The next morning came far quicker than Madison was ready for. The night had been filled with passion and love shared between she and Bucky and when they had both finally succumbed to sleep from blissful exhaustion, it would only be a few hours before they would have to rise to start the day.
Madison realized she was being slowly drawn from her sleep by the lazy infinity circles Bucky was drawing on her back with the cool metal of his index finger. Allowing her eyes to slowly open, Madison looked up from where she was snuggled against Bucky's side to see him wide awake but lost in thought, gazing off into the distance.
"Penny for your thoughts," she whispered as she slipped her arm around his waist to pull his warm body closer to her own.
Bucky's smile warmed Madison's heart. "Trust me, they aren't worth that much," he laughed.
Leaning down, Bucky's warm, soft lips met Madison's as he scooted lower under the covers till he was level with her. Pulling her naked body flush against his, he asked what he had been thinking, what had been worrying him since he woke from his blissful, nightmare free sleep. "Please tell me you don't regret last night."
Madison was shocked by the question. She was the one that begged him to stay with her. She was the one that should be embarrassed for acting like a wanton animal, scratching him and calling out in very unladylike ways as they came together. In fact, as she remembered their many rounds of love making her face turned a lovely shade of pink that Bucky was quickly drawn to admire.
"How could I ever regret last night," Madison confessed as her fingers lightly brushed over the sprinkling of chest hair Bucky had just at the top of his breast bone.
Gently slipping his thigh between hers, Bucky's right hand settled along Madison's hip as he pressed his very aroused flesh against her soft core. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"
Just the thought of the seductive nature of their coming together last night had Madison's body readying itself again for action. "I loved every second of it," Madison found herself purring out in response. "And if you keep this up, you'll be finding out very soon just how much I enjoyed it, Sarge." Looking up at Bucky through her lashes Madison knew she was stoking a fire that had not extinguished from last night, and although they had many important things to do today, she couldn't find it in herself to want to get out of bed just yet.
So much like the previous night, the two lovers fell into one another, this time savoring every word, touch, taste and movement of the other. Today would be a day that could change history for everyone and yet all Bucky and Maddie wanted to do was to stay in their cocoon for a moment longer.
The knock on the door broke their peace causing them both to stop their movements as they listened for whomever it would turn out to be. Thankfully neither was too mortified when the voice on the other side of the door turned out to be Natasha as she reminded them that everyone needed to leave within the hour.
As they both listened as her footsteps faded away down the hall, neither wanted to be the first to move away from the other. In fact, it was Bucky that was shocked into action when the surprisingly brazen actions of Madison caused him to slam back inside of her dripping pussy as she gripped his cock in her hands, urging him to finish what they had started.
Two separate showers and forty-five minutes later, both freshly washed and dressed Madison and Bucky trailed into the kitchen. Bucky went straight for the coffee as Maddie settled in for a quick meal of a bacon and egg sandwich her mother sat before her. "Eat up sweetie, you need to keep up your energy," Nat said, smirking at Maddie.
Bucky, having overheard the comment blushed as he hid his face behind his mug. But as he lowered it, he couldn't help the Cheshire like grin that covered his face as he gazed at the woman he loved.
Sure, having others know when you've had sex was awkward, but nothing would make him regret loving and being loved by Madison.
It was just after 9 when most everyone at the compound headed off in their respective directions. As Bucky opened the car door to get in, he looked back finding Madison's eyes on him. The look of worry and perhaps even fear in her eyes stopped him from moving forward and drove him to quickly reach for her.
Wrapping his arms around her he did the only thing he could do, he offered his strength and reassurance that everything would be fine. That they would make this work.
Steve watched from the other side of the car as Bucky cupped Maddie's face in his hands. He couldn't hear all that was said, even with his advanced hearing Bucky was speaking too softly. What he was saying was only meant for Madison to hear. With a gentle nod of her head and a quick kiss, Madison turned and got into the car and Bucky went to rejoin Sam.
