Several days had passed since Thanos and his legion had invaded Earth. The news was slammed with details of the missing. Story after story broadcast how loved ones just vanished before their very eyes. But it wasn't as simple as just disappearing. Those lost often led to other disasters. The pilot and co-pilot flying a 747 loaded with passengers disappeared causing the plane to crash land. One hundred and forty-seven people died as a result. Patients in hospitals disappeared from their beds, one report of a person lying open on an operating table vanished before the doctor's eyes. Others were injured as driverless cars crashed into other cars; crime and looting began practically overnight.
Local law enforcement, emergency medical staff and facilities were stretched to the breaking point trying to control the chaos. At one point even the national guard were militarized in different states to help calm the constant vandalism and crime.
Heads of state disappeared, even the President of the United States no longer existed causing major confusion on Capitol Hill as to who was truly in charge. During a time of national emergency there was question of if it would be the Secretary of Armed Services. Others said it was automatically the vice president. Some said it should be the Secretary of State since the event involved countries across the globe. No one had plans for this type of event.
Other countries faced similar problems as they too found out the status of their heads of state. England's queen remained but several of her family had blinked from existence. T'Challa having disappeared in the event was replaced by his mother, Ramonda temporarily until a permanent placement could be decided upon. After the explosion in the castle's labs had been cleared out, a badly injured Shuri had been found. She was the next blood link inline for the throne without the Black Panther warrior challenge, but she was in no condition to take any actions to secure her country for the moment.
Back at the compound no one knew what to do. Everyone was in a state of shock as name after name began being compiled by the different countries to account for their dead and missing. That's what they were being called for right now, 'missing'. No one wanted to label them dead because no one could be certain that they were. All anyone knew was that they vanished.
After the battle was over in Wakanda the remaining Avengers, those that weren't killed or vanished, tried to pick up the pieces and figure out what to do next. After being very sure that Thanos was indeed dead, Thor removed the badly charred gauntlet from Thanos' corpse. The amount of power it took to snap away half of the universe's beings took so much power that it fried the stones, melting the glove in parts around the burnt out remains.
Bruce collected it, taking it back to the lab at the compound determined not to feel useless and try to figure out something to help. Natasha spent hours in front of the computer pouring over the names as they continued to flood in across the globe of those missing or dead. But one name kept drawing her back, 'Madison Rogers'. There were moments when Nat could barely breath as she looked at the picture of her daughter with the word 'vanished' and the date of her disappearance on it.
Everyone suffered. Everyone lost someone. Tony watched on in horror as the young man he considered a son realized what was happening to him but couldn't make it in time to Tony. Peter's arms reaching for Tony, begging him to save him would forever haunt his nightmares.
Everyone dealt with the loss in their own way. Some fell apart, others entered stages of denial, and some took even more drastic steps, unable to handle the immense loss as they took their own lives. Emptiness seemed to fill the world.
The day the remaining Avengers returned back to the compound was a mixture of emotions for all involved. Tony was greeted by a sobbing Pepper as she engulfed him in a hug, kissing every inch of his face she could reach. The two sat on the front lawn together just holding one another for an hour as they shared the burden of grief for those that were lost and relief at not having lost one another.
Steve and Natasha supported one another as they walked slowly together from the quinjet towards the compound. Everyone needed time. Time to process, time to mourn in their own way.
Bucky sat in the quinjet, his eyes closed in thought. It had been three days, three days since the world stopped turning for him. Three days since the love of his life last gently caressed his cheek before saying for the last time that she loved him. Losing Sam, Clint, Peter, T'Challa, Vision and so many others was a terrible burden, one that weighed on Bucky heavily. But nothing felt the same as realizing when he stepped off this jet Madison wouldn't be waiting for him. He wouldn't feel her arms around him or the warmth of her breath on his neck as she snuggled close. He wouldn't hear her laugh again as he told one of his stupid jokes. All of this was just too much.
