She didn't think she'd feel so torn. The moment she saw him, when she realized that he was given back to her, her mind became blank, nothing else mattered. He was, is and will always be her life, her future.
But as soon as she set foot back into that house now filled with the joyous screams of happy children, when she faced him, Andrew, the words that she had planned to say got stuck in her throat. She smiled, that part was easy, gathered Tommy, Hayley and Emily in her arms for a hug before their father put them to bed.
Since then, she has closed herself in her bedroom. Gaze lost ahead, looking at the lights illuminating the town through the window, trying to find the strength to destroy the world that they had started to build together. There is no good solution, no answer among the stars above her head. She is stuck in a situation she never thought she'd face, torn about what she has to do because she knows that she is going to hurt people who don't deserve it. People who care about her, and whom she cares about as well.
Yet, it hasn't always been like this…
FLASHBACK
"Again, Regina!"
She laughs softly, checks the fastener on the swing before grabbing the rope on each side, pulling the child backward, and letting go.
These last couple of months have been... quite rocky, to say the least. It was pure coincidence that one day she stumbled upon Andrew begging her landlady to find him another nanny after all the ones she'd sent him had run away from his home after less than two weeks. It was in front of the opportunity and the need for income that she offered her help, thinking that it'd keep her mind busy and, well… it was not really as if she had qualifications for many jobs. You can't become the mayor that easily in the towns without magic.
Reality quickly made her understand why the other nannies left though, because she found herself in the middle of a broken family in which the children were left to their own devices despite their young age. The execrable attitude of the two older children, the insolence, the passivity of the father who was ultimately responsible for the distress of his children gave her a headache more than once, and she almost gave up in front of the task at hand.
It took her several days, weeks, to manage to put firm rules in place, to show Tommy and Hayley that they were not the rulers of this house, and yes, she had to show the face of the Evil Queen within her once or twice to get through with them. The sudden presence of rules, of someone upright in their conduct who put back in their place as children and gave the much-needed attention to these motherless orphans abandoned by their father, finally revealed the real face of these two little monsters, who are ultimately sweet kids who just needed to be channeled and pampered.
With Andrew though, it's been another pair of hands. At a complete loss when it comes to handling fights and cries, burying his head in the sand and spending his time at work instead of with his children, he's fled every single conversation she tried to have with him about his children. If he accepts her in his home, they haven't really been able to have a talk or even connect. However, Regina must admit that so far, she doesn't really mind. It gives her the necessary privacy to work on herself and overcome her own trauma.
From the corner of her eye, as she's still pushing Hayley on the swing, she catches sight of Tommy beginning to wander off. She reacts immediately, calls him firmly, drawing his attention as he turns to face her.
"Where are you going?"
"I want to go there," the boy says, pointing a finger in the direction of an alley leading to another part of the park.
"You stay with me, Tommy. I want to see you."
"But I—"
"No but!" she cuts, tilting her head as she beckons for him to join her by flexing her fingers. "Come here, sweetie!"
She stops the swing, quickly glancing at Emily, the eight months old baby sleeping in the stroller next to her, and waits for Tommy to join her.
Luckily, the boy does come without making a fuss this time, although his head is down and his arms crossed on his chest in a pout, proof that he's not happy about her refusal. Keeping Hayley, still safely attached in the swing, and her little sister in her line of sight, Regina crouches in front of the 5 years-old boy, taking his hands in hers.
"I want to go see the ducks," he grumbles, stomping his foot.
Regina knows what he's talking about. There's a small pond in this park where a good dozen ducks live. She took the kids there a couple of times already, and the little boy has really taken a liking in feeding the animals.
"Tommy, if you want to go, you ask me first," she explains softly, but firmly enough that he knows he can't argue with her. "I am the one who decides if we can go or not. But you can't leave on your own, alright? You wouldn't want to get lost, do you?"
"Regina, I want the swing!" Hayley complains, pulling on the rope of her swing.
"Wait a minute, please. I am talking to your brother," she says with a voice that doesn't call for an argument.
