Sorry if this took longer than usual, online classes have been quite dreadful lately. Anyways, enjoy reading!
"Cola with the burnt out taste, I'm the one you tell your fears to. There'll never be enough of us."
- Buzzcut Season, Lorde
He has never seen his father in such a disheveled state after he got home that night. Gakuhou was seated on the long end of their dining table, sleeping with his head resting above his crossed forearms. There was this unsealed, half-empty bottle of cognac right in front of him. Gakuhou straightened up his position at the sound of the floorboards creaking underneath Gakushū's footsteps. His eyes nearly looked lifeless with dark bags underneath them.
He pushed himself up to stand as he slowly walked over to him. There was this look of forlorn casted on his face, a lump forming in his throat.
The next thing he knew, he felt his father's hands drape above his head, then cupping his cheeks before he had his arms wrapped around him. For a second, he almost felt scared, he always anticipated the worst when it comes to him. "I'm sorry, please don't leave me again. I was worried sick." Those strange words that came out of Gakuhou's mouth left Gakushū completely baffled. More than that, his father was crying right in front of him. Instead of succumbing to tears, anger clouded his mind and led him to throw a fit.
"Let go of me!" Gakushū yelled as he struggled to wriggle himself free. "You're lying! You don't love or care about me! You never did!"
"I know, and I'm sorry for that." Gakuhou held him even tighter, "Let me fix this. I'll fix this, I promise." But due to his weakened state, he wasn't able to contain Gakushū.
Gakushū chuckled bitterly, "It's too late for that, you've done a lot of fucked up things to me just to appease your ego! You messed things up more enough than you should since mom left! We hate each other and that's how it's gonna be for the rest of our goddamn lives!" he spat, hot tears streaming down his face in a blind rage.
Gakuhou sighed to himself and slumped back into his seat after Gakushū ran and locked himself inside his bedroom. He covered his face with his hand in mere frustration, laughing uncontrollably at his own misfortune before chugged down the remains of the liquor bottle in tears.
The rest of his one-week suspension has been quite... dreary. He never bothered to go out of his room unless his father wasn't there. He laid in his bed all day, doing nothing and he practically starved himself too, he didn't feel up to eating anything at all except for when he gets extremely hungry around 1 AM. He's quite thankful that his father didn't force himself in, it was probably to let things cool down for a bit. More than that, he felt grateful for Karma checking in on him every once in a while.
Nonetheless, both Gakushū and Gakuhou went back to their usual routine the moment his suspension ended. They haven't spoken to each other since that night.
"Are you sure you don't want to skip this one? It's the last day before winter break." His father asked him right when he stepped inside the car.
Gakushū shook his head silently, Gakuhou took note of his response by looking at the rear-view mirror before he began driving.
The dreadful silence made it seem like Gakushū spent an eternity inside the car. It almost drove him mad and now he was simply glad that it's finally over. He stepped out of the car and began walking towards their building when his father called him from behind. He stopped in his tracks and turned around only to see Gakuhou approaching him with a wrapped bento box in his hands.
"Take it with you." He told him.
Gakushū retorted, his brows furrowed, "I've survived years at school without you ever making lunch for me so-"
Gakuhou cut him off, his voice was neither stern nor he didn't seem to be mad, "Just... take it."
Gakushū conceded with a sigh as he took the bento box in his hands and left without a word.
This was going to be hard for Gakuhou, but he'll take it.
The hours went by so fast, and the professors did nothing but discuss the topics for next semester. It was the last day before winter break anyway so there's technically nothing much left to do. As usual, Karma and Gakushū ate their lunch on the rooftop.
"Packed lunch? Well, that's new." Karma commented.
"My father's finally trying to do something right after all these years, and here I am rejecting it like some stuck-up brat. I feel like a complete asshole, what's wrong with me?" Gakushū uttered out of the blue as he playfully poked his food while he had his cheek resting against palm.
Karma's eyes widened upon hearing those words, he took a few bites off of his egg sandwich to process things before he tried to console him, "Call me cheesy for this, but I honestly think that your feelings and what you're going through are both completely understandable, as per the infamous quote: 'it takes time to heal.' So brighten up, smartass."
Karma smirked as he noticed one side of Gakushū's lip softly curling up. "Thanks."
"Can you give me some of that yakitori though?"
Everyone already left, which led to Karma wondering as to why the boy from across the room still hasn't moved an inch since they were dismissed. He looked fine earlier.
