Hiya guys, I'm back with an update! I know I promised to be back to my old writing speed and I swear I've been writing every day but damn, that chapter was no easy ride.
My gorgeous beta and accomplice in crime in everything concerning the plot, NightsBlackRose13, has given their blessing, though, so here it is for your reading pleasure!
Warning: Unpleasant dreams and angst ahead. And, as the title says, it's part 1 one of a two-parter.
Chapter 8: When It All Goes Down Part 1
I wake up in my bed.
It's still dark and I can barely make out the shape of my hand as I hold it in front of my face. The digital alarm on my nightstand tells me it's 7.30 in the morning and I groan. I am usually a fairly early riser, but today, this feels entirely too early to be right.
I pull my blanket back over my head, but just as I'm about to make myself comfortable again, the door to my room swings open, letting in a sudden influx of glaring light.
"Liz, you awake?" a voice calls out tentatively.
"No" I mumble from underneath my blanket. "No, I'm deeply asleep, go away."
"Oh sorry" the voice answers. "Well, just wanted to tell you that I'm out now."
Despite everything, I have to smile. I let my head poke out from my blanket burrito and see him standing in the doorway, sporting a sheepish look and rubbing the back of his neck. My brother Link is a very tall boy who moves a bit awkward because the growth spurt hit him too fast and out of nowhere. He has black hair and features that greatly resemble mine as we have often been told, except that his skin has a darker tone. We used to joke that we were actually twins and explained our age gap of three years with him being late to his own birth, seeing as he has a habit of being late to literally everything.
Of course, his real name isn't Link. It's Lincoln, but we thought that nicknaming him after the dork with the green hat from the Zelda games was appropriate. At times, they even have the same lost puppy look to them.
"Ok, duly noted" I answer him. "Have a fun day."
Link grimaces at that. "Yeah, because having to write an exam is so much fun."
I cackle gleefully at that. Really, it doesn't take much for me to get into a ridiculously good mood when I'm talking to him.
"You know, exams don't stop when you get to university. They're just all piled up at the end of term and trust me, it's even less fun to prepare for all of them at once than just preparing for one in the middle of the school year."
"I know" Link sighs. "Anyway, gotta go now, I'm gonna be late as it is." He gives me a wave and disappears from my line of sight.
"When are you not late?" I holler after him and laugh loudly when a grumpy "Be quiet!" comes back.
I love my dorky little brother dearly. Even after he's managed to get me fully awake, the chance of getting a bit of more sleep floating away on a fluffy cloud of sweet and unfulfilled promises.
Sigh.
I get up and ready for the day, descending the stairs that lead to the entrance hall and meet my mom who is already up, too, because she never fails to make breakfast for us, no matter when we have to rise. After three and a half years of living in a dorm and fencing for myself, occasionally coming back for that kind of service is a luxury I gladly indulge in. My mom is the greatest person on Earth and I'll fight anyone on that.
She's currently putting laundry on the drying rack, her hair bound back in a tidy bun and every strand perfectly in place. They shimmer in a dark read tone near the roots, originating from the dye she puts in there to cover the fact that they've begun to turn gray.
"Morning, mom!" I chirp.
"Morning, Liz" she answers. She looks up from her work and gestures in the direction of the kitchen. "Breakfast is ready."
My "thank you" is stuck dead in my throat when I look into her eyes.
They're a bright crimson, three black commas swirling lazily in each orb.
A sudden pain stabs me right through my chest and – oh god I can't breathe – my knees suddenly go weak, leaving my legs unable to support the weight of my body. I'm falling, falling, through the stairs and the floor, swallowed up by a crack in the world that has opened right under my feet.
)()()(
I wake up in my bed, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. My chest hurts badly, as if someone has grabbed my heart with both hands and started squeezing.
And I know why. I remember the dream.
Not the details, but enough to know that something went horribly wrong, that my brain engineered something that is entirely impossible. Dread crawls up from my gut, bottomless and terrifyingly familiar, and I wrap my arms around my middle section. A whimper escapes my lips as I bend over and rest my forehead on my drawn-up knees.
I don't want it. Neither the dread nor the dream.
