"Second Officer?" Jo said, forcing enthusiasm into her voice. She flipped through the pages of the shipping company letter, her anxiety starting to rise as she absorbed the details. It was to be a three-month voyage on the Athena to the West Indies - specifically Jamaica as the ship's Second Officer. Even though she didn't understand everything involved, the invitation seemed like quite an honor and she didn't want to discourage Nick's decision. "That sounds exciting!" she exclaimed, looking over at him as he stood by the kitchen fireplace. He had been relatively quiet on their way home - part of which could have been the letter or perhaps the fact that they had been stuck in the sudden downpour. But now as he tried to dry himself by the fire, Jo could see a crease in his forehead and the slump to his shoulders.
"I ain't takin' the job, Jo," he declared, running a hand through his hair. She recognized the nervous habit, a telltale sign of the apprehension he was feeling.
"Why not? It could be a great opportunity," she urged, turning in her chair, back to the papers laid across the kitchen table. "And three months really isn't that long."
"They tell ya three months, but it'll probably be a lot more…" He wandered over to the counter to grab a mug, then poured himself a cup of coffee. "I've been to Jamaica before… I know how those trips go."
"But they are coming to you - offering you this chance… don't you at least want to consider it?" Jo watched him sigh, staring into the cup. He was torn; his forefinger traced the handle of the cup as he sorted through the possibilities.
"But what would you do?" he asked finally, slowly making his way to the table and sitting beside her. "What about everythin' around here?"
Jo tried to give him an encouraging smile, trying to disguise the knot in her stomach. As much as she wanted to tell him to tear up the letter and pretend it had never come, she knew this was a chance that rarely gave itself up. She knew of his desire to return to sea, the pull that the waters had on him and she always saw the sparkle in his eye whenever he spoke of his merchant marine days. This was his time to do what he wanted, and she couldn't stand in his way. "We will manage," she said, taking his hand. "The boys are older now and can take on more responsibility. You've taught Dan so well, I'm sure he would be more than willing to help out." She held onto his gaze, wanting to reassure him. "This would only be temporary… and at least now you'll have a place to come home to."
Nick mulled over her words and Jo could see a small glimmer in his eyes, but it was soon replaced with a frown. "I don't wanna leave you, Jo." His voice was so small.
She smiled sadly; the ache was intensified by his words. She raised her hand to his face, her thumb gently stroking his cheek. "There has always been a part of you that wanted to return to sea, you've said so yourself… and this is your chance." She looked into his eyes, the assertion in her voice. "I will wait for you, as long as you need."
He removed her hand from his cheek and held in between his own, his baby blues searching for an easy answer. He finally shook his head, sighing. "I can't… this is my home now. Whatever part of me wants to be on a ship, doesn't compare. My life is here…" He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers. "... with you."
"But I don't want you to regret it… what kind of life would it be if you keep thinking of the 'what ifs'?" Jo took her hand away and picked up the pages from the table. "This wonderful opportunity may not come along again…can you pass that up?"
Jo watched his stature deflate, the uncertainty such a heavy load to bear. She knew he wanted her to tell him to stay; to tell him that the only place he needed to be was there, at Plumfield. But they both knew that wasn't the answer. If he truly felt that he could live the rest of his life without ever stepping foot on another ship, he needed to make that choice himself. He sighed deeply. "I don't know…"
"Then you have to decide," Jo whispered, taking a shaky breath. "Before our life together can really start, you need to make sure it's a life you really want."
XXXXX
Hot, suffocating dust blew up off the side road, the grains of grit stinging Nick's eyes. The downpour earlier had been quickly eaten up by the heat, leaving only the odd, tiny puddle behind. He pulled his hat further down over his face, the thick, humid air sweltering against his body. At the moment, Plumfield was just as stifling, his need for some solitude led him towards town. It wasn't that he necessarily wanted to be alone but away from what was making this decision so difficult. The constant energy of the school made it impossible to think - the persistent activity just a reminder of the new life he was living - one so unlike the one he had on the ships.
