Hikigaya Hachiman's Path to Reformation
The Summer Camp Part 3:
Hidden Conversations
I can feel several eyes staring daggers into my back as I walk through the hallway. Sometimes, when I pass by some students, they give me a hostile look and stop talking with their fellows. The males usually hid their displeasure from my presence, but the girls were more vicious, and I would sometimes hear their voices as I pass them.
"Oh look, it's her."
"Shhh, keep your voice down."
"Look at the way she walks, so annoying. As if she owns the place…"
"Do you think she still does it? You know, openly treating Him like that? It won't come as surprising if one of the teachers talk to her about it…"
"Unlikely, since her Mother's an important member of the PTA. But seriously, who does she think she is anyway? Just because she's from a rich family and all that… I owe a lot to Him, he's been a huge help in our club and committees."
"Yeah, He helped me a lot when we were classmates. It's thanks to Him that my boyfriend and I didn't have to repeat the year…"
"I know right? You can barely approach her with that aura of hers, it's like she hates everyone's guts or something."
"He's a good guy, so it kinda pisses me off on how he's just enduring her like that. He should just put her in her place…"
"Looks like treating others with respect is something that she really lacks."
I ignored their words, as they are not worthy to be heard from someone such as myself.
As I was walking, I saw a familiar figure talking to some students just outside their classroom. He is the perfect model student, everything about him is perfect. How he grooms himself to look presentable and neat, his posture as he walks, the serious, yet respectable aura that he exudes, and especially the friendly nods that he would return to the students who know him when he walks through these very hallways. Smiling was always something difficult for him so he opted to nod instead.
He was talking casually to them, and would occasionally throw in a word or two. The small smile he had on his face was something that tried he adopting quite recently, and he looks more handsome and charming with it. I can appreciate the effort that he makes to do that, even though he says that it makes him uncomfortable at times.
He looks taller now that I get a closer look at him. I saw him during the opening ceremony some time back, but this is the first time that I see him up close ever since classes resumed. I would occasionally see him, but he is either too fast for me to approach or I am busy with something. His hair is also slightly longer now, but still short enough to follow the school's rules. I wonder what he did during the school break…
Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself drawn and walking towards him. When I was near enough, the students that he was speaking to noticed me and called his attention to me. They excused themselves and returned to their classroom after giving me a disapproving look.
"Ah, Yukinoshita… Did you need something?" He said when he turned around to see me.
I shook my head. "Nothing. What were you doing? You know them?"
He turned back to the classroom, where someone waved at him. "Oh, they worked under me during the committee before and I still know some of the other Class Reps from last year. They just came out to say hi when I walked past their room." He said and faced me. "Do you still remember some of them?"
I followed where he looked before, the faces of the students don't seem to be familiar. I saw some negative looks being sent in my direction, before turning their heads the other way and ignoring me altogether. "No, I don't."
"Already? It was just literally a few weeks ago that we were 1st Years you know…?" He said, slightly surprised.
I had no comment on the matter, so I kept silent. "..."
"..." He scratched his head, not quite sure on what to do nor react to my silence. I kept my gaze on when he eyed me from head to toe. "Umm, is there something else that you want from me…? Because if not, then I have to go back to class."
"I am going in the same direction as you are, so I will accompany you."
"Well, let's go then." He nodded and turned around, not waiting for me. I walked up and matched his pace so I could walk beside him. He walked with poise not very much different from my own. His steps were longer of course with the difference in our build and all. But aside from that, we were completely identical.
"I'm still not used to being in a club. I complained to Shiromeguri-senpai and faked crying, but she encouraged me and patted my head instead…" He said and sighed in exasperation.
"To think that she could convince you with a single word… Shiromeguri-senpai truly has trained you well…"
"Of course, Shiromeguri-senpai is one of the few people who I would follow without question." He said.
Before I could ask him what he means by that, he was greeted by several fellow 2nd Years.
"Hikigaya-san! Thank you for your hard work!"
"Give our regards to the rest of the StuCo!"
He nodded at them, but their faces turned hard when they saw me. I am quite sure that he noticed, but he does not seem to want to ask about it. Not yet at least. He would occasionally look up from the clipboard that he was reading, sometimes turning a page or two and comparing something.
"Hikigaya-kun, please stop that. What if you bump into someo-"
My words became true when we turned into a corner, he collided with a female student. He was quick to react and was about to apologize immediately, and then he recognized the girl's face.
"Oh! Chisako-senpai!" He smiled and immediately gave her a respectful bow. I instinctively followed him.
Chisako…where had I heard that name before…
Hikigaya-kun was tall, but this girl stood a few centimetres taller than him. The ends of her black hair went past her shoulders and she had a hairpin with a bunny design. She was not wearing the back blazer that was customary for girls, and I noticed that her skirt was slightly longer than it should be. Her legs were toned, which meant that she must enjoy doing a sport of some kind. Aside from that, well…
She was blessed by genetics.
"Hikigaya-kun!" Her eyes lit up when she saw him and then hugged him. He was reluctant at first, but he sighed and gave her a light pat on the back. I raised a brow at him, but he just rolled his eyes. She still had a grin on her face when they separated.
"Senpai, I see that you finally grew out your hair. It looks great on you." He put a hand under his chin, giving her a quick look before nodding to himself.
"Thanks! Shiromeguri always said that I'd look good in it, so I decided to take it a shot during the school break! What were you doing during the break, Hikigaya-kun?" The older girl asked.
"Ah, just doing my part-time job and sometimes accompanying my Father. What about you Senpai?"
"I'm working part-time too, thanks to Shiromeguri recommending me to a place that her friend works at. But it's exhausting you know? Uwaah, I still have to practice at the Volleyball Club…" She stretched her back, causing her chest to almost explode out of her uniform. I am impressed he did not take a peek at them, his willpower must be very strong.
"Nothing is impossible for Chisako Mai-senpai." Hikigaya-kun said.
"Hehehe~! Thank you! I didn't know that I had such an adoring fan~!" She giggled while putting her hands on her cheeks, a slight blush was on them.
"Are you sure that you don't want to come back, Senpai? The StuCo Room feels really lonely without you now… I miss the sweets that you'd always sneak me when we had meetings…" Whether or not he was doing it on purpose or just acting, Hikigaya-kun truly looked and sounded what he meant.
"Aww, your Senpai is getting busy you know~? Being a 3rd Year and all, I had to make a choice sooner or later. Plus, your Senpai is aiming for the top Universities!" She exclaimed and consoled him by patting his head.
"You can do it Senpai! I'm rooting for you!" He said and turned his hands into fists and started pumping the air, much to her amusement.
They spoke some more until Hikigaya-kun had realized that I was right beside him. "O-Oh, Chisako Mai-senpai, this is Yukinoshita. I believe you've already met her during last Valentine's Day, remember?"
Oh, I remember now. He gave her and Shiromeguri-senpai chocolates before we walked out of the school together.
"Yup! A pretty face like hers would be hard to forget!" She said and flashed me a smile causing a slight blush from me.
"Ah, yes. Thank you…" I say and gave her a slight bow.
She gave the two of us a knowing look. "Are you two still Class Reps?"
"No, I denied the offer from my class," I say. My classmates tried to force the responsibility on me several times. I appreciate the fact that they see my abilities, but I must say that it feels rather lonely when I am reminded of the fact that he is not my partner. Why did we have to get separated? I should have dropped a word or two to my Mother who is head of the PTA, but I do not want to get her involved nor depend on her assistance.
Also, there was no way for me to foresee something like this happening.
"Same here. It was so exhausting last year, balancing work at the StuCo and being the Class Rep and all… Remember the times when I would sleep on the floor, Chisako-senpai?" Hikigaya-kun yawned and covered his mouth as if recalling it also brings back the exhaustion that it brought.
Chisako-senpai giggled and hit his arm. "Of course! The other girls and I thought you were sneaking a peek under our skirts! Shiromeguri even requested that couch be added into the room, and some futons too!"
I gave him a deadpan look when he blushed at the older girl's words. "Hikigaya-kun you pervert~!" His blush deepened and he had to beg her to stop teasing him.
"Anyway, I heard from Shiromeguri that you're part of a Club now! We're so proud of you, Hikigaya-kun! You're finally growing!" She said and patted his head several times once more. "Was it the Taekwondo Club? Or the Japanese Archery Club? You know you always said that you were interested in the latter."
