CHAPTER 4

Confessions

After dinner they all settled in around the living room visiting and reviewing plans for the next day.

Julio stood with a stretch. "And on that note I think Chrissa and I better turn in or I'll end up asleep in the potatoes tomorrow." He held a hand out and helped Chrissa off of the couch.

"Thanks for having us over." Chrissa bent and gave Gemma a hug. "It was so good to meet you."

"We'll see you tomorrow." Eliot walked with them to the door.

When Eliot came back Hardison was frowning at his tablet. "Parker, looks like the Coveys sent us a video file." He held the tablet so that she could see it.

"The Coveys?" Gemma asked.

"Sarah's parents." Eliot set a hand low on Gemma's back.

"Go ahead and play it." Parker leaned into Hardison.

Gemma, Eliot, Sophie, and Quinn gathered behind them so that they could see the video too.

A stream of pictures, set to music, featured Sarah from different stages in her short life. The last picture filled the screen and showed Sarah in a lemon yellow dress holding the teddy bear that Hardison had sent her. Words scrolled up onto the picture. 'Thanks for all you did. You gave us hope.'

Hardison tried to be discreet as he wiped at his eyes. Quinn didn't move to wipe away the tear track from his face. Gemma felt a stab of sadness at the video, but her attention was focused on Parker and Eliot. Eliot had gone stiff next to her when the image of Sarah in the yellow dress appeared on the screen and Parker had grabbed his hand.

Before she could ask, Eliot turned and walked quickly up the stairs. They all heard the door to his room close. He hadn't slammed the door but the sound of him shutting them out rang through the room.

"What just happened?" Gemma looked face to face.

"The yellow dress." Parker murmured.

"You know what that was about babe?" Hardison set his tablet to the side.

"Not my story." She bit her bottom lip.

No one else seemed to know what had happened so Gemma decided to go and see if there was anything she could do to help.

~~o0o~~

She opened the door slowly. "El, it's just me." She stepped into the room and realized he must not have turned on any of the lights since the nightlight by the dresser was the only light in the room. "Are you okay?"

"Fine." His answer was quiet.

"You're not fine." She sat next to him on the bed and waited.

He looked at her and waited for her questions. He waited but she just sat there, next to him. "No questions?"

She shook her head and leaned against him. "No. If you want to tell me you will, and if you don't, then I'll just sit here with you until you feel better."

He turned to kiss the top of her head. "I do want to talk to you, but I don't know where to start."

She sat a little straighter and took his hand. "Parker said something about a yellow dress but she wouldn't tell us what it meant."

Eliot swallowed hard. "Yah, it was the dress."

She gave his hand a squeeze. "What is important about the dress?"

He frowned. "I've had nightmares for years. It's complicated because the yellow dress is real, but it's not. It's more what it means to me, I guess."

She held his hand in both of hers, letting her thumbs rub lightly.

He stood up and started to pace slowly. He ran his hand through his hair and glanced at her. "When we were kids my sister had a yellow dress. When she was little. I remember her showing it off to anyone around. She was three years old… couldn't have been five yet. Little."

"Okay." Gemma spoke softly. "You said it means something."

Eliot nodded and continued to pace. "Innocent. There… there was another little girl that…" He took a deep breath. He knew he could gloss over his past. But then he would always wonder when his past would come back to bite him. Wonder if she would run when she did learn the truth.

He stopped in front of her, and he felt shaky and more than a little sick. He tried to pull on the wolf, but it was in a panic that she might leave. He didn't notice when it had happened, but he found himself kneeling in front of her.

"What happened to the girl?" Gemma's hands reached for him for a second before she let them settle on the edge of the bed. She felt a chill when she realized she'd seen him just this way in her dream last night.

"I killed her." It came out in a whisper. "Moreau had sent us out to deal with someone that was skimming from his profits. We were supposed to find out certain things before we killed the whole family. Darian was torturing the children to get the parents to talk… It wasn't my op. I'd killed people, children, before. But kids don't deserve that. I killed that little girl to stop…" He couldn't breathe. It felt like chains around his chest, and he couldn't breathe.

Gemma heard what he'd said and her heart broke. She couldn't resist any longer and she reached out and let her hands slide into his hair. He nuzzled into her hand and let her lead his head to her lap.

"I see that little girl in my nightmares wearing my baby sister's yellow dress. She's covered in blood and it's my fault."