He would consider it a good life - any man would. He was crazy for even considering the offer. He had almost everything he could ask for in Concord - a good job, a family and leaving any of it behind was foolish. But Jo had been right - there was a part of him that longed for those nights on the waters, under the stars; the days chumming around with the fellas, putting in a hard day's work. There was nothing like breathing in the salty sea air, nothing for miles except the sparkling blue horizon.
He wandered down the road, having chosen to go by foot, giving himself time to think over this dilemma. The letter had given him only a few days to respond and while he immediately wanted to decline, Jo's words and his own heart nagged at him, making it hard to say no. Nick stopped for a moment, looking up at the sky as the late day sun started to set. At least dusk would give way to a cooler evening - the type of evening he always enjoyed with Jo, either spent sitting on the porch or walking through the woods. After 2 years of those evenings, how could he even think of leaving her behind, making her wait while he figured out "the life he wanted"? He knew what life he wanted - it kept him in Concord and had kept him from running straight back to the ships after his sentence was up.
However, he had spent over a decade making a ship his home - those evenings had been filled with exciting stories shared around the galley along with a bottle of whatever could be found. It was a life he knew, a life he had grown accustomed to - no fancy manners or societal ways - not having to worry about what you said or to whom. Things were simple on the ship - comfortable - and something that gave him a sense of pride. He was well respected - the job offer was indication enough and he knew that job entirely, never questioning his place.
Family life was the opposite - confusing and frustrating, often leaving Nick wondering whether he fit in. The day to day could be tough in ways he had never experienced, at times the chaos so overwhelming. But at the end of the day, when the house was quiet and he sat with Jo, their conversation always easy, the fulfillment he felt was something he could never find on a ship. He was accepted - wanted. And ten lifetimes at sea could never give him that. Of course, he had friends - a certain brotherhood among sailors but it wasn't the same as looking into those beautiful brown eyes and knowing that he was truly loved.
As his feet took him into town, the activity on the street was slowing, the day drawing to a close and Nick's mind began to slow, his thoughts settling. Just as he had told Jo, there was no way he could leave her - there was too much to do at Plumfield, the gate just one more issue on a growing list. As the summer arrived, the days would be filled with those family type activities he had come to cherish. There was time for fishing at the creek with the kids, tending the garden with Asia, picnics in the woods with Jo. He wanted those things, wanted those feelings - the calm and the peace. He wanted all of that but most of all, he wanted the life he could give to Jo - give her more stability and provide for her. Nick wanted to carve out his own little place in the world with a wife and a family - he knew this was something he could never do on a ship.
Nick stepped up onto the wooden walkway, giving a quick wave to Mr. Gerson as he closed his shop. Wandering down towards the tavern, Nick's mind still reeled but he knew in his heart he would give up everything just to give Jo the life she deserved. In the end, he knew his place was in Concord - no offer could ever change that. The town shops continued to darken and as Nick passed the old, abandoned ammunition store, he took a deep breath, the air sweet with honeysuckle. His life was right before him and a small smile broke out on his face at the realization. He knew what he wanted more than anything else in the world and as he took a step back onto the road, he knew just what he had to do to get it.
XXXXX
"When do you have to leave?" Nat said quietly, picking at the food on his dinner plate.
"Next week," Nick replied, glancing around at the children sitting at the table. "Thursday, most likely. I gotta get to Boston early an' meet up with the crew - plan courses and everythin'." The faces around him had turned somber, the jovial sounds of a Plumfield meal had been silenced as soon as Nick brought up his news. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, telling them of his departure, trying to make them understand. But he wasn't prepared for the emotion - he could tell several of them were getting upset, no one wanting to make eye contact with him.
"For how long?" Emil piped up, a catch in his voice. Of all the children, Nick would have thought Emil to be the most understanding - a life at sea was something the young man brought up often. But Nick caught him wiping away a few tears, the discussion he had been having with Tommy about bullfrogs long forgotten.
"It'll probably be about three months, dependin' on weather and the winds," Nick said, searching around the room for anyone with an ounce of support. He turned to Jo who flashed him a sympathetic smile and reached out to squeeze his hand.
