I woke in a panic, unsure where I was. I heard screaming, and it took a few beats for me to realize I was the one doing the screaming.
"Babe," Ranger said in total darkness, pulling me tight to him. "Breathe. You're dreaming."
I gasped for air, sitting up with my hand resting over my heart. Ranger turned on the bedside lamp. We were safely tucked in bed in Ranger's Maine cottage.
"Bad nightmare, huh?" he said, looking concerned.
I nodded. It had been awful. I'd been dreaming I was back at the hotel in Iowa.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," I said. "I'm fine. Sorry I woke you like this," I apologized.
"It's not your fault," he said, pulling me back down under the burgundy, green, and golden quilt. "Try to relax. Deep breaths."
I closed my eyes and did some deep breathing as Ranger held me close and rubbed my arm. I laid my head on Ranger's chest, and I noticed his heart was racing, too.
"Sorry I scared you," I said, placing my hand over his heart.
"It doesn't matter," he said. "I'm glad you're alright."
We laid together in silence. Minutes passed, but I found myself unable to sleep. Eventually Ranger's heartbeat steadied, but he didn't seem to be sleeping either.
"Are you awake?" I whispered quietly.
"Yes. Can't sleep?" he asked.
"No," I admitted.
"Do you want to get up?" he asked. "We can have a cup of tea. Go for a walk. Read."
"No, you should go back to sleep," I said. "I'll eventually sleep."
I laid with my eyes closed mentally counting sheep, starting at 100. I'd counted three rounds of sheep by the time I'd grown frustrated with not sleeping.
"Babe," Ranger said, chuckling softly as he sensed my frustration.
"Too much on my mind," I sighed. "Counting sheep didn't work."
"Turn over," Ranger said, scooting away from me.
I did as I'd been told, and he began rubbing my back and shoulders. It felt great.
"Your hands are magic," I said on a sigh.
I could sense Ranger smile in the darkness.
"Ranger?" I asked.
"Hmm?"
I let the silence sit between us as he rubbed my back. I tried to gather the thoughts that were threatening to spill out of me into some kind of logical remarks.
"I'm scared," I finally admitted, ashamed.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Yeah."
A few beats of silence sat between us.
"Of me?" he asked cautiously.
"Of course not."
"Tell me more?" he asked hesitantly.
I took a cleansing breath.
"I'm scared to have an abortion."
A pregnant pause sat between us.
"I'm afraid what god will think," I continued. "And I know you gave your blessing, but I'm scared you won't love me if I do it."
He absorbed the information I'd shared, but he didn't respond.
"On the other hand, I'm afraid of being a shitty mom. I can barely take care of myself. How am I going to raise another human being? I'm not programmed for motherhood."
I was embarrassed as a few tears leaked out of my eyes into my pillow, but I mentally blamed my apparent pregnancy hormones.
"And what if the baby has problems from the drugs?" I asked. "I don't know anything about drugs except they're bad for people. That has to be true for babies, too."
Ranger covered my back with the blankets and flipped them off of my feet. He began rubbing a foot with his large, strong hand.
"Anything else scare you?" he asked.
I laughed a humorless laugh.
"Everything, now."
"What do you mean?" he asked, his voice gentle.
I sighed.
"Losing you. Disappointing my family and friends. Being raped again. Debt. Being too self-centered. Being too selfish. My job. Not being smart enough…"
"Babe," Ranger sighed. "You're overthinking. Take a breath."
"Am I, though?" I asked.
"I think we need to focus on processing one thing at a time. Of course, you're feeling overwhelmed—that's a laundry list you just got off your chest. Some of them are legitimate fears, but others are unfounded."
A long, weighty pause sat between us as Ranger rubbed my other foot.
"I'm a disaster," I said on a sob.
"Babe," said Ranger, covering my feet with the blanket.
