Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance, on and on
Does anybody know what we are living for? - The Show Must Go On by Queen

Shoto

I think the part that hurt the most was that Katsuki was right. It did not matter, there was an explosion. I just wished I'd not run like a scared child seeking his mother's arms. I slammed the door behind me and leaned against the door jamb, tears running down my face. Big gulps of air as I tried to keep my weeping to myself.

My brother. She'd loved him. And he'd loved her. My mind kept replaying all the times I'd seen him. Every time I'd talked about him. Father had said that he'd tried to spare Toya pain by trying to make another child, by bringing about my birth. The last time I saw him, when he looked at me with eyes that knew his fate. I'd merely thought him resigned, but it was suicide by hero. It was not unheard of, but that I had done it, that he'd seemingly wanted me to… How could I face her again?

Had I less fortitude, I would have crumpled against the wall. Everything I ever loved was tainted. From my mother on down the line. I ruin everything I touch! I could not blame this on Sachiko's fickleness or Emi's impatience. It was me. I killed her love. I had killed Kaiden's father. I had torn this family apart without even trying. I looked at my feet, and regretted that I hadn't thought to grab my shoes, but since I couldn't face her, I would have to just give them up. Maybe it would make an amusing story later.

I ran down the stairs with just the slap of my bare feet in my wake. I tried to reorient myself, but all I felt was a sense of frustration and loss so bone deep that all my heart wanted to do was lay in the street. It was late, the trains weren't running, so I only had two real options. I could call a taxi or I could find a hotel for the night.

I chanced a look at at where Ochaco's apartment was. There was only one light on, and I knew if I could see through her curtains, I'd see her. Sadly I turned away and decided to call a taxi. It was going to cost an arm and a leg to get back home, but I deserved that. I looked for a taxi stand, and found that I was close to one, so I called the number and sat down to wait. To wait and to hope that I might stop crying before it got here.

When the cab arrived, I told him where I wanted to go, and flashed my credit card at his incredulous look. He shrugged, and we set off. Fifteen minutes into the drive I asked him to stop at a liquor store. Thirty minutes later I was standing in front of the shop with a giant bottle half-gone of shochu and vision more blurred by alcohol than tears. That was much better. I gave the driver my credit card and a large tip, then worked my slow, drunken way back to my apartment and the solace of soba-flavored oblivion.

In the morning I was woken by a banging on my door to rival the banging in my head. The shochu had not helped do anything except make it hard to find my ID card. I still felt sick. Both in my heart and my stomach. And my head, as I lifted a shaky hand to my forehead. The banging stopped, and I lay back down, and closed my eyes.

"I KNOW YOUR CODE!" Katsuki yelled through the door, "If you don't get here in the count of three, I'm coming in. You better not be fuckin' nude, you sick freak."

I pulled up my covers, nope. I was still wearing just my jeans and shirt I'd fled Ochaco's in. I decided not to fight it. If Katsuki wanted in, this was the quietest way. And it would not involve me doing more than limping to the toilet and then going back to bed. I heard the beep and click of the door unlocking, and threw back my comforter to stare blurrily at the floor.

I could make it. I put one leg out. Katsuki opened my bedroom door, "It reeks in here."

"Please be quiet."

"You're drunk." His brows drew down into a scowl I knew all too well, "You need help? Water? Kicked in the damned head?"

"Help. I gotta piss."

Katsuki held out a hand, but did not spare my head, "You better not puke on me."

God. No promises. I tried to scowl, but it rolled away in favor of a grimace. I clasped his arm, and pulled myself to my swaying feet. "Thanks. You can go."

"Not bloody likely." He followed me out to the bath, and stood outside the door as I tried to get my jeans to open. "Your date didn't go well?"

"You could say that."

I heard him walk away and rifle through my cabinet and pour a glass of water from the fridge. "Am I going to have to beat it outta you, or are you going to be reasonable?" I opened the door and grabbed the water, disappointed that Katsuki had not gotten me twenty ibuprofen to go with it. "You need some food and gatorade."

My stomach rolled with just the water, and I gingerly shook my head, "You can beat me later. I am going to go back to bed." With the overly careful steps of someone who did not want to be known as a fall-down drunk, I made it back to my room. Since nudity might keep Katsuki at bay, I pulled off my jeans and shucked my shirt. I sprawled face-down in my bed.

It didn't work, "Your ass is just as nice as it's always been." He stood over me, "Why are you drunk? Tell me, or the beating starts now."

"Just leave."

He sat on the edge of the bed, his voice gone soft, "This isn't about your date."

"Leave." I could feel my chest constrict. Just like the day I'd killed him. I had been insensate. Completely unable to feel victory or to even make it back to the Agency. It had only been a year, and I'd grieved then, but this morning it was just as fresh and raw as that day. The tears started, and my stomach heaved, but I was able to gulp down and curl up, "I can't, Katsuki. Go."

The bed shifted, "I don't think so." He placed one hand on my shoulder and squeezed. Struggling with the facts that I both wanted him to leave me alone but was afraid of being alone, I reached up to him and squeezed back.

"My brother is Kaiden's father."