She kept one hand in his hair and the other rubbed soothing circles across his back.

He wasn't exactly sure what he would feel now that he could breathe again but Gemma's leg under his cheek and her hand in his hair just might be heaven. The fact that she hadn't run from him was astounding.

He didn't move from her lap as he spoke. "I've done a lot of bad. Killed a lot of people. And I can't take it back or make it right. It's a part of who I am. Sometimes it feels like the only thing I am."

She rubbed his back and ran her fingers deeper into his hair. She felt him relax a little more. "Don't worry. It's okay to be broken. I'll keep your pieces safe."

Finally, he sat up and took her hands. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry." She squeezed his hands. "I didn't know what to expect but you've been telling me, for a while now, that there were some dark things that you needed to tell me. I'm glad you could tell me."

He nodded but couldn't look at her yet.

"Do the others know?"

He shook his head and shrugged. "I've never told them, but they've put a lot of it together on their own. Parker figured out the yellow dress thing."

Gemma thought about what had happened before she'd come upstairs. "You know that Sarah isn't your fault, right? You didn't kill her. You and the others did what you could to save her."

He nodded.

She slid off the edge of the bed and his hands guided her onto his lap. "The Coveys were trying to say thank you." She ran her hands into his hair and linked her hands behind his neck. "They weren't trying to punish you. They didn't know." She leaned her forehead against his.

"I need to go check on the others." He reached between them to tap on his chest. "Parker cut them off and I know they'll worry."

She kissed his nose. "You have good people."

He let his forehead rest against hers. "The best."

She started to scoot back so that he could get up but she felt his hands slide under her, so she wrapped her legs more firmly around his waist.

He kissed her and she giggled into the kiss when he stood up with her still wrapped around his waist. He smiled and kissed her forehead. She wriggled and he set her onto her feet. "I'll be right back."

She nodded and watched him go. She couldn't help the prayer that spilled from her as he walked to the door.

'God, I know you made him with gunmetal bones and wolf's teeth. I know you made him to be a warrior, a soldier, a hero. But even gunmetal can warp and wolf's teeth can become dull. The world needs his heart, and his faith, and his courage, and his strength. I need him. So please, I beg you– he is all that I have, and you have so many heroes, and the world has so many more. Let him be soft, and let him be mine. —Please, let him be happy'

She stood with her eyes closed for a moment and pictured her prayer winging its way to heaven.

She could hear the rumble of conversation in the hallway, but she couldn't make out what was being said. She went to the door and opened it quietly. She noticed Eliot reach a hand back to her even though he hadn't looked at her, it was like he knew she would be there, and he was just waiting for her to take her place next to him.

She threaded her fingers into his and let him pull her into the group. He had his other arm around Parker's shoulders, and she was leaning into his shoulder. Quinn reached out and ran a comforting hand up and down Gemma's arm. Hardison had a hand on Parker's shoulder and a hand on Quinn's. Gemma loved how they were all connected and all together.

She leaned her head against Eliot's shoulder. "What did I miss?"

"Just making sure things are okay." Hardison smiled a little.

Gemma noticed the way the pack kept lingering, and she couldn't help the grin. "So?"

Eliot looked down at her with an arched eyebrow.

"You said that the pack spends the night together when someone needs comfort."

Eliot felt a smile curling across his face.

"I think today has been hard enough. I don't know if that's what you would have done if I wasn't here, but if it was, I think you should."

Quinn frowned a little. "Are you sure? I mean you guys haven't had much time to yourselves."

"I want Eliot to be happy and I'm learning how much the pack is a part of that." She leaned heavily into Eliot's side. "I think we could all use a little comfort after today."

Quinn pulled her into a quick firm hug and rubbed her back briskly before he let her go. "A…" Quinn caught himself as he started to address Eliot as Alpha again. "Wolf form or human?"

Eliot caught Quinn's slip but didn't give it more than a half smile. "Wolf." He pulled Gemma into his side.

The rest of the pack made their way to their rooms and Eliot waited until their doors closed before he led Gemma back into his room.

The lights were still off except for the nightlight and Eliot didn't completely shut the door in case it was one of the boys who got to the door first.

He wanted to ask what she thought about what he'd told her but he was a little scared that he didn't want to know. "Are you okay?"

She nuzzled against his shoulder and grinned when she felt a purr rumble in his chest. "Yah, I'm okay." She sighed. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, but then maybe if you hadn't you wouldn't have found me. And I am so glad you found me."

