Hikigaya Hachiman's Path to Reformation
Troubled Thoughts
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He's still not replying…
I quietly sigh while putting away my phone. It didn't come unnoticed by the white-haired boy beside me.
"Hina?" He asks in a concerned manner as we walk together. We had said goodbye to Yui and Yukinoshita-san earlier after Sensei dropped us off. Now we'll take the train and separate at the next stop since he still had tennis practice later.
"Oh, it's nothing." I give him a reassuring smile, which did little to ease his worry. He kind of reminds me of Yumiko. He's always looking out for me, Hachi-kun and Yoshi-kun. Especially at gym class where he keeps an eye on Hachi-kun since he might overexert himself and faint again. I can't exactly act too close to him without questions being asked, so Saika does it in my stead.
"You've been spacing out since earlier… Hachiman still hasn't replied…?" I shake my head at his question and he makes a difficult expression.
We stick to the shadows of the buildings as we walk. There were only a few people around in the street, but that will change the closer we reach the train station.
"That girl… Yukinoshita-san's older sister, I mean. Have you met her before?" Saika asks the question that both of us have been holding back since riding with Sensei and the others earlier.
The ride back to Chiba was terribly awkward and silent. And I don't want to sound nasty or mean or anything like that really, but it was because of Yukinoshita-san's mood. Yui and Sensei tried to talk to her, but her replies were short and came out too stiff as if just uttering a single word uses a tremendous amount of energy.
I spoke with her a bit, but she didn't even make eye contact with me once. It's the same with Saika.
"No. It's the first time that I've seen her…"
He nods and puts his arms on the back of his head while we walk. He looks up to the sky, silently in thought before speaking again several moments later.
"Hachiman has never mentioned her to me too, even in the group chat. But, why would he mention her anyway? She's just a friend from the looks of things." Saika says as if he were talking with himself and not to me.
With how she acted around Hachi-kun earlier, it doesn't look like that at all.
From an outsider's perspective, she looked like his older and flirty girlfriend.
And it really annoyed me.
It…honestly irked me how she kept an observant and teasing eye on us. Watching our every move, and taking in our reactions. Between Yui and I, the one that may have visibly showed surprise was me. But thankfully, most of her attention was on her little sister. It must have been because I was the most plain-looking of the bunch that she only spared me with a quick glance and that was it…
It was painfully clear that she was trying to provoke Yukinoshita-san. For what purpose, I could only guess.
"Yeah. Well, they're no strangers to each other at least, and he tolerates her…closeness." I say while trying to sound like it didn't bother me.
I shouldn't be jealous…
Of course, I'm happy that he has friends aside from us at school. I could never begrudge him that. I love him as a friend after all. I am in no position and nor do I have the right and privilege to complain nor dictate to him on who he should associate himself and be friends with. And if she is someone that he trusts, then I guess that is fine.
No matter how tough and cold he acts, even someone of his position would feel loneliness and yearn for companionship. A friendship that doesn't require him to put on airs, act according to his status, and most of all, a friendship that doesn't demand him to put on masks to hide his true self. That's why he reached out to Saika, Yoshi-kun and me for this exact purpose, even if he hasn't outwardly said it himself, I know that this is the reason.
It must be mentally and emotionally exhausting for him to do… I can't imagine how he can keep it up every day at school. Always keeping the reins on himself stable and in control. How he has to act according to how the public perceives him, as well as his sense of pride that comes with it. Not to mention that his name carries some weight with it.
Still, to say that I'm not at all bothered by how she acted around him would be a lie. And yet, I had no choice but to watch her do all those kinds of acts of provocation.
I didn't like that feeling. I felt like salt was being rubbed over my open and bleeding wounds.
Even though I'll feel like a hypocrite for having these kinds of thoughts with our "relationship" that only our small group of friends know about… I have to be honest with myself, at least with this.
I really didn't like that feeling.
Saika and I took the train and I bade him farewell when we separated at the next station. I arrived home, immediately took a bath and went straight to bed.
No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about this morning's events. Just thinking about it drained me. I checked my phone again, I lost count on how many times I did it since this morning. I decided not to call him but sent him a message, and then waited for who knows how long with my face in my pillow.
I waited and waited until my eyes started feeling heavy, and before I completely surrendered to the feeling, I take one last glance at my phone's screen with heavy eyes.
…
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Still no reply…
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"..."
Nee-san is still not answering her phone…
I sigh and put down my phone on the table and sit on the edge of the sofa.
It has been two hours since I arrived here at my apartment. After I took a bath and changed into my indoor clothes, I have been trying to contact her ever since yet to no avail. It has made me feel restless and anxious, which caused me to walk around impatiently while waiting for her to answer. I have so many things to ask her.
What was the reason for her being there?
Why was I not allowed go with them?
What did she mean when she said that she already has his Parent's permission?
Why did he go with her, without even telling us prior to her arrival?
And most of all…
Since when had they gotten so close without my knowledge? They are even on a first-name basis, not to mention giving each other nicknames that would only be possible if they are very close…
He even called her "Nee-san"…
I let out an even deeper sigh and lean back until I was lying on the sofa. It did not alleviate the discomfort that I was already feeling, since I had just eaten several minutes ago. The food was bland and tasteless on my palate.
I smile fondly at the new memories that I made during the summer camp, as well as feeling some guilt and shame over what happened between Miura-san and me.
