"Some invite the pain
- Beckon the ears
The sorrow that fills your gut -
To feel something
Until you don't feel anything."

- Deadfloweraesthetic

The first thing that anyone should have noticed was how much class Maya was skipping. But the only class she still had with everyone was history, and they were spread out over the sea of desks now - and she sat in the back row, far from Farkle, Lucas, even Riley. She usually just put her head down and waited for the class to be over, anyways.

The second thing that anyone should have noticed was her clothing. Sure, Maya had never been one to show much skin. But when a girl is wearing a long sleeved shirt in 90 degree New York heat, it should be a warning sign.

The third thing that someone should have noticed was her simple apathy. She did her classwork; she did her homework. She ate, she slept. But it was like her passion - what she had been known for, her fire - had been extinguished.

But who would have noticed anyways?

Lucas and Zay had made the JV football team, and she had been happy for them.

Riley had made the cheerleading team, and she had been happy for her (and a little worried for her safety).

Farkle and Smackle took honors and AP classes and would probably graduate a year early, and she was happy for them.

It wasn't like there had been a falling out, or a huge blow up. Their group had just slowly drifted apart. Everyone was so busy with their classes and extracurriculars that there just wasn't much time to hang out all together. Maya had tried to keep up regular hangouts with Riley, at the very least, but it seemed that whenever she had showed up to her window, Riley was either at cheerleading practice, on a date with Lucas, or feverishly studying in the hopes that she could get her homework done in the limited amount of time she had. And it was fine with Maya; she was proud of Riley. But after a certain amount of times showing up to an empty bay window, she just stopped trying at all.

And so, slowly, she grew more and more isolated.

None of them were on bad terms; they smiled at each other when they passed in the halls, and when they saw each other after school - but it was all at a distance. Riley had her cheerleading team. Lucas and Zay had their football team. Smackle and Farkle were lost in their world of big words and study groups.

And after Maya's art club was disbanded (partially by her fault - she hadn't started the paint fight, but she did participate), she just… didn't have any solid friendships. No one that she talked to and hung out with on a regular basis. Of course she didn't blame any of them, they were just busy. It was natural for people to grow apart as they got older, change. But there were parts of her that missed being around people, as she watched Riley laughing with her cheerleading friends from across the courtyard. She always seemed so happy. She knew that if she went over there, struck up a conversation, maybe it would even be like the old times. She knew that Riley would include her in their conversations, and invite her to hang out with them, but it was the other girls that would see her as an outsider. An intruder.

And so Maya walked away, and headed for the train station to go home.

She would probably be on the same train - maybe even in the same car - as Riley, if they still went home at the same time. Since her mom and Shawn got married, found out they were pregnant, they had moved into a larger apartment - one that happened to be in the same building as the Matthews'. At the time, Riley and Maya had both been elated, and made plans to hang out in their bay windows and on the roof together. Those plans had fallen through, though. And now, since Riley always left school late, they barely saw each other.

Maya hesitated at the landing that the Matthews' floor was on as she climbed the stairs to her apartment. Just a few steps down a hallway, and she could pretend that she was fourteen again, showing up at 7am for breakfast with Riley and her family. But Riley wasn't even there right now. She swallowed, scratched her forearm through the fabric of her shirt, and continued up the two extra flights of stairs to her own floor, taking them two at a time.

"Maya, is that you?"

"Yeah," Maya called, as she shut the door behind her and her mom appeared in the entryway, her blonde hair frizzy around her head and eyes tired.

"Hannah's not going down for her nap," Katy explained, referring to Maya's 18 month old sister. "And I'm exhausted."

"I've got her," Maya smiled, a little mechanically (but her mom was too tired to notice).

"You're a lifesaver," Katy sighed, pulling Maya in for a hug. "I really just need an hour or so to refresh. If you can get her to sleep, that would be great, but if not, just hang out with her for an hour?"

"Don't worry Mom," Maya assured her. "Go take a nap, you need it."

"You're the best," Katy said again before disappearing back down the hallway to her bedroom.

Maya put down her bag and made a quick trip to the kitchen to grab an apple, biting into it to hold it in her mouth as she headed down the hallway to her little sister's room.

Hannah was in her crib, standing silently and holding onto the bars as her big blue eyes met with Maya's, entering the room.

"Hi," Maya cooed gently, heading over to the crib and lifting Hannah up into her arms. She glanced around at the nursery, looking for the elephant blanket that Hannah loved, and finding it in the crib. She bent down to pluck it from the mattress and wrapped it around Hannah. "You not tired?" She asked, and Hannah smiled.

"Ma," she said, her word for 'Maya', and reached out to grab Maya's nose.

"Okay," Maya laughed, pulling her fingers away and holding them in her hand as she carried Hannah out of the room. "Let's go hang out in the living room then."

It was easy to smile and laugh with a baby in your arms (at least, when she wasn't crying).

But when Maya found herself alone at night, reliving those years she had spent with friends, and with happiness… it just got to be too much.

So why did she do it?

Because she was lonely?

Because she needed to feel something?

Because she needed a distraction?

Maya stared down at the blade in her fingers, twirling it around and finding a clear space on her forearm to draw.

"Who cares?" She whispered to herself, wincing as she felt the sting of the blade and watched the beads of blood trail down the line. "It helps."

A/N: I first started reading fanfiction when I was fourteen and dealing with depression (and an eating disorder) for the first time, completely alone. Frankly, I read stories that were sad, enticing myself to cry. Now, I guess, I write the stories I wanted to read back then.

That said, I definitely read those stories to trigger myself, and it worked. So if you're someone vulnerable to triggers, please be careful and be safe if you choose to read this story, and please know that my PMs are always open to anyone who wants to talk. I'll always answer.

This story will be Maya-centric, but I haven't decided on a plot line or any pairings yet. Mostly I think it will be about Maya's struggle with depression and the addiction of self harming, and who finds out and how they deal with it.

Also, the poem from the beginning is from deadfloweraesthetic on instagram. They post some really beautiful poetry and I'd definitely recommend.

Kisses,

C

P.S.: I'm sorry if you were hoping for an Anecdoche or a Nodus Tollens update. I'm blocked on both :(