My desire to get rid of it burns with an intensity that rivals Amaterasu, one part of me screaming Shove it back! Destroy it! It never happened! while the other stubbornly clings to it. Find the meaning in it, it insists, find it, it's important!
I don't care. I don't want it.
What I want is to be out of this darkness, out of this room and to be with someone solid and real and not wrong to forget this whole nightmarish affair.
I want to see my family.
Which one? the annoyingly persistent part asks, but I push it into a steel-reinforced vault and lock its door. I didn't even know that my mind has these in stock, but I'm not going to question it right now because, frankly, I'm much too relieved about its existence.
The tatami mats on the ground are cold when my feet touch them and I make a detour for my closet, grabbing a pair of socks and putting them on before moving out into the hallway. There's light pouring out from underneath the shoji screen that leads into the living room and I can hear hushed voices. I inch closer.
"… said that she's physically alright" I can hear otou-san say. He sounds incredibly exhausted.
"Does he have any idea what it could be then? Another panic attack?" Okaa-chan's anxious voice asks. I think they're talking about me. I crouch down in front of the paper screen, my ear pressed tightly against it.
There's a muffled response that I can't make out clearly. Then a pause.
"What do we do now?" Okaa-chan sounds so lost. I think I've never heard her in so vulnerable a state and my chest clenches at the thought that I am responsible for that.
"There's always the possibility to call on the Yamanaka, I guess" otou-san suggests wearily.
I feel the bottom of my stomach drop.
No.
You can't do that. You can't. Please don't do that to me.
My hand is already at the frame of the shoji screen, just short of ripping it open when I hear the noise of a porcelain cup being forcefully placed upon the table top.
"No!" okaa-chan cries out enraged. My hand stills as does my breathing. "I will not hand my child over to those mind crawlers! She's an Uchiha, not a goddamn war criminal and I refuse to let them break into her and violate her mind!"
"It might be the only way, though" otou-san tiredly counters. "Don't think for a minute that I want to do this. But if this continues I'd rather see her be examined by one of them than let her go any further than she already is."
Go further than I already am?
"You didn't see her, Kiyomi. I … I didn't see the beginning, either, but I saw the end. She was on the ground, writhing and screaming and … it was – it was terrifying. She wouldn't calm down until I made her look into my eyes."
Oh.
I don't think I can take this anymore. I stand up, my legs wobbly and barely strong enough to carry my weight, and stumble down the hall, keeping close to the wall lest I should stumble and fall. My shoulders are shaking with silent sobs as I put one foot in front of the other, leading me past the shoji screen to my own room and into Obito's.
Obito won't judge me. Obito is safe.
As I climb into his crib and lay down beside him I see that his eyes are wide open. He's watching me with a curious, open expression, legs wiggling beneath his covers and one tiny fist halfway stuffed in his mouth. It makes me smile.
"Hey Obi" I greet him with a disgustingly shaky voice. "'Sup?"
He removes the fist from his mouth, instead reaching with both hands for my face. When his fingers connect with my cheek, he lets out a soft cooing noise. He pokes and prods lightly at me, making me giggle, and I lift my own hand to catch his. I'm surprised to feel moisture on both of them and I touch my face to see if there's anything on it. My fingertips come away wet, too.
It takes a moment until realization dawns. I must've been crying.
Obito coos again and I look back to his face, just in time to see a smile bloom across it. It's genuine, trusting and comforting in a way that I desperately need. What's even more important, though, is the assurance that it's entirely meant for me.
Right here, right now, it's the most beautiful and encouraging thing in the world.
)()()(
The next few weeks go by in a blur of recurring dreams by night and the careful attempt to keep it together by day.
Otou-san and okaa-chan treat me with extreme caution, worry etched deeply into lines on their faces that have only recently developed. They've apparently come to the conclusion that as long as my situation doesn't worsen they won't take any action. In reaction to that, I'm putting all my energy into maintaining the illusion of a stable status quo which in turn has led to the current situation in which our every interaction feels like we're walking on eggshells around each other. I've come to hate it with a fierce passion and I'm fairly sure they hate it, too, but we're all at a loss of what to do.
I'm not sure if it counts as a consolation when the tension bleeds into something habitual over time. I've read somewhere that latent chronic stress is not particularly healthy, but at the moment it makes it far easier to bear.