Tommy shrugs, still pouting, but at least he's not yelling like he used to when she first said no to him. The child shakes his head, his brown hair flying around his face. Regina runs a tender hand through them, taps the tip of his nose playfully before checking her watch. "Good boy. Now, we don't have time to go see your ducky friends, but what we can do is have some cookies and orange juice as a snack. Do you want some?"
The brown eyes facing her are suddenly lighting up with interest, and the initial bad mood turns into a beaming and toothy smile as he nods eagerly.
"Cookies!"
"I want cookies!"
Regina laughs, grabbing the boy's hand as she gets up, leading him to a nearby bench before freeing a very impatient Hayley from the swing and bringing Emily as well.
When Andrew comes back home that evening, Emily is already sound asleep, while Hayley and Tommy are brushing their teeth under her guidance. She notices how he stays a bit far for a moment, watching them, and she respects that time. Meanwhile, she patiently explains to his daughter how to hold her toothbrush, then wipes the remnant of toothpaste from the corner of Tommy's mouth with delicate gestures and a soft voice.
It's only when she begins to lead the children outside the bathroom that they notice their father, and Regina watches with tenderness how they completely forget about her and run to him.
"Papa!"
Andrew crouches, gathers the toddlers against him, pressing a kiss to each of their heads.
"Hey, little ones."
They pull back, facing him.
"Why you're late again?" Hayley questions sadly, almost pouting as she bounces on her feet.
"I have a lot of work, darling. But I have thought about you all day. I really missed you."
"Really?" the little girl asks, suddenly beaming.
"Yes. I was very impatient to see you."
"Can you come with us to the park tomorrow?" Tommy requests. "Regina say she's gonna take us to see the ducks tomorrow!"
"Did she?" Andrew glances up at Regina who's standing a few feet away to give them privacy.
She shrugs, a little embarrassed, so she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear to give herself something to do.
"Yes. Tommy really loved it when I took them there last time. He wanted to go back today but it was too late," she explains, leaving out the little boy's attempt at escaping on his own.
"It seems to be an excellent idea," he agrees, and then turns to his boy. In this instant, Regina knows that he's about to act as usual, and break his son's heart and hope. "Although I won't be able to come with you."
The disappointment on the child's face is hard to miss. "Why?"
"I have a lot of work, Tommy," he repeats, making Regina cringe and almost roll her eyes. This is the same excuse that he keeps saying whenever his children ask for him, and it annoys her greatly because in the end, she is the one who deals with their frustration and sadness. "It's very important, you understand?"
The boy looks down at that, shrugging before walking towards his bedroom, his feet scratching the floor.
It breaks Regina's heart to see this child so sad, how he clearly misses his father but Andrew doesn't seem to realize that the more time he spends at work, the more his children suffer. That none of his excuses are meaningful to a five years-old.
So she runs a hand in Hayley's hair, urging, "Go to your room, sweetheart. I'll be here in a minute."
When she finds herself alone with Michael, she crosses her arms over her chest and leans against the door frame. Lifting an eyebrow, she sends him a pointed look, using that moment to finally step in like she didn't dare, or couldn't do before. "You should come with us tomorrow, Andrew."
The man rolls his eyes, snorting. "Didn't you hear me? I don't have time, Regina. I have to work."
"Oh yeah, I know. Everyone knows that you have to work, you keep repeating it all day," she sighs, shaking her head and looking away.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"They are your children."
"I know. But if I want to give them everything they need, I have to make sure my business is working. This house has a price!"
"They need you," Regina points out. "Not a mansion."
"Don't you think I know that?" Andrew bursts out, pacing and raking a hand through his hair. "I miss them, Regina! I miss them everyday! But it's too hard! They are the only thing I have left of her, and I love them with everything I have, but they also remind me of her so much…" he pauses, inhaling sharply, a hand covering his face.
Regina stops herself from going to him. This is not her place, not yet at least. She doesn't know the details of what happened to the kids' mother, but she knows that it's since then that things went to hell at home, Andrew taking refuge in his work to avoid being reminded of what he lost, and his children finding themselves without any parents to take care of them, leaving them without any guidance despite their very young age.
