A Q-mas Carol
by Joan Powers
Summary: Inspired by A Christmas Carol, Q gets into the Christmas spirit and decides to help Captain Janeway. Janeway/Chakotay
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: K
It was Christmas Eve on Voyager. Not that tonight looked any different from any other night. Or day for that matter. Captain Janeway had arranged for a skeleton crew tomorrow to create a more relaxed, holiday atmosphere. She planned a festive brunch featuring a variety of delicacies, including her mother's famous ginger cookies, along with lavish decorations for the mess hall. Her command staff would also be joining her for a special private gathering where she had gift baskets for them. Nothing elaborate, just a bottle of wine, and other fancy tidbits. They'd also be exchanging small secret Santa gifts.
She was relaxing on her couch, clad in red and black checked flannel pajamas, her bare feet tucked beneath her, sipping hot cocoa while reading A Christmas Carol. She'd never been much of Dicken's fan, he tended to be too wordy. Yet given the parameters of life on a star ship, it could be challenging to generate a holiday atmosphere. She couldn't justify using the replicators for her quarters to produce decorations that would only be recycled days later. There were no stockings hung with care or small brightly lit fir trees with shiny wrapped packages beneath. Just a simple wreath hanging on the wall. She'd assured her crew that other than the person that selected her name for the secret Santa exchange, no gifts were necessary for her.
Thus far it had been a peaceful evening without interruptions.
That was about to change.
"Captain Janeway. It's been too long."
Q appeared out of nowhere, startling her.
Alarmed, she sat bolt upright. "What are you doing here?"
He stepped towards her. "Now, what kind of a greeting is that? No, how are you? What's new?"
She didn't buy it. Q never just stopped by. Him showing up was not a good omen. She tilted her head to locate her com badge to notify the bridge of his presence when he interrupted her.
"That's not necessary. I'm here to see you. A social call." Smiling pleasantly, he joined her on the couch.
This didn't sound good.
"Why?" She tried to sound bored rather than wary.
"In the spirit of your holiday, I come regarding your welfare."
Kathryn laughed out loud, thinking this ought to be good.
"You realize as a god-like creature with infinite power, I have access to hundreds of thousands of versions of your life. I've been watching them and have noticed some common themes."
She raised an eyebrow in amusement. "You're gonna fix me?" She couldn't help but burst out laughing again. The nerve this man had.
"I'm going to help you discover your best path for happiness."
She couldn't control her giggles. As if Q would have any idea about what made her happy.
"Seriously, I like you, Kathryn. That's why I was so disappointed when I saw your future."
His voice sounded sincere, yet Janeway was skeptical. This sounded too much like "A Christmas Carol", the story she was just reading.
"You skimmed my book and now you're going to take me to Christmas past, present and future? Visits from three spirits in one night?" She teased. Q must be really bored.
"Slightly different. I'm going to show you how different choices impact your future." He stood and gestured for her to join him.
That sounded a little more serious.
Still thinking that Q was being ridiculous, Janeway stood and asked, "Do I touch your hand and you whisk me away?" She'd seen too many movie versions of this story.
"Don't be silly. I'm Q. All I have to do is snap my fingers." Then he did.
Suddenly Janeway and Q were in the middle of an elaborate hotel lobby. The towering atrium had a three-tiered fountain in the center and was surrounded by live palm trees. Placards, written in English and other languages were displayed. The hotel was hosting a conference. The lobby was crowded with uniformed Star Fleet officers.
She grabbed at her pajamas, feeling exposed.
"Don't worry about that. They can't see us." Q assured her. "Let's make our way towards that door." They pushed through the crowds.
Janeway's heart leapt in her chest when she recognized that this was the Luxor hotel located in San Francisco. On Earth. When she scanned the schedule posted for the lectures, she saw that she, Admiral Kathryn Janeway, had been the keynote speaker, talking about her experiences in the Delta Quadrant.
She was about to burst with pride.
"When did we make it? How did we figure it out? How old am I?"
"Patience. All will be answered in time. Just watch."
