And it feels like yesterday was a year ago

But I don't wanna let anybody know

'Cause everybody wants something from me now

And I don't wanna let 'em down

(Everything I Wanted by Billie Eilish)

Harry was back at the tent. He was in his bed and it was so dark he couldn't even see Ron and Hermione's silhouettes. He felt disoriented until he heard screams. Her screams. That was when he started running. Outside the air was cold, the snow in his feet, and nobody in sight. But he still heard her screaming his name, begging for him to come back to her. But Harry couldn't find her, there was no way back because he kept hitting invisible walls that caged him like an animal. He saw her at the other side, hair still long and eyes filled with fear and hope that he would save her. But he couldn't get to her, he couldn't save her, all he could do was scream.

"GINNY"

Harry woke up screaming in his bed. The first thing he became aware of was the light in Ron's wand as his friend frantically searched the room for what made Harry scream, still running on the same code they used when they were on the run.

"It was a nightmare" Harry said, voice hoarse, getting up and patting his friend in the back trying to soothe him "There's no one here, we're safe"

"Blimey, Harry. You almost killed me" Ron said as Harry pushed him to sit down in the bed, both breathing hard "What the hell happened?"

"I already said it. I had a nightmare, guessed you would be used to them by now."

"Yeah, well, fighting a war has a way of making people scared of their own shadow"

Harry sighed, still shaken from what he had just seen that had looked so real. His nightmares used to be mostly about Voldemort and now those seemed way less scary than the thought of not being able to save his loved ones.

"Let's go back to sleep" Harry said walking to his own bed and turning of the lights "I'm sorry I woke you like that"

"It's fine, Harry." Ron replied quietly "I get them too, you know. Hermione does as well. We're all fucked up now."

"What do you see?" Harry asked after taking a moment he used to acquaint himself with the fact that now everyone was as broke as he used to be.

"Those nights after I left you behind. Hermione getting tortured. Hagrid carrying your body and…" Ron said sounding so much older than his age Harry felt his heart break again for the innocence they lost "George"

They shared silence for a moment, Harry wishing he knew how to make it all go away, to get his funny and brave friend back. He missed who they used to be so much that he felt like he was going to burst with longing. The worst part was that most of the time he felt like that pain would never go away, that he would always be reliving in his mind the moments where everything changed.

"It's not your fault, you know?" Ron said "George, Tonks. Lupin. They were all adults and knew the risk of what they were doing, but they did it anyway because they believed in a better world. I know I can't make you believe this but nobody here blames you for their deaths. The only people to blame are Voldemort and his followers and I hope someday soon you accept that."

Ron fell silent again and Harry closed his eyes wishing his friend's words would mold into his mind. But they didn't. So when he dreamed, he dreamed of her.

Morning came and Harry didn't feel like getting up, especially if it meant he had to face the visit to Teddy. He wanted to turn on his side and go back to sleep but heard noises coming from the window just like he had the day before. Ginny was not letting him get away with it. Instead of doing what he wanted, Harry got dressed and went downstairs to find her sitting at the table eating breakfast.

"Morning" Harry said, sitting in front of her.

"You look good" she said ironically "Can't believe you killed the most dangerous wizard in history and is scared of a baby"

"Thanks" he replied not wanting to explain to her he felt even worse because he had barely slept.

They ate in silence and only when they were about to leave Harry realized he didn't have anything to give Teddy. He felt like going empty handed made it even more visible how unfit he was to be Teddy's godfather. For just a moment he hated Lupin and Tonks for giving him this enormous responsibility.

"Are you okay?" Ginny asked when they went outside, walking to the end of the property to apparate.

"I don't have a present" he said simply, as if she would somehow understand how deep that phrase went.

"Oh, I forgot. Here."

She said that and handed him a little box, inside it there was a framed picture of Harry with Tonks, Lupin and Sirius at an Order meeting before his fifth year. He didn't even remember taking that but he knew instantly there was no better gift he could give Teddy because those memories were exactly what he longed for as a kid. When he realized that a sudden calm came over him. He may not know babies but he knew how it was to be in Teddy's position and that made him feel capable.

