After the Phone Call
Steve's cellphone went off just as he was returning back to the compound from his run with Sam. As he looked at his phone, Bucky's frowning face lit up the screen. Steve chuckled as he realized he needed to get a new picture of his friend, smiles were occurring a lot more lately and he deserved a better picture.
As he swiped his lock screen to answer, Sam came panting to a stop beside him. "I swear, I'm going to stop running with you in the mornings. At least Bucky takes it easy on me."
"Bucky," Steve answered as he held the phone to his ear. It was odd of Buck to be calling this early, his sessions with the psychiatrist normally lasted almost two hours.
Sam watched as Steve's eyes widened with what he heard on the other end of the line right before he took off at a dead sprint towards the quinjets that were sitting ideal a few hundred yards from the compound.
Sam called out to Steve to wait for him as he did his best to catch up to Steve's quickly retreating form. By the time Sam made it up the ramp of the jet, Steve was already in place at the helm barking orders to SARAH the new on-board navigational system Tony had installed whenever FRIDAY wasn't available. He barely had time to make it to his seat before Steve had the ramp up and the jet in the air.
"Do you mind telling me where the hell it is we are going," Sam asked as he reached for the straps of his seat to buckle himself in.
Steve had the hammer to the ground as the jet raced across the sky. "It's Bucky. I don't know, he called and all he said was 'help' before the line went dead."
"SARAH, track Sargent Barnes' current location and put in the coordinates." Steve was afraid for his friend. Bucky never called anyone for help. If he was desperate enough now to ask for it then it must be bad.
The trip was extremely short. It took only about fifteen minutes to cross the river and another three to pinpoint Bucky's signal from his phone. If they had taken the car even at top speed it would have taken longer, so Steve didn't feel badly for having rushed to his friend's aid in such a dramatic way.
Landing the jet, both men raced off the plane as the tracker Steve was holding continued to locate Bucky's signal.
"He is about fifty feet to the east of you, towards the VA structure Captain Rogers," SARAH reported.
Both men were shocked to see Bucky slumped over on the ground next to the building. His phone was still in his hand, but he was out like a light. Sam lightly touched Bucky's neck to feel for a pulse and was surprised to find it racing.
Slowly and gently the two men looked for any injury that could have caused Bucky to be unconscious but nothing could be found. Sam noticed the beads of sweat that still lined Bucky's hair, that coupled with the racing heart and being unresponsive Sam deduced that Bucky had passed out.
"I think he had a severe panic attack," Sam said, looking at Steve.
"But he was only going to therapy, what the hell could have happened to cause a panic attack strong enough to knock a super soldier out?" Steve was flabbergasted.
Sam looked up at the building before him as a bad feeling came over him. "I think I know what happened," he said as he gritted his teeth. Damn doctors think they know it all.
Sam helped Steve gently lift his friend into a fireman's carry and walked slowly back to the jet. Sam held Bucky's upper body as Steve lowered him to the cot on the jet. It must have been exhausting whatever he had gone through for him to still be out cold.
"Take him back to the compound and get Banner to look him over. Tell him what I told you, he'll know what to do." Sam walked towards the rear entrance of the jet, "oh and don't let Maddie see him. It will only freak her out and embarrass him. Let him tell her when he's ready," Sam instructed as he continued walking. Sometimes panic attacks, especially those severe enough to cause blackouts caused the sufferers to feel less than normal or to be ashamed of themselves as though they aren't strong enough. Allowing them when and with who to discuss them was the least amount of dignity Sam could offer Bucky at this moment. He knew his friend well enough to know keeping his dignity was very important to Bucky, especially where Maddie was concerned.
"And what are you going to do," Steve called after his friend as he walked towards the VA complex.
"I'm going to go have a talk with a doctor." Sam turned and looked at Steve as he kept walking. "Don't worry about me, I'll take his bike home after I'm done here."
"Don't kill anyone," Steve called after Sam, only half joking. "No promises," Sam replied as he jogged further away from the exhaust of the jet.
Sam watched from the door of the VA entrance as the jet roared into the sky and disappeared over the tree line back towards home.
Sam had to visibly take a moment. His blood was boiling and all he wanted to do right now was to rip that damn doctor's head off for whatever it was she did to Bucky. But he knew that wouldn't be productive, so he forced himself to calm down, taking a few deep breaths before stepping into the air conditioned building.
