You seem so damn familiar
But I just can't place the name
You're starin' in the mirror
But your face won't stay the same
(Repeat by Luke Hemmings)
Before, Harry used to be great at putting on a brave face and persevering through things no teenager should ever have to encounter but not now, after all the loss and all the destruction. Instead, he chose the silent path. He hadn't really spoken to Ron or Hermione in these past weeks and the strangest part is that they hadn't tried to push him either. It felt like the golden trio was too individually damaged to try to help each other heal. Hermione still can't forgive herself for erasing her parents' memory and goes every day to the Ministry to try to find a way to get them back. She's also too proud to admit that she's not fine at all after what happened at Malfoy Manor. Ron lost a brother and everyone in his family is so broken that he is the one who had to step up and find ways to keep them from falling apart.
In the middle of it all Harry finally got what he always wished for: peace. Or at least what he used to define as peace. The dream was to be normal, just another kid blending in, not the Boy Who Lived. Since the battle he felt like he got his wish but not because people didn't care about his story anymore, they most definitely did, but in a way nobody around was paying him any extra attention. In fact, the Weasleys mostly forgot he's even there, wich is strange because Ms. Weasley always fussed so much around him. It used to annoy Harry and make him uncomfortable but now he missed it terribly.
Like always, he was wide awake way earlier than everyone else or at least was the only one to get up instead of trying to fight the fact that all of their nights would be full of horror from now on. They'd all seen way too much and he knew from experience that's just not something you can go back from. His morning routine consisted in taking a shower, making breakfast for everyone and disappearing into the wards of the Burrow. Nobody seemed to care or even realise that he took in most of the cooking these past days and he was glad to be useful to the Weasley's after everything they lost. That morning he knew something was different when he came down and was greeted by Mr Weasley who was already making breakfast, or at least trying to.
- Oh, mornin', Harry - Arthur as he tried to keep the kitchen from catching fire - I don't know who's responsible for the breakfast that's been magically appearing everyday, but do you think they'll come down soon?
- Morning, Mr Weasley - he responded while pulling his wand and helping the older man keep things under control - Er… It's been me making breakfast, I can take it from here if you don't mind
- I had no idea, Merlin, I'm sorry I thought it was Ron or Ginny - Mr Weasley said alarmed but not protesting Harry's advances to take charge of the situation - You shouldn't have, you're a guest here and…
- It's fine, really, I'm happy to be useful and I honestly enjoy it after a year without any real food
The silence that stretched after that sentence made Harry really consider letting fire catch and disappearing into the smoke. He hadn't meant to say any of that and honestly had no idea where it had come from. He'd never been one to open up even to his friends, let alone Ron's dad. The fact that he did it so willingly meant something was definitely wrong with him.
Before he could think of a way to make the situation go away he was saved by Hermione entering the kitchen looking. She looked normal but she was the best among them at keeping her feelings to herself but Harry could tell she was not herself. He knew how much Hermione loved control and she lost that a year ago when they left without prospects of coming back. Now they were back and alive besides all odds, but left with a broken world to fix and a new future to build.
- Hermione, you're awake! I was just coming to wake you and Ron up - Mr Weasley said also glad to be getting out of that award situation- Kingsley just owled and said he was coming to talk to the three of you about… well everything
- I wondered when he was coming - she said joining Harry in the preparing of breakfast - I guess we've postponed it long enough and the longer we wait the worst the speculation will get about what we were actually doing this past year.
Harry didn't care about the speculations, he didn't care about anything at all because of how empty he felt but he supposed Hermione was right. Still, it was hard to face the fact that they would have to relieve that last year and the world would know, even if through a cleaner version, all the things they did.
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When Kingsley arrived they went to the living room and Harry had the strangest sense of deja vu from the last time the three of them were sharing that small sofa talking to a minister of magic. It felt so weird remembering a day so full of hope because of the marriage but also so full of insecurity because they had no idea what their year was going to look like. It felt wrong for him to be there when so many had lost their lives to the fight without any chance of returning.
- I called you all here today because, as you probably guessed, it's been long enough. I've tried to give you all time to process everything but I can't wait any longer - Kingsley said looking at them with a sympathetic look - I know it's hard for you to face everything again but I'll only ask you to do it once. After our talk we can discuss what the official story will be because I can guess yours won't be suited for the bigger public.
Silently, as if nothing had changed, the three of them exchanged looks, took a deep breath and started telling their tale. Harry and Ron helped but mostly Hermione was the one in charge of the story. After the war they hadn't really talked much but right after the meeting started they'd discussed what they'd tell and what they wouldn't. Hermione told Kingsley about the Horcruxes and how Dumbledore gave Harry this task before he died; about how they decided to leave in search of them and the difficulties of doing so in the shadows. She left out unnecessary parts such as Ron leaving them for weeks and Hermione being tortured. After she finished Harry felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He knew it was a hopeless dream but Harry wished that it was the last time he ever had to sit through a meeting like this.
