Chapter 5: JJ's Dark Secret
The following morning in Reid's apartment, Reid woke up to find JJ looking outside of his window while silently crying.
"Who did you lose, JJ?" asked Reid.
"What?" said JJ.
"I heard you crying most of the night," explained Reid. "I know that you've lost somebody recently. And don't tell me it was Emily, Alex, Will or your sister, Rosalyn. Just tell me, who did you lose?"
"I don't want to talk about it," said JJ.
"Please tell me, JJ," said Reid. "Holding this pain inside of you is killing you. Please tell me. It might make you feel better."
"No!" snapped JJ. "I don't want to feel better!"
"All right," said Reid. "Then I will break out the big guns."
"Big guns?" said JJ. "What does that mean?"
"If you don't tell me," explained Reid. "I'll tell you my dream about Garcia marrying me and Maeve."
"Oh, no!" cried JJ trying not to even smile. "Don't do that! You know that dream always makes me laugh!"
Reid smiled and started, "Garcia said, 'I now pronounce you smart and smarter!'..."
"Stop!" laughed JJ. "I'll tell you! I'll tell you! But please, stop!"
JJ calmed herself down and she sat down at Reid's chess board table.
JJ asked, "Do you remember when Strauss made me leave our family for a State Department promotion at the Pentagon?"
"Yes," answered Reid.
"The promotion was a cover-up for a backstop," said JJ. "I was sent to Afghanistan instead. Strauss introduced me to Mateo Cruz, Michael Hastings and Tivon Askari."
"Hastings and Askari," said Reid. "The two men who kidnapped and tortured you and Cruz two months ago."
"No!" snapped JJ. "No, they were more than just that! They were my partners in Afghanistan. But, I...I didn't know that they were also..."
"Double-agents," said Reid. "I know. Garcia had me speed-reading the Afghanistan files while we were looking for you. You were looking for Bin Laden. You were trying to gather information from a woman named Nadia. You tried to bring her daughter back to her. But when an extraction team found her daughter, Hastings and Askari secretly blew up the compound her daughter was being held in. Everybody was killed inside of the compound. And when you went to tell Nadia the bad news, you and Cruz found her raped and murdered.
JJ started crying hard.
"JJ, you can't blame yourself for that," said Reid. "That was Hastings and Askari's fault."
"The Humvee ambush," cried JJ. "Was that in the file?"
"Yes," answered Reid. "You were trying to find out who the mole was in your group. They set up an IED to blow up your convoy. Askari was retrieved by the enemy and Hastings was presumed dead. And, I know that you and Cruz were injured..."
"I was pregnant," cried JJ.
Reid stopped talking.
"Do you remember when in New York Will showed up trying to take me out of the field and I had to tell all of you that I was pregnant with Henry?" asked JJ.
Reid nodded his head.
"I was annoyed that he was so overprotective of me back then," said JJ. "I didn't really understand why he wanted me out of the field so badly. Not until after I lost my second baby in Afghanistan. Will lost his father in Hurricane Katrina. He just didn't want to lose any more family."
"I'm sorry," said Reid.
JJ tearfully continued, "During my weekends at home from Afghanistan, Will and I were trying to make Henry a big brother. When I woke up after the IED explosion, I saw Askari getting retrieved and I thought that Hastings had been killed. I opened fire on the enemy, saving Matt Cruz's life, but then I passed out again. I woke up later in the infirmary. Matt told me about Askari and Hastings...and then he told me that I had miscarried my baby."
"JJ, that's awful," said Reid.
Reid took JJ into his arms. JJ hugged Reid back tightly and she cried on his left shoulder.
Reid asked, "How did Will take it?"
"I never told him," answered JJ. "I never even told Penelope or Emily. Only Matt knew that I was even pregnant."
"How come you never told us this before?" asked Reid.
"I told Matt I was pregnant just before Hotch called me about Emily going after Doyle alone," answered JJ. "I chose to wait until after we saved Emily before I told anybody. But then, Hotch and I faked Emily's death to save her from Doyle, so I chose to wait a little longer to tell you. And after I flew Emily to Paris, I returned to Afghanistan...and then I lost the baby."
Reid put JJ's hands into his hands and he looked into her tearful blue eyes.
JJ continued, "Askari went underground and Matt and I thought Hastings was dead. Because Nadia was dead, Strauss declared the mission inactive. A week later, she sent me and Matt back to DC with strict orders not to tell anybody about the Afghanistan mission. And then, Rossi asked me to come back to our family to fill Emily's vacant profiler role. But after what had happened to me, I was too ashamed to tell anybody about my lost baby."
