Yo, I'm alive.
... and a terrible person for making you wait so long. I'm really really sorry, but real life has decided to throw some rocks into my path that I would've had to drag away with a forklift only that I don't own one, so that kind of took priority.
But here it is, the final chapter of the first arc! Boy, when I started writing this, I didn't even dream of writing more than three chapters, let alone planning a whole arc. And that's all thanks to you, so shout-out to all you rad people who keep encouraging me, whether through favoriting or following, or BEST OF ALL, reviewing (big bear hug for you guys!) and waiting so paitently.
There're a lot of more arcs to come :)
Thanks again for my beta, NightsBlackRose13 for proofreading. And dear, we're approaching the real fun part.
Concerning the next chap: I'm gonna be on a week-long trip to Istanbul next week, so it might take a bit before the next update. But you can always check out my tumblr for chapter progress and other stuff - sometimes, if you look really hard, there're clues for the coming plot. Also, you can talk to me there, so don't hesitate to send an ask! I love to hear from you!
Chapter 11: Nothing Stays Buried Forever
Two girls are sitting on a black stone floor.
One of them is a young woman, somewhere in the middle of her twenties and dressed casually in dark blue jeans and a red sweater. She's on the shorter side of what's considered the average height for Caucasian people and although most people wouldn't say she was overweight, she clearly is no stick either. She has a dazed and slightly terrified expression on her face.
Across from her, talking animatedly and generally a whole lot more self-confident, is a child barely out of her toddler stage. She's wearing a dark, high-collared shirt with a stylized crimson-and-white fan on her back and leggings that are cut off just underneath her knees.
They both have black hair, Asian features and blood on their clothes.
They make for a rather curious sight, especially when one adds their conversation to the overall picture.
"Okay, so let me get this straight" the little girl says. She has a scowl on her face that does funny things to the distribution of her baby fat, making her appear like an adult stuffed into a midget body. She points a tiny finger at the young woman who flinches at the jerky movement.
"You remember the things we do, but you think they're figments of a very active imagination. Is that right?"
The woman blinks. She looks distinctly unhappy which is pointedly ignored by the little girl, but she's trying. So hard.
"That sounds so stupid if you put it like that. I mean, somewhere inside of me I think I know they're real, but they feel like … dunno, kind of transparent. Kind of like something that's pulled over the real thing and … argh, it's so difficult to explain!" She exasperatedly rakes her fingers through her hair.
The left eyebrow of the little girl shoots up. "Pulled over the real thing? What do you mean?"
"Like a plastic film, I guess?" Her counterpart scratches the back of her head. "Still see-through but airtight?"
"No" she shakes her head vehemently. "I meant the 'real thing' part! I don't understand why the things we do wouldn't be the real thing?"
"Because, duh, clearly, they're not!" The woman shoots a look at the little girl that says something along the line of 'I can't believe you never figured that out and, god, how is this situation even real and why am I discussing this'. "Didn't you notice that it's ridiculous to even think that Mom or Dad could be ninja? And not even real, pre-industrial, Japanese ninja, but those unrealistic superhuman beings from Naruto?"
The little one huffs at this. "Of course that's ridiculous! But I don't see why you have to bring Mom and Dad into this?!"
"Huh?" A confused blink. "But this is about them, isn't it?"
"What?" Another huff, this one definitely more annoyed. "No, it's not! I don't understand what you're getting at! Of course Mom and Dad aren't ninja, because Okaa-chan and Otou-san are, so could you please stop swapping their identities because it's confusing as hell!"
There's a short pause in which the woman's brows manage to come so tightly together that they look line one single line. "What?" she says, almost swallowing the word that's trying to make it out of her mouth. Louder then, she adds "Swapping identities? What?!"
"Oh come on, don't play dumb with yourself!" the girl cries out. She's squirming with impatience and something entirely too close to desperation. "There's no way you didn't notice that you're calling their names synonymously because that would mean you think they're one and the same, which I can't actually imagine."
The woman stares, mouth agape and eyes wide as saucers.
Realization dawns on the face of the child.
Her jaw drops, too.
"Unless – unless you actually do think that they're one and the same?!"
For a few heartbeats, dead silence hangs between them as they digest the meaning of the revelation, both coming to conclusions that are set miles apart from each other.
It's not really surprising when they both start to shout at the same time.
"I REFUSE TO BELIEVE –"
"ARE YOU SERIOUS –"
"- THAT NARUTOVERSE IS REAL –"
"- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK –"
"- AND I DARE YOU TO PROVE IT TO ME!"
