P.I.S.S.O.F.F.

ch 13

Isdh

121

Lord Greengrass shuffled in, just as the sun was cresting over the Eastren Green-houses, spilling golden honey light across the breakfast nook. His beautiful wife was already at the table, sipping her tea, as she planned her day. Both the Lord and Lady were in their sleep-wear with a muggle bathrobe and house slippers. Main difference, he looked like a middle class laborer, with a two-day beard growth and bed head. She on the other hand looked like she was half way through a spay-day.

"Morning Beloved." He slumped into his chair.

"Blessed Be, Husband." She passed him a scroll. "Hurry up, and begin your day. Your Daughter has been busy. Your first piece of business is to collect little 'Tori, Family Reasons. Bring her Home. I will send an elf around noon for her things. Then over an early dinner you will explain how you beat dear Luci at his own game." her smile was both victorious and poisonous.

He read the scroll.

Mother,

Congratulate Father. When Lord Malfoy levered him into the Contract in my Name, He did so as an Agent of Black. Not Regent nor Steward, and in no way possible as Lord.

Just the other day, Heir Black Came of Age, and Lord Black, though he never claimed the Ring, sidestepped the whole thing. Now Heir Black is Lord Black, and my Contract with him has been picked up.

Lord Black has changed a few lines. 1/Nothing happens until our sixth year, when Lord Black asks for us to start courting. 2/ Father has until my Eighteenth birthday to pay back the Loan, and Void the Contract.

'Tori' gets a chance to voice her thoughts.

Lord Potter is Now in Play.

Vipers, freshly fanged, have no control of their venom.

I have made arrangements to get closer to Black & Potter, and am taking Tracy with me. While I could wiggle a place for our little chick, Mother would be better to teach her how to… snake charm.

The Lords are being watched a little too closely by the Old Goat.

Any and All Questions are to be Directed to Headmaster Black, Lord Black and Lord Potter's advisor.

Love D.

"Thought I had two more years before worrying about this." Cyrus reread the note… "I was hoping that Heir Potter would stiff us, and I could sue his estate for the price of the skip plus extra. You Have Trained My Daughter well. She has Moved herself closer to her suitors, while bidding us to remove Our youngest from the Viper's den, who have no idea the Damage their fangs and venom can do… to their prey and themselves."

"Glad you approve, Dear." Simone smiled, "Should we remove Astoria, or let her try to swim this one herself?"

"Normally, I would throw your little bitch of a viper into the deep end and see what she can do, but Daphne has asked us to remove her." He sipped his tea, as the Elves popped breakfast onto the table before them. "She did so for three reasons. One, to get Astoria out from under foot. This both removes her from the field in case of crossfire, or as a witness. Two, 'Tori can not be used as leverage against her, either as a shield or as an avenue of attack and revenge. And third, it removes all chances of your daughter betraying her, of her own free will or otherwise."

"You really think Astoria would turn her wand on her sister?" the Lady of the Manor was shocked.

"Yes. If it meant the difference between being a Lady of a House like Potter or Black, and a brood mare to a House like Nott."

"Well, when you put it like that…"

121

As Potter Institute gathered in the Great Hall for breakfast, they sat at the door side of the Gryffindor table, leaving the Hufflepuffs the only House not Hosting a foreign School, but each table Was seating a Champion. Many of the House members blended with their guest Schools.

Malfoy was chatting up Viktor Krum, who was looking a bit annoyed.

The only member of the scarlet and gold eating was Ron. (remember, everybody else got PISSED over new brooms for the quidditch team.)

Susan and Hannah watched the dark haired wizard from the safety of the Yellow and Black, while they awaited Aunt Amy.

Outside the Great Hall, there arose such a ruckus. Inswept the Minister Fudge, followed close by his ontarge; six aurors loyal to him over Bones. Looking about frantically, he spotted Harry Potter. With a snap of his fingers and a point, two of the men in red robes grabbed the young wizard and drug him to the Minister's side.

A Prophet reading;

LORD POTTER-BLACK ATTACKED BY MINISTRY SPOKESWITCH

FUDGE FACES INQUIRY , PLEADS INNOCENCE

'IT WAS ALL UMBRIDGE!'

… was slung before him, as Fudge draped an arm about his shoulders. Bozo was quick to step in, camra glued to his eye, and snapped a picture.

Then things went sideways...