I can tell that they are especially afraid to bring up the incident at the Police Force, but that's at least something I can be glad about. It also makes things easier to manage.
What doesn't get easier to manage, though, are the dreams.
They happen every few nights. While I dream them, they're incredibly vivid and detailed, but as soon as I'm awake, they fade into nothing more than a feeling of profound dread deep in my gut, sometimes accompanied by that clenching pain in my chest. With every added dream, I feel myself getting sucked closer to a void, tendrils of darkness intertwining themselves with my very thoughts and emotions. They pull at me with a persistence that slowly but surely pushes me to my limit and the only thing that prevents me from simply giving in, that allows me to raise the energy for at least an ounce of resistance, is the existence of Obito.
He's the beacon of hope that sends a ray of light into my personal darkness, the lifeline I cling to with the desperation of a drowning man, my sanctuary. He's the one I think of when I slide back to my habit of stomping over any unease with the familiar concept of practice, improving my taijutsu in leaps and bounds and viciously attacking the walls of my room with chakra-infused feet.
And you know it's bad when your baby brother is the only reason why you're not going insane.
)()()(
While interactions within the four walls of our home float more or less in a state of stasis, the world around us – not so surprisingly –keeps moving on.
It's palpable in the rising tension in the air, conversations more hushed, mouths drawn tighter and eyes grimmer on the faces of the people. There are whispered rumors of discord among the village leaders which I translate for myself as disagreements between the Sandaime and Danzou, of a possible pre-emptive strike against Iwa and Suna on Ame territory and I think of three children who will soon taste the bitter pain of loss, one of them even by the hands of Konoha nin.
It's a sobering thought for me, who is sitting safely within the walls of one of the biggest Hidden Villages, and I realize that there're things out there that dwarf all of my petty little problems.
It's still not enough to make them go away, though.
Neither this nor the public announcement of the Hokage that it's time for Konoha to take action in the war on a sunny day at the beginning of November.
I stand with my family at the gates of the village when the first batch of Konoha shinobi prepares to march out towards Ame, bidding goodbye to the few Uchiha that are leaving with them. Among them are Takao-sama, the commander of this vanguard, his second son Fugaku and Tomomi, and I think of a smile seen just a couple of months before, fond in anticipation of a feast to honor 25 years of marriage.
Otou-san is standing with him, his partner in the Police Force since the day of his recruitment, their hands tightly clasped and eyes interlocked. Their faces are nigh unreadable but their lips moving, words murmured too softly for me to hear and then, without forewarning, Tomomi draws otou-san close for a hug that lasts long enough for him to relax in the embrace. The elder releases his hold and turns to give okaa-chan a lopsided grin and me a wave, before he steps to a middle-aged woman that has patiently waited her time. She, too, is enveloped in a hug, though longer and more tender.
And then time is up.
There's a signal and without further delay the shinobi leave.
They're gone so fast that, even after the last figures have left, the people staying behind don't move. I see dazed faces and wayward tears and I think – nothing.
My blank stare is mirrored by the middle-aged woman standing across from my family, her stance frozen in a mere half of a hug since that's all that one body alone can manage.
)()()(
It's thankfully on a more cheery note when I discover a few days later that Obito has started teething.
I can't wait for brilliant smiles and cheeky grins that will light up even the darkest shadows. I expect nothing more and nothing less.
)()()(
Applause roars up like the battle cries of a hundred lions as soon as the last tunes have left the strings of my violin. Calls of "Bravo!" cut through the sound of a sea of clapping hands and I'm getting drunk on euphoria. Adrenaline is racing through my veins, leaving me as high as a kite and practically glowing.
This is my reward.
Hundreds of hours of practicing, liters of ice-cream consumed in phases of total discouragement and half a dozen motivational speeches from my teacher later and I'm finally here, having successfully played my solo recital and so damn ready to receive my artist's diploma.
I totally owned it and it feels nothing short of amazing.
My blood is still boiling from my performance of Ravel's "Tzigane" when individuals start to separate themselves from the mass of people that made up my audience to congratulate me on my achievement.
The first one to come up to me and give me a crushing hug is my professor. He's bursting with pride which makes me incredibly happy, since he's the number one person who had to suffer through the various ups and downs of my artistic development in the last four years.