"It's the Service Club."
She blinked several times and tilted her head to the side. "Service…Club?"
"Yup, it's a new one that recently opened. I didn't even get to see the formal request, club information and all that since Shiromeguri-senpai worked on it so quickly at Hiratsuka-sensei's request."
"Oh! I see! What's it about though…?" She asked with curiosity.
He smirked before turning to me. "Why don't you ask the President herself?"
I told her of the reasons why I opened the Service Club, its scope and limitations, objectives and long-term goals. I also did not forget to mention that, currently, the members were just Hikigaya-kun and me, and we had still not received our first request yet.
"Wow, that sounds really impressive Yukinoshita-san. I can see why Hikigaya-kun was drawn to you and decided to join." She said as she laughed and started hitting him with her elbow. I did not disclose the circumstances of him joining, so I do not blame her for misunderstanding some things.
"Ah, well some things happened here and there, and soon after that my name was on the Club's members…" He scratched his head and winced when the older girl was not looking.
"Yes, I have a responsibility to him also. So I cannot let him out of my sight." I say with a straight face. Chisako-senpai widened her eyes and then grinned slyly at Hikigaya-kun, he gave me an annoyed look at my statement. We went on our separate ways, but not before she pulled him aside and whispered something to him that I could not hear. He had a small blush on his face after Chisako-senpai rubbed his hair until it became a mess.
When she was far away enough behind us, and after fixing his hair, he pinched my arm which startled me. "Do not touch me so freely," I say and leered at him. It had no effect since it only made him roll his eyes and pinch me again, much to my annoyance.
"You could have worded that last part better, idiot." He said and boredly looked at me from the corner of his eye.
"But it is true. Not the idiot part of course. I would prefer it if you would stop calling me names, Hikipervert-kun." I gave him a small smirk behind my hand.
He shook his head and sighed. "Look who's talking…"
We entered a part of the building where the hallways were empty of students. When I asked him where he was going, he said that he had to make a small detour to visit one of the clubs. Once he looked around to confirm that we were alone, he spoke to me.
"By the way Yukinoshita… Did something happen recently…?" He asked carefully.
"What do you mean?" I answered by firing back a question of my own.
"Well when we were walking, and I hope you don't take this negatively, I noticed some bad looks being sent your way. I was just wondering if you had a disagreement with one of your classmates or something." He said and observed my reaction.
"No. Nothing like that happened," I say too quickly which caused him to raise a single eyebrow at me.
I lied.
Something like that did happen.
It was something trivial to me, but to the one that I spoke to, she seemed to make such a big fuss over it. I do not understand what I did wrong.
Last year, something like that happened several times, but Hikigaya-kun would either interfere at the right time or would draw attention to himself. I realized that perhaps it was his way of wordlessly saying that I had overstepped and went too far, but I had no way of knowing since he never explicitly told me verbally.
Now that we are not together anymore, sometimes I get carried away. And without him to stop me, I feel that I may have irked some of my classmates to the point of resentment…
I truly don't understand…
Honestly, if only he were still around…
If only he were still beside me, just like before…
Everything was so good, why did it have to change…?
"Are you sure…?" I can hear the genuine concern in his voice. I badly wanted to tell him, but I also have my own dignity and pride at stake. If I did tell him, then that would make me look fragile.
And that is the last thing that I want.
He frowned, but he was not angry with me. "You do remember who I am, right?" There was a certain hint of pride in his voice, but not enough to reach arrogance. I would never tell him this, but he sounded very manly. "If I make a public statement here and there, maybe that will get them off your back." He offered. He may not be implying it directly, and he may be saying something entirely else, but to me, he sounded…
Protective of me.
I had to resist turning away with a blush.
I shook my head. "Once again, nothing like that happened, Hikigaya-kun. I do not want to trouble you nor the Council into doing such an unnecessary act." I touched his arm to solidify my words. "Thank you very much for your concern, but I am fine," I say and gave him a small smile to try and ease his worry for me.
He maintained eye contact with me for several moments, searching for something in my eyes until finally shrugging. "Well, if that's what you say so…" He cleared his throat. "I-If you need my help with something, don't hesitate to ask me…"
His words surprised me, but most of all, they made me blush so I had to look down to hide it from him. "A-Ah, I see. Thank you… Perhaps someday, I will… So please…"
"...take care of me when the time comes..." I gave him a warm smile, and he returned one of his own.
Such a brief exchange of words made my heart flutter. Even so, I was once again reminded of my lie.
In this empty hallway that we walked, the silence made the lie that I spoke too sour in my mouth.
I finally snapped out of it when I felt someone shook my shoulders. "Hayato, you're spacing out." I hear Tobe's voice as I nodded and slowly got up to go to where the others were.
"Hina, give her some time," Hikigaya said when she asked him if she should go to Yumiko.
"Okay Hachiman, but does it hurt…?" Hina stepped away from him when the others and I got nearer.
He gave her a small grin, his blood still on his lower lip as it slowly flowed and fell from his chin. "Well, it's the first time that I've been slapped in all my life hahah. I guess there's a first in everything." He tried to laugh it off, but the result was him looking gruesome. The others and I didn't look convinced. Most of all were Yukino-chan.
She frowned at Yumiko in the distance. "How could she do this to you…" She said and was about to touch his face before he instinctively cringed away from her touch. She looked disappointed, but then lightly blushed when she realized that she was in the presence of others.
I arched a brow and gave him a knowing look, but he didn't seem to have noticed me. Or maybe he just ignored me, the latter is definitely something he would do.
He felt around his pockets when we pointed out that his lip was bleeding. Thankfully, Yui went up and offered him her handkerchief. Before applying it to himself, he took a good look at it for several moments and then looked to Yui.
"This handkerchief… I could be wrong but Yui is this…?"
Even after everything that just happened, Yui still managed to give him a bright smile. "Oh! You remembered! You gave me this after the car incident last year!" He looked at it fondly before being scolded by her. "Anyway, stop staring at it! Your lip is bleeding! Do you want me to do it for you?" He nodded and we followed the pair back to the benches, with Yukino-chan still sticking very close to him, keeping her head down and avoiding eye contact with the others.
"Well, I guess we can't really make a plan right now huh," I say and they nodded in silent agreement.
It wasn't even a question at this point. With what just happened, I doubt anyone of us could think of a decent plan. "I thought as much. We should retire for now. Let's talk again tomorrow morning everyone…" With that, they started to slowly disperse after staying for a bit for some light conversation. Tobe limped away and sat on the base of a tree at the edge of the clearing, I decided not to go to him since it looked like he needed some alone time. Everyone looked drained and had their energy sapped out of them.
After staying with us for a bit and helping Yui, Hina went to join Kawasaki-san, Hikigaya's little sister and Totsuka who were setting aside the plates to be cleaned. While Yui was still tending to him, Yukino-chan looked at him with concern in her eyes. I could not bring myself to talk to her. Sometime after the bleeding had stopped, she gave him her handkerchief and sat beside Yukino-chan which was to his right, and Yui in turn sitting to her right.
No one was in the mood to talk, even someone like Yui, even so, this was her own special way of helping us out. And I will always be thankful to her for this.
"Ne, Yukinon…"
Yukino-chan was startled when she heard her name and turned to Yui. She refuses to meet her eyes, or maybe she can't. "Y-Yuigahama-san…?"
"I-It's gonna be okay! Yumiko tends to f-forget stuff like this easily. So I'm sure that the both of you can mend things if you make up!"
It was like she was in a daze. She looked at her for a moment too long before nodding.
Before Yui could continue, Hikigaya quietly shook his head and sent an unspoken message. She looked reluctant, but followed him and just fiddled with her hands as she looked down. In the end, she excused herself to go ask for help from Sensei. Hikigaya and I both knew that she was the best person to ask Sensei for help.
That left Yukino-chan, Hikigya and I with each other sitting quietly on the benches.
I wanted to talk to him privately, but it looks like Yukino-chan refuses to leave his side, sitting as close to him as possible to the point where their sides were connected. She hasn't looked at the others eye-to-eye, especially his little sister. With what just happened, I bet they don't really see her in a good light. I can't really blame her since Yumiko's words earlier were really…
I would never even say this out loud…but in a way, Yumiko is right.
