hey guys!
yes, i'm alive. i finished my exams so i'm officially in summer break and oh my god i'm so glad lol. anyways, i'm really really really sorry about the waiting time but it was pretty difficult to write. firstly because i had to study—okay, i wrote anyways. secondly because i discovered animes (yeah, i'm pretty late) and i watched attack on titan and oh my god— i'll be glad to discuss about aot (or jujutsu kaisen, or demon slayer, or fruits basket) because, honestly, this got into my brain and just won't come out. i watched the anime, i read the manga, and now i'm... empty. so, it was pretty hard to write about miraculous because, thirdly, i wasn't as hipped on this show as i was before.
BUT! but my exams are over, i wrote on aot so it made me feel a bit better lol (i have to translate it but i'll post it this month, i guess, for those who are interested) and, with season four and all the ideas i have about miraculous, i got hipped on it again.
so, here we are, with chapter six.
honestly, from now on, things are getting pretty serious. i'll approach touchy and difficult subjects (such as racism, sexual harassment, anxiety, toxic parenthood), so, if you're sensitive, be careful.
well, i wish you a good reading anyway!
Marinette has a talent for knowing in advance if a day is going to be absolutely awesome or completely abominable. Until today, this gift has never failed her. The worst akumas that Chat Noir and her have ever had to fight, Marinette has always guessed them, she has always known that the day was about to be hard. And the most joyful moments that she has ever lived, she has woken up with a smile at her lips and a beating heart.
Until today, her intuition has always been good.
Until today.
Because today, when she serenely opens her eyes, Marinette doesn't have the slightest idea that the day she's about to live is going to be an absolute nightmare.
Marinette feels good.
A feeling which has not been familiar to her for a couple of weeks. Her mind is constantly boiling, juggling between Adrien's states of mind, the heavy gazes of Adam, the constant fatigue, the missing feeling of her friends—she would have killed to spend an evening with Alya— and the confession that Ladybug made to Adrien.
Marinette still blames herself terribly. She could have choose anything to change his mind, make small talk, tell him something funny that happened to her, but no. No, she had to reveal her second biggest secret to him, the one she has hidden for years from the entire world. Literally.
Marinette is pretty sure she has been in love with Chat Noir since the very beginning. After hours and hours of introspection and inner questioning, she realized something, something which proved that the nature of her feelings towards her partner was anything but new.
Marinette perfectly remembers what happened when they had to face Dark Cupid on Valentine's day: she was forced to kiss Chat Noir to free him from the spell.
Apart from the fact that she took years to admit that she actually enjoyed this kiss—and that putting it down to a professional obligation is a tad opportunistic—another piece of evidence came to shed light on this situation.
She kissed him to deliver him from the spell, yes. The spell which could be only broken by true love's kiss. Spell of which Chat Noir has been free straight after.
Connections have been made in Marinette's mind: she has been in love with Chat Noir for a long time.
But she has always kept this secret buried in the depths of her heart. Nobody knows it. No one, not even Tikki. Marinette absolutely never talks about it, secretly hoping that if she doesn't admit it out loud, her feelings are going to disappear.
Of course, it's not true. It's, by the by, the exact opposite that is happening. Every time a physical contact occurs between Chat Noir and her, her heart speeds up way more than it should, her temperature increases more than the ordinary and shivers run along her skin way more intensely than she would accept it. She can't count the number of times where she has lost herself in the contemplation of her partner, where he has found his way into her dreams, waking her with a dry throat, short-winded and her core burning with desire, not anymore.
Sometimes, she has even imagined his face, his voice, his body when they were in reality the face, the voice and the body of Adrien on top of her.
But she's so used to burying her feelings towards Chat Noir in her heart that she doesn't even pay attention anymore. To Marinette, it has become normal.
It's normal, and it's going to stay in this unmentionable and unspoken state because she can't allow herself to go further.
Because he's her partner, and they can't risk the absolute trust that they share. Because they have to stay focused on their first goal: defeat Hawkmooth. Because she can't throw herself into a relationship, as Marinette or as Ladybug. Because neither Adrien nor Chat Noir know who she really is. And they can't know.
