Jo wiped her hands on her apron, the evening dishes finally finished. She looked over sadly at Asia, as each moment passed, it brought them closer to his impending departure. Her friend smiled back and with a nod, dismissed her. "Go on… I've got everythin' else."
Jo gave her a quick squeeze on the arm and dashed off through the kitchen. The house was relatively quiet; soft movement of the children could be heard upstairs, trying to settle for bed. Jo had a feeling they would be up a while longer, the sorrowful send-offs would have made anyone sleepless - especially Nick. As each student had said their good nights and goodbyes, she watched him become more and more emotional. And Dan's quick exit after dinner hadn't made things any easier.
But she forced all the sorrow from her mind, focused on cherishing the last few hours that she had to spend with the man that held her heart. She had so much she wanted to say and not say, intent on memorizing every moment. She knew he had escaped outside so after grabbing a small envelope from her desk in the parlor, she dashed to the front door.
Jo found Nick leaning against the railing of the porch, his eyes pointed skyward. Closing the door quietly behind her, a nervous dread seeped in and she slowly made her way over to him - his attention never wavering from the stars. She stood next to him; her arms protectively wrapped around the envelope while the silence of the night overwhelmed her. It was frightening, the uncertainty of it all and the intense quiet of the yard seemed to express the hesitation Jo knew they both felt. After several minutes, she saw him inhale deeply, capturing the Massachusetts air and he simply took her hand, leading her off the porch, into the woods.
As they walked in silence, Jo tried to etch the feeling of his hand into her mind, his soft palm dotted with the rough calluses that edged his fingers. They were strong working hands – loving hands - his hands. She briefly closed her eyes, rubbing her thumb along his skin, memorizing each knuckle. She could hear his hastened breath as he pulled them along a steep hill, and she tried to match his jog as he sped up.
Jo opened her eyes to see them among thick trees near the river, the light from a full moon breaking through the branches. Nick seemed determined on this path; he probably could navigate the property around Plumfield blindfolded but Jo could sense a nervousness. From the smallest twitch of his fingers to the slight quiver in his breath, she knew he was struggling. Be it the new adventure or the unresolved tension between him and Dan, Jo began to doubt his sureness. When he had told her of his decision, he seemed confident; he knew he had to take the opportunity. Now she couldn't help but feel like he was fighting against what this opportunity would mean – how final could all of this be?
He slowed his gait as they neared the top of the bluff, the forest thinning out to reveal the carpet of stars above. Jo noticed a blanket laying on the grass in the clearing, a small lantern next to a basket and she smiled as he stopped and turned, looking at her with hesitation. She said nothing, instead tucked the envelope into her skirt pocket and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pulling his lips to hers. She kissed him with an intensity, trying to alleviate the doubts and worries; trying to bring herself into the present and forget about the future. As she ran her fingers through his hair, she could feel his hand sliding along her back, his touch exhilarating as he responded with the same passion. He pressed her body into him, her mouth opening slightly, welcoming his presence even further. A warmth traveled through her, her breath catching in her throat and she was suddenly aware of the tears streaming down her cheeks, a sob bubbling up from within. Jo broke contact, pulling back as the sobs took control and she stood crying in front of Nick. He simply wrapped his arms around her, his hand guiding her head to his chest.
She tightened her own embrace and breathed in deeply, his musk mingling with the sweet smells of the pine and field clover. She listened to his rapid heartbeat and soon realized that he was choking back his own sobs, trying to keep a handle on his own fears. She felt a shudder work through him, and guilt began to flood over her as his hold on her intensified. She was pushing him to take this chance, wanting him to return to the life he spoke so fondly of. And his hesitation seemed to spawn from the same fears she had - if a life at sea was what he was made to do, then that is where he should be. Regardless of whatever feelings were between them, whatever need they fulfilled in each other, the regret would outweigh anything else. She couldn't stand to live with the resentment that came along with unaccomplished dreams. She didn't want him to come home if that wasn't where he was truly destined to be.
Jo sighed, finally lifting her head to look at him in the moonlight. "I love you, Nick," she whispered and took notice of his tears. She reached up, her thumb removing some of the emotion. "I know this is hard - for both of us. But I want you to know that…" The lump in her throat made it difficult to speak. "...that I will understand if your place is not here, in Concord."
Jo watched Nick's face scrunch up in confusion and she took his hand in reassurance. "I don't want you to worry. If you decide to stay and make your life on the ships, as hard as that might be, it will be okay. We will understand."