I don't really like picking sides, especially when it rips apart people like this… But Yukino-chan always had quite a mouth, she doesn't know that she's hurting and offending the people around her, that's why she doesn't have many friends. It also doesn't help that Haruno-san doesn't call her out on it, almost like she doesn't care about her little sister. She looks down on people, and together with her cold personality, well… Even back then, she'd unknowingly provoke her bullies…
And after that incident, I was a little afraid to approach her…
I nudged his shoulder, hoping to get my message through. He looked at me for a moment before turning to the girl beside him.
"Yukinoshita…why don't you go to Yui and help her in explaining things?"
She shook her head and looked down, with a quiet voice. "No, I'm afraid that Sensei might get angry at me…"
"You can leave the details for later, go talk to Yui. She'll help you, you're her friend after all."
I decided to add in a word or two as well. "Yukinoshita-san, Hikigaya is right. Plus, as Yui said, Yumiko gets angry rather quickly, but she's quick to forgive too. Right?" I gave Hikigaya a nod to which he returned as we both reassured her. She gave me a small frown, but softened up and disappeared entirely when Hikigaya spoke again. It took quite some time to convince her, but she finally excused herself and walked in the direction where Yui went. All the while trying not to look bothered by the looks the others were secretly giving her.
Of all of them, Kawasaki-san's gaze stayed on her the longest.
Once she was out of sight, the both of us let out a sigh of relief, one that we were unconsciously holding in. His sigh was heavier and deeper as it came from his very core.
"Are you alright, Hikigaya?"
He shrugged and looked up at the setting sky, long streaks of orange and red dominated the heavens. "No, of course not."
While he looked up, I looked down and stared at my hands as I clasped them together. "Do you think we could have done better…?"
He scoffed. "Too late to think of that, don't you think?"
I winced at how brutally honest he was, but I thanked him regardless. "I guess so. Sorry by the way." I say and gave him a bow. He turned to me, looking confused and asked me why I apologized. "I…couldn't do anything. I was frozen there just watching them tear each other apart. I couldn't move…"
I feel so ashamed of myself…
I followed him when he told me to raise my head. "I see. Well, it goes the same for me. I thought that…they'd sort it out by themselves. I thought they'd stop by themselves without us intervening…but I was wrong."
"What made you think of that?"
He shook his head. "I don't know. Intuition maybe, but intuition isn't perfect. It's literally guessing, only that it sounds fancier."
I chuckled, the first time since all of this happened. "Oh, the great Hikigya Hachiman makes mistakes too?"
"Shut up blonde fuckboi." The corner of his lips slightly went upwards, but at least I managed to lighten the mood. "You've gotten really close with her huh?"
"Who do you mean?" He asked with a raised brow.
"You know who I mean…"
He started counting on his fingers for some reason. "There are six girls here, or do you want me to include Hiratsuka-sensei and Shiromeguri-senpai too…?"
"God help me… You know who I mean…" I say as I massaged my brows. I noticed that I recently got this habit from him after seeing him do this countless times.
He gave me his signature deadpan look. "No, I don't know who you mean."
I smirked. "You know, her. The one that you have a huge soft spot for. You always look out for her and all."
"Soft spot? Shiromeguri-senpai…?" He muttered to himself, confused.
A-Ah, I should have known. Even he doesn't realize how much of a softie he has grown into. So saying which one that he has a soft spot for doesn't really narrow the list down. He's really grown from the first time I've met him.
"For all, I know you could be talking about my Secretary or Yuuko-chan for goodness's sake. Wait, scratch that. Isshiki isn't really my secretary, oh but I did personally add her to the Council…" He put a hand under his chin, closed his eyes and started muttering to himself.
This is also one of his habits, but I'm glad I didn't unconsciously copy this from him. Well not yet at least.
I kind of wanted to drop the topic, but I got interested so I decided to go with the flow.
"Isshiki? So that's her name? I heard a rumour a few weeks back that you were secretly a couple after quite some students saw her give you a bow, you know, confession-like, near one of the benches…" I say. Now that poke around my memories, Tobe did say something like that happened. He was there practising at the field with the others I believe, he even waved at Hikigaya from afar.
"Yes, that's my one and only cute little foxy Kouhai. The one who would occasionally peek inside our room looking for me. And stay away from her, she's mine. No, we're not a couple." He said with a warning undertone.
I was confused as I tilted my head at his words. "She's..yours…?"
"That is true. She is indeed mine."
"But you're not a couple…"
"No, we are not."
"You're not making any sense Hikigaya…"
He nodded to himself as he crossed his arms around his chest. "Yes, I know. Hina said so too when she asked me about her. Isshiki complained about Yumiko's attitude when we stumbled upon her and Hina in the cafeteria. But she likes Hina though."
"And wait… Yuuko? Sumiya-san…? Why'd you bring up her name? Is there something going on between the two of you? Sometimes I'd see her give you glances in class." I ask, genuinely curious since it's something that I think about from time to time. Sumiya-san is part of the cliques in class, the girls that she usually hangs out with are Sagami-san and Naomi-san.
Surprisingly, a faint blush grew on his pale cheeks. "No. Well, it's complicated but it's over now."
"Ah, you broke up? Sorry I'll stop asking." I bowed to him again. I didn't know that he has an ex of all things. Maybe that's why he acts rather reserved around girls, breaking up isn't exactly a nice feeling. Well, not that I have experience in it.
"Nothing like that happened. Damnit can you not jump to conclusions?"
I lightly hit his shoulder. "You're the one who's sounding so suggestive. Not my fault for making conclusions based on what you say. Fine, I'll stop asking. But one day you have to tell me." He was about to retort stopping halfway and then nodding to himself. "Jeez… Well, you're right about that. Hina always said that I sound weird…"
"Oh yeah, is my face still red…?" He asked.
"Yeah, you look like you're blushing from this angle," I say and laughed.
He rolled his eyes and rubbed the side of his face. "She'll come around, Yumiko I mean. She's used to people talking behind her back. Not so sure about Yukinoshita though, being verbally attacked in front of everyone and all that..." I recalled the expression that she had on her face when she thought that Hikigaya was taking Yukino-chan's side. Betrayal, hurt, sadness, anger…
"Yukinoshita-san, really trusts you huh?" I say.
He didn't respond for several still moments as my words were still in the air. Seconds turned into minutes, and when I turned to him, his eyes were full of melancholy and emotion that I couldn't quite name. His expression, depressed and robbed of all life.
"But still, Yumiko really hits hard huh?" He forced a chuckle from his bloody lips. "It still stings a bit." He suddenly said and changed the topic, then gave the side of his face a light rub. If he chooses to stay quiet on the matter, then I'll respect his wishes. I wouldn't like it if someone keeps asking me questions about a sensitive topic.
"Well, she is a tennis player you know…" I say and watched him did some motions inside his mouth before he tasted some of the blood left on his lips with his tongue. "Ah, the metallic taste of blood…"
The sky was getting dark and the others were still there talking amongst themselves. When I looked for Tobe, he wasn't there where I last saw him. He must have gone on ahead. This has turned into a disaster…
"Are you going to them later?"
He shook his head. "No."
I couldn't hide my surprise and I turned my whole body towards him. "What? Why?" When he didn't answer, I pestered him to at least give me his reason. Even if I slightly irritate him, I must know. A word or two would be fine. "They both trust you, and with you in their presence, it's less likely that they'd tear each other apart. Yumiko knows that you'd never put this against her, but the guilt would eat her up from the inside. As for Yukinoshita-san, she's afraid of others and needs someone. You're the only one who can do this, if you need help then ask Yui. I…I-I can't do this… But you can. The both of them need you-"
"Hayama, please shut the fuck up…"
I frowned at his use of profanities. "Why won't you do it?" I ask again with seriousness in my voice.
He scowled at me. "I don't know yet how to go about this... Tch! Give me some time to think. Fucking hell…"
I thought to myself that he must be joking, or going on with his sarcasm and just pretending to sound sad. I realized that…I had put too much of my expectations on him, which is very unfair. I thought that he could solve every problem that he could come across with a snap of his finger. I thought that nothing was impossible for him to do.
"A-Ah, yeah. Sorry about that…"
"..."
He sighed deeply and then exhaled. "You know Hayama," He spoke, his voice raspy as if he had aged fifty years in the span of a few seconds. From the corner of my eye, he has a forlorn expression, one that I have never seen him make before. "I feel that after everything I had done... Does it sounds strange if I say that I deserve more than a bloody lip like this…? More like a few more, just to make this feeling go away, if only for a moment…?"