Steve was just about to take his seat in the driver's side when his gaze met that of his best friend. Bucky looked as though he wished he could tell Steve something important but ultimately couldn't. This bothered Steve because he was afraid he was about to walk into a situation where he didn't know all of the pieces. Ultimately though he knew he had to trust his kid to know how to handle the situation. He would follow her lead as best he could.
As the two cars headed down the drive way and then broke off in different directions, Maddie found herself resting her hand upon her chest as her heart gave a sudden painful beat. Little did she know in the other car Bucky was doing the same as he and Sam headed off to his appointment.
Bucky hated leaving Maddie's side. Why couldn't this damned appointment be reworked for another day? Bucky tried flexing his left hand open and closed in slow rhythm but the relaxation technique Sam had taught him was just not working right now. His heart and his mind was in the other car that was quickly disappearing from his rearview.
"Talk to me brother, tell me what's going on in your head right now." Sam and Bucky had grown very close in the past two months since the major disaster with Dr. Raynor. He found that talking to Sam was far more natural especially when they incorporated it into an activity that Bucky could focus on, rather than the more clinical setting of an office.
In fact, Sam was pleased to realize that Bucky's defenses often relaxed most when they were exercising or playing basketball together. Bucky would speak sometimes without giving calculated thought to it and tell Sam what was really on his mind instead of being so guarded.
Rubbing his denim covered thighs, Bucky let out a frustrated gust of breath before giving an exasperated, "too much shit going on in my head for me to pick one thing."
Sam understood that. Dealing with soldiers of all types he had learned that often their minds, much like his own from time-to-time, just had too many things to think or worry about and that in itself could be terribly frustrating.
"Okay, well let's play your favorite game," Sam said, giving Bucky a big smile before looking back at the road. They had a good hour and a half drive before they would arrive at NAMI in Albany, so they had time. Sam gave a chuckle as he watched Bucky roll his eyes and lull his head back in disgust at the mention of the word association game. You weren't able to think about your answer, just respond with the first thing that came to mind and Bucky hated it.
"Fine," Bucky muttered out as he crossed his arms over his chest. Typical Bucky, Sam thought to himself as he watched his friend. Go on the defensive before even giving it a chance.
"Ready?" Sam asked, looking for Bucky's response. Bucky just waved his hand for Sam to start.
"We'll start slow and easy. Build up to what I think is really bothering you."
"Oh like you know me so well," Bucky snarked back.
"Sleep," Sam said.
"Peaceful," Bucky responded.
Sam couldn't stop his reaction as his eyebrows raised in surprised. Normally Bucky's response was restless when he mentioned sleep. This was a pleasant change.
"Breakfast."
"Hungry," Bucky responded as his stomach gave a loud growl as if to back up his declaration.
Sam just chuckled as he made a mental note to stop at the fast food joint on the outside of town before going the whole way to the appointment.
Sam knew he had to open the can of worms he figured was bothering Bucky, so he decided to dive right in.
"Madison."
"Pain," Bucky responded quickly as he turned to the window deliberately not looking at Sam.
"Pain." Sam restated to be sure he heard right. "Why pain?"
Sam waited patiently as his friend gathered his thoughts to explain.
"When I'm not with her, it hurts inside. When I know she's upset or conflicted like she is today, it hurts inside me. When I realize how much I desperately love her, it hurts but I guess in a good way." Bucky unconsciously rubbed at the spot on his chest that had pained him earlier as Sam drove them away from Madison. It was also the same spot, he realized, that she had been playing with his chest hair this morning right before they had made love again.
"I don't think I'd survive if I lost her now, Sam. I'm not sure I'd want to go on living if I lost her."
