AN: At long last, Teal Zircon gets an episode to herself! In fact, she'll be getting two this season, because she's just so much fun to write. Yeah, she can be insensitive and act like an annoying little kid, but at the end of the day, she wouldn't hurt a fly! In fact, the fly would put up more of a fight. In short, get ready for a lot of laughs with Teal around, and maybe a few other surprises here and there too.

Synopsis: Teal Zircon is recruited to star in a commercial for Little Homeschool.

Cast:

Amy Sedaris as Teal Zircon

Estelle as Garnet

Michaela Dietz as Amethyst

Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl

Atticus Shaffer as Peedee

Shelby Rabara as Peridot, Squaridot

Jennifer Paz as Lapis, Zuli

Uzo Aduba as Bismuth

Kimberly Brooks as Jasper, Rude Commercial Narrator

Lauren Ash as White Topaz

Noël Wells as Black Rutile

Alex Newell as Monazite

Steven Universe Alternate Future: Little Homeworld Life

Chapter 5: But Wait, There's More!

"UP YOURS, DELMARVA!" a commercial loudly insulted the viewers as the Crystal Gems watched the taunting advertisement. "If you're dumb enough to buy some refrigerators this weekend, you're stupid enough to come on over to Big Kim's Appliances! Overly expensive products, absolute garbage, fees!" she bellowed while the commercial demonstrated how crummy the store's products were. "We don't care what you think; YOU NEED THESE REFRIGERATORS! We believe that you are so woefully idiotic that you'll buy any piece of trash we'll sell you, GUARANTEED! If you think we're ripping you off, THEN GET OUT YOU HOPELESS, LIFELESS MOTHERF-"

"Okay, I think that's enough of these commercials." Pearl interrupted the announcer by shutting off the TV. "Now, I presented this overly persuasive advertisement to you all today because Little Homeschool has been experiencing a bit of a slump lately." To demonstrate, Pearl then unveiled a graph revealing the growing lack of Gems attending the school, which was far lower than average. "Ever since Steven left us, the school hasn't seen much attendance lately, and it's starting to look very concerning."

"Good, the fewer thralls, the better!" Black Rutile jeered at her archenemies while passing them by with a crate full of machine parts.

"Nobody invited you to this meeting." Garnet coldly told the Rutile. "Now leave."

"I just felt like insulting you anyways." Black Rutile grumbled as she kept walking. "Got better things to do today."

"Anyways, it seems many Gems came here because they were attracted to Steven's kindness and charisma." Pearl continued her speech. "Without him around, we need to find a way to replicate that personality so we can attract more students. Any ideas?"

"We need big signs." Garnet coolly suggested. "Big signs always mean big crowds."

"But we need to attract Gems from all across the universe." Pearl proclaimed. "We need a sign that big for everyone to see!"

"I don't know, maybe an open house or something?" Lapis then added. "I can help make pamphlets, and we can pass them out."

"Hm, that would take a lot of time, though." Pearl pondered. "Any other ideas?"

"Ooh, let's make our own commercial!" Amethyst eagerly replied. "Just like that refrigerator one!"

"I agree with Amethyst here." Jasper concurred with her surrogate sister. "Plus, that lady in the ad sounded awfully familiar."

"But who do we make into our spokes-Gem?" Bismuth asked. "I mean, Lapis and Jasper sure ain't person people, and Peridot would just make the ad all about her."

"I'm standing right here, you know!" Peridot complained. "I think out of all of us, Garnet, Amethyst, or Pearl would be the best for our advertisement since they are far more familiar with Earth than any of us could ever hope to be."

"You raise a good point, Peridot, but I have a different Gem in mind." Garnet proclaimed before she looked at White Topaz sitting next to her. "White Topaz, we need Teal Zircon. Have her brought to us ASAP!"

"Yes, ma'am!" White Topaz obediently saluted. "Uh, what for?"