"I've spent a long time in survival mode. I've only had to worry about myself. Paying the rent, paying the next bill…. I've managed to do my job unscathed for quite a few years thanks to you. Despite a few gunshot wounds, lots of bruises, a ton of toasted cars, and more rides in a trunk than I'd like to admit, I've fared okay. But now, I'm afraid to go back to the only job I know. And I'm knocked up. What kind of a bounty hunter takes down skips while pregnant?"
Ranger turned on his bedside lamp and sat with his back against the headboard.
"Come here," he said.
"Can it wait thirty seconds?" I asked, sniffling. "I have to tinkle."
He laughed.
"Absolutely."
I made a quick trip to the bathroom, then returned to the bedroom. Ranger opened his arms to me, and I sat between his legs with my back to his chest. He drew the covers over us and wrapped his arms around my waist. He placed a soft kiss on my shoulder.
"First and foremost," he started, "I am a man of my word. When I told you that I was comfortable with you getting an abortion, I meant it. I won't love you any less or think any less of you if you prefer to go that route. I recognize what a life-altering event parenthood can be for a mom. I can't speak for god on his thoughts on the matter, though—that is between you two."
I sighed.
"You could speak to a priest or spiritual leader if you thought that might help you process your feelings about it," he said.
"I guess," I said, mentally cataloguing that idea for later.
"In my opinion, you'd be a great mother," Ranger continued. "I've seen the love and care you've given Rex and Bob. The love you've given me. You may not realize it, but you've got motherly instincts. You're kind and compassionate, not to mention smart and energetic. You've got what it takes if you choose to do it."
"Oh crap," I said, wiping away tears. "Are these hormones? Are pregnancy hormones real? I feel like a blubbering idiot."
Ranger laughed lightly and kissed my hair. We sat quietly, gathering our thoughts.
"If you want to be a mom, I'll do the dad-thing alongside you. We can get a nanny or find daycare if you want to keep working. I know I made mistakes with Julie. I was too young, too career-focused. Ron is the father I wasn't to her, and I've stayed in her life to the extent it's been convenient for me with little consideration for her feelings or needs. I'm grateful for all Ron and Rachel have done for Julie. If I have the opportunity to be a father again, I'll do it right. I've put in my time getting Rangeman established. Now, I'm in a position where I can step back to let the people I've hired do their jobs."
"Even if it hasn't been perfect, Julie is lucky to have you in her life," I acknowledged. "You two share a special bond, and she knows you care for her. She's a great kid."
"She is," he admitted.
I relaxed back into Ranger and tangled my fingers with his.
"I share your concerns about the baby and the drugs," Ranger said softly, his voice growing serious. "I've done some reading on the subject, and I think we're both right to worry."
"What did you learn?" I asked somberly, unsure if I wanted to know the answer.
"Your withdrawal can cause a lot of issues if we don't manage it carefully. Depression, miscarriage, stillbirth, early labor. Because of the nature of illegal drug use, there aren't a lot of studies on the effects of heroin on a fetus in utero, but empirical evidence suggests an increase in birth defects, neural tube defects, low birthweight, brain deficits…"
He trailed off, his voice sad.
"None of that sounds good," I choked.
"No," he said, placing a hand on my waist beneath the covers. "It's not."
He nuzzled into my neck as I considered the information he'd shared.
"Thank you for reading up on it," I said, wiping a lingering tear from my cheek.
"Of course," he said. "We need to know what we're dealing with. If I'm being totally honest, I don't know the right thing to do in this situation."
"Me either," I whispered. "But I don't think I could live with myself if I had an abortion."
Ranger's arms tightened around me, and he kissed my neck.
"I love you," I said, closing my eyes.
"I love you, too," he said. "Thank you for sharing your worries with me."
"Mmm…"
"Do you want to go on an adventure with me, babe?" Ranger asked.
"Now?" I asked.
"Yes."
I did some mental knuckle-cracking. It was pitch black and cold outside, but I knew I should trust Ranger.
"Sure," I said, interested to see what kind of experience Ranger had in mind.
"You'll need to dress warm," he said. "I'll make us coffee."
