Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile, still, stays on - The Show Must Go On by Queen

Ochaco

Tsu wasn't supposed to come back until tomorrow morning, so I had all the time in the world to curl up on the couch and cry. I cried until I couldn't get any more tears. Then I slept the fitful, restless sleep of the heartbroken. Not only for Dabi… Toya, but for Shoto, too.

The memories lying dormant flickered to life while I slept. Too vivid dreams of holding hands, eating dinner, arguing over the color he wanted to paint our bedroom. A memory of sex in a gaudy hotel that woke me with an incoherent cry and tremors running through my body. Another that woke me in a cold sweat of waking up to a letter on his pillow.

I rose, and drank a full glass of water to calm myself. That seemed only to allow the tears to flow again. I went back to the couch and picked up Dabi's letter. I could think about him now, and picture his strong fingers as clear as glass. My brain made me watch an impersonal camera pan over his lifeless body. Though it had been nearly unrecognizably burned, I knew it had been my lover. I fell asleep again with only my sadness for company.

I woke in the morning to the jostling of the door as Tsu juggled Kaiden and house keys. I morosely looked at the letter, still clutched in my hand. Then calmly smoothed it, setting it aside on a side table while I tried to find energy to stand. I surrendered back into the couch's warm embrace.

"Where's Mommy, ribbit?" Tsu was talking with an upbeat voice to which Kai giggled.

I smiled at the sound of Kaiden's happy noises. "I'm in the living room."

"I forgot to bring enough cereal for breakfast," chirrup, "I hope we're not intruding?"

"You're not." I lumbered up, and stretched my stiffened joints before joining them in the kitchen. Tsu handed me Kai, and I hugged him hard. "I missed you, sweetheart."

Kaiden raspberried and garbled a few words, but it was Tsu's eyes that widened. "What happened? Have you been crying all night, ribbit?"

"Make his bottle and I'll tell you about it." I stroked a hand over Kaiden's hair. Dabi's had been black, but I knew he'd been dying it. I tilted Kai back and looked at his face. Electric-blue eyes and a small smile. He looked just like him. I knew that now for certain. Just like I knew he looked just like his uncle with all his grandpa's coloring. Kai must look exactly as Toya had at his age.

Tsu was stirring the bottle, obviously waiting to hear about my date. "Look at Kai-chan. What do you see?" I asked her.

She turned, "An amazing resemblance to Endeavor. I hope that's what you were looking for."

"Yeah." I shook my head, "How did I not see it? Am I just the biggest idiot on the planet?"

"You got some memories back? What happened, ribbit?"

She screwed the nipple onto the bottle and held it out to me. I switched my hold on Kai and grabbed the bottle, "Sit down on the couch. There's a letter you should read."

Tsu joined me on the couch, and I held the bottle for Kai and indicated the paper, "I think you'll find that interesting."

She picked up the badly wrinkled and creased paper, her large eyes reading quickly. "I can't believe this. Who?" She croaked forlornly, "Shoto's mother's name is Rei. I remember that from him talking about her one time." Her confusion was still evident, "I know it wasn't Shoto, he wouldn't lie. He has an older brother, doesn't he?"

"He does. Two of them. I fell in love with one, and had his child. He's…" I tried to speak past the lump in my throat. It was still too new to talk of so openly. "He died. The Christmas before last." I snuggled Kai and felt my chest twist painfully until I could no longer hold my tears. I cried until Kai spit out his bottle and joined me. Both of us sobbing with Tsu trying to hold us from her seat.

I patted Kai and pulled some strength from Tsu's loving concern. "Thanks, Tsu. I'm alright now," I said in a watery voice. Even a half-hearted attempt at making myself feel better is better than nothing. I picked up the bottle and set it on the table so that I could cuddle and soothe the baby.

"I got my remaining memories back. Well. Enough of them to say they're back." I still petted Kai who was fussing, "I started dating Dabi after going to Quirk Loss meetings. We spent a lot of time together." I picked his bottle back up, and smiled at Kai-chan, "If you're hungry, let's give it a finish, okay?"

Tsu interrupted softly, "You dated a villain?"

"He wasn't a villain to me." I met her eyes with a challenging look. "He hated the League, his quirk, and seemed to have a genuine sense of remorse. His life before we met had changed him." Tsu's face was the picture of confusion. "You know he treated me well. He was surprisingly insightful. We had fun, laughed together, and he seemed to love me."

"I know he must have," Tsu's voice was soothing. "I just had trouble picturing it, ribbit." Her wide mouth twisted, then she seemed to think better of it, and smoothed her expression. "I just, ribbit, I don't think I could have gotten past the scars not to mention him actively trying to kill us. Multiple times."

This time I didn't bother to dissemble, "We're better than that, Tsu. As heroes we always believe that there's room for improvement. Remorse! Turning to the light!" I looked away, new tears brimming in my eyes, "As for the scars…" I could recall running my fingers and tongue over them. Kissing his tortured skin and enjoying it. The color and texture - just Dabi. For he was always Dabi to me.

Just like I'd touched Shoto's scars. How I'd kissed the edges and told him how gorgeous I thought he was. How was this different from that? It wasn't. "The scars were him. No different than his brother's scars. No different from my puffy fingertips or your extraordinary tongue."