"Ooh, I'm so excited you picked me for your ad!" Teal Zircon cheered gratefully as the Crystal Gems became a film crew with Peridot, White Topaz, and Amethyst on sound, Lapis and Jasper working the lights, Bismuth making props, Garnet holding the clapperboard, and Pearl in the director's seat. "I'll have you know; I was a real mean advertiser before the Rebellion because everyone says I have high energy and an eccentric personality."

"That's exactly what we need for this commercial, Teal!" Pearl replied before turning to the Gems' chosen cameraman. "Okay, Peedee, are you ready?"

"Hang on, Miss Pearl, just need to make sure the camera's just right." Peedee Fryman replied as he took off the lens cap on his video camera and made some final adjustments. "Okay, here goes nothing!"

"Understood." Garnet nodded before bringing out the clapperboard. "New Little Homeworld commercial starring Teal Zircon, take one!" she announced before clapping it shut. "Action!"

"They have brought down an entire regime with words instead of lethal force." Teal Zircon began narrating over a montage of the Crystal Gems in a goofy Spanish accent. "They saved all life, the universe, and everything more times than you can count on your fingers. They're some of the biggest celebrities in the known universe. These are the most interesting Gems in the world."

The scene then transitioned to Teal reclining on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace while holding a bottle of wine in her hand. "I don't usually hang around on Earth, but when I do, it's learning how to live my life at Little Homeschool." She declared, still with the Spanish accent. "Stay fusing, my friends."

"And cut!" Garnet announced with another clap of the clapperboard, ending the commercial. "Good work there, Teal, though I have no idea where the fireplace came from."

"Yeah, and is that bear rug made from a real bear?" Pearl asked while picking up the rug. "And is that wine?!"

"Yeah, the wine is real. The bear isn't." Teal explained. "I have a knack for pulling out props when the situation calls for it."

"Yeah, but this is totally unlike the vibe we're going for!" Amethyst stated. "We're supposed to teach Gems to abandon their conquering ways, not encourage them to be swingers!"

"Ooh, that reminds me, I think we could use a swingset somewhere around here." Pearl sidetracked the discussion.

"Uh, Pearl, I don't think that's what Amethyst means." Lapis pointed out Pearl's error.

"Ew." Pearl reeled in disgust once she realized what she had just said. "Well, what else can we do?"

"I think I might have a few ideas." Teal declared before pulling a cricket bat out of her gem. "Cricket?"

"Cricket?!" Peridot complained about the idea. "Nobody understands cricket! You must know what a crumpet is to comprehend cricket!"

"Yeah, sounded a lot better in my head." Teal immediately agreed and threw the bat away. "Okay, I got a better idea!"

"New Little Homeworld commercial starring Teal Zircon, take two!" Garnet announced. "Action!"

"Hello, Gems." Teal greeted her audience in a heavy, baritone voice while standing in a bathroom and wearing a towel around her waist. "Look at yourself, now back to me. Now look back at yourself, back to me. The yourself you once knew is gone, and that can be helped at Little Homeschool." She declared. "Look down, back up. Where are you now?" Teal asked while changing her form into sailing attire as the setting changed into a maritime one.

"You're now on a boat with the Gem your gem could look like! Now look at your hand, and what do you see?" she asked again before presenting a box of donuts. "I have it now, and it's a box of donuts from the Big Donut! Now look again; the donuts are now solid gold!" After Teal revealed the golden donuts in the box, the scene then slowly changed to the Zircon riding on Jasper's back on the beach. "Anything is possible when you come on down to Little Homeworld, where you can learn not to be a genocidal conqueror! I'm riding on a Jasper."

"I don't know what just happened, but I hate this." Jasper said in a mix of confusion and quiet outrage as the shooting ended.

"How is she doing this?!" Pearl exclaimed as Teal got off Jasper's back. "One moment she was standing in a bathroom, the next she was on a boat with that box of gold donuts, and finally she was on Jasper's back! Can she warp reality to her whims, or is it all an illusion?!"