"What floor is Dr. Christina Raynor on, please," Sam asked the receptionist in the lobby. She quickly directed him to the fourth floor via the elevators. Stepping into the elevator, Sam noticed that there was soothing music playing as he passed each of the floors. He wondered what Bucky thought of the elevators, if he even took them. Bucky tended to like stairs.
After reaching the fourth floor, Sam stepped out and crossed quickly over to the door of Dr. Christina Raynor. The lobby to her office was empty except for the receptionist. Stepping the few feet over to her desk, Sam announced his name and that he needed to see Dr. Raynor. "It's about Sargent James Barnes," he said loudly hoping to give away his presence and draw the doctor out of her hiding place.
It took only a few minutes for Sam's plan to work before Dr. Raynor opened the door to see him standing there at her front desk.
"I'm Doctor Raynor," she announced coolly to Sam. "Sam Wilson," he announced with just as much ice to his voice as she had.
"Ah yes, Sam Wilson. Sargent Barnes has mentioned you in our sessions." Sam was surprised that Bucky's doctor would release that type of information. "We need to talk," Sam demanded as he made to pass the doctor and enter her office.
"I have another session beginning in twenty minutes, Mr. Wilson. Perhaps you can schedule another time or come next week with Sargent Barnes when he returns." Dr. Raynor walked around to the chair of her desk and sat down, leaving Sam standing.
"Oh the hell, no." Sam exclaimed. "Bucky isn't coming back here next week, or the following week or any week after that and neither am I. I don't know what kinda psychobabble you were taught in school, but every experienced doctor knows you don't knock the feet out from under a patient that has seen as much trauma as my friend has."
Sam's nostrils flared as he geared up for his second verbal jab at the doctor, "He came to you looking for help. Do you know he actually was looking forward to talking to you this morning about the positive things that had been happening to him? What the hell did you do to him that caused him to have a full on panic attack in the parking lot so bad that he's been unconscious for the past thirty minutes?"
Dr. Raynor was visibly taken aback by Sam's verbal assault as well as the news of James' panic attack. Internally, she felt horrible that this happened to James but she still stood by her reasoning.
"James needs to learn the tools to deal with trauma and be able to recover from it himself. How can we expect him to become a successful member of society if he's constantly leaning on one person after another but never learning to trust his own two feet."
Sam was disgusted by Raynor's logic. "He has been out of the ice and out from HYDRA's control for less than three years. He's only been coming to you for a year and if I understand it correctly has said less than twenty words to you in that years' time. So how the fuck do you expect him to have built this ability to stand on his own feet when you've not been able to help him build the foundational blocks to even find his feet yet?" Sam's rage was clear as he slammed his hands onto the doctor's desk.
The two stared at one another, both sorting out what they would say next. "I've been a doctor a long time, and I was a soldier before that. I know that recovery from trauma isn't easy, but if you coddle him he'll only become dependent on another person and not have the tools to care for himself. What happens if that new person he becomes dependent on is taken away? He will crumble because he doesn't know how to hold himself up on his own. This was the first time he had willingly opened up to me, I had to stick my foot in the door before he slammed it shut again." Dr. Raynor turned in her office chair to look outside at the darkening sky.
Sam took a deep breath, letting it out slowly to try to reign back in his temper. "You may have been a good soldier but you are a shitty therapist." Raynor gasped at Sam and his declaration of her methods. "You're right, Bucky doesn't need to be coddled because he's not a child. He's ass grown man that has been dealt a massive load to carry. Some he can remember, some he can't. But I will be damned if you are the person who takes away his one spark of happiness that he's found. Do you know that he's smiled so much this week that he's even allowed Madison to take a picture of him smiling?"
The look on Raynor's face indicated she didn't see what the big deal of that was. Sam pulled out his phone and showed Raynor the contact photo he had for Bucky. "That is his standard picture, his resting bitch face we call it. We had to beg him to allow us to take that one photo of him. Because you know what he sees when he looks at pictures of himself?" Sam paused allowing the 'good' doctor to think. "He says he sees a monster. He sees the killer who has outlived every family member, every past friend excluding his best friend Steve, and has seen and been the cause of more death and destruction in the past seventy years than he stomach."
Sam swiped the picture and flipped it back around for the doctor to see again, "This is Madison." Dr. Raynor looked at a picture of the same young woman from earlier except this time she was beaming at the camera as a shy James Barnes was peering from over her shoulder and he was actually smiling.
Dr. Raynor covered her mouth with her hand as she quickly looked away from the photo.