Marinette still remembers too well the time where everything went out of control. The time where their respective identities had been revealed and where Chat Noir had become Chat Blanc. She doesn't remember in detail the nightmare they lived. But she recalls with a painful clarity the fear, the distress which have followed. The end of the world, knowing each other's identities had caused the end of the world.
So, it's completely out of the question to reveal themselves to one another, and therefore completely out of the question to confess her feelings to him.
It's what is playing on loop in Marinette's mind, and she always comes to the same conclusion: she doesn't have any future, neither with Adrien nor Chat Noir.
This idea makes her heart hurt in a way which makes her want to yell until her vocal cords explode, to cry until her eyes are completely dried out.
So, why did she tell Adrien? Why?
This question torments her for weeks.
But today, her mind seems to be slightly less self-destructive than usual.
"How did your training go yesterday, Mari?" Alya asks her when all four of them are having lunch.
Marinette chokes when the water goes down the wrong way and coughs painfully before being able to breathe again.
Alya looks at her, an eyebrow raised, and her eyes alternately switch between Adrien and her.
"Yeah," she eventually answers with a throaty voice.
Adrien beats back a laugh next to her and Marinette kicks him under the table.
"Ouch!"
She rolls her eyes and lets herself fall against her chair.
"You two, really…" Alya despairs, shaking her head.
"What?" Nino asks.
"Nothing happened," Marinette says.
"Of course," Alya smiles.
"What the hell?"
Adrien has his arms crossed, his stare alternating between Marinette and Alya.
She knows that he forces himself to not look at her too intensely—not after what his father has told him. Even if the pictures of them on Twitter are becoming scarce, now.
Marinette has been endlessly relieved that no image of the altercation between Adam, Adrien and her has been published on social media. It must be said that finding the culprit would have been easy between the fencing and track teams. However, finding who took a photo of them when hundreds of students were gathered in the same place is more delicate.
"You disappoint me, sunshine, I thought you were responsible," Alya says to him.
Marinette sits up with a sudden gesture, outraged. "What?" she exclaims. "You think he's the responsible one?"
Alya acts as if she's thinking about it. "Mmm… yeah."
"But what the fuck are you talking about?"
"I'm the responsible one of the group!"
Alya shakes her forefinger, clicking her tongue against her palate. "No, no. I didn't say the responsible one of the group, I said the responsible one between you two. Yeah, you're responsible in general but when it's about him, you're always more—"
"Okay, I got it!" Marinette interrupts her.
She can feel Adrien's amused gaze on her reddening cheeks.
"Always more what?" Nino asks. "Argh, is somebody going to explain?"
Nino's distress makes Marinette smile.
"They had sex, yesterday," Alya explains, whispering. "Here."
"Alya!" Marinette grumbles.
"Here? On this table?" Nino asks, a grimace of disgust on his face.
Adrien clearly bursts out laughing, but Marinette's dark look makes him change his amusement into a cough.
"No, not on this table," Adrien clarifies, a smile in his voice.
"Are you sure of this?" Nino repeats. "We're eating here, so—"
"Nino!" Marinette gets fed up, her face redder than the tomato in her plate.
They all burst out laughing—except Marinette.
"C'mon, Mari!" Alya comforts her. "It's not like somebody—"
Alya stops smiling in one second and Marinette's heart makes a loop in her chest. Her gaze is staring behind Marinette's shoulder.
"What?" she worries. "What?"
She turns around in a heartbeat, following Alya's eyes. Lila is just behind her. A smile veiled with innocence is straightening her lips up and her look is sparkling with a mischief which sends shivers down her spine.
"What do you want?" Alya asks.
"I need to talk to Marinette," she explains when the concerned one looks up at her. "In private," she adds.
Marinette gulps with difficulty, swallowing the lump of stress which is shaping in her throat. Why is she even stressed? And why is this anxiety shiver running down her spine?
Adrien grabs her wrist when she stands up and Marinette plunges her look into his. He doesn't say a word but his eyes are meaningful enough. "Be careful," he tells her quietly. She offers him a smile she wants to be reassuring and walks away, following Lila until the inside of the building.
"What do you want to—"
Her sentence dies on her lips when Lila pushes her inside a room. The door closes the second after and Marinette finds herself inside an entirely empty classroom with Lila. And Adam.
What?
"What the hell—"
"Marinette, Marinette, Marinette," Adam sighs, getting closer to her.