"I don't know either, but this is really entertaining." Garnet smiled. "But still not what we're looking for. Maybe we should do a little more wholesome."

"How wholesome are we talking here?" Peedee asked Garnet.

"Maybe loud and inviting, yet still super friendly." Bismuth answered. "What do you think, Teal?"

"I mean, I have good ideas, but I'm willing to try anything once." TZ reluctantly agreed with her fellow Crystal Gems.

"Hi, Teal Zircon for Little Homeschool!" Teal Zircon energetically introduced herself while wearing a blue polo shirt and khakis and having shapeshifted herself a thick beard. "The one-stop place for all Gems to let go of their problematic pasts and make a change for the better! Just look at all the activities we're offering!"

"Good thing Greg happened to have those clothes lying around." Pearl muttered behind the camera as Teal continued her explanation.

"We got all kinds of art classes, like painting and sculpturing!" Teal exclaimed boisterously. "There's also yoga, swimming, fashion, technology, self-defense, and so much more! Just look at all these satisfied Gems!"

"I was a constant threat to the Crystal Gems, but thanks to Little Homeschool, I now have a healthier way of expressing my anger." Jasper said flatly. "Thanks, Little Homeschool."

"For most of my life, I was but a humble servant who had no personality of my own." White Topaz added. "But after going to Little Homeschool, I finally found someone who loves me for me!"

"I was formerly a Peridot in service to the great Hessonite who antagonized the Crystal Gems in their quest for the Light Prism" Squaridot proclaimed. "But after some soul-searching, I became a vigilante sidekick before finding my one true place here!"

"I was forced to come here against my will." Black Rutile grumbled. "Wait, how did I even get in this commercial anyways?! I was just in my house!"

"Another satisfied customer!" Teal exclaimed while showing Black Rutile away from the camera. "If you ever feel like attending, come on down to your local Warp Pad and see all there is to see on this wonderful planet, guaranteed!"

"And that's a wrap!" Pearl exclaimed as Peedee finished recording. "Wonderful job, Teal, I think we finally have our commercial!"

"Aw, that's it?" Teal moaned in disappointment. "I got so much to show you! I got illusion powers, meaning I can create anything, which is why I did so many cool things for all the previous takes!" With a mere snap of her fingers, Teal took off the polo & khakis and reappeared in a bright flash of light dressed in a jester outfit. "Like this, for example, puddin'!"

"Okay, that certainly explains a lot." Amethyst realized. "What else can you make?"

"Oh, like you wouldn't believe!" Teal exclaimed before changing out of her jester getup and transforming the set into a disco club, complete with everyone dressed in appropriate attire. "Come on, everybody, shake your groove things!"

"Oh goody, the seventies." Pearl grimaced at her current attire as Peridot began cackling at the taller Gem.

"Oh my stars, did your hair seriously look like that during that time period?!" Peridot laughed and pointed at Pearl's big afro.

"I was going through a phase!" Pearl yelled at Amethyst as the setting changed to a sinking ship. "Now what?!"

"My friends, it's been an honor playing with you." Teal solemnly said before she pulled out a violin to play while the ship began sinking to the bottom.

"Can ya hold still for a sec?!" Bismuth yelled. "We're excellent as is; no need to keep throwing all this at us!"

"But I got so much more to show off!" Teal declared as she began flipping through even more illusory settings for the Gems to examine, though the speed at which she presented them proved to be very overwhelming very quickly. It wasn't until someone told her to stop that Teal slowed down.

"WE SAID CUT IT OUT!" Jasper roared in Teal's face, sending the Zircon falling over as everything returned to normal. "How about we take five for a bit?"

"Okay, guys, whatever you say." A stunned Teal agreed before picking herself up and walking away, her hair blown back by Jasper's yell before she straightened it back to normal.

"Don't you think you were a little harsh, honey bear?" White Topaz asked Jasper.

