Raphael was smarter and wiser than anyone truly knew. Well, he knew for a fact his siblings told him he was smart, but there were times he simply didn't feel that way. As leader, he was impulsive and impatient, always rushing into battle sai (or formally tonfa before they were destroyed) ablaze. He was never a planner, and that was how he led his team. Kick. Punch. Smash. It worked for him, for them.

He should have known his time as leader would end eventually, but he didn't expect it to end so soon after a glorious victory. They had defeated Shredder. They had won. He remembered hugging Mikey tight, yelling and whooping and cheering for pure joy. Until...

"Oh and Blue, you're the leader now." Dad told them without a second thought.

Had he heard those words correctly?

His world stopped then, crushing him like an overflowing avalanche cascading down a mountain. He was shocked, startled, betrayed and heartbroken at the news.

What did I do wrong?

Why was Leo now the leader?

He wanted to ask all those questions right away, though he knew he couldn't. He saw the glowing pride mixed with surprise in his little brother's eyes. He looked so happy and excited that there was no way he was going to ruin it for him.

He wasn't the only one who was unhappy with the news. Donnie, unlike Raph, had been extremely vocal in their disapproval for Leo's new role in the team. Ever since the announcement, they were more cold and distant, and every interaction with Leo ended in a screaming match.

Raph was the one to stop the fights before it got ugly. He was the one Donnie vented to about how dumb Leo was. He was the one who comforted Mikey after each horrible fight. He was the one Leo would go to for advice on how to properly handle said fight.

Before Raphael was a leader, he was a brother. That would never change. And his siblings were the best things in his life. So to keep them happy, he pushed his own feelings aside from then on. What did it matter if the former leader was jealous of his younger brother? It didn't matter that he was still bitter about how he was never given any proper training to be the leader, like Leo did. Or that he was always the one his littlest siblings went to...because their father was never willing to listen to their troubles. Raph was never busy, Raph was understanding, Raph was caring, Raph was the oldest, Raph was...

Raph's feelings did not matter. He grew to understand that.

He hoped that the cruise vacation would be just what they all needed. A break from the arguments, the tears, the pain. A chance to relax and enjoy each other's company after an entire year of suffering.

He thought of the first few nights there. The laughs he shared with his family. The warmth inside that made his heart swell with happiness. The euphoria in his smile as he dreamt that night.

He thought of his dance with Mona Lisa, and forgot his harsh reality. He laughed when she laughed. Her eyes sparkled madly when he turned her in a clumsy twirl. Maybe he was meant to be happy instead. This trip might finally be the first few steps of a better life. Best of all, he didn't have to bottle his emotions inside for once.

Then it all came crumbling down.

He hadn't been fast enough. He was too focused on helping Mona Lisa fight off this disgusting mutant sea slug to hear Donnie scream for help. His sibling was on the other side of the ship, seizing in pain from a powerful stingray. He saw Filch's claws grasping the mutagen gun, pointing at his sibling...

He dropped everything and ran. He heard Mikey's shouts, he felt Mona pull him back, but he didn't stop running. He would save Donne in the nick of time, and everything would be okay.

He just didn't anticipate Leonardo would have the same thought process.

He failed. Massively.

All of a sudden his feelings, his jealousy, his pain, his frustrations became petty and unimportant.

Leo was gone.

And that moment forward, Raph decided he had to fix it. He didn't know how he was going to do it, but he was. For the sake of his family.

There were no words to properly articulate how Donatello was feeling, despite their vast knowledge and vocabulary. No matter how much they concentrated, no words came through. Except...

"Oh and Blue, you're the leader now." "What?"

Disbelief.

"Listen if you're jealous that I was made leader and not you: That's your problem, not mine."

Jealousy.

"Well maybe we wouldn't be in this situation if somebody had contacted Raph in the first place like he was supposed to!"

Rage.

"Just breathe, Donnie. You can't keep doing this to yourself." The voice of Mind Raph assured them, although at the time they didn't know what he meant.

Helpless.

"On the contrary I have just enough to use on one victim. I've never mutated a mutant before, I wonder what sort of monster you'll turn into? Double the mutation!"

They thought they were doomed. They thought the gun held in Fishface's webbed claws would activate, mutating them into a horrible, mindless monster. Perhaps this was their karma for how awful they had been.

Fear.

But that never happened, or at least how any of them expected.

"No!" They heard Leonardo shouts before taking the hit instead. It happened so fast, Donnie had not a second to register it. Their brother, their protective brother, had saved them.

Their brother sprawled to the ground, panting heavily as he struggled to stay alive.

