It's Comeback time! Here's another brandnew chapter for your reading pleasure, thank you for staying with me and my erratic updating schedule! When I look back at the beginnings from three years ago, it seems crazy how far we've come and I'm truly grateful for this opportunity. May there be another three years coming-at least :-)
As always, beta'ed by NightsBlackRose13. Head over to their page and show their stories some love! (Might even motivate them to update, lol.)
Chapter 28: Tell Me A Story
Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was neither particularly gifted nor did she have any overly ambitious goals in life. Her family was content to let her find her own course and the people that she surrounded herself with neither pushed her into high-flying ambitions nor did they put rocks in her path, at least not with the intent of sabotage.
She was perfectly ordinary in every aspect, living a perfectly ordinary life.
You ask who that is?
Yeah, fuck if I know.
'Tis certainly not I.
)()()(
The Hokage's sudden departure leaves the air in the room several degrees colder.
I'm surrounded by three adult men. One looks like he's going to rage murder someone any second, another like he was hit by a ton of bricks and the last ... well, pleased.
At least one of us feels that way then.
If I were an observer from the outside - say, like a person watching a TV show - I'd be expecting some visual or aural effect to illustrate the frosty silence that's currently reigning supreme. Some windy howling maybe. Or just plain ice breaking. You get the gist.
Frankly, I think I'd prefer that to whatever situation I'm in now. At least I'm feeling kinda numb, so that's a plus.
Murderman WHO I'M SO GLAD I DID NOT END UP BECOMING THE APPRENTICE OF - woops, not so numb after all - finally has decided he has enough of us, throws one last contemptuous look into the room and storms out through the double doors through which the Hokage and his ANBU agent - they seemed to be quite nervous, bless their soul and oh shit,me too - have left just moments ago.
That leaves me with one smug and one crushed man. Common practice tells me that I ought to pay my respects to smug man since he's going to be my teacher from now on.
Screw common practice.
I'm not about to leave the person I consider my second father since reincarnation standing in the proverbial rain. Also, I'm still right next to him, so it just makes sense.
I reach up and, without much thinking, take his hand into mine. "Sakumo?"
He looks down at me, the look in his dark grey eyes far away and directed at me at the same time.
"Etsuko-chan," he begins but doesn't continue.
He looks desolate.
I have a feeling that this isn't solely about me, that there's something happening at the back of his mind and with a sudden start, I realize that I don't really know anything about Sakumo and his past. What happened to him? What got him shaken up so badly?
Who did he lose?
My hand clasps his tighter.
I want to help him. I wish I knew how.
Suddenly, he closes his eyes and shakes his head. It looks like he's trying to shake off his thoughts.
When he opens his eyes again, the turmoil has vanished behind a kind smile.
"Congratulations, Etsuko-chan. I'm sure Orochimaru has a lot to teach you, he's one of Konoha's strongest shinobi after all. Come, you should go greet him as your new sensei."
Before I can utter another word, he reverses the grip of our hands and leads me to stand in front of Orochimaru, who's been leaning against the Hokage's desk, watching and probably feeling awkward.
Or smug, I don't know.
"Congratulations to you, too, Orochimaru-kun. She's going to be your first student, is she not?"
Sakumo gives Orochimaru a smile as well and again I have to wonder how many of his smiles are actually shields he's been hiding behind. It breaks my heart to think about Sakumo like this.
"Thank you, senpai," Orochimaru says. His gaze lands on me. "I have high expectations."
Great. That's what I wanted to hear, of course.
Do you, by any chance, want to have this body and this pair of eyes, too, kind Sir?
"Alright," Sakumo says after a pause in which nobody says anything since it should have been my cue to start with the please take care of me, Sensei!-stuff and yeah, well, I didn't. In my defense, I think there's a frog in my throat. A really fat one.
"I'll leave you two to it then. Congratulations, again!"
Wait what, he's just going to leave me alone with the creepy snake?!
He tries to let go of my hand, but I'm. Not. Ready.
Sakumo looks slightly puzzled, our arms extended and my hand desperately clutching his.
Please, don't let go!
My face must be showing my panic because his reaction is immediate. He crouches down and puts his second hand on top of my death grip.
"Hey," he murmurs, his voice soft and reassuring. "You'll be fine, ok? You'll both be fine."
No. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know Orochimaru like I do.
"I'll be around and if you want to, I can still teach you Raiton jutsu when you're ready. That sound good to you?"
Why couldn't it have been Sakumo?
"Have faith in the Hokage's decision, Etsuko-chan. He's guided by the Will of Fire and knows what's best for all of us."
My jaw nearly hits the ground.
Does he really believe that?
Sakumo uses my moment of confusion to work his hands free. He stands up.
"Please take good care of her Orochimaru-kun. Consider it a favor owed."
Orochimaru nods in acknowledgement.
And with that, Sakumo gives me one last smile before turning around and walking through the door.
)()()(
The ordinary girl with the ordinary life had never felt the desperation of losing to Fate. "There are always options, always a choice," she had said to herself. "The only thing you need to do is to be prepared enough to make that choice."
Do I agree with her?
I used to, a long time ago.
Now, I'm not so sure anymore.
)()()(
I can feel him watching me watching the double doors fall shut. He doesn't say anything.
When I finally gather the nerve to turn around and face him, the sudden awareness of our proximity makes my hair stand on end. He's still leaning against the desk, his legs stretched out in front of him and crossed over each other, the light streaming in from the windows behind him casting shadows over his face.
It's reality.
I've been apprenticed to Orochimaru.
And there's nowhere to run.
"When was your last physical examination?"
The sound of his voice cuts cleanly into my thoughts, leaving no room for doubt that he's expecting an answer. The beating of my heart pounds heavy in my ears as I comply with his request.
"Right before my graduation exam, Orochimaru-san."
He tilts his head, his eyes still fixated on me. The intensity of his stare is burning straight through to the base of my skull.
"Aren't you supposed to call your teacher sensei?"
I'm starting to feel dizzy.
"Hn," he lets out when I again fail to follow up. "It matters little, I suppose."
He uncrosses his legs and stands up. The fabric of his dark grey yukata falls back in place with a slight rustle, covering his black pants. Standing straight and close like this, I realize for the first time how tall he is.
"Come," he says and makes for the door. I have to run to match his stride.
We leave the Hokage Tower and walk until we arrive at a complex that I know well by now. Orochimaru pays no attention to the nurse at the reception, not hesitating once as he navigates through a number of hallways until he comes to a stop in front of a door far away from the actual patient's wings. He knocks and before I can read what's on the nameplate, it swings open.
Everything inside me grows cold as I look up - straight into Tsunade's eyes.
)()()(
"Try to make choices that don't harm anybody", the girl learned. "And make sure that to harm someone is never the sole or true intent of your actions. There's already enough suffering and hurt that nobody ever meant to afflict: such is life. Do not seek to add to that burden."
)()()(
They are big and brown and I feel like I'm drowning.
An instant of eternity passes as we both stare at each other, paralyzed at the eye of a storm that has been brewing behind facades of sunlit playdates and the sound of children's laughter. A storm held under by clan meetings and revelations within the seemingly familiar. A storm waiting to finally break through and sweep over the illusion of normalcy that has been worked out so painstakingly - at a moment's notice.
That moment is now.
And I learn that hell hath no fury like the conscience of the guilty.
Nawaki, Regashi and I chasing after Kawaii.
Nawaki's intense hero-worship for Sakumo.
"Yeah, well if you prefer we leave you lying in a ditch there's nothing we can do, I guess. Wouldn't want to get in the way of our mighty Uchiha."
Nawaki's face when I tell him I'm an alien.
Nawaki coming to hug me in Akemi-chan's hospital room.
I can't remember his last words to me.
Maybe there were none.
What else have I forgotten? Do I even know - really, really know - how he died? What his last thoughts were? His last wish?.
What do I tell his sister?
How do I tell her that I misinterpreted my foreknowledge of canon events so badly that I took the most effective defense for the camp away? That I had the hubris to think that I knew what's best for my team? That I wasn't there, with them, with him, when we needed to be together the most?
How can she not hate me when I am the one who murdered her baby brother through the choices I failed to make?
The instant she takes a step closer, arms raised and gaze changing from wide-eyed shock to something else, I close my eyes and brace myself for the blow that is sure to come.
And why wouldn't I? I deserve it. I deserve whatever punishment she deems fitting.