"- HAVE WE BEEN DOING THE WHOLE TIME?!"
They're breathing hard by the time they've finished their little outbursts and glaring at each other with blazing eyes, either waiting for the other to give in.
Which doesn't happen.
Instead, they both open their mouths at the same time again, only to clamp them shut when they see what the other is about to do. The little girl rolls her eyes.
"You first" she grumbles.
The woman purses her lips. "I believe that this whole second life or whatever you wanna call it is a load of crap in our head. We're probably sleeping or something and only having a really weird dream. It must be like that because we managed to involve our whole family in this, too. Didn't you ever think it funny that we would have a mother, a father and a little brother again, an exact mirror image of our actual family?"
"But they're nothing alike!" the girl interjects. "Dad and Otou-san couldn't be further apart personality wise and the same goes for Mom and Okaa-chan! And what about Obito? He's a baby, for heaven's sake, not even close to a full grown teenager approaching the twentysomethings like Link has been!"
"That's not true! They're one and the same! I can see it! I can see that all the characteristics are present, even in Obito!"
Long strands of black hair go flying when the girl shakes her head agitatedly. Her eyes have turned desperate and she grips the woman by her shoulders, her small hands barely managing to do so. "No, Elizabeth, it doesn't work! Don't you understand? Just because you want to see Mom and Dad's traits in Okaa-chan and Otou-san, it doesn't mean they're there! You're forcing your concepts on them and you refuse to acknowledge the things that make them different. You have to stop perceiving them as something that they aren't!"
The woman, Elizabeth, has clamped her eyes tightly shut sometime during the rant. Her face is distorted into a mask of pained denial, lips pressed into a thin line and corners turned downwards, eyebrows pinched together creating a deep crease at the base of her nose and skin as pale as chalk.
Predictably, she doesn't answer.
The air is tense, loaded with expectation and the moment of silence stretches into an uncomfortable sort of eternity that raises the hairs on the nape of the neck and makes lesser beings squirm.
Elizabeth does a lot of almost-but-not-quite-squirming.
It's enough, apparently, for the little girl to come to yet another conclusion. Her grip on Elizabeth softens, along with her glare, and she takes a small step back.
"You know, don't you?" the question not really a question and more of an observation. "You and me are essentially one person, so if I know, you do, too, of course. The knowledge is buried deep down inside of you and I see that it makes you afraid. So you lash out, trying to prove that Okaa-chan, Otou-san and Obito are really just Mom, Dad and Link and –"
Her eyes widen with another realization.
"- and that's where the dreams come in. Dreams in which you merge them together, dreams about the things we did and liked to do back then. And when the opportunity strikes, you let them leak into our conscience, resulting in us stumbling over the crash of two worlds. Because that's what happened with Akiko/Amanda that time at the Police Force, am I right?"
Onyx eyes appear as bottomless pits when the girl lets her gaze rest on her counterpart who has buried her face in her hands. She's making small whimpering noises, shoulders shaking with silent sobs, and her devastation is nearly palpable.
The little girl's intense scrutiny cools down a few degrees and when she begins to speak again her voice, despite being soft, carries through the air and bounces back off the black stone.
"I'm beginning to understand what you did. What I don't understand, though, is why. Why are you so averse to the idea that our life in Narutoverse is real? Why are you so afraid?"
Elizabeth peeks from the space between her fingers.
"Becozidhurzomuch" she mumbles.
"What?"
She takes her hands from her face and draws a shuddering breath. "Because it hurts so much."
Tentatively, she looks the girl in the eye, expecting a derisive reaction of some sort but when none comes forth, she continues. "Remember our first six months here?"
The little girl scrunches up her nose. "Not really. I remember being reborn, getting really enthusiastic upon realization, then getting really upset when I figured out where I've been reborn to and the next thing is the guy from the Bureau for soul transfer affairs. Everything in between is kind of like a big black hole."
"I thought so. Do you know why?"
"Dunno … if there's an explanation, I haven't seen it around, yet. Or maybe I have in that big black hole, but, uh, are you supposed to retain memories from a coma? Because I certainly don't."
Elizabeth looks the girl firm in the eye and says with a calm voice "Who said we were in a coma?"
Said girl blinks, taken by surprise. Her brows shoot up, leaving her eyes wide open. "We – were we not?"
Never breaking eye contact, Elizabeth slowly shakes her head. She holds her hands up when the girl opens her mouth to burst out a hundred questions. "Hold on, let me explain!"