Both were quiet for several minutes before Sam turned to go. "I'll have a court order by tomorrow to have Bucky's records removed from your office. Even if the state won't let me treat him, he won't be under your care any longer." With that Sam walked out of the room and left Dr. Raynor to worry what kind of damage had she done.
It didn't take long for Sam to make it downstairs and to find Bucky's bike that he had parked a few feet away from where they had found him earlier. The Bluetooth on the helmet beeped with an incoming phone call as he got it strapped on.
"Bucky Barnes' phone, Sam speaking," Sam answered, unsure of if the Bluetooth was picking up his cellphone or Bucky's.
"Sam, it's Steve." Sam got on the bike and revved its engine to life. Motorcycles weren't really his thing, but he could get home safely. "We got Bucky home. He's pretty groggy, but at least he is awake. I was able to sneak him in through the armory so Madison didn't see him. But as soon as you get here with his bike she's going to assume he's home. So, just wanted to give you a heads up."
Sam had already turned the bike toward home as Steve explained the situation. "Bruce looked him over and said that the worst he'd feel from the attack was the sleepiness for a few hours, but after getting some rest and some food he'd be alright."
"Good, panic attacks from PTSD can be very disorienting. Don't be surprised if he asks you how he got home even after you've already told him once." Sam sped down the highway, doing his best to get home as soon as possible. He didn't want Madison to find out Bucky was home and him having to explain what happened without him. Moral support sometimes can be very important for someone who is used to bearing the load alone all the time.
"I'll see you all in a few. I shouldn't be more than ten minutes out now." Sam turned the corner to the private drive of the compound and slowed down. Riding a motorcycle was not his thing. That was Bucky's hobby, so loose gravel still made him a bit nervous.
Finally making it back to the compound he wasn't surprised to see Madison rushing out the front door as he pulled the bike to a stop and cut the engine. In any other situation, watching a beautiful young woman's smile fall when they saw his face would have actually hurt, but Sam understood completely.
"Sam, I thought Bucky took the bike this morning when he went to therapy," Maddie asked as she walked closer.
"Hey sweetheart, look, he did take it. He wasn't feeling too well afterwards, so your dad and I went and got him and brought him home earlier." Sam watched as Madison realized Bucky was already inside and she hadn't been aware.
Turning to go back inside she asked, "I wonder why he didn't come get me when he got home. Lord knows he's seen me sick enough for the both of us," she laughed. Sam cursed Dr. Raynor under his breath as he realized he was probably about to upset Maddie.
"Maddie, we need to talk first." The look of pain was all it took for Maddie to do something she swore she wouldn't do out of a sense of privacy and respect, she read Sam's mind.
Sam watched as Maddie's eyes glazed over as she saw the whole scene play out. Steve and Sam running for the jet, Bucky slumped over passed out cold at the VA, Sam yelling at the therapist. She could even recall Sam's memory of the phone call between him and her dad. Turning back towards the compound she raced inside heading straight for the infirmary and Banner's lab.
Sam called out her name several times as he attempted to keep up with her, but that damn serum in her system made her considerably faster than him.
Steve could hear her coming before he saw her and tried to step into Maddie's path to stop her and calm her down a bit before she went to Bucky. He had fallen back asleep after Bruce had given him a mild sedative to help further settle his nerves. Plus, he and Sam needed to explain to Maddie what had happened so she would have more of the context rather than just brief glimpses of memories.
"Maddie," Steve said, catching his daughter by the shoulders as she raced into his arms. "You have to calm down before I let you in there." Madison's eyes were practically glowing she was so upset by the events she had seen. Sam finally caught up to her a few minutes later. "I swear you three make a man reconsider cardio," he gasped as he leaned forward trying to catch his breath.
Steve pulled Madison into Bruce's lab so that they could talk but her eyes never left Bucky who lay on his side on the bed in the infirmary breathing softly as he slept.
Both men proceeded to try to explain to Madison in as much detail as possible, without giving away too much of Bucky's Winter Soldier past. They both felt that was a discussion that Bucky had with her and not them to her.
Madison plopped down on a chair just too startled by the whole story to move. "Why is this doctor still practicing," she asked, as she wiped a stray tear from her eye.
"I'm going to talk to Tony and see what strings we can pull to get him transferred under Sam's watch," Steve said hopefully.
"Do you think he can do that?" Maddie asked, her voice cracking with emotion.
"He knows a few important people high up, we'll see what can be done." Steve used his thumb to gently wipe Madison's face of the few remaining tears.