"I know. I gotta work on my anger issues." Jasper replied to her girlfriend. "But seriously, that Zircon really gets on my nerves! She's like an annoying little kid who never knows when to shut up!"

"Come on, Jasper, no need to be so callous." Peridot added. "Though you are kind of right, Teal Zircon possesses a rather prepubescent mindset and doesn't know how to read the room. She just needs to learn how to grow up a little."

"Think she'll be back?" Lapis wondered to the others.

"I'll go look for her." Peedee declared and walked away in search of the Zircon.

"I guess that's an actor's life for me." Teal Zircon mused to herself while lying down on a bench. "You think I'm coming off too strong, me? Yeah, me, maybe I should tone it down a bit."

"Are you talking to yourself?" Peedee asked Teal as he found her on the bench and sat beside her. "Don't want to be rude, but you're kinda weird."

"Yeah, I get that a lot." Teal replied tonelessly. "I didn't have that many friends before joining the Crystal Gems because everyone thought I was too obnoxious, so I kept acting out, hoping that someone would find me funny."

"Well, did anyone find you funny?" Peedee asked again.

"Rose certainly did, which is how I joined the CGs." Teal answered. "Or was it Pink Diamond that found me funny? Man, learning that my former boss turned out to be a Diamond in disguise makes everything really confusing now." She then sat up next to Peedee. "But even now, I'm not sure if this kind of behavior is winning me any favors, especially with Jasper."

"Well, you tried taking it down a notch?" Peedee suggested. "I mean, I get you want to make yourself known, but maybe you should be a little more subdued in your advertising."

"Yeah, maybe you're right!" Teal declared in realization as she sprung up from the bench. "I should try to be more chill! Thanks, Peepee!"

"Um, it's Peedee!" Peedee corrected for Teal, but she was too busy running towards the film set to hear him. "Then again, I never did tell her my name. Eh, whatevs."

"Guys, I'm ready to start shooting again!" Teal exclaimed to the Crystal Gems as she returned to the set. "And this time, I think I got it!"

"Oh, that's wonderful, Teal!" Pearl cheered with a little clap. "Uh, what do you have anyways?"

"It!" Teal answered. "I just gotta be a little more subdued! You know, it!"

"If we knew what it was exactly, we'd understand what you were talking about." Jasper responded sourly before Lapis smacked her in the head.

"She's saying she wanted to take this in a different direction." Lapis stated. "Didn't she make that clear?"

"Okay, fine." Jasper answered. "But this better not get weird like all the last times!"

The new commercial opened on a wide aerial shot of Little Homeworld with a chintzy logo of Little Homeschool over it. Then it cut to Teal Zircon standing next to a leaking water tank while holding a piece of tape. "Hi, Teal Zircon here for Little Homeschool. The place where you could find inner peace and tape your life back together!" To emphasize her point, Teal slapped the tape onto the leaking tank in slow motion. "In just a few short months, you can become a new Gem, unlike the one you were before!"

The commercial then transitioned to the pasts of some of its students, like Jasper, White Topaz, the Lapis twins, Topaz, and Emerald. "Wow, take a look at all these Gems! Forced fusion, subservient to a sociopathic revolutionary, terraforming, capturing humans, subjugating planets, that's a lot of damage! But now, with Little Homeschool, they've all changed their lives for the better!"

After another montage of the Gems in their current states, it returned to Teal posing by the pool where Zuli was doing laps. "We got all sorts of activities you can do here. In fact, I'm right behind one of them right now!"

"When did you get here?" Zuli asked Teal while emerging from the pool.

"Unimportant!" Teal commented excitedly as Zuli threw a towel over her shoulder. "But what isn't unimportant is the lifelong connections you can make here! Who knows, maybe you could even become part of a fusion for life, like this big missy over here!" She then gestured over to a hologram of Fluorite. "Check this out, six Gems in one giant caterpillar! Isn't that amazing?!"

