****Important Note: I know that in the past I have written flashbacks in italics, but this chapter will be all flashback and reading large text in italics (well for me) can get annoying. So just in case someone else is like me I will be writing this flashback in regular text for this chapter, just wanted to clear that up in case there is any confusion.

TW: Suicidal Thoughts

/A Week And Six Days After Final Battle/

It had been almost two weeks since his brand new wife died, almost two weeks since he lost his reason to live. It had also been almost two weeks since he raged out and destroyed most of the kitchen and living room of their house, well, what was their house. Now it was just a shadow of the future they could have had.

The morning after Killian woke up on the kitchen floor with a massive hang over, his head was throbbing, the room was spinning, and he felt like he could vomit any second. But nothing was worse than the pain he felt once he was reminded his true love was gone forever. 'No, she is not' he told himself, 'I was gone but I came back. She brought me back.'

He refused to believe she was truly gone forever. If he came back so could she right?

He and Henry had both attempted true love's kiss right before the paramedics took the body away. But instead of a gush of wind and a ring of vibrant lights there was nothing. The only light coming from the flickering street lights, the only noise the being the sirens and the sounds of crying coming from the people she left behind.

Yet he knew there had to be a way, some magical stone or spell to bring her back. And he was willing to do anything to make sure she was back safe in his arms. So he did something he didn't think he would do in a million years, something that he hated with every fiber of his being. But a man unwilling to fight for what he wants deserves what he gets, so he went to the crocodile for help.

Well technically he went to Belle, which wasn't so bad, yet he hated to admit he needed the crocodile's help. He felt resentment towards both Rumplestiltskin and Belle over the fact that their son drove sword into Emma's stomach and ultimately killed her, but they were his best shot so he sucked it up. Belle felt absolutely horrible for what had happened and was eager to help in any way possible, gold had agreed to help to but Killian decided to only personally talk to the lady.

He was way less likely to hurt her. Partly because they had developed a sort of friendship over the time she lived in his ship, and also because although he had been a pirate he always lived by a code. And killing the mother of a new born baby, was bad form. The crocodile on the other hand, well there was nothing stopping him from attempting to rip his thought out.

So instead he met up personally with Belle and communicated with the dark one through her. Over the last week and a half they poured through every book they could find and attempted every spell imaginable and still nothing. They had gone over the option of going to the underworld and retrieving her but that idea was quickly dismissed after remembering the ordeal they all went through the first time, besides there was no guarantee she was even there. He hoped as hell she wasn't.

Up till now everything they tried had been a dead end. Nothing worked. "I'm sorry but I don't think there is anything left to do" Belle said after a week and a half of failure after failure.

"No," Killian said, "No, there has to be something"

"I don't think so," she replied empathetically, "We've gone through everything, there just isn't anything we can do. Even Rumple has run out of ideas."

"No, no. We've been in situations like this before and we always find something!" He said as his frustration threatened to turn into rage. "Just, there has to be something we haven't tried," he told her more calmly this time, "something we could have missed, please,"

She sighed filled with compassion for him and looked down at a book she had been reading about two days back. "I saw something in here about two days ago," she started, "I didn't tell you because I talked to Rumple and he said it was impossible."

"We've made the impossible possible before, I'm living proof!" He yelled anxious to hear what it was and angry they could have been waisting two entire days when what she found could be it.

"I know but, Killian, this. There's absolutely no way, I mean I've done research and this is just a myth, there's no proof it's even a possibility much less a solution."

"I don't care"

"Alright it's a long shot, but-"

"Just tell me what it is!"

"Okay"

/

It doesn't even matter what Belle said because it was a dead end, a myth, just like the crocodile predicted. 'God, I can't believe I got my hopes up again' Killian thought. Belle had told him what she had found he immediately set sail to find it. Apparently there was an ambrosia seed that had come along on the boot of one of the many people who had tried, and failed, to reach the fruit.

Details don't matter because when he got to the location it was supposed to have laid on, there was nothing, nothing but dirt. Turns out the myth Belle had found in her book was just, a myth.

A story people told to people to give them hope.

Hope. What a cruel, cruel thing.

Emma told him that she was once told 'Happy endings always start with hope.'

'Well I don't know who told her that bullshit, but they were most certainly out of their minds' he thought. He had hope, he had so much hope. He had hope since they climbed the beanstalk, since she tied him to a tree and threatened him. He hoped he would make her his, he hoped for their future, he hoped they would be able to keep all that they had built, just four hours ago he hoped he would be able to bring her back to him.

So where was his happy ending?

It was gone. She was gone. His hope was gone. It was never coming back. And the reality of it is crashing down on him with the strength of a thousand waterfalls.

He thought of fate. How it had always found a way to bring them back together. How Emma brought him back to life just to have her die shortly after, because it was fate. Well fate has a dark sense of humor.

He should've just stayed dead, if he just moved on when everyone left, maybe they would be together.

How was he going to do this? Live without her?