Slowly, I turned to him and I frowned at his words. "What…? What do you mean by that…?"
He stiffened and froze.
He must have unknowingly said that out loud. He glanced at me and then straightened his back. I was still thinking about the words that came out of him when he started stretching his arms and shoulders.
What the…
Those were-
Those were…violent self-destructive thoughts… I never thought that…he of all people would even think of that…
This is dangerous…
This is very dangerous…
I heard his words loud and clear, yet I forced myself to filter them out.
Because I feel that no matter how hard I try to deny it… No matter how hard I try to suppress and stomp down those thoughts to the back of my mind…
I've felt the same way before too…
He promptly stood up, ignoring my earlier words. "Let's go get some sleep. Ah, my lip still hurts…" He whispered the last part to himself and started walking away, not looking back at me and leaving me alone with my thoughts. I watched him get intercepted by his little sister and Kawasaki-san.
I couldn't stop thinking about what he said.
I can't sleep.
After everything that's happened today, it doesn't come as surprising that I would have some difficulty sleeping.
With Saika facing me like this, it really makes me a tad bit uncomfortable.
I got up and got out after wearing a jacket over myself and making as little noise as possible. Perhaps the fresh air could help me sleep and clear my head, anyway, I still needed to go to the girls and check on my little sister. I checked Tobe and Hayama, they were both fast asleep.
The air wasn't really cold, but I was surprised when I touched the wooden porch. A cloudless night sky and a full moon greeted me when I looked up to the heavens. The stars overhead, light-years away twinkled, as if it were their own way of saying hello to me. The sight absolutely enamoured me, and I found myself just staring at it for several minutes. For someone like me who lives in the city, this is a very rare sight. The lights from the city would never allow this beautiful sky to reveal itself, like a jealous woman hoarding her man from non-existent rivals.
Once I had my fill, I went on my way to the girl's cabin and saw that most of the lights were out. I took a quick peek through the window and saw that everyone, save for Hina were asleep. Perfect. She was still browsing something on her phone. Luckily, I brought my own with me, so I sent her a quick message. Then, I waited at the steps on their porch before hearing the doors of the cabin slowly open.
Like me, she wore a light jacket over herself and mid-thigh shorts. I waved and nodded at her as she sat down beside me. A light breeze came by, carrying her scent. She smelled nice.
"Breathtaking isn't it…?" I say as we both lookup. Their cabin had an even better view of the night sky than ours since theirs was at a small clearing with no overhead foliage and branches. I was a bit envious if I'm being completely honest.
"Yeah..." She said quietly.
Hina and I stayed silent for a little while, just gazing at the moon and stars. Like myself, she was absorbed by the sight. After some time, she huffed out and stood up, then turned to me with a grin as she offered me her hand.
"Up for a moonlit walk, Hachiman…?" She said cheekily as the moonlight reflected from her glasses.
I accepted her hand and took it in to my own after lightly chuckling. Hers was warm, or maybe it was mine that was cold. I don't know. "Thanks. Too bad the beach is too far away." I say and she laughed.
"A shame, but it's too corny for me."
"I thought as much."
We took a detour, sticking close to the shadows and avoiding the moonlight that peeked through the leaves and branches around us.
"Where are we going?"
I saw her grin. "You'll see."
We walked back to the large clearing where activities are usually held. I saw the area where we ate dinner off in the distance. She led me close to the edge and through a small man-made path through the trees until I heard the faint sound of running water. "Oh, a stream…" I say when I noticed the cold soil below turn into pebbles and rocks.
"I found this when I was poking around the map and geographic features in the area. We're coming here tomorrow in our swimsuits!" She said excitedly.
When we were near enough, I saw that it was just ankle-deep. I turn to her and put a hand on my hip. "You can't even swim here. Why would you go with the effort to change and just splash around with your feet? What are you, children?" I ask, completely dumbfounded.
"Because we want to!" She pouted and poked my rib. "Plus, don't you want to see us in it~?" She stuck out her tongue.
If she's teasing me, I might as well tease her back. "If I said yes, would you get creeped out…?"
She grinned and put some space between us. "No, not really. I'm not sure about the others though, I can already imagine Yui becoming a blushing mess and running away from you." She said and I agreed with a small chuckle.
There was a large rock nearby, and she led me to it where we sat down facing the stream.
It was a snug fit.
"Yumiko really did a number on you huh… But at least it's not big enough to warrant the need for stitches." She softly held my cheek and lightly touched my lower lip. The pain and swelling have subsided by just a tiny bit. I have some explaining to do when my Mother arrives… Not to mention that I have to be careful about what I eat for the next few days… Uwaah, goodbye spicy food…
"Does it still hurt?" She asked and I shook my head. "It's nothing. I'm not mad at her or anything."
She took my left hand and put it on her lap, then played with it a bit, she was giving me a hand massage. She does this to everyone after she read that it reduces stress. "Feel relaxed yet…?" She turned to me and asked after several silent minutes.
Because of how close her face was, I couldn't turn to her. So I opted to nod instead. "Yeah. Thanks."
She giggled and stretched her legs. "Weeeell, with all that happened earlier… Ah, I don't really need to say anything, do I?"
I shook my head with a small smile. "No. No, you don't."
She softly clapped her hands several times, grinning all the while. "Yay! I knew my hunch was right!"
This is our secret side that we only show to each other when we're alone.
Aside from Shiromeguri-senpai and Hiratsuka-sensei, Ebina Hina is probably the next person in school who knows me very well. The first step is the both of us calling each other by our first names in secret for around two and a half months until she decided to bring the others into the fold by dropping that fact at the Company Visit at my Father's company.
We've had quite a few "undercover sorties" as she likes to call it, and I had to admit that it sounds really cool. Going around different malls in Chiba, once in Tokyo because of our similar hobbies. Bringing Manga isn't allowed in school, but we trade from time to time. We even brought Yoshiteru and Saika with us several times. She and Saika could handle his cringe when he goes into his Chunni moments, but I can't and I walk away from them when it happens. He's amazing, that Yoshiteru. He reads BL manga without batting an eye, but it was also the first time that he read one. He said that he's doing research and studying references like the writing style and the manliness of bromance. Unsurprisingly, it was Hina who convinced him to read it when I found them huddled together in the store that the four of us visited.
Those two know about this and have sworn an oath of secrecy. We trust them of course, they're our friends too. The three of them got acquainted when they dropped by the Club at the same time. Hina helped me by proofreading Yoshiteru's manuscript, and since he didn't have anything else to do, Saika joined in too.
Yui got hyped by the number of people and decided to quickly use the Home Economics Room to bake cookies for everyone and was assisted by Yukinoshita. I feel so proud of her, she's come a long way. She says the cooking set that I bought for her as a gift was wonderful, even her Mother wanted to invite me for some tea sometime.
It was Hina herself who suggested this kind of secret arrangement between the two of us for the last two and a half months just after we became 2nd Years. I can't say this I dislike it.
It started on the weekend a week after The Service Club successfully concluded Saika's request. Hina, Yoshiteru and I were out shopping when our Chunni comrade announced his early departure, saying that Lady of his house has a quest for him. (Translator's Notes: His Mother had an errand for him so he had to go home.) Leaving me and Hina bidding him farewell at the train station. At that time, we were already hungry so we decided to have dinner before going our separate ways.
"Ne, Hachiman…" Hina said as she rested her chin on her hand. Since she's a light eater, she finished faster than me. Now she's just finishing the last few pieces of her fries.
Those were actually my fries, but she just kept on shamelessly taking from it so I just gave it to her. Damn girl...
It still feels strange calling each other by our first names though. She wouldn't stop bugging me about it so I had no choice but to relent to her odd request. It's the first time that I address someone aside from Komachi and Haruno by their first names too… Oh, Boss Yuuka, Maya-sensei, Kei-chan and Taishi too I guess.
"Hmm?" I ask after drinking some water.
"Is there a girl that you like right now…?" She asked nonchalantly and observed me behind her glasses for my reaction. Of course, conversations with topics like these don't really faze nor make me feel flustered anymore. It really helps when you don't have one in the first place, so there's no reason for me to blush and whatnot. As a result, I can talk about these kinds of things without batting an eye.