She nodded, "I'm sorry. I should never have said that. I know better than anyone what quirks do to people. Not everyone is standard lovely. Beauty comes in all sizes, shapes, and textures." She smiled, placing an oversized hand on mine. "I'm sorry, Ochaco. Truly."

"I know. I'm just really sensitive right now." I took the bottle, setting it aside before putting Kai down and tossing a couple of his favorite toys just out of reach. He liked to roll around and find them now. His newest trick.

I still felt sad and sober. "I think I should tell my parents."

"I understand why he might not have wanted that, but you owe Kaiden, ribbit, and your parents the truth. His past can't drag you down. He wanted what was best for you. I think I understand." She touched the letter, then handed it back to me. "He would have wanted you to be happy, and that was the only way he knew to protect you. He was a criminal. Ribbit, He only trusted you and no one else."

That made a lot of sense. Why I hadn't followed the reasoning out between reading the letter the first time to Kaiden's birth, I don't know. Maybe it was the shock of Dabi's death or my determination not to compromise his identity. Or not to hurt my own reputation. Strange, that. I thought I was less selfish and insecure than that.

"Of course. My mom will be upset, but hopefully she'll understand why I thought I had to keep that secret."

"What about his other grandparents?"

I buried my face in my hands. "I'm less sure about that. Enji and Rei might be good people now, but we both know a different set of parents. I don't want Kaiden in some sort of custody battle or subject to their…" How did I put it delicately? Screw it, "They abused Shoto and Dabi. For years. Dabi may have loved his mother but she went crazy and burned Shoto nearly to the bone. And they both rightly hated their father."

"I see what you mean, ribbit, but I think you will regret not telling them. Especially as Kai gets older and wants to know more about his roots. Or his quirk." She croaked lowly, "What are your plans going forward with the hero business?"

"I'm quitting Endeavor's."

"Why?" She looked at the letter and back at my teary face, "Oh no. Ribbit, he didn't… react well?"

I hugged myself tight and tried not to break into tears again. "We made love." I glanced at her gasp of surprise. "Maybe that's not true, since as soon as he saw that letter…" I sobbed out a breath, "My memories came back - but Shoto left!"

My shoulders shook, trying not to relive him running out like he'd realized he was allergic to me. It hurt so much. My head had been pounding, my body aching from sex. I knew it had been my first time since the baby, but I now remembered that Shoto had been the first since his brother more than a year ago.

More than anything, I wished he'd have stayed. I wished he'd been the man I thought he was. Obviously he'd learned more than how to smile and laugh in five years. He'd learned how to lie with his body and eyes. The fact that I'd swallowed it hook, line, and sinker tore at my heart.

"He used me. I don't know if he used Kai-chan too, but even if he loves his nephew, what he did to me I can't forgive."

Tsu shook her head, "If you want to change, I'll press through your internship at my agency. We're rescue-centric, and I have always thought that's what you're meant for, ribbit. But I think just plain cutting off Shoto like that is going to backfire. I am certain he loved you. Please reconsider." She chirruped in her throat, "What he did seemed terrible, but you aren't the only one who lost someone that day. He killed Dabi, you know? This news must have ripped him open too, ribbit."

I nodded, but a night with just the cold comfort of long, lonely hours had hardened my heart. "Either way, thank you for accepting me as an intern. Kaiden thanks you too." He'd rolled to Tsu's foot and was happily chewing on his little donut.

Tsu pulled her long hair over her shoulder and ran the strands through her fingers. "Shoto and Endeavor will not look kindly on being separated from their family. Especially now."

"I'll deal with it." I watched Kaiden slobber on the donut and Tsu's toes before getting distracted and trying to roll a different way. "I need perspective, and so do they. Shoto made a decision last night to walk out on us. I wish he could have been who I needed at the time." I barked a bitter laugh, "I seem to only be able to fall in love with men who want to sacrifice me on whatever altar is convenient."

"Izuku only did what he thought he had to, ribbit. He wanted to protect you from all the horrible things that have happened in the last five years." She tossed her hair back and emitted a small croak, "It hasn't all been champagne and rainbows." Tsu watched as Kaiden rolled to his stomach and flapped his little arms. He was so close to crawling now.

"I know. Dabi wanted to protect me too. I don't know why Shoto ran, but it happened." I flopped back into the couch. "It happened and all I want is to forgive him. Just as much as I'd like to forgive Midoriya, and to speak to Dabi one last time."

Green eyes welled with tears this time, "I'll help you set up a shrine, ribbit. For Dabi. I want to help you make things right with Midoriya, too." She paused, and her eyes slid to her purse. "I've been holding on to this, I apologize." Tsu got up to rummage around in her purse, withdrawing an envelope, "It's from Midoriya. I didn't want to cloud your feelings, ribbit, but I shouldn't have made that call. I'm sorry. Here."

I took the envelope and turned it in my hands. I wasn't upset at her, she'd made the right decision. I was too fragile to have handled this weeks ago. But now I had some choices to make and just possibly Izuku deserved a say in them.

AN/ A friend told me Dabi was creepy. I nearly lost my mind. Anyway, nothing much this time except a thank you to my extraordinary friend, who is slightly more understanding about my odd taste(s), Mosevic.