Lila is in front of the door, obstructing the only conceivable way out. And Marinette ends up pushed against a wall, Adam a few centimeters from her face.
"What's the matter with you two—"
"Tut-tut-tut!" Adam stops her, smirking. "Watch your mouth."
Marinette feels her breathing speed up. She wants to move, wants to catch his arm and twist it behind his back, wants to push Lila—push her hard—to be able to leave this room and of this oppressive atmosphere.
But when she's about to initiate a movement, Adam raises his phone towards her, and Marinette feels her breath stop. Her heart is beating so fast, so hard, in such a chaotic way that her chest hurts.
Adam looks down at her, a sparkle of pure victory in his eyes. "You should listen to us," he says to her with a calm tone. "Don't you think?"
Lila moves away from the door and gets closer to them, as if she knows that Marinette is now completely unable to shift.
And she is. She can't move a muscle. All the cells of her body are freezed, as if all her organism is in a state of shock.
"It wasn't very wise," Lila says, showing all the fake affection she's capable of. "I mean, I know he's super hot, but still!"
Marinette finds the strength to close her eyes.
'Nothing about this is real,' she tells herself. 'It's a nightmare, only a nightmare, only a nightmare, only a nightmare, only a—'
"Eager, princess? Only for you…"
Her eyes open in a second. Adam's gaze is plunged into hers, Lila's fixed on her nails, like it's nothing. Like it's not something private, endlessly intimate, like it's—
Marinette doesn't have the time to pursue her thoughts. Her muscles unblock and her hands roughly grab the collar of Adam's t-shirt and his smile just gets bigger.
"You think it's funny?" she yells, pushing him with such a strength that he hits the table behind him.
"Yes," he genuinely answers. "Yes, Marinette. Yes, I think it's funny."
She never feels such disgust. Such an urge to split in the face of someone. Such a need to crush her fist into someone's jaw. "You're sick," she whispers. "Completely sick!"
"I probably am," he answers, catching her hands still gripping his t-shirt. "But you're gonna listen to us."
Marinette removes her hands from his, like she's burned from his contact. Lila looks up at her nails, as if the conversation is becoming interesting enough for her again.
"We're not going to show this video," she says. "But on several conditions."
"You're really such—"
"Careful, Marinette," Adam warns her, shaking his phone.
She sinks her nails into her palms, so hard that the pain succeeds in calm her anger down for a few seconds.
"First, you're going to get away from Adrien," Lila orders.
Her voice is almost shaking which surprises Marinette. But she's way too worked up to look into the situation.
She just wants to disappear.
"You're going to get away from him and help me to get closer to him."
"He would never let—"
"Oh, he will. Because his dad is going to approve our relationship. Because he wants his son to be seen with someone who is socially as high as he is, you know what I mean?"
Socially as high as he is, maybe. But morally, Lila is digging so deep that she's going to end up on the other side of the Earth.
"And daddy Agreste isn't really delighted about what is going on between you and Adrien, is he?"
"By the way," Adam interrupts, clearing his throat, "what's going on between you and Adrien?"
The morbid curiosity in his question makes her grit her teeth.
"Is he gentle with you, Marinette?" he asks, getting closer to her, his forefinger brushing her cheek. "Or do you prefer it when it's a little bit more… a little bit rougher? I think I have an idea," he whispers, his mouth close to her ear.
Marinette feels herself shivering from repugnance from her head to her toes. She pushes him away with desperate strength and he hits the table again, harder this time.
"Mmm… I knew it," he replies, licking his lips.
"So," Lila interrupts, "you're going to help me to seduce Adrien. Or…"
"I got it, all right!" Marinette grumbles.
She knows it's never going to work. Because no matter how much she would praise Lila, how much she would try to convince him that she's not who they thought, she knows Adrien is never going to believe her.
Worse, he's going to detect that something is wrong the moment a compliment about Lila will come out from her mouth.
"But it's never going to work," Marinette says again. "I'm telling you," she keeps going, seeing Lila opening her mouth. "He knows me too well," she concludes, ignoring Adam's smile.
She doesn't take the trouble to point out that he's in love with her. Firstly because she still has a hard time believing it herself. Second because it's not going to add anything to this situation. And mostly because they already know way too much about her private life.
"In this case, you'll only arrange a rendezvous between us, I'm taking care of the rest."