I hear the sound of air being swiftly displaced, smell a faint whiff of something strongly alcoholic -
- and then I'm tightly surrounded by body heat and soft cloth.
I open my eyes in shock, paralyzed by the unexpectedness of it all and the tight embrace Tsunade has me in.
This - what -
Out of the corner of my eyes, I can see her dimly illuminated blonde hair.
It's really her.
Why? Why would she do this?
I can feel a slight tremble in her arms and hands. She moves them to cradle my head gently, and brings her face close to mine so that our foreheads touch.
Her eyes again make my entire world. I can see myself staring back from them.
I look tiny and scared.
"Etsuko-chan", she says. "Etsuko-chan, Etsuko-chan."
She closes her eyes for a moment again before loosening her embrace and standing up.
I have no idea what just happened.
"What do you need?" she asks, but her question is not directed at me.
Right, Orochimaru. Sidelined again. That would've been funny, at another time, another place.
"She's my student. I need her to be examined anew. Her last physical was at her graduation." Orochimaru's voice sounds clipped and completely neutral. If there was any emotion touched on his end, it's not showing. At that, I'm not surprised at least.
Tsunade nods and walks into her office, with us following suit. She signals me to sit on the exam table and fetches a few tools while Orochimaru gets comfortable leaning against the door.
Wait, does that mean -
He is going to stay?!
His gaze catches mine, confirming the lacking intent to leave the room.
I cross my arms.
Oh, I think the fuck not.
Tsunade walks up to me and raises her eyebrows when she realizes that my body language is pretty much the textbook example for 'closing yourself off and forming a kibaku-fuda-proof barrier'. She stops walking immediately.
"What's wrong?"
I don't want him in here, that's what's wrong.
What comes out instead is a small, miserable whine and some vigorous head shaking.
Oh yeah, nailed it.
I should consider holding lectures on how to ace persuasive argumentation.
Tsunade is still waiting but when she realizes that there isn't anything else coming, she inches closer. Slowly, eyes trained on me, checking my every reaction.
I stare right back, but don't protest. It's not her I have a problem with after all.
When she's almost close enough for my knees to touch she crouches down and looks up at me. "You wanna tell me something?" she asks, voice low as not to startle me.
Yeah I do.
My eyes dart towards Orochimaru who's watching us with an unmoving face. If it weren't for one slightly raised eyebrow I'd say he looks uninterested.
With him watching like that, I'm suddenly afraid to tell Tsunade. He won't like it.
Tsunade inches closer still.
"You can whisper into my ear," she says conspiratorially. "So it's only us that know."
Uh.
Well.
She's not wrong.
I lean down quickly before I can change my mind. "I don't want Orochimaru to be here for my physical," I whisper in a rush, only to sit up again and watch how she deals with this grand revelation.
Because now that I've said it out loud ... it does seem a bit silly. I know it makes sense for him to know my current physical condition, and, yet, I can't help but feel super uncomfortable. I hope Tsunade can tell and takes pity on me.
Said woman blinks once, twice. Thrice.
She's probably going to tell me that I'm ridiculous.
She nods, stands up and faces Orochimaru. "I need some privacy with my patient. Do you mind?"
My eyes are not the only ones that go wide and round with that request. With Orochimaru, that expression looks pretty comical.
"Did you just tell me to get out?" He furls the thin line of his eyebrows. "Out of the question. She's my student. I need to know."
"Nothing I can't tell you afterwards," Tsunade answers flippantly. "Now move, I have neither the time nor the nerve to argue with you right now."
The face Orochimaru is making at this exact moment is priceless. He's not angry, at least not that I can tell. He's just - utterly perplexed. Like he's never had someone ask him to leave.
Or maybe it's just that Tsunade's never done that?
"You - you're serious," he says.
"Of course I am." Tsunade makes a waving motion with her hand. "Now shoo. I have a patient to look after."
And then she turns to me, pointedly presenting Orochimaru her back.
And thus, the greatest villain of Narutoverse gets blown off like an annoying fly.
Tsunade gives me a tiny little smile while she collects my jaw from the floor. My teeth come back together with a loud klack.
Orochimaru's movements are stiff when he stands up.
"I'll be waiting outside," he says, still sounding like he got hit by a frying pan.
The noise of the door falling closed behind echoes loudly in the room.
And suddenly, we're alone.