"Thanks" he said simply, incapable of actually expressing how much gratitude he felt for that little box because of a large lump in his throat , but hoped, as he looked deeply into her eyes, that she knew what he meant.

Only when they knocked on the door and came face to face with Andromeda Tonks did Harry realize that Teddy may have lost both his parents, but this woman had lost her entire family. He felt guilt not for the first time for being so oblivious and cursed himself for taking so long to come to them. The look on her face told them the woman that once lived inside that body, serious and dignified, wasn't there anymore. Her husband and daughter, both so full of humor and light, were the balance to her quiet and severe nature from years spent in the Black household. Now that they were gone, the woman Harry had met only a few times seemed like she was not on the same planet as them.

After an awkward and gloomy exchange of hellos and how are yous that went unanswered, the pair walked inside a house that was once neatly organized but now seemed deserted. It wasn't exactly messy but it felt like the life that once inhabited the house was gone. Harry was starting to regret the choice of coming here to meet Teddy instead of inviting them to the Burrow where they wouldn't have privacy but at least they would be in a better atmosphere.

In his first and only meeting with the baby, Harry had barely caught a glimpse of him in the midst of all the chaos of his parents' funeral. That was the first of many Harry had attended that week and he barely remembered what had happened in the blur of sorrow that followed the week after the battle. The only thing he did remember was Teddy's hair shining in bright pink, the only point of color in the room, which seemed like such a misfortuned irony considering it was his mother's favorite color to wear. Now, when he walked into the living room of Andromeda's house and saw the little boy playing with a teddy bear inside his crib Harry's heart ached with a burst of love so unexpected he almost lost his balance.

Harry walked to the crib without even realising it and extended his hand towards the baby and, without a second of hesitation, Teddy reached for his thumb as if they had already known each other. Proud of his achievement, the little boy looked up and gave Harry a smile and in that moment he knew he would do everything to protect this child. Tonks and Lupin had actually given him the most valuable gift of all: something to fight for.

"You can pick him up" Andromed said breaking the silence and took Harry out of a trance he didn't even realise he was in "I'll go make some tea, if you don't mind keeping an eye on him"

"Of course" Ginny said as the older woman left the room and approached the crib, kneeling down in front of it "Hey, there, Teddy, it's nice to see you"

The way she said that, with a serious face and shaking the laying baby's other hand, made Harry's face break into a rare smile. Not even seeing this, Ginny got up and without any fear picked the baby in her arms giving him a kiss on the cheeks.

"Oh, Harry, he's so cute." she said, spinning around and making Teddy laugh "And the baby smell…I alreay love him so fucking much"

"Ginny, language!" Harry said, alarmed, looking into the halway Andromeda had just disappeared into.

"Relax, I bet they don't even acknowledged what we're saying at this age" she said looking at him unbothered "Here, you should grab him before I start monopolizing your godson"

Terrified by the prospect of holding a baby with no previous experience, Harry stepped back as Ginny tried to hand Teddy over to him. She stared as if daring him to try to escape and Harry looked at Teddy's as if he would somehow tell him it was fine. The surprising thing was that seeing the boy's calm eyes, just like his father's, finally got Harry to relax and, tentatively, take the baby in his arms. At first he was so scared he barely breathed but seeing that Teddy was not crying or looking scared he started to lose the tension. Ginny had somehow disappeared, leaving Harry alone with his godson for the first time as he got used to the feel of having a small being in his arms.

The little boy was completely unaware of how scary and rare that moment was to his godfather. Harry was still terrified of how much responsibility he had towards this kid, how much he owed his parents, but the sight of Teddy made it all seem easier. Everything and everyone around him was chaos, not even people he was once open to were the same, his relationships were shattered, especially the one he had with himself, but not Teddy. This new life somehow carried the hope of a new one for Harry as well. So Harry hugged the baby until it was hugging him back in a way only people so tiny could, until their breaths were synchronized and he felt like a person again. When Ginny got back to the room carrying a tray with tea and biscuits, Harry had his eyes closed, still holding the baby gently, as a single tear trailed down his face. One fell down hers as well.

When they got back to the Burrow only Ron was there, asleep in his room after spending the whole night deciding things for the reopening of the shop. It was weird to see that house so quiet and the depth of how much everything had changed weighted on the pair as they walked inside. The silence felt heavy of things unsaid and secrets untold between two people who once trusted each other so much.