"What are you going to—"
"That's none of your business."
And she leaves the room.
Marinette has never wanted Lila to stay with her as much as she does right now. She has never wanted her to simply stay with her before.
But today, she would have given everything for Lila to stay in this room. To not be alone with Adam.
"Marinette," he whispers.
The way her name sounds on his lips makes her want to change it forever. Her gaze is still fixed on the door, unable to meet Adam's.
"What do you want?" Her voice isn't angry anymore, only tired. Almost desperate. And Adam notices it because he gets closer to her.
"You."
Her nails sink even more into her skin. She can feel the blood dripping against her fingers.
He moves closer to her until she's pressed against the wall again and grabs her chin between his fingers to plunge his eyes into hers. A croaky noise escapes from her throat. A mix between a scary moan and a whining of distress.
"I'm not gonna hurt you," he whispers against her ear. "Unless you ask me."
Marinette hates herself. She hates Adam, she hates Lila, she hates the entire world right now.
But she's the person she hates the most. To have had sex with Adrien in the locker room—what an idea, seriously—but mostly to be so nervous, so frightened that she can't move. She can't.
She's Ladybug, Paris' superhero, the one who floors her enemies with a well-placed kick, who knows exactly how to defend herself, who knows precisely how to take him down. She knows where to toss her knee for him to move away from her, knows how to hit him for him to be immobilized, knows how to use her body to free her from his grip.
She knows how to, but she can't.
She feels useless. Completely useless.
"But you're gonna have to do something for me if you don't want me to show this video. If you don't want everybody to know what you're hiding behind your fake innocence."
"W—What?" she asks with a voice she would have liked to not shake.
Adam moves his face away, his gaze dark with desire and full of pride. "Use this pretty mouth to do something other than talking," he whispers, sliding his fingers along her lips. "I'm pretty sure you know how to do this."
He gets his hips closer to hers and Marinette feels her pouls beat against her temples.
"What do you think?" he asks, removing his finger.
Marinette swallows, trying to move her hips back from his. "Fuck you," she says with all the disdain she has.
Adam nods, still smiling, and raises his phone.
"Ah— Shit, Adrien!" she hears herself moaning through the phone.
A cry sounds and Marinette closes her eyes. She perfectly remembers this moment, perfectly remembers what Adrien was doing for her to let out such crude moans.
The video stops again. And for a second, Marinette tells herself that it's only the sound. That, after all, it could have been worse. They could have been filmed.
But she can't. She can't put things into perspective. Not in this situation.
Especially as she doesn't have any certainty. For all she knows, Adam could have photos, he could have other videos. And it's probably the scarier: to not know.
"Wrong answer," Adam murmurs. And he gets away from her. "It's gonna happen, Marinette. One way or another."
He gets out of the room, not failing to wink at her, and Marinette lets herself fall along the wall. The hand pressed against her mouth, the heart jumping into her chest, she asks herself how—for God's sake, how—is she going to get herself out of this nightmare.
Marinette has never felt so bad. Never.
During all those years of anxiety attacks, of such huge uncertainties that she couldn't do more than just lay in her bed, looking at the ceiling, Marinette has never felt so overwhelmed. Even during the most terrifying akumas, even during her most exhausting days, even when fear prevents her from breathing.
Never, because she always has someone to help her to get back on her feet. Chat Noir is always there to fight akumas. Alya is always there to help her to regain her confidence. Tikki is always here to remind her about the hundreds of reasons which make her a perfect Ladybug.
And Adrien is always there to help her, regardless of the reason. Need to go running for kilometers without talking? He's there. Need to talk until the sunrise? He's still there. Physical need to unite her body to his? He's always there.
But today she's alone. Completely alone facing the landslide of feelings which is sumberging her a little more every second.
"Marinette?"
Tikki's soft voice comes out of her bag, but Marinette's lump in her throat prevents her from talking. The water running from the washbasin is cascading along her fingers. She sprays her face with it and takes a deep breath.
In, and out. In, and out. In, and— burst into tears.
She backs against one of the walls of the bathroom and falls along the wall, her body shaking, her eyes soaked.
"Marinette?"
She looks up with her tearful face and discovers Chloé walking towards her. Her long hair falls down her chest in pretty golden curls and the blue of her eyes is emphasized by the color of her eyeshadow and by the gloss which is shining at her lips.
