Note: Hi! I'm sorry I haven't done a note before, I'm new to so I didn't know how to do it haha. This story represents a lot of firsts to me: first multi-chapter, first hinny and first story written in english. I had the idea from the song "Renegade" by Big Red Machine and Taylor Swift, but every chapter iso also loosely based on a song from the official playlist (you can listen to it here: playlist/1Ns6WvuiHOmWSMTMm1LF0O?si=7f63b5ce361a4a2f ). I'm gonna try to post one chapter per week, but no promises. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story so far on the comments. You can also follow me on tumblr:
"Isn't it strange?
I am still me
You are still you
In the same place
Isn't it strange?
How people can change
From strangers to friends
Friends into lovers
And strangers again"
(Strangers by Celeste)
"Bloody heel, Harry. You are being offered the most important award in the wizarding world, received the job offer of your dreams and are being given the chance to finish your studies in the school you abandoned without a word of explanation. And somehow you managed to make it sound like it's a bad thing?"
Half an hour had passed and the three friends were still sitting at the kitchen table, tea cups already drained, while Ron looked at Harry as if he was the most infuriating person in the world. He had missed that. Hermione remained quiet which was very out of character, watching as Harry struggled to find a good answer to Ron's question.
"You make it sound like you haven't been given the same three opportunities" Harry eventually said trying to sound way more combative than he actually felt.
"You won't see me complaining about it" Ron retorted.
"To be honest you just told us a minute ago that having this many good possibilities was driving you crazy" Hermione finally intervened sounding very dignified.
"What side are you on?" Ron growled.
"Thank you!" Harry almost screamed at the same time.
A beat of silence passed, the three of them exchanging glances filled with memories of late nights at Gryffindor common room, filled with laughter and open heart conversations such as this one. The first one to break was Ron and the last Harry, but suddenly they were all joined in a burst of feelings, laughing so hard tears started streaming out of Hermione's eyes and Ron went so red Harry worried his head was going to explode. If looked from the outside the scene might seem a little out of place, speccialy considering they hadn't really talked like that in so long, but friendship such as theirs had a way of bringing joy even after having faced the worst trials.
When the laughter finally died down Ron apologised for being insensitive, rolling his eyes but sounding genuine. Harry brushed it off and hesitated for a moment. He wanted so badly to tell them how he felt, the pressure those three letters brought, the guilt, the grief, all of it. But he had no idea where to start or how to begin so he just sat there, in his prison of silence, in the presence of the two people he trusted most in the world.
When the following morning came Harry woke up feeling better than he had felt in months. The day before had been a good one and now, with the training he promised to help Ginny with, he had a purpose and a reason to see her again. He knew it was cowardly of him but he didn't have the mental strength to seek her out, or even his friends for that matter, so it was good to have a promise to follow that would make him do it. Before he could even rise from his bed he heard a little noise coming from the window, like little rocks hitting the glass, until he realised that was precisely what was happening. He threw one look at his passed out best friend and knew he wouldn't wake up with the sound. Dtill he opened the window and gave Ginny, he knew it was her even before seeing the fiery red hair, a glare.
"Are you trying to be secretive or wake up the entire house?"
"Sorry" she said and shrugged, not sounding the slightest bit sorry.
He dressed fast, afraid she was going to start shouting next, and descended the stairs wickly, almost falling and bringing Mr Weasley down with him.
"Oh Harry, just the person I was looking for!" the older man exclaimed "this letter just came in, it's addressed to you. Don't mind my hurry, I've got some important business to attend today as you can see. Well, have a good day!"
He vanished as fast as he appeared, leaving Harry standing in the middle of the staircase staring at the carefully written name on the envelope: Andromeda Tonks. Before he could even process the implications of what this new piece of paper was bringing to his life he heard Ginny cough not so discreetly, her head poking at the end of the spiral staircase. Seeing no other choice he went down the last steps and came face to face with her, letter in hand and not a clue on how to greet her. Putting him out of his misery and probably not worrying at all about that, she turned her back to him and started walking out of the house.
"Are you coming or not?" she said, not bothering to give him good morning and already ten steps ahead of him.
Harry followed her to the shack where the brooms were kept and helped her get the material they needed. They walked in silence to the same spot they used the day before and she started performing the counselling spells she usually put up before practicing while he set the equipment up.
