The sun had long since hid its face behind the horizon by the time Dawnheart and the others reached the top of the slope leading to the fern tunnel. It had been slow going. Oliver was limping heavily and needed to rest his injured shoulder from time to time. Kibby was exhausted and could hardly keep putting one paw in front of the other. Fitzy was quiet but Dawnheart could tell the proud tom was in pain.
Dawnheart himself was feeling the weight of the day's events on his back but an urgency drove him forward. What if the rogues had attacked the camp? What if he was too late with the catmint? Each paw-step radiated adrenaline up his legs as he drew closer. Within a few tail-lengths his paws were skimming the ground. Almost there.
Dawnheart pushed his way through a final thicket of dead ferns. On the other side was a welcome sight. Crowfrost was sitting at the camp entrance. The warrior sat straight-backed in the moonlight and beyond him the camp lay quiet.
Crowfrost's hackles rose as Dawnheart came into his view. Dawnheart paused. A moment later Crowfrost's eyes widened with recognition and his fur lay flat.
"You're back." The new warrior said.
The indifference in his voice took Dawnheart by surprise. He stopped.
"Dawnheart, wait!" A voice pierced the silence.
Crowfrost's ears shot up and he jumped to his feet, tail lashing.
"Who was that?" He demanded.
Before Dawnheart could respond, Kibby burst through the bushes behind him. She stumbled on a root and rolled, limbs flailing, to a stop at Dawnheart's side.
Dawnheart looked down at her and blinked. He had not thought about what he was going to say to the Clan about these visitors.
Well, too late for any discretion. Dawnheart thought with an inward sigh. He dropped the catmint at his paws and opened his mouth to address his Clanmate.
"I found catmint." He began.
Crowfrost was still staring at Kibby. His lip was drawn back in a half snarl, but his eyes were wide with confusion. He only reacted to Dawnheart's statement with a slight twitch of an ear.
"I needed help bringing it all back." Dawnheart continued.
The sound of Oliver and Fitzy's arrival ran over the end of Dawnheart's sentence. Both toms stood just behind their warrior companion.
Dawnheart could feel their anxious energy tingle his fur.
He turned to them. "Sorry I went ahead." He said.
Fitzy nodded his understanding. Oliver didn't respond. He limped forward two paw-steps and leaned heavily on the trunk of a tree. He closed his eyes.
Crowfrost found his voice.
"You brought kitty-pets to camp?" he growled. His initial surprise had been replaced with hostility. His neck fur rose as his blue eyes darted between each newcomer.
"We were attacked by rogues. They need rest." Dawnheart explained.
Crowfrost's gaze lingered on the wound on Dawnheart's cheek. He didn't say anything.
Dawnheart swallowed his rising emotions. An outburst would not help here. Crowfrost was just being cautious. Perhaps the Clan knew of the rogue's return and new faces were under scrutiny. Dawnheart took a calming breath and eased forward on his aching paws.
"Crowfrost, you know the Clan needs this." Dawnheart gestured to his catmint. "These cats helped me get it. The least they deserve is a place to rest and heal their wounds."
Crowfrost's snarl faded. He still looked at the kitty-pets with narrowed eyes, but his fur had flattened.
Dawnheart exhaled. He turned to his companions.
"Come on." He said.
Kibby and Fitzy gripped their bundles of catmint a little tighter and nodded. Dawnheart coaxed Oliver off of the tree and gave him his own shoulder to lean on. Together they limped towards the tunnel.
As they drew within a tail-length of Crowfrost Dawnheart shot his Clanmate an expectant glance. Crowfrost hesitated for a half-breath. For that moment Dawnheart thought the warrior was going to block their way. Instead, he stepped aside.
Dawnheart nodded to Crowfrost as they passed, but the warrior's eyes were fixed on the forest beyond.
Dawnheart blinked away a new tiredness as his paws carried him through the fern tunnel. The scent of CedarClan wreathed around him, welcoming him. His warm nest was waiting for him in the warrior's den. He had but one last task.
The sight that greeted Dawnheart made him stop dead.
A small group of cats were huddled together in the center of the clearing. Their heads were bowed. A low moan of grief was carried to Dawnheart's ears on a chill night breeze.
No.
Dawnheart couldn't breathe. He was too late. How could StarClan let this happen? Why had they let him waste time searching? Why hadn't he forced his companions to run the whole way here? Why…?
"Dawnheart?"
A familiar mew brought Dawnheart back to reality.
Kibby was crouching at his side. She looked up at him with wide, scared eyes.
"Did…did someone die?" she squeaked.
Dawnheart's mouth went dry.
"Were we too late?" Kibby turned her gaze back to the mourning cats. Her ears were flat to her head and her voice trembled. "I'm sorry I didn't go fast enough. I haven't ever gone so far away before."