She recognized so many faces in the crowd. Captain Solveno (now an admiral, gaging from his insignia), Commander Ryder, who was a little heavier and grayer. Major Coomes, who unfairly had only seemed to age five years compared to other familiar faces. She was thrilled to see Voyager crew members, though none were from her command team. She felt jubilant that they'd made it back to Earth. She could feel the tension releasing from her shoulders.
What a marvelous Christmas gift!
As she and Q approached a group of officers that were lingering, she saw herself. She was definitely older, with touches of gray in her hair. She was wearing it a little longer these days, tucked up into a chignon. But she looked fit. She'd put on some weight but managed to maintain her figure. She wasn't a vain person but she was still pleased to see only a hint of wrinkles near her eyes and mouth. She was so pleased that Star Fleet recognized and valued their experiences in the Delta Quadrant.
She and Q followed her older-self and a few other nondescript graying Star Fleet officers into the bar where they shared drinks. Pine boughs and oversized red ornaments along with twinkling lights decorated the bar. It was Christmas time.
Q and Janeway came closer to the group to listen to the conversation.
A heavy-set man asked the older Janeway. "Why didn't you just take some of that technology from the Yerba?"
"Against regulations. Besides, that would've be wrong." She firmly replied.
"C'mon, we all know regulations go by the wayside when you're in a bad situation." A balding officer with a deep voice joked. The others joined in his laughter.
The older Janeway sighed then changed the subject. "Where are you heading next, Jerry?"
"Giving a talk on Riegel four. Then taking a little time off."
"You're hitching a ride on the Roanoke. That's Tempe's ship, isn't it?"
"This isn't overly exciting." Janeway said to Q, assuming not having proper context would explain the dullness.
"That's your sometimes-boyfriend over there." Q pointed towards the tallest man with salt and pepper hair and admiral insignia, seated at the end of the bar. He occasionally smiled towards her older-self. Otherwise, he didn't interact with her significantly. They weren't even sitting beside each other.
"Really? He doesn't seem my type."
Too…old? Too dull? Then again, she was older and duller too. It was odd thinking of yourself as old and in the third person.
Q huffed impatiently. "I'm not impressed either. This is boring. Let's fast forward. I'll do my best to avoid any intimate scenes here."
The scenery around them blurred with people suddenly moving very quickly. It was a nauseating sensation. She thought she saw her older-self and the boyfriend taking the elevator to a hotel room. When Q stopped fast-forwarding, the boyfriend was already on his way out the door, less than an hour later as evidenced by the clock in the room.
"That was quick," Janeway said. Did they have sex? Or maybe that wasn't what she thought it was?
Q and Janeway saw the older Janeway in the hotel room. Her greying hair was loose, down on her shoulders, and she was wearing a dark green robe. She poured herself a glass of whiskey.
Janeway was slightly concerned by the amount her older-self had to drink. Didn't she already down two of those at the bar? But maybe she was celebrating. It was the holidays. Or it could be the first opportunity she's had to just relax.
The older Janeway sat on the couch with her glass of whiskey close by. She skimmed her view screen for messages then played one.
"Hi Aunt Kathryn. Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. Have a Happy New Year."
Was that her niece, Amy? She didn't recognize her for she'd never met her. Her niece had been born after Voyager had left Earth and set out for DS9. She remembered ordering a baby gift for her sister, choosing a neutral yellow or green stuffed animal, since they hadn't known the sex of the baby. Now that child appeared to be in her twenties.
Janeway wondered if Voyager had recently returned to Earth, or had they been there for a while.
"It's Christmas Eve," Q said.
Kathryn asked, "Why am I alone in a hotel room? Why didn't my boyfriend stay?" Not that she was impressed by him. She wondered why she was obviously settling.
Then she thought if her older-self was traveling about the Alpha quadrant with speaking engagements or sent on special assignments, that could get lonely. It could also be challenging to keep in touch with loved ones. Hopefully the older Janeway was planning a get-together with extended family and friends at a later time.
"It's not that kind of relationship. It's more a friends-with-benefits situation that you both agreed upon."
That didn't sound like her.