A jaw snaps shut.
"Ok, so you might remember the moment we fully broke down. It was the morning after our birth when we saw that banner and realized that we were still here, right?"
The girl nods.
"So, what happened then was that, basically, all kinds of different emotions came crashing down on us. Things like incredulity and denial, fear, anger and most importantly, the agony of loss. With the realization that we'd truly been reborn also came the realization that we'd lost everything: our skills, our friends, our family. Which hurt a whole fucking lot and then some. It rocked the core of our being and we had massive problems coping with it." And then, added in an unintelligible mumble: "We still have, actually."
A distraught expression has appeared on the face of the little girl. She's visibly struggling when she opens her mouth to speak with a shaky voice. "So what you're telling me is that our 'coma' was a result of us being unable to deal with … everything?"
Elizabeth nods.
"OK, then … what happened to make us suddenly be alright? I mean, the guy from the Bureau answered a few things but he actually left us with more questions than before. And he didn't directly do anything for our emotional stability, did he? But somehow, we still became capable of acting after that."
Elizabeth averts her gaze from the little girl. "You're partly right in that we finally became capable of acting" she says softly. "But we have never been completely alright. After the conversation with the Bureau guy something happened that laid down the foundation for what we have now: you, Etsuko-us and me, Elizabeth-us."
The little girl aka Etsuko's eyes widen and her lips take on the shape of perfect little 'o'. "We split! So we are multiple after all?!"
She receives a firm shake of the head.
"No, not really" Elizabeth says matter-of-factly. "As I said, it was only the foundation. What we did was basically getting rid of all the unwanted emotions by creating this place." She makes a gesture that encompasses the space around them.
"We created vaults and locked the painful emotions and all memories linked to these emotions away. What was left was the starting capital for Etsuko, and because it was mostly comprised of rational thinking and our analytical skill since we locked our heavy emotions away, you were right to conclude that we as Etsuko have handled our business mostly in a rather logical manner – which you are currently representing."
Etsuko groans softly. It's her turn to put her face in her hands and with a dejected voice she mumbles "This is some heavy stuff right here."
Elizabeth shrugs. "And we're not finished, yet, so tell me when you're ready for more. Because now comes a part that I can't quite figure out. I'll need your help."
For a while, there's only silence as Etsuko mulls over the information. It's an almost comfortable one, miles away from the tension of the beginnings, or at least it feels like that from a relative stance. Because there's still enough uncertainty in the air to drown them both in.
Finally she inhales and looks up. "OK, I think I got it. Now, there's just one question: even though you say we locked our emotions away, I can still remember quite distinctly that we've been through various stages of cowardice and self-loathing. How did that happen?"
"Good question" Elizabeth concedes. "But you are forgetting something. The emotions we locked away were only those of intense pain originating from the memories of our past life. We're no robots and Etsuko has always been a complete person in her own right. We just chose to shut some things out to help us live. And we were quite successful with that approach."
"Until the dreams emerged" Etsuko pipes in.
"Until the dreams emerged" Elizabeth agrees. "I still don't know why they broke out, though, and it's driving me crazy."
Etsuko shoots her an unimpressed look. "You know, for someone who didn't even want to admit our identity half an hour ago you're suddenly awfully invested."
Elizabeth shows a smile that consists of at least 90% teeth. "What can I say? I don't do things half-assed."
She receives a huff but no rebuttal. Her grin widens a fraction. "Glad we're starting to get along."
"Well, we are one person" the little girl retorts. Her expression goes back to serious immediately after, though. "I'm sure we'll be able to figure this dream thingie out, too. You know, now that we're both focusing our energy on solving the problem."
She draws a deep breath. "OK, so let's start by thinking of the first time one of those dreams started."
"But that's already part of the problem!" Elizabeth cries out. "We can't say for sure when exactly they started because for a really long time, we don't even remember having them!"
"Okay, okay, no need to panic" Etsuko says in a placating voice. "We can make it easier then. Let's take the first time we do remember having one, okay?"
Elizabeth pauses to think. "That would indeed be the incident at the Police Force. That was the first time one of our suppressed memories worked its way into our conscience and managed to blend with reality. Which reminds me, there is something I was going to say before when you first mentioned it: I didn't let this memory through on purpose."
Etsuko's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "You didn't?"