The words came out as a tiny mewl. She shrank back from the scene as if she wanted to run but couldn't.
"I'm sorry I didn't fight it's just that Fitzy told me not to pick fights because I'd just get hurt and- "
Dawnheart rested his tail on her shaking back. Her head shot up to face him.
"It wasn't your fault." It's mine. Again.
Dawnheart reassured his sister with a few strokes of his tail along her spine. The warmth and calm of his mew surprised him. Inside he felt like screeching and wailing to the stars.
The impossible weight of guilt dropped into his belly. He felt as if he wasn't here in CedarClan, but far, far away. Alone.
A chorus of new voices broke through Dawnheart's moment of distance and solitude.
"Dawnheart is that you?"
"Who is that?"
"Is that catmint?"
Dawnheart blinked and took in the sight of his Clanmates reacting to his arrival.
Heronpaw and Hawkpaw were hurrying up to him. Looks of relief filled their faces. Whiteshade was standing at the entrance to the warrior's den. For once he looked completely dumbfounded. Swiftwing jumped to his paws and stared, mouth agape. Others were starting to notice too. The vigil remained undisturbed.
Dawnheart didn't know what to do next. Should he call for Plumleaf? Announce his return? He was relieved of the burden of choice by Whiteshade ordering Hawkpaw to fetch Blizzardstar and hurrying up to Dawnheart's group.
The deputy slowed to a halt and leaned forward to sniff at Dawnheart's bundle. His amber eyes grew wide.
"You found some." He said in awe.
Dawnheart could only nod.
Whiteshade's eyes fell on the rest of the group. He didn't adopt suspicion or hostility as Crowfrost had. Instead, the deputy gave his head a little shake and blinked.
"Kitty-pets." The warrior's tone wasn't accusatory but incredulous. "StarClan only knows." Whiteshade shook his head once more and straightened up.
Dawnheart dropped his catmint bundle at his paws. He fixed Whiteshade with a pleading stare and gave a tiny nod towards the grieving cats.
"Whiteshade, who…?" His voice trailed off. He could not bring himself to finish the thought aloud.
Who was I too late to save?
Whiteshade heaved a sigh. The strong warrior's pelt was disheveled and his eyes were dull. "One of Quailstep's kits." He said in a low voice.
Dawnheart clamped his jaws shut against a wave of nausea. He felt as if his paws were going to give out any moment. He looked on with wide eyes at the gathered cats. He recognized Quailstep and Talonscore now. They looked small in the cold starlight.
The cat on Quailstep's other side looked up and caught Dawnheart's eye. It was Plumleaf.
The medicine cat murmured something in her litter-mate's ear before standing up and making her way over to them. Her steps quickened when she laid eyes on what they had brought.
"They can rest in the elder's den." Plumleaf announced when she'd reached them. She gestured to the house-cats with her plumy tail.
Without another word the fluffy medicine cat snatched Dawnheart's bundle off of the ground and retreated. He watched as Plumleaf began distributing the herb to the gathered mourners.
At first Quailstep refused the medicine.
It took coaxing from both her mate and Plumleaf before the grieving she-cat accepted the dose. She then rested her chin on her paws and squeezed her eyes shut.
Dawnheart had to tear his eyes away from the scene. He couldn't give this feeling his attention yet. He wasn't done.
He nodded to Whiteshade before leading Oliver across camp to the elder's den. Kibby and Fitzy followed closely behind.
When Oliver was settled into an empty nest Dawnheart peered out into the clearing and saw Blizzardstar emerging from his den.
"I'll be right back." Dawnheart told Kibby. "I need to speak to my leader."
Kibby gave him a solemn nod and went back to grooming Oliver's ears. Fitzy just grunted from the shadows.
Dawnheart hurried out of the den and up to where Blizzardstar was speaking to Whiteshade. Hawkpaw and Heronpaw hovered nearby.
"Ah, Dawnheart." Blizzardstar remarked as Dawnheart drew near. His voice still rasped due to the healing gash in his neck. The huge white tom turned and faced his warrior. Dawnheart dipped his head. He suddenly felt very vulnerable in Blizzardstar's presence.
"Let us speak elsewhere. I do not wish to disturb Lynxkit's vigil." With that Blizzardstar turned and strode towards the entrance to his den. The others followed without a word.
"I would like to extend my apologies." Blizzardstar began. He sat down just inside his den and wrapped his long tail around his paws. The apprentices sat as well but Dawnheart remained standing.
"Apologies?" Dawnheart echoed.
Blizzardstar blinked and nodded.
"I had let my fears blind me to the possibilities of StarClan's plan. You three and Petalpaw did something for the Clan I could not. For that I thank you." The great cat bowed his head.
Dawnheart felt sick. He sank back onto his haunches.
"I'm sorry we had to lie." Heronpaw said.