Ranger pulled on his clothes from the previous day, opting for socks and boots instead of flip flops. I pulled on jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, one of Ranger's sweatshirts, socks, and tennis shoes.
Ranger stood in the kitchen brewing coffee when I emerged from the bedroom.
"Babe, grab a flashlight by the front door. Make sure it works."
I ventured into the small living room and found a flashlight. I checked the batteries, and sure enough, the flashlight lit up.
When I returned to the kitchen, Ranger had a fleece blanket tossed over his shoulder and a stocking hat in his hand.
"You'll probably want this," he said, extending the hat to me.
"Thanks," I said with a smile.
I pulled the hat over my bed-head as Ranger poured the coffee into travel mugs.
"Let's go," he said, a small smile playing at his lips. "We don't want to be late."
Ranger led the way with the blanket and coffee, and I followed close by, shining the flashlight to light our path. We stepped onto the road in front of the house and walked a few hundred yards, passing several other small cottages and a barn. Eventually, the road ended. Ranger led me on a small footpath between the two adjoining properties to a small set of wooden stairs that led to a rocky beach.
"Careful on the stairs," he said. "The dew can make them slick."
We carefully descended the stairs, and Ranger led me to a large, flat rock. He placed the coffee cups on the rock, then hoisted me up onto it. He hopped up next, sitting on the rock. I settled between his legs, pulling my knees to my chest in the cold air. He wrapped us in the blanket and handed me a cup of coffee.
"Shut off the flashlight," he said softly.
I did has he asked and allowed my eyes to adjust to the blackness. The moon had disappeared from the sky, and the night was nearly pitch black. Stars twinkled in the sky, and I could hear waves on the rocks in the distance. I slowly sipped at my coffee, taking it easy since my stomach hadn't been fond of the stuff the day prior.
As we sat, I realized the sky was growing lighter and the stars were fading. I heard men's voices in the distance, and I jumped.
"Babe, it's fine," he said, rubbing my arm and holding me tight. "We're safe here. It's the lobstermen. They are taking dinghies out to their lobster boats."
I heard a small engine catch in the distance, then saw a light on a small boat far off. Their laughter carried over to us, and I relaxed.
"They go to work early," I observed.
"They work with the tide," he said. "Some days are early, other days they work in the afternoon."
The sun began peeking over the ocean in the distance, casting its pink, orange, and golden hues across the sky. The light sparkled on the water and shimmered over the silvery rocks of the cove. Black outlines of huge evergreen trees lined the shoreline. The sight was breathtaking.
"Wow," I breathed.
Ranger rested his chin on my shoulder, staring out to the water. I glanced over and saw the golden light reflecting in his warm brown eyes. His flawless caramel skin seemed to glow in the light. He looked at peace, the worry lines that had been present only days prior having magically disappeared with some sleep and a change of scenery. His handsome features were striking in the soft morning light, and he took my breath away.
"What?" Ranger said, grinning at me. "You're staring."
"You're beautiful," I whispered.
He raised an eyebrow.
"How much heroin have you had lately?" he asked jokingly.
In response, I punched him in the chest.
"Seriously!" I said. "You're drop-dead handsome."
I turned my face to him, and our lips connected, fire igniting in my chest. I turned to straddle his legs, twisting my fingers into his hair. His tongue touched mine, and I went breathless. I pushed him onto his back on the rock, my hands on his chest. I nipped at his neck and his earlobe, and he moaned with pleasure. Our lips connected again, and I ground my pelvis into his, a low moan escaping my chest.
"Babe," he exhaled, placing his hands on my butt. "Slow down."
"I don't want to be scared of this," I said, staring into his eyes. "I know you'd never hurt me. I love you."
My lips crashed onto his once more. Ranger pulled me into him, the fabric of our jeans causing pleasant friction between us. Ranger turned my body away from him and settled me between his legs facing the sunrise.
"Are you sure you want this?" he asked me softly.
"Yes," I panted.
"You have to tell me if anything hurts," he said, nuzzling my neck. "I never want to hurt you."