"The time will fly by and Nick will be back before we know it," she attempted, trying to smooth out the conversation.
"But that'll be all summer!" Tommy exclaimed, the realization finally setting in. "Who's gonna take us fishin'?"
"And you were gonna help us build a treehouse this year," Nan sighed, shaking her head. "We can't do that ourselves..."
"We can still do some of that stuff," Nick replied, trying to defend his position. "We'll just have to do it after I get back - 3 months really ain't that long."
The children said nothing, staring down at the table. Nick sighed. "I know it's gonna be tough - I'm gonna miss everybody but it's somethin' I gotta do…"
Dan, who had been unusually quiet, suddenly stood, his face red with anger. "It ain't somethin' you gotta do…"
"Dan…" Nick pleaded, "You gotta understand…"
"There's nothin' to understand - you're leavin'..." Dan started out of the room, "Hope you have a great time…"
Nick leaped up, rushing through the kitchen and after the young man. He knew this was going to affect Dan the most - the two of them had grown so close, Nick taking over the role of father and friend. He realized how much Dan had lost in the past - never truly having a family until his arrival at Plumfield then losing Mr. Bhaer so soon after. Nick had been a constant for the last 2 years, the time spent teaching each other about so much. It broke Nick's heart to see Dan take this so badly.
He found the him on the back porch, leaning against the railing, trying to control his emotions. He stiffened at the sound of the backdoor closing, avoiding Nick's gaze. "I know you ain't happy 'bout this," Nick started, wandering over to the adjacent stairs. "I'm not completely thrilled 'bout it either."
"Then why are ya goin'?" Dan spat out, turning his attention towards Nick. "Why are ya givin' up everything here? Are we not enough for you anymore?"
Nick glared at him, shocked at the accusation. "Not enough? Are ya kiddin' me?" He stepped towards Dan trying to reason with his anger. "Plumfield is my home… you are my family. Me leavin' has nothin' to do with that."
The young man shifted away, moving down the porch. "I think it does. Don't make much sense to go if it didn't."
Nick sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I can't refuse this offer, Dan. The opportunity would let me move forward in my life. It would give me the chance to do something I've wanted to for so long - ever since I got here."
Dan spun around, his eyes narrowed, jaw tight. "What's that? Leave? Has all this been about money? Was that the only reason you stayed?" Nick could feel the heat of resentment in the boy's words. "Ya just needed to make a few bucks until you could move on ta somethin' else, huh? Well, maybe ya should've left 2 years ago - when ya had the chance the first time. Then we wouldn't have held you back."
"It ain't about the money…" Nick said quietly, struggling to find the right way to explain himself, "Not entirely…"
Dan scoffed, his head shaking. "It's pretty clear… if we were truly your family, you wouldn't be leavin' us - leavin' Mrs. Jo." He lunged towards Nick, getting right in his face. "If this was your plan all along… if you only stuck around until the right offer came 'round, then…" Dan was shaking with anger, his eyes darting, searching for an answer. "... then maybe you shoulda never come. We would've been better off without ya." He took a shaky breath. "I would've been better off without ya."
Nick felt his heart fall, the weight of the words bearing down on his chest. It was true – things would have been very different had he never fixed that first shutter. But would they have been better off if he had never stepped foot in Concord?
Nick shook the thought from his mind. He knew that Dan spoke in anger, that the boy didn't understand the situation or the position that Nick was being put in. And as he stared into Dan's eyes, he knew that it would be difficult to make him understand. "Things ain't always what they seem…" Nick whispered, desperately trying to find the right words.
"I guess they don't…" Dan replied, stepping down the stairs. "It seemed like you cared… it seemed like you were apart of this family." He shrugged. "I guess I was wrong."
Nick watched the boy rush off across the yard, wanting to follow but knowing that it would take more than words to make Dan understand. He would go - do what he set out to do and return - to prove to Dan that they were a family. And to prove to himself that all he wanted was possible.