Heronpaw woke with a terrible headache. He groaned into his moss bedding and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will away the thumping pain. It only got worse.
"Heronpaw?" Petalpaw's soft voice drifted to him as if over a great distance. "Are you awake?"
Heronpaw forced his eyes open. Petalpaw's tabby pelt came into focus. He lifted his head.
"You look terrible!" Petalpaw said, rushing forward to touch her nose to Heronpaw's forehead.
"You don't have a fever…are you alright?" She pressed him.
Heronpaw shook his head. "Bad headache." He grunted.
Petalpaw's ears flattened. "Come on, I'll get you something for that."
Heronpaw could only nod.
Petalpaw let Heronpaw lean on her as he heaved himself to his paws. He stretched and moved his shoulder, trying to assess it. Petalpaw sniffed it and touched it with a paw, but she didn't look confident at all.
"I can't tell how it's healing." She admitted. "Plumleaf will know."
Together they left the apprentice's den, Heronpaw limping slightly. The bright sunlight stung his eyes and made his head throb. He grit his teeth and hobbled along.
Petalpaw hurried him to the medicine clearing. As they crossed the camp, Heronpaw noticed an increase in the normal morning activity of the clan. Whiteshade had a crowd of warriors around him, and as Heronpaw watched a patrol of six warriors split off and bounded away.
The two apprentices entered the medicine clearing. Heronpaw was surprised to see Brushfire curled up in one of the nests, her herb-plastered flank slowly rising and falling in the rhythm of sleep. His surprise grew as Blizzardstar emerged from Plumleaf's cavern; his neck wrapped with cobwebs. Heronpaw stopped dead, his pounding head forgotten for a moment.
"What happened last night?" he asked, bewildered. Petalpaw drew him off to the side of the clearing to wait for Plumleaf. The medicine cat had come out behind Blizzardstar and was giving his neck a final check.
"There was a fight." Petalpaw said quietly.
Heronpaw stared at her. "At the gathering?"
"No, after." Petalpaw launched into a story about what had happened at the gathering, how some stragglers had been attacked by a Willowclan patrol leading to Spottedfur's accidental death, and Blizzardstar's failed attempt at confronting Cougarstar.
Heronpaw was dumbfounded.
"What is Cougarstar thinking?!" he said loudly. Petalpaw shushed him, flicking her tail at Brushfire. Heronpaw clamped his jaws shut.
"Quit gossiping." Plumleaf said, padding over to Heronpaw. Blizzardstar was leaving, apparently cleared for duty. Heronpaw watched him go, still so startled by the news that he thought was going to fall over. Plumleaf did her examination and asked him questions. Heronpaw answered, only half paying attention.
Had all of that really happened while he was asleep? From one day to the next, his clan had gone from peaceful and prosperous to on the verge of war.
A thought occurred to him. The white cat. He had seen her on the day of his accident, and the nights leading up to the gathering. Was she an omen of the conflict with Willowclan?
"You're clear to take him for therapy." Plumleaf said, interrupting Heronpaw's thoughts.
"Come on then." Petalpaw said briskly. "Let's get something to eat and then go exercise."
Heronpaw followed her out of the medicine clearing and to the fresh-kill pile. His head was still spinning with the news. Petalpaw chose a squirrel and dragged it over so they could share. As they ate, Heronpaw watched the clan bustling about.
"I need a patrol to go to the Willowclan border after sunhigh." Whiteshade was saying.
"I'll lead one." Swiftwing volunteered. Whiteshade nodded.
"Take Hawkpaw, Slatefang, Cherrynose, and Kestrelfeather."
Heronpaw felt a stab of annoyance as his mentor's name was called for a patrol without him. He also noted how large the patrol was. The Willowclan border was being treated like a warzone.
Swiftwing leaned over to Hawkpaw and waved his tail at the fresh-kill pile. The apprentice nodded and bounded over. He grabbed a mouse and settled down across from Heronpaw and Petalpaw.
"Hey!" Hawkpaw greeted them. "Glad to see you're up and about. I can't believe you slept through all the excitement last night."
Heronpaw twitched his whiskers. Leave it to Hawkpaw to be completely tactless.
"Cats were injured, Hawkpaw. Spottedfur died. I'd hardly call that excitement." Petalpaw mewed coolly.
Hawkpaw had the decency to look ashamed for a heartbeat.
"Did Petalpaw tell you what happened?" he asked, taking a mouthful of his mouse.
"Yeah." Heronpaw said.