Donnie clenched their jaw, reliving the memory of Leo's howling cries hitting their ear slits as his body mutated. They could hear each bone contort and change, but there was nothing they, or anyone else could do to stop it.

Shock.

Raph's arms were holding on to them for dear life, assuming comforting words that left no impact, "It'll be okay, I promise."

Denial.

"It's your fault Leo's like this!"

Guilt.

There were several words that Donnie could use to describe how they were feeling. But the one that spoke to them the loudest, was numb.

They were numb to the world.

Hamato Donatello was gifted with knowledge that most adults didn't have. Knowledge, wisdom, wit, and the skills to create wonderful inventions made out of scraps and metal. They were a problem solver, and they always have been.

You're smart Dee, I'm sure you'll figure that whole process out."

But this was one problem they couldn't solve. They just didn't have the guts to admit it.

Why did everyone have to solely rely on them to fix it? And if they didn't turn Leo back to normal, that weight would carry on them for an eternity. Like climbing a flight of stairs with a ball and chain tied to their leg. The ball only gets heavier and the stairs only get longer, and with nothing stopping them except the encouragement of those watching them suffer in silence.

'It's my job to fix this. Not because I can or know how, but because it's my fault this happened. Do it for Leo. Do it for everyone.'

The purple turtle reached for a nearby stone on the sandy path. It was firm and not flat enough to skim but they tossed it into the ocean anyway. Predictably it landed with one, pitiful splash. Donnie sighed. It was hopeless. They didn't know the first thing about reversing a mutation. Perhaps Draxum did, but even still...

The palm trees rustled behind them. They jumped subtly, aware that it wasn't the wind or an animal. It was footsteps, a snap of a twig from being stepped on and then abrupt silence.

Donnie didn't even bother reaching for their staff, and instead snapped at the person behind them, "Didn't I make it perfectly transparent (that means clear, in case you didn't know), that I'd like to be alone?"

"Even me?"

Though their expression was hardened from exhaustion, their shoulders slumped, comforted by her presence, "April." they murmured, sounding fond, but tired.

She joined their side, trying to meet their stubborn gaze.

"I don't want to talk about my feelings," They said bitterly.

"Relax." April held her hands up in surrender. "I didn't come here for that." She frowned.

"Can you look at me though? Please?"

Reluctantly, their eyes met hers. She studied them carefully.

"Did you sleep last night?"

"No."

"I didn't sleep much either," April admitted softly. "Couldn't stop thinking about..." she trailed off once she saw Donnie wince. She tried a different approach. "You're tired and hungry. I know you Dee. Come on, let's get some food and rest a bit and then you'll feel better."

"I won't feel better until he's back and safe."

"Which he will be." Her voice was firm and certain. "Don't give me that look. He will be. We can't turn him back to normal if we're exhausted."

"We?"

"Yes, we." April folded her arms. "You, me, Raph, Mikey, Lisa. We're a team!" She pumped her fist in the air, only to deflate when Donnie didn't copy her motion.

"No. No, I have to fix this myself. The reverse mutating part at least. I'm the only one who can actually do it."

"You can't possibly pile that entire burden on yourself. You couldn't figure that out by yourself either."

"Well obviously!" Donnie's voice cracked. "Do you have to rub it in?" April automatically reached for them- which they rejected with a flinch and a tense turn away from her.

"Donnie, I didn't mean- I just meant it's a lot. Please, let us help you. Let me help you," She paused, memories flooding back to yesterday's events.

"I don't understand why you're being so calm!" Mikey snapped, glaring daggers at his sibling. "Especially when it's your fault Leo's like this!"

How could she not have realized sooner? She knew her best friend well, and that comment still left a painful mark. No doubt they would believe those words- even if it was only yelled out in a brief moment of rage. Mikey was so sweet, that it was incredibly jarring to hear- and the box turtle regretted it too, clearly.

"This...whole thing is because of what Mikey said, isn't it?"

Numb. That was what Donnie felt. Still, they made no indication that they were suffering, "I need to fix this."

"We will." April confirmed, taking their hand and squeezing it. To her relief, they didn't retract away. "It isn't your fault, Donnie and we will fix this. Do not put this entirely on yourself."

They looked mournfully at the ocean. "I should...I should get some rest."

She gave them a watery chuckle, watching them slip away back to the campsite and following them close behind. "I love you Donnie."

They stopped, a ghost of a smile appearing across their face.

"Love you too."