"The only thing that allows me to sleep at night," Andrew resumes with a broken voice, lifting his eyes towards her. "is the knowledge that I finally found the perfect person to take care of them."
"But I'm not their mother!" she reminds, taking a step forward. "I'm not their father." She stops right in front of him, locking eyes with him. "I may have been here for two months, but I'm still a stranger, Andrew. I am not enough. I will never be enough, and I shouldn't be. Andrew, they ask for you all the time! And I'm sorry to break it to you but the fact that you aren't here is the reason why they've been so awful to the other nannies."
"But conveniently with you everything is perfect," he snorts.
"It's not," she argues. "Trust me, at first it was a struggle. It drained me to handle their cries and whims all day, but I managed, and now it's getting better little by little, but there is still a lot of work to do. Unlike what you must think the situation is far from being perfect," she snaps. "How can it be, when you haven't even been able to see Emily in almost a week because you leave before she wakes up and come back home when she's asleep?" She pauses, takes a second to center herself. This is the first time they fight, the first time they raise their voices. The first time they talk like this actually. She may have been living here for two months, but Andrew hasn't been much more present to her than he's been with his children. And as she defends these children with everything she has, she realizes that even if her own wounds are still raw, at least this job keeps her focused enough so she doesn't feel suffocated and crushed under the weight of her suffering. "And I love this job, Andrew, I really do. But I didn't accept to take care of your children so you could lock yourself in your office and disappear from their lives."
"I'm not—"
"I know!" she cuts him off before he repeats for the umpteenth time that he's not doing it on purpose and that he has to work. "I was a single mother and a mayor at the same time. Trust me, I understand what it means to have to find a balance between your child and your job. So you can believe me when I tell you that children always come first!" Her voice softens then, memories flooding her as she lets out sadly, "You don't want to wake up one day and realize that you don't recognize the grown-up boy standing in front of you. You don't want to be confronted to your child turning his back on you because you chose something else over him."
"Seriously?" Andrew bites. "You're such a hypocrite, Regina. You're here lecturing me about parenting, when you're the one who abandoned your kid when you couldn't handle the situation anymore. Yeah, you're such a perfect mother that you can give me lessons about the way I raise my own children."
Regina freezes, eyes wide. The bitterness in his voice, the comment he just made… it's something she never heard from him, but damn it stings. And he's right... She did leave her son behind. Closing her eyes for a second, she steps back, glad that she managed to hold back the hand that was on the verge of slapping him. It wouldn't have solved anything.
"You know nothing of my situation," she replies bitterly. "So you keep your accusations to yourself, and cool off. Meanwhile, I'm going to tuck your children in. If you could happen to pass by their bedrooms to bid them a good night, preferably without being an ass, that would be nice."
Turning her back on him without sparing him another glance, she heads for Hayley's room. The little girl is sitting cross-legged on her bed, fidgeting with her doll. Regina crouches in front of her, two fingers cupping her chin to make her look up at her.
"Hey, sweetheart. Time to go to bed."
"Can you read me a story?" she requests shyly.
That's when Regina realizes that the child must have heard the argument, because she's never been that calm and quiet before going to bed.
So she puts on a smile that screams reassurance and softness, and grabs the few books next to the bed. "Of course. Which one should we read tonight?"
When she exits the bedroom a few minutes later, she hears hushed voices coming from Tommy's room, so she approaches it carefully, trying not to make any noise.
"I'm sorry, Tommy… I love you, my boy."
She steps closer, head peeking through the door discreetly enough so she won't be noticed. She glances inside, smiling as she finds the little boy snuggled in his father's arms, Andrew carding a soothing hand in his hair before kissing the top of his head.
"I want things to be like before, when you were with us all the time."
Regina's heart squeezes at the confession, the sadness obvious in the five years-old voice.
"I know. I wish I could make that happen." Andrew looks down at his son. "But you're not all alone, little man. Regina is here. You like Regina, don't you?"
