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Boring disclaimer you can probably skip: All rights to Twilight belong to literally everyone but myself. That's an exaggeration... All rights belong to Stephanie Meyer.

Waking up the next morning was not a fun experience.

There was a pounding in my head, someone relentlessly knocking on my eyelids as if they were closed doors. When I finally opened my eyes just to get the throbbing to stop, the light made me forget the pain as it brought forth a new set of problems. One, my eyes were extremely sensitive as I had just woken up. Two, the sun was very high in the sky, as I could see from our very large motel window.

I sat up in bed, ignoring the ache, and looked around the room. No Alice. I walked over to the door and opened it, heading straight through the living area to Rosalie's room. The door was open and I peeked in. No Rosalie. Where are they?

Sighing to myself, I made my way back to my shared room with Alice, deciding it would be best to look for them once the desire to vomit had passed. I remembered nothing from the previous night except for a flash of a friendly-looking guy my mind said was George. What would have possessed me to talk to someone that old? In a bar, no less?

Alice and Rosalie had clearly brought my drunk self back to the motel, which was a kindness in itself. They could've easily just left me sitting alone to make a fool of myself. But they wouldn't do that. Of course, the annoying little voice in my head spoke. But they did… Inner voice-me trailed off and I shoved her aside as I always did when she popped up. That was the part of me that wasn't too keen on my decision to forgive the Cullens.

The curtains were drawn and the window was open, allowing for the cold air to chill my skin. "Damnit," I cursed as I marched over to the window and pulled the screen down. "Vampires," I scoffed, rolling my eyes as I walked to the dresser and pulled out a random, somewhat matching outfit. I knew Rose and Alice could feel the cold, and I wondered if that's why they purposefully opened the window. Did they think that would be an effective, pleasant way to wake up? Perhaps I should give them a course on human niceties.

After showering and getting dressed, I reached for my phone, and just before my finger touched the screen, it lit up and began buzzing. At first, I thought it was Alice, because the timing was so spot-on, but I realized with a frown that it was Carlisle. Why was he calling me? I answered, concerned that something had happened. Why else would he call me? "Hello?" I asked, more than a hint of worry to my tone.

I heard a sigh so light I believed he hadn't actually meant to. Or maybe I wasn't supposed to hear it. Either way, I did. "Bella," he said, his tone betraying nothing, which is exactly why it gave away everything. When he used that voice I knew he was trying to hide his true emotions, making me all the more concerned. "I have to admit, I'm worried."

Well, that certainly wasn't what I had been expecting. "Huh?" was my eloquent response.

"You didn't call back after the line was disconnected. Neither did Alice or Rosalie."

I gulped and blurted before thinking, as I often tended to do, "Last night?" My voice was a little too high and a little too squeaky. Unfortunately for me, the things I saw as 'little' were much more obvious to Carlisle.

"Yes." Well if he wasn't suspicious before, he definitely was now. What did I say to him? How can I not screw this up and give myself away? "If my ears weren't deceiving me, I'd say you were drunk." Oh yeah. Yes, of course Carlisle would notice; the vampire doctor with centuries of caring for unhealthy and sick humans under his belt. But was I one of them? No. Yet he noticed.

I sat on the bed, trying to find a way to save myself from damnation when Alice walked into the room. Part of me was tempted to mute the call so I could ask for her help and perhaps where she had been, but I knew Carlisle would note the change from almost silent to totally silent. Favor was on my side for the first time since I woke as Alice held her phone up, and it was set to the notes app. On it she had written: "You asked, 'Hey Carlisle, how many-' before Rosalie saved you."

Nodding, I spoke into the phone, instantly regretting my not-so-well-thought-out words, "I guess your ears are deceiving you." Across from me, Alice smacked her palm against her forehead. "I was going to ask," I began, hesitating for a split-second - which I hoped he only thought I was trying to remember my question and not coming up with a lie - before continuing, "Well, I was thinking through this vampire thing and I was wondering how many times and how long it would take hunting multiple times a day before I would acclimate to the diet." Yes, an excellent lie. Especially throwing in the word 'acclimate'; Carlisle loves big, fancy words.

He took the bait, his voice losing the remnants of doubt and suspicion as he began his long-winded explanation of how my body processes would adapt to the change. I felt more awkward than when Charlie tried to have the talk with me just before I turned fourteen. Carlisle obviously couldn't do that, so I guess this was his substitute. Finally, after checking the clock and seeing that he had somehow managed to talk about how my internal organs will rot for half an hour, we exchanged goodbyes.