It took three hundred years for him to get over his first love, and the pain he felt after her death was nothing compared to what he is feeling now. He has had his fare share of injuries, of heartbreaks, hell he has been stabbed to death, twice. But nothing, not even all of that combined, can compare to the amount of pain he is feeling right now.

It hurts, it hurts so bad he can't breathe. There's this great force suffocating him. Like theres this scream, building up inside of him but instead of coming out it stays locked in his thought, preventing him to breathe in. Being honest, does he want to?

He walked up to the edge of the boat, he had stayed in the Jolly Rodger floating in the sea. As he looked down he saw the crashing waves, they were calm today, but he remembered how quickly they could turn into a raging storm, threatening to consume you. And just like that your whole life can change as well. Not only two weeks ago he had been happy, truly happy. The kind of happy that when you smile you truly mean it and you can see the light shining in your eyes. It hasn't even been two weeks since he got married, he danced, he rarely danced. And now, there was no light radiating from his eyes, no dance left in him, because his hope was gone. All that was left was a crashing storm building inside of his, threatening to escape and drown him completely.

He stepped up on the railing of the ship.

'What's left for me?' he thought. The answer, was nothing. There was nothing left for him. The one thing would be Henry. But what would he care if he was gone? Being honest he's better off without him, he doesn't need a broken pirate in his life.

He was weak, he was so weak. But he didn't care. He had been trying to be strong his whole life, tragedy after tragedy. He didn't want to be strong anymore.

He closed his eyes, and let the storm drown him.

/

He kept his eyes closed as the pressure threatened to burst his ears, he kept them closed as the air started to run out of his lungs, they were closed as the water filled them. But before the darkness took over he willed himself to open them. And what he saw was indescribable.

He saw her. He saw Emma.

She was floating calmly in front of him. Her golden hair flowing perfectly under the water, she had a white dress on, it also flowed in sync to her hair with the subtly waves of the ocean.

And she gave him a look. A look he knew all too well.

It lasted a second, but a second was all he needed to understand.

It was just a look, a glance. Yet it spoke a million words.

It was a look that said "you're being stupid, Killian."

A look that said "what the hell were you thinking?"

A look that said "how could you?"

A look that told him he had to go back. That there was so much more for him up there.

A look that said "I love you."

And then just like that she was gone, and he gathered some newfound strength and carried himself to the surface of the ocean. Immediately he started coughing water and soon after fresh air filled his lungs once more.

He managed to get back to the deck of his ship before collapsing on the floor.

He saw her. And she was beautiful, she was so beautiful. She was always beautiful but this was a different type of beautiful. Despite all she looked calm, peaceful, younger.

He then remembered the look she had on her face. How one glance could say so much. She didn't need to give him an entire speech to make him get to the surface. One look said it all.

There was something left for him, Henry. That boy was a part of Emma. When he saw her under the water, when he saw how young she seemed he saw the resemblance stronger than ever. And he shouldn't have tried to abandon him, Emma can't be there for him so he has to.

He had to do what Emma wanted, and that was for him to live his life, no matter how broken it was.

Yet the very word broken indicates that it can be fixed. Maybe he should try to fix it. Some aspects of his life were shattered beyond repair, but maybe there was one part he could fix. And maybe along the way, mend his heart.

It would be difficult, but he could try. For her, he could try.

/

As he lay on the deck of his ship he looked up and the sky and notices how it started to change.

The clear blue sky was now filled with gray clouds. slowly they started to clump together in the sky above him, turning a darker shade of gray with each passing second. Then droplets of water started to fall, splashing on his skin.

But he no longer felt that subtle ache you get when the weather changes and a perfect sunny day turns into a cloudy rainy one.

In fact he didn't feel anything anymore.

It's like he flipped a switch and a numbness took over him.

The screaming storm inside of him disappeared and now there was nothing.

For a second he thought maybe he really did die. He touched the side of his neck and found a strong pulse. He was definitely alive. Yet he couldn't feel a thing.

He should feel something. If anything he should feel guilty for not feeling anything, but he can't. He's just there. Numb.

He only knows one thing. He has to follow what Emma asked of him. He had to go and try to mend his broken life. And he was going to start with his relationship with Henry.

Wow. This was a difficult chapter because it deals with a suicide attempt but, I did it. I wasn't completely sure of where I was taking this but once a started writing it poured out. I had originally planned to post this at the end of the week but I got carried away and couldn't stop writing. So there you go an early update.

There isn't really much happening here, yet so much happens here. Now you know what Killian was doing during the two weeks and why he suddenly wanted to build on his relationship with Henry. We also see how a glimpse into his emotions, how he felt then and how now in the present he is numb.

AnywaysI hope you guys enjoyed reading this. The next chapter is back in the present because we have a funeral to attend. But don't worry just because we are having a funeral doesn't mean it's the end, or that everything will be resolved. In fact SHIT IS GOING TO GO DOWN.

Thank you to all of you who are reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing. I'd love to know what you think of this chapter and if you have any guesses as to whats going to happen next (in the present). P.S-Reviews make me write faster *hint*hint*

:)