The kid nods, "Yes. She takes us to the park, and she bakes the best desserts." Regina smirks, suppresses a chuckle at the child's priorities. "But I want to be with you too."
Andrew sighs, relenting when his head ducks down. "Alright, my boy... I— I can't make any promises, but I will try to come see the ducks tomorrow."
Tommy looks up at him with shining eyes, the sight warming Regina's heart. "Really?"
His father chuckles at his enthusiasm. "Like I said, I'll try. So there's a risk I might not be there on time, alright? I don't want you to make a big deal out of it if I can't."
The relieved and hopeful smile on Tommy's chubby face is exactly what Regina hoped to finally see, so deciding that she's heard enough, she steps back silently to give father and son some more privacy, while she retreats into her own space in the attic.
She heads for the small fridge that she keeps in her bedroom for her own personal use. Pouring herself a glass of wine, she sits on the small sofa, grabs the book she started reading two weeks ago and opens it where she stopped last time, but she quickly realizes that her mind isn't there tonight. She's still hurting from the words, the truth, that Andrew threw at her. How funny that despite the fact that they barely talk about one another, he managed to find where to press to hurt her to the core.
She closes her eyes, sighing heavily and wishing for him to be here with her right now. His presence is the only way to soothe her pain, to comfort her, and no matter how difficult it is to see him while knowing what his presence implies, she cherishes the calmness of those shared moments, when they just look at each other in the eye, lying on their sides on the bed, facing each other.
She knows it's not real, that he isn't real, yet every day she can't help but wait impatiently to see him. Sometimes, he shows up unexpectedly, somewhere in the crowd at the park, at the supermarket, whether she is with the children or alone. He doesn't always talk, but she feels reassured, calmer by his presence.
Lord knows how badly she needs him right now. Andrew's words have brought back to the surface the guilt that is gnawing her inside, and she struggles to keep her tears at bay, struggles to overcome the sadness and heartbreak that are her everyday companion whenever she lets her guard down. Because yes, she left her son behind. Yes, she failed him as a mother. And yes, she chose herself over him. Her recovery and her job are keeping her busy enough so she won't think of this all day long, but it doesn't mean she doesn't suffer from the situation.
"Are you alright?"
She wipes the tear that fell from her eye and sighs, before folding her legs beneath herself and adjusting her position in her seat.
"Do you want the real answer?"
He takes place by her side, his hand lifting to brush her cheek, but he stops before he reaches her, retreating his hand slowly as he frowns sadly. Physical contact is not something an illusion can provide, and they are both acutely aware of that.
"I want you to be alright, Regina."
Regina looks down. "That's not going to happen anytime soon." Glancing at the door, she adds, "This job is helping, it's providing a good distraction and allows me to focus on something else." Her gaze falls back on him then, and as always, she's hit by the depth of his blue eyes that read her like an open book, his handsome face, the concern that rarely leaves him. "But in the end, it doesn't change the fact that you're not here. It doesn't make your loss more bearable."
"Maybe with time."
Regina shrugs, glancing down. "Maybe." She drinks a sip of her wine. "But I'm not there yet."
A small knock on the door makes her jump, she and Robin glancing over at the door, then at each other, frowning.
"Regina?"
Andrew's voice is sheepish and hesitant, entirely different from the one he used earlier. Different from all the other times they spoke, actually. Taken aback and unsure about what to do, Regina stares at the door in silence, not moving a finger.
"Regina? Can we talk?"
She casts her gaze down, inhaling sharply. She's not certain she wants to be seen like this, vulnerable, and truth be told the fight with him has exhausted her. She's not sure she has the strength to raise her walls on time to deal with this.
"Open the door."
She looks up at Robin when he speaks, finds him watching her intensely.
"Don't shut down. You might not be ready, and he may have been a bit too far, but grieving doesn't mean you can't have friends." He lifts his hand close to her face again, hovering above her cheek, dying to touch her as she's dying to be touched, sadness filling his eyes as she can't help but lean into emptiness. "Let him in, Regina. Let someone else be there for you."