He unbuttoned my jeans and slid his hand into my panties, rubbing gentle, tantalizing circles. He grazed his teeth along my shoulder, and I shuddered into his body.
"Is this okay?" he asked, kissing my earlobe.
"Mmmm…" I moaned, allowing my head to fall back against his shoulder. "Good."
He continued to work his magic, and I could feel the pressure build in my body as I felt his excitement press into my back.
"Oh," I moaned.
"You like that?" he asked, a smile playing at his lips.
"Don't you want to… you know?" I asked.
"We'll worry about me back at the house. This one is all for you, Babe."
We woke up naked in Ranger's bed. Someone was knocking on the door, and I had a throbbing headache.
"I've got it," Ranger said, climbing out of bed and tugging on his jeans.
I rolled over and pulled the covers over my head. I'd just begun to doze off again when I heard Ranger and Ximena's voices.
"Babe?" Ranger asked softly.
"Hmm?" I asked.
He pulled the covers off my face.
"Ximena has your morning medication. Can you take this now?"
I grunted a yes and sat up in bed, keeping myself covered. Ranger said something, and Ximena peered into the bedroom.
"Rise and shine, sleeping beauty," she announced.
She handed me an enormous pile of pills and a glass of water. I raised an eyebrow at her, but I said nothing. I obediently took the medication, and she slapped a patch on my arm.
"Good as new," she declared. "You need anything? Are you feeling okay?"
"I'm good, just tired," I declared, flopping back into the bed. "I didn't sleep well. Headache."
"The meds should help your head. If you're okay for now, I'm going to go for a run. I'll take my phone. Catch you in a bit."
I heard Ximena leave, and I dozed off again.
When I finally woke for the day, it was nearly ten o'clock. I dressed hastily in underwear and one of Ranger's t-shirts, stumbling awkwardly into the dining room. Ranger was sitting at the table with a mug of coffee and a newspaper. He gave me a top-to-bottom check when I emerged.
"Babe," he said, looking amused.
"Is it possible for a six-week-old baby to crush my bladder?" I asked, rushing to the bathroom. "Because I think it is."
Ranger laughed.
"I don't know, babe. Read your book," he shouted after me.
I did my business and brushed my teeth. I turned on the shower to let it get hot, and began questioning my life choices as I saw the water sputter from the faucet. I sighed in resignation, tied my hair into a messy bun to keep it dry, stripped, and quickly showered off my body as best I could with the horrid water pressure. I considered shaving, but figured the effort wasn't worth it. Once I'd finished, I felt only slightly cleaner. I dried off and wrapped myself in a dark blue towel. I scooped up the dirty clothes and exited the bathroom to find something to wear.
"Good shower?" Ranger joked, turning the page of his newspaper.
"Oh yeah. Excellent," I responded, rolling my eyes.
He laughed heartily, his eyes twinkling with mischief.
"At least you haven't fallen in the cove yet," he said, his face serious. "If you get cove water in your hair, you'll never get the smell out with that shower."
He burst into laughter again, and I playfully threw the bag of hamburger buns at him from the counter. They whacked him square in the face, and I broke into a fit of laughter too.
I dressed in denim shorts, a gray girly-cut t-shirt, Birkenstock sandals, and a lavender sweatshirt.
"Do you want to take the kayaks out?" Ranger asked from the other room. "The tide is going out, but we still have thirty or forty minutes of good paddle time before the water will be receding too far."
"Sure," I said, pulling my hair into a neat ponytail. "I've never been in a kayak."
I heard Ranger scuffing around, and when I emerged from the bedroom, I saw him up on the ladder pulling down oars from the rafters.
"Try that on for size," he said, handing me a yellow-and-black oar.
I held it awkwardly in my hands.
"What am I supposed to check?" I asked stupidly.
"The distance between the grips," he said with a smile, pulling down a second oar. "It looks like that one should be okay for you. It was set for my mom. We can adjust it in the cove if we need to."
