The next couple of days passed slowly, feeling like a never ending nightmare as my cell continued to prevent me from sleeping. Murphy had respected my outburst and remained at a distance, leaving me to spend my lunchtimes napping with my head on the table. I sat with my head in my hands, leaning my elbows on the table and rubbed my temples in a gesture of stress. A couple of familiar voices caught my attention and I glanced up to see a few fellow Agro residents milling into the room together, looking lost. A smile filled my face as I viewed them and they turned to notice me with a visible relief, immediately rushing over to join me.
"Cassidy! We hoped that we'd get to see you here." Jasper cheered as he dropped into a seat with Monty close by his side. He seemed so pleased to have found someone friendly that he remained completely oblivious to the state that I was in, but Monty was already examining me with his brows deeply furrowed.
"You look terrible. Are you alright?" He queried, studying me nervously as if I were only deepening his fear of what to expect here and I nodded back to brush him off. "I was worried that you wouldn't manage here. You're too nice to be in lockup." He revealed and I smiled back at him in appreciation.
"We would've visited, but we thought it might make you more homesick. Besides, we both know you shouldn't be here. Honestly, we just didn't think we could cope with seeing you in here, too upsetting." Jasper explained, shifting awkwardly in his seat and avoiding my eyes.
"Looks like we'll be seeing plenty of each other now, though." Monty mumbled and I glanced at him with sympathy, easily remembering how daunting it felt to first be imprisoned here. "I forgot to replace the herbs from the garden. We've been doing it for so long that I guess I just got complacent." He added regretfully and Jasper peeked at him with concern.
"You'll be okay." I replied quietly, fixing them both with a comforting smile and wishing that I could find something more substantial to calm their nerves. Though I hated seeing them in here, I was glad that they had each other and knew that they'd be safe together.
"I'm glad we've got you, at least. Helps to see a familiar face in here." Jasper divulged, smiling fondly at me and I fidgeted in my seat. Though we'd never been particularly close, the two boys had always been kind to me, trading herbs that I could use to help increase the time needed between medication for my father. Though I was quiet, they still seemed to be fond of me and I felt that it reflected well on their kind hearted nature.
"It's good to see you too, but you probably don't want to be seen with me. I don't want them to accuse you of being involved." I leaned forward to whisper, glancing between them with a sombre expression as I wished that I could cling to them, but my concern for their well being overruled any desires I had for myself.
"What? But they already imprisoned you? Surely that's the case closed." Monty jumped in, his face overwhelmed with concern and I simply shrugged in response, chewing my lip in stress. "Cassidy, are you in trouble? Do you need help?" He interrogated, leaning forward to thoroughly investigate my expression for any signs of panic and I shook my head vigorously.
"Please, don't do anything. I'm fine, I just don't want to get you wrapped up in my mess. Keep your distance, for your own good." I asserted, before removing myself from the table. Considering their crime and my unique knowledge of how long they'd been sneaking things from the garden, I worried that too much association with me would raise suspicions. It would be an easy task to implicate them and I couldn't face being responsible for any further charges simply because I was lonely. Though it was difficult, I knew that I would have to push them away until they started avoiding me of their own accord.
That night, I packed my things and attended the communal bathroom for a hot shower, hoping to warm myself from my freezing cell. I'd already had my usual slot moved, but assumed it was due to overcrowding again, so I'd been looking forward to it all day. As I entered the shower area, I quickly realised that it was completely empty of other inmates and felt nervous in the eerie space. It took several minutes for me to convince myself that it was safe and carefully undressed. As soon as I stepped under the faucet, I was blasted with freezing cold water and darted out of its path with a squeal.
Shivering by the side of the showerhead, I kept only my hand in the stream of water as I waited for it to heat up, but it remained stubbornly cold and I realised in a devastating blow why I had been moved to this time. Alongside my cold cell, they were also depriving me of hot water and I spent a while just holding myself as tears cascaded down my cheeks.
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The cold of the bench felt agonising against my already chilled skin as I strained to keep my focus on the sketch in front of me and it was difficult to prevent the shivering of my hands from ruining the piece. Though I was determined, my spirit was waning after weeks without hot showers or any reasonable amount of sleep, and distraction was the only thing that could sustain me any longer. Murphy had kept his distance, much to my regret but I often noticed him studying me with concern when he thought I wasn't looking. It helped to know that someone had noticed my suffering, even if I couldn't rely on him and I began to long for his comical conversations. Monty and Jasper seemed to be settling in well, blending in with a group of low risk inmates and having finally realised that I was serious about their risk, they behaved as if they didn't even know me. Loneliness haunted my days, but I remained resolute in my silence.
