AN: Oh my gosh. I can not believe how long it has been since I worked on this fic, thank you guys for returning to read it 😊
Act 95 – Did I Love Them?
Lory stared at Ren as they sat together in the president's office. Ren had always been an enigma, a rare and unusual character that nobody could figure out. Now here he was apparently jeopardizing his future, at least Ren knew that the president was thinking that. Ren was able to pull off human connection when he acted in scenes especially if there were dramas, he knew enough about keeping people at a far enough distance.
This drama would be a training ground in two main ways. First, he would have to act out loving intentions to a woman when he was already trying to block those feelings from extending to Kyoko. Secondly, he would be following in his dad's footsteps and playing the role that he had claimed as his. Would a good-for-nothing son cut even deeper into family tensions?
Lory pulled the cigar that he was smoking from his mouth and breathed out very deeply, "You want to surpass the Tsukigomori from twenty years ago or something like that, right?" the president asked and Ren lifted his head, staring him straight on. Of course he wanted to do that. He wanted to prove that he could beat his father but walking this way felt like walking into dangerous territory, "It looks like you are just the same with Ogata-kun."
Ren nodded, he wanted to prove his worth. Performing this role, claiming it as his, those were two ways he could make sure that he could clutch onto it, "Ye—"
"Forget it," the president said dismissively.
Ren felt his back straighten and his anxieties rise as he stared at the president. He opened his mouth to argue but it was as if he didn't know the right words, instead he slowly replied, "Please don't decide it before I've tried," he requested and the president shook his head.
"It knew it already," he said as Ren looked down trying to figure things out and how he could get a chance to perform as Katsuki, it was a very important role for him, perhaps the most important one of his career at least until they wrote something bigger, better, and brighter. This was a challenge that pitted him across from his father. "Why did I stop you?" the president continued, "You, yourself should have known."
Ren sighed, "You mean that I'll be crushed because my immature act will be revealed?" Ren asked as he rose an eyebrow. It was more important to place importance on the fact that he had never truly felt what might be described as a romantic love. He didn't know how to defend himself if the words about how he had been a disappointment to his child been brought up. He had to stop thinking of his father, his father didn't think about him any longer.
"Exactly," the president replied bluntly, "Your love act is too shallow, no depth at all." The president sighed and nodded as if expecting that before leaning in. "This isn't about love though, is it?" he asked and Ren paused. Did the president know? Of course he knew. "I think that Shuuhei would be -"
Ren quickly stood up. He looked around feeling more nervous, "Yes, well…the love acting. I mean, I'm not entirely inexperienced. I've loved someone before. I've dated before so I must have lo-"
Lory sighed, he raised his eyebrow again before taking a deep breath as if surrendering to the first problem. "This isn't about the number of girls that you've dated before," Lory told him and Ren paused. He didn't want to go back to the other subject. "The number that you have shows that they are all shallow relationships. I mean, how much is the depth of your feeling? How deep did you love those girls?"
Ren paused before blinking, "How deep?" he asked. "I can't explain something like that. I loved all girls I've dated before and treasured each of them," he protested. Yet, even as he said those words and tried to make the president and himself both believe them, there was still that knowledge inside that Kyoko was different. He could bring up names, describe their personality, remember how they moved, how they felt when he would reach out for them or into them but they weren't like Kyoko. Still, he wanted to protect Kyoko and if his love for her was every encouraged that would be bad. He couldn't risk doing to her what he had done to his own parents.
"Yeah, of course," Lory nodded. "You are a man who's kind to everybody that's not your enemy without any distinctions. You didn't realize that and that is the reason why your girlfriends dumped you, did you?" he asked.
Ren paused. He could only half understand what that meant. Yes, there were numerous times when he wouldn't even consider trying to stand in the way of their happiness. There were times when the girl he was dating would threaten to do something like break up with him to be with somebody else and he would only encourage her. There were times when girls wanted him to buy them gifts and spoil them and he did but they said it was always meaningless since they had been the one to pick out the gifts. Maybe he didn't have spontaneity with the girls he had bee with before but he did when it came to Kyoko.
"Ren," Lory explained as he sat forward and picked up the cigar again, "What you call love is on the level where you could easily resign and smile when your girlfriend told you she's in love with another," he said. Ren laughed weakly. That was true. With all the other girls, what he had truly wanted was their joy but when it came to Kyoko, he seemed much more concerned by who she surrounded herself with.
"It's not a bad thing, right?" Ren asked in his defense, he tilted his head to the side in an adorably clueless fashion. "Well…but that's because they said they had someone they loved more than me. If I think about their happiness, I think it's natural to let them do what they want to do."
Lory sighed and closed his eyes, feeling slight anger as he looked at the man opposite him.
"Did you think your girlfriend really wanted to break up with you?" Lory challenged him and Ren sat there stunned. His father had always told him to let a woman make her own decisions and be supportive of them. His mother had taught him to think of others and to try to bring only positive emotions. He had listened to their wise advice and seen them in love but it had seemed that doing that was the wrong move, or at least, that's what the president seemed to be implying. "What was her expression? Her behavior? Did you feel that even a bit from her words?" he asked and Ren paused as he reflected on his sad past.
Ren paused. Yes, people didn't always say what they meant with words and as an actor, he really should have known that more. Even when he was younger, he wanted to be an actor one day so he should have been noticing any nonverbal cue as well. Not only was he not a very considerate young boy, he was also clueless to normal human socialization.
"That time, she was looking at me as if she was expecting something big…if I think about it now, when she said she wanted to break up with me, was there really any guy who she stared at passionately. Usually our eyes didn't meet either," Ren began muttering to himself and the president coughed to clear his throat.
"Ren, she never said, let's break up from her mouth even just one word, right?" he asked and Ren paused feeling idiotic in that. He had thought that she would. However, he had just done what was most respectful in his mind. Still, as the pieces of his romantically lacking past came together he realized just how many times he had just stared into Kyoko's eyes wondering what she would say. No. He was tempting himself with her. She was too good for him.
"She was expecting you to be jealous and stop her. She wanted the real proof that you loved her. She was just testing you," Lory told him and Ren bowed his head. If he had been through this before then maybe he should stop here before he hurt Kyoko further.
"Ren," Lory finally said in a more relaxed manner, "If love becomes serious you'll lose your composure. It makes one not care anymore even if he looks lame and messy. Can someone like you express it?" he asked and Ren froze. He was wondering that of himself too. He didn't want to look desperate and as if he were failing. He didn't want to risk making himself vulnerable or hurting others. "The feelings of a man who loves a woman so dearly but suppressed those feelings inside of himself with all of his might."
Ren paused. He felt that he could do it. That's how he currently felt with Kyoko. That's how he had felt with his parents. He wanted to contact them. He wanted for them to contact him but the phone never rang, no mail was intercepted by the president, there was nothing that connected him to them any longer. He was their no good runaway son and if Kyoko really knew how bad he was for the people he cared for then would she reject him as well.
"You can tell me the truth," Ren said as he looked up at Lory who was about to speak, "You once told me that when we are inside this room, this is a private area in which I can speak things I would never say to anyone else, correct?"
Lory eyed him suspiciously, "Is this Ren Tsuruga speaking to me?" he asked wondering if he should draw the blinds.
Ren put his hands on his knees and looked up. He took a deep breath in and asked a question that Lory would never have been expecting, "At what age did my father start hating me?" he asked and Lory's jaw dropped, the cigar landing on the floor. What kind of question was that?
End of Act 95
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Thank you to the reviewers of Act 94
Kaname671