The Next Morning

Sleep had never been an easy thing for Bucky. But last night had to have been one of the best night's sleep he had in a very long time. Lying awake, Bucky concentrated on the ceiling and his breathing. Slowly in and out he breathed as he allowed his fingers to gently caress Madison's head that was currently lying on his chest. Peace and contentment, those were the two feelings he knew for certain he was feeling right now. For once he was actually looking forward to going to therapy. He wanted to tell Dr. Raynor about all that had happened this past week. Sure, she would probably think he was exaggerating or maybe even making it up, but enough weird shit had happened lately that she also knew to take just about anything dealing with the Avengers with a grain of salt.

Bucky couldn't help but wonder what her thoughts would be when he told her about Madison. Would she be all for it since the new relationship made him happy and finally seemed to give him some peace, or would she be skeptical and tell him he was rushing things? The only way to find out was to get up, get dressed and get out the door. But right now he was terribly comfortable. Madison had a fairly firm mattress much like his own, so he was comfortable with that. Having her so near to him, her breath warming part of his skin as she continued to breathed deeply in her sleep was mesmerizing. Each movement she made brought her closer to him. Her leg was currently thrown over his and her arm was tossed over his waist as her head rested on his chest. Just a few inches more and she would be practically sleeping on top of him. All he knew right in that moment though was how wonderful it felt to be needed by someone else. Someone was drawing comfort from his presence and that made Bucky feel like he had a purpose.

Unfortunately, Bucky did have to get up but he wasn't sure how he was going to be able to withdraw himself from underneath Madison and not wake her. Sure Madison was a fairly heavy sleeper. Last night, around four Bucky needed to go to the bathroom. He both went and came back without Madison even being bothered when the light came on. All she did was readjust her position when he came back to how she slept now. This caused Bucky to chuckle silently to himself. She really was dead to the world when she slept.

Reaching down, Bucky ran his fingers along Madison's ribcage which caused her to jerk slightly to get away from the intrusive feeling. He had learned a few days ago that she was super ticklish so he had a feeling this would come in handy one day. She flung herself on her back almost like a starfish in bed, her messy hair covering part of her face. Reaching down, Bucky gently stroked her cheek pushing her hair away before leaning down to kiss her goodbye.

Slipping out of bed, Bucky silently made it to Madison's door before breathing a sigh of relief that he hadn't woken her. Closing the door just as quietly behind him, he was slightly startled when he saw Sam leaning against the wall watching.

"Sneaky, sneaky Buck. What would her papa say about all of this?" Sam was a morning person. He enjoyed the early morning hours most days and he really enjoyed teasing Bucky. The more they became friends, the more Bucky responded with teasing back rather than just a stony stare back.

"Papa doesn't need to know about this now does he, Samuel," Bucky said, using Sam's full first name to emphasize his point.

Walking quickly behind him, Sam caught up as Bucky rounded the corner of the hall heading towards his own room.

"Did you want to join me for a run this morning," Sam asked his friend who was quickly trying to retreat to his room.

"I can't this morning," Bucky said actually sounding sorry to have to turn Sam down. "I've got therapy this morning with Raynor."

"Hey, I'm sorry I couldn't work that out for you," Sam said behind Bucky's back as he opened his bedroom door. "I really did try to get it switched so that you and I could work together like we talked about. The court just said that it might do more good to have an outside opinion, rather than someone so close to it all."

Bucky regarded his friend and how disappointed he seemed to be, "It's really okay, Sam. Dr. Raynor isn't so bad."

"You just seem to always come back in a poor mood whenever you see her is all. I don't know man. It just seems like she's always finding ways to take the little bits of joy out of your day."

"She would call it being realistic and focusing on the here and now, not looking at the glass as half full or empty but rather just acknowledging that the glass always has room for improvement." Sam listened as Bucky tried to explain Dr. Raynor's philosophy on his situation. But Sam didn't totally agree with her methods. Their counseling tactics were definitely different. Sam focused on being positive and finding something good to look forward to or a goal to work towards. When Sam and Bucky talked, Bucky seemed to really be improving on opening up about his feelings and his fears. Those were huge steps for Bucky. Each week though it seemed to Sam that he took a step back after his weekly therapy visit at the VA.

Bucky left the bedroom door open, telling Sam to come in while he slipped into the bathroom to change. Grabbing some jeans and a t-shirt from his dresser, Bucky stepped into the bathroom to change while Sam kept talking.

"So are you going to tell the doctor about Madison," Sam called out to Bucky.

It was quiet a moment or two leaving Sam to wonder if he needed to ask his question again thinking Bucky didn't hear him. A moment later Sam heard Bucky's reply. "I don't have much choice in the matter now do I?" came his response.

"She'll ask about the nightmares. I'll tell her for the past week I've only had one and that was a night I slept alone. Then she'll ask what I meant by alone, which of course would bring Madison into the conversation."

Walking out of the bathroom, Sam watched and continued to listen as Bucky went to his dresser and took out a pair of socks and sat in the chair near his door where his shoes sat.