Then again, since he was a Star Fleet officer, it might be the same old non-fraternization rigmarole that caused the same annoying problems. If you lived with the people that you worked with, how did you have the opportunity to create a personal life with someone outside of that setting? When would you meet them? Or have the chance to spend much time with them? And if you fell in love with a co-worker that was your subordinate, you were automatically assigned duties on different ships to avoid conflict of interest. The higher in rank you rose, the more challenging it became.
"Why am I not getting together with my sister and her family?"
Q shrugged. "They don't know you that well anymore. You haven't been around that much. They used to invite you to special occasions, but you tend not to show up. They've gotten tired of being rejected."
"I'm sure Star Fleet keeps me busy. That's part of the job. But what about my friends from Voyager?"
"You keep in touch. Most have accepted other Starship assignments. Harry got promoted and is on the Atlas exploring the Tauron system. Tom and B'lanna are on the Hesperus. They just visited with their two kids the other day."
She was thrilled to hear that. "Can I see them?"
"This is about your future. Not theirs."
She was disappointed but pleased they were doing well.
"What about Chakotay?" She couldn't imagine being out of touch with him.
"He's a Star Fleet captain for the Ibis which is away on a mission in the Zerus system. But even if he were in San Francisco, his wife, Serina, can't stand you."
Bemused, she asked, "Why not?"
"Just can't. You know it too. This isn't news to you. You made pretty flimsy excuses to avoid attending their wedding." From the gleam in his eyes, it was evident that Q enjoyed conveying these gossipy tidbits.
She ignored the alarm bells going off inside her head when she observed her older-self pouring another glass of whiskey.
"Overall, this looks pretty good to me, Q. Voyager has returned to Earth. I've been promoted to Admiral. Our mission has been valuable. The crew is doing well. I don't see any problems here."
"If you say so. Let me take you to another possibility."
His fingers snapped and they found themselves in a large bedroom. It was an unusual room with a high ceiling and floor to ceiling windows filling one entire wall, with an outstanding view of rolling hills dotted with purple and yellow wildflowers. The center piece of the room was an overly large bed carved from golden oak.
Janeway shuddered when she caught sight of herself. In the recesses of the massive bed, she was surrounded by pillows. While she was younger than the previous version of herself, as evidenced by the lack of gray in her hair, her face was mottled and swollen, and her abdomen was grossly distended.
"I thought you had a privacy filter!" Janeway said, enraged. For she was partially topless, one of her breasts was fully exposed, horribly swollen and drooping. She was holding a small screaming baby, trying to position her to nurse.
"Don't worry. I've seen it all before," Q assured her, as he smiled slyly.
She was ready to slap him.
Adding to the chaos, two young boys clad in pajamas rushed in, hurling themselves on to the bed, climbing towards her. "Mommy! Mom!" They grabbed at her, hugging her. "Mommy!"
Janeway was terrible at gauging the ages of young children. She guessed the darker-haired boy with the adorable dimples was school-aged, while the red-headed child with chubby cheeks, seemed much younger.
Between the shrieking infant and the shouting of the boys, the noise was deafening.
"What is this?" Janeway said, her annoyance growing.
Q's lips twisted with amusement. "Keep watching."
"You enjoy torturing me. Is this on Earth?"
"What is with this Earth obsession? Just keep watching." He produced a bag of popcorn and proceeded to munch on some. He offered some to her.
"No thank you." This scene of so-called domestic bliss had turned her stomach.
Q mused. "In the scenarios where you two have kids, you always go for the girl."
She heard a loud whistle and an authoritative cry. "Boys!"
She recognized that voice.
Exchanging guilty glances, the boys scampered from the bed and out of the room. She could hear the low rumble of Chakotay's voice, speaking with them just outside. As he strode into the bedroom, she noticed his dark hair was a little longer than she was used to seeing, with a more touches of gray. He was wearing flannel pajama pants and a worn T-shirt. He placed a glass containing a pinkish liquid on the nightstand table.
"No coffee?" Current day Janeway was confused.
"A no-no for nursing mothers." Q replied.
"Sorry, they're just excited." Chakotay said to his Janeway.
The baby's cries became louder and more frantic.
Clearly at the end of her rope, his Janeway cried. "Help."