121

Minerva McGonagall was leading Director Bones to the Great Hall, where Headmaster Black was rumored to be. The Doors were open as the Minister and his Cabal had just entered the Great Hall. Both Witches quickened their stepps to appear at the rear of the Auror squad pack just as Harry, in his white open front robe, was grabbed and hauled before the Minister for Magic.

The Minister Posed with the Lad for a picture, a flash… and Fudge was Slammed face first into the ground by the hand he was gripping Lord Potter-Black's with. To make matters worse, the camera caught it all. Headmaster Stood, and strolled over to peer down at the wizard sprawled at the feet of his god-son and Lord.

Six wands were pointing at him, from the Minister's bodyguards. "Release the Minister. Fall to your knees, and lace your fingers behind your head!" one Auror commanded, showing a widow's peak.

"Dawlish." Bones spoke from the Doors, "Just what do you think you are doing?" She could Feel Tonks and Hammer shift to the sides, to free up room should she need to call on wand fire.

"Director Bones, This Upstart just assaulted the Minister!" Dawlish growled.

Black looped an arm about the shorter man's shoulders, "That 'Upstart' is the Lord Potter-Black. And from where I was sitting, you and you comrades, at the Minister's orders, assaulted him. Assistant Headmaster Lupin, could you give us your read on the subject?"

"Of Course, HeadMaster Black." the soft spoken werewolf lifted his head, standing between two aurors pointing their wands at his cub. "Unfortunately for these boys, I saw the same thing as you, and in defence of my students, I fear I lost my temper." He Bowed his head to Director Bones.

"Dawlish. Please look around you." Bones crossed her arms. "How many wands are in play right now?"

Dawlish peered about, seeing every white robe student other than Potter had their wand trained on the six red robes surrounding Harry.

Harry snorted. "Wow. Are you guys outnumbered. And the lucky ones are the two flanked by Professor Lupin. They got their asses handed to them by a werewolf. Keep your wands on me, or put them away. Those targeted by the twins will have a bad day. Lee is their wingman so…" He smiled at the girls, "Now it is the Witches that scare me. Luna does not always stay in our reality, and Hermone knows more spells than Albus."

Six wands hit the stones. Bones snapped her fingers, and they all flew to her hand. "Gentlemen, Return to the office, I will be keeping the Minister company for the rest of his trip." the six Aurors bobbed their heads and bolted from the Hall. "Mr Bozo. I do believe you have a deadline." the Reporter scuttled, having taken several snapshots from many angles covering the standoff. "Lord Potter, Would you kindly release Fudge's arm, and remove your foot from his neck."

"As you request, Regent Bones." And he did. "I know we have a Lunch, but I thought we weren't meeting until closer to noon?" He straightened his school robes.

"Yes. But I need to talk with my Ward, and Heiress Abbot about a few other matters beforehand." The fading strawberry blond crossed her arms. "Fudge will either be nursing his wounds with Headmaster Dumbledor, or returning to the Office."

The Minister picked himself up off the floor. "Lord Potter-Black… What was that...that all about?"

"Had you asked politely, I would have joined you for the Photo op." Harry resettled his robes. "Only witches are allowed to rough handle me, and I take it that I am allowed to rough handle them back. If you want to try again after Lunch, you are welcome."

"Yes please." The Portly wizard in a black with lime green pinstripes grabbed his bowler hat and waddled off to gladhand with the Headmasters.

Sirius looked about, "Okay P.I. people. We are going to the small courtyard. Amy, I will see you at lunch. Headmistress Minnie, If you have an open period, please join us. I can only show them our way, and another set of eyes and wand would be a blessing." He Flicked his stole over his shoulder like a scarf, "Walk this way!" He led the way out with a 'Fabulish swish' in his step.

Harry exchanged looks with Lee and the twins, before throwing his tie over his shoulder, and mimicking his Godfather out of the Hall. Of course the twins conjured stoles, for themselves before following.

Lee took it a step further, and conjured a short cape in bright purple, slinging over his shoulder. "Can I Pull this off, or does it just scream, 'Gay Superhero'?" and he flounced from the Hall.

Lupin facepalmed, as did the two witches in white. Lupin looked at McGonagall. "Tea at Four? I will bring the Scotch?"

"I have the Glasses." the prim and proper witch had returned.

"And who is bringing the Tea?" Luna asked, as Hermione led her out.

