The conversation lasted for close to two hours before all parties involved felt drained but motivated to start fresh tomorrow with a plan of attack.
It was going on midnight and after having said goodnight and goodbye to T'Challa and Shuri everyone decided that tomorrow was going to be a busy enough day that they needed to call it a night.
Slowly, one by one they all made their way down to the dorm areas and their respective bedrooms. The only one that made no sign of moving was Bucky. If anything he seemed to be settling himself in to stay late into the night right there on the couch.
Sam had a feeling he knew what was wrong, so after everyone had left he settled in on the opposite couch that Bucky had spread out on. He was already randomly flipping through channels trying to find something mind-numbing enough to help him while away the hours until pure exhaustion took over and he had no choice but to sleep.
Bucky's nightmares had been returning most every night lately. Tony even went so far as to have a soundproofing device installed on his door to try to cancel out some of the disturbing sounds coming from inside. On the really bad nights, nights that they had returned from missions or that maybe a training session had gotten too intense, Bucky often just sat up and watched the TV on mute or read until his eyes just couldn't' stay open any longer.
Bucky absolutely hated that he disturbed everyone's sleep but sometimes it took him a very long time to pull himself from the dreams and finally wake up. Then he was typically so shaken from them that he had no intention of falling back to sleep. So he figured it was just best he cut the night down to as few hours as possible for everyone considered.
"So are we going to talk about it or are you just going to watch the '44 World Series again for the third time," Sam asked, not looking at Bucky but rather sitting silently allowing his friend time to gather his thoughts.
A couple minutes passed and Bucky shut off the TV. The only light in the room coming from the soft glow of two lamps at the head of either couch. He heaved a deep sigh before finally speaking, "I don't want to have another nightmare tonight, Sam."
Sam watched as Bucky sat up and leaned forward resting his arms on his thighs before covering his face with his hands. "Today was such a good day, I don't want to ruin it by going to sleep."
Bucky's voice broke as he confessed his fear to Sam.
Sam wasn't just Bucky's friend, he was also a war vet and counselor that had worked closely with other soldiers that suffered similar PTSD symptoms as Bucky. So, Sam thought carefully about his question before he asked it, "What makes you think you'll have another nightmare tonight? You're right, you have had a good day today for the most part. Doesn't that allow room for happy thoughts?"
Sam watched as Bucky flexed the fingers on his metal arm, a tension releasing technique he had taught him a few months back for when he felt too stressed with no outlet for relief.
"Because nothing good for me ever lasts." Sam watched as Bucky hung his head low, resigned to the fact that all he felt he deserved was heartache.
Being a guy's guy, Sam knew emotions and showing those emotions to anyone wasn't very high on the list of favorite things to do for Bucky, so Sam knew he had to think before speaking. Bucky didn't need platitudes or fortune cookie words of wisdom, right now he needed a friend that was willing to listen even if he couldn't give him all the answers.
"Life has thrown one hell of a mountain at you man, I ain't gonna lie about that." Bucky slowly looked up at Sam as he spoke. "But one thing I've learned from you is that you never give up. Even when things look at their worse, you somehow keep going, you keep fighting. That's a kind of drive I've not seen in a lot of people."
Bucky relaxed back against the couch thinking about what Sam was saying. "You've always been a fighter. As long as I've known you, you've fought for every single thing you have, sometimes even when it costs you the most."
"But one thing you've only begun to scratch the surface of is asking for help." Bucky frowned at that, wasn't he asking for help right now? Didn't this count as making progress in that area?
"Yeah I can tell in that brain of yours that you are offended right now thinking I don't notice us talking right now as making progress," Sam said, smirking when Bucky frowned at having been called out like that.
"It is progress man, but you've got to learn to allow others in before it builds up so much your more like Krakatoa or Mount Vesuvius instead of just a little tremor. If you allow others to help you, if you accept the help others give you even when you aren't directly looking for it, then it will seem less like you are holding onto those good things with your fingernails and more like grabbing on to them with both arms and holding them securely against you."
"You've got it built up in your mind right now that if you blink Madison will be gone, that the one good thing you've found will just disappear. Like that dream connection you made with her today."
Bucky tried to hide the blush that covered his face before Sam could see but he wasn't fast enough, "I'm not going to ask you what you two did," Sam said, wiggling his eyebrows at Bucky causing him to laugh out loud, "but you are forgetting she's right there, right down the hall. She's not going anywhere and you haven't lost that good thing. You just have to reach out and accept it rather than allow it to slip through your fingers."
