The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a meeting. Just more madness from my tiny mind.

A Meeting Is A Terrible Thing To Not Waste

"Ugh another day," Lana sighed as the members of The Agency went inside Mallory's office. "Another meeting."

"How many meetings have we had?" Cheryl asked.

"Way too many," Archer grumbled as he fixed himself a drink.

"On that we both agree," Mallory sighed as she took out a list. "Item One…"

Everyone groaned at this. "Item One," Mallory read on. "We need to look into doing some more bounty hunting."

"Again?" Cheryl asked.

"Didn't we already do this?" Pam asked.

"Like a dozen times?" Cheryl asked. "Such and overwritten cliché!"

"I'm with them," Archer agreed. "I'm the world's greatest secret agent! Not…Wait I had something for this."

"Dumbass The Bounty Hunter?" Pam asked.

"Good one," Archer shrugged.

"Look if we can get a good bounty that will increase our ratings on GSW," Mallory told them.

"We already have a good bounty rating," Cyril explained. "Remember all those people we caught who were trying to kill Archer while in his coma?"

"Yes, but we need a non-Sterling related bounty," Mallory pointed out. "I'm not saying using Krieger's cyborg decoy to get all those other bounties wasn't good. I'm just saying it's like corking the bat. Too easy."

"Plus, most of Archer's old enemies are you know?" Pam shrugged. "Dead."

"So?" Archer asked. "We pick out the most lucrative bounty…"

"Normally I would," Mallory interrupted him. "But we're looking for something that will increase our ratings. Make us look like do-gooders. Cloud Beam's idea."

"And you're listening to it?" Lana asked. "That's…"

"Out of character," Cheryl agreed.

"Well," Mallory coughed. "Full disclosure. The majority of people on the most wanted bounty lists are either old friends of mine or…passing acquaintances."

"There it is," Archer groaned.

"That's more in character," Cheryl let out a breath. "Phew! I was worried for a moment!"

"Hey look," Pam pointed at her phone. "Rodney Whosits made the list. Wow, over ten million dollars to bring him in!"

"You mean our former Armory guard?" Lana asked. "Who stole our weapons to go into business for himself?"

"Oh right," Pam realized. "If we bring him in that might be a little awkward."

"You think?" Mallory shouted. "I've already looked at the list and at least a quarter of people on it used to work for us! Or are associated with us in some way. We need to pick someone who we have absolutely no connection to!"

"How about her?" Pam pointed to a picture on her phone.

"No…I recognize her," Archer remarked as he looked. "We used to date."

"And by date you mean you screwed her a couple times then dumped her?" Ray asked.

"No!" Archer snapped. "I screwed her for two weeks. Then I ditched her in Vegas while I ran off with a chorus girl. That one I only screwed a couple of times then dumped her in a gas station."

"Such a gentleman," Cyril said sarcastically.

"According to this she's wanted for castrating and assassinating any man with black hair, blue eyes…" Pam did a double take. "And going by the name Randy."

"I think we should skip that one," Archer gulped.

"So just to save time…" Pam paused. "Should we just skip all the women?"

"I think that would be the best option," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "Let's move on to Item Two."

"How many items are there?" Archer asked. "I'm seriously asking."

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "Item Two. From now on all alcoholic purchases will be listed under weapons and vital supplies on your forms. For…logistic reasons."

"You mean so that Robert won't find out?" Lana asked.

"As long as you keep your big trap shut!" Mallory pointed. "Item Three…This is about our next company motivational day trip."

"I thought you banned those after the infamous Statue of Liberty cruise?" Archer asked. "You know the one where we all got drunk?"

"I didn't," Lana looked at him.

"We crashed the ferry," Archer added.

"We set off some fireworks that hit the Statue of Liberty," Ray added.

"I think a guy drowned too," Pam remembered.

"Yes, I did," Mallory admitted. "But the thing is, Robert will only pay for expenses either related to missions or legitimate team building exercises."

"So, you want to create an illegitimate team building exercise?" Archer asked.

"Exactly," Mallory nodded. "I need to decide between a wine tasting at the Van Gogh exhibit. Or a day cruise on a yacht. Which will provide alcohol and other refreshments. Which do you think?"

"That depends," Cyril remarked. "Are we invited?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Mallory sighed. "I have to make it look good."

"Then I vote for the Van Gogh exhibit," Cyril said.

"Oh goody," Ray rolled his eyes. "We get a chance to wreck some priceless works of art."