By that time, Rose had arrived and helped Alice put away the contents of the suspiciously large amount of bags they brought in, both laughing at my expense as they could every word their father uttered. I powered my phone off, still shocked and horrified as some of the more visual parts of his explanation burned into my brain. Hopefully that experience will be left behind with my human life. Collapsing onto the bed, I stared at the ceiling feeling like I was recovering from a traumatizing event. Who's to say it wasn't, though?

One of my soon-to-be sisters giggled in my direction but I was too lost in my own mind to look. Listen, I loved Carlisle, just as I loved them all, but surely he understood that ninety-nine percent of that conversation could've been avoided and I could've been saved many, many, many disturbing mental images. I mean, come on, did he really have to go in detail about how my heart will inevitably come up with the food I'll be forced to eat and puke? I shuddered, and then I heard another obnoxious giggle, causing me to sit up so fast that I heard an audible snap in the air around me.

"You think this is funny?" I hissed to both of them, uncaring who was the culprit behind the giggling. "I'm going to be scarred for life!" They grinned at me and I huffed. At least they stopped giggling like five-year-olds.

"If I'm being honest-" You usually are, Rose, I thought with a mental grumble. "-I've gotta say you deserved it."

"Excuse me?"

Rose rolled her eyes and tossed her blonde hair - that was in a ponytail today - over her shoulder. "You called him when you were drunk. Your sobriety, or lack thereof, almost blew this entire operation. Be thankful you had a chance to rectify your mistake."

"At the sake of my innocence!" I whined dramatically.

Rosalie laughed. "No wonder you and Edward are together. You are so like him."

Though her eyes twinkled and danced with amusement, my playfulness vanished faster than the speed of light. Everything involving Edward seemed to set me off, and I tried to reel in my questionable anger, but I couldn't. 'Like Edward?' I am nothing like him! I am not a controlling, manipulative bastard! My own thoughts seemed to stop me short. Rose had probably meant it as a joke, or maybe even a compliment since she used to think we were no good for each other, but I couldn't see past the crooked smile that had led me into that goddamn forest. My fingers moved to my hair, pulling the strands away from my face. "Why am I so angry?!"

My sudden outburst caused both Alice and Rose to jump, their faces morphed into an expression of shock that would've been humorous at any other point in time.

"What do you mean?" Alice asked quietly, her bell-like voice filled with concern and a trace of remaining surprise.

Her question made me pause. A realization washed over me that added to my fury. I hadn't told anyone of my thoughts or feelings, even hiding them from Jasper when he was nearby, because I was afraid to turn Edward and the family away. Again. And that they would leave me. Again. He still does it! Even when he doesn't know he's doing it. He's still controlling my actions because of the past hurt he's caused. I can't do anything to tell him or anyone how I feel because I'm afraid they will leave again.

And, even knowing I should let it out and tell Alice and Rose of my fears and insecurities, my brain worked faster than my heart, blurting untruths that sent pang after pang to my chest. "Carlisle!" I exclaimed, though it felt like watching someone else speak. What was I even saying? "He's telling me all about the inner workings of the vampire body like a human father would a human child. Well, he's not my father!" Yet, even after the words left my mouth I knew it was the opposite.

Carlisle was the father I had always wanted, the father Charlie had tried to be in the months before the Cullens left. For that small sliver of time, those few months where I moved in and spent time with him, I had a father again. Then he gave up. He left me just like the Cullens had. But, in a way, it was worse because he was still there. I could see him but I couldn't reach him. Everything in me didn't want to believe that Charlie could so easily give up on me, and so I lashed out and blamed the one person that was there for me. Only he wasn't because he also left me.

By the renewed expressions of shock on both Alice and Rose's faces, I knew I had said my internal monologue out loud. My face flamed and one of the phoniest, fakest smiles grew on my face and it made me want to hurl. "How pathetic am I?" I said. "What kind of selfish person do I have to be to love them both, hate them both, and somehow hold on to them at the same time?"

"It's not selfish," Rosalie spoke, surprising me. The fact that she had contributed to the conversation without being snarky or sarcastic was shocking, yes, but what caught me off guard was how small and quiet her voice sounded. "My human father practically sold me off as property, and Carlisle brought me into a world I didn't want. Yet I still wanted them both, even as low as I regarded them in my eyes."

I didn't know too much about Rosalie's past beyond the circumstances surrounding her change, and to hear about it now, especially from a vulnerable Rose, was almost unbearable. Luckily, the ember behind her eyes was beginning to reignite. "It's not selfish. Not to love the first and hate the second. Sometimes I think you can't have one without the other. I believe that if you can hate someone, you can love them, and if you can love, you can hate."

The fire in her eyes was now roaring, and Rose spoke with a burning passion. "So, I say it's not selfish to hate and love them both. Both emotions are stronger than anything else, and its grip on your heart refuses to lessen your grip on them," Rosalie smiled.