She receives a tired sigh. "No, I didn't. I'm only a manifestation of our defensive mechanism to lock painful emotions away. And like the name defensive mechanism already implies, I'm here to protect us. I would never willingly let anything past me of which I know it would hurt us. But somewhere along the way, I've become fallible. I'm no longer a fail-save system and I don't know why."
"With which we've gone full circle again" Etsuko takes over. She pinches her nose in frustration. "We're not moving any further with this. I think we need another approach, since this one is clearly not working. Let's not take the first time we remember a dream, but focus on things we did and thought that have a connection to our past life's memories. Really, any connection will do."
Elizabeth snorts. "Good luck with that. Remember when I insisted that Otou-san, Okaa-chan and Obito were the same as Dad, Mom and Link? Any memory with them in it is somehow linked to our past life's memory."
Etsuko's face contorts into an unhappy grimace.
"So basically, we have two and a half year of interaction with Okaa-chan and Otou-san alone until Obito joins the party" Elizabeth continues. "From then on it's another half year before the Police-Force-incident. This gives us a time frame of three years which we have to comb through. Brilliant."
"Actually" Etsuko says slowly. "I don't think we need to look at all of this time. I have a feeling that this thing really started when Obito joined the fray because from then on, our family was 'restored'. What exactly happened between his birth and the incident?"
"Um, there was the party for Obito a few days before, I guess, but nothing else too exciting. One day after that we flipped over hearing that Konoha was going to war because we mistook it for the massively misplaced beginning of the Third Shinobi War and were put under a genjutsu by Otou-san as a result. Only two days after that –"
"Wait!" Etsuko suddenly exclaims. "I think – I think I got it! Remember what happened after we were genjutsued?"
Elizabeth crinkles her nose in thought. "We had a real good night's sleep? And after that … we were really disoriented? We even started to sing that song … what was it again … ah yes, Hero of War! I really don't understand how we could've been so careless, I mean if we had been caught -"
"But don't you understand?!" Etsuko interrupts her. "It's the song! The song is that earliest link to our painful memories!"
Elizabeth's eyes widen in understanding. "Oh – oh my gosh, you're right! But if the song …" And then, if possible, her eyes go even wider and her voice cracks in excitement. "Oh god! It means that it was Otou-san's genjutsu! The genjutsu was the catalyst that set the dreams into motion, the foreign body that didn't fit with our internal system, the grain of sand that sabotaged our defensive mechanism!"
Etsuko nods rigorously and gesticulates wildly with her hands. "Exactly! Now we only need to find out how to counter this whole thing and we're ready to go back!"
They beam at each other like athletes who managed to bring back Olympic gold, triumph written all over their faces and eyes sparkling with accomplishment.
Until they realize that 'finding out how to counter it' is easier said than done.
"So, our real problem is the existence of our defensive mechanism" Etsuko says. "It used to do its job, but now it's causing more problems than relief. As I see it, we have two options now: One, we seal our memories again, this time really tight. We'd need to find a way to make it fail-save so that no genjutsu in the world will make it past it again. Or two, we deal with them. Which would be more sustainable. But it'll most definitely hurt, too. Probably like a bitch."
Elizabeth grimaces. "I don't think we'll ever be able to create something that can withstand any genjutsu. I mean, the thing about genjutsu is that it targets the brain via your chakra stream. I'm not sure about the strength of Otou-san's jutsu, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't the strongest in his repertoire since he wasn't primarily out for our blood. And when I start thinking about people who give no shit about our wellbeing and know their stuff around illusions, I'm getting really bad vibes."
"True" Etsuko sighs. "That leaves only option two."
There's a short, uncomfortable silence.
"Remember what Mom told us once?" Elizabeth asks with a lopsided grin. "There's still enough time to be afraid …"
"… after the deed is done. Yeah, I remember." Etsuko takes in a deep breath. "Lucky that we're just at the right place for that, right?"
"Yeah" Elizabeth answers weakly.
"So, shall we just open the vaults one after the other?"
The woman thinks, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. "I think" she starts hesitantly. "I think I know the ideal starting point for it. But – it won't be easy."
"Nothing ever comes easy. But I trust you on this."
Elizabeth lets out a short laugh. "Of course you would. I'm just another you after all."
)()()(
Two girls are standing in front of a massive vault door, which is reinforced with steel chains doubly and triply wound around.
The size of the whole affair is quite impressive – and impressed the two are indeed.
"So, that's it?" the smaller one asks. She's trying to sound casual although there is no mistaking the nervousness in her voice.
The taller one rolls her eyes but doesn't comment further on it. She's tightly strung as well.