"Something's going on with you. What is it?" I almost jumped out of my seat at the sudden voice and my gaze shot up to find Murphy examining me, leaning on the table between us with his brows deeply furrowed together in concern. I stared back at him blankly, shocked that he'd actually approached and I could recognise from his posture that he was aggravated. "Something has changed, I know it and I'm sick of pretending not to see it. Who's fucking with you?"
"No one." I muttered quietly as I returned my attention to my sketching to avoid his intense eyes and tried to pretend that I couldn't sense his frustrated presence. He scoffed loudly as he dropped onto the bench and I flinched instinctively, not having expected him to remain around me. On the page was a set of eyes that filled my dreams every night and I gradually added in the individual wisps of hair that formed a scruffy curl between them. Murphy sighed in a manner that demonstrated his disapproval and out of my peripheral vision I could see him running a hand through his hair as he considered how to articulate his thoughts.
"Whoever it is that you're covering for, it's not worth it. People on the Ark only care about you for as long as you're useful to them and I hate to break it to you, Sunshine, but you already got caught. You're not useful to anyone in here." He drawled in an infuriating tone and although I could tell that he was trying to be helpful, his words caused my blood to boil. "Tell me this, these people that you got mixed up with, any of them ever come and visit you? What about the one you're always sketching?" He asked, leaning towards me and I glanced up at him with tears filling my eyes. His expression revealed a hint of sympathy that broke through his cold facade and I found myself wondering what he'd lived through to have such a jaded view of the world. "Exactly. Don't be a sucker. These contacts of yours have left you high and dry. Only person you can trust in life is yourself." He remarked bitterly as he glanced down at the sketch, before shaking his head and marching away in a frustrated stomp.
His words bounced around in my mind all night, only further fuelling my anxieties over the circumstances of my arrest. I recalled all of the conversations that I'd had with Cian about the project, all of the times that he'd told me not to mention it to anyone as it would be easier to present to the council once he was able to demonstrate that it could work and my stomach churned. I couldn't be sure whether my memories were simply beginning to become unreliable as time passed and I began to forget details, or whether I had truly been so blinded by infatuation that I'd failed to ask about the legality of this project. The fear flooded me that perhaps this was my fault, that I hadn't listened properly to the processes and my own distractions had sabotaged something that could have helped countless people. However, even as the thought occurred to me, I couldn't deny the feeling in my gut that there was some darker intention behind the plans that I had been too foolish to notice.
After another painfully cold, sleepless night I dragged myself into the canteen and even from a distance I could see something unfamiliar on my table. I approached cautiously, afraid that I might find some kind of threat from the guards but as I neared, I found a green jacket bundled up with a tiny piece of paper sticking out of the pocket. I pulled it out to find a simple sketch of a sunshine on one side and I turned it over to find a crudely written note.
'? ﾝﾘﾵ? ﾝﾘﾭ? ? ﾝﾘﾩ? ﾝﾘﾴ ? ﾝﾘﾳ? ﾝﾘﾮ ? ﾝﾘﾰ? ﾝﾘﾦ? ﾝﾘﾯ? ? ﾝﾘﾩ? ? ﾝﾘﾰ? ﾝﾘﾴ?'? ? ﾝﾘﾦ? ﾝﾘﾥ ? ﾝﾘﾵ ? ﾝﾘﾯ? ﾝﾘﾮ? ﾝﾘﾳ?. ? ﾝﾘﾰ?'? ? ﾝﾘﾦ ? ? ﾝﾘﾶ? ﾝﾘﾬ? ﾝﾘﾳ.'
I felt a lump rise in my throat as I read the note and could hardly contain my appreciation as I slid the large jacket over me. For the first time in weeks, I felt hopeful that I might manage to get some sleep tonight.
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My hopes were short lived, as I woke in my cell to hear the other doors opening whilst mine remained firmly locked. The sleep I'd had was hardly restful through the noise of the fans and flashing lights, but thanks to the added protection of the jacket I'd been able to get some cat naps throughout the night.
After a while of waiting, I surmised that the guards had no intention of allowing me to join the others for breakfast and instead busied myself with sketching. It didn't provide the same comfort as my usual canteen conversations with Murphy, but I had to settle for what I could depend on for the time being.