Donnie's initial plan was to head back to camp, claim to be taking a very long nap and instead focus entirely on turning Leo back to normal. Of course, none of that came to be, because as soon as they returned together with April, they were bombarded by Michelangelo who shoved some kind of dish (that was not gumbo this time) in their hands.

"I saw you missed breakfast so I figured I'd getcha something!"

Donnie bowed their head slightly as a nod of thanks, hoping to take it to go, but Mikey stopped them.

"Lisa has something to tell us! Take a seat and start eating before it gets cold."

He was trying to make amends, even after Donnie had forgiven him. Donnie would be lying if they didn't appreciate that.

Much to the surprise of no one, Lisa was with Raph. It was almost laughable to see them act like fools around each other, sharing quick glances and blushing madly. When it was time for the announcement to actually happen, Lisa raised her voice to the group.

"I'd like to be called Mona Lisa from now on."

And that was that. Mikey seemed more chipper, thrilled that they all had matching art names, whilst April seemed to have known all along that the name change was going to happen. Donnie simply didn't care too much, but politely gave a half hearted congratulations before retreating.

They flopped on their makeshift bed, dwelling inside what their next plan would be.

'If I can get some of Leo's blood samples... combine it with my own mutated DNA and perhaps some ooze that Barry has then maybe...'

"I need to write this down." They mumbled, grabbing their phone and jotting down information in the notes app. "His mutated DNA has to be different from mine, seeing as he was mutated twice. That's never happened before so I'm working with..." they snapped their mouth shut upon hearing heavy footsteps behind them- of course belonging to none other than their overly concerned elder brother.

"Don?"

"What's a fella gotta do to get away from you people?" They demanded, spinning around dramatically. Their anger did not last long upon seeing Raph's shattered expression. Instantly they felt a pang of regret. "Raph, bud, I didn't mean to..."

"No, s' okay. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'll leave ya be."

Donnie's eyes watered, now feeling more helpless and exhausted than ever. As Raph turned to leave, they crumpled to the floor, hoping their sobs would have the decency to be quiet to save their dignity.

They weren't quiet. The sobs turned into muffled, hiccuppy squeaks which were painfully audible. They only ceased when Raphael laid a gentle arm around them, then moved just a little closer until they were pulled into a secure hug.

"Donnie?" He tried to be gentle while resting one hand to his sibling's shaking shoulders, "What's wrong?"

"Everything." They mumbled, hating how weak their voice sounded.

"Shhh...I'm here now. I'm here, Dee." He looked down mournfully. "I came to check on you 'cause April was worried. We all can tell you're hurting," He moved an inch to give Donnie some space. "I've been doin' a whole lot of thinkin' and I wanted to properly apologize."

"Huh?"

"About what I said yesterday."

Donnie blinked.

"You know! I made it sound like you're gonna be the one to turn Leo back all by yourself an' that must have been so stressful to hear. I shouldn't have put so much pressure on you."

"Oh. That."

"Yeah, that. Which would explain why you were..."

They stiffened, scowling slightly, "I wasn't crying."

"I didn't say you were," Raph assured them, before adding, "I miss him too. We'll get him back, I promise."

"I'll get him back," They corrected. "I'll turn him back to normal as soon as I figure out how."

Raph wanted to throw his arms up in exasperation, "No, no, no that's 'zactly why I was apologizing! I don't want you doing this," He gestured comically, "all by yourself."

"Everyone keeps saying that, but I have to fix it. I know you didn't mean to pin it on me, however-" Donnie resumed their typing. "Seeing as this was entirely my fault (a fact I seldom thought I'd ever admit aloud), I figured I'd take one for the team."

"What?" The snapping turtle snatched the gauntlet from his younger sibling's wrist, holding it up above his head.

"Hey! Give that back!"

"Not until you admit what you said was wrong! How the heck is this your fault?" Raph shook his head in disbelief. "That makes no sense. So tell me why you think that."

"Return my tech gauntlet and I'll tell you."

"Hm..." he pretended to think for a moment. "I dunno."

"Hamato Raphael! I demand that you present my tech gauntlet post haste!" They attempted to climb their brother's spiked carapace, only to flop backwards into the sand. Frustrated, they tried one last tactic. "Please?"

"Why do you think this is all your fault?"

"Give it back."

"Stop avoiding the question." He snapped back, unaware he drove Donnie into a corner. "Tell me why you think this is your fault."

The younger turtle sighed, accepting that Raph was too stubborn to back down. "You know I've been jealous of Leo being the leader." They didn't wait for him to reply. "I was so angry about it, I've been wondering why it couldn't have been me. I know that sounds selfish, I don't need you to tell me."