Amid the maze of chains on the black vault door, there's a pad made of smooth black stone set on eye-level. It has the outline of a hand drawn on it.
The tall girl takes a step forward and lifts her hand. She guides it towards the pad, but stops short when there're no more than two inches separating her hand from the surface. Her head turns back to look at her small companion.
"Um, so before I access this memory." She takes a deep breath. "You should know that there is quite a high possibility for us to wake up after this. So if there's still something that we need to discuss before returning I guess now would be a good moment to spill."
The addressed thinks a bit before slowly shaking her head. "I can't think of anything else to sort out. I guess – I guess we're good to go."
The tall girl smiles tentatively. "That's good." She stretches her other hand out, offering it to the other girl who takes it without hesitation.
"One last thing. This memory will be painful. And with painful I mean paralyzing painful. The first time we fell into complete shock, after all. But this time around we can't let that happen. We'll need something to focus on, something that prevents us from falling."
"Oh I'm aware" the little girl answers. With a smile, she adds "And I already have something, or better, someone, in mind for the job."
"Good" the taller one says. "I guess we're as ready as we'll ever be then. Etsuko?"
"Bring it on, Elizabeth."
She brings her hand to the pad.
As soon as her skin touches the smooth stone, lines of white light come to life. Lines lead from the tips of her fingers to various points in the maze of chains and suddenly, where there had only been chaos before, there's a logical system of retreating metal, the sliding creating a cacophony of sounds that all builds up into a grotesque symphony. The light begins to shine from between the cracks until the vault door bursts open and everything is bathed in searing white light.
Etsuko rolls her eyes. "Overkill" she mutters.
And then the light swallows them both.
)()()(
"… and if we change the color of the walls, the room will seem so much brighter. What do you think, Liz?"
"Yes" I say absentmindedly, scowling at the screen of my laptop and the displayed e-mail. Annoyance takes over when I realize what the content actually means for me and my efforts to apply for an exchange semester in London and the more I think about it, the angrier I get. It's been two months of chasing after people and reminding them that it's actually their job to be available for my questions and now –
"Liz, are you even listening?" comes Mom's voice from the phone that's still at my ear and I wince.
I have no idea what she's been talking about.
"Uh, not really? I'm sorry Mom, but I got an emergency here and I need to speak with the lady from the International Office. It's about London. I'll call you back sometime, 'kay?"
I hear Mom sighing from the other end. "Do that. And tell me how it went, okay?"
"Sure. Bye, Mom. Love ya!"
"Love you, too, sweetie!"
The line goes dead and I hurriedly punch in the number of the International Office of my university. I hold my breath while counting the rings on the other side.
She has to pick up.
After the seventh ring, I finally hear the lady's voice. I impatiently wait for her to finish her default greeting and ask her if it'd be alright if I came by now because she has to put a stamp on every single page of my application documents.
She hasn't even finished spelling out her consent by the time I'm out of the door of my dorm room.
I set a brisk walking pace and make my way to the subway, cursing when I realize that the next one is going to leave in three minutes. Which means that I'll have to run if I want to get it.
I decide that I do want to get it and head directly for the next traffic light which has just sprung to green. I'm still a distance away, but I decide that if I run real fast I'll make it. Which is why I end up in the middle of the street long after the light has gone red again.
There's a loud screeching sound as tires leave a trail of burnt rubber on the asphalt and suddenly I'm flying. Pain explodes as I hit something with my head.
Everything goes black.
There's the sound of a tape being fast forwarded and the next time I open my eyes, there's a constant beeping sound and blinding lights in a white room.
I recognize this. I'm in a room of my local hospital. There's a doctor at my bedside. Oh, and Mom and Dad, too.
"… brain trauma when you got hit by that car" the lady in white explains. She's looking at me with a strange expression. I recoil when I realize what it is.
Pity.
"Its result is that a vein has started swelling in your brain. We call it a cerebral hemorrhage. It's very serious."
My parents have started to cry and my own voice sounds morose when I ask her "Am I going to die?"
"When the vein bursts, yes."
"How long?"
"Two months, maybe. I'm very sorry Ms. Wang."
Fast forward again. I catch various glimpses of the following two months, pictures, sounds and emotions.
My head aches a lot. Mom cries a lot. Dad and Link, too, especially Link. He must be feeling terrible.
My friends come to visit me. Fellow students. My violin professor.
The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I witness them all. In the people around me, in myself. Though the thought that none of this is fair never really leaves me.
)()()(
Then … I died.