He climbed onto the bed and gently took the crying baby from her. Holding her in the crook of his arm, he admired her. "Hey little Katie. You hungry?" He put a finger in her mouth to momentarily stop her wailing.
"What was I thinking? Why did I think I could do this a third time?"
"'Cause she's beautiful." Chakotay stared at his daughter, clearly captivated by her. "It'll come back to you. Give it time."
She leaned against his shoulder. "I look awful. I feel awful."
He kissed the top of her head. "You're exhausted, Kathryn. Cut yourself some slack, you just had a baby. Let me help you get her going."
While carefully balancing the baby, he directed Kathryn to sit up against the headboard and then positioned the baby with pillows. With his assistance they managed to guide the baby to latch on properly to nurse. He even rearranged the bed spread to cover her more modestly. Finally, the crying stopped.
"Thank God. I thought I was gonna explode. I'm so damn tired." Kathryn was near tears.
He reached over to grab the glass filled with pink liquid and hand it to her.
Kathryn eyed Chakotay suspiciously. "Are you trying to poison me again?" she asked.
Janeway looked towards Q with confusion.
"The Commander tends to go overboard with health food kicks. Especially when you're pregnant."
"Just try it." Chakotay assured her, holding the glass for her, helping her guide the straw to her mouth.
After a cautious sip, she smiled. "Strawberry. That's pretty good. Better than that tree bark stuff you love. Thanks."
He leaned closer to her, resting his head on her shoulder. His eyes were rimmed with exhaustion as well. "If she doesn't fall asleep, I'll take her when she's done. Let you get some rest."
"But I can't miss Christmas morning with the boys. I want to see them open their gifts. Especially the fort that you worked so hard on. They're gonna love it. I can't miss that." Kathryn insisted.
"The boys can help me make breakfast and clean up. Then I'll take them outside to run around. Get rid of some energy. That'll buy you at least an hour."
"Make sure they don't see the fort." She warned.
"I will. Speaking of the boys, I'd better go check on them. I've left them alone too long already." He kissed her forehead. "Love you." Then he reluctantly rose, taking the empty glass with him.
"Love you too."
Janeway said, "Interesting. You're assuming I have feelings for Chakotay."
"Oh, you don't? Good to know. Then you're gonna love this next tender tableau." Q snapped his fingers.
This version of Janeway was striding forward in a cave. Her Star Fleet uniform was torn in many places and dirty. Current day Janeway could only surmise that there'd been some bad luck on an away mission. Other than that, her appearance could've been that which she'd seen in the mirror this morning, with her stylish shoulder-length bob. By the set of her shoulders and lines about her mouth, she could tell she was terribly worried.
She and Q followed her to another section of the cave that was dimly lit by an emergency lamp, where she crouched to the ground beside Chakotay. His appearance was alarming. Sweat beaded on his forehead, his eyes had trouble focusing. Bandages and shredded clothes were wrapped about his chest to stabilize his ribs. Spots of blood dotted the bandages and his clothing. Angry purple bruising was evident on his chest and arms. She knelt beside him and put a hand to his forehead, frowning.
"C'mon, Chakotay. You've got to pull through. Any day Voyager will find our beacon. You know they're looking for us. Just a few more days. You've gotta hang on for just a few more days."
The tremor of desperation in her voice made her feel ill.
She knew what Q was showing her. She was going to vomit.
"Stop. I can't watch this! Stop!
"But captain," He grinned. "There's something to be learned from this."
Tears were coming to her eyes. "No! I can't." But with it happening right before her, she didn't have much choice. Q had taken away her ability to shut her eyes or cover her face with her hands.
They watched as Q slightly accelerated the vision. This version of Janeway carefully double and triple checked the beacon positioned at the top of the mountain. She dragged heavy rocks on the surface to form an SOS signal. She scoured the first aid kit, dumping the contents on the ground, a futile attempt to search for more medicine, more bandages, more anything. They could see her biting her lip as she examined the dirty dressings. Yet there were no clean replacements. She checked the emergency rations multiple times, being sure to give Chakotay more than his share, when he'd actually eat. Finally, they watched her frantically scouting the local area for medical plants, scrapping up a potential target and making a tea of it for him.