"It was crazy." Hawkpaw said through his mouthful. "Cougarstar has bees in her brain if she thinks Cedarclan is taking this lying down."
Heronpaw grunted. Hawkpaw was treating this like it was exciting or cool. Heronpaw felt sick about the whole thing.
Hawkpaw gulped down the rest of his meal in silence, thankfully. He swiped his tongue around his jaws and jumped up.
"I'm off to get ready for patrol." He said importantly. "Blizzardstar has doubled the guard at the border. Maybe I'll get to shred some Willowclan fur!" He turned and bounded over to Swiftwing and the others. Kestrelfeather greeted him with a friendly flick of his tail. Heronpaw sighed.
"Only a day or two more and you'll be back with them." Petalpaw said.
Heronpaw really hoped she was right.
. . .
That day and the next went by without fuss. Heronpaw did his exercises with Petalpaw and was even allowed to hunt. His shoulder was no longer stiff in the morning, and even running didn't hurt. There was no more trouble at the Willowclan border, much to the disappointment of Hawkpaw.
On the third sunrise after the gathering, Heronpaw woke at dawn to frost on his fur and the news that he could go back to training full time.
"Thank Starclan!" He said after Petalpaw had shared the news.
"What? Getting sick of me?" Petalpaw mewed, her whiskers twitching.
"I was sick of you on day one!" Heronpaw purred.
"Well fine!" Petalpaw said in mock distress. She whirled around and loped dramatically away from the apprentice's den. "Don't be a stranger!" she called over her shoulder.
Heronpaw purred as he watched her go. The past few days had been frustrating, yes, but with Petalpaw for company they had been more than bearable. Best of all, the white cat hadn't visited him and he hadn't had any more nightmares.
Heronpaw gave himself a quick grooming before padding over to the gathering crowd of warriors ready for their assignments. He found Kestrelfeather and sat down next to his mentor. Excitement made his paws itch. Finally, back to duties!
"Welcome back." Kestrelfeather purred, his green eyes glowing. Heronpaw straightened up and puffed his chest out. He was ready to prove that he hadn't fallen behind his littermates.
"You've been missed." Another voice came from behind. Heronpaw turned and saw Dawnheart and Slatefang joining the group. It was Dawnheart who had spoken. The two warriors settled down next to Heronpaw.
"I was so sorry to hear about Spottedfur." Heronpaw said, dipping his head to his friends. This was the first time since the incident that Heronpaw had the chance to speak to them. Slatefang nodded back, but avoided eye contact. Dawnheart sighed.
"Thank you." He said. Grief was still evident in his voice. Heronpaw's heart twisted for his friends. He couldn't imagine losing somecat close to him.
"Whiteshade is here." Kestrelfeather said, nudging Heronpaw. Heronpaw looked up to see the clan deputy was exiting Blizzardstar's den. Whiteshade jumped up onto an old stump. The crowd of warriors fell quiet. Whiteshade began to give out assignments for border and hunting patrols. As cats were called, they moved away into groups to leave or to rest before they set out.
"Kestrelfeather, you and Swiftwing can take Heronpaw and Hawkpaw out for training." Whiteshade said.
"We aren't needed somewhere else?" Kestrelfeather called back. Whiteshade shook his head.
"The Willowclan border has been quiet." He said. "But if trouble is coming, we need to keep on our toes."
Kestrelfeather seemed satisfied and turned to Heronpaw.
"How about some battle training with Hawkpaw?" he asked. Heronpaw's tail shot up in delight.
"That sounds great!"
Kestrelfeather waved his tail to Swiftwing and Hawkpaw. Hawkpaw bounded over while Swiftwing followed looking bemused.
"Finally, I get to show you what you've missed!" Hawkpaw said as he reached them. He circled Heronpaw, his tail thrashing. Heronpaw rolled his eyes.
"I know for a fact you haven't learned anything new. You've been doing nothing but hunting and patrolling."
"I've learned more than you think!" Hawkpaw hissed playfully. "Race you to the training grounds!"
"You're on!" Heronpaw said. Without waiting, he took off through the fern tunnel and burst out into the forest. He could hear Hawkpaw thundering after him. Heronpaw put on a burst of speed, letting his paws fly over the undergrowth. He expertly stepped over the curling ferns and twisting roots that threatened to trip him. Excitement flared in his chest. His shoulder didn't hurt! No throbs of pain, no ache of atrophy.
"On your left!" Hawkpaw called, leaping over a rock to take the lead. Heronpaw growled and streaked after his brother. The exercises he had done with Petalpaw had made his muscles stronger than they had been before. They flexed beneath his coat, propelling him forward through the dimly lit forest. In moments he had overtaken Hawkpaw, much to the tabby apprentice's surprise.