"Not at this exhibit," Lana told him. "It's one of those art immersive things with giant computer screens all around including the ceiling and the floor."

"So, if we do set the building on fire we wouldn't be destroying anything but a bunch of wires and computer stuff?" Cheryl asked. "Lame! I see that every week with Krieger! I vote harbor cruise! At least with that we have a chance of crashing the yacht. Or seeing someone drown."

"I'm going to go with the Van Gogh," Ray sighed. "That seems like the safer option."

"And the less damaging," Lana added. "Unless there's a fire."

"Oooh, I didn't consider the fire," Cheryl thought. "No, I still prefer the shipwreck or drowning. Makes a nice change of pace."

"You can always cause a fire at sea," Pam suggested. "I'm voting yacht! And the buffet!"

"Well there's just as many things can go wrong at the Van Gogh exhibit," Ray pointed out. "Ms. Archer could run into someone she knows and have an awkward conversation that leads to insults that leads to a fight. That's something."

"True," Krieger nodded. "But on the ocean, there's a chance of sea monsters!"

"Why would you think…?" Archer stopped. "Never mind. I don't want to know!"

"Me either!" Lana groaned.

"Now I'm seriously thinking of not inviting any of you," Mallory groaned.

"Okay that's three of us for hijinks on the high seas," Pam counted. "Me, Cheryl and Krieger. Three for a debacle at the art show. Lana, Cyril and Ray…Archer you're the tiebreaker."

"I don't know," Archer admitted. "There are so many possibilities of things that could go wrong in both locations. I could have sex with some art lover or museum attendant as well as a cabin girl or the captain if she's a woman."

"Well if the captain's a woman that would explain the shipwreck," Krieger remarked. "You know? You're doing her instead of her doing her job?"

"And we could be doing it at the wheel where one wrong move…" Archer realized. "I see where you're going with that."

"Or," Cyril spoke up. "Archer could just as easily cause some kind of scandal at the exhibit. You know? Either sleeping with someone's wife or girlfriend in the back and…"

"And the screen somehow shows us having sex," Archer nodded. "That has actually happened to me one or two times."

"Just so I'm clear," Mallory looked at them. "You are all actively planning for the worst to happen?"

"Honestly after all these years," Cheryl shrugged. "It's kind of expected."

"We're more than aware of how these things go," Cyril admitted.

"He's not wrong," Lana nodded.

Archer realized something. "God guys we are getting predictable!"

"I don't know," Krieger remarked. "I think the sea monster angle would be cool."

"Enough with the sea monsters, Sigmund!" Mallory shouted. "You know what? Let's forget about the outing! I just remembered how much of a pain they were anyway!"

"And the amount of property damage we incur," Lana sighed.

"I think I'd like to take the floor here," Cheryl spoke up. "And address the problem we have in this office."

Mallory looked at her. "Besides you?"

"It's all of us actually," Cheryl told her. "Archer's right. We are getting rather predictable. Our adventures are becoming…dare I say it? Stale."

"Stale?" Ray looked at her. "Cheryl we've already been spies, detectives, bounty hunters, astronauts, micro-nauts…"

"Country music singers," Pam added.

"Ran a drug cartel," Ray added. "Took over a country."

Cyril sighed. "Lost a country."

"Ran an anime porn studio," Krieger added. "Briefly."

"Not to mention whatever coma shit was in Archer's head," Pam pointed out.

"And literally travelled all over the world and in outer space!" Ray snapped. "What more do you want?"

Cheryl paused. "Now I know bringing vampires into the mix might be jumping the shark but…"

To this everyone groaned. "NO! NO! NO!" Archer snapped.

"This again?" Lana shouted at the same time.

"For the love of Christ…" Mallory groaned at the same time.

"That's not predictable?" Krieger asked her.

"I knew it," Pam groaned at the same time as Krieger.

"What is it with this office and vampires?" Cyril asked.

Ray snapped. "Why don't we invite a pack of werewolves and the Creature from the Black Lagoon while we're at it?"

Archer spoke up. "Forget the vampire angle, Cheryl. Besides, between the cyborgs, the giant toaster, the radioactive pig or whatever other monstrosity that comes out of Krieger's lab…I think we've got the weird creature angle pretty much covered. Whatever happened to Milton by the way?"

"I don't know," Krieger blinked.

"Beats me," Cyril said at the same time.