)()()(
The girl came to know that sometimes, the overwhelming clamor of silent murmuring revealed deeper wounds than the loudest screams ever could.
)()()(
She steps back from me the moment Orochimaru has left. She has a pained expression in her eyes and cradles her chest in her arms.
"That whisper trick worked well for Nawaki, too, when he was little" she says, so softly that I almost don't understand her. "It always made him feel better about saying things that he didn't dare say out loud."
Oh.
What do I say in a situation like this? What do I do?
The moment passes.
Tsunade lets out a shuddering breath and I can see her literally pulling herself together. Her arms fall loosely down her sides.
"Let's get this started with, shall we?"
I nod. Can't say I'm not relieved about going back to businesses.
As she starts asking me all the questions typical for a physical, my mind enters a space pleasantly devoid of any and all emotions. It's a completely impersonal thing and I'm grateful for the clinical precision of Tsunade's work.
I've never felt more safe.
That probably says some worrying things about my psyche, but I'm too busy clinging to this status to care at the moment.
Near the end of the exam, when I have taken off my shirt to allow her to listen to my lungs and stuff—and oh boy it occurs to me that I'm really glad about Orochimaru leaving the room beforehand—she finally breaks the veneer of careful neutrality.
"You know, Nawaki was highly impressed by you and your abilities. He talked a lot about you. In fact, you were all he talked about when you joined the team."
She gives a little laugh that sounds like something delicate is breaking.
"I teased him about it. Mercilessly. I even made a bet with him. I bet that you were going to surpass him in ability by his next birthday. It was supposed to motivate him to train harder."
Oh no.
Oh fuck.
She finishes up and signals me to put my clothes back on.
"I have the worst luck in the entirety of the Elemental Nations. My bets never win. But this time, it did in a way, didn't it?"
I can't move.
"I keep thinking: if I hadn't made that stupid bet … could he be alive still? If I had joined the mission, would he have survived? If I had never found the antidote to the poison, would Team Hanako have been deployed at all?"
Silent sobs rip through her body.
"Ah, but I don't know do I? I don't know anything, anything at all. All this training, all the studying and I still don't know anything that could have saved my little brother. Or my sensei's son. Or you."
She looks at me, her big brown eyes shining with tears.
"Instead, I'm only burdening you, a genin barely half a year out of the academy, who has lost her entire team on that day. It's pathetic, isn't it?"
She lets out a short joyless laugh, takes two steps away and turns her back on me. I see her shoulders heaving in silent grief.
"Go," she says weakly, "go and tell your sensei that you're fine and that I'll write out a full report later. Tell him I'm sorry that I cannot do more right now."
My head feels strange. There's a slight buzzing in my ears.
She …
She doesn't blame me.
I watch dazedly as she moves behind her desk and proceeds to fumble for something in what I presume are the lower drawers until she appears back up again, a bottle in one hand and a small ceramic cup. She furrows her brows when she sees me.
"You're still here," she says, but it doesn't sound reproachful.
Alcohol. She's started to look there for consolation, just like her canon counterpart.
"It's not your fault," I blurt out, "there's nothing you could have done." There's more that I want to add-not yours, it's mine, it's my fault, he died believing me, they both did-but the sounds never make it past my throat.
Coward.
Her eyes are still trained on me as her lips twist into a bitter smile, her hand lifting up a cup full of liquid oblivion in a mock toast.
"Don't I already know."
)()()(
Time heals all wounds, they say. The ordinary girl in her ordinary life would probably find proof for that theory at some point and validate it with an experience of her own.
Unfortunately, I'm not there, yet.
If you still ask my opinion though: I think time can hurry the fuck up. For everybody's sake.
)()()(
Orochimaru is leaning against the corridor wall opposite of Tsunade's office. He watches me like a hawk as I step out and suddenly, I feel the urge to close the door with utmost care, free of noise and as perfect as possible.
Before now, I wasn't even aware there was a perfect way to close a door.
And naturally, as the clutz that I am, I fail miserably. Getting parts of my shirt between the door and the doorframe makes sure of that.
I spent half an eternity fumbling around until my shirt is out of the way and the door closed and by then I have died approximately two dozen deaths by embarrassment. I swallow as I finally turn around to face him.
He looks duly unimpressed at my display.
"The results?" he asks at length.