"They aren't drinking Tea, Luna." came the older witch's voice.

"Then what are you to dunk the biscuits in?"

"No biscuits either."

"Then why call it tea?"

"It's not proper to ask people if they want to go drinking during the day." the muggleborn spoke clearly, her voice carrying back to the hall.

"How do you know all this?"

"My grandmothers took me to Tea once or twice, and they had to order real tea in addition to their usual."

Susan cleared her throat from beside the Headmistress, "So that explains the sign hanging on the teacher's lounge after classes most weekdays."

Hannah smirked, "And I quote; 'Do No Disturb. Tea for Teachers only.' end quote."

McGonagall sniffed, pulled her shawl about her, "Yes. Amelia, you know the way, take the girls and begone. Some of us have a busy day." and in huff, she strode to the High Table.

121

In the small courtyard, the White Robed students sat around the shaggy Headmaster. "Now, you all know about Lupin's furry little issue, correct?"

"Furry Problem?" Luna asked with a frown.

"What," Lee joked, "Does he have a misbehaving niffler?"

Remus snorted, as Black grinned. "Alice, Neville's Mother asked if he had a rabbit, when we told them about it." the Dog-wizard grinned. "No, I am referring to Moony."

"Moony!" the Twins surged to their feet. "Messers, Prongs, Padfoot, Wormtail, and Moony?!"

All the wizards went still. Luna cocked her head as she watched the byplay. Hermione just rolled her eyes, "boys!"

Black licked his lips, and with a dead innocent look on his face, "I can Solemnly Swear I have no idea what you are talking about. I would never be up to no good. You can ask Harry's Father about that." A brief nod of his head, "Now that that Mischief is Managed, we can get down to our lesson. No, I was referring to Asst. Headmaster Lupin's monthly affliction. Potter put the Clues together in our Third year, and we were pissed at Lupin."

"Because he gets Hairy and chews on the furniture once a month?" Lee asked.

"I never chewed on any furniture." Lupin growled.

"There's your problem!" Luna bubbled, "You're not getting enough fiber in your diet!"

Everyone looked at the blonde, then moved on.

"Now, Most Wizards would have been angry that Lupin was hiding that he was a Dark Creature. Not James. He was pissed that our friend was suffering through this pain, alone. So he had a plan. A way for us to help our friend on those nights when no man could stand by Remus." He smiled at the group, before blurring into a black dog.

"No Way!" the twins chorused. "Wicked."

"Now James was in a hurry." Black was once again human. "We did not have time to go the whole 'Leaf and Potion' route. It forces you to hold a Mandrake leaf on the roof of your mouth for a month. You lose your leaf, you have to start over. Then you brew a potion using said leaf, on the day before a full or new moon. That night you drink your potion, and for ten minutes, you are your animagus. You then learn to self-transfigure yourself into and out of that form."

"When done Properly, the whole process can take anywhere from six to eighteen months." Lupin took up the tale. "Potter, much like his son, would not, could not wait that long. Instead he went to the smartest witch he knew. Lily Evans. He brought her the books that he had on the subject. He needed three doses of a potion that cut out the wait time." He smiled as he peered back in time. "A week later she passed a note and three vails to Potter at Lunch. She warned him that it was untested. But Potter believed in her…"

"We found an unused classroom." Black took up the story. "We did not tell Remus what was going on. Hell, Peter and I had no idea what the potions did, just that they would help our friend. Merlyn were we surprised when Potter downed his potion. Nothing happened for like a minute. He thought that Lily had slipped him a dud. Then the pain in his gut hit. He twisted into a ball on the floor, spasming. A minute later it stopped, and when he stood up, He was a Buck."

[Expecto Patronum]

'Prongs' jumped from Harry's wand and pranced around the group. "Yes, just like that. James took about two minutes to find his legs, and was prancing about, tossing his head and smaller rack about, then he collapsed in a mote of golden sparkles. We were pleased with the results, and spoke of the trouble we could get into as bucks… and in a rush, Peter popped his vial, and downed his sludge. After twisting in pain, a brown garden rat stood on its hind legs squeaking at us. I lost it and fell over laughing at the prank pulled on Peter. But No, Potter just smiled, and explained to us all when Peter was back, just how useful a Rat could be. He could go places we could not, see things we would miss, and was the perfect lookout."