She looks serious, so I might as well answer her seriously.
But before that…
"What's with the sudden question…?" I say and lightly tilted my head to the side.
She shrugged. "I just thought about it. No reason really. You don't have to answer me if you don't want to. Oh but if you didn't that would mean that you do have someone in mind! Ahahahahaha!" She grinned cheekily and started hitting my leg from under the table. Good grief, how childlike.
I arched a brow at her, silently urging her to say more but her eyes had returned to looking at the glass. She may try to hide it, but I know that look in her eyes. She's deep in thought and contemplating something. What brought this on, I wonder? Is there a rumour about me that I haven't heard yet?
But then again…a girl that I like…? A girl that I'd like to be in a romantic relationship with…?
No matter how much I think about it, I honestly can't think of one.
Just like her, I found myself deep in thought, thinking about her question. I don't know how much time passed, but when I looked around the restaurant, most of the patrons had already left. Hina has been patiently waiting for me too. For while I was under some sort of incantation because of her question, she was just looking at me the whole time with a mildly amused expression.
"It doesn't have to be something like 'love' you know. Just an admiration is fine." She said helpfully. If it's just that, then it would definitely be Shiromeguri-senpai. But she's like an older sister that I never had, and isn't it already natural that you look up to your older brothers and sisters? Then, by that logic…
It would definitely be her.
I finally found my answer.
"Yes."
She was surprised and then leaned forward with an excited smile. "Really?! Who?"
"Fuahahahahahaha! Hiratsuka Shizuka, of course!" I say proudly and puffed out my chest. Since no guy out there is brave enough to marry her, then I'll do it instead! She's number one on my list of worthy women to marry after all!
Hmm, but she's the only one there… I honestly don't see any girl out there that would willingly marry me… Oh, but I did make a promise to my Mother that I would marry her when I was still very young and I did the same to Komachi when she just learned about the word when she was still a child… So does my Mother and Komachi count…?
Now that I think about it, probably not.
Hina's face lost all colour and she gave me a deadpan look, then went back to her seat with a loud thud.
Hey, that's my trademark look! If everyone just imitates that from me, then I'd have no other way of being distinct and unique! I'd lose my identity, causing me to spiral down into the depths of existential crisis! And then there would be no difference between me and nothing!
It would be as if I am here, but not here at all!
She put a hand to her forehead as if she were having a migraine attack. "You're not messing with me, are you…?"
"No."
"Ugh, and here I thought you were gonna say that you liked Yui or your beloved Shiromeguri-senpai…"
"Yui is a good girl and I like her as a friend. On the other hand, of course, I love Shiromeguri-senpai! Who doesn't love Shiromeguri-senpai? Please direct me to that person so I can preach about how lovely, charming she is. And if that's not enough, I will forcibly convert that person to my religion." I say and cracked my knuckles.
If a guy did something bad to Shiromeguri-senpai, I'd beat him up! And before Maya-sensei comes for my head, I'll plead that I was defending Shiromeguri-senpai's honour!
If it's a girl, then I'd beat- Oh yeah, I can't hit women... Maybe I'll intimidate or seduce her into stop doing it or something. Heh, like that'll ever happen…
Right…?
…
…
Shit, I think I triggered a flag right there…
Hina took a moment to think about my words, and then laughed. She wiped the corners of her eyes with some tissue before continuing. "Okay, aside from your daaaaaaarling Hiratsuka-sensei and Shiromeguri-senpai… Are there other girls that you fancy…?"
I shook my head. "No." I don't really mind having this sort of conversation with Hina, or the other friends that I have for that matter. They aren't the type to waddle in gossips and spread rumours. Hmm, maybe except Tobe. I can definitely see him accidentally letting something like this slip.
"Hmm, is that so…?"
"Yup."
"Would you not mind it if you had one right now…?"
I gave it a quick thought. The answer came surprisingly quick to me.
"Well, if she's not annoyingly clingy and she understands my busy schedule, then it's fine I guess... She has to be someone I know right now at least." I say and shrugged, not really putting in-depth thought into what I was saying nor thinking. This is just casual talk after all. "Oh and I still have to ask my Mother her permission and blessing of course."
She looked mildly surprised at my answer. "You're really a Mama's Boy, aren't you… On the other hand, you're in luck!" She exclaimed and slammed the table with her hands, startling me and rattling the utensils. Thankfully, none of the employees seems to have heard us.
"What? Why?"
"Because there's someone who likes you, or at least wants to be your girlfriend for now!" She said with a cheeky grin.
I was surprised of course, and how spirited she was was contagious. Whether she was joking or not, I decided to entertain her since I had nothing better to do.
"Hooooh? And who would that be?" I say bored and took a sip from my drink.
Her grin grew wider. "Me of course!"
I sat still for several moments, unblinking and staring at her, making sure that I had not misheard her and replaying her words an infinite amount of times in my head. There was only one word that I could say…
"Haah…?"
Not the most dramatic way to start something like this, but that's something that Hina would do I suppose. She even said it wrong the first time and had to clarify it several times for me to understand. She didn't even want to be my girlfriend, she just wanted us to hang out more outside of school.
From an outsider's point of view, we must be a couple and are dating.
But not once had she called our outings "Dates".
Not once.
It's true, nothing romantic happens. She might have pretended to be my girlfriend once or twice to avail a store's discount, but there was no blushing or stuttering when it happens. Sometimes we hold hands so we don't get separated when we go out, in the crowded trains and hordes of people at the stations. It was slightly embarrassing at first, not just to me but to her as well, but we got used to it as time went on. She's the one who usually initiates it.
It is a purely platonic accord.
When I ask her if she wants to come over to my house to hang out with Saki or just the two of us, she politely says "No". When I invite her for lunch so I could introduce her to my Mother as a friend, she politely says "No" as well. When I offer to walk her out of the school since I was on a break from my StuCo duties, she says "No". I even asked her if she was interested in joining the StuCo before, but, as expected, she politely said "No".
But, when I ask her if she wants to check out a new game or manga corner, no matter how far it is, she'd immediately say "Yes" with an excited smile.
She makes a border that's clear for both of us and knows when to stop.
Hina is…a strange person, and unlike the other girls that I have met so far.
In a way, she's like Haruno: flirty, a tease, likes poking reactions out of me and a bit surprisingly assertive when it's just the two of us.
But unlike Haruno, her flirts and teases have a limit to it. They never go over a certain point, there is a clear line that she never crosses. Hina says that she likes poking at me for fun because my reactions are apparently funny. I know that she doesn't mean anything bad by it. When we go out, either with Yoshiteru and Saika or just the two of us, I frequently find myself just letting her plan our activities for the day. Not that I mind, planning stuff like that is really a headache. And because she's better than me, she is more than happy to take the reins from me.
And most of all, Haruno doesn't shy away from the idea of meeting my parents, unlike Hina. The former has already met my Father a few times, and my Mother even more. I mean, it's not like I was going to introduce Hina as my girlfriend, I just wanted to show my Mother that I had friends aside from Saki, Haruno, Taishi and Kei-chan. But a firm "No" from Hina is what I always get when I bring up the topic when we secretly go out.
Is she faking everything? No, that much I can tell. Her smiles and laughter are very real. It's just that she's afraid to take a step, or maybe she's using me to condition and train herself to open up to others more. If this is helping her in some way, then I'd gladly do it. She's my friend after all. And I have to say that I enjoy our hanging out as friends.
After all, there is a reason why she frequently said that "I am a pushover when it comes to girls." and in a way, she's right. She's the first person to notice it, and in a way, take advantage of me to both our benefit.
Is it wrong to say that I like being relied upon? To help the people that I care about? To see them become happy and make a positive impact on their lives?
I don't know what this secret relationship of ours is called, but what I do know is that we trust each other and we can confidently say without a shred of doubt that she is my "friend".
She's my friend and that's all that matters.
If I had to describe it, then we are closer than "friends", but not quite close enough to be in a romantic relationship. Because, as I had stated before, there is nothing romantic going on.
She must have sensed how tense I was earlier and decided that a short walk would help calm my nerves. As expected, she knows a great deal about me.
"Yeah, your hunch was right. I'm feeling rather stressed so I needed a breather like this." I say.
"I deserve a reward for this!"