"What's in the letter?" she said abruptly it caught him so by surprise that he didn't answer right away "I know you don't wanna talk to me about anything, but well, that's too bad because you're stuck with me for the day"
"Hmm… I actually haven't read it yet" he replied simply, feeling guilty for forgetting for a moment what that letter probably contained.
"Are you gonna open it?" she asked, sounding so hopeful with the prospect of hearing anything from him that he couldn't say no.
He read the small note quickly, already imagining it's content, gave a sigh then passed her the paper. For a moment she hesitated, looking at him in marvel as if sharing that with her was a miracle, and it broke his heart a little bit more. He turned as she read it, running his hand through his hair and making it more of a mess than usual. He knew this invitation was coming but he was not ready to face his godson and he couldn't imagine ever being.
"This is good, Harry." Ginny said, somewhere behind him, and waited for an answer that never came. "Right?"
Minutes passed and Harry said nothing, fighting a battle with himself inside his mind. It tore him apart hearing her disappointment as she gave up and mounted her broom, flying into the sky and leaving him stuck in the ground. In a way that's how he felt every time he was around her, left behind in a pit of misery he built for himself as she fought for her life to get out of the one other people had built her. He felt as lonely as he ever had and he hated himself even more for knowing it was his own fault because he was not doing anything to fix it. Ginny was one word away, he just had to reach for her, but he felt like there were miles separating them. Harry spent so much time in the past year longing to see her smile one more time, to hear her voice or smell her hair, and now that he finally could he didn't know how to. She deserved so much better than this broken version of the boy she once loved but he didn't have anything better to offer.
So he got on his broom and flew, begging for the wind to blow away all his sorrow, but the only thing he felt was a soft breeze caressing his face. It smelled like her.
It was already dark outside when they finally finished their training for the day, only having stopped to grab lunch and left a very curious Hermione in the kitchen as she saw both of them together again. Harry wished they were doing something worthy of raising eyebrows but they had badly said anything to each other during the hours they spent practicing. Quidditch was again acting as their language as every ball Ginny threw his way was a little bit stronger than necessary and where hitting him way more frequently then it was supposed to considering how good she was at scoring and how bad he was at defending. He knew she was angry and he only wished she would scream at him because he deserved it. Harry was well aware of how mad she must have been when he left her behind without a world of explanation but the worst part was that he returned, against all odds, and still wasn't telling her anything. And he knew she deserved better than this silence.
She walked the whole way back ten steps ahead of him, just like that morning, but not in that same playful manner, and when she reached the top of the stairs, Ginny didn't even turn to say goodnight. He stepped inside the kitchen to grab something to eat, feeling way more defeated than the night before.
"Hey, Harry" Hermione greeted him from her place on the table "where have you been all day? We really do need to discuss the proposals the three of us got"
"Not now, Hermione, please" he said, dropping in the chair by her side feeling as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders "Where is Ron, anyway? You should pressure him instead"
"I already did that, now it's your turn" she answered matter-of-factly "beside, he's busy today getting the shop ready for reopening next week. He's really proud of it, I wish I had something exciting to look forward too as well"
Surprised by her honesty, Harry immediately felt a wave of guilt for being so self absorbed that he didn't even think about how her best friend was feeling with the bad results she was getting from the search for her parents.
"Have you found anything yet?" he asked looking her in the eye for the first time since walking into the room and saw that they were red from crying "I'm sorry I haven't been, well, here"
"I know you Harry, I'm used to you responding to trauma by shutting down and coming off as selfish. I also know, even if you don't say anything to anyone, you're doing this because of some hero syndrome that makes you think everything bad that went down is your fault and everything good was just luck" she replied "But I'm not gonna pressure you, eventually you'll come around and we'll be here."
"I'm not sure everyone will be so understanding" Harry said, sounding as defeated as he felt and looking at the stairs Ginny had just disappeared into.
"I can't answer for her, she hasn't really been the most open either, honestly we've all been behaving like that" Hermione said "but I have a feeling she loves you way more than you think she does and love goes a long way. That being said, you need to talk to her, Harry, Ginny may be willing to wait but don't you think she waited enough for some honest answers?"