"How about you go sit with him for a while," he motioned towards the infirmary bed Bucky currently was using, "I'm sure he'd rather wake up to your face rather than ours."
Madison appreciated the attempt at humor and she did smile, but right now her heart was breaking for the man in the other room. Life was hard, but it seemed like it just kept kicking Bucky Barnes in the balls.
Sam and Steve watched as Madison left one room and entered the next, quickly going to Bucky's bedside. She knelt down beside him, her head aligned to his as she gently brushed his hair from his face. They knew the moment he woke because he immediately started smiling. Both men had the decency to turn away when Madison leaned in and kissed him.
"Do you think Tony will be able to help," Sam asked, looking at Steve's stern expression.
"Someone damn well will," he exclaimed as he walked briskly from the lab. Sam made to follow behind, stopping only for a moment as he watched Madison and Bucky talk as they held hands. Someone needed to be on Bucky's side through all of this.
"I feel so stupid," Bucky mumbled as he buried his face in the pillow of the bed he had been resting on. "I passed out in the damn parking lot."
Madison listened as Bucky told her about his visit with Dr. Raynor. Slowly she ran her fingers through his hair as he told her how angry he had gotten when she said they were moving too fast. "It just felt like she was telling me that I didn't deserve to be happy." Bucky's eyes held the tears he tried desperately to hold off. He was so frustrated with himself lately. It wasn't like him to be such an emotional person, but ever since Madison had come into his life it was like this damn of feelings had broken free and he had feelings for everything.
"What I wouldn't give to be able to read your thoughts right now," Bucky said, trying to get Maddie to smile. The weak smile she offered worried him.
"It's not you," she said, leaning in and kissing his lips. "You just wouldn't like what I think of this Doctor Raynor right now is all." Maddie had never really shown an angry side to him except during the training session the other day. So Bucky really had no other reference point. "If it were up to me you wouldn't go back," she said, pushing his hair back behind his ear.
Bucky let out a deep sigh as he explained that therapy was court mandated and he didn't see how he was going to be able to get out of it.
"Well then maybe just a different doctor. One that isn't so hell bent on tearing you down." Bucky didn't like hearing Maddie curse. She was far too sweet to be doing that he thought. This made him smile.
"And just what has you smiling so much all of a sudden," Maddie asked as she leaned in for another kiss.
"I can't help but think how much you look like an angry kitten whenever you defend me to others," he laughed.
Maddie playfully showed Bucky her claws making him laugh even harder. Bucky's laugh always had a healing effect on Maddie's heart. Seeing him smile always seemed to make things better. Leaning in, Maddie kissed Bucky again before announcing she was going to go and fix him something to eat. "It will help you feel more like yourself again." As she made to get up, Bucky made a show of not letting her go which of course made her adorable giggle come out. He knew to others he was acting like a love struck teenager, but he didn't care. He was love struck and it felt amazing. For the first time he didn't feel like damaged goods around someone else. Maddie loved him, even if she hadn't really said it directly to him yet. In his heart he knew she loved him and that was what meant the world to him.
Watching her leave the infirmary, Bucky scooted up against the headboard to wait for her return. Reaching into his pocket he took out his cellphone and began scrolling through the pictures he had saved of Maddie. 'What do you see,' Bucky thought to himself as he looked closely at the picture Maddie had taken of the two of them. In it Maddie was smiling as she took the selfie and he was hugging her from behind. Over her shoulder he was peering at the camera, her hair slightly covering his face, but you could see it…a smile.
Bucky ran his fingertip over the picture. Madison made him happy and he wasn't willing to give that up. He would go back to Dr. Raynor's office next week if that meant he could retain his pardon. He had far too much to work for now to screw things up.
He was still feeling a bit sluggish and must have dozed off because the next he remembered was waking up to the sound of Madison whispering to someone. "I can bring it back, he needs his rest anyway."
"I'm awake," Bucky called, sitting up quickly and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
Bucky could see that Maddie had a tray of food, enough to feed an army in her hands. She had been talking to Bruce who only smiled and held the door open so Maddie could come the rest of the way in the room.
"I'm sorry it took so long. I wasn't sure what you would like, so I brought a little of everything. I figured we could just eat together." Sitting the tray on the side table, Maddie pulled it towards the bed as she sat opposite him.