The pressure on Bucky's chest was unbearable. Was it possible to die of a broken heart? Somehow finding the strength to rise to his feet, Bucky stumbled from the jet slowly making his way to the compound. Entering into the building he barely registered Steve sitting on the couch trying to hold his own tears at bay as Natasha sobbed in his arms. His body was on auto pilot as he found his way to his room, slowly opening the door before stepping in and shutting it just as quickly behind him. Bucky refused to turn the light on, relying only on his knowledge of his room to guide him. Sitting on the end of the bed he reached down and pulled off his boots before tossing them towards the door.
Piece by piece Bucky removed his clothes until he was down to just his boxer briefs. Not caring what state the rest of him was in he slowly climbed into bed, drawing the covers over his head. His face was still tender as it had all but finally healed from the claw marks he had received during the battle. Having super serum in his veins he rarely ever scarred from an injury, but this time was different. Bucky found he didn't mind the small scar that seemed to be remaining just at the side of his eye where it crinkled when he smiled. It seemed a fitting reminder to him of all that he had lost.
Reaching over, Bucky brought Madison's pillow closer as he rested his head on it. The coolness of the pillow case was comforting to his tender cheek as the lingering smell of Madison's shampoo filled his senses. No longer able to hold the pain back, Bucky openly sobbed as he allowed himself to feel all that he had lost. It wasn't long before exhaustion finally took over and Bucky passed out.
Warmth. That's what Bucky felt. Warmth on his skin like sunshine on an August day. Bucky knew he was dreaming. He honestly expected a nightmare, not a pleasant dream. But then again, what he saw when he opened his dream eyes might as well have been considered a nightmare because he knew it wasn't real. He knew when he woke, the pain would still tear at his soul as it had for the past several days.
'Hey handsome, I know you aren't sleeping,' her voice whispered. Bucky knew what would come next, her giggle. Madison always thought waking him up in the morning was funny because he was not a morning person. She called him her grumpy bear because he woke most mornings with a frown that was at least until he realized it was Madison waking him up. Then his smile would appear, the smile that he saved only for her. Bucky knew it wasn't real, but god help him it felt so good to pretend that it was, even if it was only for the night.
'You can't stay in this bed all the time. You've got to get up and keep going.'
Why did this have to hurt and feel so good both at the same time? Why did the universe hate him so much? Was he really such a horrible person that he deserved this type of torture?
Bucky's eyes flew open as he registered the sound that tore him from his dream. It was the sound of knocking on his bedroom door. "Bucky. Please open the door." It was the same plea he heard every morning for the past five days. Natasha or Steve would come to his door in the morning, at noon, and at six every day asking to be let in. Every time they left him something to eat and drink at his door as he inevitably ignored their pleas. His body just didn't have the energy or the motivation to move from where he lay. Every day was becoming a chore for him to even perform his basic functions.
The dream kept replaying in his head, 'You can't stay in this bed all the time. You've got to get up and keep going.' Madison would be so angry with him if he just gave up. Bucky roll over onto his back, staring at the ceiling of his bedroom as he continued to try to motivate himself to do what he knew he needed to do.
Finally finding the energy, Bucky threw his legs over the side of the bed and sat up. The sheets needed to be changed. He had been wallowing in them for days now. Rising slowly, Bucky felt his muscles protest the sudden movement as he stretched to his full height. Taking a slow, tentative few steps, Bucky made his way to the bathroom. The light above the vanity blinked to life as he stepped in front of the mirror. Bucky was shocked at what stared back at him.
His hair lay limp against his head, stringy and greasy looking. Sweat soaked and unwashed for days. His beard was fully grown out, more than he had allowed it to become in the past. Bucky ran his hand along his jaw as his fingers gently probed the section of his face that days earlier had been ripped to shreds from the monsters claws. His finger tip found the small scar at the corner of his eye. That was his only physical reminder of the carnage he and his friends had seen only a week earlier.
