Chapter 15

Rhysand

I laid next to her, lazily running circles on her arm as she slept. After a while the sun made its ways to her face. She raised a hand, blocking it and groaning as she turned towards me, mumbling down the bond, 'I don't want to get up…'

I chucked, "So don't Feyre darling," she peered up at me, a lazy grin growing on her face as she sent the image of me jumping off the Sidra.

I mocked a hurt expression, "This is what you convince your poor mate to do when he's drunk? To jump off a bridge?"

She laughed, "It didn't take much convincing. Wait… it took no convincing."

"Oh you cruel beautiful thing," I smirked, the scent of her arousal surrounded me as I grasped her hand and it brought it to my lips, resting it there for a second before kissing it.

She held her breath as my kisses made their way up her arm. She arched her neck, managing to release her breath. A savage desire filled me, but before I went to move I whispered, "Are you sure?

Her lips parted as she breathed down the bond, 'Yes.'

Feyre

Fire raced through me as he slowly lifted my nightgown, his other hand roaming my abdomen. He didn't take time to tease me like usual; he hurriedly moved on top of me. His weight pushed me into the mattress. His first few thrusts were like fireworks, lighting me up from the inside…

My breathing got heavier and a panic started to fill me. I shook my head, feeling trapped under his weight as tears pricked into my eyes. Fear consumed me. I whimpered, hearing nothing but ridiculing laughter and seeing nothing but Corbin's repulsive smile as he forced me down.

I gasped, trying to breath again as I squirmed to get out from under him. The weight suddenly disappeared and I wasted no time jumping up and running for the door, pulling the sheet with me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

Everything spun as I fumbled with the door knob and clambered into the bathroom, dropping to my knees near the toilet, convinced I was about to throw up. Someone said my name and I spun, eyes wide.

Familiar hands softly held my face as violet eyes looked into mine, "You're having a panic attack."

I shook my head again, blubbering, "No- no, I-"

"I'm sorry. I should have been more considerate. I would never want to hurt you," I let out a sob as he continued, "Just take deep breaths. I'm here for you. You're going to be ok"

It was my fault. My fault that we got captured. My fault was that his wings got cut off. My fault that I was raped. My fault. My fault. My fault. Everything was my fault.

He pulled me close and held me as I shook. I don't know how long we sat like that, but the whole time he whispered encouragement and kept my mind wrapped in his comfort.

I swallowed a sob and looked up at him, finally able to breathe clearly, "I'm sorry. I didn't think it would affect me this much."

He traced a circle on my thumb, "You have nothing to be sorry for Feyre darling. Ever."

'I love you.'

He looked down at me with a soft grin, 'I love you too.'

Rhysand

I know exactly how Feyre feels. The lack of control over a situation that shouldn't even have happened; the feeling of blame on yourself even if you know it wasn't your fault…. Amarantha fucked me for fifty years, yet the only reason I didn't fight back was for the good of the Night Court, for the good of my family. I had to endure it, and I couldn't give up. There was no reason Feyre should have endured that; no reason for her to hurt that much. And it destroyed me, thinking of her alone in that cell alone with no one to help her, just like me.

I put a hand on her shoulder, looking at her reflection in the mirror, "You know I'm here for you… right?"

She nodded, meeting my gaze before looking away. How was I supposed to talk to her about this? When I came home after all those years I didn't open up to anyone, not truly, until Feyre came back into my life, and even then I had a difficult time. Maybe I wasn't best suited for this, "There's plenty of therapists in the library, and a lot of the high priestesses understand too. Maybe you could go and speak with them, it might help."

She met my eyes again before leaning into me, "That sounds like a good idea," she whispered, "I'll stop before going to lunch with Lucien."

I leaned down and put my face in the crook of her neck, inhaling that familiar scent as relief poured through me, "I'm sorry again. I didn't realize-"

"It's ok. It helped me realize that I needed some help."

I hummed something unintelligibly as I shut my eyes against the light, "We'll get through everything. I promise."

vVv

I sat on the bed, staring out the window before getting up and moving to the balcony. I wanted to fly. I looked down at the Sidra below, remembering the feel of the water when it splashed up on my wings.

My body started shaking as I slowly fell to my knees, grief ripping through me. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to stop. I had to stay strong. Especially after this morning. After Feyre gets better we would deal with me. But I couldn't stop, not as I sat and wrapped my arms around myself, trembling as I looked out onto the river, wishing I could do something that I would never do again.

Feyre

I sat, facing the therapist who had welcomed me in without question. Her short curly hair framed her face beautifully, and I had the urge to paint it. She gave me a warm smile before extending a hand, "Hello Feyre, I'm Ida."