"How's it?" Karma asked as he sat on Gakushū's desk. He then recalled that they just received their test papers a while back, making him assume that something might be up.
"I got full marks in science..." he told him languidly.
"Great! C'mon? Where's the energy? We should celebrate!" Karma exclaimed, giving him a slight nudge on his arm.
"... but I failed in math." Gakushū continued, his bottom lip now quivering, tears welling up, as the emotions stirred inside his chest uncontrollably with no other outlet but through an involuntary whimper that escaped from his mouth. He then buried his face into Karma's shoulder, his head running wild again, as his entire body wracked and shook with the onslaught of sobs and tears.
He was getting too comfortable at this and it was very uncharacteristic of him. Never in a million years Gakushū once thought that he'd be so open in showing any of his weaknesses to anyone, especially to someone who he considered to be his former rival. But then, he had cried in front of Karma several times already, so what difference does it make anyway?
Karma hugged him, his one hand rubbing him on the back while the other held the math test paper for him to see where Gakushū went wrong. "Oh Gaku, you poor thing..." Karma uttered in consolation before he was finally able to pinpoint Gakushū's mistake, "You almost got everything right but you just forgot to box your answers?" He spoke slowly in clarification.
Gakushū looked up to him briefly in response, his eyes red and swollen, before burying his face back into Karma's shoulders. Now he was crying even harder but Karma couldn't help but laugh at the situation. He tried holding it in but it was no use, he eventually broke off from the hug as he held his stomach and slapped his thigh in laughter.
"What's funny, you asshole?" Gakushū sniffed, rubbing his tears dry as he glared at Karma.
He stopped, catching his breath as he told him with all honesty, "Wow, I'm not even gonna lie but that's like the lamest way to fail a test..."
Gakushū bit his lip at the realization, his death glare at Karma unfaltering, as he looked like he was about to burst into tears again.
"But man, you look so cute when you cry. I like seeing you cry. Is it mean for me to say that?" Karma chuckled softly while he had his arms wrapped around him again. This somehow turned Gakushū's sobs into giggles as he began to accept the dumb mistake he made.
Karma patted him on the back as he further comforted him, the waters were no longer turbulent, "At least now you're back on your feet, it shows that your efforts are finally paying off. Let's go celebrate, my treat."
Gakushū sniffed and rubbed his cheeks dry again before meeting Karma's gaze, "My eye bags look horrible, don't they?"
"No, it looks cute." Karma argued as he placed a thumb on his cheek and traced it gently down to his chin, "You look cute when your eyes are puffy."
"No, I don't," Gakushū averted his gaze, slightly pouting as he openly admitted, "I hate that I'm born with these dark circles under my eyes, it looks even worse when I cry and they make me feel insecure..."
"Okay..." Karma uttered as he began thinking of an alternative, "why don't we go on a movie date instead if you're worried about people seeing you?" He suggested to which Gakushū nodded quietly in response.
He hugged Karma again, "I love you," he whispered while he rested his chin on top of his shoulder, "thanks for making me feel better all the time."
At first, Gakushū felt that it was weak for him to need help, but to hell with pretending to be strong, to hell with false bravados and mediocrity if he knew that all these were going to take a toll on him in the long run. In the midst of it all, he felt grateful for Karma staying by his side no matter how hard he tried to push him away back then.
They started falling in love in September, but it wasn't until December when the flowers finally bloomed fully. It felt ironic, to say the least, winter was supposed to be the season where all the petals fall off one by one, where all flowers begin to wither and vanish. But somehow, miraculously, by a slim chance, their relationship found its way to sprout against the odds.
A little over an hour later, they were finally seated inside the cinema. Karma had his knees pulled in all the way up in his seat, hugging them as he held a bucket full of barbecue-flavored popcorn. They were watching what seems to be a newly-released American Horror Movie.
"A little scared, aren't we?" Gakushū teased.
"Shut up." Karma spat as he threw a piece of popcorn at Gakushū's face. "I live alone so this is kinda hard for me, you know."
"Mhmm." Gakushū nodded in response as he grabbed a handful from Karma's bucket while he had his eyes glued on the big screen.
Midway through the movie, Karma's eyes began to wander off to different places out of sheer boredom, "Look at those couple five rows below us, they've been kissing each other every ten minutes and it's too fucking annoying. Like you guys should've gone to a motel, not the fucking cinema." he complained to Gakushū.