"Yes yes, what do you want? Do you want me to bring you on a vacation with my Father and me?" I say half-jokingly. My Father joked that it's fine if I bring a friend with me, but it was a super lame joke. I didn't even laugh. It was very lame, only Kamakura liked it since he jumped on his shoulder and purred.
"I'd just ruin your fun. What did your beloved Shiromeguri-senpai say anyway? Did she say that you should go?"
I nod. "Yup, I'm going. I'll be gone for three weeks."
She pretended to cry while rubbing her head on my shoulder, much to my amusement. "Uwaah, I'm gonna miss you H-Hachiman huhuhuhuhu. Take care of yourself, you grew up so fast huhuhuhuhu… I remember when you were still a shy little boy who clutched to my skirt because you're afraid of strangers and going outside…"
I rolled my eyes and patted her head. "Yes yes, I'll do just that…"
"Where are you going anyway?"
I put a finger to my lips and winked. "Now that's a secret even you can't easily discover~."
She pouted from my words and turned away from me. "Hmph! So stingy…"
We both laughed about something that we really needed. I felt the last of the tension and stress leave me when I looked at the beautiful and laughing girl beside me.
She turned to me with a sly look and giggled behind her hand. "I forgot to mention that you brought Saki Saki with you today. That was really sweet of you. Really."
I shrugged and lookup. "Well, this is my way of giving her my thanks. She's warming up to you." I say and smirked.
"Hehehe. Maybe once we're close enough, I can integrate her into the HachixHayaxTobe cult!" She laughed like a mad scientist, I had to remind her to keep her voice down.
"So how did things go at your cabin?" I finally ask, keen to get to the main point of our meeting tonight.
"Somewhat quiet I guess… When we arrived, Yumiko had cried herself to sleep, and Yukinoshita-san, while still not looking at us eye-to-eye, was completely mute and kept to herself. Only Yui managed to get a word or two out of her. Believe me, I tried… What about yours?" She said after taking a moment to collect her thoughts.
I sighed. "Tobe is super depressed, Hayama looks like he lost all of his wills. Only Totsuka can act normally. We played card games earlier until the four of us decided that it was time to sleep. You know what happens after that."
She put her hands on her cheeks, trying to act all giddy. Good grief, this girl is such an actress. "Awwwww~! And then kept tossing and turning since you can't sleep, then you came to see me… That's so sweet of you~. Hehehehe~!"
I scoffed and flicked her forehead, causing a yelp from her. "Don't get your hopes up girlie. I was just checking on Komachi. When I saw that you were still awake after peeking through the window, I thought that I might as well call you."
She stopped and pinched my side. "Uwaah, pervert. Didn't your Mother teach you that peeking is bad?"
"Yeah, sorry about that." A small smile graced her lips when I bowed my head in apology.
I raised my head after thinking that now would be the best time to bring up a certain topic. Something that's been bothering me for quite a while. "Hina."
"Hmm?"
"Yumiko… I think she's onto us."
She stiffened and gulped from my words. "Really…?"
I gave her a small nod. "I think she has an idea. But nothing solid as of the moment. She kept asking some very specific stuff when we were at the boy's cabin earlier."
I've noticed it recently. First, it just glanced, but then it turned into looks that said that she was trying to find out something. I've tried it several times. When we go out as a group, I deliberately get close with Hina, acting too chummy and touchy, to the point where it almost hits borderline shameless flirting to see Yumiko's reaction. She would frown and pout when no one's looking, but that's pretty much it. I've tried it with Yui too, but her reaction when it was just Hina and I was stronger and more noticeable.
She gave out a disappointed sigh, so I asked her what was wrong. She giggled and motioned for me to come closer so she can whisper into my ear. "Uwaaah, that's really boring. And here I thought the two of you were on the floor, with each other hands under your clothes while making out, until you couldn't hold it in anymore so you took out your throbbing co- AAAH!" I strongly pinched her side on her rib before she could finish what she was about to say.
"Ugh, damn pervert… You're reading too much perverted stuff…" I say with disgust and inched away from her. I also wiped my hand on my shorts, as if I touched something dirty. She once snuck an adult BL doujin in my bag as a prank. When I got home, I sent her a picture of her precious manga over a small fire that I made in my room. She never did it again.
"Ahahahaha! I have a very imaginative mind after all!" She laughed it off while scratching her head before clearing her throat. "Anyway, so that's why you took so long…" She put a hand under her chin as she looked deep in thought. "Was it because I was being too close to you these past few weeks…? Sorry, I must have gotten carried away at some point."
"It doesn't really make any difference if they find out you know?" I say and turned to her to make myself clear. "It's not like I'm your boyfriend or anything."
She gave it some thought and then shrugged. "Hmm, well you're right I guess." She inhaled and exhaled deeply while closing her eyes. "Have you figured out Yumiko yet? I'm honestly at my wit's end. I think she can't make up her mind yet."
I put my elbow on my thigh as I rested my chin on my hand. "Same here. I think she's feeling confused as of the moment."
She waited for a few seconds, thinking that I would continue and then poked my arm. "That's all?"
"Yes." She leered at me from my answer.
"Have I mentioned that you always sound so cryptic and vague at the worst of moments?" She gave me a deadpan look, looking utterly unimpressed and disappointed.
"You're the one who says it to me the most. There's no need for me to elaborate when you yourself understand my words and the hidden meaning behind it, no?"
She gave out a defeated sigh before smiling. "Yeah, I guess so. Also, Hachiman, if you don't mind me asking…" She trailed off and muttered something under her breath.
"Hmm?"
She would sneak me glances from the corner of her eye as if checking me for something. "What about Yukinoshita-san…? Is there something going on between the two of you…? Because we already just talked about Yumiko, but what about Yukinoshita-san?"
Ah, so that's what she means. I felt like Hayama was about to ask me that earlier too.
"Well, she's confused too, I think… Umm…" I unconsciously scrunched up my face and frowned at nothing in concentration. This will always be a very sensitive topic for me. Before I could continue, Hina touched my hand and whispered into my ear.
"You don't have to force out an answer you know? Trying to understand a girl's feelings is a huge challenge in itself, whether you're a boy or a girl. You'll just burn yourself out, Hachiman~." She said softly.
Once she pulled herself away from me, I turn to her and ask. "Even…you?"
She grinned mischievously. "Ehehehehe~! Oh, who knows~?"
I looked to my left wrist to check the time, but I had forgotten that I had left my watch at home. Taking out my phone instead, I was surprised when I saw the time and how late it was already. Time really flies fast when you're not paying attention.
She slowly rested her head on my shoulder and looked down. "Sorry about earlier… I couldn't stop Yumiko nor Yukinoshita-san. I felt so helpless that I froze on the spot, completely lost on what to do… If only I could have…" Hina's voice sounded sad and regretful. She was at the forefront of the conflict too, so she might be feeling some weight in her heart for failing to stop those two.
I put my arm around her and patted her head. "There there, you did good today Hina. Don't be too hard on yourself, even Hayama and I were the same. It's our fault, we should have backed you up earlier." I say, trying to make her feel better.
"Still, I'm sorry…"
"There's nothing for you to apologize for Hina."
I would never forget the look on Hayama's face.
In a way, he looked like me when I would recall my…bad memories from back then.
When I do remember those unsavoury times, I feel…angry. And I feel like I want to-
…
...
I'd rather not say.
Hayama's was something different. He looked like he was remorseful, stunned, useless, and too fearful to move and act. Something must have happened. Something involving him and Yukinoshita. I respect both of them, so I won't pry into their private life. If they have an issue with each other that happened in the past, then I have no right to interfere.
Before my mind falls into those kinds of thoughts again, I turn my attention to Hina since she looks like she wants to say something. She pursed her lips and thought to herself for a little while, before turning to me. "Hachiman, we're not doing anything wrong, are we…?
"Of course not," I say too quickly.
"This secret of ours, isn't wrong, right?"
"No, it's not. Why would it be wrong in the first place?"
She slowly shook her head against my shoulder. "The others may not see it like that though…"
From my perspective at least, there is nothing wrong with it. I see her as a close friend, nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes, I hang out with her during the weekends, just like how I hang out with Shiromeguri-senpai after work. I assist her when she needs my help with something, like how I help Saki with her studies. I laugh with her, just like how I laugh with Yui and Isshiki when they do or say something silly. We tease each other, just like how Yumiko, Haruno and I tease each other. We make light banter, like a certain black-haired girl whose older sister also happens to know quite a bit about me.