As the commercial concluded, Teal was then shown sawing a rowboat in half. "I just sawed a boat in half!" she happily declared. "Because it's evocative of the Gem you could become at Little Homeworld! Operators are standing by right now to enroll you today! Call now, and you'll get a free T-shirt with your new schedule!"

"We don't have an operator, or free T-shirts!" Amethyst called from offscreen before the cameras stopped rolling.

"Outstanding Teal, though, is this supposed to be your idea of subdued?" Peridot asked.

"Indeed, she was a little less high energy, but still very upbeat." Garnet added. "I thought you said you wanted to be more subdued."

"But I was being subdued!" Teal complained, offended that she wasn't being respected for trying the best she could. "What, was not doing what you wanted me to do not enough for you guys?!"

"Teal, you don't understand!" Pearl exclaimed before Teal began stomping away in a huff. "Please, come back!"

"You'll be hearing from my agent about this!" Teal bellowed without even turning around.

"You don't even have an agent!" Jasper yelled back. "Geez, she can be so irritating sometimes."

"Well, maybe it's because she wants attention, but doesn't know how to get it without making a scene a lot." Peedee deduced. "I mean, she did tell me that she acted that way because she didn't have many friends on Homeworld."

"Well, if you guys have apparently become friends, then why don't you talk to her?" Lapis suggested to the young Fryman son.

"I'll see what I can do." Peedee declared as he once again walked away in search of Teal.

"I swear, I'm doing what they wanted!" Teal muttered to herself. "Am I just not satisfying enough?"

"Hey, Teal, can I talk to you about what just happened?" Peedee asked the Zircon as she turned to notice him standing behind her. "You doing alright?"

"Oh no, I'm perfectly fine, Deedee!" Teal proclaimed before immediately correcting herself. "Okay, I'm actually lying because I still feel like I barely have any friends here."

"Yeah, I can see where you're coming from." Peedee replied. "Like, Steven was a pretty close friend of mine when he still lived in Beach City, but then we just pretty much drifted apart as he got wrapped up in more crazy adventures while I'm kinda left in the dust. So yeah, I kinda understand you being so lonely."

"Yeah, having to air out all of Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond's dirty laundry can really take up a lot of time." Teal concurred. "So what should I do now? Maybe learn to read the room better so I can make friends?"

"I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with what I just said, but yeah, maybe you should." Peedee replied. "Let's bring you back so you can make up with them."

"Sure." Teal agreed. "You're a good kid, Deepee."

"You know what, I think I'll let it slide this time." Peedee laughed as the two began walking back to the set.

"So, there goes our lead actor." Pearl mused as the gang began packing up the set while Teal and Peedee were talking. "I suppose we can make do with what we still have, though the question remains which one to use?"

"I like the one where Teal had the beard!" Amethyst exclaimed. "That one made me laugh!"

"I personally found the one with the boat quite entertaining." Garnet provided her opinion on the finished commercials. "It's easy to be taken out of context."

"Hello, Gems." Black Rutile purred as she appeared from behind the camera. "If your leading Gem is out of the picture, then are you in the market for a replacement, perhaps?" she suggested. "I happen to possess many qualities for an ideal spokeswoman, like charisma, energy, a commanding presence, and a pretty face too."

"Are you going to turn this into a propaganda video?" Bismuth asked as Black Rutile began recording herself on Peedee's camera.

"Oh my, how could you possibly have guessed?" Black Rutile chuckled before clearing her throat. "Greetings, Gems of the universe, I am Black Rutile! Former pilot turned right-hand of White Diamond turned freedom fighter against the tyrannical Crystal Gems, and I am here to give you the offer of a lifetime!"

"Called it." Bismuth grumbled as the Gems dumbfoundedly watched Black Rutile's attempt at advertising.