"You're sounding a lot like Ron"
"Well, he is way wiser than we give him credit for"
Every world she said hit Harry hard because she was right, as was Ron, about Ginny and his hurtful silence. They were all broken in a way and, as usual, he kept forgetting that he wasn't alone in his grief because old habits die hard.
"But, truly, did you find anything about your parents?" he asked after a moment of shared silence as she got up and started preparing them tea.
"Actually I just got some news, the australian Ministry of Magic finally found them living in a very small town by the beach"
"Then why are you upset? Isn't this what you've been looking for?" he asked, trying not to sound too insensitive.
"It is, but… I feel really guilty about what I did and now that I know they're safe and happy I just..." she gave a big sigh, looking way older than 18 "I'm not quite sure I should change it"
"I'll support you, whatever you choose to do" Harry said "but as someone who doesn't have their parents around, I say go get them. Your parents may be happy there but they will be way happier if they remember the amazing daughter they have."
He stretched his hand and held Hermione's as silent tears flowed down her face and both friends stood there, in that small kitchen, broken but still by each other's side.
It was already late at night when Harry went upstairs and he was torn between knocking on Ginny's door or leaving the talking for the next day. She was probably asleep but he decided to do it anyway because he knew that his courage was shinkring by the second.
"Ginny, are you awake?" he loudly whispered knocking on the door.
It felt like minutes passed, anxiety increasing as Harry almost turned his back and pretended it never happened, until he finally heard the door creak. Ginny was standing there, hair messy and wearing her pajamas, looking at him with tired eyes. She stepped aside, the only acknowledgment he got before they were both inside her room and she closed the door. He stood awkwardly in the middle of her room, so uncomfortable he felt like running out the door, especially since she wasn't saying a thing.
"I wanted to…" he started saying after the silence became unbearable "I wanted to apologize"
"Apologize for what, exactly?" she said, sounding exasperated.
"Well, for earlier today. I know it doesn't make sense for me to shut down over something so silly I just…" he trailed off, finally deciding to sit down in her bed as far away from her as he could.
"It's not silly" she replied, surprising him "Andromeda asked you to visit Teddy for the first time and that responsibility must feel overwhelming. The thing I don't get is why you let me read the letter but refused to talk to me about it. I can take the silence but I can't take these misleading signs you're giving. One day you're smiling and holding my hand, making me feel like the Harry I know is back, and the other you're shutting me out. I can't keep acting like we're strangers, Harry, not after all we went through"
Harry took a moment, letting her words sink in as he sighed in frustration, refusing to meet her eyes. He hated that every word she uttered was full of truth and that he was hurting her so much. They had been strangers for so long, even if they saw each other constantly, and he was so angry at himself for putting them back into that position. He wanted to be her friend again, he even wanted to be more than that, but he couldn't find the strength to fight for her. Half the time he felt apathetic and the other half he felt the guilt weigh him down so much he could barely stand.
"I'm really sorry for all of that too" Harry finally broke the silence "It's been too hard, Ginny. I can't get out of bed most days, I wish we could go back to what we were but…"
"I don't know why you even came in here if you're just gonna keep pushing me away, saying cryptic shit and shying away from the hard conversations we should have had a long time ago" she said, being louder this time, her eyes shining with anger and hurt "I don't know if you noticed, but we're all broken too"
Her words hit him hard once again and for a moment he wanted to let go of it all and hold her, smell her hair and get lost in her lips. He wished to tell her that he was broken but if she was by his side he would be strong again. He longed to share with her all of the demons that haunted his dreams every night. But he didn't do any of this. Instead, he got up and started walking towards the door.
"I'm trying, Ginny. I'm not gonna ask you to wait for me, you did enough of that, but I promise I'm gonna do my best to get my shit together." he said before walking out, not looking back to see her reaction.
Harry was almost reaching Ron's room when he thought of the letter and of the visit he was going to have to face the next day. He was ashamed to dread seeing his godson, the one he only saw once at his parents funeral, because he knew he owed Tonks and Lupin's baby way more than that. But he also felt way too weak to take care of another human being, especially one that would every day remind him of two lives he couldn't save. Harry knew it was a long shot, especially after the conversation they just had, but he went back to Ginny's door and slipped a note under it.
"Will you come with me tomorrow?".
The note came back with a reply so fast it was as if she had been waiting for him to come back.
"Yes"