Chapter 27: Useless

K-R

"Rahim, you can tell them what you're going through - you know that, right?"

They don't need to know.

"For f*ck's sake, are you hearing yourself?! You need help, Rahim!"

Well, maybe I don't deserve it! Libby deserves a better friend than me. I'm not ruining her anymore than I already have, and don't you dare bring Jade into this. We both know that I'm not what she needs me to be.

"Well, what do you think she needs you to be?"

Not a f*cking problem, that's what!

"You're not a problem, Rahim! Listen, you're one of the kindest guys I've ever met and I don't regret coming over to sit with you when I did. Libby would agree with me as well, just ask her,"

I wish I could believe you.

"Please try, at least... at least once. Do you really want her and everyone else who care about you to have your pain too?"

No...!

"Then talk to them. It's never too late to get help and whilst life may feel sh*tty right now, I promise it will get better,"

Nice try, but I doubt it.

"Please listen to me! I don't want you to d—"

"Rahim, are you okay?"

Her voice faded away and I found myself snapping out of the depressed trance I had suddenly entered to see Kyle, Henry and Libby all staring at me worriedly, the latter having paused her new game which she was already a pro at. I don't think she even needs my help. Good thing too.

"Course," I answered cheerfully, forcing a brave smile on my face. "Sorry for zoning out, it's some sort of habit,"

"You don't have to apologise, Rahim," Henry told me kindly. "It's perfectly fine, happens to everybody,"

"Yeah, you haven't done anything wrong, kid," Kyle put in, grinning. Pfft, tell my mind that.

"Thanks," I replied, solemnly making my decision before addressing my best friend. "Hey, Libby - I..."

"Yes?" She asked with concern.

I couldn't help but freeze for several seconds. Why? Because just when my head had won the battle, my heart had suddenly delivered another blow via: You can't do this to her, buddy. Libby was one of the few people who made a genuine effort to see the real me, instead of the Scorpion's adorable yet useless brother - from her and our mutual friend joining me in the college cafeteria to us sticking together after said friend died, she was always there for me.

As I already mentioned, I felt immensely guilty that I couldn't return the favour when Rais almost got his hands on her and Dawud almost killed her. I remember vowing to Mom that if Azra, Metin, Jade and I ever had a little sibling, I would look after them - and now that the little sibling was found in Libby, I... I failed every f*cking time!

And for that, the award of Worst Brother of the Year goes to...

"I, um," I struggled to find words for a split second. "I don't think I really want this game anymore, you can have it,"

Hearing this, Libby shot me a confused look. "Are you feeling okay, Rahim? I mean, that's really nice of you, but it's your copy. I wouldn't want to steal it,"

"I'm sure," I responded bravely. No, you're not! Talk to her! "Take it,"

"O-Okay, okay, thanks," My little sister smiled warmly, shortly gesturing to the currently paused first mission. "Shall we get back to it?"

"You guys go on ahead," I answered, pulling myself up to my feet and making my way towards my bedroom's door. "I've got something I need to take care of,"

"Do you need a hand at all?" Henry questioned. "Because we'd be happy to help out if you need it, all you have to do is tell us,"

This earned eager yet genuine looks of agreement from Kyle and Libby, and... and by this point, my heart was screaming at me to open up! But... "Thanks, but I'll be fine. I'll... I'll see you guys around,"

With that, I left them to it and practically forced myself to hold back tears as I walked back downstairs and past the HQ where my sister and Brecken were still chatting in, suddenly freezing in my tracks. Oh f*ck! I... I... I don't know if I can do this! I knew that my heart was winning by this point, but my head was still charging up another super move because of the negative emotions bombarding me all at once; torture and disappointment with myself. The damage was unbearable, so much so that I couldn't help but wish that I could go back to the Pre Outbreak days and take the virus out! Therefore, Libby and I would still be with our families and our mutual friends wouldn't have died when they did!

But you wouldn't have met Kyle, Brecken and Henry, if events turned out like that! You still have them!

"Rahim?"

Brecken's concerned voice snapped me out of my frenzied trance and I stared at him with shame; glitched breathing, agony spreading and tears threatening to slip out, everything! I must have looked like a f*cking useless coward in that state...

"Brecken?!" I wheezed out with terror, struggling to hold my cries back and failing miserably. F******ck!

"What's the matter, buddy?" The Tower's leader asked kindly, placing a hand on my shoulder - which I uncharacteristically didn't pry off, much to my inital surprise. Just let him in, Rahim. "Do you want me to get Libby?"

I found myself shakily nodding, prompting Brecken to gently wrap an arm around my shoulder and guide me into HQ. "Okay, let's get you settled and I'll call her. Take deep breaths, alright?"

I followed his instruction and after we emerged in the Tower's base of operations, he assisted me with sitting down at the table. Where the hell's Jade at? "Is there anything I can get for you, Rahim? Would you like some water?"

"No, no, thanks," I struggled to decline, violently trembling as silent sobs wracked my body.

"Okay, I'll just get Libby," Brecken responded in understanding, before fishing out his radio and switching it on. "Hi Libby, do you copy?"

Please, Lib! I could really use your help right now! PLEASE!

"Yeah, I copy," My sweet little sister's voice came through on the other end. "Everything okay, Brecken?"

"I... It doesn't look like it, kiddo," Our friend answered worriedly. "Could you come down here, please?"