Behind him are mom, dad and Link. The latter one tackles me with a huge dorky grin and lifts me off my feet after making sure that my violin is safely put away.
"That was awesome, Liz!" he yells right into my ear.
Usually, that would have earned him a solid smack on the head and a rant on how our ears are our most precious assets, so be a bit more considerate, dumbass! – which he already knows since he's a musician himself – but tonight, it's alright. I laugh brightly and tell him that I know.
Dad pats my shoulder after Link has let me back down and mom beams at me.
"I'm so proud of you" she says, eyes shining and laugh lines deepening from her smile. "I knew I was right to give you that hair pin."
I stop in the middle of the process of hugging her.
"What?" I ask, confused.
"Don't you remember, sweetie?" she laughs.
Something is wrong.
Her hair has suddenly grown longer and the color at the roots has darkened to a black so deep, it's been years since I'd last seen it there.
"You know the one! Silver, two lilies, family heirloom? The one I gave you before Obito's introduction ceremony?"
No.
My body reacts before my mind has decided on what to do and I screamscreamscream –
- only to wake up, amid the tangled sheets of my bed and bathed in sweat.
My heart is pounding wildly, my breath coming in abrupt bursts that are completely out of rhythm. There's no time for waiting, because I'm fairly sure that I'm going to drown here in the darkness of my room any minute now. So I jump out of my bed and practically run into Obito's room, almost tripping over something that lies on the ground between the shoji screen and his crib, and climb into it in a matter of seconds. I press him so tightly against me that he wakes up, letting out a short distressed noise.
"'m sorry, Obi" I sob against his forehead, loosening my hold on him enough to let him breathe. "Sorry to disturb you."
Obito croaks something that sounds suspiciously like a sob himself and it's enough to rip me out of the suffocating tunnel that the dream has driven me into because Obito is not supposed to cry, ever.
"Ohmygod, I'm so sorry, Obi, so sorry! Please don't cry, please don't! I'm sorry!" I whisper frantically as I pat his back, trying to be soothing and not entirely sure if it's working. I count it as a victory when his sobs die down to hiccups and he snuggles closer to my embrace.
Victories are hard to come by these days and I know for sure, have known for a while now, that I won't be able to keep up doing whatever I'm doing right now, that I'm bound to break at any given moment.
But then I remember my goal, thickly underlined in one of the notebooks hidden under my mattress, and remind myself that I need to hold on, at least until it's reasonable to assume that otou-san and okaa-chan will stay alive and Obito won't become an orphan anytime soon. I cling to it and will it to turn into the glue that keeps my world together.
In the silence of the room, the steady beat of Obito's tiny heart feels like the only thing that's not about to shatter.
)()()(
"It's beautiful outside" okaa-chan says cautiously. "Sunny and warm for November."
I look up from my breakfast with bleary eyes. I'm pretty sure I look like a zombie who's freshly crawled out of a rotten casket, but I'm relieved I managed to get out of Obito's room earlier – and no, I didn't mean Obi's room to be a rotten casket – without being caught. It was a close call, though, as I'd been able to hear the shoji screen to okaa-chan and otou-san's bedroom sliding open.
"Hn" I answer non-committally.
Okaa-chan looks like she's waiting for something more, but I have absolutely no idea what I can offer her, so I simply stare back and wait for her to continue this conversation. She sighs.
"I thought about having a picnic. Your father has the night shift today and it's been a long time since we've done something as a family, apart from dinner. What do you say?"
Her eyes are hopeful as she watches and I already feel guilty for planning to shoot her suggestion down, albeit politely. But I'm so utterly drained of energy that I count it as some kind of achievement that I got out of bed at all.
Before I can open my mouth, though, otou-san beats me to it.
"That sounds wonderful" he comments. "I was going to train with Etsuko anyway, so you can join us for lunch."
Jesus Christ. Apparently I'm the only one who doesn't think this is a good idea.
"No need" okaa-chan chirps. "I'm curious about her training anyway, since I've never seen her progress with my own eyes. I'll come with you two."
I hide my face in my hands and groan. Why is nobody even pretending to be interested in what I might have to say about that?
)()()(
Despite my earlier reluctance I admit that this is … actually not so bad.