Finally turning towards the shower, Bucky grabbed a towel and hung it beside the stall door before reaching down and tugging off the only piece of clothing he still wore. Stepping in, Bucky reached for the hot water nozzle, turning it wide open before stepping under the spray. It only took moments for the bathroom to fill with steam from the blisteringly hot water. Standing under the water Bucky's skin turned an angry pink as he absorbed the pain of the too hot water. He needed the pain to remind himself he was still alive because at the moment all he could think about was how death had to feel better than right here, right now.
The shower didn't take terribly long as Bucky washed off the sweat and grime from the past several days from his skin. Washing his hair shouldn't have felt so good, but god help him he enjoyed the feeling. Largely because as he closed his eyes to scrub at his scalp his mind automatically recreated the many showers he had taken with Madison. His fingers that had only seconds earlier been brutally tugging at his scalp became more gentle as he imagined her fingers kneading the shampoo into his hair. She loved washing his long hair and letting her tended to lead to Bucky becoming very aroused and then taking twice as long together to finish. Thank god for a never ending supply of hot water.
Rinsing off, Bucky finally stepped from the shower and began to dry off. Wrapping his towel around his waist he slowly walked into his bedroom. The day was moving on and he knew in a few minutes the standard knock at his door would come trying to draw him back out into the real world. This time he was ready for it. After having dressed, Bucky walked to his door. Why the process of trying to leave his bedroom was such an effort he wasn't sure, but he knew Madison would be so disappointed in him if he stayed there for one more day.
Slowly turning the doorknob and pulling open the door, Bucky stepped out into the hallway. Turning left, he faced the path that would lead him towards the kitchen. Taking the twenty or so steps to the end of his hall shouldn't have been a chore, but it was because he knew that when he turned left again the only way he could reach the kitchen was to pass her room. With each step Bucky took, getting closer and closer to that soft purple door that led to her bedroom, he found his heart beat harder in his chest. It wasn't painful like he thought it would be, it was like his body knew he was drawing closer and closer to where she should be. Bucky couldn't seem to stop his natural reaction of preparing himself to be loved on by her. She was always there, she always found him, greeted him, and loved him. She was his sunshine.
Standing in front of her bedroom door Bucky wasn't sure what he was waiting for. His head knew she wasn't in there, but his heart just needed to see her room. Reaching down, Bucky grabbed the doorknob, turning it slowly and gently pushing it open. Standing in the doorway Bucky realized it was just as she had left it. Nothing had been touched. Her IPod lay on the small dresser beside her bed. Her closet door was open showing where she had shoved clothes to the side to find the right shirt. Her bed was made but rumpled from the last time they had actually slept there. Bucky took a deep breath; the room smelled just like her perfume, Japanese Cherry Blossom.
Slowly stepping back into the hall, Bucky closed the door. She was still here, at least parts of her. His feet somehow propelled him to the kitchen where he found Rhodes, Natasha, Steve and Bruce picking over their meals. Conversation came to a screeching halt when one-by-one they noticed Bucky enter the room.
"Hey," Nat whispered out in greeting, a small smile forming on her lips. Bucky couldn't find it in him to say anything back. He just couldn't seem to find his voice. Instead he just gave a small nod of acknowledgement with his head before looking down and away. He heard the screech of the chair as Nat jumped up to grab him a plate and utensils before telling him to have a seat. She sat a small portion of spaghetti and a piece of garlic bread in front of where Bucky sat, his hands folded in his lap as he stared at the meal.
"Sorry it's not much. Supply chains took a huge hit the past few weeks and grocery stores are trying to restock. So we might be stuck with spaghetti, pop-tarts and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a while," she joked.
Everyone seemed to be watching as Bucky picked up his fork to take a bite of the food. He couldn't really same he blamed him, this was the most interaction he had with them in over a week. The silence as everyone returned to eating was hard to take. The sounds of everyone chewing or slurping their drinks seemed to be amplified without the normal, happy conversation around the dinner table.