Bucky's confession shocked Sam. He knew Bucky had been a ladies man back in the 40's when he was wild and young, before being shipped off to war. But the Bucky that had returned was a completely different man. This man had gone through years of torture at the hands of HYDRA. He had assassinated people, been frozen in time, been yanked around from decade to decade. He even dealt with the trauma of killing a close friends parents, yes while brainwashed to do so, but none the less Bucky still carried the burden of knowing what he did. He still beat himself up over having attacked Steve, his best friend and almost costing him his life by shooting him. So to hear this confession that after having finally found the love of his life, that losing it could make him think of ending it, scared Sam.
Sam found himself saying the first thing that came to his mind after hearing that, "You do know that Madison would kick your ass if she ever heard you talking like that don't you?"
It came out before he could really stop himself. That wasn't the therapist talking, that was the friend talking and Bucky didn't need to be berated for being honest with him right now.
Bucky just continued to stare out the window, occasionally reaching up to wipe at his face.
Sam felt horrible for having reacted so harshly. Taking a deep breath, he tried again. "What I should have said was that Madison would always want you to continue to live and find happiness again even without her. She'd never forgive herself if she believed she was the cause of your misery."
Sam could hear Bucky's sniffles as he embarrassingly kept his face hidden from him.
"You've found true love for the first time and I couldn't be happier for you. Madison is truly the perfect person for you. She can read you like a book, man." This made Bucky laugh slightly in agreement.
"I've never been a big believer in ghosts, but I believe she'd find a way to haunt you even if she were to pass away. She loves you that much. She wouldn't want to be without you either."
Both men chuckled lightly at the idea of ghost Madison turning Bucky's life upside down just to keep reminding him she was there.
Sam brought the seriousness back to the conversation though when he said, "She'd never forgive you if you hurt yourself though. So swear to me, no matter what happens with this Thanos asshole, you won't do anything drastic. If not for me, then for her."
"I just want some peace. I want to take Madison away where there's no battles to be fought. No aliens, wizards or androids trying to destroy our happiness. Nothing we have to fight. I just want to raise babies with her and watch every movie ever made with her and laugh at stupid and corny jokes together. I know it might take a while, but I want to grow old with her."
Sam realized that his friend, James Buchanan Barnes was never more eloquent than when he was talking about the woman he loved. Madison had the key to Bucky's heart and the floodgates were wide open now.
"You will man. No matter what happens, don't lose faith that you will get your happy ending. One way or the other. She literally crossed a universe to find you, I promise you that woman would never allow something as trivial as death to stop her from finding a way to be with you. Don't you dare doubt that."
Bucky turned to look at Sam. He could tell by the dead serious look on his face that he believed every word he had just said. That brought Bucky a slight amount of comfort to know that others believed he deserved a happy ending too.
The time driving to Albany quickly passed and Sam found himself in a fast food parking lot buying him and Bucky breakfast sandwiches, which they scarfed down, before driving them the last few miles to the therapist's building.
Finding a parking space was fairly easy, but getting his buddy to find the nerve to get out of the car was a harder bridge to cross. "We have to get out eventually," Sam commented after sitting in the car for 10 minutes after having parked.
"What if this guy is an ass like the last therapist I had?" Bucky was not in the mood to be fucked with at the moment. And if this one turned out to be anything like the last one, he was sorely tempted to rip their arms off with his bare hands and beat them with them.
"I've checked him out and had several long conversations with him. I like this guy. He should do fine. Besides you only have to meet with him twice a month to give him updates on your progress. The rest of the time you're with me." The confidence Sam displayed gave Bucky the boost he needed to finally get out of the car. Shutting the door behind him Bucky shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. Even though a prosthetic limb at a VA hospital was not a new sight to anyone, Bucky was always self-conscious of it and highly aware whenever anyone stared. His friends at the compound and Madison were the only ones he trusted to show his arm on a regular basis. They never treated him differently because of it. In fact, Madison often chose to hold his left hand or snuggle into that side when they were close.
Bucky thought about that as he slowly made his way into the building with Sam at his side. "What's got you smiling all of a sudden?" Sam asked giving him a smile of his own back. Buck just turned to Sam and as nonchalantly as possible removed his left hand from his pocket and took off his standard black glove.