He tossed down two lifejackets, then descended the ladder. He strapped himself into a tan lifejacket, then proceeded to strap me into a red one, adjusting the straps so it fit me appropriately. He checked his handiwork, then nodded his approval.
"Let's roll."
He exited through the back door and lifted a white lattice panel under the house, exposing three brightly colored kayaks. He selected two and pulled them out, then drug them down to the water's edge.
"This one is the most stable," he said, pointing to the red kayak. "I'll let you take this one. Climb in."
I kicked off my sandals and stepped into the kayak, sitting on the small seat. Ranger handed me my paddle, then shoved me out into the water. I bobbed there as he settled into his kayak and shoved away from the shore.
The bottom of the kayak was cold against my legs, but the sun was warming the air around us. Ranger demonstrated how to use the double-sided paddles to paddle forward, backward, and to turn. With a little practice, I was able to navigate around the cove, albeit awkwardly.
We followed the shoreline, looking at the small cottages, cabins, and barn that dotted the land. The popping of seaweed and the splash of the waves against the rocks was soothing, broken only by the chirping of birds and squawking of seagulls. We paddled to a small island and circled it, studying the majestic pines that towered over the rocky land.
"We better head back," Ranger finally said. "The tide is going out and the wind is changing."
We began paddling back toward the cottage when something caught my eye. I glanced over as a head briefly popped above the water, then splashed below the surface.
"Looks like you made a friend," Ranger said.
"What is that?" I asked, laughing.
"A seal," he explained. "They are curious."
We continued paddling back, with the seal making several additional cameo appearances before we made it to shore.
"That was great," I said as Ranger helped me step out of the kayak. "I've never done anything like that before."
"I wasn't sure if a Jersey girl would like this," he admitted. "I'm glad you don't hate it."
"I don't hate it at all," I said with a smile.
I collected my shoes and grabbed my kayak.
"Let me drag it," Ranger said. "You can take the oars."
We walked back to the house barefoot, stowed the kayaks under the house, then rinsed our feet with the hose.
"Are you hungry?" Ranger asked. "You haven't had breakfast yet."
I shrugged.
"I could eat, but I'm not starving."
Ranger considered my response.
"How do you feel about brunch?" he asked with a mischievous grin.
"I love brunch," I admitted.
"Let's go out," he declared. "It's a bit of a drive, so if you can't make it an hour without food, grab a snack."
Ranger called Ximena to invite her along, but she politely declined the offer.
I ate a banana standing over the sink and packed a granola bar into my messenger bag. We loaded up the Subaru and were on our way.
"Where are we headed?" I asked curiously.
"Machias," Ranger said with a smile. "Everything will likely be closed on Sunday, then again for the Memorial Day holiday Monday. If we want to do anything there, today is the day."
The drive was long but pretty, with lots of empty fields.
"What are these?" I asked, pointing.
"Blueberry barrens," Ranger responded. "Blueberries don't come into season here until late July and into August. Milbridge Days falls about that time. We could come up for it if you'd like."
"What's Milbridge Days?" I asked.
"Town festival," he explained. "They host a 5k, craft vendors, a lobster feed fundraiser for the fire department, library book sale, parade, petting zoo…"
"Okay," I interrupted, laughing. "I get the picture. I take it you've been before?"
He smiled.
"My parents enjoy getting out of Newark occasionally. I happened to bring them here one year during the festival, and they've come every year since, with or without me."
"Good for them."
"There is a lady who does airbrush tattoos at Milbridge Days," he said with a smile. "Maybe you could get a tramp stamp with my name."
We laughed lightheartedly at the mental image that produced.
We drove into Machias, and I was taken aback by how charming the town was. Colonial homes and old churches lined the streets, and a river flowed through the town.
"This is quaint," I proclaimed.
"I haven't spent much time here," Ranger admitted. "But I've been through a few times."
He pulled up in front of a small-town restaurant with a giant sign proclaiming, 'The Bluebird Ranch Family Restaurant.'
I looked at him expectantly.
"What's this?" I laughed.
"The best seafood Down East."