Nick shook his head emphatically, a smile appearing on his lips, his fingers entangled with hers. "Do you remember the first Thanksgivin' I spent here?" Nick said quietly, wiping a few tears from her own cheeks.
"Yes, of course." The moment she found Nick, working in her chicken coop was permanently etched in her mind.
"Do ya really think I came back 'cause I wanted ta work?" His gaze locked onto hers. "I wanted a life, a place to call home." He ran his thumb along her jaw, his hand moving down to lift her chin. Gently leaning in, his lips placed a soft kiss on hers and the smile returned, "And... I thought you were real pretty."
Nick took her hands and led her over to the blanket, pulling her to the ground with him as he sat. "I've got my reasons for goin' to sea," he said, reaching over to the basket beside them and retrieving a small velvet pouch. "But you gotta know that just like the first time I came back… as long as I've got air in my lungs, I'm always gonna come back to ya."
As Jo stared at his face in the dim light, trying to convince herself of this truth, Nick took her left hand and gently turned it upright. Opening the pouch, he poured out the contents, his eyes lighting up as a small silver ring glimmered with the stars. "Marry me…" he whispered.
A low hum filled Jo's ears and she stared hard at the intricate silver band, noticing the wave-like pattern etched into the shining metal. It was becoming difficult to think. She wanted nothing more than to marry the man before her but with everything to come, it was the last thing on her mind. "Now?" she asked, incredulously.
Nick chuckled. "Well, if the preacher was up at this hour, I'd be willin'..." He shook his head and gingerly picked up the ring from her palm. "This was my Ma's… she gave it to me before she passed." The tears returned to his eyes. "She made me promise to give it to someone who made me a better man, someone who made me happy…" He looked at Jo, an earnest affection filling his face. "And you make me the happiest I've ever been."
Jo felt herself falling apart again, this time because of the love in his words. He took her hand again, placing the heirloom back and folding her fingers over top. "So, I'm makin' a promise to you." Bringing her hand to his lips, he kissed it gently. "I'm promisin' that I will be home… to put that ring on your finger." He paused, searching her face. "If you'll have me…"
Jo could feel her body begin to shake as the emotions became too much. All she could muster was a simple nod of her head and she fell into him, burying herself in his arms. She clung to him, her thoughts drifting to the idea of marriage, the idea of belonging to Nick, the future the two of them could have together. When she had first married Fritz, she felt their future was so certain. She knew she wanted the school and children - the path they had set out before them was easily followed. It was only the professor's death that had thrown things off course. Things with Nick had never been that assured or determined but always seemed to work out, regardless of circumstances. And maybe that was enough… she knew eventually things would happen the way they were meant to. The love she had for this man would be enough to endure the distance and the promise he was making filled her with a calm that could withstand any time apart.
Jo lifted her head and took a shaky breath, her gaze fixed with Nick's. "I would be honored to be your wife." She brought her hand up to touch his cheek, her lips finding his again. This time she tried not to hold back, wanting to share her true intentions – alleviate any fears. She felt his response as the two slowly fell back onto the blanket, still locked in a fervent embrace. Her heartbeat intensified as his hands traveled the length of her back, pulling her closer into his body. All at once, she wanted to speed up and stop time, sweep away those three months while freezing herself in the moment. Her frustration grew along with her intensity and metal dug into her palm as she clenched her fist harder around the ring, trying to hold onto the promise while still holding onto him. She could feel herself getting carried away, desperately wanting to lose herself but always a gentleman, Nick gently pulled back. "If we ain't careful, I might have ta get the preacher."
Jo felt her face redden a bit at her brazenness and she sat up, chuckling at his comment. She was going to miss the ease of their relationship, the safety she found in his affections. As he leaned back on his elbows, she held out her left hand, the ring almost burning on her skin. How she wanted to possess it fully. He rose to his knees and kissed her fingers once more. "You keep this safe. It's liable ta end up overboard wi' me."
He handed her the velvet pouch but instead, she reached behind her neck, undoing the clasp of a thin gold necklace she always wore. It was a treasured chain that Marmee had given her just before she had left for New York. Stringing the ring through, she refastened the necklace and tucked everything beneath her collar. "I will take good care of it… I promise." She sighed deeply. "And you must promise to come home soon. I'm not sure I can stand a lengthy engagement."
"I swear to ya - I'll be home for Thanksgivin'," Nick replied as he sat up and began emptying the picnic basket beside them. "I can't stay away from Asia's cookin'."