"I've got chicken noodle soup, grilled cheese sandwiches, peanut butter sandwiches, some tea, there was some pasta salad in the fridge so I grabbed some of that too." Bucky loved how Maddie rambled when she was unsure of herself. He couldn't help but smile as he reached for her hand. "All great choices," he said as he kissed the inside of Madison's wrist, "and all my favorites."
Noticing a small bowl with a lid on it, Bucky's interest couldn't help but be peaked. "What's this" he asked as he made to open the lid. Madison gently smacked his hand away, "That is dessert and that is for later," she said with a mischievous grin on her face.
Together they sat about eating their very late lunch of soups and sandwiches, chatting back and forth, just enjoying the company of the other one.
After finishing and clearing their dishes, Maddie made a flourish of removing the lid from the small bowl Bucky had tried to open earlier, "And for dessert."
"Did you know the Tootsie roll was made in Brooklyn back in 1884 by an Austrian immigrant?" Bucky loved learning bits of history from Maddie. He just smiled and popped his sweet treat into his mouth as he listened to her explain how the candy came to be created. Bucky didn't know what he ever did right in his life to finally deserve someone who loved him as much as this woman did, but he would be forever grateful.
Several Hours Pass
Bucky and Madison lay snuggled together on the narrow infirmary bed after having indulged in six tootsie rolls a piece as their after meal dessert. Bucky was currently in the process of lulling Madison into a sense of peace as he read aloud the first chapter of The Hobbit.
'We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can't think what anybody sees in them.'
Neither of the two heard the door to Bucky's room as it slid open. Nat leaned against the door jamb watching the two lovebirds as Bucky continued on reading. She really hated breaking up the sweet sight, but Tony had a training session planned for everyone and that included Madison.
"I never got around to reading The Hobbit," she spoke, giving a start to Madison and Bucky. "I am really sorry to interrupt, but Tony is wanting Madison for a training session."
Madison groaned and complained about being comfortable where she was as sluggishly made to get up from the side of the bed.
"I'll meet you outside in five minutes," Nat held up one hand. "Don't make me have to come back and get you young lady," she said as she turned to leave.
"Yes, mom," Maddie said as she laughed. Nat paused for a second before smiling at her daughter. She would never get over being called that by Maddie. Until she had come along, Nat never gave much thought to the idea of having children. But seeing her daughter now, she knew it was definitely a dream she had always wanted, just was afraid to ever dream it.
Bucky reached his arms out to Maddie to try to compel her to come back to him. She only leaned in and kissed him knowing that if she became encased in Bucky's arms again she really wouldn't make it outside for training.
"I don't know how long it will be," she said, kissing Buck, "but when I get back we can go swimming if you want."
Smiling behind the kiss, Bucky loved swimming and seeing Madison in a bathing suit would only add to the experience.
"Get some more rest," she kissed him again.
Bucky watched as Madison left and jogged down the hall towards the front of the compound.
Instead of sleeping more, Bucky made to get up and rejoin the others. Slipping on a pair of jogging pants and a t-shirt, he was tying up his sneakers when he heard the door to his room open and shut. Turning he found a fidgeting Bruce standing nearby.
"I just wanted to come and give you a once final going over before letting you go," he said, indicating the tablet he held in his hands.
"No problem, doc," Bucky said, sitting upright allowing Bruce to take his pulse.
The room was fairly silent as Bruce took readings and entered them into his tablet, neither man finding much they had in common to ideally chit-chat about as Bruce worked.
"I used to have panic attacks," Bruce muttered, drawing Bucky's wavering attention back to the doctor.
"Right after my accident and the first time I turned into the Hulk, I had a panic attack. I couldn't figure out how to change back to just regular old me," Bruce held his arms around slightly to highlight the very docile looking doctor that stood before Bucky. "I was afraid I was going to be stuck like that forever." Bruce's laugh helped ease the feeling in the room. "I finally did pass out and woke back up me."
"Sometimes our body tells us it needs a rest. That's no one's fault, that doesn't make you any less of a man, or not brave, or any of that stuff." Bruce looked Bucky straight in the eye. "Don't ever let anyone tell you that. What makes you less is when you forget that people love you and care a great deal about your health and welfare. You did good today calling for help." Bruce stood from his seat and made to leave the room. "We're your family, James, don't forget that. You're one of us now."
Bucky liked the sound of that, one of them. For so long he felt like the outsider, but now he had gained so much.
Leaving the infirmary, Bucky walked to the outside training grounds where he found the rest of the crew. One-by-one he looked over at those he called friends. No, not just friends…he finally had family.