"But there's only so much room in a heart for war. One day, you'll have to let go of one of them." Some part of me told me that even after all this time, she was still hinting towards my choosing Charlie, choosing a human life over an immortal one; she was talking about more than just my fathers. But now, I could tell she was truly handing me the reins, letting me choose on my own instead of guiding me to the path she wanted me to take. "Acceptance is the only way you'll be able to do that," she continued. "Find a way to make peace with your emotions, and only then will you be able to let go."

It was only Alice's tiny arms snaking around my waist that I realized I had fallen into an embrace with Rosalie. When I pulled back, my tears were glistening on Rose's hand as if they were hers and that she'd wiped them from her face.

I stood awkwardly, completely and totally aware that I had just all but broken down in front of two of the Cullens. They comforted me and had not left as that part of me still feared. But it was about my confliction between Carlisle and Charlie, not Edward. Would they leave if they found out that the scale of love and hatred toward him was tipping toward the latter?

So I decided to test the waters.

"Would you guys be hurt if I told you the way I felt about Carlisle, I felt about you all?"

There was a definite stillness that partially answered my question, but I needed to know. I couldn't get words out of my mouth and I was forced to wait for one of them to speak. Eventually, one did.

"It hurts, but I can't stop you from feeling what you feel," answered Alice.

Her face was fallen and she looked so incredibly sad that I could not help but explain myself. "Charlie and Carlisle," I started. "It's the same with Renée and Esme, you and Mike, Rose and Leah. Emmett and Jasper kind of go with Seth and Jacob." A bitter chuckle escaped me. "Why do I have to choose?"

"You don't have to," Alice said quietly, at my side. I looked around and noticed I was now leaning against the wall, where I sat on the floor. Alice was on my left and Rosalie my right.

"But I do," I disagreed. "This is what it boils down to. God, Edward begged me to think this through, but all I could think about was being with him. It was a mistake to continue as we were before and not address the very large elephant in the room. You left, and now you're back, and now I have to choose between Charlie and Mike, Seth and Leah, Jacob; all of them… and you."

Rose sighed, her hand clasping mine. "I'm sorry you have to choose." The blunt acknowledgment was oddly encouraging. There was no beating around the bush, or hopping over unturned stones; it was right there, out in the open.

We sat in silence for a while, each of us content to lose ourselves in our thoughts. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't sort through all the ups and downs, and what I would lose and gain with this decision. Especially not with Alice and Rosalie sitting right next to me. Eventually, I spoke. "Could I get a few hours to myself? Please?"

From the bags, I could tell they had already gone shopping, and I felt terrible for asking for time alone on a weekend that Alice planned. But a choice had to be made, and soon. If I didn't decide now, I would never get to it and by the time I did choose, Edward would have found another way to completely avoid the situation. Even if I changed my mind, I wanted it to be on my terms, not his.

Both Alice and Rose began to stand up, so I put a hand on each of their shoulders. "No. You guys already spent the day out. You have fun with the clothes you bought. I'm gonna go for a walk."

Alice's eyes immediately became tinged with worry. "Are you sure?" she asked worriedly. There was something else she wanted to say, I could tell, but she closed her mouth and nodded. She didn't have a vision to sway her decision - her eyes were always an indicator - and I wondered why that was.

I stood, along with the both of them, and they hugged me and smiled at me, making me think this was goodbye and that I would come back to an empty motel room. I quickly shut down those thoughts before they could run away from me, and I watched as they each grabbed a copious amount of clothes and darted into the separate bathrooms - the master bedroom had one attached, of course.

Before I left, I grabbed a pack of smokes from the drawer of the nightstand and tucked it inside my jacket. Now that my decision to become a vampire was suddenly not so set-in-stone, I briefly wondered if I should stop smoking.

No. I'm already on the path of destruction; like a boulder rolling down a steep hill. No matter what path I take, the trees will become crushed either way. Best just to get it over with.

I left the room - feeling for the key in my pocket to ensure I wouldn't get locked out, even if my vampire roomies could hear me a mile away - and headed down the stairs and out of the motel. Despite it being mid-April, the air was oddly cold. I always hated the cold.

Yes, I'm aware of the irony.

I headed down the street, my hands stuffed in my pockets, and moved along the sidewalk until I reached the heart of Seattle. From there, I chose a direction and walked.

And all the while, I felt the odd sensation as if there was someone watching me.

Who is it?

As always, I'd really appreciate it if you would write a quick review and let me know what you think!

If you're a student, good luck with finals week. If you're an employee, good luck with the Christmas rush.

"Let's deck the halls and fa la la la la." - Emily Fields.

15 - Written: 12/14/21

Posted - 12/19/21