"Natsuo?" I could only imagine the look of confusion on his face as I sobbed into my pillow.

"No," I choked out, "Toya."

The hand retreated, "Shit." His words were angry, but the emotion was pure concern. "No shit." I agreed with him, "I am so sorry, but what the actual fuck?"

I curled tighter, "Please leave."

"Shoto." He said it softly, like he had when Toya had died. When I'd killed my own brother. My sides shook with my cries, and he cleared his throat roughly, "C'mon. Talk to me."

"I destroy everything." I wailed it, the truth I knew even back when I was a child. My own mother had gone insane because of me. My father had hated me - his triumph! My older brother and sister were kept away from me so that they were strangers. I used to see them playing in the courtyard while I was terrorized by a man who should have loved me. I am full of hate. For my so-called family. For my own weaknesses..

"Everything I love, I destroy! I loved her back then, you know. Ochaco." My voice became strident. "I was thinking about her when she lost her quirk and went away forever!" I screamed at him, "Do you think you can help with that, you smug bastard?! I killed my brother! Kaiden's father, Ochaco's lover! Her lover! Dabi? Oh my god."

"Don't think being nude is gonna stop me." Katsuki grabbed me, and yanked until I was propped against his shoulder, bawling into his shirt. He held me as I grieved again for my poor, tortured brother. "And I thought that no one cried as much as that damned nerd."

What was it about this abrasive asshat that made him such a good friend? I wiped my nose on his sleeve, "You can let me go now."

"I'm not leaving until I get the whole story." His lips curled, "Though the addition of at least underwear would be appreciated."

I stood, but had no false modesty. We'd seen each other bare assed and bleeding too often. I opened a drawer and slid into boxers. Another yielded a clean henley and a set of training pants. I dressed with short movements, trying to keep my stomach contents from spilling on my floor.

I got back on my bed and cradled my head. It was still pounding a relentless staccato. "If you could get me a couple of aspirin? And an omelet?"

Katsuki stood, offering his hand again. "If I'm cooking you are sitting at the table."

I shooed him with my free hand as I pushed myself back out of bed and followed him to my small kitchen area. I slumped on a kitchen chair, and rested my head in a nest of my arms as I listened to Katsuki imply that my pantry had an unknown father. A pan slammed down on my hotplate and I heard the cracking of eggs.

"From the top, lover boy. What happened last night?" He put a new glass of water and a couple of aspirin on the table. I took them and considered where to start.

I lay my head back down, but turned now to watch him whisk the eggs, "The date was perfection itself." I closed my eyes, "I was set to seduce her, like you suggested, and at first, she seemed into it. Then…" I sighed, "Then it was like her first time. I could see how frightened she was. I couldn't just fuck her, as you so eloquently put it." Katsuki scowled at me over his shoulder and I directed a smile at him, "We made love."

Hungover, nauseous, and still heart-sick over the raw scrape of Toya's death didn't make for a pleasant backdrop for this conversation. I listened to the quiet domestic noises of the eggs cooking. I exhaled, "Afterward, I was just holding her." Another look, "Fine, I won't get all emotional on you. We were laying there, and she suddenly went crazy. She leaped out of bed and…" I allowed my head to drop to the coolness of the table as I put both hands in my hair, and tried to soothe myself. "She found a letter that Toya had written. He loved her, Katsuki. Father had said that when Toya had been a child, he'd been loving and earnest, he never gave up. Even as his burns got worse and worse. Even after Dad ordered him to stop training his quirk…" My eyes ran over again, but my voice remained strong, "He never gave up."

Katsuki put a plate down in front of me and went back to put my kettle on before sitting back down. "Ochaco loved him, too."

"Yes. Kaiden is proof of that in a way." I pulled a set of chopsticks out of the holder, "He's my nephew." I issued a dry chuckle, "It's okay if I love him so much now."

Katsuki shifted in his seat, his fingers tapping a tune only he could hear. "Are you telling me that you made love to Ochaco and then ran out and got shit-faced?"

I nodded, and he rose to grab the kettle, dropping tea bags in a couple of mugs. "You are officially more stupid than Midoriya ever was. You may be more stupid than Kaminari." He dropped my mug in front of me, the hot water slopping over the rim. "She is grieving. She is vulnerable! You just had mind-blowing sex with her."

"If you have a point?"

"Did you realize she's grieving the exact same person you are? You don't deserve her if you can't dig into your heart and comfort the woman you love; the woman your brother loved." Katsuki stared at me with cherry red eyes filled with disdain. "She's your family now, but that doesn't mean you can't be with her. If you keep up this level of stupid, you'll never win, and you'll always know you could have. I thought you were better than that."

I drilled him with my own stare. "I thought I was, too."

Katsuki stomped to the door, and I could hear the handle shaking in his crushing grip. "Maybe I'm just talking to the shochu, but if my friend is in there, get your shit together."

He was shaking with barely suppressed fury. I knew I was exactly as moronic as he had said. I buried my head in my hands again as he walked out, slamming the door behind him.

AN/ Grief is different for everyone. Tears are the easy part. He will be better. Thank you dear Mosevic.