At that moment Bucky didn't give a shit who would stare at his arm. Madison loved all of him. That thought kept replaying over and over in his head as he took a seat in the waiting room while Sam went to the front desk to tell them they were here.
Sitting down beside him Sam pulled out his phone to check his messages and email while they waited. Bucky reached for his own and was surprised to see he had a message waiting. Of course it was from Madison. "Everything will be fine. I love you," it read. Bucky's smile grew even bigger as he read the simple text.
In the short time they had been together Madison continued to show why she was truly perfect for Bucky. She could read him so well and always seemed to know exactly what he needed, sometimes before he realized he needed it.
"That girl loves you more than anything else I think," Sam said after having snuck a peek over Bucky's shoulder at his cell.
Bucky continued to smile after he sent a quick message back to Madison returning her love. He and Sam sat for only a few minutes longer before they were called into the new therapist's office.
Dr. Phillip Deacon was a kindly, older gentleman that looked to be in his late sixties or seventies. After Bucky and Sam shook hands and introduced themselves they took their seats. The doctor gave them a rundown of his qualifications. He was an ex-soldier, although he explained that no one was really an ex anything in the military. He had gotten his degree not long after returning from two tours in Vietnam. Deacon, as he was called by his patients, even showed Bucky his prosthetic leg which was the reason he was eventually discharged from the military. He had missed a trip-wire set up in the jungle on a routine patrol that, although he was pretty quick, he just wasn't quick enough to miss the shrapnel that took out most of his leg.
Bucky, so far, really liked his new therapist. He felt like he was talking to an old friend that he actually had something in common with rather than someone who sat in judgement of him. Deacon rarely used a notebook but when he did he would tell Bucky what he was writing down rather than keeping it to himself. This made Bucky feel more at ease because they could talk about his note rather than just feel like he had done something wrong.
Sam had previously explained to Deacon the reasons why Bucky left Dr. Raynor, but the doctor wanted to hear it from Bucky's perspective as well so he gently broached the subject. "So Sam tells me that I'm not your first therapist that you've tried working with?"
Deacon wanted Bucky to feel comfortable but also didn't want him to feel babied. "Dr. Raynor," Bucky said, nodding his head slightly as he looked down at his hands. Slowly he folded and flexed his left hand nervously with the other.
Sam had mentioned this was a relaxation technique he had taught Bucky when he began to feel tense so the doctor just waited patiently until Bucky continued on his own. "She pushed really hard at our last session and I had a panic attack and passed out after I ran out." Bucky still felt a bit of embarrassment because of this even though Steve, Madison and Sam, even Tony had told him there was no shame in what happened. Panic is often your body's way of allowing you to escape so that you can regroup. It's your body's signal it needs a moment.
"Was there a specific topic that she pushed you about," the doctor leaned forward slightly in his seat so that Bucky could see he had his undivided attention.
Deacon watched as Bucky's jaw flexed as he grit his teeth together fighting the frustration over the very idea of what he was about to say. "She accused me of being too reliant on my new relationship with my girlfriend. That I wasn't learning to stand on my own two feet."
Bucky rose quickly to his feet and walked to the window in the corner of the office. Looking out at the morning sky he was surprised to see what looked like storm clouds beginning to roll in from the direction of back home. His mind immediately went to Madison and her meeting with Strange. He wished desperately he was there with her instead of here, even if this new therapist seemed like an okay guy.
Sam opened his mouth to speak, but Deacon motioned for him to wait. The doctor had a feeling that Bucky wasn't done explaining the previous meeting with Raynor and he was right. "Every session I had with her it felt more and more like she was trying to tear me down. To take all of the joy I had out of life so that I'd deal with the harshness first."
Bucky took a deep breath before continuing, "But when she went after Madison I just lost it. I couldn't believe she would accuse someone so sweet and innocent of being a bad thing for me." Whipping around Bucky's eyes were filled with unshed tears he was trying desperately to prevent from falling. "Yes it's was soon, but it was the absolute most happiness and bliss I have ever had in my life and it felt like she was trying to rip it away from me."