In unspoken agreement they went to the kitchen to prepare lunch and when it was ready they sat down together to eat. The food was at least an excuse for both of them to keep quiet as Harry searched his mind for the right things to say. The morning he spent with Teddy had meant the world to him and he was sure he wouldn't have made it there without her support, but the thing that hadn't left his mind was the picture she framed. When Andromeda saw it, even her seemingly unbreakable posture fell as tears filled her eyes and she squeezed Harry's hand, thanking him for the gift of a new piece of her daughter. He knew what she meant by that because as a kid he never had any pictures of his parents and when he finally did each one felt like regaining a new piece of them.

"Ginny" he said after they had finished eating their meal "how did you know that was a good gift?"

"Well, I thought it would be nice to give Teddy something that would remind him of his parents considering he will not remember what they look like" she answered simply as if that level of awareness just came natural to her "I hope it was the right choice considering I didn't even ask you first if it was okay"

"It was perfect, I can't thank you enough" Harry replied looking straight into her eyes and putting his hands above hers on the table "You don't need to hesitate with me, Ginny"

"But I do, don't I?" she said, sounding harsher this time and pushing his hand away.

Harry, caught by surprise at her reaction, felt suddenly lost like a little boy who didn't know how to fix the mess he had created. But as a kid he had never been given the luxury of being saved by anyone so, instead, he decided it was about time he owed up his mistakes.

"You're right" he answered in the same honest tone she had used "I haven't really been the easiest to talk to lately. Hell, I've probably been the hardest. But I want to fix this, Ginny. I want it badly even thought I probably don't even deserve it after what I put you through"

"That's your problem, Harry. You're looking at this, whatever we have going on, as if it's a problem you can solve if you study it hard enough. But I'm not your next project, if you want to make this better you have to meet me halfway. I know you're hurting but so is everyone. I can't be there for you if you don't start opening up to me soon. I can't wait forever"

At first he wanted to run away, ashamed by how much he was still hurting her, but then he realized that would mean giving up on them forever. He wanted so badly to be a better man, to become the person everyone thought him capable of being, but when he looked at himself he didn't see the boy who lived or a war hero he only saw the broken parts. Those seconds would somehow define the course of their future relationship and it would be down to Harry to decide if he would give up on them and succumb to his fears or if he would stay and face the unpleasant truths that came with healing.

"Before Dumbledore died, he gave me a task. I had to find these objects called horcruxes that held pieces of Voldemort's soul. He had created seven of them, one being his diary and the other a ring Dumbledore destroyed. The thing is, we had no idea what most of the objects were before we started and even if we did we had nothing to destroy them with. We spent most of our time in the run completely lost and each day that passed was a testament to my failure. I know everyone had this idea where the three of us were going around the country facing death eaters and coming up with great schemes to fight Voldemort but mostly we were fighting for our sanity and our lives. There was no food, no advances in our quest and the horcrux we did find seemed to suck out all good things in our soul in order to put our biggest fears in the spotlight. It was absolute hell and everyday felt like one less in my lifespan. It was hell, Ginny. I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you and your family but I couldn't share this information with anyone, not even you."

Saying released a tension Harry didn't even know he was holding much but he knew he still owed her much more than that. He longed to tell her about the longing for her every night he spent at the tent and of his last thought before the killing curse hit him. He still didn't have it in him to go there yet so he looked into her eyes expectantly, hoping this was enough for now. When she finally looked back at him there was still repressed anger there, but there was also sorrow and what Harry hoped was love as she grabbed his hands in hers and interlaced their fingers.

"It's okay, Harry. We'll be okay and as long as I'm here, no one can hurt you"

Note: Harry finally said somenthing! It was so difficult to write this chapter because I had a terrible block but also because it's hard to put into words this conflict they're going through in an authentic manner. This is gonna be a really slow burn but we're already almost halfway through the story so I hope you can bear with me. If you liked this chapter please comment and if you didn't I'd also love to hear your thoughts. Can't wait to write what's to come! ps: I'm probably going to release a chapter every two weeks because college is killing me.