That night, there was nothing else she could do. The medicine was long gone and Chakotay's fever was still raging. She tried to make him eat but he refused.
"Please, you need to get something in you. Please, just try." She cajoled, holding him up as best she can, sliding him onto her shoulder so he wouldn't choke on the liquid. She managed to get half of the cup into him.
Instead of sleeping, she held a silent vigil seated beside him. She was scared by wet rattling sound that his lungs had started making. She blotted his forehead with a cool cloth, while resting her other hand on his chest. She was frightened and near tears.
Even though Janeway could anticipate what was going to happen, it was still excruciating to watch.
This version Janeway collapsed beside Chakotay. In desperation, she said, "You can't die. I love you."
"I love you too." He murmured.
"Aw, isn't that sweet?" Q grinned.
Janeway elbowed him sharply in the ribs.
The Janeway in the vision gingerly rested her head against Chakotay's chest, while holding his hand. She murmured words of love and encouragement to him until she fell asleep.
Hours later, she woke up to discover that his body was cold.
"Why are you doing this?" Current day Janeway screamed. "Why would you show me this? Are you some kind of monster? How often does this happen?" She couldn't hold back the tears.
She knew it could happen, it was always a possibility, a crew member losing their life. And it had happened. She did her best to blot that possibility out of her mind. Otherwise, she'd be paralyzed when it came to making command decisions. There was danger, there were risks. It was part of the job.
"Not nearly as often as the first two scenarios. You ought to see the version where Chuckles dies before you profess your undying love to him." Adapting a more serious demeanor, he said, "It completely and utterly destroys you. You become a functioning alcoholic before Voyager reaches Earth."
"What?" Janeway was in shock. "What does that even mean?"
"You heard me."
She sarcastically replied. "Great."
His reply was equally sardonic. "Good to know you don't have any feelings for the commander."
"Shut up!" Now he was just showing off. He knew he'd made his point.
"You might want to think about who you're lying to. And why."
She ignored him, while wiping her cheeks with the back of her palm.
Trying to distract herself from the agony of having just watched Chakotay die, she asked, "Did we make it back to Earth?"
"What is with your obsession of returning to Earth? You're not getting it. You made it back to Earth in every one of these scenarios. In fact, in the second one, your daughter was born on Earth – otherwise all of your potential children are born on Voyager or some other planet. In the scenario we saw earlier, you and Chuckles teach at Star Fleet academy in San Francisco. Neither of you wanted to take a commission and be separated from your family.
"Don't you see that Voyager's successful return to Earth isn't the operative variable? That's why I'm here, Kathryn. I want you to be happy. And the window for making those choices is closing rapidly."
"What do you mean?" He sounded overly dramatic.
"Your odds were steady at fifty/fifty for a while. But suddenly within the last week, it's changed to sixty/forty, favoring you becoming the functional alcoholic. While I don't claim to fully understand humans, even I can see that your window of opportunity for happiness is closing."
She scoffed. "That's ridiculous. The capacity to love doesn't go away."
"If you suppress it long enough, it does. It becomes irreparably damaged. The human heart is a fragile creature. I've shown you the evidence. Or actually I didn't specifically show you-"
"No!" She cried, putting up her hands in defense.
She had no desire to see the version of her life where she didn't have a chance to share her feelings with Chakotay before he died. The version she had seen was disturbing enough to haunt her nightmares for years.
"I have to hand it to the big lug. When given the choice, the Commander always chooses you."
"That doesn't sound right. You said he was married to other women in some scenarios." She didn't especially want to consider those possibilities.
Q spoke more intensely. "You're not listening. You are always his first choice. Anytime he meets you and spends time with you, the man is doomed. That's why his wives hate you. Serina, Melinda, Cassandra, Victoria, the list goes on. They all despise you. Even the ones that never actually meet you. Some even erase your messages to him. These are drop-dead gorgeous women. Exotic women. Intelligent women. I don't know how Chuckles manages it. But he manages to screw it up every time."
"Stop calling him that!" She shouted through gritted teeth, wanting to slug Q once again. Janeway felt awful that Chakotay was unhappy in the future. And that she might be the reason why.