"You got fast!" Hawkpaw gasped.
"You got slow!" Heronpaw shot back. The pair burst through a frostbitten honeysuckle bush and skidded to a halt in the training clearing.
"I beat you!" Heronpaw howled. Hawkpaw's tail thrashed, but a purr swelled in his throat.
"Live it up. You won't get that lucky again."
Rusting in the bushes announced Kestrelfeather and Swiftwing. The warriors' eyes were bright with the exercise and thrill of speeding through the trees.
"Alright you two," Kestrelfeather stepped forward. "Let's see an attack crouch."
Heronpaw and Hawkpaw instantly fell into offensive crouches.
"Defensive crouch!" Kestrelfeather barked. The apprentices changed their stances in a fluid motion. Heronpaw was happy to find that his muscle memory hadn't faded over the last quarter moon.
"Mouse crouch! Rabbit crouch! Bird crouch!" Kestrelfeather continued without mercy. Swiftwing circled Heronpaw and Hawkpaw, making notes and nudging tails and haunches back into line with his muzzle.
After Kestrelfeather had drilled them on what felt like every crouch they had ever learned, they began sparring in earnest.
"Pretend Heronpaw is a Willowclan warrior." Swiftwing instructed Hawkpaw. "Heronpaw, crouch lower. Willowclan cats stay low and use their speed to overwhelm their opponents."
Heronpaw crouched low, remembering the lithe bodies of the Willowclan warriors he had met. He straightened his tail and balanced his weight on his toes, ready to move at the twitch of a whisker. Hawkpaw crouched too, but his weight was focused on his back paws. Seeing the opening, Heronpaw flashed forwards and rammed his shoulder into Hawkpaw's back leg. Hawkpaw wobbled, unbalanced. With a flash of triumph, Heronpaw darted back in, ready to knock his opponent to the ground. Instead, Hawkpaw pivoted on one back foot, letting Heronpaw dive past him. Heronpaw crashed into the soft dirt, surprised.
"Well done, Hawkpaw!" Swiftwing called. Hawkpaw looked to his mentor to bask in the praise, leaving himself wide open. Heronpaw took the opportunity to roll over behind Hawkpaw and leap onto his broad shoulders. Hawkpaw squawked as Heronpaw's weight flattened him to the ground.
"Keep focused!" Swiftwing growled, exasperated. "Just because you think you've won doesn't mean you have."
Heronpaw stepped off his brother, letting Hawkpaw up out of the dirt. Hawkpaw sputtered, trying to get the soil out of his mouth.
"Good job taking advantage of the distraction, Heronpaw." Kestrelfeather said. Heronpaw stood taller under his mentor's praise.
"Here, let me show you something." Kestrelfeather said to Hawkpaw. He stepped forward and reared up, balancing on one back leg. Before he could demonstrate, he was interrupted by Falconstorm shoving his way into the clearing.
Kestrelfeather dropped to his paws in surprise. Heronpaw shied away from his father's gaze, but Falconstorm only had eyes for Swiftwing.
"Swiftwing, Honeyleaf sent me to find you." Falconstorm said. Swiftwing's ears flattened.
"What? Is something wrong?" he said, his tail twitching. Falconstorm shook his head.
"She didn't say, just that she needed you," he said. Swiftwing looked at Kestrelfeather.
"Go." Kestrelfeather flicked his tail. "Falconstorm and I will finish up here."
Swiftwing nodded gratefully and sped away through the undergrowth. Heronpaw shifted his weight from paw to paw nervously.
"I'm sure everything is fine." Kestrelfeather muttered into Heronpaw's ear. Heronpaw nodded.
"I want to see that move, Kestrelfeather." Hawkpaw said, flexing his claws. His twitching tail betrayed his annoyance at being caught off guard before. Kestrelfeather nodded and began to demonstrate again.
He reared up into the unbalanced pose that Hawkpaw had been stuck in before. Instead of trying to rebalance himself, Kestrelfeather let himself fall backwards onto the ground with a loud thump. Heronpaw flinched as he imagined being crushed beneath Kestrelfeather's dead weight. Kestrelfeather got up, brushing the dirt off of his pelt.
"See, if there was an enemy on my back, they would have been flattened." he said to Hawkpaw. Hawkpaw nodded vigorously.
"Your instincts tell you to fall forward onto your paws." Falconstorm said, padding forward. "If you fall back, you can knock the air out of your opponent and daze them." His gray eyes swept over to Heronpaw.