"Huh," Lana blinked at the same time.

"Who cares?" Mallory snapped. "I'm seriously asking!"

"Anyway, that's not the way to get out of our rut," Archer went on.

"What the hell do you suggest then?" Mallory snapped.

"Well…" Archer paused. "There is one thing we can do."

"Which is?" Mallory asked.

Twenty minutes later the members of the Agency were sitting in a private room in a fancy restaurant. Their table was already laden with appetizers and a lot of alcoholic beverages.

"All right," Mallory raised her glass to drink her martini. "I admit it. This is better."

"Much better," Lana nodded as she drank hers.

"Infinitely better," Ray drank his martini.

"This is how you get out of a rut," Pam nodded as she ate an appetizer with one hand and drank her martini in another.

"Here, here," Cyril agreed raising his martini.

"Beer, beer," Krieger quipped. "Or in my case martini, martini."

"Yeah, you're right," Cheryl knocked back her martini. "This is much better." She threw her empty glass behind her onto the floor.

"Martinis are a nice change from scotch," Mallory admitted as she finished hers. As soon as she did a waiter appeared with a tray full of them. "And the service is impeccable."

Archer finished his martini. "And since this is technically an office meeting we can charge this lunch at Sardi's to Robert."

"I like the way you think," Lana admitted as she finished her martini.

"And I like the way you drink," Archer quipped as he took another martini from a waiter. "You're actually drinking?"

"Damn right," Lana nodded as she took another martini.

"Lana ever since you got married you've been drinking a lot more," Mallory realized. "Good for you!"

"Well you can only fight against the tide of alcoholism for so long," Lana shrugged. "Especially in this group."

"One of us!" Cheryl and Pam cheered. "One of us. Gooble-goo! One of us!"

"Shut up! Let's move on to Item Four," Mallory took out her list. "Whose turn is it to clean the damn refrigerator? It's starting to smell like Calcutta in winter in there."

"I did it last month," Ray said. "So, I'm out!"

"And proud!" Pam whooped. "I did it the month before that."

"Then I had to clean it after you!" Lana snapped.

"Okay but to be fair," Pam told her. "That mayonnaise-based wipe looked pretty good on Me Tube!"

"Look we all know who's turn it is," Cyril spoke up. "The one guy who never cleans anything!"

Everyone looked at Archer. "What?" Archer asked.

"Item Five," Mallory decided to push on after taking a drink. "It's about our insurance. Now that we finally have some again, we need to establish some ground rules. Number One, try not to get shot as much as you lot usually do! Or paralyzed! Looking at you Ironsides!"

"Tell Archer that!" Ray pointed. "Most of the time it's his fault anyway!"

"Only two out of four times!" Archer snapped.

"That's still a lot!" Ray snapped.

"Why did you bring that up?" Lana looked at Mallory. "Now we're going to hear him bitch about that for hours!"

Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "Okay my bad! Number Two try not to get infected with any diseases. Krieger you are banned from doing any kind of germ warfare research!"

"So, the ban starts now?" Krieger asked. "Just so I'm clear."

"YES!" Everyone else shouted.

"Just try not to abuse the system this time! Item Six," Mallory paused. "We need more martinis. That's Item Six!"

"MORE MARTINIS!" Archer bellowed.

"MORE MARTINIS!" The group called out. The waiters hastily came and brought out over a dozen glasses of martinis.

"And keep 'em coming!" Pam called out as she grabbed one.

"Item Seven," Mallory looked at the list. "Which was previously Item Six but the martinis were more important."

"Naturally," Ray said as he drank.

"We need to find more ways to get good press for The Agency," Mallory told them. "I mean the whole thing with the poachers was great. We need more things like that. Something the public will eat up. Not literally Pam!"

"I didn't say anything," Pam snapped. Her mouth was full while she was eating a sandwich. "Have you tried these Ruben sandwiches? They're great!"

"Just try thinking of ways we can get good press!" Mallory snapped.

"Maybe we can rescue some dogs from a puppy mill?" Cyril suggested. "Or something?"

"Lame," Archer scoffed.

"Actually, that's not a bad idea," Mallory paused. "The public would eat up rescuing cute defenseless dogs…Purebreds of course."

"What kind of puppy mill cranks out mutts?" Ray asked.

"You'd be surprised," Krieger snorted.