"Any kids?" She asked. He seemed like a natural father that was devoted to his children. At the very least, he could derive happiness from that.
Q's answer broke her heart. "Only with you."
He explained. "There are some fringe scenarios but they're essentially statistical anomalies. There's even one where he marries Seven of Nine."
Janeway was furious. "Stop it! Now you're just being cruel. You're making things up! That would never happen!"
As much as she cared for Seven and her personal development, a relationship between she and Chakotay felt like the ultimate betrayal.
"He would never deliberately hurt me that badly."
Q wisely pointed out. "Not unless you hurt him first."
That stung. For it rang a little too true.
"Anyway, it's just a fringe possibility. Let's end on a different note." He snapped his fingers.
Janeway recognized the place immediately. It was the main assembly hall of Star Fleet academy. Every seat in the massive auditorium was filled and others stood in the aisles. Most of the attendees wore Star Fleet uniforms. She and Q listened to a few Star Fleet brass speak about her. They were honoring her and her accomplishments in the Delta Quadrant.
"How long did it take this time?" She asked while scanning the crowd for familiar faces. There was Harry! A much older version, with a furrowed brow. Was that Tal by his side? And Tom and B'Elanna. Gauging their seasoned appearances, significantly more time had passed than the earlier vision.
Then she noticed Chakotay standing erect, off to the side of the stage with three young men beside him. His face was well lined, and it bore new scars. His hair was mostly gray. From the set of his shoulders and the fact that his eyes were cast towards the ground, she could tell that something was bothering him. The tallest dark-haired boy that stood beside him, was a dead ringer for Chakotay, lean and muscular. He bore his father's family tattoo on his forehead. His scowl suggested that he wasn't entirely happy with the proceedings either. The boy standing next to him, resembled her in coloring with his fair complexion and crew cut auburn hair. She wondered why he was the only one of them wearing a Star Fleet uniform. The youngest boy had a slighter build than his brothers. Like his father, his eyes remained downcast. He stood on the other side of Chakotay, who had an arm on his shoulder.
Sensing a pattern, she said, "I presume that's my family?"
"Yes, it is. Give her a prize." Q gleefully replied.
"Where am I?" She scanned the auditorium.
"Where do you think? Haven't you been listening? This is a memorial service. You're dead."
"What?" Would this man ever stop aggravating her?
Q gleefully told her. "You're gonna love this. Here Star Fleet is feting the fatted calf for you, rolling out the red carpet, and your oldest son is furious that these people have no idea who you really are."
As if on cue, her oldest son strode towards the podium.
Feeling hurt, she asked, "Why isn't Chakotay speaking? Isn't he my husband?"
"Duh? You only died a few months ago. The big lug's afraid he's gonna lose it in front of a crowd. Like he did at your funeral. That was not a pretty scene, no siree."
Photos were projected onto the backdrop as her son spoke, in deep bass tones. It was jarring to see her son change from a tiny boy to a full-fledged man in matter of hours. Assuming those two boys were even the same. This version of her life sounded completely alien to her.
Voyager had critical maintenance issues which they struggled to fix. When their dilithium crystals supply was nearly exhausted, they'd been forced to abandon ship to join another race that was colonizing the nearby M-class planet, Iolanthe.
Apparently, she and her husband were members of the governing board of the colony that consisted of roughly a thousand people. They taught many subjects at the local academy: physics, anthropology quantum mechanics, and others. She and her son's studies of the local skies allowed them to identify a nearby wormhole to the Alpha Quadrant. Once they'd discovered this, they'd managed to scavenge sufficient dilithium crystals to allow a refurbished Voyager with a skeleton crew the opportunity to return to Earth. She hadn't been part of the mission.
It didn't sound remotely like her. Or like anything that she'd ever envisioned for her life. But the photos showed it all.
There she was holding a baby while another young boy with missing teeth posed proudly with a large fish still dangling on his fishing line. Another shot showed her entire family posing on a mountain peak, clad in climbing gear. Chakotay was carrying the youngest in his arms. There she was riding an exotic creature that resembled a horse. Apparently, her family members, especially her husband and oldest son, were experts in training them. Chakotay was in most of the shots as well. One featured a candid shot of an older version of she and her husband. Both were laughing and looking into each other's eyes.