"Try it." Falconstorm commanded. Heronpaw hesitated, looking to Kestrelfeather. His mentor nodded.
Heronpaw padded to the center of the clearing.
"Wanna get squashed first?" Hawkpaw asked, his grey eyes sparkling. Heronpaw rolled his eyes.
"Sure."
Heronpaw got into position behind Hawkpaw. Hawkpaw reared up and Heronpaw leapt. He dug his claws into Hawkpaw's shoulders, careful not to pierce skin. Hawkpaw lurched backwards and fell. The pair crashed into the ground. Heronpaw felt the air being forced from his lungs as Hawkpaw's heavier frame slammed into his chest. Heronpaw coughed.
Hawkpaw rolled off his brother, his tail held high in triumph.
"Wow! That works really well!" he said.
"My turn." Heronpaw gasped, still trying to regain his breath. Hawkpaw took his place behind Heronpaw who reared up like he had seen Kestrelfeather do. When he felt Hawkpaw's weight dig into his shoulders, his first instinct was to fall to his paws to regain his balance. Instead, he jerked his head backwards, trying to fall on top of his attacker. What he didn't expect was Hawkpaw's head to be in the way.
Skull met muzzle with a crack and Hawkpaw cried out as they hit the soil. Heronpaw rolled off and scrambled to his paws. The back of his head hurt.
Hawkpaw was still on his back, his muzzle bloodied.
"What did you do?!" Falconstorm shouldered Heronpaw aside with a fierce growl. Heronpaw stumbled, shocked by the sight of the blood spouting from Hawkpaw's nose.
"Ids just a bloody node." Hawkpaw spluttered through the gore. "Imb fine."
Falconstorm nudged Hawkpaw to his paws. Scarlet blood splattered to the ground. Heronpaw dashed forwards feeling sick.
"I'm sorry!" he gasped. "I jerked too hard!" Before Heronpaw could reach his brother, Falconstorm whirled around and blocked his way.
"Stay back!" he snarled. "You've done enough damage."
Heronpaw faltered, fearful of the sudden ferocity in Falconstorm's voice. Kestrelfeather hurried to Hawkpaw's side, examining his nose.
"I'm sure it's just a bloody nose." he assured Falconstorm, but the larger warrior was still agitated.
"I'm taking you to Plumleaf." he said, herding Hawkpaw in the direction of camp.
"Imb fine Falcondorb, really!" Hawkpaw tried to protest but within heartbeats Falconstorm had pushed him through the undergrowth and out of sight.
Heronpaw stood motionless in the clearing surrounded by his brother's blood. His ears felt cold.
"It was a mistake." Kestrelfeather said, padding over and touching his nose to Heronpaw's ear. "Hawkpaw will be just-"
"Why does he hate me?" Heronpaw burst out. He couldn't hold it in any longer. Not after that display.
Kestrelfeather looked startled.
"Who, Falconstorm?" he said, looking down at his apprentice.
Heronpaw cast his gaze down at his paws. He flexed his claws in and out of the dark dirt.
"Yes." he mumbled miserably. "It's like he can't even stand to look at me."
"Falconstorm does not hate you." Kestrelfeather mewed firmly. Heronpaw looked up into his uncle's green eyes. He could tell that Kestrelfeather believed what he said, but Heronpaw could only remember the anger in his father's eyes.
Kestrelfeather sighed. "Walk with me." he said, moving across the clearing opposite the side that Falconstorm and Hawkpaw had left from. Heronpaw reluctantly followed.
They walked for a bit in silence. Heronpaw felt worse and worse with each paw step. Did Kestrelfeather really have nothing to say to ease his fears?
"Did you know we have another brother?" Kestrelfeather finally said.
Heronpaw jerked his head up and stared at his uncle.
"What?!"
Kestrelfeather was staring straight ahead.
"His name was Cranewing," he continued. "You look just like him."
Heronpaw didn't respond. He just stared, waiting for an explanation for this ridiculous pronouncement.
"We grew up just like you and your brothers." Kestrelfeather's voice echoed with memories and an underlying pain. "Always bickering, driving each other crazy." He purred, obviously remembering a simpler time.
"Falconstorm and Cranewing never got along well. I was the only reason they could stand each other."
Heronpaw heard the distant rushing of the river. They were headed to the rough waters inside Cedarclan territory.
"There was this she-cat." Kestrelfeather continued. "Songbird. She was the only thing that Falconstorm and Cranewing agreed on. Unfortunately, Songbird could only choose one of them."