Mallory grumbled as she took another drink. "Ever since Sandra the Snitch ratted on us about the harbor incident with the dead fish our standings have been shakier than a bad review at a sushi restaurant next to a gas station. If we appear to save some cute animals that might help."

"I'm on it," Krieger looked at his phone. "Does it matter if some of the animals are radioactive?"

"I'm afraid so," Cyril sighed.

"Well that's going to cut down the list," Krieger started searching on his phone.

"I think we should move on for now," Lana suggested.

"Item Eight," Mallory looked at her list. "Trudy Beekman is a bitch!"

"What did she do now?" Lana sighed.

"Just her usual annoying self," Mallory told her. "I just thought I'd put that in. Item Nine…"

"Boy we are really going through the list today," Cheryl spoke up.

"Item Nine," Mallory looked at Krieger. "Krieger you told me that all those stupid Krieger's Korner episodes were offline! But what did I find when I was trolling Me Tube for something to watch? Those stupid episodes!"

"You watch Me Tube?" Ray asked.

"You'd be amazed on how many housewife scandals get filmed," Mallory shrugged.

"I saw a couple of those too," Archer realized. "How many of those did you make?"

"More than we thought we could get away with," Ray admitted.

"Seriously this just started out as one little thing then it snowballed," Pam nodded.

"It started off pretty basic," Krieger admitted. "A few science facts. A few experiments."

"A few fights," Pam went on. "A few explosions. A few fires…"

"I really liked the fire episodes," Cheryl nodded.

"Shocker," Cyril said dryly.

"Then they started getting a little weird…" Krieger sighed.

"By Number Eight we kind of went off the rails," Ray admitted.

"A lot of people thought that about eight," Pam admitted.

"What was wrong with Number Eight?" Archer asked a little defensively.

"Remember the couple weeks Krieger had the dinosaur?" Ray asked. "Well basically he just posted a couple of videos from that time. A music video he made of Walk The Dinosaur…"

"And then another video of him killing said dinosaur," Pam sighed.

"Okay I may have gone a bit too far with that one," Krieger admitted. "Fortunately, most people didn't believe I cloned a real dinosaur. They thought it was totally fake. Score another point for science over skeptics!"

"Just take the stupid videos down!" Mallory snapped. "Item Ten…We're going to need more martinis."

"And more snacks!" Pam called out. "More of these Ruben sandwiches! That's Item Eleven!"

"Yeah why not?" Mallory shrugged as she took a bite of one. "These are pretty good."

"Item Twelve," Archer called out. "Fabian Kingsworth is a total dick! What? You got to say something about Trudy Beekman!"

"I'll allow it," Mallory shrugged as she ate another bite of Ruben sandwich and took a drink.

"What? So…?" Cheryl looked around. "We all get to complain about someone we hate?"

"I'll go," Pam spoke up. "Item Thirteen, my sister is a bitch and I hope to god she dies before I do. Then I can take a whiz on her grave!"

"Hang on…" Mallory began.

"Item Fourteen," Ray called out. "I hate my ex-boyfriend Rolland De Havalay. More like Rolland Will Have A Lay with any skank that bends over!"

"I hate my father!" Cyril shouted. "There! I SAID IT!"

"ME TOO!" Krieger shouted. "You know what? I'm glad the Dobermans tore him to pieces! GLAD, I SAY!"

"See what you started?" Mallory glared at Archer.

"Me?" Archer snapped.

"I hate the Roosevelts!" Cheryl shouted. "Bunch of freaks! FREAKS!"

"I hate you all," Lana glared at them. "And hope to god I outlive most of you!"

"Oooh," Archer remarked. "Good one!"

"Damn it!" Cheryl snapped her fingers. "I should have thought of that!"

"Me too," Cyril remarked.

"Let's just move on, shall we?" Mallory sighed. "Item…Who the Hell cares? I just want another drink!"

"Me too," Krieger cheered.

"Me three!" Pam cheered.

Mallory threw away her list. "You know the rest of these aren't even important because knowing you lot you'd screw it up anyway or ignore it."

"That is true," Pam nodded.

"She's not wrong," Archer shook his head.

"Okay," Lana mused. "I propose we just sit here, drink and finish our lunch and not cause any trouble for once!"

"That would be different," Cyril admitted. "Especially if one of us doesn't burn the place down."

They all looked at Cheryl. "What?" She asked.

"I am so looking forward to never having these meetings again," Mallory grumbled under her breath. She finished the martini she was drinking. "On the other hand, these martini's kick ass!"