Chapter 4: Bear Hunt
"FUCK!"
Dane and Butters had decided to go and get "Feldspar," (who Butters said was really named Craig,) since he was closest. But had just found out that the thief was in detention. Dane, as you can probably guess, was none too pleased.
"Great, now we're probably going to have to bust him out." Dane stated irritably, stomping in the direction of Token's house, Butters following.
"Don't worry Dane, I'm sure it won't be so bad. This isn't the first time Craig's been in detention." Butters assured.
"Yeah, but tomorrow's my first day of school, I don't want to leave a bad first impression." Dane explained, calming a bit, but then getting saddened. "I've done that enough already."
"Well who knows, maybe in your costume the teachers won't know it's you." Butters said, trying to reassure his new friend that everything would be okay.
"Yeah, maybe you're right. Anyway, what can I expect from the other two? Are they delinquents like how this Craig guy sounds?" Dane asked.
"Uh, not really. Tweek gets in trouble sometimes, but that's due to his ADHD, he doesn't like getting in trouble because it stresses him out. Token is a straight A student and doesn't get involved in shenanigans too much." Butters explained.
"Ah, so one is hyper and the other one's boring. Got ya." Dane stated.
The two had now entered the town square. A four-way intersection led to other parts of town. Dane rechecked his phone to make sure they were going the right way. He then started studying the map to get a better look at the town. It appeared they had just left the suburbs, and this was downtown. Sliding through the map he saw other places, a building on a hilltop, a mall, the school, a volcano(?) and a few miles away he saw a Casa Bonita. And encompassing everything was a huge forest. Curious, he widened the map and saw that South Park actually lied in a valley with four other towns, North, West East, and Center Park. All of them together formed Park County.
"Wow, the settlers weren't very creative when founding this place." Dane thought.
"Dane! C'mon! Token's house is this way!" Butters yelled from a few feet away, apparently Dane had spent the last five minutes going over the map and had let butters get ahead of him.
"Shit! Sorry!" Dane apologized, tucking his phone away, he ran to catch up.
Eventually they made it to Token's house, though calling it a "house," was an understatement.
"HOLY SHIT! THIS KID MUST BE LOADED!" Dane thought as he and Butters approached the massive mansion. It was wider than any house he had ever seen, looking like three houses mashed together. In front of it was a gate with a guard posted out front.
Dane approached the guard. "Uh, hey. We're friends of Token and would like to see him."
"Sorry, sir. But I can't let you in if you don't have the door code or a registered ID with this establishment." The guard stated blandly.
Dane was confused. "An ID? But this is someone's house not a business - "
"Move along sir, or else I'll have to use force on you." The guard warned, putting a hand on his mace.
Butters grabbed Dane's shoulder. "Come one, Dane. We can come back later or- "
Dane shrugged the paladin's hand off. "No, I'm not going to be pushed around by some dumbass with a worthless badge. See here asshole I- "
The guard quickly took out his mace and sprayed Dane in the face with it. The burning was unlike any pain he'd ever felt before. Like someone shoving a thousand pinpricks into his eyes at once or using white hot flames to char them for sadistic pleasure. The boy let out a scream and fell to his knees.
"Move along sir, or else I'll be forced to do that again." The guard warned again, his voice showing disinterest even after having hurt a child.
"Alright! We'll go just please don't do that again!" Butters pleaded, dragging the hurt Dane away. He brought Dane over to the nearby Senior Center and asked one of the old ladies for a water bottle to wash Dane's eyes out. The old lady obliged and handed it to Butters, who after a few minutes, cleared the mace out of Dane's eyes enough that he could see. The new kid forgot to thank Butters though, as with the pain receding he could focus on his anger at the security guard.
"THAT MOTHERFUCKER!" Dane yelled.
"Whoa! Easy there Dane! He was just doing his job!" Butters said, trying to calm his friend.
"NO HE WASN'T! HIS JOB IS TO GUARD THE PROPERTY NOT MACE KIDS! I'M GONNA GET HIM BACK FOR THIS! I SWEAR!" Dane raged.
"Okay okay! But how?" Butters asked.
This gave Dane pause, with that mace the security guard could stop him no matter how he approached him, not to mention he may also have a Taser, what to do…
Suddenly, a ping sounded from Dane's phone. He took it out and saw it was for his Facebook profile. He rarely paid attention to it, but for some reason always accrued followers quickly. It didn't help that he had it set to auto accept every friend request, but he figured it was better to have a bloated account than to upset anyone over nothing. Opening the Facebook app showed him his feed, and in it was a message from Cartman.
"HAHAHAHAHA! Dude! Someone just posted a video of you getting maced! It's so funny! Especially when you know it's coming! Oh god. Ah, but seriously, you need to find a way past that guy." The message read. Dane started getting angry again, but before he could start yelling, he noticed the new message was actually the one BELOW Cartman's.