Hawkpaw nodded.
"It is one of the truths I have learned as a leader that doing what is right can often be difficult." Blizzardstar began saying something else but Dawnheart had stopped listening.
He was being praised? For what? Failing to return in time to save an ailing kit? How could Blizzardstar be apologizing to him when he had been responsible for so much? If only Blizzardstar knew how much Dawnheart had hesitated, how much he had failed.
If only they knew that Dawnheart had considered not coming back at all.
"I was too late."
The words were out of Dawnheart's mouth before he could stop them. Blizzardstar paused mid-sentence and looked at him. With a flick of his long white tail the leader dismissed the two apprentices. They hesitated, looking at Dawnheart and trying to meet his gaze. Dawnheart didn't reciprocate. He just stared at his paws and didn't look up.
The sound of Heronpaw and Hawkpaw's retreat faded away. Blizzardstar stayed silent. The air of the leader's den pressed close on Dawnheart's ears and lungs. It made him feel like he was going to suffocate.
Dawnheart wanted to stop himself but the dam was about to burst.
"It's my fault Lynxkit is out there in the cold instead of at his mother's belly." His voice shook as the words tumbled from his mouth like water. "It's all my fault."
Dawnheart squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the frozen earth with his claws. He bowed his head until his quivering whiskers brushed the snow.
"Do you know why I welcomed you to CedarClan?"
Dawnheart blinked open his eyes in shock. He lifted his head, hesitant.
Blizzardstar was staring past Dawnheart's shoulder with tired blue eyes.
"My mother asked you to." Dawnheart managed to say.
Blizzardstar closed his eyes for a moment and then reopened them.
"Yes and no." He turned to face Dawnheart. "Your mother's plea caught my attention, yes, but what convinced me was your spirit."
Dawnheart blinked up at his leader. The white tom's eyes blazed with blue fire.
"You have a warrior's spirit and a warrior's heart. You are not weak." Blizzardstar's firm voice seemed to penetrate Dawnheart's fear with its resounding timbre.
"You have saved many more lives than you feel responsible for losing. I have watched you sacrifice as much as any warrior, and more." Blizzardstar's intense gaze locked with Dawnheart's.
"But most of all, you came back. Despite your grief, despite your loss, and despite how this world sees you, you came back to us. You came home."
"I had to." Dawnheart said. His voice cracked. "But I was too late."
Blizzardstar rose to his paws and took a step forward.
Dawnheart flinched away as his leader drew close.
The white tom rested his strong jaw on Dawnheart's head. Dawnheart blinked.
"Even the greatest of us cannot stop death." The rumble of Blizzardstar's voice resonated through Dawnheart's body.
Dawnheart felt the pit of despair within him shake.
Blizzardstar stepped back.
"Go now. See what you have done for your Clan." He waved his tail. Dawnheart was dismissed.
Numb, Dawnheart rose to his paws and backed out of the mouth of the den. His legs shook and his heart still ached. How could he ever be free of this guilt?
He turned, head down, ready to flee to the elder's den.
A crowd of jostling cats blocked his path.
"You did it!" Specklepaw cried out from the front of the group. Her green eyes were shining as she looked at Dawnheart.
"You've saved them all." Praised Runningriver from beside the apprentice.
Falconstorm nodded at Dawnheart. There was relief in the tabby warrior's gray eyes.
Swiftwing padded up and touched noses with Dawnheart. "That catmint will keep my kits safe. Thank you." The black and white tom said.
Dawnheart could only blink in shock. More cats were moving in towards him.
There was Elkheart and Whiteshade. Both warriors had their tails kinked high in gladness. They dipped their heads in unison towards Dawnheart.
Instinctively, Dawnheart raked the crowd in search of a familiar face. The only one he could still call family. He didn't find Slatefang among them.
Dawnheart wanted to flee, but more cats were approaching him. He turned to look at them and froze.
The gathered cats had parted to allow two of their Clanmates through. It was Talonscore and Quailstep. Lynxkit's father and mother.
Dawnheart couldn't help but shy away. His ears flattened and he curled his tail close to his body. Shame made his eyes drop to the gritty snow at his paws. He waited.
"Thank you." Quailstep's soft voice took Dawnheart by surprise.
He looked up and met her eyes. There was deep sorrow in their soft brown depths, but something else was there too; a joy that shone through the pain like rays of dappled sunlight.
Dawnheart found himself unable to look away from the queen's face. He wanted to beg for her forgiveness, but he couldn't make himself move.
"My kits will live because of you." Quailstep said. Her eyes shone brighter as she looked into his face. The queen stepped forward and touched her soft muzzle to Dawnheart's nose.
Realization crept into Dawnheart's mind. She didn't blame him. He found Talonscore's gaze. There was no accusation there either. Dawnheart looked down into Quailstep's face.