Jo smiled, grateful for Nick's humor and gave him a slight shove. "Thanks a lot…"
He sighed in reply, setting down a napkin full of biscuits, his mood turning serious once again. "It'll be nice to actually be comin' home for once. For so many years, it was like takin' a job just to be takin' another one." He smiled at Jo. "Now I've got someone to come home to."
Jo returned the grin, reaching out to give his hand a squeeze. "And I will be here – waiting for you."
XXXXX
Time flew far too quickly for Nick; the twilight had turned to deep night by the time they had packed up and made their way back to Plumfield. He was trying to hold onto every moment he could with Jo, now that she had accepted his proposal, it felt like the connection to Concord was even stronger. It was going to be so hard to leave.
They walked towards the barn, Nick's bags already packed and sitting just inside the doors. He just wanted to see Jo to the house before making his getaway into the night. He was terrible at good-byes - after having to say those words over and over to each of the children, he couldn't bear to say them to her. His plan was for their usual goodnight kiss at the door with the ruse of seeing her in the morning which would be a forgivable white lie. He could slip away, saving them both from the pain of the next day.
As they made their way to the back steps, Nick grabbed the picnic basket, preparing to go inside. "Sit with me awhile on the swing?" Jo suggested, taking his hand.
She was making this harder than Nick wanted it to be, every moment with her knowing that the next would be without. But with the plea in her eyes, he couldn't resist. "Sure," he said, the basket still in hand. "Let me just take this inside."
He escaped into the kitchen, the pain in his chest growing as he looked at the clock. It was well past midnight, the ticking drawing the night to a close. He put the jars back to their usual spots, lingering in the kitchen far too long, his mind trying to wrap around the idea of leaving all of this behind. It would seem like an eternity before he could indulge in some of Asia's leftover pie or sit with Jo over a cup of coffee. So much was coming to a close - so much to try and walk away from.
Nick finally sighed, setting the basket on the sideboard, and stepping back out onto the porch, finding Jo sitting on the swing, her face tired. She smiled up at him as he took a seat next to her, his arm immediately wrapping around her shoulders, pulling her into his side. Lavender and vanilla filled his senses and he breathed in deeply, wanting to keep the scents tucked away. Her head snuggled into the crook of his arm and she sighed with a sad exhaustion as he entwined his fingers with hers. He knew she was avoiding the good night – trying to keep herself awake with the cooling night air – trying to keep the moments from slipping away. "Tell me what it's like," she whispered, her thumb caressing his forefinger. "What is it like at night – in the middle of the ocean?"
The question caught Nick slightly off guard, but he chuckled. "Well, it's usually pretty quiet… once you're done for the day and the rum is done for the night," He glanced down at Jo, expecting a disgusted reaction to his musings. Instead, she gazed up at him, her eyes dreamy but expectant of every detail. "After that, you're down below – probably in yer cabin, lettin' the ship put ya to sleep." He gently began to rock the swing, the movement very much like the sway on a still night in the Atlantic.
"If you're lucky enough to be on watch, you're up on deck, only the night around ya. The best ones are when the moon is full, and the skies are clear. Above ya - thousands of stars to keep ya company… there's nothing else like it." He looked out at the darkened yard. He had almost forgotten the feeling of a ship's night – the black void that surrounded them, the sound of waves against the side of the hull. It always brought him a sense of peace – those quiet nights, the solace found in silence.
He peered down at Jo, her eyes closed, her face softened with sleep. He found solace in these moments too. While little compared to a calm dark ocean, there was nothing that could replace the feel of Jo in his arms, the gentle murmur of a country night. He considered himself lucky. His life had been filled with so many of these bits of time, these instances where he could find himself – especially with a past that had been so difficult. First on a ship and now in Concord, the peace was possible. And although he had to leave, all the ache that sat in his chest disappeared. It had been replaced with the quiet these moments always seemed to bring – a reassurance that the next few months would all be worth it.
Nick sat for a long time, the swing carrying them back and forth, allowing the comfort of the night to overtake him. Not able to avoid it any longer, he leaned over and grabbed the picnic quilt from off the side of the swing, carefully covering Jo from the night air. Then, slowly releasing himself from her slumbering form, he tucked her head on top of a small pillow that sat on a nearby rocker. He still couldn't bring himself to utter those parting words, but he knew that the journey before him would bring him back to more of these peaceful moments.
Reaching into his pocket, he placed a small piece of paper next to Jo, hopeful that what was written would suffice as a comforting goodbye. And with a deep breath, he stepped off the porch, into the dark and onto a new beginning.