I shook her hand back, giving her a timid smile as she put her stack of papers on the side table, "So is this your first time going to a therapist?"

I nodded, wiping the palms of my hands on my pants, "Yeah, I don't really know what to expect to be honest."

"Don't worry, just talk about what you're comfortable with, but remember that you could tell me anything and I won't judge. This is a safe space."

I nodded again, still not knowing what to say as she seemed to realize this, "How about you start with the reason you came here? That could be a stepping stone to further our discussion."

"Okay," I let out a deep breath, "I had a really bad panic attack today; I haven't had one that bad since… before I came to Velaris."

"Why?"

"Rhys and I went on a business trip about two weeks ago… it ended up being a trap. When we realized what was happening it was too late."

I sat for a moment in silence before continuing, "And when he captured us… he cut off Rhys's wings," a tear fell down my cheek as I sucked in a breath of air quickly, "and it hurts so badly to see Rhys struggling with it. He might be hiding it but I can see. I can tell when my mate is upset. I just don't understand why he's hiding it. Why is he hiding his feelings from me? Why is he acting like nothing happened to him? I'm not the only one who was affected. It's my fault. I pushed Rhys to go to Jurian's manor; that's the only reason everything happened!"

Ida scrunched her eyebrows and wrote something down before saying, "It's not your fault; there was no way you could've known."

"But all the warning signs-"

"Weren't obvious at the time."

I looked down at my hands, picking a nail as I contemplated how I wanted to continue, "I'm going to kill them, Jurian and Corbin. I'm going to kill them and I won't regret it. I want them to suffer as much as we suffered, more actually, and I want to be the reason. I want it to be long and painful. And maybe that makes me a monster, but I don't really give a shit at this point. I want them dead."

"That doesn't make you a monster. A lot of people want revenge when they've been wronged," she wrote another note, "Who is Corbin? If you don't mind sharing."

I looked at her before opening my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I had never said anything about the experience out loud before, I didn't know if I could to be honest, "Uhh."

She sat, waiting patiently as if knowing I wanted to say something, "He… uh, he is one of the reasons I came today to be honest."

A beat of silence as she pondered for a second, carefully choosing her next words, "What was his role in all of this?"

What should I say? What should I say? I could put it bluntly, or I could word my answer and avoid the question… but eventually I would need to face it. I swallowed, trying to swallow the dread in my throat as I managed to whisper, "He-" A dry sob escaped me.

I couldn't say it. Not yet. Ida reached a hand out and put it on my knee, "If you can't talk about it yet you don't have too."

I nodded, wiping my face as shame filled me. I was stupid.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

She handed me a tissue and I nodded my thanks. "Look. I don't think I can talk about this topic right now."

A slight nod, "Of course-"

"I actually need to go, I'm going to be late for a lunch date I have," I lied, needing to get out of there.

"Okay then! Uhh, you could come back anytime… How about next week?"

I rose to my feet before dipping my head at her slightly, "That's perfect. Thank you so much. See you next week."

I strode to the door, only pausing to hear her answering 'See you next week' before leaving the library, cursing myself for rushing out.

vVv

I sipped my iced tea, watching the door and waiting for Lucien; when he walked in, I raised a hand and motioned for him to come over. He sat, tying up his hair as he did so, and looked at me, "Have you been waiting long?"

"No, just a couple minutes."

Second lie of the day, I've been here for at least an hour. We stared at each other until the waitress came to us and took our Lucien's order. I gave her a small smile as she left and returned my look to Lucien, "I wanted to say thank you."

He raised an eyebrow and went to say something but I cut him off, "And don't say 'it was nothing' because it wasn't."

"Ok," he frowned, "I just can't believe he did that. That he even thought to do it."

Annoyance flashed through me, "Well he did," his eye widened, and I realized I was being harsh on him; Lucien had been friends with Jurian, and he didn't know that side of him existed, "I'm sorry."

Another minute of silence, only interrupted by the waitress bringing him his order and giving him a wink before walking away. "Can I see him? I- I just need to ask him a couple questions, I need something to tell Vassa…"

"Yeah, we could set something up," I took another sip of tea."

"How has everything been going?"

"Honestly? It's hard… It's hard to go back into normal life after such a traumatic experience, a lot like-"

"Right after Amarantha."

I nodded, biting my lip as he looked down, "At least you have more support."

He picked up his still full cup and drained it, "I need to go Feyre. Thank you for inviting me."

I lifted a hand and waved it slightly, "I'll see you soon," I said, watching him already make his way towards the door.

I stared at the door for a long time, thinking about my visit with Ida, and then this talk with Lucien before I was able to pull myself away. I had to meet Rhys, we had a date in the Court of Nightmares.