Both okaa-chan and otou-san's eyes shine with pride and approval as I show them my katas and throw a handful of shuriken dead in the center of the wooden poles, even though I'm not as good with kunai. Otou-san and I spar, too, and in these couple hours I am free from the burdens that threaten to crush me beneath their weight, free in the flurry of movements that spell out strike-block-punch-block-block-kick, free to let myself go and put all my emotions out into the open. It's as close as I'll ever get to the feeling of letting loose on my violin without being suspicious and I grab this opportunity with both hands.
Lunch is delicious, rich in flavor and filling and it's the first time in a while that I don't have to force the food down my throat. Conversations are light, though mostly between otou-san and okaa-chan since I'm busy with Obito who's sitting on my lap. He seems to have found the world's most interesting thing in the grass that we're sitting on and tries to sneak blades past my watchful eye and into his mouth.
Nope, Obi, I won't let you feed on grass when there's okaa-chan's fantastic cooking to be eaten.
When we finish eating, okaa-chan packs all the boxes back into the basket and suddenly, I feel the need to prolong the moment. I'm afraid that as soon as we enter our house, all the shadows will fall back into place and I desperately want to hold on to this and not let go.
"Wait!" I exclaim and both okaa-chan and otou-san look at me. "I … I want to show you something else!"
Otou-san raises an eyebrow. "Ah? What is it?"
Good question indeed. What can I show them that they haven't already seen? Taijutsu is all I've learned until now since I lack chakra reserves for ninjutsu and the knowhow for genjutsu and I already showed them that. The only thing that they've not seen yet is the full extent of my chakra control.
Time for some tree climbing then.
I beckon them to follow me to the group of trees at the edge of the training field and they do me that favor, with Obito sitting on okaa-chan's arm and eyes shining bright with glee. I think he loves being outside.
I make sure that they're watching as I stand in front of the trunk of a relatively young tree and I wonder shortly how often the plants on the training fields need to be replaced, but I shove the thought back into a corner of my mind and gather chakra in my feet.
Only to realize that I'm still wearing my sandals, which massively alters my sensory perception down there. Well, shit. But I'm too proud to step back and chuck them off now, after all the suspense I've been building up.
Here goes nothing, then.
With baited breath, I put my right chakra-infused foot on the bark, followed closely by the left – and am incredibly relieved to see that they stick. It feels different with the sandals between my soles and the trunk, and the tree itself responds differently than the wall in my room. I wait a bit to steady the flow of my chakra and when I'm confident enough, I start walking, up an up into the green. Once or twice I almost slip, but I'm fast to correct my mistakes and half a minute after I've made first contact with the tree I'm sitting on one of its branches at least 50 feet from the ground.
From up here, otou-san and okaa-chan seem really small. They're looking up, both faces sporting a decidedly proud expression and I wave at them before I jump down.
Which is something I clearly didn't think through, because in the middle of the fall, I realize that I'm coming down from 50 feet of height.
Without any idea of how I'm going to land and not end up like a smashed potato.
Oh god.
Now might be a good time to ask for help.
I open my mouth to let out a graceless screech, but any sound that I make is swallowed up by fabric on something solid and half a second later I've stopped falling.
I blink.
I'm cradled in otou-san's arms who stands firmly on the ground and is sporting an amused quirk in his lips. It's warm and safe and I realize that he must have picked me up in the air.
"Oops" I grin sheepishly.
He almost rolls his eyes. "Oops indeed."
He lets me down on my feet again and I look at okaa-chan who's beaming excitedly at me. "When did you learn this, Etsuko-chan? I wasn't aware that you have moved on to expelling chakra from points other than your hands!"
"Uh … I just kinda thought, why not?" I answer carefully. No need to tell her that I'd needed the challenge to drown my nightly problems.
"I'm so proud of you" she says, eyes shining and smile radiant. "I knew I was right to give you that hair pin."
Wait. This is … familiar.
"What?" I ask out loud, confused and with dread crawling up my spine.
"Don't you remember, sweetie?" she laughs.
Oh god, no.
"You know the one! Silver, two lilies, family heirloom? The one I gave you before Obito's introduction ceremony?"
I freeze on the spot.
How is this possible?
And even more important:
Why do I remember? Why is there something to remember at all?