Standing, Sam decided it was time for him to head to bed and leave his friend to think about all they had said. Passing by him he paused and rested his hand on Bucky's shoulder, "You are a good man Buck, don't allow your past to control you forever. No matter how much you try to deny it, you deserve happiness and peace just like the rest of us."
With that Sam gave Bucky a gentle pat of the shoulder and walked slowly down the hall to his own room.
Bucky sat there thinking about all Sam had said. He was sometimes his own worst enemy. If Tony could find a way to make peace with him, even after he had, well the Winter Soldier had killed his parents, couldn't he allow himself some forgiveness as well?
Getting up from the couch, Bucky stretched and decided he might as well try sleep. After turning off all of the lamps he made his way down the hall. He paused outside of Madison's door, resting his forehead there on the cool wood. He could picture her lying there, so lovely in the night. Her room was an outside room and so she had windows that lined two walls, he could imagine she would eventually lay there at night looking out at the stars as everyone else slept.
Giving a deep sigh he continued on to his own bedroom further down the hall. Entering his room he kicked off his boots at the door before padding into his bathroom. That was definitely one perk of living in a facility owned and designed by one Tony Stark, every luxury you could think of was made available. If he didn't have it, then it wasn't worth having.
Grabbing a towel and draping it over the shower door, Bucky stripped off all of his clothes and tossed them into his hamper. Tony had a cleaning staff that came in every week to do standard chores, but Bucky liked to wash his own clothes, plus no one was allowed into his room. So he took care of upkeep and cleaning of his own surroundings.
Turning on the faucet's hot water he adjusted the temperature until it was a soothing heat before dipping his head under the water. The hot water helped to ease the tension he felt in the muscles of his back as he rested his forehead against the cool shower wall. It wasn't like he had a time limit on the hot water since the compound was fitted with a system that provided an endless supply, but he also knew he couldn't stand there forever.
He reached for the shampoo and made quick work of his hair, lathering and rinsing it before lathering his wash cloth with the body wash he preferred. He couldn't help but chuckle at that. Back in the 40's growing up they used the same soap for everything and now he had a specific soap for his hair, his clothes, his body and he even had a specific one for his hands on the sink. Why he found that funny he wasn't sure.
Listening to the water falling around him was soothing and it helped to settle his mind. He could feel his eyelids getting heavier as he finished up. After having rinsed off one final time he turned off the water and reached for his towel. Wrapping it around his waist, he carefully stepped out of the shower on to the bathmat. He reached for another smaller towel to begin drying his hair as he padded over to peer into the vanity mirror over his sink.
He scrubbed vigorously at his hair making it stand on ends as he laughed at his image in the mirror. Reaching for his brush he began running it through his hair to calm it back down and to get some of the tangles out before pulling it back and securing it with a hair tie. Looking in the mirror again he turned his head one way, then the other checking out his profile. Should he think about cutting his hair, 'was it time for a change' he wondered to himself. 'I wonder what Madison would say,' popped into his head before he realized he had been thinking about her again.
It didn't take Bucky too much longer to finish up his nightly routine of brushing his teeth, and cleaning up the bathroom before he padded barefoot back out to his room. He opened one of his dresser drawers and pulled out a pair of royal blue sleep pants and a black pair of Calvin Klein boxer briefs to sleep in. Turning around he plopped on the end of his bed preparing to dress for the night. Looking down at the pair of underwear in his hand he couldn't help but laugh to himself again at how much his life had changed. This one pair of boxers cost him, on sale, the same amount as a six pack of no name branded underwear would have, and this was only intended to cover his ass. He looked over at the boots he had kicked off at the door, laughed and fell backwards on the bed. "How weird is my life," Bucky said to himself.
He lay there looking up at the ceiling for another twenty minutes thinking that with as tired as he felt surely he would just drift off to sleep even if he wasn't dressed for it. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the case tonight. Bucky had counted and recounted the number of tiles in his room's ceiling and he still wasn't tired enough yet to doze off.