"Yeah sure, I'm on my way,"

"Thanks, kid," The man replied appreciatively, switching his radio off and turning to reassure me. "Continue taking deep breaths, buddy. Libby will be here any time now and you can talk to her whenever you're ready, okay?"

Hearing this, I frantically nodded. "C-Can you stay and get Kyle and Henry down here, too? I-I t-t-think you all need to hear this!"

"Yes, of course," Brecken calmed me. "We're not going anywhere, don't worry,"

Turns out, he didn't need to call my bro and friend after all - because three pairs of footsteps rapidly descended the staircase outside and before I knew it, Libby sprinted into the headquarters with Kyle and Henry right on her tail. Oh, thank god you guys are here!

"Rahim?!" My little sister gasped worriedly, walking over to sit next to me - whilst the dudes flashed equally concerned glances. "Rahim, what's happened?"

"I... I-I-I—" I frantically choked out.

"Talk when you feel up to it, alright, mate?" Henry butted in gently, sensing how frightened I was.

After several deep breaths, I was ready. "I, um, I... I don't know how to tell you guys this, so... so I'm just going to spit it out," Sooner, the better. A nervous gulp. "I... Libby and I weren't the only kids around once, w-w-we-e-e h-h-had two friends and," The young girl and the Tower's leader both understood what I was referring to, straight away. "t-t-they they they, they got bit around the same time Amir died and they allowed Libby and I to escape," Guilt painted Kyle's face. "Since then, I... I-I-I-I wasn't allowed to protect her and I always felt useless, because I'm locked up here whilst you guys are risking getting yourselves killed out there. A-A-All I-I d-d-do is nothing and I can't play at being the worthless little brother who everyone makes a fuss off and whose life won't ever get better anymore!"

I couldn't hold my emotions back any longer and broke down in a f*cking mess, crying out: "I want to die!"

There I was, sobbing hysterically after I had driven the final nail in the coffin. "I had everything planned out last night and I was ready to blow up the volatile nest on my own, then kill myself in the trainyard! I realised I couldn't, because that meant I would be passing my pain onto all of you! I just want to be with my family and I want my friends back!"

After I spoke, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders ... but thanks to my anxiety, I couldn't bring myself to glance at the little sister, two brothers and nice enough acquaintance whom I felt that I didn't deserve and most of all, did disappoint. My self-loathing was strong enough to make me believe that I would have ruined the four of them and Jade...

But, that wasn't the case at all...

"I'm so sorry, Rahim!" Libby choked out tearfully before pulling me into her warm yet familiar embrace, which I returned without hesitation.

"Yeah, we all are," Kyle agreed sadly, reaching over to place a hand on my shoulder. "Truly,"

"I don't deserve you all, guys - I don't...!" I cried, overcome with sheer relief.

"Yes, you do," He shot back in a firm but calm manner. "You matter to so many people, man. You matter to Libby, Brecken, Henry, Jade, me; all of us here - don't ever doubt that for one second, alright?"

"Jade Aldemir hates me," I found myself remarking bitterly, unconvinced that she was on the list of people who genuinely cared.

Then, came a heartbroken voice I dreaded to hear. "No, I don't,"

Oh nononononono!

The five of us all turned to see a deeply upset Jade standing in the doorframe and staring at me with horror, which only made my self-loathing even worse. Time for me to stand up for myself.

"Are you here to tell me that you're disappointed in me, Scorpion?" I spat icily. "That I'll always be a useless child who you'll always let your fans make a fuss over? Are you?!"

Kyle, Brecken and Henry decided to take that as their cue to give us some privacy and Libby reluctantly followed suit, giving me a worried glance before she closed the door behind Jade, whom I was staring down with boiling hatred. Silence followed for several seconds. It was so thick that you could nearly hear a pin drop and the knowledge that my b*tch of a sister was struggling to find an answer didn't help. "Well?!"

"I could never hate you, Rahim," Jade reminded me gently, holding back tears. "I'm not disappointed in you either, and I never was. Why... Why didn't you tell me you were feeling like this?!"

"Because I know being fussed over would make you happy!" I screamed angrily.

"Well, it didn't!" My sister shouted back, walking towards me ... only for her heart to visibly shatter when I stepped back out of terror. Don't come near me, please! "I could tell that you weren't happy and the reason why I didn't say anything, is because I wanted you to come to me on your own terms! It was the same when our friends died last month and I should have put my own fears to one side, I know that now!" Her breathing had glitched and she broke down crying; her face now a picture of remorse and shame. "I'm so sorry that I made you feel so horrible!"

That was... That was pretty much all I wanted to hear. I was hoping for ages that there was a small voice yelling at Jade to apologise, and it finally happened. My heart gave a painful lurch when I noticed how deeply guilty my sister was. "Jade..."

"I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you and Libby too...!" She sobbed, furiously wiping her tears away. "I love you both so much. Don't let your mind tell you otherwise again - do you understand, Rahim?"

All I could do was nod shakily, despite allowing tears to slip out yet again. The woman gazed at me sympathetically, before hopefully asking: "Do you think... Do you think we can move past this?"

"I don't know if I can just yet," I answered sadly. "I'm sorry,"

"Hey, you don't have to apologise to me and everyone else," Jade reassured me kindly. "It's alright that you need time, I'm willing to respect that, and... I may not know how at the moment - considering the circumstances here - but one way or another, we're going to get you the help you need. It's going to be okay,"

Maybe... I'm not sure what to think, but... maybe, you're right.