He kissed the top of her head as he stepped away. "I better shift. The boys are waiting."

She let him go and went to her bag to get her pajamas.

Quinn nosed the door open and whined.

Gemma went to the door and held it open. Quinn brushed against her legs as he walked past. He hopped up onto the bed and settled at the foot.

Eliot had left the bathroom door open a crack so he was able to nose his way past the door. He climbed onto the bed near Quinn, and Gemma went to take her turn in the bathroom.

By the time Gemma came out of the bathroom in her pajamas, Parker and the wolves were waiting for her on Eliot's bed. Parker was sitting between Hardison and Eliot and Gemma could tell that they'd left space for her on Eliot's other side. It took a couple of wobbly tries to get settled. She didn't want to squash Eliot or Quinn as she crawled onto the bed, but they didn't seem to mind.

Gemma tucked her toes under Quinn and snuggled with her back to Eliot. Eliot started to purr and she reached around to scritch into the thick fur on his neck.

"Did Eliot tell you about the yellow dress?" Parker asked quietly.

"Yes." Gemma felt tears spring up.

"Are you mad at him?"

Gemma sat up to look over Eliot's shoulders at Parker. "No. Why would I be mad at him?"

"People get mad when they find out you've done bad things and it doesn't matter if you're sorry because you already did it."

"I'm not mad. It breaks my heart to think of him that way, but I don't know what choices he had or what he was forced to do. I just wish it didn't still torment him."

"Have you ever done something like that? Something bad?" Parker asked.

Eliot's purr had faded, and Gemma had thought he'd fallen asleep but a sudden growl rumbled in his chest and Gemma flinched. At her flinch the growl cut off and he turned a little to nose hard into Parker's side.

Gemma ran her hands into Eliot's scruff. "It's okay." She waited until she could see his yellow eyes looking at her. "It's okay if she asks." She bit her lip and a tear trickled down one cheek. "I should have told you earlier."

Parker sat up to look at Gemma, but Gemma's attention was focused on Eliot.

Gemma clenched her hands in Eliot's scruff. "When I was with the vampires one of my jobs was to bring back people for the vampires to drink from." She closed her eyes as she remembered her time with the vampires. "Sometimes I could lure an adult close enough for the vampires to catch them with their gaze but usually it was children. Most of the children died."

Eliot got up, hopped off the bed and headed for the bathroom. It didn't take long before he was back in his human form. He'd pulled on his undershirt and his jeans.

He climbed back on the bed and knelt in front of Gemma. He brushed her hair back from her face and she leaned into him.

Letting go of Gemma he held a hand out to Parker. He pulled her into a hug. "Ya gotta be more careful. I know you didn't mean it, but sometimes digging up the past hurts." He kissed her hair. "It's okay to be curious but you gotta give people space."

"But it's good to know."

Eliot wanted to growl at her again. He leaned back and Parker sat with her legs pulled up to her chest. He waited.

"We know she won't run away from our bad things and we won't run away from hers. So it's okay."

Eliot sighed at the Parker-logic he'd just heard and it made him want to shake his head, throw his hands in the air, something. But he could see her point. Having heard Gemma's confession helped him understand why she hadn't run from him after his confession earlier.

He felt Gemma's hand on his shoulder and without looking he pulled her into his side.

"I meant it when I said it was okay for her to ask." Gemma rested her head on his shoulder. "I really understand now, what you meant about you and the pack being a package deal, so I think they need to get to know me too, good and bad.

. ͽϿ Ѻ Ͼͼ .

Sophie carried a tray that had bagels, a carafe of coffee and several mugs. With a nudge of her hips, she finished opening the partially opened door to Eliot's room. She stopped when she took in the sight on Eliot's bed.

Eliot lay on his back in the middle of the bed laying sideways across it. He had an arm wrapped around Parker on his left and Gemma on his right. The thin blonde and the curvy brunette were such a contrast but they each seemed quite comfortable snuggled on either side. The white wolf at the foot of the bed and the grey one at the head seemed to bookend the whole affair.

Eliot could feel Sophie staring and he opened one eye a crack.

"I can't decide if this looks sweet, or if it looks like the set up for a dirty joke." She smirked.

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AN: Gemma's prayer is taken from Pencap's poem Let Him Be Soft. It's beautiful and deserves to be read on its own. I found it on tumblr.