Sirius rubbed his hands together, "Then it was my turn. The sludge was nasty. Tasted like a soured cross of moss, grape soda, and dill pickle brine." he made a face, "the pain was like a burning ulcer in the pit of your guts. But even knowing this now, I still would swallow it again. I spent ten minutes as a dog, and my life has only been better for it."

"I was saddened that my three friends did not brew me a potion as well." Lupin spoke quietly. "Then they told me why they had them brewed in the first place. On those nights where we were doing things not on a full moon, we needed a human that could run with a Hart and a Grimm. Then we were out of Hogwarts, and the Dark Lord…" the old wolf drifted away.

Black watched his friend for a minute, before deciding to distract everyone. "James was a 'Good Ole Boy', and only had mean thoughts about one person. Snape. When he had asked Evans for help, she in turn, asked Snape. It turns out the Potion they brewed produces six doses. They turned one into ole Slughorn for school credit, each took a dose for themselves, and our three. Lily had taken hers in her dorm room. Snape had used an empty classroom as well. We did not know this until about six months after Harry was born, when James and I returned to his house and saw a Vulture take flight from the house. We ran into the House and saw an Ocelot curled around the baby, giving him a tongue bath. Once the tike was asleep, Lily returned to her human form, and explained everything. Snape visited every now and then, and had sworn on his life and magic to never betray Lily. and to our knowledge, he never has."

"So why does he…" Harry began.

"Because your Father and I were little toerags to the Pillock, and he had years to practice holding a grudge. Understand that he gave as good as took, but we started it. Not something I am proud of." he bowed his head

"And you look just like your Father, you only see the eyes when you look closely."

"A Potion Mistress we trust brewed this for us." Lupin set a wooden box on the bench beside him. A tap of his wand, and the lid unlocked and opened to reveal six vials of silver sludge. "You have been warned. Taking this … potion, will cause pain, tastes nasty, and …"

The twins, Lee, and Harry each had grabbed a vial.

The Witches looked at each other, before slowly picking up a vial.

The Sixth years did a quick game of paper-scissors-rock, with Lee winning.

Lee popped the corked, and slammed the vile syrup like a pro of trying prank potions. "That was Vile!" before grabbing his middle. He fell to the ground, before blurring into a black hairy ball. It slowly stood on its hind legs as it unfolded to it's full height of 16 inches.

"Niffler!" Hermione cried. "But the process does not allow for magic animals!"

"This one does." Lupin smiled as the twins and Luna fussed over Lee. "Black is not a dog, but a Grim. Potter was not just a stag, but Hart.

Suddenly Lee made some loud squeaking noises, as he rolled into a ball, before returning to his human form. Lee was helped to a bench across the circle from the rest of the class. Black had a funny smile on his face, before he flicked a shiny sickle passed the Lad's head, the boy snapped about, snagging it from the air, faster than Harry after the snitch.

"You will also need to learn to curb that reflex." Lupin smiled kindly at the lad, before turning back to the group. "Who's next?"

One of the twins stepped up.

"Before you go." Lupin raised a hand. "Which one are you? For the paperwork."

The twins shared a look, before shrugging. "Fred." and the vial was emptied.

A 'grey' fox sat in the circle, looking about. Then it fanned it's tails. Two of them.

Luna squatted to scratch between the black tipped ears, "A Kitsune. Japanese Fox. Trouble makers. The number of tails tells you the age and power of the creature."

Fred yipped, before he curled into a ball. As he returned to his human form, he could not wipe the grin off his face. "Best Prank Ever!" He settled by Lee as his brother took center stage.

George down the syrup … and a 'red' fox unfolded. With two tails. He turned and jumped into his brother's lap.

As George slowly returned to normal, Hermione frowned. "They are the same, yet different. Both Kitsune, but one is a red fox, the other is a grey." She spoke slowly, softly. " And what I remember of Kitsune stories, they are masters of illusion. So their game of 'who am I' just got more… and pun intended, Serious."

"Mother Meave!" Everyone turned to look as McGonagall stepped out of the shadows. "Potter, I am hoping you finish building your School. I do not want them here, if they are taking their art to the next level."

The twins pouted, as Black preened. He caught the Pun.

Luna was next. A rabbit. A jackrabbit. An American Jackrabbit… until Harry scratched her head and found the antlers.

Hermione raised her vial, ready to next… when it jumped from her hand…

tbc