With a care that she never saw in her before, Chloé kneels in front of her, features twisted by worrying. "Do you want me to go get Alya?"
Marinette shakes her head, feeling a tear running along her cheek.
"Adrien?"
She shakes her head again. The idea of confronting Adrien makes a sob go up in her throat.
"Okay, okay, okay," she whispers, sitting next to her. "I'm just gonna stay with you, then. Is this okay?"
Marinette nods. Chloé does the same and puts her hand on her knee.
She wants to tell her how much her presence reassures her, how much she calms her down, and how much her friendship means to her. But she doesn't trust herself to pronounce one word without breaking down in tears.
So, Marinette gently settles her head on her shoulder and closes her eyes, focusing on Chloé's warmth, on her breathing which she tries to base her own on, on the implicit affection they share.
"You should talk to someone," Chloé eventually tells her.
Marinette doesn't know how much time has passed. Maybe a few seconds, maybe a few minutes. But her breathing is pretty much acceptable again and her throat, although still tight, isn't as abrasive as sandpaper anymore.
But, when she opens her mouth to say something—a thank-you, a word, even if only a syllable—the only sound her vocal cords succeed in producing is a mewl bordering on a sob.
"Not now," Chloé reassures her, strengthening the pressure of her hand against her knee. "And not necessarily with me. When you want, with whom you want, Marinette."
She looks up to gaze at Chloé in the eyes. They are staring at her with a comprehension and an empathy which make her heart beat a little more peacefully.
"But you have to tell someone. Even if it seems impossible, even if you think it's the last thing you should do. You…" Chloé nervously wets her lips and offers her a smile she has never seen. Marinette can't put her finger on what feeling is shining so intensely in her eyes. "A lot of people love you. A lot of people are here for you, ready to help you. I'mready to help you. You know that?"
She nods and Chloé stands up, with the same impenetrable expression on her face. She offers her hand to Marinette.
The symbolism of the moment takes her breath away. Her, on the ground—literally—and Chloé who is extending a hand to her—literally.
She doesn't really know from where she draws the strength to get up again. Doesn't really know how she walks through the bathroom without bursting into tears or without crying until her lungs explode.
And when Chloé is back to her, ready to go, Marinette finds a new strength.
"Chloé?"
Her voice is chaotic. Hoarse, throaty, guttural, all at once. But Chloé turns around and Marinette moves towards her with a confident walk. Her arms wrap around her, her face nestles against her shoulder.
"Thank you," she whispers. "Thank you."
Chloé hugs her back after a few unsure seconds.
When she moves away from her, Marinette gets lost in her cerulean eyes for a moment. This brightness, this something which is gleaming in her irises, she has already seen it somewhere else. While she's almost sure that Chloé's face is getting closer from hers and that this radiance seems like a sparkle, a sudden and deafening explosion sounds.
Ladybug makes her yo-yo swirl in the air, moving with an dizzying speed over Paris' streets.
'Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it,' she repeats to herself on loop in her mind, just like a mantra. She can't let herself go, can't let herself think about the dread, the disgust and the anger which are accumulating deep down inside her. No more than she can think about remorse.
'It's gonna be just fine. The akuma's gonna be simple and quick. Simple and quick and—'
A choked scream escapes her when something wraps around her ankle. Ladybug, right in the middle of her jump, lamentably crashes to the ground.
"I'm Terra and I'm going to clear the Earth out of all humans who don't deserve it!"
A quick gaze tells her that what is trapping her ankle is a large and strong root, directly linked to Terra.
"I'm almost disappointed," she says to her.
Terra's face is colored a garish green, her eyes a sparkling brown and her hair is replaced by blooming stems reaching down to her feet. Her palm, where the root is coming from, is directly turned to Ladybug while her other hand is pulling her in.
"I thought you were going to be harder to beat, Ladybug."
She tries to undo this root which is gashing her ankle, but the more she fights, the more the vines tighten.
The rush of anxiety which is growing into her prevents her from thinking properly, and the more the seconds pass, the more breathing becomes difficult.
All of a sudden, her chest is surrounded by roots, too, and she finds herself standing up in front of Terra. A smirk is straightening her green lips when the stems of her hair move to Ladybug's ears.
