Grounded – part 1

My squad was seated when I arrived, having first gone to my quarters to send the information about Ilos to the Council. Kaidan's empty seat stood as a stark reminder of how important defeating Saren was. I was not the only one struggling with the Lieutenant's absence as I noticed that Ashley could barely bare to take her eyes off of the chair. The fact that I was still suited up in my armour that bore the scars of our battle did not help.

"Liara has found out where we need to go; the location of the Conduit. It's on a planet called Ilos," I explained.

"That is why Saren needed the coordinates of the Mu Relay," Liara added, "it is the only way to reach the system that Ilos resides in."

"Forget it," Tali said suddenly, "Ilos is deep in the Terminus Systems; the Alliance isn't welcome out there, and neither are Spectres."

"We should go back to the Citadel and get the Council to help," Garrus said, "maybe they could find a way to deal with this."

"The Normandy's stealth drive could get us there no problem," Wrex said.

"No," I argued grimly, "the stealth drive can only operate for a few hours at a time. We would need a few days in the Terminus Systems to reach the relay. We would be detected and possibly intercepted before we ever got there, sparking a major diplomatic incident. Saying that," I thought for a moment, "I'm not against chancing it."

"All I'm saying is that it couldn't hurt to have backup on this one, Commander," Garrus continued, "Saren'll likely have the rest of his Geth fleet and army defending Ilos."

Garrus was right; the Council could give us reinforcements, even a small task force for attacking Saren. When I had spoken to them, they sounded like they were prepared to take steps against him, I just needed to push them a little bit more and we could finally nail the bastard. I dismissed the crew and ordered Joker to take us back to the Citadel. Finally taking the time to clean myself up and perform some much-needed maintenance on my weapons and armour, I did whatever I could to prevent my mind turning back to Kaidan.

Any free moment would only bring back the memory of my friend's death, his life cut horribly short by the nuclear blast. Left to his fate by me; the one he looked to as his Commander and brother in arms. The thought of Kaidan's death was enough to drive me towards insanity, so without even attempting to sleep I got right back out there and did my rounds of the ship. However, the loss of Kaidan was on the minds of almost everyone. He had been a well-liked and respected member of the crew, kind to the enlisted men and women, reliable and honest almost to a fault. Most importantly though, he had been a friend to all. When I reached the hanger I saw Ashley at the armoury, standing at her computer with a slight hunch.

I placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and she turned around to see me. She had been in a call to someone when I had interrupted her,

"Sorry Ashley, I'll come back later."

"No, it's ok Commander. I was just finishing up anyway," she turned back to the dark-haired woman on her computer screen, "I'll talk to you later, mum. Take care."

"Bye Sweetie," Ashley's mother said back, "and remember that we're all here for you and we all love you. Keep doing us proud out there!"

The call ended and I said to Ashley,

"Your mum doesn't know… specifics, does she?"

Ashley smiled a little and shook her head,

"Don't worry Sir, I'm not giving her day-to-day reports on your secret Spectre missions."

It was good to laugh, given everything that had happened, but I knew that Ashley was just putting on a strong front,

"Are you ok Ashley? I know that you and Kaidan were… growing close."

"I've lost friends before, Sir. Comes with being a Marine," she drew a deep breath, "but… Kaidan was special."

"Yeah," I agreed entirely, "he was a good man, and a dear friend. He really liked you. But I'm guessing he told you that."

"Yeah, he told me on Virmire, but I knew before that," she had a knowledgeable smile on her face, "it was written all over his face."

Chuckling at the fond memories of my friend that came flooding back, Ashley and I spent a good while talking about Kaidan. The stories about how Kaidan was always the nervous one around women on nights out made her smile and laugh, cringe at some of the chat-up lines I had heard him try when he was more than a bit drunk. The chat was good for both of us; remembering the good times instead of focusing solely on Kaidan's heroic but untimely passing. However, after the hilarity and spirit-lifting, Ashley had one final question for me,

"Commander. If you don't mind me asking; how do you deal with losing people under your command? You saw hundreds die on Elysium. Then there was Corporal Jenkins on Eden Prime, then… Kaidan…"

"And more in between," I told her. "I vowed to do better; for them. I learn from the mistakes, and I promise myself that I will always strive to do better for the men and women I've lost. And that's exactly what we're going to do for Kaidan; we'll make Saren pay."

"Damn right we will, Sir!" Ashley agreed.