I treat her the same way I treat others. Well, aside from the occasional "undercover sortie". Ah but it's really just us hanging out by ourselves or with Saika and Yoshiteru.
"Is that really how you feel?" She asks me.
I nod. "One hundred per cent certain."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
She looked up stared deep into my eyes, studying me as if I were somehow deceiving her. There was no blush on her face, nor any hint of embarrassment or anything that could result from our faces being this close. "So why do I feel reluctant to open up to the others…?"
Now that was an extremely difficult question to answer.
"Why do I feel comfortable talking about these kinds of things with you, but when I think about the others, it makes me feel nervousness and anxiety…?" She added when I was still thinking about her first question. Her face said that she was confused, and under the moonlight that shined down on us, her eyes looked like they were scared and reluctant.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry Hina, but only you can find the answer to those yourself."
"Am I a bad friend to them if I say that I don't fully trust them yet?"
"Trust…may be difficult to earn, but it is even more difficult to convince yourself to trust another person. It's normal to be afraid. Trust me, I know." I say.
There will always be that voice at the back of your mind saying otherwise.
Always.
Because I know that feeling all too well.
She nodded and took several quiet moments to herself, thinking about our words before continuing. "What about me? Do you trust me?" She looked at me from the corner of her eye behind her glasses, either too shy or embarrassed to face me directly. Not that I blame her. That question is embarrassing regardless of who you are talking to.
Even though it was a bit embarrassing, I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "Of course I trust you. You're my friend. I wouldn't agree to be in on this with you if you weren't. Remember what I said before? If this helps you in some way, if this helps you grow as a person, if this helps you learn how to open up to others on a deeper and fundamental level, then I'd be glad to help." I say with honesty and conviction.
Really, I wouldn't hesitate to help my other friends should they need my help.
Slowly, a wide smile graced her pink lips and she started giggling before giving my other cheek a light pinch, much to my chagrin. "Careful now Hachiman~, if you keep on whispering sweet-nothings that make my heart skip a beat like that, then I might fall for you and demand you take responsibility for me~. I'm not exactly a good girl you know, so I may be quite a handful~… Please be patient with me~!"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "What are you talking about? You're already a handful as it is. And please, we both know that it'd take more than that…"
"Are you sure~? Today might be your lucky day~…" She said and fluttered her eyes at me while shortening the space between our faces, trying to look cutesy. I raised a brow and gave her an amused look.
Hooooh… She's being such a huge tease today, I wonder if something good happened earlier before the fight. I did hear some very loud squealing from Yumiko and Hina's laughter after I left the group. I wonder what they talked about…?
It had better not be me…
"Are you hitting on me?" I say with mock surprise in my voice and hand over my chest. Like an Ojou-sama being addressed by a common town girl. "I'm sorry but I'm still not emotionally nor mentally prepared to be in a relationship. My mind is a mess right now and getting a girlfriend is the least of my concerns. I'll also be leaving Japan in a week and a half so immediately leaving you alone for three weeks just after being in a relationship would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Also, there are some things that I need to sort out first, like what I want to do right now and in the future. Please try again after several months maybe after my mind is clear." I finished it off by giving her a dramatic and apologetic bow.
She put a hand over her mouth and giggled, before faking a hurt and sad expression. It was terrible since she can barely suppress her smile and giggle. "Pffff-! D-Did I just get r-rejected by my super cool and rich 'acting-boyfriend'…? Uwaaah, this sucks… I'll go publish my HachixHayaxTobe BL Light Novel in the upcoming Summer Con in Chiba… I think I can at least sell a million copies and distribute a free copy to all the schools here…"
"WAIT! Oh no no no no no no! I'll stay so please don't publish it!" I exclaim loudly before we erupted into laughter.
She was just finishing wiping the tears on the corners of her eyes when we heard something behind us. We turned our heads at the same time and saw a little girl with a stick under the moonlight.
Now.
I don't know about Hina.
I don't know if she easily gets startled by things like these.
But seeing a little girl in the middle of the night, in the forest is something that would freak the heck out of me.
So, with that said…
I screamed.
"AAAAAAA-!" Before I could wake the Slumbering Gods themselves with my shriek of terror that must have been heard from all the different timelines, dimensions and realities, I felt a hand quickly cover my mouth while also being careful about my swollen lower lip.
"Shhhhh!" Hina hissed at me to stay quiet. My heart was beating so fast that I feared that it would explode out of my chest like a newborn xenomorph from the movie Alien. "Hachiman, quiet!"
The little girl continued to stare at us, possibly wondering what we were doing here by ourselves in the middle of the night. Hina took the initiative and called out to her. "Hello! Sorry about my friend here, he didn't expect anyone to walk in on us."
Since she was standing right between the shadows and the moonlight, I couldn't see her face quite clearly except that she had long hair. Hmm, I think I need glasses.
The small figure tilted her head to the side and then stepped forward. "No, I should be saying sorry for disturbing a couple like you." Tsurumi Rumi said. Before I could correct her, Hina pinched my side and gave me a look that said "Stay quiet for now!"
"Oh! Tsurumi-chan! Why are you out here?" Hina asked when she realized the little girl before us...
She shook her head and swung the stick here and there. "I can't sleep. What about you? Why ar-" She stopped mid-sentence when she saw me and then frowned.
"Hachiman? What's with your lip? Got into a fight with your girlfriend?" She asked nonchalantly. Goodness, this brat has no sense of tact. She's even already addressing me by my first name.
"Oi oi oi, getting awfully close now, are we… Anyway, it's none of your concern so don't mind it." I say. She didn't look convinced, but she also didn't want to disobey me so she stayed quiet. Instead, she turned her attention to the girl beside me.
"What are you two doing here?"
Hina answered for us. "Just talking and planning tomorrow's activities. Shouldn't you already be sleeping?" Tsurumi shook her head and suddenly got quiet. I exchanged a glance with Hina, she nodded. I stood up and offered Tsurumi to sit on the rock beside my female companion.
"What are you doing tomorrow, Tsurumi-chan?" Hina asked as she gently patted the little girl's head. I have to admit that that was a really smart move to coax some answers out of her.
"The…test of courage thing…"
Ah, that thing.
I hated that back in Elementary and Middle-School.
They always made me the monster, and I wasn't even wearing anything scary or anything like that. When it was done, no one would look for me, and I'd wait for an hour or two for the next group to show up. When I go back to my class, the teacher would humiliate me in front of everyone…
"Oh! We had that in Middle-School too! But I didn't really like it…" Hina's enthusiasm went up in smoke but she managed to quickly recover and continue the conversation. "Are you looking forward to it?" She asked.
The little girl shook her head and looked down, letting the stick that she held fall to the ground. "No, not really. If anything, I want to go home…" She said quietly. Having heard her tone, Hina pulled the little girl closer to her to make her feel better.
Looking at her, I see my younger self.
Sad, alone, being ostracized by my classmates and with no one to depend on but myself. I was literally a Sheep living among vicious Lions. My younger self back then, and the way she is right now aren't that different. In a way, it's like I'm watching my younger self. Just looking at her hurts me.
Aside from the fact that I went on ahead of the group because I was feeling under the weather earlier, it was also because I saw Tsurumi being treated as an outcast. It hurt me so much that I had to break away from the rest of the group. It's fine if she's alone, but when I see her being treated badly like earlier, the pain comes back.
Hina noticed my stare called my attention. "Hachiman? Is something wrong?"
I shook my head and called Tsurumi's name, she looked up to me, with those sad and lonely eyes. She looks just like me.
"Tsurumi."
"Hmm?"
I went to eye level with her and put my hand on her cheek. "Would you mind it if we added a little…twist, to your 'test of courage?" I ask.
From under the shadow of a tree, I watched Hina walk hand-in-hand with Tsurumi, guiding her back to her cabin. The little girl's pace was slow, poor thing must be exhausted after such a day. Before she let go of her, she gave Hina a quick hug then waved at me, and went quietly back inside her cabin. She had already hugged me too before she went with Hina a few moments ago, her small body felt so fragile against my own. I deliberately prolonged the hug, telling her that everything is going to be alright.
Once that was done, I decided to walk Hina to her own cabin. We walked slowly and carefully since the moon had moved quite a bit, along with the amount of light that passed through the canopy above. "I feel really sorry for her…" She instinctively reached out to my hand to maintain her balance when it was partially dark in front of us.