She is a good person, and I regret provoking her too much back then. I have made my peace with her, and have gotten a bit closer to Komachi-chan as well as Ebina-san, but I think Kawasaki-san still feels wary of me. I cannot blame her for feeling that way. She seems close with Hikigaya-kun and his family, so hearing that I have said those bad things about him must have upset her…no, it surely has. If I find out that someone has been doing that to someone I hold dear, then I would feel the same way as well.
Just remembering their faces while they looked at me upon hearing of it…is enough to make me want to run away and hide.
Now that I recall some of the things that had happened over those past two days, I have just realized something. I have only thought of it now because I am alone and without the company of others that may distract me. It may be tiny and insignificant, perhaps I am just overthinking things but…
I think Hikigaya-kun has been avoiding me…
We barely spoke except for when the situation demanded it, and I had no time to privately speak to him since he was always with his other friends. It reminded me that aside from myself, he has his own social circle as well, of which Yuigahama-san is already a part. I could not actively seek him out since there were others in our presence, and also because I had to be with Miura-san at all times so that rules out the possibility of us having some privacy.
Aside from that, I felt slightly alienated at being the only one not being called by their first name by him.
Well…aside from him, at least.
I would feel awkward and out-of-place when I think of it at random times of the day, especially when I was with the others. The pleasant smiles and laughs that he would make were completely different when I am with him, and I felt like he was treating me differently than the others. Even with Yuigahama-san's presence in the Service Club, there is something different about it. Ebina-san, Yuigahama-san and Miura-san make him happier than I could ever hope to do. He smiles wider, laughs louder with them, and because of that, I cursed how socially inexperienced I was.
It was painful when I realized it. I did my best to ignore how some of them can be so freely touchy with him, without him complaining nor moving away. Even so, I could not help but feel envious of them. How Miura-san held his hand in hers, how Ebina-san casually took him with her to the changing area, and how he freely puts his hand over Yuigahama-san's shoulder and fondly pats her head.
Even that little girl, Tsurumi Rumi. She was the one who kissed him three times. To think that I would feel envy because of an elementary schoolgirl…
If it was me, he would undoubtedly put some space between us.
There was a towering wall that I had yet to overcome, and I could not move when I stand before it. I want to be closer to him, to narrow the distance between us but at the same time, I am afraid.
I am afraid that he may still hate me for what I did.
I don't know how long I waited, but I immediately bolted upright when I heard my phone make the notification sound. I took it and unlocked it, and unfortunately, it was just an advert from the telecommunications company.
To keep my mind distracted while I wait for Nee-san's reply, I decided to go to my room and open my school materials. I may as well do the summer homework and finish everything while I am at it. After I take some small snacks from my refrigerator and cabinet in the kitchen, I go inside and neatly place everything on my study table.
Minutes turned into hours, and before long, I had already eaten dinner, took a bath and brushed my teeth and was preparing to finally tuck in for the night. I am halfway done with the homework, I could do an all-nighter if I wanted but my body needed its rest for now. I get my phone and unlock it to see if I have received any word from Nee-san.
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Still nothing.
But I took comfort at the image that I saved as my phone's wallpaper.
It was the photo that we took when we were at the park. He had a rare handsome smile on his face, an expression that I have only seen him make several times before. His hair was styled neatly and tidy, as well as the clothes that he wore that time. His eyes were the same cold and sharp ones, but within them held some light.
When I first met him, I thought of them as disgusting, horrid and creepy. But over time, I learned to see past them and know more about the boy called Hikigaya Hachiman. His likes and dislikes, his siscon tendencies, his fascination for those animated shows and manga, as well the surprising intelligence that he held which managed to best me in our Year. Even until now, I have not yet won against him in Academics. At first, I disliked him because of it, but I realized that he was a worthy rival, even with those eyes that I mocked him for having.
I daresay that I find his cold and dark eyes very charming, in their own special way. I feel like if I stare too long at them, I'll -
Ah. Never mind, it is far too embarrassing to say...
With a dejected sigh after putting down my phone on the desk, I turn off the lights and lie down on the bed. After blankly staring at the ceiling for several seconds, I turn to my right.
Just some time ago, he was here sleeping with me on this bed. He slept so soundly and peacefully, even as I had put my arm and leg over him. I remember how warm he was when I rubbed my cheek on his chest, and how excited I felt to have him so close to me in this secluded room. My sense of touch becoming hypersensitive just from the brief contact of our shoulders. I almost did something to his sleeping form back then, and I managed to stop myself just in time. No other souls aside from ourselves would have known what transpired here…
No one.
My heart begins to beat faster as I feel sudden overwhelming hotness go over my body. I start thinking about inappropriate things. Something could have happened here if both of us got carried away… The mere thought of it makes my body heat up and my mind start spinning.
I toss and turn on the bed, trying to shake off those thoughts from my mind. When my breathing was starting to get heavier, I bite my lip, trying to remind myself not to do anything strange and vulgar, as well as keeping my hands under my pillows.
Seeing that I cannot sleep in such a state, I get up and go to the kitchen to make a cup of warm milk. I may as well watch something on the TV.
Hopefully, I will drift off into sleep with this.
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I wonder what the both of them did today…
Hi guys, Ivanov117 here!
I decided to make a short special monologue chapter from Hina and Yukino's perspective because it's been a while since I last made one.
Also because today is my 23rd birthday XD!
Well, on the 5th of December actually but I couldn't post it yesterday because of all the preparations that my family made.
So belated happy birthday to me! :)
Anyway, I hope you lot are doing fine and stay safe always! (Oh yeah I updated my other alt ending fic. You know, the smut one! So check it out if you want!)
See you next week!