He disappears then, and Regina finds herself staring at nothingness. Damn that man, even dead, he knows how to push her to do things she doesn't want to do…
The silence is broken by footsteps, someone walking away from the door, and she snaps out of her daze. Exhaling deeply to give herself some confidence, putting the glass down on the coffee table, she pushes herself up and walks to the door.
Her hand is on the doorknob as she takes a second to gather her thoughts before opening.
She faces Andrew's back as he is starting to leave, the sound making him stop and turn around warily, his demeanor unsure, apologetic.
Regina doesn't say a word, only takes a step back and tilts her head, inviting him to enter. She doesn't wait for him before she goes back to her spot on the couch, grabbing her glass again and taking one more sip of wine. She's going to need it to go through this.
Andrew closes the door behind him, standing awkwardly, not really knowing what to do, where to start. Putting an end to his suffering, Regina waves her hand in the direction of the fridge.
"Help yourself. The glasses are in the cupboard."
She lets him pour himself a drink, while she looks blankly ahead, silent. It's only when he sits next to her that she meets his gaze.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I crossed the line tonight."
"You did."
"Look, Regina," he drops his glass on the coffee table, turns fully towards her. "I don't know you very well besides the fact that you seem to be a lonely and secretive woman who takes incredibly good care of my children, and I respect that. But since we're living under the same roof, and I have no intention of firing you, maybe we could start to know each other a bit more?"
She ducks her head, arching an eyebrow. "How so?"
"I don't know… We don't have to remove the skeletons from the closet, but maybe start with innocent questions? Like 'Where did you grow up?', for example. I won't force you to confide in me, as long as you won't with me, but my children know you better than I do, I think that needs to change. Is that ok with you?"
Regina holds her breath, thinking of pros and cons, closing her eyes for a moment as she makes the decision. She always suffers when she opens up.
But you're suffering now anyway, a little voice she knows very much whispers in her head.
So deciding to grab the bull by the horns and face her fears, she opens her eyes.
"Alright. What do you want to know?"
END OF FLASHBACK
That was the first step, the one that set the premise of their relationship that was going to be made of complicity and laughs, of evenings chatting near the chimney around a good bottle of wine, of confidences about the ones they lost.
Robin, for her. And Henry as well, because even though her son was alive and well and calling her almost every day, she missed him so badly that Andrew was the one who pushed her to invite him over the first time, arguing that no matter how bad she was hurting, she would feel better if she could see her boy. He was right. Henry had been thrilled to be able to see her, and it had done her a lot of good, had helped her keep healing without suffering too much from his absence. Knowing that he was welcomed in the home of this man she was slowly bonding with, played a huge part in her recovery.
As for Andrew… She found out that his wife had been killed in a car accident when Emily was barely two months old. That she was the man's only love, and this house that they had bought together was their sanctuary…
Over the months that followed, the long talks they ended up having about her, the improvement of his relationship with his children, helped him overcome his sorrow. Little by little, with her help, he had been able to take out of the drawers the pictures of her he had hidden because looking at them was hurting too much.
It's only later, much later, that he and Regina grew closer than just friends. They didn't force things, it came naturally, and Regina couldn't deny that it was what made her last barriers crumble, what definitely allowed her to move on, against all odds. She never thought that finding someone again would be what she needed, but it was.
That's why, as happy and relieved she is by Robin being back, it doesn't make the situation easy. The fact that she didn't know that he was alive, that she was with someone else while he was on his way to meet her, triggers a guilt in her that she almost chokes on.
Just like she realizes that Andrew is getting attached to her while her heart isn't available, not anymore at least. Leaning her head against the sofa, she takes a long, deep breath, trying to ignore this feeling that she's betraying everyone, the way her heart is torn between the man she loves, and the one who helped her overcome his death. Because she might not be in love with Andrew, but she does care about him a lot. Not counting the children.
She's startled by a knock on her door, invites him to enter because she knows it's him, and well, she's avoiding him since she came back home with the knowledge that Robin was alive.