With Ashley's mind in a slightly better place, I went to the engineering department to see the one person who I wanted most in the galaxy. Tali was not at her usual console, so when I arrived and stood to look around, she was able to sneak up on me,

"Scott, are you ok?"

I turned to look into those glittering eyes that shone out at me from behind the mask,

"I'm better now," I said. It was no secret on the Normandy that Tali and I were together, everyone had seen us on Virmire. However, flaunting our relationship in front of everyone was bound to make some uncomfortable or even resentful.

"I've just been making sure that everyone's alright. It was a rough mission down there."

Tali took my hand and led me to a corner, out of sight of the engineers,

"And who's making sure that you're alright?"

I shook my head,

"It's my job to keep everyone else happy, not the other way around Tali."

"Don't be ridiculous," the young Quarian said, "I… I saw your face when the bomb went off. I saw how you felt when Kaidan told you to leave him. He was your closest friend, Scott."

The pain of losing him welled up in my chest, but I held it together and placed a gentle hand on the side of Tali's helmet,

"I… I have to stay strong for everyone else. When this is all over and we've brought Saren down, I'll mourn Kaidan then."

I ran my hand down the side of Tali's helmet to her shoulder, feeling the silky-smooth suit under my palm,

"So how are you after Virmire?"

"I thought that if I even came out of that battle I would never recover. But," she looked at me, "seeing you, Kaidan and Wrex fighting as if you were born to do it… It was inspiring."

"You handled yourself like a regular Marine down there," I smiled at her, "Tackling that Geth with the Omni blade was pretty impressive."

"Well, I couldn't have you boys claiming all the kills, had to get some kills for the girls," she said cheekily, "all this soldier stuff isn't so hard once you get used to it."

I laughed,

"Is that so?"

"Yeah," she giggled, "another mission like that and I'll be as good as you."

"I never want another mission like that again in my life," I said, possibly a little harsher than I had intended. Fortunately, Tali knew that I was hurting and forgave the outburst,

"You need to take some down time as well, Commander. We still have The Two Towers to watch."

At that moment Tali's idea was the greatest thing I had ever heard,

"Hopefully we'll get to the Citadel as quickly as possible but… you're right. I need to take my mind off things. I'll finish my rounds and meet you in my cabin?"

"I'll be there," Tali's sweet voice replied.

Watching the second movie in the Lord of the Rings trilogy with Tali proved to be even more interesting and funny than the first. She loved the Rohirrim, the great Riders of Rohan; I laughed when she asked me if horses were just fantasy creatures. When I told her that they were real she asked me if I could take her to Earth to see one when we had the time. The Battle for Helms Deep had her shaking with excitement, and just like me she loved the notion of the immortal Elves coming to the aid of the Men, in honour of the ancient alliances that existed in Middle-Earth so long ago. That they were willing to turn down the chance of never-ending bliss in the Undying Lands to sacrifice their lives fighting the forces of evil was an extremely potent gesture.

Something about all the good forces of the world gathering together to fight the common enemy resonated with me as I saw the parallel with my own war against the Reapers. Spending my free time with Tali, the pure-hearted Quarian that was so full of life and energy that she could rejuvenate me no matter how down I felt, was like being in Heaven. I made sure she knew how much I appreciated her,

"Thanks Tali, I really needed that. It's been a long time since I… well, since I've made time for relationships. Haven't had a girlfriend since before Elysium."

Tali rolled over to face me and grazed her fingers against my cheek,

"Has that changed?"

"Well… maybe," I teased, "there is this one girl, a Quarian actually, that's um… pretty amazing!"

"Sounds like you really like her," Tali mocked. I broke character and pulled her closer to me,

"I want you Tali. I've never felt this way about anyone before."

I could tell that Tali was smiling behind her helmet, but when she hesitated I felt a shot of fear fire through me. Tali began slowly,

"I feel the same way, Scott. Believe me I do. Ever since you first saved me in the Wards I've been… fascinated by you. But I feel like I'm being selfish."

"Selfish? That's the last word I'd ever use for you. What's this about Tali? I thought we both wanted this."

"I do want this Scott," the sincerity in her voice was absolute, "but you deserve to be with someone else; someone who you can truly be happy with."

"And why can't that be you, Tali?"

"You're the first man I've ever kissed, and I've been filled with a fever ever since. We could be together, but I'm scared it would not be real for you; everything would be happening outside the suit. I don't want that; I want to feel you with my own hands, my own skin. But…"

"Are you saying that you could die if we were together?"