"Um," I start. Elaborate, I know, thanks. "I'm fine. Tsunade wants me to tell you that you'll get further details in written form."
His eyebrows go up at that, but at first, he doesn't say anything. He takes a couple of seconds to make a decision.
"You're dismissed for today. I expect you tomorrow at dawn on training field 18 for further evaluations."
Oh.
That's not what I was anticipating. But — gift horse's mouth and all that.
I bow down.
"Understood, Orochimaru-san," I say, and after a little pause, "... sensei."
He nods.
I'm off in a flash, and just before I turn around the corner, I see him standing before Tsunade's door, hand resting on the knob and ready to push.
I wonder if she'll let him stay.
)()()(
The sound of children's laughter brightens up the air long before I arrive back at where I left my brothers and the Ame Trio. A few moments later, the visuals catch up - and I can't help but smile at the sight.
Obito and Kakashi are seated on one of the twin dogs each, having the time of their lives while chasing down Konan and Yahiko. Nagato is sitting a bit apart, watching the chase with rapt attention. I decide to join him.
"Etsuko-chan," he greets me with a happy little smile. "You're back!"
"Yeah, I'm sorry it took so long. Though it looks like Haruka and Misaki have everything taken care of."
He nods enthusiastically. "They are amazing. They look like they could be Chibi's family."
Chibi? Who is that?
Nagato answers my question before I can ask. "Chibi was my dog." His voice goes quiet. "He died."
Oh. I think I remember.
The little stray dog that Nagato picked up before he met Konan and Yahiko. I think he died in the crossfire of some battle in Ame.
This world is cruel. And today, it seems even more so.
"I'm sorry for your dog."
So inadequate.
And yet, Nagato smiles, his head tilted so the curtain of his hair falls aside, revealing his eyes. "He's somewhere safe now. And we will always remember him." The purple rings of his Rinnegan almost glow from the warmth within, lighting up his whole face and softening the curve of his smile.
It catches me completely off-guard -
It takes my breath away.
There is something indescribably, infinitely precious, happening here and Icannot stop looking, drinking in every detail until I forget everything else around me.
This, too, belongs to today.
"Etsuko-chan, are you alright?"
I need a few moments to realize that Nagato is talking to me, voice sounding a little uncertain on account of my sudden muteness and wide-eyed staring.
I blink a couple times and smile reassuringly.
"I'm fine, don't worry. Just … noticed something, is all."
He hesitates, but when he sees that I mean what I'm saying, he relaxes. "We should tell the others you're here. They haven't realized, yet."
I nod but before I get up to tackle one of the kids something else occurs to me.
"Say, why are you sitting here all on your own?"
Nagato shrugs good-naturedly. "Oh, I was defeated."
Uh.
"Umm … ok?"
"We're playing a game in which Yahiko is an evil Lord, Konan is a princess and I was the samurai guarding the princess. Kakashi-chan and Obito-chan are Lords, too, but the good ones, with Haruka and Misaki as their companions. They wanted to save the princess."
Ohhhh, I loved these kind of games when I was little.
"Then Kakashi and Obito succeeded, I guess?"
Nagato grins. "Kind of. Konan said she was able to smuggle a knife into her cell, ambushed me, freed herself and has now joined up with Kakashi-chan and Obito-chan to overthrow evil Lord Yahiko."
Oh my gawd.
This is hilarious.
I burst out laughing, hard enough that I have to wipe away tears.
Nagato doesn't seem to be peeved at the fact that he was kicked out of the game in such an inglorious fashion, on the contrary; he seems rather proud of his accomplishment.
"It's so nice to see you laugh like this, Etsuko-chan," he says.
Oh.
I … I see. That's why.
I have to look away as my face heats up in embarrassment, though I can't really stop grinning. The good mood is too persistent.
I'll have to surrender to it, I guess.
It's easy, too. It's easy to fall into the kids' bright and cheerful bubble, let myself float on that island of innocence and happiness and forget all the sorrow and fear surrounding it. I know that it can only be momentarily, that it can be gone in an instant, but it's here right now and basking in it feels good.
It feels so good.
Until the brightness and the warmth ebb away to make place for a soft glow and ambiguous shadows, until the Ame Trio has to leave to do Academy homework, until Kakashi gets escorted away by Haruka and Misaki when Sakumo fails to show up, Obito's tiny hand in mine and Yashiro's house cool and distant.