"Hey," he says softly as he peeks his head inside the room.
"Hey." She smiles tiredly, not wanting to show her troubled mood to him, not wanting him to suspect anything, at least until she's figured things out.
"Am I interrupting?"
Her smile widens a little, and she straightens on the couch, shakes her head and invites him in. "No, come in. I have something to tell you actually."
"Oh?" He takes place next to her, his soft smile on display, and it only makes things harder for her. But before she can say a word, his hand cups her cheek, bringing her face to his and she doesn't resist when he presses his lips to her. His thumb is soothingly brushing her jaw, his breath mingling with hers while she can't help but answer his kiss. She loops her fingers around his wrist gently, and rests her forehead against his once they pull back. "I missed you today," he murmurs.
Another wave of guilt washes over Regina at his words, her eyes clenching as she swallows heavily. "I missed you too," she replies anyway.
But then she pulls away a little, needing some space to gather her thoughts and tell him the truth about what happened... despite the fact that she still hasn't decided which words to use.
"How was Henry?"
Glancing up at Andrew and caught off guard, Regina holds her breath. "He's good. But that's why I needed to talk to you."
Sitting more comfortably on the sofa, Andrew throws his arm across the backrest so he can face her. "Sure, tell me."
"I-" she hesitates, her voice trembling, so she clears her throat. She looks into his eyes, the words on the tip of her tongue, but as she tries to ready herself to voice them, she finds herself paralyzed. She remembers two years ago, when she had to announce her decision to her son, when she stayed frozen on her couch for hours, unable to make a move because the idea of facing his brown eyes and his sadness was unbearable to her.
Andrew isn't Henry. He isn't her son, he is a grownup, and their relationship is different. Yet, her mind is swirling, her heart is beating fast, her throat is squeezing with anxiety and she hates herself when she speaks words that she knows will only make things worse.
"I need to take a few days off." She can read the surprise in the man's eyes, because she usually wouldn't do that, and damn her for bailing on him and not being brave enough to spill the tea like she should. "I know I usually warn you a few days in advance, but the reason why Henry showed up unannounced and couldn't stay here this time is because something came up. Something that I definitely didn't expect." She chuckles dryly, tilting her head. "And I need some time, some space to deal with the situation," she adds warily, observing him closely. "Please?"
Andrew stays silent for a moment, staring at her, unreadable, which only makes her grow more nervous. And then, he lifts a hand, traces the outline of her face with the tip of his fingers, eyes following the path. His hand finds hers, squeezing gently before bringing it to his mouth and depositing a kiss to her digits.
"I understand, although I admit that I would've appreciated a little head start," he finally says, sighing. "I can handle dropping and picking Tommy and Hayley from school, but I don't have anyone to watch over Emily."
"What about the intern you got last month? I know that's not ideal, but could she take care of her at least tomorrow, time to find someone for the other days?"
"I'm not sure if I'm allowed to use her for babysitting," Andrew admits while scratching the side of his head. "You really can't take her with you at least tomorrow?"
Regina winces. She could, but the truth is that she'd rather discuss what she wants to discuss with Robin tomorrow without the prying eyes of the curious two years old little girl.
Wincing, she replies, "I'm sorry."
Andrew leans backward, wiping his face. "Alright, I'll do that then. Or I'll take her with me, I don't have many meetings so perhaps I can handle her myself. How much time off do you need?"
Regina feels stuck at this moment. Unsure of what the right answer is, she stays vague, hoping that he won't ask too many questions today. "I… I don't know."
He sighs, scoots closer but doesn't try to reach out to her this time. "Regina, what's going on?"
"Just give me a few days to figure it out. Please?"
She can read the disappointment and confusion in his eyes. She might not have said much, but he's a smart man, he must have understood that something was going on, and that it wasn't necessarily good for him. Nonetheless, he nods.
"Very well."
He gets up, walks to the door without another word. Just before he closes the door behind him, he turns to look at her one last time, "Whatever you have to do, Regina, I'll understand. Just don't make it last for too long. It will only be more painful for everyone."