'Boy, do I know how that feels.' Raph thought.

"You're probably wondering how this relates to anything. Well, before you saved us from Filch, Leon and I had a fight. Tensions were high, we were all scared, but I lost my temper. I said things I shouldn't have, basically implied he wasn't fit to be the leader.

Then of course, I got into trouble again. I thought I was a goner, I thought Filch was gonna mutate me and I was terrified." Their voice trembled."I saw you running to help me but I didn't even see Leo and then-" Their eyes went wide, as if they were replaying the events again. "He saved me. Even after all I said to him, he still saved me. I mean, shit, how can that not be my fault? If I had just gotten away in time, he would still be here." They hugged their knees. "If I wasn't so jealous and resentful, he wouldn't be...well...you know."

Raphael had been listening the entire time, pondering each word with enough care to speak from the heart. "He would have saved you regardless."

"What?"

"Not saying you're not capable of saving yourself, you are but we're a family and we fight for each other. No matter what you said, or what you did, we'll always want to love and protect you. If I had been faster, I'd probably have been mutated too. Because Donnie, we would go above and beyond to make sure you guys are safe. Leo's exactly the same," He rested one hand to his knee. "It was a huge adjustment when he became leader. I was upset, even a little jealous too. The point...the point is we're gonna save him. I swear. All five of us. An' we'll kick Filch's fish butt in the process so he'll never cause us anymore harm."

"You were jealous too?" Donnie asked suddenly.

"What? No, no I didn't say that-"

"Yeah you did," They propped one leg up and cocked their head to one side. "Y'know, you don't have to deny it. I'm not the only one who has feelings."

Raph bit his lip. "I was jealous, but not really? I was more confused than anything. Like, I was wondering what I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong! You helped us defeat the Shredder."

"Then why was Leo..." His eyebrows furrowed. "Now I sound selfish. I don't want to be, especially now but..."

"It was a lot to take in."

"I didn't even ask how Leo felt."

"Me neither."

"When we turn him back, we have to talk. All four of us."

Donnie didn't perk up at that, they merely hummed in acknowledgement. "If we turn him back." They corrected.

Raph's leg started to bounce up and down, an anxious tick that always started whenever he didn't know what else to say. Before he could stop himself, he blurted out: "Magtiwala!"

Donnie raised an eyebrow, tilted their head, and stared at their brother for a long time as though he had lost his mind.

"Magtiwala. It's um, Tagalog. The language they speak in the Philippines, it's-"

"I know what Tagalog is, I'm not ignorant. But why did you say that?"

"It means to have faith," Raphael's grin widened. "Which I think we all need right now."

Donnie's puzzled stare switched to a smug smirk. "Did your girlfriend tell you that?" They teased, enjoying as Raph nearly fell backwards in shock.

"Girlfriend? What girlfriend?" He sputtered, carefully sitting back up as naturally as he could, "I don't see any girlfriends here! Nope!"

"Fine. Be that way. They rolled their eyes, tsking. "Did Mona Lisa tell you that?"

Raphael blushed, rubbing the back of his neck, "Nooo...? It's a quote from uhhh...Gandhi?" His voice went uncharacteristically high.

"Gandhi?" Donnie repeated dryly. "Uh-huh."

"What? He could have said it."

"I know Mona's Fillipina, she told me-"

"I don't know why you keep bringing her up when clearly I was quoting Gandhi."

"You're not fooling anyone, Raphael," Donnie snorted. "You like her."

He exhaled. "Is it that obvious?"

"Let me put it this way: You're as subtle as a sandstorm in New Mexico."

Raph started to whistle casually.

Donnie groaned. "Yes! Yes it's extremely obvious! I may be asexual and have terrible social cues but even I can pick up on that." Their smile faded when they noticed Raph's downcast expression. "You can tell her, you know."

"I mean, obviously I care about her and want to tell her but I can't. Not when Leo's life is at stake."

"Guess we have a lot to talk about when this is over."

Raph huffed a laugh. "You bet. Some vacation, huh?"

They shared a light laugh, not realizing how long they had been talking. The sun was starting to set against the peach, gold and red streaked skies. All was peaceful, until they heard more footsteps- small, flighty but running with purpose approached from behind.

"Guys!" the littlest turtle exclaimed, looking wide eyed and frantic.

"Mikey, what's wrong?" Raphael demanded, seeing the distress in his brother's eyes and mannerism.

"It's - I-" He started gasping, shaking like a leaf.

"Mikey?"

"It's Leo. I found him!"