"Huh?" I asked, not understanding.
He laughed.
"They call this part of Maine 'Down East.' Most of the tourists like to go to Helen's up the road, but the food here is much better, the service is friendly, and I think you'll enjoy their dessert selection."
We strolled inside, and a pretty, dark-haired waitress seated us in a brown leather booth. The décor was nautical theme and dated, but the restaurant seemed to be clean and well-maintained. The waitress returned to us and lay menus on the table.
"Hi," she greeted. "Welcome to the Bluebird. I'm Jane. Have you been here before?"
"I have, but she's a first-timer," proclaimed Ranger.
"Oh! Well, welcome honey! We're thrilled to have you!"
Jane read off an enormous list of daily specials before asking what we'd like to drink.
"I'll take a water," Ranger said. "You should try a blueberry lemonade, Babe."
"Sure," I said with a smile. "That sounds great."
"I'll be right back with your drinks. Let me know if you have questions about the menu," the waitress said, then happily strolled away.
"Blueberry lemonade, huh?" I asked with a smile.
"Made with Wyman's blueberries," he said, winking at me. "It's the local blueberry producer. It's a big deal around here."
We studied our menus.
"If your stomach is up to it, I recommend the seafood," Ranger suggested.
The waitress returned with our drinks, and I tried my blueberry lemonade.
"Oh my god, this is to die for!" I proclaimed.
The waitress beamed.
"It's great, right? I love it, too! Have you decided what you'd like for lunch, or can I tempt you with an appetizer?"
"Go ahead, Babe," Ranger said, urging me to order.
"I'll try your seafood duo with shrimp and haddock," I said.
"Your two sides?" she asked.
"Coleslaw and onion rings, please."
She turned her attention to Ranger next.
"I'd like your lobster salad with blueberry vinaigrette, please," he announced.
"I'll get that right in," she said, scrambling away.
I raised an eyebrow at Ranger.
"Salad? The body is still a temple on vacation, huh?"
He laughed.
"I had a beer, marshmallows, chocolate, graham crackers, AND red meat last night. And the salad has an entire lobster tail. Don't get me started on your food choices."
We enjoyed a light-hearted lunch over our fresh seafood, holding easy conversation and discussing our trip so far. When we'd finished, the waitress came to the table to collect our empty plates.
"Can I interest you in dessert?" she asked politely.
I gave her a sad look.
"I don't have enough room to button my pants now, let alone fit in dessert."
Ranger smirked.
"Go check out the case," he said, pointing to a glass display covering an entire wall. "You can take something home for later."
My eyes almost bugged out of my head when I saw all the good things in the case. Fresh donuts, a variety of cakes and cheesecakes, cookies, bars, pies, pudding, and everything else I found especially tempting.
"Holy smokes," I breathed, with Ranger peering over my shoulder. "How am I supposed to choose?"
Ranger laughed. "Should I ask her to pack up one of everything since my pregnant fiancé couldn't choose just one?"
I elbowed him, and he laughed.
"Take all the time you need. And choose two, if you must."
We left with a slice of wild blueberry cheesecake and a slice of peanut butter cup cake. I stowed them safely in the back seat, vowing to return to them soon, and buckled myself into the front seat.
"Where to now?" I asked. "That last stop was excellent."
"We can check out the Burnham Tavern Museum if you're into Revolutionary War History," he suggested.
"I may have to pass on that," I admitted, and Ranger laughed.
"We could go to Jasper Beach," he suggested.
"I like the sound of that. I assume we can't swim?"
"That's correct," he said. "But it's beautiful."
We spent the afternoon exploring Jasper Beach, West Quoddy Light House, and Rogue Bluffs State Park. By the time we'd completed our adventures, I could barely keep my eyes open.
"What a day!" I exclaimed, reclining in my seat.
"Did you enjoy the day?" Ranger asked, studying my face.
"Absolutely. Thanks for the adventure, Batman."
Ranger gave me a smirk and put the Subaru into gear.
"Babe."