"For too long now have we suffered under the iron-fisted rule of the monstrous Steven Universe and his Crystal Gems hive mind!" Black Rutile continued speaking. "However, I, a humble veteran cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate, saw through the corruption these peace-loving beasts have infected our mighty society with and brainwashed trillions to their cause! Steven has vouchsafed us his twisted, possessive idea of love and tolerance at the expense of many hard-working Gems and every planet under the Diamonds' thumb. Now, it's time we come together right now to fight back against this crystalline threat and restore our species to order with me as your fearless leader!"

"Hey, are you making another commercial without me?!" Teal yelled from offscreen as she zoomed in front of the camera and knocked Black Rutile over. "I got another thing to say!"

"I was in the middle of something, you infernal advertiser!" Black Rutile yelled with a teal foot to her face. "Now get off of me!"

"What do you have to say now?" Pearl asked Teal.

"Well, I just wanna say I'm sorry for how I acted just now." Teal apologized for her behavior. "Thanks to Peedee here, I think I should know better to read the room and be more considerate of others. He's a good kid."

"Thanks, Teal." Peedee replied gratefully. "Now, are we ready to get this going again?!"

"You bet!" Teal proclaimed eagerly. "Make sure to get my good side!"

"Okay, let's do this one last time." Pearl accepted what was going on now. "Places, please!"

"Hi, it's Teal Zircon with Little Homeschool!" Teal introduced herself while wearing a headset and holding an absorbent towel. "Now Little Homeschool is a lot like this absorbent towel here, because they both can drain every drop of your bad side dry and leave nothing behind, like so!"

To demonstrate, Teal dipped the towel into a small bucket of water that seemed to empty the moment the towel went in instantly. "It's like a towel, a sponge, or maybe a school that'll help you get away from your bad self so you can truly make a change for the better!"

As Teal continued speaking, a montage began playing of some of Little Homeschool's various students. "This is for the Rubies, the Lapises, the Jaspers, the Emeralds, the fusions; Little Homeschool was established only a few years ago, but business has been booming since then, and we've been able to provide a home for all of its students too!" she declared. "So come on down to Earth today in the solar system and see how you too can become a student of the one and only Crystal Gems!"

"Or join the Rutile Rebels and fight for freedom for all Gems!" Black Rutile exclaimed as she freed her face from Teal Zircon's foot and hastily got up, but the commercial ended before she could finish.

Once filming had ended, the Gems decided to edit together every commercial they filmed starring Teal Zircon because nobody could choose which to use. Ultimately, business began speeding up again thanks to their new advertisement.

"Hello, Gems. Teal Zircon for Little Homeschool! The place where you could find inner peace and tape your life back together! We got all kinds of art classes, like painting and sculpturing! Little Homeschool was established only a few years ago, but business has been booming since then, and we've been able to provide a home for all of its students too! If you ever feel like attending, then come on down to your local Warp Pad and see all there is to see on this wonderful planet, guaranteed! Stay fusing, my friends."

"Well, guys, it looks like we finally got our commercial!" Pearl exclaimed as their completed ad aired on television across the country and the universe. "And it's all thanks to you, Teal!"

"Please, you're making me blush!" Teal replied nervously. "So, who do you suppose we'll bring in with this?"

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see." Garnet adjusted her glasses with a grin before the Crystal Gems all heard the Warp Pad hum. "A new student, come on, everyone!"

When the Gems raced to the Warp Pad, they were greeted by a little brown Gem who had her gem replacing her nose and wore brown overalls. "Hey, uh, my name's Monazite. Is this Little Homeschool?"

"Let me guess, did our ad send you here?" Teal Zircon asked. Monazite nodded. "Then welcome to the party!"

Thus brings an end to this chapter. Yet as the title implies, but wait, there's more! We got eight more chapters left til we can end the first season, and I can assure you that you're in for a real treat! As for the next chapter, well to give you a hint, you've seen the Amphibia episode Civil Wart, right? Well, this time, it's a shipping war related to Camp Pining Hearts, plus a reference to a certain incident in the SU fandom from years ago that I've been wanting to do for ages. See you later!