She moves her face away but the stems violently grab her neck and her breathing is definitely lost away.
The world is becoming blurry, the sounds are becoming inaudible and tears are dripping from the corners of her eyes. Her last coherent thought is to ask herself if her tears are due to the terribly lacking air or to what she just lived.
The second after, the pressure around her neck disappears and the air reaches her lungs like a shot. Ladybug's body weakly falls to the ground, but instead of hitting the hardness of the concrete, she finds the warmth of Chat Noir's arms.
She doesn't need to open her eyes to know that it's his face above hers and his hands settle at the hollow of her waist. Ladybug lets the air enter her lungs, supplying her body in oxygen and finds back an acceptable physical strength.
Her sight becomes precise enough for her to distinguish the black, golden and green shades bending above her.
"The kitty who's saving his ladybug, how cute!"
Terra's voice is short of breath and Ladybug's eyes allow her to see her figure a few meters from them.
"We should—"
She doesn't expect that talking would be so painful.
"Yes," Chat Noir answers, strengthening the pressure of his hands around her waist.
And the second after, they set off in the air. Ladybug can see and hear correctly again—she's now very grateful for her supernatural abilities.
"We need a plan," Chat Noir says while he keeps running on Paris' rooftops. Ladybug opens her mouth to talk, but Chat Noir is quicker. "Keep your vocal cords, My Lady."
He seems tense, way more than the situation requires. And his jaw which doesn't stop tightening, and his gaze which is avoiding hers, he seems… angry?
Ladybug doesn't have the time to address the issue because Chat Noir lets her go and a pain runs through her ankle, spreading into her entire body.
"You'll be okay?" he asks, an arm still around her waist.
She mechanically nods, trying to ignore the twitching of her legs. But Chat Noir doesn't let her go, despite the torment he seems to be dealing with, despite the problems he seems to be coping with, despite the recklessness and the loss of concentration Ladybug evinced—and which almost cost her her Miraculous.
He doesn't let her go.
And Ladybug has a lot of trouble not jumping into his arms.
"We need to use her power against her," Chat Noir says.
His senses are on alert. Ladybug can see his ears twisting around at any surrounding noises, his eyes dart across at full speed around their position.
He looks down at her and Ladybug nods. Use Terra's vines against her to immobilize her and tear her akuma away from her.
Good idea. Probably what she would have thought about first, if her brain wasn't so muddled.
"Well," Chat Noir sighs. "We will have need your Lucky Charm, you think it's—"
Ladybug stops him by nodding again. "Lucky Charm!"
Her voice is totally hoarse and has lost all its strength, but her power works. A small, red and black polka-dotted bag falls in the palm of her hand.
"Salt?" Chat Noir asks when she grabs some grains inside the container before closing it back up.
"It's a—" Ladybug clears her throat, trying to ignore the fire which seems to burn inside her vocal cords. "It's an herbicide."
Chat Noir nods when she ties the packet around her waist. Ladybug notices his green eyes lose themselves in her body for a second.
"So we just throw it at her?" he asks, never removing his hand from her waist.
"As soon as she attacks us, yes," she painfully answers. "Then, we just have to—"
"To grab one of the vines and keep her still," Chat Noir continues because of the noticeable pain of his partner.
Ladybug nods, grateful for their ability to understand each other. He stares at her a little bit too long and she's dying to ask him what's fretting him.
But Chat Noir slides his hand under her thighs and lifts her up in the air in one second.
Ladybug catches herself at his neck and offers him a little smile. "I can walk, you know."
"You're sure?"
Ladybug nods and he lets her body fall until she's on her feet again. Her ankle still hurts, but she feels her muscles are already more obedient. "It should be okay."
But Chat Noir's arm is still resting around her waist.
"Chat?" she asks, looking up at him.
He's staring at her with a fascination mixed with a lack of understanding that Ladybug has never seen into him before. His eyes seem to be in the middle of decoding hers and she feels herself naked, all of a sudden, completely naked in front of him.
The hypnosis suddenly breaks and Chat Noir shakes his head.
"Sorry," he mumbles, removing his hand from her body.
Ladybug feels like she's only confusion and fear covered with skin.
A little complication has sneaked into their plan. A little complication called distraction that Ladybug can't handle experiencing again.