Tali did not need to say anything, a sad nod gave me my answer. I took her hands in mine and looked straight at her,

"Tali, listen to me. I will wait as long as it takes for us to be together; I don't want anyone else. You're the only one for me."

"There… are ways…" she started, "let me do some research. If you're willing to be patient, I'll find a way! Believe me…. I've got plenty of motivation."

"Well you better do your research quickly Miss Zorah," I smiled at her, tickling her gently on her sides, "Captain's orders."

Amidst her giggling she said,

"Stop it; you know I'm ticklish. I'll find out what I can do as soon as I can."

She moved as if to get off the bed and leave, but I held her back gently,

"Where are you going?"

"You know," she said, "to… research stuff."

"You don't have to start tonight," I held her softly, "what if you stayed here… with me?"

"I'd love that," Tali said, her voice like music to my ears.

We spent the night in each other's arms; in undisputed bliss. For that night I felt a rare sense of normality again; just a boyfriend and girlfriend sleeping the night away; no Saren or Geth. No Reapers. When I had to get up the next morning for my duties, I let Tali stay in my room in peace and comfort until duty came for her too. Despite the traumatic events of Virmire and the stress of the mission as a whole, I felt great. I spent the remainder of our journey to the Citadel with my crew, brightening their moods and giving them their edge back. Seeing the men and women who were serving under me smile and laugh again showed me just how important it was for me to keep my own anguish at Kaidan's death beneath the surface. My crew and squad-mates needed to believe in me. By the time the great form of the Citadel came into view again the Normandy was buzzing with the same positive energy and enthusiasm as it had been after our saving the colony on Feros.

Joker brought the Normandy to a halt at our allocated dock and the clamps took a hold of the ship. Then came the clunk as the walkway connected to the outer hull. A maintenance team came aboard to give the hard-worked vessel a good check for wear and tear, restock medical, utility, food and water supplies along with ammunition; something that we had used a great deal of. For those members of my crew that did not go straight to their beds it was a chance to grab a few hours ashore and get a welcome change of scenery.

We bid farewell to Captain Kirrihe and his soldiers, wishing them luck in the future. I overheard a couple of the younger men of my crew say that they were going to pay a visit to the Asari "Consorts" for a bit of fun. As long as they were back on the Normandy when I needed them, I was more than happy to let them blow off some steam in whichever fashion they desired. As for me and my squad; we were headed straight to Ambassador Udina's office to meet with him before we went to meet with the Council. Hope was building within me. If the Council could be convinced to deal with Saren immediately and with lethal force before he found the Conduit, the galaxy would be saved from the fatal plague that the Reapers would no doubt prove to be. And Kaidan will not have died in vain.

When we met with Udina he was already waiting by the transport that would take us to the Council Chamber. He made a brief and uncaring show of welcoming us before urging us to get in the skycar as quickly as we could,

"It's not in your best interests to keep the Council waiting," he muttered to me. Soon enough Garrus, Wrex, Tali, Ashley, Liara and I were standing with Udina before the three members of the Council, standing on their dais with a great, tall window behind them that looked out from the Council Tower to one of the arms of the Citadel.

"Commander Gardner," the Asari Councillor began, "you will be glad to know that we have deemed your threat assessment of Saren to be of the highest priority and we have prepared the Citadel Defence Fleet for any incoming attack. Patrols have been posted at each of the connecting Mass Relays in Council Space. If Saren attacks, we will be ready for him."

I suddenly felt quite deflated,

"What? You're just blockading him from the Citadel? What about Ilos? What about the Reapers?"

"We believe that Saren is simply using these "Reapers" to play with your mind, Commander," the Turian said, "and as for Ilos; the Mu Relay is deep in the Terminus Systems. If we sent a fleet in after Saren the Terminus Systems would see it as a provocation and that could only lead to full-scale war. We will not risk such a thing."

Ambassador Udina turned to me and spoke in a low drone to me,

"Humanity has made great gains thanks to you Gardner. But now you are starting to become more trouble than you are worth. Whatever Saren is planning; he will not get past our fleets. Until further notice you and the Normandy are grounded."

I looked at the man, this weasel of a politician, hate burning in my eyes. Ashley could barely contain herself,

"You bastard! You're selling us out!"