A croak escapes my throat and the sound reverberates in my conscience with the power of a Chinese gong. Ripples expand from the focus of my vision until the edges fray into bare threads of grey, the faces starting to swim, bleeding into –
Slap.
Suddenly, I'm looking to my right and my cheek is burning.
"Focus, Etsuko" a firm voice commands.
It is the only thing that stands unwavering at the moment, so I obey. The color rushes back into my vision and I turn my head to the speaker, realizing with no little surprise that it's okaa-chan. She has a no-nonsense expression on her face, eyebrows drawn together and lips pressed into a thin line. It softens a bit when she sees that I have my mental faculties back.
"How do you feel?" she asks quietly.
"Umm, dizzy?" I answer, uncertainty soaking my voice. I look over to otou-san who's watching us closely. His face is perfectly impassive, which tells me that he's upset. Or at least not entirely calm.
Was it that bad? Did I have another screaming fit? I wish I could remember.
Asking them is out of the question. They would realize that I've had a lapse in memory which would lead to them interrogating me and I definitely don't want that.
"I want to go home" I say with a very small voice and hope that they don't ask.
For a moment none of them move and I'm afraid that I'll have to face their demand for answers right here, right now. Okaa-chan looks over to otou-san who is staring at me.
And then, almost imperceptibly, he nods.
Okaa-chan turns back to me. "Etsuko, we'll go home now. And we both hope that when we're there, you'll have decided that we're trustworthy of knowing what's going on. We don't want to pressure you, but we want you to know that we're very worried because it's clear, has been for a while, that you're not feeling well."
I swallow thickly and nod. What choice do I have?
On our way home I have just enough time to let my internal organs freeze over, rendering me almost paralyzed when we arrive. By the time we make it to the living room I feel like fainting. I don't know how I'm supposed to present the case without them calling a Yamanaka as a result, because, frankly, dreams that cause this level of stress and leave no memories except for dread are a pretty solid reason to call one. Even I can see that.
While otou-san and I get seated, okaa-chan puts Obito into his crib. He's already fallen asleep in her arms on the way and I can't help but feel even more helpless with him gone. She comes back and theoretically, we're ready to begin.
With emphasis on 'theoretically'.
The three of us sit in an awkward circle, neither of us knowing how to begin. It's made even more terrible by the fact that, not half an hour ago, we had been as close to the perfect happy family as humanly possible. How could everything have gone awry so fast?
"So" otou-san finally says. He doesn't continue, though, instead looking at me with expectation written clear on his face.
"Soo" I say at length. I guess that time's up. Might as well get it over with. I take a deep breath and blurt out "Ikindahavethosereallyweirddreams."
Okaa-chan arches an eyebrow. "Weird dreams?"
"You see, I don't really remember them, but they make me feel really uncomfortable and I … ah … today there was this really weird thing when something you said felt like it came straight from one of those dreams and that's really really weird because I usually don't remember details and –"
My elaborate explanation that has probably caused more confusion than anything else up until now is interrupted by the sound of a messenger hawk landing on the window sill. There's a yellow band around one of its claws with a tiny scroll attached to it and otou-san motions me to stop.
He retrieves the message, allowing the hawk to leave and unfurls the scroll. A crease appears between his eyebrows as he reads.
"Fumio is calling me to the main building" he informs us.
"But you're on nightshift today" okaa-chan says. "Has something happened?"
"I don't know. It says something about the village barriers, but there're no details."
Okaa-chan blanches. "They – they have not been breached, have they?"
"I don't think so. Fumio would have sent code red instead of yellow in that case. But I still have to leave."
He looks at me. "We'll continue this when I'm back."
I nod, ridiculously relieved that the interrogation has been postponed.
I watch as he leaves the room to get himself ready. Okaa-chan does, too, and when she starts biting on her lip I realize that she looks worried. It makes me antsy in turn.
I hope this barrier thing is nothing too serious.
Ok guys, that's it for this time. I hope to bring you the next chap real soon and I'll try not to take longer than one week. My longterm goal is something like at least once a week as long as I'm not in the middle of some crisis.
By the way, check out Rave's "Tzigane" (which means "Gypsy", but I wouldn't take it too seriously), it's a really fun piece. I'm playing it now and having a blast.