For the first time since my imprisonment, I allowed my thoughts to drift to my father, imagining him alone in the drafty space of our quarters in Agro station and wondered if anyone other than Abby was visiting to provide him with company whilst I was away. In the beginning, I had hoped that due to our similar family circumstances I would be able to rely on Cian to visit him, but I had recently become doubtful of this.
I remembered that my father had never been very fond of him, ensuring that every time I mentioned him, he reminded me that he was far too old for me. The opportunity had never arisen for me to find out why he was so against me spending time with Cian, especially when he seemed to be such a selfless, caring person. The memory of the night that he confided in me about his mother's condition replayed in my mind, how it left her incapable of doing anything for herself and how since the loss of his father caring for her had been a burden that he'd carried alone. If nothing else, I hoped that she was well.
Days passed in my new agonising routine of only receiving meals once daily and my stomach ached from the emptiness. My face was rapidly becoming gaunt from the starvation and I felt my sanity crumbling away from the endless hours that I spent trapped in my cell. I'd begun to obsess over the past, replaying every minute detail for clues and the isolation felt crushing,
Even when I was provided with food, it was delivered in my cell and I desperately craved the open space of the canteen. The longer that I went without speaking, the more aggressive the guards behaviour became and I could tell that they were furious at their failure to break me. For the time being, the interviews had stopped and I knew that Kane was waiting for a sign of weakness before he called me in again.
The clunk of cell doors opening for lunch echoed through the halls and I jumped back dramatically as mine swung open. For a moment, I was unsure if it had been unlocked by mistake and remained curled up in the corner of the room, as if expecting this to be a trap. After a few minutes, I could no longer resist and rushed out of the tiny space to join the others. Excitement pulsed through me as I waited in the queue for food and I could hardly believe that I was out of the confined space of my room at last. When I reached the front I was handed a tiny portion and despite the sizing, I was too thrilled that I was being fed for the second time today to question it.
"Seriously, that's it? What are we on, quarter rations?"
I heard Murphy's gruff voice and startled as I hadn't even noticed him arrive beside me. He fixed the server with an unimpressed scowl, as he glimpsed between them and the tray that I was clutching, and I shuffled away before I could be pulled into a disagreement. The moment that my butt brushed the bench, I began hurriedly scoffing down the food desperately and it wasn't long before Murphy appeared in his usual spot opposite me.
"It's not your gang causing you trouble. It's the guards. They're starving you, aren't they?" He asked accusingly and I avoided meeting his eyes as I continued to eat like a ravenous animal. "You look skinny. This has been going on for a while, hasn't it?" He interrogated and having already finished the ridiculously small meal, I glanced up at him guiltily.
Without another word, he rose from the table and rushed away as if on a mission, leaving me in a state of confusion. I fidgeted my hands and stared around the room awkwardly, soaking up the freedom of the wide space whilst I could. In the silence that surrounded me, I couldn't help wondering what Murphy could possibly be up to.
The break seemed to pass in no time and before long we began being filtered back toward our cell blocks. My mind wondered as I shuffled along the halls that led to my room, when someone bumped into my side heavily and I turned to find Murphy beside me. Before I could open my mouth to question him, he forced some small packets into my hands and I glanced down to find snack rations that would only usually be handed out when meal stocks were low. I whipped my gaze up to his face with wide eyes and he smiled smugly.
"What can I say? I got a problem with authority and I'm sick of seeing these assholes kicking people when they're already down." He drawled in an effort to downplay his kindness and I crooked a brow at him to indicate that I wasn't fooled. "Don't read too much into it. Just my way of fighting the system." He added with a forced tone of disinterest and I smiled thankfully at him.
"Just be careful about getting seen with me. Smuggling is what got me in here." I whispered, my words a strange mixture of humour and concern, and he seemed delighted to hear my voice after such a long period of absence.
"Pfft. I'm not scared. They already ruined my life. Might as well make their jobs difficult wherever I can." He chuckled with confidence and I found myself viewing him with fondness.
The next week was made infinitely easier by the supplies that Murphy gifted me and I tried to stretch them out for as long as possible. I knew better than to ask where he was sourcing them and instead simply accepted that I needed them to survive. A day before I was about to run out, he caught me in the hall to resupply me and despite my warnings to be careful around me, he continued to brush me off.