So instead he sit up and finished dressing. He returned to the bathroom and hung his towel up to dry before returning the few steps back to his bed. Looking down at it, it really did look comfortable. He had a deep red comforter filled with goose down feathers that Wanda swore was the best of the best. The sheets were Egyptian cotton whatever the hell that meant. They were super soft and cool to the touch which helped a lot when you often woke up from a bad night's sleep drenched in sweat. Plus the mattress was one of those sleep number beds that he could make as firm as he wanted. Sleeping on a bed that was too soft made him very uncomfortable. For so many years he had slept on the floor or the ground depending on whose control he was under. Sleeping on a soft bed made him feel like lying on a marshmallow and he was going to sink right through. At least with this bed he could make it more firm, although he typically would end up back on the floor before morning came anyway.
He was never going to be able to get to sleep if he didn't actually get into the bed, so why the hell wasn't he crawling in and getting settled like he knew he should. It was already going on two in the morning and that six o'clock morning run Sam and Steve drug him out on would get here before he knew it.
But as hard as he tried to convince himself, he just couldn't seem to get into bed. He began to think back to what Sam had said earlier, 'but you are forgetting she's right there, right down the hall. She's not going anywhere and you haven't lost that good thing. You just have to reach out and accept it rather than allow it to slip through your fingers.'
Bucky turned his head to his bedroom door. Thinking about his next step.
Walking over to his dresser he pulled out a tank top and slipped it over his head, as he made for the door. He had to do this before he talked himself out of it.
The soft pads of his feet sounded to him like horse hooves clomping down a brick street as he tried to slip silently down the hall back to Madison's bedroom door. He could practically feel his heart in his throat as his hand settled on the door knob ready to turn it.
Closing his eyes he opened the door before he allowed himself to think about it too much and slipped into the room, softly closing the door behind him. He didn't turn around yet. Part of him wondered if he was being a bit pervey sneaking into Madison's room like this especially when no one else knew he was doing it.
Bucky slowly turned around finding Madison exactly as he had left her earlier. You could tell that the staff had been in and changed her clothes again for a fresh gown. This one had little yellow daisies on it which seemed to suit her. Slowly he walked to Madison's bed, watching to see if she would register that he was there. The monitors were still attached to her hands showing the slow and steady beat of her heart. Easing himself back down in to the chair he had previously sat in it didn't take Bucky long to reach his hand out to take Madison's. Closing his eyes, breathing deeply and then opening them again he couldn't help the smile covering his face when he was greeted with the night sky again from earlier. Only this time instead of the swing, he was sitting on a soft blanket that had been spread out on the ground. There were pillows and bed coverings around him. There was a slight chill to the air that fell on his bare arms which made him look again at his left arm. Again, it was his arm, not the vibranium one he saw.
"What took you so long, handsome," came the sweet voice he wanted to hear so badly. Turning and looking up he watched as Madison came closer. This time her hair had been pulled back into a loose ponytail that lay at the nape of her neck. Stray hairs fell around her face as she got down on her knees in front of Bucky, smiling that smile that felt like it was only for him.
Madison was beautiful to him. Reaching up he tucked a few stray hairs behind her ear before answering her, "I couldn't sleep." Bucky couldn't help but look down and away at admitting to having trouble sleeping. Confessing weaknesses, as had been pointed out plenty of times before, was not his strong point.
Madison just smiled as she crawled over to the empty side of the makeshift bed and lay down. Bucky wasn't sure where this newfound confidence Madison was displaying was coming from, but he wasn't complaining either. He felt on shaking ground right now, trying to be a gentlemen above everything else, so he figured it was best to let her decide where this went.
She patted the spot next to her on the bed inviting Bucky to lay down beside her, to which he did. However, he did make a point of staying above the covers to avoid temptation.
Madison reached for Bucky's hand and suddenly their surroundings changed again in the blink of an eye and instead of outside they were in the compound. Bucky couldn't help but be startled by the change, looking to Madison. "Don't worry, I'm not awake yet. We're still dreaming, I just wanted to see what you see for a little bit is all."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Bucky couldn't help the sudden feeling of disappointment as he thought he was no longer in the world Madison had created for them. Instead she continued to amaze Bucky by using him to build a more realistic world that they were currently sharing.
Laying side by side, Bucky could feel his eyelids beginning to droop again as they had earlier when he thought he was finally tired, only this time he really did feel like he could drop off to sleep. He tried hard to fight it. Finally he was where he wanted to be, staring into the eyes of the one person he could have looked at forever and all he could think about was wanting to sleep.
Madison gave a soft giggle as she watched Bucky trying to fight sleep like an overly tired toddler. Each time his eyes would fully close he would shake himself awake, trying to pull himself back. Finally Madison decided he needed the rest as she began to trace patterns slowly and gently along the features of his face. She ran her finger tips along Bucky's dark eyebrows, along the bridge of his nose, across his lips, up one side and down the other of his jawline, fascinated by the slight dimple in his chin, memorizing every inch along the way.