For some reason, Heronpaw immediately thought of Petalpaw, her tabby coat shining in the soft light of the medicine clearing.
"She ended up choosing Falconstorm-"
"Wait, but Ferntail is Falconstorm's mate!" Heronpaw interrupted. Kestrelfeather stopped at the edge of a small hill that led down to the churning river. He looked out over the water with an unreadable expression in his green eyes.
"Falconstorm has loved more than once in his life." He said slowly.
Heronpaw fell silent once more.
"Songbird didn't want to hurt anycat, so she wanted to reject Cranewing as kindly as possible. When she told him she loved Falconstorm, Cranewing was angry and heartbroken." Kestrelfeather looked down at his paws. His eyes smoldered.
"Cranewing always had a temper." Kestrelfeather's voice was so low that it was almost carried away in the sound of the rushing river.
"He was angry with Songbird." he said slightly louder. "He blamed her and Falconstorm for ruining his life. He scared Songbird with his anger. She ran away from him and he gave chase."
Heronpaw's heartbeat was pounding in his ears.
"I don't know exactly what happened." Kestrelfeather said. "But neither of them ever came back. Songbird's body washed up on the AlderClan side of the lake a sunrise later."
"And Cranewing?" Heronpaw dared to ask. Kestrelfeather shook his head.
"Falconstorm was the last cat to see him. He was looking for Songbird on the river's edge when he found Cranewing, staring into the rapids. He said that they had argued and Songbird fell in. He blamed himself and told Falconstorm he could never come home." Kestrelfeather tore his gaze away from the river and looked Heronpaw right in the eyes.
"Falconstorm let him go, and we haven't seen him since."
Kestrelfeather fell silent. For several heartbeats, the only sound was the river.
"So, Falconstorm judges me because I look like your brother." Heronpaw finally managed to say.
Kestrelfeather didn't look at him.
"I'm not trying to remove blame from Falconstorm." he said. "He should love you unconditionally." Kestrelfeather finally turned to look Heronpaw in the eyes.
"But when he sees you, he can only remember the day he lost a mate and a brother."
A shard of ice pierced Heronpaw's heart.
"Is that what you see too?" he asked quietly. Kestrelfeather's eyes widened.
"No! No, Heronpaw, never." he said firmly.
"So why does he?" Heronpaw spat. "I'm not Cranewing."
"I know." Kestrelfeather murmured. He licked Heronpaw's ear. Heronpaw flinched away involuntarily. Kestrelfeather paused and backed away.
"Is it because I'm not Songbird's son too?" Heronpaw felt anger rising in his chest. "Is it because Ferntail was his second choice?"
Kestrelfeather stepped in front of Heronpaw, forcing his apprentice to look at him.
"Falconstorm loves your mother." Kestrelfeather hissed. "She respects herself too much to be second best."
The shard of ice pushed itself deeper into Heronpaw's heart, driving away his momentary anger for his mother's sake.
"So, it's just me." He said, his ears and tail drooping. "There's no reason other than that I was born."
Kestrelfeather didn't answer. Heronpaw took the opportunity and spun around, dashing back into the forest. He ignored Kestrelfeather's yelp of "Hey!" and ran as fast as he could away from his uncle.
Heronpaw hardly registered where he was going, he just wanted to get away from Kestrelfeather's pity and the memory of Falconstorm's anger. He ran until his muscles ached, and only slowed when he remembered Petalpaw's warning to not exert himself. He came to a halt at the edge of a small pool of water left behind by the night's rain. He sat with a sigh, and stared into his reflection.
He studied his eyes, a piercing yellow just like those of the great blue herons that nested by the lake. His fur, a smoky gray and black mess, was fluffed up against the chill wind. Why did he have to look like this? Why couldn't he have his mother's kind blue eyes, or even his father's angry gray ones? Where had this gray come from? He could've been born like Crowpaw, pure black and loved.
Why did he wear this face?
If Falconstorm had thought him weak or stupid at least then Heronpaw could've worked to prove him wrong. Instead, there was nothing Heronpaw could hope to do to erase the memories associated with his appearance.
Anger overcame him and he slammed his black and gray paws into his reflection, breaking apart his watery self over and over. As the scattered pieces swirled around his paws, Heronpaw's heart grew heavy and he stilled himself. No matter how many times he destroyed this vision of himself, it would always reform the same. Traitorous.
Except this time, it didn't.
Instead of his face, a new one formed from the broken reflection. A white cat stared back up at him with his own eyes.