Instead of taking this seriously, he poked fun at Karma's annoyance, "Jeez, calm down. If you wanted me to kiss you, you should've just told me, there's no reason for you to be jealous or anything."
It took a few seconds for him to get a response, "God, that was so slick..." Karma laughed as he laid down his head on Gakushū's shoulder and said, "I'm bored, are you? This movie sucks, it's just jump-scares and sound effects with no substance."
"Yeah..." Gakushū muttered as he looked over Karma and ruffled his hair.
Karma purred, "Can we go get some coffee before we go home?"
They killed some time on the rooftop in some nearby café. It was freezing outside, but the pair didn't seem to bother at all. The smell of hot roasted coffee lingers in the air, accompanied by words unspoken, their drinks slowly running cold with the dreadful silence and the long wait. Although the deformed moon was nowhere in sight, Clair de Lune playing in the background almost seemed fitting, but then again, silence doesn't always necessarily translate to peace.
"I don't think I'm cut out to become a doctor," Gakushū started, his body perched forward against the balcony, his elbows propped on the rails.
"You wanted to become a doctor?" Karma asked, his eyebrows raised, as he was preoccupied with stirring his coffee. He then leaned back against the balcony and looked at him, taking a short sip before he continued, "I honestly thought you were going for the engineering route."
Gakushū laughed at him, "Well, I honestly don't think I'm cut out for that either."
"Why are you so hard on yourself?" Sometimes, the words coming out of Gakushū's mouth put Karma in such disbelief. Gakushū was overthinking things too much but he just couldn't bring himself to tell him that directly because he didn't want to seem insensitive or trivialize what he felt, "If it's for you, it's for you... If not, then it's not. It's as simple as that."
"That's the point. How will I know if that thing's not really for... me?" There's this lack of confidence in Gakushū's voice. He wasn't really sure if he should even be voicing out these incessant thoughts that kept him up for countless nights, but it was just getting too... overwhelming for him to keep holding it in. "How do I know when should I stop trying?"
Instead of giving him a definitive answer, a thought popped up on Karma's head as he began to tell a personal anecdote from his childhood.
"I felt that way too... Well, at least once..." He started hesitantly, "I was a track-and-field athlete growing up and at some point, I became obsessed with it because it was my only outlet back then. And I think the sport really suited my personality well because all I've ever done in my life is run away from things," he jokingly added for the sake of some comedic relief, chuckling bitterly before he continued, "But then, I broke my heel cord so I had to stop for some while. After six months, I was able to get back because you know, I wanted to be on the national team badly. And then, it just never happened..." he paused for a while as he tried to internalize things, "when I got back, it just felt like I wasn't good as I was before and... everyone seemed better than me and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't catch up... I felt so left behind."
"And nothing's more painful than falling under pressure even if you know that you had what it takes." Karma bit his lip at the recollection before he proceeded to tell him, "You know, my aunt once told me, when it's probably too much, trying does more harm to you than good." Now Gakushū's face looked even more crestfallen even though it wasn't Karma's intention to make him feel bad in any way.
Karma then went on to add his own insights about it, "And to be frank, sometimes you just have to face the hard truth that your dreams could only remain as dreams. The thing is though, I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for the things that I didn't do, and for the person I didn't become. So while you still have the chance, just do it... everything will follow through." He then looked at him, "Hopefully."
"For the record, this is only the first time that this has happened to you, right?" Karma clarified before emptying the cup of coffee in his hand, shifting from an emotional tone into a casual one nonchalantly like it was nothing to him.
That was probably too much for Gakushū to take, but he understood what Karma meant and saw through every single line. He shifted his body silently and without him replying, Karma proceeded to talk anyways, "Then I say you should give it a try for the second time around."
"Maybe, I guess..." he finally spoke again.
Karma then cupped his cheeks, as he told him, "Look right into me, you'll become a doctor with or without me. I just know it."
He stood there still, a bit flustered, the background all reduced into a blur while he refused to speak. A storm was brewing in his eyes as they emit an interplay of different emotions overtaking one another.
"How do you know?"
"Because I love you." Karma blurted out in an eclipse of reasoning.
Gakushū let out a breathy laugh in response, his eyebrows knitted in confusion, "That doesn't make any sense."
"Oh, fuck logic. I said what I said."
As always, thanks for reading and let me know what you think. Have a nice day!