She was smiling in every photo. A true smile that reached her eyes. Her love of her husband and sons clearly evident.
Her oldest son was so much like Chakotay – the quiet presence, the passion in his deep voice. She felt proud of his defiance and obvious love for her. It gave her the chills.
"The middle one usually resembles you the most. This one has been lobbying to attend Star Fleet academy most of his life. Don't let the third one fool you, he's the rebellious one. The Commander's gonna have his hands full. I'd say don't go for the third one but you usually do.
"By the way, you know they're not staying. They're returning to Iolanthe."
"What?" Damn it Q, her heart couldn't take much more of this.
"Your sons have never lived on Earth. Iolanthe is all they know. They're more comfortable with Jordian customs than those from Earth. Their family, their friends, their lives are all there. That's where your bones are buried. They only came to Earth for you. To honor you. Because they know how important Star Fleet was to you. They also wanted to be sure your memory was properly honored."
She felt like an idiot fighting back tears again.
"These can't be the only options."
Q became more serious. "No, I've reviewed over 1.3 million. I've eliminated the random early deaths or bit players. And scenarios where Voyager is simply destroyed. There are no guarantees. I've stuck to the main themes of your life. There are occasional flings with random aliens but those rarely amount to long term happiness."
"And what is my choice?" she asked, wanting to force him to say it aloud.
More serious, he said, "You know. Better move quickly." He snapped his fingers, and she was back, alone in her quarters on Voyager.
"Merry Christmas!" his voice echoed.
Was she choosing between returning to Earth and Chakotay?
No that wasn't right. They'd been up half the night, she was tired. Her brain wasn't working properly. In all four scenarios, Voyager had made it back to Earth. She was the only one who didn't make it back in the last version.
Was the choice love versus alcoholism?
But no, the first version was what she had envisioned for her life, what she had planned and sacrificed for. That had been a good version, the best version, right?
Then she remembered how many glasses of whiskey she'd seen herself down. The worthless boyfriend. The total lack of connection with significant others. The dead look in her eyes. It didn't come close to how her eyes sparkled in any of the Iolanthe photos.
Good heavens! Q had been exercising uncharacteristic restraint. She had been a functional alcoholic in the first version too.
The choice had always been between Star Fleet versus following her heart.
But she had both love and a career in Star Fleet in one version.
Maybe it was about finding the flexibility to allow for both.
What was she going to do?
XXXX
Towards the end of the senior officer's brunch, Janeway approached Chakotay. A few days ago, he'd asked her to go hiking with him in a holodeck program on Christmas day. She'd turned him down. She was hoping it wouldn't be hard to get him to change his mind.
He came to attention on her approach. "Captain."
"Any chance I can still join you on that hike?" Her face felt warm, knowing her intentions.
His smile became more genuine. "Of course."
She wasn't familiar the holodeck program that he'd selected. They were climbing rocky cliffs that abutted a beach. Hiking was pleasant but the terrain made it a little more rigorous than she'd expected. Occasionally she paused to wipe sweat from her forehead. Tiny yellow wildflowers dotted some of the plateaus. As they ascended, the water below appeared clear, blue, and sparkling. She and Chakotay chatted comfortably about inconsequential matters as they climbed.
After careful reflection, she had decided that she wanted to pursue a relationship with Chakotay. But making that happen felt daunting. While she'd made the decision in her head, she wasn't fully feeling it in her heart.
Was Q right? Was her heart hardening? Had she denied her emotions so often that she was no longer capable of fully feeling them?
Was it too late?
When they reached the summit, they collapsed on the ground beside each other.
"Now this is a view." Janeway said, admiring the cresting waves and the distant hills.
Chakotay reached into his backpack to pull out a blanket and a bottle of wine. He unrolled a blanket so they could sit upon it.
Janeway was impressed. "I see you came prepared."
He'd even brought wine glasses. After pouring wine into one, he handed it to her.
"To…" He said, with a twinkle in his dark eyes.