"After everything I've done, for you and the Council, this is what I get?" I growled. I turned back to the Council, determined to make one last effort to make them hear the truth,

"Saren is on Ilos right now searching for the Conduit. If he finds it, the Reapers will return. There are monsters out there in the darkness of space and they have us in their sights. Ignore this... and you will have condemned every living being in the galaxy to death. If you won't send a fleet then just send me in the Normandy. I will be discreet…"

"You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire," the Turian came back, "not what I would call discreet."

"There is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that these Reapers are even real," the Salarian said calmly, "why have we never found any trace of their existence? Where have they been since the Prothean extinction fifty thousand years ago?"

"There's a Reaper at the head of a Geth fleet right now," Garrus yelled, his fury starting to get the better of him.

"Sovereign is little more than a Geth dreadnought. They are capable of remarkable technological advancements. This "Sovereign" can be destroyed just like any other ship," the Turian Councillor stated. The Asari then straightened herself up and, with finality, stated,

"This meeting is adjourned."

As the Councillors strolled off of their high spot and Udina whisked himself away I was left standing with my team, utterly spent of all energy and ready to collapse in a miserable heap. To have fought so hard for everything that we had discovered just to tell it to deaf ears was heart-breaking. I clenched my fists and quickly told my team to head back to the Normandy, if we could still get away, then we would get ourselves to Ilos whether the Council allowed us or not. However, when we all arrived back aboard, I saw that we were too late; the Normandy's systems were locked down and disabled. It was not a case of getting Tali or Garrus to hack the lockdown and free us again, the ship was firmly in the hands of C-Sec and the Council.

When it was clear that there was nothing that we could do, I turned to my team, my friends, my brothers and sisters,

"I'll think of something, but I don't want this time to go to waste either. For the time being you're all on shore leave. If we do manage to get out of here then I need you all rested and switched on; I need you at your best. Go out for a meal, catch a vid in the theatre… do something normal. No drunkenness though, hopefully I can have us on the move again soon."

They were reluctant, but they heard the truth in what I had said and after sorting their possessions they departed the ship one by one to enjoy what rest and recuperation they could. I mounted my uniform on its stand and locked my weapons away securely in a heavy footlocker under the end of my bed. When I went to stand my knees suddenly buckled and all the pent-up rage and pain burst out of me. All the trials I had gone through to try and save the galaxy from certain destruction, the fact that Wrex and I had almost had to kill each other on Virmire, Kaidan perishing in the belief that his sacrifice was saving everyone and stopping Saren. None of it was fair. How could the Council just turn me away and do nothing after all that my team and I had achieved? After all that we had sacrificed?

I heard my room door open behind me and I stood up, trying to hide my moment of frailty. I felt Tali's hands come to rest on my shoulders,

"Hey, I was waiting for you but you were obviously taking your time."

"Yeah sorry," I said, "just had to… have some lone time."

"Oh, I'll leave if you want me to."

I turned to face Tali and ran my hands down to hers, holding them intimately,

"No, I'm always happy to see you."

"I'm sorry about what the Council and Udina have done to you; it's not right."

"You don't have to be sorry. I just hate feeling helpless. Saren is out there right now, getting closer and closer to bringing back the Reapers every minute, and I'm being forced to sit with my thumb up my arse by a bunch of blind politicians."

"You can't give up Scott!" Tali sounded worried.

"I'm not giving up Tali, I promise. I just… need to find a way to get back in the game, back in the fight."

"You will," Tali always made me feel far better, just her presence was enough to calm me down when things seemed to be at their worst. "We all believe in you Commander."

She drew in close to me again, the way she had on Virmire before our first kiss,

"Close your eyes," she said. She went to remove her helmet, but I took her hand and stopped her,

"No."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I want to see you Tali, when you're ready for that to happen. I want to see the face of the Quarian I'm…falling for."

Tali seemed stunned, staring up at me with wide, excited eyes. She let out a sharp, elated breath as she realised that I was in this relationship for real, and that she meant more to me than perhaps she had even realised.

"Really?" she said happily, "I've felt that way for ages, and I knew you liked me but not that…" she paused and cocked her head a little, "not that you were the "commitment" type."

I laughed out loud,

"I thought I'd maybe shown that I can commit to a cause, if it's important enough. C'mon, let's head out. Spending some time doing regular things might clear my head. Why don't we go somewhere for a bite to eat? My treat."

"Such a gentleman," she teased.

"Then maybe we can figure out how we're going to win this fight!"