"Jimbo's Guns sells a wide variety of hunting equipment for any situation." It read, apparently from the titular Jimbo.
"I guess we're going to Jimbo's Guns." Dane stated, pocketing his phone.
"Why?" Butters asked.
"He sent me a text, apparently he has something that can help us get past that guard." Dane explained as the two headed west away from Token's House.
"Oh! That was nice of him." Butters said, smiling.
"Yeah, though I don't know how he could possibly have something to help us. It's not like we wanna kill him, even after he maced me." Dane said.
The two soon reached the gun shop, opening the door and being met with country music. The inside of the shop was, unsurprisingly, covered with guns, from the walls to various racks. Amidst these armaments were also various knives, a few swords, and even explosives.
"Holy shit, I've moved around a lot and I've never seen so many weapons in one place! The fuck kind of hunting do people around here do?!" Dane thought.
"Ah! You must be that New Kid I've heard about!"
Dane was ripped out of his thoughts by a somewhat nasally voice that he saw belonged to a man behind the sales counter that must have been Jimbo. He wore a big orange hunter's hat, a green vest, an orange shirt, and brown pants.
"Uh yeah, you said you had something to help me get past the gate?" Dane asked.
"Oh yeah, that. Well ya see I have two gas masks that would keep you from getting maced." Jimbo explained plainly.
"Oh great! So how much- "
"But." Jimbo interrupted.
"Here we go." Dane thought irritably.
Jimbo walked over to a nearby box and picked out a pack of salmon. "I need you to go get me some supplies. Ya see, in addition to running this fine shop of american finery, I also trade with other hunters in around the county. We each sell goods made from materials from the animals found in the woods around our towns. But because of the damn liberals strengthening their efforts to get rid of the second amendment, my sales have been dropping, so I've had to spend all my time trying to boost my business and haven't had time to hunt. I've been putting Ned to work promoting the shop so he can't help either." Jimbo explained.
"Oookay, so why have me do it?" Dane asked.
"Well you're new in town and wanna boost your rep right? I can help with that. I'm pretty popular with the other true americans in this town and can put in a good word for you. Also I can help you with the game you're playing by giving you the masks and more." Jimbo said, Dane perked up. "More?"
"Oh yeah. See in addition to hunting I also know how to craft some pretty badass shit from animal remains. You bring me parts from any critters you kill and I can give you gear for your game. From what I hear from my nephew the kids here tend to play rough. I even made him a sword from deer bones for this, so I thought I'd level the playing field by helping you out too. Because if there's one thing Jimbo Kern doesn't do is play favorites, even with family. Also doesn't help that my brother screwed me in poker last week." Jimbo explained, crossing his arms.
"Ah, okay, that actually sounds cool. I've always wanted to try hunting. So what do we kill?" Dane asked, getting excited at the prospect of hunting like a frontiersmen.
"A bear." Jimbo said.
Dane and Butters grew scared and exchanged glances, Jimbo apparently caught this and rolled his eyes. "I'm not gonna have ya fight it yourselves ya dipshits! I'm not a dumbass! The salmon is for a bear trap. Place the trap where the bear's been sighted and wait. Then when he's caught, wait for him to bleed out then drag him back here. Perfectly safe." Jimbo explained, and the two calmed.
"Alright, sounds good. Where's the bear?" Dane asked.
"I'll mark it on your phone. Oh, and some other critters have been spotted in the area that I can use to craft some stuff and sell to the other towns, so keep an eye out for them. I'll even give you a finder's fee for the extra ones. You should be able to kill'em with the weapons you got." Jimbo said, Dane giving him his phone to mark the location. He then handed the kids the salmon and trap.
"Thanks. Uh, could we maybe get a real sword or maybe a knife from here later? I don't have the money now but when I do I wanna buy some of this, it looks fucking badass." Dane asked, looking around.
"I appreciate the thought, kid. But like I said, because of the damn liberals I can't even sell blade weapons to kids now. The stuff I can make is thankfully in a legal grey area so I can give it to you, but everything else is off limits." Jimbo said, frowning.
"Ah that sucks. Well we should get going on that hunt before Cartman and the others get impatient. It was good meeting you Mr. Kern." Dane said, shaking Jimbo's hand.
"You too, uh..."
"Dane, Dane Simons."
"Well, good ta meet ya Dane. I hope yer in town for a while." Jimbo said, waving as the two left.
After leaving the store, Butters got in close. "Dane, I don't know about this. Fighting the elves is one thing, but A BEAR?!" Butters said, shaking.
"Relax, Butters. Like Mr. Kern said, we won't actually fight it. We just have to trap it, watch it die, then drag it back."
"It's still pretty fucked up." Butters stated.