"A new year?" She suggested.
They clinked glasses and drank.
Once again, she wondered about this program. Was this recreated from an actual place? Did this hillside have relevance to Chakotay?
"Where are we?"
"Just a place I used to hike with my grandfather."
"I suppose you don't have any Christmas traditions."
"Not really. Several times a year, my grandfather and I would climb to the summit. Once we reached here, we'd sit quietly. Meditate. Sometimes for hours. That was rough as a young boy."
"I'll bet."
"He always spoke about how to look to the universal spirits for guidance. That you had to be quiet enough to hear them."
"Did you? Hear any voices?"
He smiled. "Not usually. But I loved spending time with him."
Getting more comfortable, Chakotay leaned back against a boulder. Janeway took the opportunity to rest her head against his chest. The feelings were starting to come back to her, the ones she hadn't allowed herself to experience as she listened to the soothing bass of his voice, his reverence for the past, his love for family and tradition.
Then she worried, what if Chakotay had changed his mind? What if he was no longer interested in her?
The Commander always chooses you.
As he spoke, she started to drift off.
"Am I boring you?"
She was embarrassed. "Not at all. I'm just tired. Q kept me up half the night."
His body became rigid. "Q?"
"No, it's fine." She reassured him. "He said he wanted to do something nice for me."
"And was it?" Chakotay was immediately suspicious and very protective of her. Now that she was allowing herself to care for him, she found that very appealing.
"Yes, it was. I'll tell you about it. Later."
He reached into his backpack again. "I have a present for you. I started it before I discovered you weren't my secret Santa."
"Thank you."
It had to be better than the pungent scented hand lotion that the Doctor had given her. She wondered what the small package was. When she opened it, she smiled. As she expected, the gift was something special, something unique that he'd made himself - a metallic sun pendant, made of copper-colored metal. She took it out of the box, admiring it.
"I didn't know you did metal work too. It's beautiful." Chakotay was a man of many talents.
"Sometimes. I didn't make the chain." He modestly explained.
The pendant was the extraordinary part of the necklace. Knowing him, she wondered if this meant she was the sunshine of his life. The man had poetry in his soul. It was gorgeous.
"I have a gift for you too." At least she hoped he would consider it as such.
He seemed surprised.
"Close your eyes. I hope you'll like it."
Feeling nervous and excited at the same time, she leaned forward to kiss him. His lips were surprisingly soft. The kiss was tentative at first but became more passionate as he realized what she was doing.
When they broke apart, he said, "This isn't just for today, is it? Or some 'What happens in the holodeck, stays in the holodeck' thing? Because I can't take that."
"No, I don't want that either".
His face brightened as he took in her words.
Suddenly, an Arabian night's style tent straight out of Scheherazade's tales appeared before them. A note floated down from the sky into Janeway's hands
"Let me guess – Q?" Chakotay said, nervously.
She read the note aloud. "Kathryn, I'm glad you figured it out. Here's a Christmas gift for you. No matter how much time you two spend here today, when you leave the holodeck program, only one hour will have elapsed in real time. Don't test it out or you'll waste the gift. Enjoy it and the goodies!"
The two exchanged curious glances and went to investigate. The tent wasn't Star Fleet regulation, composed of soft lamb's wool instead of nylon. The interior of the tent was illuminated by dozens of candles. Brightly colored oriental rugs covered the ground. A low mattress covered with silken sheets, soft blankets and dozens of ornate pillows was on one side. An elaborate picnic was laid out on top of a gold leaf printed cloth. Silver bowls filled with fresh fruit – strawberries, grapes, mangos, melons. There were silver platters crowded with hors d'oeuvres – fancy cheeses and crackers, fresh shrimp, and other delicacies. The wine most certainly was of a finer caliber than the bottles Janeway had given to her crew. Ornate hassocks were nearby for lounging.
"What do you think?" Chakotay said. "Do you trust Q?"
"Not really. But it would be a shame to let all this go to waste. We have our com badges so Voyager can reach us if necessary."
Janeway pulled him towards the bed.
"I think we have some unwrapping to do."
THE END
Merry Christmas!