Turning back to the window and the ever darkening sky Bucky began to clutch at his chest where Maddie's fingers had only a couple hours ago been drawing lazy circles along his skin. "She's been my miracle, doc. Without her I'm not sure I would ever be talking as much in therapy as I am now. I wouldn't be smiling everyday like I do."
Coming back over to the chair he had previously deserted, Bucky sat and turned to Sam, "Tell him. I've been much better in our sessions talking, haven't I?"
Sam looked to Deacon and confirmed all that Bucky was saying, "It's true. Madison has lifted a huge weight off of his shoulders. He doesn't beat himself up nearly as much as he used to over things. His nightmares are practically non-existent whenever he sleeps in the same room with her. His moods are far better throughout the day. Overall, I'd say it's a very positive change."
Bucky looked to Deacon for his reaction to this news expecting some form of affirmation that Dr. Raynor was wrong and that everything lately was progress in his healing and becoming normal again. What Bucky didn't expect to see was Deacon sitting back in his chair and resting his hand over his mouth, deep in thought.
"James," the doctor began. Bucky could feel himself mentally building up his walls readying himself for the blow his new doctor was about to deal him. Not another one. Not another doctor that was going to tell him that Madison was bad for him. Fuck them all, he mentally raged in his head. Looking at the doctor with building anger in his heart, Bucky readied himself to fight yet another foe who was going to try to take the love of his life from him.
Deacon sighed, "I can see you are shutting down before I say anything." The doctor folded his hands together and took a deep breath before starting again. "I'm not going to attack your relationship with Madison. In fact, I agree with you. I think the changes she's helped you accomplish are wonderful for you."
Just like that Bucky's anger deflated like a balloon let go to buzz and whiz around the room as it lost all of its air. "Then why did it feel like you were about to do the same thing Raynor did" he said, lowering his head in slight shame for having jumped to conclusions so quickly. Bucky tucked his hair back behind his ear before he looked up at the doctor.
"Because what I'm going to try to do is explain to you what Dr. Raynor did and why she did what she did, even if I think she went about it the wrong way."
Bucky looked to Sam whose brow was furrowed as he too was all ears for this explanation.
"Have you heard the old saying that when it comes to teaching someone to swim it's best to just throw them into the deep end and let them sink or swim?"
Sam and Bucky nodded slowly in the affirmative.
"Well therapy patients are often like that little kid. Some you can toss in the deep end and everything works out well. Then there are others. Others like you. Those that you have to gently lead them from the very shallowest end, allowing them to become acclimated to each location before moving them to the next deeper, more serious depth. Do you get what I'm saying?"
Both Bucky and Sam slowly nodded. Sam knew where this was going. Once he had the time to step back and re-evaluate the session Bucky had that caused the panic attack, he still faulted Raynor for her methods but not her goal.
"James, what Dr. Raynor was poorly trying to get you to see is not that your love for Madison was wrong. In fact she should have pointed out how healthy and nurturing for someone like you it really is. You've been tortured for nearly ninety years. Your situation is beyond unique."
Bucky sat still in his seat absorbing what the doctor was saying. He could see the benefit of Madison in his life. He wasn't telling him to leave her, to be miserable without her.
"But Bucky, you do realize the hard truth of the matter don't you?" The doctor waited patiently for Bucky to grasp what he was getting at. "Life isn't eternal my friend. You and I are both well aware that it's actually quite fleeting," he said as he shook his foot slightly redrawing Bucky's attention back down to his leg. "I believe what the doctor was trying to get you to deal with is how you can be happy, find peace, to be alright in your skin even when Maddie's not there."