"I'm so sorry." He whispered.
Quailstep closed her eyes.
"I know." She said.
Dawnheart rested his head on hers.
After a few more moments, the other cats began to move away to get out of the cold. Talonscore and Quailstep returned to their son and Dawnheart found himself alone again.
Slatefang's absence at his side burned in the cold air. He found the prospect of entering the warrior's den equally enticing and terrifying. He stood there dumbly, unsure what to do.
Plumleaf swept up to his side. "Come with me." she said. There was no choice given. Dawnheart followed the short medicine cat as she led him away. They stopped just outside the medicine clearing entrance. A small pile of catmint lay there undisturbed.
Plumleaf sat down and began plucking the leaves from the stems. She gestured to Dawnheart to do the same. He did so, but only because he didn't know what he would do otherwise.
"Did Blizzardstar give you the "not even the greatest of us can stop death" speech?"
Dawnheart was surprised to hear a tinge of derision in Plumleaf's mew.
He nodded, his mouth full of stems.
Plumleaf snorted. A puff of white left her nose and floated up towards the sky before vanishing.
"That always felt hollow to me coming from the cat with nine lives." Plumleaf said.
Dawnheart didn't respond.
"But he's right."
Dawnheart paused and looked up at the medicine cat. She was staring up at the cloudless sky, a bit of catmint leaf hanging from her jaw fur.
"The most important lesson a medicine cat learns is that she cannot save every life. Death is a part of our world. Without it we could never move forward."
Dawnheart mutely shredded leaves from their stems as he listened.
"You will carry Lynxkit with you for the rest of your life." Plumleaf went on in a softer tone. "But it is up to you to decide what kind of burden he will be. Will his memory weigh you down? Cause you to doubt every action you take?"
Plumleaf turned to look at Dawnheart now. Her brown eyes burned into his and he felt trapped by their intensity.
"Or will it drive you forward, pushing you further than you thought you could go?"
Dawnheart's throat was tight with emotion. "It just hurts so much." He felt like a kit saying it, but it was true. All the cats whom he had lost. The cats who were now pushing him away. The cats he had failed to save. He even felt grief for Jasmine and his choice to leave her. His grief threatened to pull him down into black waters of nothingness.
Plumleaf drew him closer with her fluffy tail. He closed his eyes and rested his head on her shoulder.
"I know." She said softly. "Why don't you tell me about our new friends?"
Dawnheart was a little taken aback by her question, but he found it helpful to launch into the story of how he had found his birth family. He lost himself in the tale and the work as he helped Plumleaf deliver doses of catmint to every den in the camp.
Dawnheart's heart still ached by the time they had seen to Oliver's wound and made introductions, but he felt new strength in his paws with every friendly face he saw.
His Clan still wanted him. They greeted him warmly as he and Plumleaf made their rounds. \\plumleaf suggests he sit with talon and quail. He is hesitant, but she urges him, he goes and they welcome him warmly. Section ends as he sit close to them and feels their warmth
. . .
Slatefang watched as Dawnheart stretched his long limbs and made his way to the temporary nests inside the apprentice's den.
Slatefang shoved down a growl that was threatening to escape his throat. He dug his long claws into the frozen ground at the foot of the sprawling Root-tree. How long was every cat going to pretend this was normal? A whole patrol of kitty-pets barging into camp and demanding food and shelter should have made the warriors furious. They should have chased them away.
Yet the entire Clan had celebrated. They had welcomed the kitty-pets into their midst. Given them their prey. Thanked them.
The taste of bile had become familiar to Slatefang now. He swallowed a mouthful, unblinking.
Cherrynose will recover because of them. A small voice spoke to Slatefang inside his head. She'll live to nest beside you again.
Slatefang clenched his jaw.
Cherrynose was strong. She didn't need the kitty-pet's help.
You know that isn't true.
Slatefang growled and shook his head. These thoughts had been invading his mind more frequently now. Ever since Spottedfur.
Slatefang paused. No, that wasn't it. He had always felt this way. Warriors rejected the soft life of a kitty-pet. Dawnheart was a kitty-pet. His existence in the Clan broke the warrior code.
If it hadn't been for Dawnheart, Spottedfur would still be alive. WillowClan wouldn't have refused to trade with them. It was all Dawnheart's fault.
Right?
Slatefang shook his head violently, trying to dispel his furious thoughts. They clung like a fly stuck in a spider's web.
Anger boiled up inside of him. Anger at Dawnheart. Anger at the Clan. It raged and burned inside of him, making him feel feverish.
He drew his lips back to reveal his fangs to the night.
The others in the Clan may have found it in themselves to welcome the kitty-pets and to forgive Dawnheart, but he would never stoop so low.
He knew now that he would blame Dawnheart until his dying breath.