Before he knew what was happening, Bucky was asleep.
Madison stayed awake for just a few minutes longer, watching as the corners of Bucky's mouth turned up or down slightly as he dreamed. She could feel sleep pulling her under as well and so before her eyes drifted shut and she allowed her mind to settle for the night. Madison leaned forward slowly so as not to awake Bucky and lightly kissed the corner of his mouth as she had earlier. This made him smile in his sleep which made Madison's heart flutter to think she had somehow made him happy.
Silence filled the room as both Madison and Bucky settled in for a well-deserved nights rest.
The alarm blaring next to his head was not his preferred method of waking up, but Steve had promised to go running this morning with Sam and Bucky so he knew he needed to get up and get going. His typical alarm of jazz music would have only encouraged him to sleep in and relax after the long night everyone had yesterday.
Sitting up on the side of the bed Steve rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he mentally encouraged himself to get up. After finally winning the battle over not giving up and just going back to bed, it didn't take long for Steve to be dressed and out the door. Entering the kitchen area he realized he was the only one present which was strange because Bucky was typically up before everyone else.
Bucky was very much not a morning person, especially before he got his first cup of coffee in him. Turning around Steve came face-to-face with Sam who also was ready and made to grab a quick bite before heading out the door.
"Don't tell me we somehow beat Bucky out here this morning," Sam quipped as he grabbed an apple from the bowl of fruit on the kitchen island.
Steve just stood there wondering where his friend could be. It wasn't like him to just not show up, especially when it was preplanned. "I have no idea where he's at." Steve was just as perplexed by this change in routine as Sam was. Both men walked back down the hallway and turned the corner towards Bucky's bedroom. Sam took a bite from his apple before knocking loudly on Bucky's door. "Come on man, rise and shine. We got our lazy asses out of bed this early, you can too," Sam said smiling at Steve who only shook his head at Sam's antics.
Bucky and Sam were slowly building a friendship off of mutual respect, but Sam still liked to pick at Bucky from time to time to get under his skin.
When there was still no answer to their knock or call, Steve slowly opened the door to peek in calling out his friend's name. Opening the door completely, Steve and Sam saw that Bucky's bed was made and looked like it hadn't been slept in. The light to the bathroom was off, so there was nowhere else he could have been hiding, at least not in this room.
Shutting the door both men were puzzled as to where to look next. "Maybe he left for the run early. He wasn't having the greatest night last night when we all turned in," Sam offered as a reason for Bucky's absence.
Walking back down the hall and turning back toward the kitchen both men saw Natasha leaning against the open doorway of Madison's room. Steve loudly called out to Nat to ask her if she had seen Bucky this morning or not.
Nat shushed them both, telling them to lower their voices as she motioned for them to come and see what she was seeing. As the two men joined Nat outside of Madison's door neither were prepared for what they saw.
Bucky and Madison were both turned on their sides facing one another, still fast asleep. Steve realized Bucky must have been practically dead to the world because the sound of the door opening by Nat normally would have awoken him. He tended to be a very light sleeper.
"Has he been here all night," Sam whispered to Nat who just smiled and shook her head yes.
"He must have joined her sometime after we all went to bed. She was fine when I checked on her before turning in last night," Nat said, trying to subtlety wipe a tear from the corner of her eye.
"Come on," Steve said, reaching for the door to shut it and leave Bucky and Maddie to continue sleeping.
"He just gets to sleep in while you drag my ass on this run," Sam whispered to Steve before smiling and popping his buddies shoulder good-naturedly. "Alright, but you know I'm going to beat you this time," Sam said, beginning to jog toward the front door of the compound.
"Sam, I could give you a twenty minute head start and I'd still have to wait for you to catch me," Steve came back, laughing as he jogged off behind his friend.
"Oh is that how it's gonna be? That's cold man, that's just cold." Sam and Steve laughed as they exited the compound, Nat however remained behind staring at the closed door to Madison's room. No one was there to hear her whisper, "James, you are falling hard and don't even realize it."
Turning towards the kitchen Natasha was met with a very tired looking Wanda that she pulled to her once she met up with her and linked their arms as they walked together to get breakfast started. "I've got to tell you what just happened," Nat said to Wanda as the two women began giggling together.