"Do you want to take a ride into town with me today, Buck?" Steve spoke up finally after several minutes of silent eating. "Tony and I have been working on helping the local businesses repair some of the damages they suffered during the looting." Steve looked around at each face that either stared at him listening or looked to Bucky to see his reaction to the offer. "I could use your help to pick some supplies up to deliver to a few places. We could run some errands, get out of here for a little bit. If you are up to it."
Having cleared his plate and wiped his mouth with the napkin, Bucky stared at his plate a moment before responding. Looking at Steve, Bucky nodded his head to acknowledge the offer. He'd go with him. Maybe he could find something to occupy his mind and his body for a little while. He had to fight this urge to return to his bed and fall back into his dreams. His dreams weren't real. They weren't going to help him continue living and right now, that was the real challenge. To find the desire to keep living…living without her.
It's strange how time passes. They always say time flies when you are having fun. So does that mean that time drags on when you are miserable? If that were true, then how did a year seem to pass by so quickly? In that years' time Bucky found a new routine that arose from that trip into town with Steve. That day, Bucky worked himself to exhaustion, which is saying a lot for a super soldier. He moved building supplies for people, repaired damages, ran errands, did yard work, anything he could get his hands on to keep his mind occupied. He did it all without complaint and all without saying a word. It had been one year to the day since the last time he had spoken.
You might ask yourself, how does a person go so long without speaking? How is it possible to go throughout the day without saying a word? When no one pushes you to speak it becomes easy. When everyone makes allowances for your lack of speaking it becomes even easier. Others became his voice. When he wasn't with Steve he was with Natasha. Bucky found great comfort in his time spent with Tony and especially Pepper. Pepper never pushed. She wasn't overly chatty and often just allowed him to do whatever task she had for him in silence.
Steve tried to draw him out for the first few weeks after having left his bedroom. But eventually, Steve just realized the silence was what Bucky needed to make going on without Madison work. Natasha was the only one that wouldn't give up on him. She refused to give in. She wouldn't stand by and allow Bucky to just point at things he wanted. She demanded he speak to her…in the end though Bucky tended to just walk off frustrated. Natasha would often yell after his retreating form that he was going to have to speak sometime.
The first year was the hardest. On the anniversary of the blip as everyone now called it, Bucky spent the entire day hold up in his room. He spent most of the day lying in bed trying to sleep. If he could just get through today, then tomorrow would have to go back to his new normal, it just had to.
A knock at Bucky's door broke him from his thought process. No one came to check on him anymore since he stayed out most of the day lately. Stumbling out of bed, Bucky went to answer the door only to find that no one was there. As Bucky was about to close the door, out of the corner of his eye he noticed a box on the ground. Picking it up, Bucky took it inside before sitting on his bed to open it. Inside, Bucky found a note and what looked to be a glasses case.
'Your voice was one of her favorite things...you need to find it again. This isn't a solution, only a tool to help you. Don't become overly reliant on it, this isn't an escape from reality.' Love Pepper and Tony.
Sitting the note aside, Bucky pulled out the case and carefully opened it. He was right, there were glasses inside it. Picking them up, Bucky looked them over closely before sliding them on. Bucky recognized the voice of FRIDAY, Tony's automated system addressing him.
"Good morning Sargent Barnes. Mr. Stark has asked that I be your guide in using a new program he has designed. It's called BARF," the acronym made Bucky snicker as he continued to listen to FRIDAY explain its meaning. "Binary Augmented Retro-Framing. This system will open up an interactive hologram program custom designed for you sir." Bucky watched in amazement as his room began to light up, changing only slightly from the way it normally was. Turning his head left to right, Bucky was fascinated by what he saw. Technology, especially technology that seemed futuristic always fascinated him even as a young man. So this was a real treat.
But no amount of fascination or excitement could have prepared Bucky for what he saw and heard next. If he didn't remind himself it wasn't real Bucky would have sworn it was. Standing before him was the love of his life…his Madison. "Hey Sarge. Did ya miss me?"