Turbolift Confessions (part 1):
Obi-Wan was honestly surprised when it took Anakin all the way to the turbolift to make his standard complaint about lectures, considering the exasperation the young Knight radiated for the whole thirty second walk down the hallway that dragged in tense silence.
As he pushed the button to open the lift door, his former Padawan finally said, "Obi-Wan, if this is about my attachments again, could we just skip it? I'm sure I can save you the time and trouble by saying; yes, I still suck at letting go, and yes, I shouldn't let my emotions get the better of me like I just did with Yularen. I swear I'm trying, you must believe me, but I just FEEL so much!"
The doors closed them into the lift and down they went.
Anakin continued his sudden outburst, and Obi-Wan let him, knowing that the younger man needed to vent sometimes. But he let out way more than the Jedi Master was expecting.
Anakin had his gaze firmly attached to the descending numbers above the lift door as he all but cried out, "I'm sorry I can't be a perfect Jedi like you all want me to be! But I'm not like you! I can't just turn my emotions off like that! I WANT to feel the joy and love that my friendship with Ahsoka brings me. You have no idea how much I missed her this last year! Having a bond with her brings me peace! I don't understand how that can possibly be a bad thing! You know how chaotic the Force is within me sometimes! How I feel the emotions and events around me so keenly sometimes that it almost hurts! When Ahsoka's around, everything else is quiet!"
The lift dinged their arrival, but neither moved to leave.
Anakin finally turned his tormented gaze to Obi-Wan and the older Jedi felt like a blaster bolt had just shot through his chest at how much emotion Anakin was all but shoving at them through their sketchy bond as he explained things in a way that finally made sense to Obi-Wan. "I..."
Anakin didn't give him time to even start a sentence, but plowed on. "And it's the same with Padmè! That's why I have to comm her every day! I need that ten minutes of tranquility that I can't find anywhere else in this karking war! Our men are fairly good at hiding their emotions, but I can still feel them! I feel whenever one mourns for a favourite brother. I feel whenever they worry about their existence after the war. I feel whenever they pour their hate at the droids into the Force on the battlefield. And there's thousands upon thousands of them, Obi-Wan! The clones know no peace in themselves! They have nightmares all the time! Nightmares that seep into my dreams too! Nightmares about being Good Soldiers that torment them with the brutal consequences if they're anything but that!"
Anakin's voice broke at that and he turned his face away, shaking his head as he paled considerably. He stepped back until he hit the wall and then slid down to the floor, arms dangling over his drawn up knees and head buried between them.
Silence reigned, Obi-Wan at a loss as to what to say, and Anakin shuddering as his fingers suddenly clenched in his hair.
"And that's how I feel too," the huddled boy/man eventually said, his muffled voice just loud enough for Obi-Wan to hear. "I feel like a soldier with the entire galaxy resting on my shoulders. I'm supposed to be this amazing, all perfect, Chosen One, which I really am trying to be, but do you know how stressful that is? To know that every single person is counting on you like that? How am I supposed to bring peace to the galaxy and balance to the Force when all I can feel is the Dark writhing around in glee? Stronger and stronger with each passing year. I am constantly assaulted by visions of my failure. Constantly." He paused, and then whispered. "Even now."
Force, Obi-Wan thought, his chest so tight with his own sense of failure and remorse that he could barely breathe. Our bond is that broken that I couldn't even tell that he was receiving a vision from the Force? How did everything go so kriffing wrong? He slid down the wall too and sat beside his Padawan, copying his position, but keeping his head turned towards Anakin. "Tell me. Tell me what you see."
Anakin turned his head, his sapphire eyes swimming with moisture. "Usually, I see Jedi and citizens alike falling under the red lightsabre of a very tall man all in black, the galaxy as a whole in fear of him. I've always assumed that he's the Sith Lord we're looking for. But just now, I saw the Senate Building in shambles. I saw the Jedi Temple burning. I heard the younglings crying in fear. I saw a Venator crashing into a white moon and the cries of hundreds of frightened clones suddenly silenced. I saw Master Plo shot down from the sky. I saw Padmè being choked to death. I heard Ahsoka say, 'Rex! It's Anakin. I feel like something terrible has happened!' And I felt the Force weep with sorrow. So much sorrow."
Anakin blinked and some of the hovering tears escaped, slithering down his pale-as-death cheeks. "The Force keeps telling me that I am a failure. That is what I live with. Every. Single. Day."
Obi-Wan was nearly choking on his own tears by this point. He grabbed the back of Anakin's head and leaned over, pressing their foreheads together. The younger man stiffened for a moment before he sagged into the desperate embrace. "No, Anakin. No! You listen to me! Visions aren't absolute. They can be given as warnings too. The Force knows that we can change what it shows you to something better. It's giving you the chance because it trusts in you to do so. Yes, you're the Chosen One, but you are not alone! I'm with you. I'm always with you. You're the one I live for, don't you see? I've given up everything to be at your side. Everything."