"So, you came back to us pretending that nothing bad had happened to you," said Reid.
JJ tearfully nodded her head.
"And Cruz?" asked Reid.
JJ answered, "I never saw Matt again until he recently came to Quantico to fill Strauss's vacant Section Chief role."
"You two were trying to find Askari in between our cases," said Reid. "That's why you were both abducted and tortured."
JJ continued, "During the torturing, I had given Askari my Integrity codes with a secret Blackbird code hoping that you guys would find us in time. Askari told Matt that I would lose more than my baby if he didn't give up his Integrity codes. But, I never told Askari I was pregnant. And Matt said that it wasn't his place to tell anybody about my baby. Hastings was the one who told me about Hotch needing me to help you guys find Emily. I realized that Hastings overheard me telling Matt that I was pregnant. Hastings told Askari and they both deliberately killed my baby! And, Hastings was the one who raped and killed Nadia. I called Hastings a coward to get him to come out of hiding to face me."
"And, that's why you were so mad these last two months," said Reid. "Before your abduction, you didn't know that they had secretly killed your baby. But, how do you know that Hastings was the one who raped Nadia?"
"Because when Askari's torturing us didn't make Matt give up his Integrity codes," answered JJ. "Hastings started undressing me to rape me if Matt didn't give up the codes."
"You mean Hastings...?" asked Reid.
JJ put her hands on Reid's face.
"No," answered JJ.
Reid breathed a big sigh of relief.
JJ continued, "Matt gave up his codes to save me. Then, Hastings stabbed Matt for his troubles and he left with the stolen Integrity files. And, Askari was going to stab me, too, but Emily and Hotch shot him dead, saving me, and...you know the rest."
JJ was sobbing uncontrollably from telling Reid all of this.
"I'm so sorry," cried JJ. "I...I didn't want Will to know that I've lost his second child. I didn't want you and Garcia to know that I've lost your second godchild. I wanted to either name the baby Michael after my grandfather or Maggie after my grandmother. And, what hurts the most is because of all of this, losing my baby and losing Will, Henry will never be a big brother now!"
JJ lowered her face into her hands while crying. Reid looked at her.
"He still can," said Reid.
JJ looked up at Reid.
"...What?" asked JJ.
"Henry can still become a big brother, JJ," said Reid. "Maybe not with your lost baby or with Will now, but someday, you can still make Henry a big brother with somebody else who you will find special."
JJ felt annoyed.
"Don't throw my own words back at me, Spencer Reid!" said JJ. "I'm not going to have another baby now!"
"Yes, you will, JJ," said Reid. "You care too much about children for you not to. It might feel hopeless to you right now, but someday, you will have another baby."
JJ looked into Reid's hazel eyes and she just knew that he was telling her the truth. JJ loved Reid even more than before for telling her that. JJ smiled at him and she kissed his cheek and she hugged him tightly.
"I love you, Spencer Reid," cried JJ. "Thank you. I love you. Thank you."
"I love you, too, Jennifer Jareau," smiled Reid.
Reid convinced JJ to tell the rest of the BAU family about her lost baby. The next morning at Quantico, Reid accompanied JJ to the round table room for moral support. JJ told Hotch, Rossi, Morgan and Garcia about the baby.
"...and that's why I've been so angry and bitter lately," tearfully explained JJ with her head down. "While they tortured me, I learned that Hastings and Askari had knowingly murdered my unborn baby in cold blood. I'm so sorry, guys."
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" cried Garcia.
"JJ," said Morgan. "Why the hell didn't you just tell us this before?"
"I was going to tell everybody I was pregnant the next weekend I was home from Afghanistan," answered JJ. "But then Emily went after Doyle and I chose to wait until after we had gotten her back. But then, we faked her death to save her from Doyle..."
"You still should have told us, JJ," said Hotch.
"I thought I was protecting you all," tearfully said JJ.
"No!" snapped Garcia. "You may have thought that, but you were really protecting yourself, JJ! And what you did wasn't fair to any of us! It wasn't fair to your baby. You've spent the last three years acting like it never even existed!"
"I know," said JJ. "I'm sorry, Pen. If I could go back and change what I did, I would."
"But, you can't, JJ," said Morgan.
"Did anybody know about your baby?" asked Hotch.