"I feel the same way. That's why I plan to help her."
I felt Hina tug my sleeve to get my attention. Even though I couldn't see her face, I sensed worry and concern in her voice. "What do you plan to do? I hope you don't do anything strange…"
"Something that would help her. I'll tell you and the others about it tomorrow morning." I say. Though I did say that I would help her, I still don't have a solid idea of what to do. Maybe I'll consult Hiratsuka-sensei or Hayama, they're probably the best people to ask aside from myself. I can see Yukinoshita offering her own idea, but with how she is right now, I doubt I could get a satisfactory answer from her.
I decided to not ask Hina, since I'd like her to have a clear mind tonight before sleeping, instead of getting dragged by my wish to help Tsurumi. Even though she promised to help her too, I'd like to do everything by myself if I can.
"I see…"
Once I walked her close enough to her cabin, she stopped and turned to me. "I'm fine here Hachiman. You should go too, one of them might have woken up and found out that you were gone."
"Yeah. Goodnight Hina."
"Yup, sweet dreams. Get some sleep, you need it." She gave me a small smile and turned around, not looking back once. I watched her until she disappeared behind that wooden door.
"..."
…
…
…
Aside from the sound of insects around, it was completely silent.
Since Hina wasn't with me anymore, I stopped sticking to the shadows and stepped out under the slightly lit areas. It wouldn't be good if I tripped over something and hurt myself after all. Another injury isn't on the list of things that I'd want tonight.
"..."
Recently, I realized that I'm unconsciously going out of my way to be with my friends more. Hina and the others, Yukinoshita and the Service Club, Saki, Saika, Shiromeguri-senpai and sometimes even Yoshiteru when he wants me to read his manuscript in the library or on the rooftop.
I don't know when this all started, perhaps two months ago I think. Hayama was the one who pointed it out several times, I would dismiss his claims, but I now realize that he was right. He says that I've become more sociable, not just him, but also Yui, Yumiko, Hina and Tobe. Everyone really.
But after my little test with Saki and Yukinoshita, I also realized something.
When I'm alone and by myself, I get…very bad thoughts.
Thoughts that I would never think of when I'm in the presence of other people.
Unthinkably disgusting and hateful thoughts about the people that I care about, and even about myself. They tell me that my friends are fake. They tell me that I am the biggest liar, and the friends that I have right now are just my tools and playthings. They tell me that I am a fake, that I am nothing but a liar and a deceitful conniving snake. They tell me that I am a worthless human being.
I still can't see eye-to-eye with them, the thoughts that I had with Saki and Yukinoshita. Looking at them just makes my heartache from the shame and guilt of what I did to them. When I see their faces, I deliberately unfocus and blur my vision. The smiles that they give me makes the pain feel a hundred times worse, so much that I want to run away and hide from them.
Saki… I feel so disgusted at myself. God, I feel like I molested her, touching her like that. Even when she didn't deny my advances, the fact remains that what I did was very wrong. Playing with her emotions and taking advantage of her feelings, that was seriously trashy and low for me to do. I don't know why I did that in the first place, I can't remember anymore. The horror and guilt came to me when my Mother asked if I was feeling alright when I was just sitting down on the doorstep and staring at nothing yesterday. To distract me from the remorse and self-repulsion, I stayed with Komachi in her room since her presence calms me down. Every time I see my own reflection, I feel the urge to hit myself for what I had done to her.
I think was just being too emotional with Yukinoshita's case when I was at her apartment. The frustration coming from myself was real, but directing it at her was very unfair. It was very unfair… Perhaps it was not just frustration, but something like my psychological state spiralling down when I remembered all the bad things that I endured back in Elementary and Middle-School. All those things coming back to me, attacking me all at once from all directions in the span of a single moment, it felt terrible. The loneliness, the helplessness, the feeling that no matter what I do or say, I will always be hated. I never want to feel that way ever again. Perhaps seeing Yukinoshita break down in front of me, crying on my chest and begging for my forgiveness, begging me to stay with her and not leave her alone triggered something inside me. The influx of so many pent-up emotions that I had kept tightly sealed within me for many years threatened to spill out like an overflowing dam.
Perhaps, I wanted to cry with her: to let out all the anguish and pain, to cry at how the world was so unfair, to yell at how no one even gave me a helping hand back then. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have. Maybe I should have cried if it meant that the pain that I've been carrying with me would subside a bit.
Why had no one helped me back then…?
Not even once…?
Was I…really not worth helping…?
Was I really worthless as a human being…?
That is why I have decided to help Tsurumi Rumi.
I will do everything I can to help her. No matter what kind of means and measures I take.
If I have to destroy the fragile friendships of those that make her life miserable so much… If I inflict so much fear into them that they would not even think of doing it again… Even if doing so will risk the reputation that my Family name carries with it…
Then I will do it without a second thought.
If it comes to it, I am willing to sacrifice everything. Even if the others hate me for it.
If no one was there for me… If no one was there to offer a helping hand… If no one was there to console and tell me that everything was going to be okay… If no one even bothered to ask me how I'm feeling…
Then I will be that person for her.
If I can at least save one person… If I can at least make a small difference in this cruel world by saving this little girl that reminds me so much of my younger self…
Then that is all I need.
…
…
Ah… I really need a hug right now…
Man, what started back in 2013 just ended yesterday. It took 7 years for this glorious series to end. And I'm glad I was with it from start to finish.
Season 3 just ended. It's been, wild ride boys and girls. The entire episode was spectacular, I must have filled an entire bucket with the tears that I shed lol. Watari Wataru-sensei is releasing a new book, following Hachiman's life as a Third Year, I can't wait to read it! If you REALLY want to support the series, PLEASE purchase the Light Novel, Blu-Ray and other Official Merchandise! Oh and follow Wataru Watari-sensei on his Twitter account for updates, and also the series' official illustrator, Ponkan8-sensei for their gorgeous art!
I myself plan to order online some figures of Hachiman, Yukino and Yui!
Okay back to the FanFic…
16k words, wow. I'm really going all out huh. 0_0
I'm really glad about the feedback on Chapter 48. That was my first time writing a heated exchange of words, emotional outbursts and all that. I was originally going to take out the slap scene, but then Yumiko is a very expressive and passionate person, it wouldn't come off as surprising if she got carried away by anger and all that. Especially since she's rather protective of her friends.
You know I was a bit worried that there was too much of a mix of positive and negative emotions in one chapter, but I'm glad that it turned out pretty well! Was the drama good? Or could I have done better at some parts?
Now in this Chapter, quite a few revelations are coming to light. Yukino's flashbacks, Hayama getting really worried for Hachiman, Hina's insecurities and her incapability to trust the others and the extent of her friendships(with Hachiman especially), and of course Hachiman's promise to Tsurumi and his monologue at the end.
I enjoyed writing Hina's scenes since I've been planning this Chapter way back in Chapter 31! She was supposed to finally get her own POV in Chapter 43, but I decided that it would be Hayato's turn for now! Ever since her Arc in the 2nd Season, I've always found her really interesting as a character. I guess even Riajuus get trust and friendship issues too. There's also a reason why she's the 2nd girl to be introduced in this story.
But still, Hina is really sneaky huh... Hiding from the others that she's "going out" with Hachiman and all that. Looks like she really was doing her own stuff with Hachiman on the sidelines, and showing him a side of her that she would never show to anyone else. They're not exactly dating, but it's still something I guess. Both of them say that it's a purely platonic agreement, but who knows what might happen in the future~? You never know how unpredictable a girl like her could be…
Anyway, let me know what you think of this chapter by writing a review or sending me a PM! :)
Oh yeah, I'm also planning to update one of my other fics. Either the alternate ending one with Sumiya Yuuko, or the alternate future with Hiratsuka-sensei and Haruno. Just check out my profile if you want!
And I plan to publish a new FanFic too… Please don't get mad or cringe...
But I want to try writing an Oregairu Fanfic with a Fantasy World/Isekai/MMORPG setting… I'll be taking elements from That Time I Got Reincarnated As A Slime, Overlord, Goblin Slayer, Sword Art Online, Log Horizon and a few others.
Anyway! That's enough of my Author's Notes!
As always, favourite, follow and review if you want!
See you next week everyone! :)