Bucky sat back in his chair, the wind knocked out of his lungs suddenly as his mind grabbed ahold of the thought of a world with no Madison in it. "Can you get up every morning and go on living if she weren't there now that you've known this blissful happiness you keep describing?" Bucky could feel those damn tears beginning to creep up on his again. He hated how much he cried lately, but suddenly in the past few months it felt like his heart had come alive and with it all of the emotions to boot.
"Would you want to?" The doctor watched as his question hit Bucky like a ton of bricks. Every time he even began to entertain the idea of Maddie not being there anymore it nearly shut him down completely.
"I believe Dr. Raynor was trying to get you to find a way to find happiness and joy and that will to live outside of Madison, NOT to do away with that happiness. If your will to live is tied to someone else, then they are bound to let you down at some point because they are only human."
Leaning forward Bucky ran both hands hard through his hair as he fought back and lost against the tears that were escaping. "I think Madison has been a wonderful change in your life, in fact I advise you to hold on tightly to her and enjoy every second of it. I'm just also telling you there must be something more or else one day you will crumble and at that point, finding the will to live cannot be your main goal on a daily basis. That isn't fair to you and it sure as hell ain't fair to Madison."
The two men were surprised to hear the doctor swear, especially during a session. "I don't know this young woman, but I can guarantee you this, she would never forgive you if you stopped living just because she weren't around anymore."
The three men sat in silence as everyone absorbed the impactful statement the therapist had just gone over. After a couple minutes passed Deacon spoke again. "Now I know our sessions are only twice a month and that's fine if you'd like to keep it that way. But I'd like you to do a little homework that if Sam is alright with, I could use his help with?
Sam nodded his head and muttered out an "of course."
"I know that Dr. Raynor had you working on a sleep journal, but let's scrap that for now. I want you to write down anything you do during the day that makes you feel good."
Bucky's mind automatically went to something he had no intention of writing down and his blush was a dead giveaway to where his mind had gone. "Yes, I want you to write even that down," the doctor said, giving a light chuckle.
"Then I want you to try every day to find something you can do to make you happy that does not directly involve Madison's participation." Bucky didn't like that idea at all. He loved spending time with his girlfriend. "I know this will be hard, but you've got to find things that make you happy that can be just yours for a little while."
Bucky wasn't too happy about the idea, but the activity sounded relatively harmless so he was willing to give it a try.
Before they left the session, Sam explained the arrangement that Tony and he had worked out with the government to stay in line with Bucky's pardon. Deacon had no problems with it but did encourage Bucky to reach out to him if he ever found Sam unavailable, even if it wasn't a scheduled session time. He would be happy to listen.
As Bucky stood ready to leave he found himself the one reaching out to shake Deacon's hand instead of feeling awkward or resentful about the session. Deacon smiled and gave Buck a hearty shake back.
Walking out of the doctor's office and into the waiting area Bucky made the decision to go ahead and make his next appointment in two weeks. He figured that would be enough time to make some attempt at the homework he was given. As the receptionist was having him the appointment card, the alert on his phone went off signaling he had a text message.
He couldn't help the automatic smile that covered his face as he saw Madison's name appear but just as quickly as it came, it went as he read the message. "Sam, we have to leave now," Bucky called over his shoulder as he raced out the door.
Not having a moment to ask questions Sam ran quickly after his friend, down the stairs and out to the parking lot. Revving the engine, Sam floored it out of the parking lot back in the direction of the main road before looking to Bucky for answers.
If Bucky's grip on the phone became any tighter he would surely crack the helpless device. "What's up man," Sam finally spoke up.
Bucky turned the phone quickly to Sam where the text message from Madison had only one word in capital letters, 'HELP'. Sam's foot pressed the peddle as far as it would go, begging for the engine to push harder than it ever had to get them both home in record time.
As Bucky looked out the car window at the dark clouds above, he realized they weren't rain clouds at all.
"SHIT," Bucky yelled as he slammed his fist onto his thigh. "Please Sam." The desperate look on Bucky's face had Sam praying for another miracle to happen since they were too far away to be of any good right now.