Barely an hour later, my cell door swung open to reveal a horde of guards who tore through the room in search of something and I was slammed against the wall in a painful hold. They seized all of the sketches that I still had available, all letters from my father and continued ransacking the cell until they found the rations from Murphy. Once they did, they held them up in victory and I was pulled back to view Marcus Kane, who stood before me with a disappointed expression.
"Miss Ballard, I thought you were brighter than this. Smuggling within the prison only further implies your guilt. Several of my men saw you make the trade. I'm afraid we'll have to perform a full search procedure." He explained, before nodding to the guards who each took one of my arms and hauled me from the room. My heart was hammering in my chest as they forcibly dragged me along the halls and I was terrified of what they had in store for me. They threw me into a room where only female guards and unfamiliar medical staff awaited me, and as the door slammed behind me, my stomach lurched in dread.
I was forced through rigorous testing that I quickly recognised to be checking for any signs that I might be carrying drugs within my body, as they caused me to gag repeatedly and performed various other painful examinations. It was a gruelling process that emptied out any of the additional food that I'd managed to consume in the past few days and tears flowed freely down my cheeks the entire time.
Just as I thought that things couldn't get any worse, I was forced to strip off all clothing in a completely humiliating manner and marched into a sterile room where they scrubbed me viciously under a scolding shower. All thoughts of cold faded from my mind as the water burned at my skin and I could only calculate that they had included this step as an attack on my dignity. My silent tears increased to loud sobs as my strength crumbled to nothing and I felt as if I would do anything to stop it.
Once finished, I was cuffed and transported to the dark interview room where Kane awaited me with an unreadable expression. My entire body shook as I was pushed into the seat and I stared down at my hands with stinging eyes.
"I told you that you wouldn't like the alternative, Miss Ballard. Just tell us who the leaders of the ring are and this can all be over." He offered and I felt tears filling my eyes as I considered it. I still had nine months remaining until my eighteenth birthday and there were no guarantees that I would be released when the time came. It was unbearable to even imagine spending this time living as I had been and I felt as if I could burst any moment.
"I looked at your file again before we came to collect you. I wonder if your father even told you the whole picture of your background. Your mother was a sex worker, well known by men on the Ark. She managed to operate right under our noses for years and I can only imagine that your father told you she worked so much to provide for your family. Unfortunately, I can tell you that it wasn't either of you that she was trading her income for. She was a heavy drug user, mostly prescription painkillers, things that you well know are already in short supply. Ironically, many of the medications that your father uses. Eventually, she grew confident enough in her tactics that we managed to trap her, but I can't bring myself to believe that you would ever allow yourself to get involved in all of this if you'd known. Your father must be so disappointed, having his daughter follow so closely in her mother's footsteps."
I felt a wave of nausea wash over me at this revelation, feeling many of the strange and unpleasant parts of my childhood fall into place into a horrifying picture and I felt a single tear escape my demeanour, before I was overwhelmed with rage. It took all of my self control to contain the viscous anger that thrashed inside of me as I absorbed his self righteous, privileged attitude and reminded myself that my silence alone demonstrated how different I was to my aggressive, selfish mother.
"Are you quite finished?" I muttered, fixing him with a stare that easily demonstrated my anger and a sly smile spread across his lips.
"No, Miss Ballard. We still have many questions to answer."
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My entire body trembled, no longer from the cold but rather an overwhelming sense of anxiety and exhaustion. I stared into space with a wide eyed gaze and held myself in an effort to prove some much needed comfort. Though I'd managed to stay strong under Kane's questioning, the experiences of the previous day had been deeply traumatising and I hadn't been able to relax at all since. As Murphy settled into a seat opposite me, I released a quiet squeal in shock and he viewed me with evident concern.
"Shit, Cassie. What the hell happened to you?" He breathed, his expression one of pure disbelief as he examined me and I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my ears as I waited for it to calm again.
"Guards thought I was smuggling in here." I whispered, feeling entirely too exhausted to contain my words any longer as they escaped in a trembling voice and he hissed under his breath.
"They saw you with me?" He asked and I nodded slowly back in confirmation. "Fuckers!" He growled, making me flinch at the aggression in his tone and I could recognise regret buried in his face. Though he would never admit it, I could tell that he was frustrated that his actions had led to this and despite my own feeling of betrayal, I hoped that he wouldn't blame himself too severely. "Whoever it is that you're trying to protect, it can't be worth this." He added, gesturing towards me and I sighed thoughtfully. "I hate the idea of bowing to the system as much as the next hellraiser, but if you didn't do anything wrong, you should just give the guards whatever it is they want. Don't be a scapegoat, Sunshine. It's no way to live." He urged, his voice filled with desperation that felt genuine and it was hard to decide whether I could even continue suspecting him when I had such doubts about the other interns.