"If I were to tell her that I didn't have any nightmares she would either tell me I was lying or ask me how that was possible since up until a week ago I was having them every night." Bucky pulled his dog tags out from inside his shirt to lie against his chest. Reaching for the brush that sat on his dresser he made quick work of calming his bedhead before standing up.

Bucky's description of Dr. Raynor's behavior during their sessions stunned and bothered Sam greatly. Because of the way Bucky's room was built and where it was located very few people knew whenever he struggled with his nightmares; something Bucky didn't believe due to the stares he got in the mornings.

But lately no one had been commenting on the nightmares because he wasn't having them. If anything the crew made comments about how much happier Bucky seemed and friendlier he was. Wanda was probably the best female friend Bucky had and rarely ever allowed his previous surly attitude to get her down, but even she commented on how much easier it was to like him when he was with Madison. Sam couldn't imagine Raynor would find fault with this, but something also told him not to get his hopes up either.

"Walk me out?" Bucky asked, motioning towards the door. "She said last week that I should start keeping a dream journal every night. That if I write my dreams out that I can start hashing out what they mean."

Sam walked alongside Buck as he exited the compound and entered the garage to get his motorcycle for the trip into the city. "But I don't like talking about my dreams. They are always the same, me screaming as I get my brain re-scrambled by that damn machine. I always wake up sweating, tossing and turning because they would strap me down to hold me in place because it hurt so fucking bad."

Bucky had selective memory during his time with Hydra. It was strange really. It was like his memory was punishing him for all of the bad that he had done while under HYDRA's control. He remembered the kills, and he remembered the torture beyond that tended to be pretty blank.

"Well look man, when you get done there," Sam motioned towards where the city was just over the river, "I'll more than likely be in the garage, come see me so we can talk okay?" Sam rested his hand on Bucky's shoulder as a sign to his friend that he was going to be there to support him.

"Take care of Maddie for me while I'm gone will ya" Bucky asked, smiling at Sam. "Oh and she cut her hair because of you."

Quickly Bucky slipped his helmet over his head and revved the engine of the bike to life.

"What the hell man, what do you mean she cut her hair?" Sam watched as Bucky just smiled, turned and drove away.

An hour later

"Sargent Barnes," the secretary called out, "the doctor can see you now." Rising from his seat, Bucky tugged at the gloves that covered his hands as he walked towards the session room. The room was meant to be inviting he guessed. It had a lot of light and the paint on the walls was a pastel green. There was a couch for him to sit on and a chair across from him that Dr. Raynor sat in as they talked. The only part of therapy that really annoyed Bucky was that damn notepad she wrote in all the time.

If he didn't talk, she wrote in it. If he did talk, she wrote in it. If he talked too much she wrote in it, if too little she wrote in it. Sometimes Bucky liked to imagine what the notebook said about him. A few weeks ago he imagined the majority of the notes would probably consist of some form of comment like, 'stubborn ass'. But today perhaps the notes might change to something more positive.

"Well, Sargent Barnes. How are you doing this morning," Dr. Raynor asked, her pen poised over the notepad ready to initiate her judgment.

"I'm doing pretty good," Bucky offered up with a genuine smile. The fact that James had offered up an answer at all surprised the hell out of the doctor. Normally she had to go through four or five questions, prodding him to open up to her just to get a grunt or a nod from him. Today, he openly spoke on the first question and smiled. Her pen began flying across the paper.

Not looking up from her note taking the doctor commented, "You'll have to forgive my shock this morning. You aren't typically as receptive to our sessions as you seem to be right now. Do you mind if I ask what's brought about such a pleasant change?"

Bucky rubbed his thighs with his gloved hands, thinking quickly over where he wanted to start and just exactly how much he wanted to tell the doctor. Being cagey with a psychiatrist could be tricky, especially in Bucky's situation. Raynor literally had the power to throw him in prison if she found fault with his behavior.

"We've had several changes this past week at the compound. It's made living there a lot more agreeable for me. I'm sleeping better, eating better, I'm working with Sam more." Bucky hoped that if he tossed enough at the doctor she would have too much to pick from to focus in on one thing too much.

"What kind of changes?" Bucky could tell the doctor was picking and choosing her targets as well.

"We've gotten news of a new threat that we are going to have to face. So we've been training a lot more. Doing a lot of research, planning. It helps to settle my mind at night to be more exhausted rather than just laying down and hoping sleep comes."

Bucky looked down at his left hand, he flexed it slowly opening and closing it, focusing on breathing in and out with each movement. Sam's method to help him control his anxiety helped under most circumstances but it wasn't having the exact same effect today. He was just waiting for the doc to pounce.

"Are you going out more, socializing?" The doctor made another note on her pad, Bucky assumed to mark that she had asked the question she asked him every week. Was he meeting new people?

Bucky hedged, he didn't know how exactly to answer this question. "Hand me your phone," the doctor demanded, reaching forward for Bucky to pass it to her.

"What," Bucky asked a bit shocked by the request. "Give me your phone," she said, flipping her fingers at him in a give'me manner.

