Chapter 18

Feyre

Red tinged my vision as I hurled up the staircase, and all I could think above the roar in my head was Rhys and his denial. He didn't want to address the problem, even as it grew. I flung open the door before plopping into bed and wrapping the sheets around me, shutting my eyes against that red.

Why wouldn't he acknowledge what happened to him? Why was he trying to hide his pain when it was so apparent? Rhys's steps echoed from down the hallway as he made his way to me; I turned away from the door.

"Feyre."

I ignored him, trembling slightly, "Feyre please, what's wrong?"
What did he mean what's wrong?! How did he not know? I clenched my teeth, blocking the broken sob threatening to escape me. I was tired. I was tired of him acting like nothing happened. I wasn't the only one that was hurt from this; I knew he was too. Maybe if I showed him everything I've seen, everything he's seen…. Would he understand? I opened my mental shields, letting him in before slamming them down around him.

Rhysand

I stumbled back, no longer seeing Feyre as I was wrapped in her thoughts. Memory after memory was hurled at me; blood covering the floor as I screamed, circling a dank cell with nothing to do other than worry, Corbin and his 'lackeys' holding her down as they laughed, the first time she saw me after we got separated when I looked so pale and dreadful, flashes of the maze…

I sank to my knees, gasping for breath, "Stop," I whimpered.

She started to throw the memories I had shared with her back at me; the haze the drugs put me in, the initial fury when I woke up, the pain my cut wings constantly kept me in, the absolute hysteria I was in when they branded Feyre.

"Please," I sobbed, "Feyre…"

Feyre

I looked from him from where I sat on the bed, his eyes moving around frantically at everything I was throwing at him. As I pushed him out of my head =tears made their way down my face, blurring my vision. I was a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have thrown such awful memories back at him.

He stayed on his knees, breathing hard as he wiped his face. I] got up and crouched next to him, "I'm sorry Rhys. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I shouldn't have done that."

Our gazes met. "Why?" he whispered.

The word was a punch in the gut. "Because I'm- I'm frustrated!" I exclaimed, everything I've been holding in now tumbling out, "You're acting like nothing happened to you! I wasn't the only one affected, so why are you hiding everything!?"

His shoulders slumped, "I wanted to make sure you were okay before focusing on me."

I turned to face him, and his eyes lifted to mine again, "That's not how it works. We go through every problem we face together, as equals," my voice broke, "You promised."

"I promised," he echoed, staring at me, "So what would you like to do?"

"I'd like you to be honest with me. I'd like you to never put your own feelings aside for mine. I'd like to talk about our traumas and try to work through them together. Whether that is too much to ask is up to you, and if it is, I won't pry. I'll wait until you're ready, but I need something."

Silver glimmered in his eyes as swift tears fell down his face, "I can do that… I can do it. What do you want to know?"

"Anything you're comfortable with sharing."

"Ok," he let out a deep breath as he collected his thoughts, "I haven't been this … powerless since Under the Mountain, and I worked so hard afterwards to forget the feeling. But then I was thrust right back into it, and instead of just being powerless over just myself, I found myself powerless over you as well. It drove me crazy!"

"I thought it was over when he cut off my wings. I knew he said that he would break you, but I thought Cassian and Azriel would come in time. I was so worried about you… I wouldn't allow myself to think about my wings. I couldn't afford to break, not there."

He wiped the tears on my cheeks, ignoring his own, "But you suffered anyways Feyre. You got raped, that's one of the worst things anyone can go through, and you had no one there with you. And I hate that I couldn't be there for you."

He couldn't be there for me… just like no one was there for him, at least… not for 50 years. But I knew that if he was able to be there, he would be, no matter what. I leaned into him, shutting my eyes as he contemplated what he would say next, 'I will never fly again. I will never feel the wind on my face ever again, or the water splashing up onto my wings. I won't be the one to teach Nyx to fly. And it destroys me. I've seen how broken wings have shattered people firsthand. I've seen them break, slowly but surely. I've seen their thoughts, their emotions. And I'm scared that I'll succumb to that too. Every thought about my wings sends me reeling. I just can't believe it. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. I still try to summon them. I don't even realize it until I feel my muscles pulling. Eventually I know I'll descend into an insanity that I cannot handle.'

"No you won't," I said, my heart stopping, "I won't let you."

He chuckled darkly, "How?"

"...I don't know. But I would do anything to help you."

Silence, then he let out a deep breath as he put his nose in the crook of my neck, "Has visiting Ida helped you?"

"A little I think. I still have a lot of problems though. Hopefully we can get through them… Maybe you should go too, maybe she could help you too."

He shifted, tracing shapes on my thigh, "Maybe."

My thoughts drifted back into the maze, to the vision of Rhys's death, and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the—"What's wrong?" Rhys whispered.

"Do you blame me for everything that's happened? For getting caught? For getting your wings cut off?"

He pulled back and turned me to face him, "No… I would never blame that on you. There was no way you could've known what would happen."

"But I pushed you to come even though you were uncomfortable. We needed to have close ties with our only human ally," I flung my hands up.

"And you were right. Just because Jurian was a fucking traitor doesn't mean you were to blame… Why would you ever think that?"

A fresh wave of tears made their way down my face as I opened my mouth to tell him, but all that came out was a choked gasp. He pulled me closer, "You could tell me anything, whenever you're ready to."

I steadied my breathing and shut my eyes softly, gathering courage, "Because you told me it was my fault."

"What?"

I opened my shields, and his eyes grew distant as he relived my memory, me sitting beside him, screaming and crying when I thought he was dead—when I thought I had lost my mate again. "That wasn't me."

"I know."

He stood before picking me up and tucking me into bed. He crawled on with me, wiping my tears before wrapping his arms around me. I reached a hand up to his own wet face and wiped his tears too. Love and affection poured down the bond, warming me, "It's not your fault," he whispered, "It's Jurian's."

I nodded, already starting to feel drowsy, "I will never blame you for anything, ever. You are mine Feyre, and I am yours," he said, "Nothing is ever going to change that."