"Cruz knew," answered JJ. "I told him right after I found out I was pregnant. Alex said she already knew I'd lost a child when we said goodbye to her. And, I've just told Spence and Emily yesterday. She's reacting to this the same way you guys are reacting. I...I never even told Will about this."
"I've just found out that I've lost another godchild whom I didn't even know existed," cried Garcia. "I...I don't know what to do with that!"
Garcia walked out of the room crying. JJ started crying, too. Reid held JJ's hands.
"I understand that you were ordered not to tell anybody about your mission in Afghanistan," said Morgan. "But, you should have trusted us with your loss, JJ! You just don't really trust anybody, do you?"
Morgan walked out of the room angry. Agent Anderson walked in.
"Agent Hotchner?" said Anderson. "The new applicants are here, sir."
"Thank you, Anderson," said Hotch. "I have to start some job interviews for Blake's spot on the team. We'll continue this later, JJ."
Hotch and Anderson walked out of the room. JJ cried silently in Reid's arms. Rossi was still in the room. They both looked over at Rossi.
"Aren't you going to walk out on me, too?" asked JJ.
"No," answered Rossi. "I already knew you had suffered the loss of a child."
"How did you know?" asked Reid.
"When she first came back to us as a profiler," answered Rossi. "JJ had the same sad look in her eyes that Carolyn had after we lost our son, James David Rossi. He was a stillborn baby."
JJ gasped.
"I'm sorry, Rossi," said Reid.
"I'm sorry, too," sadly said JJ.
"After Carolyn died," said Rossi. "I buried her right next to our son."
"If you knew," said JJ. "Why didn't you say anything before?"
"I was waiting for you to be ready to tell us," answered Rossi. "I'm proud of you, child."
"Thank you," cried JJ. "Is there any secret that you don't know?"
"No," answered Rossi. "It's why I'm so damn good at what I do!"
Rossi and JJ hugged each other.
"Give them some time, JJ," said Rossi. "They will all come around."
"Thank you," tearfully whispered JJ.
A week later, the BAU team were called in for a new case. Reid was still away on medical leave. And, Hotch still hadn't hired a new replacement for Dr. Blake. JJ was the first one in the round table room. Garcia and Morgan came in next. JJ lowered her head expecting both of them to still be upset with her. Garcia walked over to JJ and hugged her unexpectedly.
"What's this for?" asked JJ.
"When you woke up and found out you had lost your baby, you were all alone," answered Garcia. "I wasn't there to do this for you back then, so I'm doing this for you now. JJ, I'm so sorry about your baby."
JJ tearfully hugged Garcia back tightly.
"Thank you," smiled JJ. "I love you, Pen."
"I love you, too, Jayje," said Garcia. "And, I forgive you. But, no more secrets! We're your family! You're stuck with us whether you like it or not! Good or bad, right or wrong, for richer or poorer, sickness or in health, we're in this together! When I host another 'Day of the Dead' celebration, you remember that baby from now on! Deal?"
"Deal," smiled JJ. "No more secrets. And, I love being stuck with our family."
"I've had some time to think about it," said Morgan. "It took me a long time to trust anybody myself after my past with Carl Buford. So, I forgive you, too, JJ."
Morgan and JJ hugged each other. Rossi and Hotch walked in.
"I'm sorry about your baby, too, JJ," said Morgan.
"Thank you, Derek," cried JJ.
"How's the kid?" asked Rossi.
"He's getting better," answered JJ. "I've been bringing Henry over to his apartment to play with him. Spence can't wait to come back next week. He misses all of you."
"We miss him, too," said Morgan.
"JJ," said Hotch. "We will be here for you if you let us. Do you want us to be here for you?"
"Yes," answered JJ. "I want you all to be here for me. I don't want to deal with this alone anymore."
JJ hugged Hotch and then the five of them started working the new case. After the case was closed, Emily Prentiss gave JJ a call.
"Hello, Emily," answered JJ.
"Hey, JJ," said Prentiss. "I've had time to think about your lost baby secret. And, I know that my business against Doyle stopped you from telling the others about your baby while you were still pregnant. That was my fault. And, I know that you have the same trust issues that I've always had. I'm so sorry that Hastings and Askari did that to your baby in Afghanistan."
"Thank you," said JJ. "And, do you forgive me, Emily?"
"If you could forgive me about Will and the bomb they've chained to him," answered Prentiss. "Then, I can forgive you about your lost baby, JJ. The next time I see you, let's get Garcia and have a Girl's Night Out together in honor of your baby."
"It's a date," said JJ. "I love you, Emily."
"I love you, too, JJ," said Prentiss.