When Kingsley left everyone had already had lunch so the three of them ate silently in the kitchen. Ron tried to start a conversation about the weather at the same time Hermione asked where Ginny was and they both blushed. Harry didn't know what had happened between them after the battle and he could see they were still too broken to build anything strong, but for the first time in weeks he felt something real as he hoped they'd figured things out. It was hard to feel happiness in the face of so much grief, still he hoped his friends would finally work through their problems because they deserved so much better than what life had given them. If only he could feel that much sympathy for himself.
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That night as Harry got ready for bed in the tiny bathroom he shared with the Weasleys he stayed what felt like hours staring at his reflection in the mirror. He had never felt so out of place in his own skin, as if the face he was seeing was someone else's. As he thought about the last few weeks he feared he would never escape his demons, all those things he did and all those people we lost. He wondered who he had become and if that person would ever find a way to stop living every day as if it was a track playing in repeat.
Harry stepped out of the bathroom and into Ron's room to find him already asleep, or at least pretending too. He laid there for a few minutes before his friend's tentative voice surprised him.
- Harry, are you there?
He hesitated for a second before answering. He could pretend to be asleep because he didn't know if he was actually there. But after a moment Harry gave in, he'd shut out way too many important people in his life for way too long.
- I'm here, Ron
- Do you think it will pass? - his best friend asked hesitantly after a couple more beats of silence.
Harry took his question in. Ron hadn't been specific about it but Harry knew exactly what he meant. Would it ever pass the feeling of guilt for surviving? Would the sensation of being lost and alone in the middle of one's family ever go away? Would they ever be even a shadow of what the people they once were?
- I don't know - he answered honestly.
- Me either - Ron said, and after a moment asked - Have you talked to Ginny yet?
- Not really - Harry answered embarrassed for sounding like a coward - I don't think she would like that after everything… and I have no idea what to even say.
- Honestly, Harry, sometimes you're a bigger dumbass than me. Of course she wants to be there for her. She's a smart girl, she knows you had your reasons for leaving last year but I also think it is about time you give her a good explanation to why you did.
Ron's argument caught Harry by surprise because of how wise he sounded. It was weird to think that along the way his friend had grown into this brave and sensitive man, not running for uncomfortable conversations that involved feelings.
- Have you talked to Hermione, Mr. I've Got My Love Life All Figured Out? - Harry asked in a sarcastic tone that made him remember a couple weird conversations the pair had had about the same girls years ago.
- As a matter of fact I did - Ron said, sounding very proud of himself - We… well, we kissed in the middle of the battle and it may sound like something people do because they are about to die but I didn't think that was the case. So, after all the funerals had passed and everything, I came down to the kitchen one night and she was having tea and invited me to join her. We've been having tea together every night since. I'm not saying everything is figured all between us, far from it, but at least we're being honest.
- Definitely six years too late but congratulations - Harry said as he laughed and Ron followed, something that caught both of them by surprise as the sound of laughter was the rarest among them for a long time. One more moment of silence passed with both of them staring at the ceiling until Harry spoke up again - Honesty, I know everything still sucks but I'm happy you two are figuring things out in the midst of all the chaos.
- Thanks, mate - Ron said and his voice cracked a bit before he cleaned his throat and started again - It's so weird that I can feel so fucking depressed because of Tonks and Remus… and Fred, but then I look at her and everything seems, if not easier, more hopefull. She makes me feel like the grief is gonna pass eventually and we're all gonna find some happiness.
Hearing him say those things caught Harry by surprise because it made him feel something other than emptiness for the first time in so long and it was funny that it happened in a conversation with Ron. Harry was always quiet about what he was going through and his friend knew that, he also was aware that Harry was suffering and that his shut down was not intentional. He felt a sudden wave of love towards Ron for understanding him and giving him his space, but also knowing when and how to push him even if he was also facing so much pain.
- You know, I said me and Hermione have been having tea every night but it's not like romantically… well not all the time - Ron started after a couple minutes with a tone that assured Harry he was blushing - You could, you know, join us. She would really like that, she's worried sick about you… well, we both are. And, as we're on the topic, so is Ginny, You've got to get your shit together, man. We miss you and we already lost way to many people, we can't lose you too, Harry.
He was absolutly fucking right. Harry was well aware of that but it was easier said than done. As he fell asleep, the boy who lived wondered if he was ever going to get over the grief and the guilt and find a version of himself that was worthy of Ginny Weasley.