Usually, she's the focused one, the one who doesn't lose herself in states of mind and who, whatever her personal problems, never loses sight of their enemy.
But today, her head is so full and her heart so full of pain that she was distracted for a second or two.
Yes, she lost her attention and yes, it could have turned tragic. But she's only human, which means she's allowed to not always be at a hundred percent of her abilities; she's allowed to not be perfect.
Especially after living what she lived less than one hour ago.
So, she finds Chat Noir's anger completely unjustified.
"Twice!" he yells when they're at the top of a building, away from prying eyes.
After having freed Terra from her akuma and having brought her to a safe place, Ladybug and Chat Noir end up here, naturally, without even a need to specify it.
They regularly do that, after an attack, to talk about what crosses their minds, to spend a little bit of their time together, to reassure the other after a particularly intense attack. The moment between the use of their power and of their detransformation has gotten longer with time, moving from five to more than twenty minutes, allowing them to enjoy each other's presence. Ladybug loves these moments.
But today, Chat Noir is looking at her with an anger mixed with fear, with bitterness and pure reproach.
"You almost got your Miraculous stolen, twice!"
"You think I don't know that?" she says back, with a voice still a little hoarse.
"But what were you thinking—"
"We all have our problems, okay?" she stops him with weariness. "I've been distracted."
A bitter laugh escapes Chat Noir's mouth when he shakes his head. "You think I don't have problems which would excuse for getting distracted, is that it?"
Ladybug doesn't understand. It isn't like him to bring a situation back to him like he's doing right now. It isn't like him to yell at her with resentment. And it definitely isn't like him to be so angry.
"Come on, what did I do to you, why are you so—"
"What did you do to me?" he repeats, getting closer to her. "What didn't you do to me would be more accurate, My Lady."
The way he says her nickname makes her shiver. His voice is shaking with anger, with frustration and with… with desire?
Ladybug jumps when her back hits a wall. She hates that he's so tall that she has to raise her head to look at him. She hates that his face is so sharp-featured, so finely drawn. She hates the way he nervously licks his lips. She hates his intense eyes which are probing her to the depth of her soul.
She hates it, but she loves all this. Shes loves all this and he's so handsome, so attractive, so—
"Do you realize what you're doing to me?" His voice is nothing more than a whisper and Ladybug feels herself shiver from her feet to her head, from her toes to her hairline. "Do you realize how much I'm in love with you?" Confessing to her out loud seems to hurt him so much. "How long it took me to accept the idea that it'll never be mutual?" He shakes his head, his body way too close to hers. Ladybug almost dares to breathe. "And when I finally move on, when I finally find someone, when I finally live, you…" The end of his sentence remains unsaid and he closes his eyes for a moment, almost desperate. "I thought— I— I thought I could trust you."
Her heart rips apart, reassembles and jumps in her chest in one second. The paralysis changes into a lack of understanding which turns into a feeling of injustice. And the injustice mixes with an anger which makes every muscle of her body shake. "You have no idea what you're talking about," she says to him. "None. And you don't know what Ihave borne for three years, you don't know what I'm fighting." Chat Noir laboriously swallows, making his Adam's apple move. "Try being the Guardian of the Miraculous at fourteen, try dealing with half of what I have to deal with, try. And, after, you can reproach me about whatever the hell you want. But, until then," she adds, getting her face closer to his, "you're not allowed to reproach me about anything."
She pushes his body away from hers, the farthest the rooftop allows her to.
"Okay," he says with a shaking voice. "Okay, you had to deal with things that I can barely imagine. Okay, you have every right to be unfocused and distracted and yell at me if it makes you feel better." Ladybug turns to him to look him in the eyes. "But you have no excuse for not being honest with me, LB. No excuse."
"What are you—"
"You should have told me you were in love with me."
'What? What what what what?'
"You should have told me."
"I—"
"Don't try to deny it, I know it's true."
Ladybug has dreamt about this exact moment hundreds of times. She has imagined their victory against Hawkmoth, has imagined a passionate declaration, has imagined tears and chuckles and kisses and joy.
But she has never imagined this.
"How did you—"
"Is that really what matters to you? To know how I know it? But why didn't I learn it from you, My Lady? You should have been the one who told me."
"I couldn't," she whispers, staring at the concrete ground.