Dane thought for a minute. "Yeah, I guess it is, but we need those masks and that gear."
Butters looked at Dane questioningly. "I get the masks, but why the hunter gear? It feels optional at best."
Dane sighed. "Look, Butters, I'll level with you. I want this game to be over as soon as possible. Admittedly some of it is fun. But if I have to spend longer than a day taking orders from that fat shit while he insults me I think I'm gonna snap. So I'm taking any advantage I can to get the stick back quickly."
Butters was taken aback at his frankness. He understood the frustration, having dealt with Cartman for years himself, but didn't want their first adventure to be a chore for him. "I understand Dane. But you shouldn't let the Wizard King's attitude spoil your fun, sure you were forced into this, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. I mean, imagine how I'm doing, I serve directly under him and he still treats me like dirt. But at the end of the day I like playing pretend, I like being a paladin and smiting evil. And I can tell you like being a Fighter too." Butters stated, then shrugged. "Your free to feel however you want, but try and think about it, okay? I'd hate for your first adventure here to be horrible."
Dane contemplated this then put his hand on Butter's shoulder. "I will, thanks man."
"No problem. So, mighty Fighter, shall we go slay this beast?" Butters asked, changing into his 'knightly' voice. Dane smirked and imitated a warrior's growling tone.
"We shall, Sir Butters."
The two left as they head to the western side of South Park's forest.
The two trekked through the dark and mist shrouded woods, following the map on Dane's phone to the marked location of where Jimbo thought the bear may be. Unfortunately, this was hindered by the mist fogging up the phone.
"How the fuck is there this must mist in Colorado? Is a swamp near here or something?" Dane asked, rubbing his phone clear for the billionth time.
"Perhaps an evil elven wizard has cast a mistshroud spell to hinder our journey!" Butters exclaimed.
"Maybe." Dane agreed, it was possible the elf kids had somehow gotten hold of a fog machine or something. Dane gripped his sword's hilt in case they were ambushed.
Unbeknownst to both he and Butters, they were being stalked by something. But it wasn't any type of kid.
After a few more minutes of traveling, the two wound up at a four-way intersection. North was further shrouded by fog, but what was weird was this fog had weird, NES type music coming from it and seemed to be swirling around something. To the west it seemed like everywhere else, east was back the way they came, and south didn't have any mist at all and was incredibly dark, even though it was midday. Dane looked at his phone to check where they should go.
"Please be west, please be west, please be west." Dane prayed. And indeed the bear was west.
"Thank god."
Dane pocketed his phone for the moment. "Alright Butters, the bear's location is that way, you ready?" He asked.
Butters raised his hammer. "Always comrade!"
Dane smiled."Alright, let's do this."
The two entered the clearing Jimbo had directed them to, there was a stream that flowed through the area, its soft noise casting a calm vibe across the area.
"Oh, this is nice." Butters said, looking around.
"Yeah, this must be where the bear drinks, so it probably comes here often, which means we should set up the trap right away." Dane stated, taking out the trap and salmon from his backpack and setting it up, placing it near the stream.
"Wow, Dane, how'd you know how to do that? I thought you never went camping." Butters asked as the two moved to the bushes around the clearing to hide.
Dane did a double take. "That's a good question. I don't know." Dane answered looking down and thinking hard, trying to dredge up a memory explaining how he knew, but just couldn't for some reason.
"Come to think of it, how do you fight so well? You messed the elves up bad back at Kupa Keep. None of us can fight that good." Butters pushed, extremely curious about his friend's strange talents.
Dane thought again, his head started to hurt as he desperately pushed to remember, but try as he might, he couldn't recall anything, not even a fragment. "I don't know. I've always just known how to fight. At the other towns I've lived I got into scraps with bullies, I've never really though where it came from before, just focused on the fighting and what came after." Dane explained. "Something new happened when I was fighting the elves too, after being hurt pretty badly I flew into some kind of berserker rage, I didn't feel any pain up until the fight ended, and after that it hit me all at once."
Butters was at a loss for words. "That's...kind of scary."
Dane silently agreed, and things were deathly quiet after that.
Soon the forest shook with the sounds of the approaching beast, roars accompanying them. Butters shrieked but was muffled by Dane's hand clamping over his mouth before they could be spotted. The bear they were hunting then entered the clearing, and Dane was awed by the sight of it.
It was some sort of albino, and it was big. Its white fur shimmered in the light that poured from the canopy, making it appear to shine. Scars were littered across its hide, and its eyes were a deep crimson, shining with intelligence. It sniffed around, apparently looking for something. Dane tensed and Butters let out a muffled whimper.
"Please don't let it smell us." Dane prayed desperately.
His prayers were answered when the bear instead smelled the salmon in the trap and moved towards it. The albino sniffed and then began taking a few bites, then suddenly the trap sprang.