"I don't know that I didn't do anything wrong." I admitted quietly and he shook his head at me as if it were blatantly obvious to him that hadn't.
"Look, it makes no difference to me what you do, but you're being an idiot. The guards abuse their power on people like us everyday and you're sitting in here, giving them a reason to. Whoever you're covering for, turn them in and make sure you get a damn good deal for it." He advised, dropping his voice to a low growl and I couldn't bring myself to meet the intensity of his eyes. "Fuck the guards." He hissed under his breath, before storming away.
Later that day I was taken to a visitation room where Abby waited and I noticed immediately that she looked almost as awful as I did. The guilt of my absence crushed down on me, reminding me with a painful clarity that I could have cared for her if I'd been free and my mind wondered again to my father, imagining how he was coping without me. I dropped into the seat opposite her with exhaustion and my body trembled at even the idea of enduring another set of questions. Her tired gaze slowly explored my features and I could tell that she didn't have the energy for another interrogation either.
"You look terrible." She commented with a weak smile and I silently gestured toward her with a brow quirked. "I know, people in glass houses. Believe me, I know how hypocritical that was. I just hate seeing you look so unwell. Are you on hunger strike now?" She queried, examining me fearfully and as I shook my head slowly in response, understanding dawned on her face. "You're not choosing to do this. Oh, Cassidy. I wish you would let me help you. It's too much to bear having both of my girls in here." Her voice cracked as she spoke and I reached out to take her hand across the table.
"I'm sorry." I whispered, genuinely wishing that I could simply tell her everything, not only for her to comfort me, but so that she could help me to rid my doubts by confirming how foolish I was to even entertain the idea that Cian and the others would purposely set me up, or even allow me to take the fall for them. Perhaps if I asked the right questions, she would tell me how hard they were all working to rescue me.
"The clinic is running as normal, even without my usual energy. Jackson has been a blessing." She remarked, opening idle conversation in the hope to fill the tense silence between us and I felt my heart sink. In all the times that she'd talked to me about the clinic, she'd never mentioned anything out of the ordinary and I struggled to contain my thoughts as they bounced around in my mind. Though I'd been careful not to ask anything that might lead to an investigation of the other interns, I couldn't resist the need for reassurance for a moment longer.
"How are the other interns?" I asked quietly, fidgeting with my hands as I avoided her eyes and I felt her straighten up in surprise. My heartbeat pounded as my anxiety convinced me that I had just made a catastrophic mistake and my breath grew shallow as I awaited her response.
"They're coping remarkably well, all things considered. They're obviously quite overworked without you, as we all are. You're my most useful assistant." She answered, a fond smile filling her face as she viewed me and now that I had seen that nothing disastrous had happened as a result of my asking questions, I cleared my throat to direct her toward a more specific concern of mine.
"And Cian? He must be so exhausted with the extra work on top of caring for his mother." I remarked, allowing my genuine worries to reveal themselves whilst also steering the conversation toward the person for whom I carried the most doubt.
"Cian's fine. He's thriving as usual." She described and I felt my stomach drop. It seemed as if the others were terribly unphased by my imprisonment and I started to realise that it was entirely possible that I was protecting people who had engineered my demise. "And I'm not sure what you mean about his mother? She's an incredibly capable woman who is quite accomplished at causing trouble. I can't imagine her needing care from Cian, or his father. Honestly, his parents are a thorn in Sinclair's side most of the time. It's fortunate for them that they're such talented engineers." She explained casually and as she spoke, I felt my heart shattering into a million pieces.
When we'd discussed Cian's mother late that night in the clinic, he told me that she was permanently bedridden and too frail to do anything for herself, causing me to feel fortunate that my father at least still had his mobility. He explained that his father died when he was young, leaving him with the full responsibility of caring for her and we bonded over how similar our circumstances were. Now I realised that this was no accident, but a result of careful research. Murphy was right. I'd been targeted.
"Are you alright, Cassidy? You look pale." Abby enquired, studying me with her brows furrowed in concern and I forced a smile as I shook her off.