"Of course you could."
"No!" she yells back. Her voice is shaking, her lips are shaking, her hands are shaking, her entire body isn't more than an erupting volcano full of feelings. A red-hot and uncontrollable lava is discharging in her veins and Ladybug can't do anything to stop this process. "No, I couldn't tell you anything!" she cries. "Because we can't know each other's identities, and that a relationship without knowing who we really are, it's worth nothing. Because we can't risk what we have, because Paris needs us! Because Hawkmoth could use this against us in a thousand different ways! Because I'm in love with someone else and because you're in love with someone else and because it's way too complicated!"
"I—"
"You don't think it was hurting me, too?" she keeps talking, furiously wiping away a tear which is running along her cheek. "You don't think I would have given everything to tell you? To tell you that what you felt for all those years was mutual? To tell you I would give up everything, everything for you? To tell you how much I think about you? I'm so, soin love with you it hurts to see you, hurts to touch you, hurts to look at you." She shakes her head, her eyes immersed in tears. "I'm sorry," she says between two sobs. "I—"
Her sentence is muffled by Chat Noir's torso. His warmth wraps around her at the same time as his arms and his body ease her shudders.
"Shh…" he whispers, his chin against the top of her head. "It's gonna be okay, My Lady, it's gonna be fine." His hand runs along her back and Ladybug draws in his smell and his presence to catch her breath. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I was just so worried something had happened to you. I'm so glad you're okay, I'm sorry."
The leather of his suit is oddly comforting and the firmness of his chest brings her a safe feeling which is welcome after this hell of a day.
"Everything's gonna be okay, you'll see."
Ladybug nods.
Seconds elapse, turn into minutes. Her shivers stop, so do her sobs. Her eyes are still on the edge of tears and her breathing is still rough, but she feels better.
However, she's still pressed against Chat Noir. Moving away from him means leaving him and acting like nothing happened at the next akuma attack.
Ladybug isn't sure if she can do that.
"M'Lady?"
She moves backwards enough to raise her face towards his, but Chat Noir's arms remain around her body. "Can I kiss you?"
A shiver runs along her spine, scattering a hot and cold feeling all along her skin.
'No, no, no, no, no—'
"Yeah." This whisper comes out of her mouth without asking her but when Chat Noir's lips crash against hers, Ladybug forgets why it's such a bad idea.
His hands are pressed against her hips and she ties her arms around his neck, losing herself into the softness of his skin against hers. Her mouth automatically opens and a moan escapes her when Chat Noir's tongue brushes hers.
This kiss is gentle and passionate, soft and urgent, languorous and wild. This kiss is perfect. And his forbidden taste makes it just better.
But Chat Noir's hands slide to her lower back and his lips press even more against hers and a weird feeling of déjà-vu floods into her from every direction.
The shape of his lips against hers, the pressure of his hands against her body, the softness of his tongue against hers, all these feelings are as intoxicating as they are familiar.
Too familiar.
Chat Noir must have felt the same thing because he gently removes his mouth from hers and moves his face away from hers. His eyebrows are furrowed, his lips slightly swollen and Ladybug can't prevent a moan stuck deep down inside her throat from coming up.
Chat Noir's expression goes from confused to stunned. And Ladybug's goes from suspicion to realization.
Their eyes open wide at the same time.
'Oh my God oh my God oh my God—'
"Marinette?"
Oh God, Adrien.
well, well, well. it was a wild ride.
i hope this chapter worths the wait :p
i know it's pretty difficult to read and that the scene between mari and adam is pretty disgusting. believe me, it wasn't easy to write it. but i think it's important to talk about these things. because, even if she's strong and super badass and everything, mari is just frightened in front of this situation, as we all would be, i guess.
don't worry, adam will pay for all this, and an explanation about his character is coming, too.
and the reveal, oh my god! at first, i wanted something spectacular and huge, you know, but i think it's more realistic this way. because, even though they can't recognize each other with their eyes, as explained in the new york special, i think they kissed enough before to recognize each other with their lips lol.
anyways, i can't wait to read your thoughts about all that mess!
the next chapter is already translated so i'll try to publish at the end of the next week. i'm pretty sure you'll like it (i'm winking at you right now)
i wish you a very good day, or night, or whatever!
lucie