Unfortunately, the albino snapped his head back, the trap apparently too small to catch him in time. The bear roared and began sniffing, then growled low as it caught the scent of the two boys that had tried to kill it, it then charged toward them. The two boys screamed and ran madly away, entering the clearing in a blind rush to get away. The two jumped up on a nearby boulder to get some distance from the angry albino, who roared at them and tried to climb the boulder, even slamming into it to knock it down
"Whatta we do?!" Butters wailed. Dane grabbed a hold of him.
"Butters calm down. We'll be fine, okay? We just need to kill it." Dane said.
"WHAT?! WE CAN'T KILL A BEAR! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Butters cried louder, Dane shook him.
"BUTTERS LISTEN! We can't run away, we'll just be easy prey that way. We NEED to kill it, and I have a plan how. I'll go down there and draw its attention from the front and avoid its claws while you wail on his ass with your hammer and break its legs. After that it'll be easy to kill it. Understand?" Dane explained.
Butters had calmed a bit, but was still nervous. "B-B-But what if I screw up or -"
"You won't screw up Butters, just wack its legs. Now, ready on 1, 2, 3!" Dane said, jumping down and wacking the bear in the eye with his scimitar. This enrage it and caused it to chase after him. Butters, shaking, calmed down the boulder and hid behind it, waiting for the right moment. Dane, meanwhile, dodged the bear's blows nimbly, as if he had been doing it all his life, jumping and rolling around the bear's claws until he had been cornered in front of a tree, the bear readying itself to pounce. Seeing that this was his chance, Butters ran forward and bashed the albino in the ass with his hammer a few times in rapid succession, trying to break his bones. The bear roared bashed Butters in the face with its behind, sending him flying into a tree and then flopping on to the ground.
"BUTTERS!" Dane yelled, rolling out of the way as the bear finally lunged at him. Dane then tried to retreat to the boulder, but the bear blocked his way, swatting the ground with its paw. Dane then began thinking of a plan, any plan that could get them out of this.
"If I could just get at that things throat or something then this would be easy." Dane thought, then finally came up with a plan. He shifted his run toward the direction of a tree, and ran faster than he ever had before, the albino in hot pursuit. As he reached the tree, Dane adjusted his step so that he would run up it, and did. He ran upwards until gravity caught up with him halfway up, then vaulted before he could fall and fell towards the back of the bear, hoping to get on its back so he could then slit its throat with his sword.
The albino was clever though, having lived many years, it could spy a tactic like this. And so it quickly sprang up and knocked Dane away with its back, throwing him on to the clearing's floor and skipping him like a stone into a tree trunk. Dane moaned as his body filled with pain, his sword laying in front of him. The bear huffed and moved towards him, intent on devouring the foolish cub who thought he could kill the apex predator of the forest.
Unexpectedly, a harsh wail filled the area and before the bear could react, something dense and heavy slammed into his testicles, utterly destroying them.
The bear couldn't even muster a roar and merely let out a pitiful whimper as it collapsed, shaking the ground. Dane looked up confused, then saw Butters standing a few feet behind the bear, gasping and his hand in a throwing position.
Grabbing his sword Dane prepared to get up when suddenly the bear beat him to it and shot up, roaring murder and turning towards Butters, his bloodshot eyes tearing into his soul.
Butters pissed himself and broke into a run, desperate trying to get away from the beast that wanted him dead. Dane shot up and jumped on to the albino's back before he could take off, the latter not noticing, lost in its rage. Dane began prodding at it with his scimitar, desperately trying to kill him before he caught his friend. The bear crashed through trees and bushes as it chased the poor blonde boy, who was giving his all to keep ahead of it, but his strength was limited and the bear began to close in. Dane gave up on stabbing and put all his strength into slicing, slamming the blade's edge hard into the albino's hide. After a few hits the blade snapped in half. Dane cursed but then noticed that it was now much more sharp, like a real blade.
Dane wasted no time and took the blade's hilt in both hands, and stabbed into the back of the bear's neck. The bear roared in pain, finally noticing Dane. He began to buck, trying to throw the boy off, but Dane held fast on to the bear's fur, and continued to stab with a single hand, causing blood to flow from the bear's back and neck. The bear's thrashing seemed to slow, but then in one quick motion he rushed up, putting all his remaining strength in throwing Dane off, it succeeded, the boy flew into the air. He still held on to his blade though and looked down, seeing that the bear was right below him, apparently being too hurt to run anymore. Dane smiled and got into a downward thrust position, his blade ready as he fell back down. The boy's weapon slammed into the bear's skull, and blood spurted like a fountain from it. The albino collapsed, broken.
Dane climbed down from the bear's back and saw Butters in front of him. The two looked at each other silently until both burst into laughter happy to be alive.