That's when the shadows grow stronger again.
That's when the bubble starts to crack.
)()()(
"I'm glad you could make it, Etsuko-chan," Kagami says with an expression of genuine delight as he ushers me into his home, to the dining room.
"Of course," I reply. "We had an agreement."
I follow him into a room with a low table and traditional zabuton on the tatami-covered ground. Laid out are four sets of tableware, bowls and plates with food that smells absolutely heavenly and small cups currently being filled with tea by a woman with curly hair that's separated into two ponytails and reaches below her shoulders.
Another woman is sitting at the far end of the table, her deeply purple, wavy hair making her identity unmistakable. My heart rate instantly goes up.
"Naori-san!"
She turns her head to face me.
"Etsuko-chan," she says, a graceful smile on her lips. "It's good to see you."
The other woman has finished filling the tea cups and turns around, too. "Etsuko-chan, welcome! I've been looking forward to meeting you." Her eyes make little upturned Us as she smiles.
I instantly like her.
"Etsuko-chan," Kagami says, "meet my daughter Sumiko, the person I wanted to introduce you to."
Pure-thinking child.
Makes sense that someone aware of the Uchiha Curse chooses a name like this for their offspring.
I bow down. "Please take care of me, Sumiko-san."
"Such a polite child," Sumiko marvels. "Now sit down, all of you. There's food to be eaten."
Yeah, I definitely like her.
We settle down around the table and start digging in, fortunately without much decorum and formalities. I guess they're just as hungry as I am. Ninja-ing is hard work, after all. Even when not on duty.
After today, I say especially when not on duty.
"So," Sumiko says after we've had our first couple mouthfuls each, "I hear you went to the last clan meeting. Liking our circle of old and wise men yet?" She winks at me with a mischievous grin.
"Who wouldn't," Naori says in a deadpan.
Sumiko coughs discreetly.
But Naori is not finished. "What's not to love about a bunch of men who are not interested in anything about you but your marriage potential until you show them your potential as a weapon of mass destruction instead?"
Uh.
Is she mad?
I mean, I'm kinda touched, but-
Kagami is part of that illustrious circle of old and wise men.
He is sitting right there.
I mean, I totally believe him to be more open-minded than the rest of them, what with having broken through the Curse of Hatred and yada yada. However, it's not quite the same as being ready to accept harsh criticism like this, especially since it's aimed at a mentality and an institution that dates back to well before the foundation of Konoha. Experience from both lives has taught me that people do not part easily with ways that have somewhat successfully carried them up to the present.
Kagami puts down his chopsticks.
"Naori," he begins gravely, "I understand that you're upset. And while I agree that we have our work cut out doing right by Etsuko, I ask you to be patient. Change is coming, but the clan needs to time to adjust."
"Not fast enough," Naori says in a dangerously low drawl.
I am quite taken aback by the sudden fierceness in her behavior. It's so crass compared to her usual poise. Again, I have the distinct feeling that I'm missing some vital sub- and context.
"This kind of thinking is the exact same kind that got us into the Mangekyou Crisis. Harnessing power for power's sake-we should be past it. We should have learned from our mistakes. But here we are again, ready to jump at the first opportunity to develop some kind of super weapon."
OK, I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about, but this sounds personal.
Does she see herself in me?
"It's not like that," Kagami says quietly. "And I'll do my part to make sure it won't ever be."
Naori draws in a deep breath.
And is promptly interrupted by the soft chime of a door bell.
"Oh," Sumiko says. "I'll get the door."
She gets up and disappears down the hall.
"Did you invite someone else?" Naori asks Kagami with a raised eyebrow.
Kagami frowns. "No."
We hear voices coming down and shortly before the screen to the dining room slides open, Naori expression shifts into icy indifference.
"Thank you, Sumiko-chan," a terrifyingly familiar voice says. "I can take it from here." There's the muted sound of a walking cane coming down on the tatami mats.
My blood freezes in my veins.
"Good evening, Naori-san. Kagami, my old friend. And you of course, Etsuko-chan."
Kagami inclines his head.
"What brings you here, Danzou?"
)()()(
I'm pretty sure that the ordinary girl would agree with me when I say that this is a situation that sucks major balls.