Reaching into his jeans pocket, Bucky looked at his smartphone as it came to life in his hand. On the lock screen was Madison's face smiling back at him as she lay on the grass. It was from the day they had left the lab and went cloud watching. He remembered as they lay there in the cool grass telling her a story about how guardian angels rode around on clouds during the day. They did that so that they could keep a watch over their charges during the day. Because angels wore white, that's why you never caught site of them. Her smile was infectious, which of course made him smile before he could realize what he was doing.

"Something you want to share with me," the doc asked?

Bucky couldn't look at the doctor as he handed over his phone. He didn't want to see her reaction to Maddie being on his phone. He wasn't sure what reaction he was most comfortable with, a negative one or a positive one.

"Well that is a very pretty young lady," the doctor said as she stared down at the phone. "What's her name?"

"Maddie," Bucky offered, "Madison, actually. Her friends call her Maddie," he stumbled slightly over his words, trying his best to sound casual.

"Does she consider you a friend" the doctor commented, her fingers continuing to flip through his phone. Bucky knew what she was looking for, his photo gallery, and at the moment it felt like a huge invasion of his privacy.

"No," Bucky said through gritted teeth. He desperately wanted his phone back. She was going to come across the few photos he had of Maddie and Bucky wasn't ready to share those with anyone.

"She loves me," he stated, remembering her half asleep confession from last night, "and I love her too."

The doctor stopped what she was doing to look up at Bucky shocked by his admission. "She isn't one of the new changes that's come about this week is she," the doctor asked, scribbling furiously in her notes.

"Yes," Bucky stated, lifting his chin a tad in defiance of the judgment he felt was about to come his way.

"And you don't think it's a little soon to be declaring your love for someone you only just met?" Bucky's heart began to deflate. The doctor had said exactly what he had been worried she'd say and it hurt so badly inside to hear.

Bucky tried to take a deep breath before answering, "No," he said, licking his dry lips as he continued to look down at his gloved hands.

"Does she know about your past? Does she know that you come to therapy and why?" Doctor Raynor was opening up both barrels on Buck and it felt like she had just ripped out his heart and was preparing to stomp on it.

Bucky could feel his chest tighten and his breathing becoming labored as he thought about what the doctor was really asking. Would Maddie reject him when he finally told her all of the horrible things he had done? How could she love a monster like him, someone that literally was built to kill unmercifully? Someone that didn't even have control over his own mind for decades.

He tried to hold them back, he really did but Bucky could feel his eyes clouding over with tears that were seconds from falling. Why was she doing this? Wasn't she supposed to be there to help him? Wasn't finding love a good thing even if he was a monster? Didn't monsters deserve to be loved by someone as well?

Gasping for breath he struggled to get the words out past the lump that had formed in his throat, "She knows I've done horrible things, she doesn't care. Yes she knows about the therapy."

She did it again, she was writing on that damn notepad. "STOP IT!" Bucky roared as he stood to his feet. "You are supposed to be helping me, not doing everything you can to tear me down. Madison loves me. She's my peace. Stop trying to destroy that."

Dr. Raynor was visibly shaken seeing James so enraged. She knew that pushing him was a risk, but she had to be sure he could handle it, could recover from it, when something precious to him was being put to the test. The doctor could quickly tell by the photos she had found on his phone that this Madison was someone very dear to Sargent Barnes' heart. You'd have to be a blind man to miss that.

Her methods were sometimes controversial, but her motives were pure. James had to be able to recollect himself after he was pushed to the limits. He had to be able to calm himself down instead of just lash out.

Christina sat and watched as Bucky stalked the room like a lion searching for prey. She did her best not to move an inch when he finally turned his glare on her and crossed the short distance to her chair. She watched as his hand reached for the phone she was still holding and yet he gently took it from her grip as though reaching for a fragile egg.

"I think our session is done Doc," Bucky said his stare blank as he looked at the doctor, before turning and marching for the door.

Stepping out of the room Bucky leaned against the door gasping for air. He needed out of the building right now.

Walking much quicker than most, Bucky rushed for the stairs. The elevator would take too long and he wasn't sure he would be able to handle the cramped space of it anyway. Reaching the top of the first set of stairs down, Bucky peered over the side before swinging himself over the railing. Falling four flights was no big deal for his body. His legs adjusted to the landing easily. Standing quickly he reached for the lobby exit and headed for the outside.

It felt like one of his dreams he had when he was a kid, you keep walking towards your goal but you never seem to get there no matter how many steps you take. The doors leading to the outside just seemed to keep getting further and further away as his chest got tighter and tighter.

Finally, the doors sprung open under his hands and the cool breeze hit his burning skin. Gasping he struggled to stay on his feet as his vision continued to get more and more blurry. Something was wrong, something he hadn't felt before and he knew he needed help. So he did the only thing he could, his thumb swiped his phone's lock screen open and he hit #2 speed dial. It took only seconds before he heard the familiar voice.

"Bucky?"

Sliding down the wall of the center, Bucky could barely breathe as the panic attack took over. He was able to get out one word before he felt himself fall over sideways and the darkness claim him.

"Help."