Lovely Arrangements
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Year 1 Month 11
The unexpected kiss lingered in the air of their home, and both fought hard to squash it away. The easy companionship they had developed over the last several months became strained, and both reverted back to two strangers who happened to live together.
Caitlin was more evident with this change. She would go out of her way to avoid him. She felt embarrassed. Almost ashamed for what happened, and even though they had both been willing participants, she felt responsible for the situation getting out of hand.
Barry was quieter, more serious and recused himself to his room on most days, instead of the living room. The place where they both shared memories, laughs, and even fights. He wasn't upset with her, far from it. He was angry at himself for that moment of weakness.
He'd been thinking long and hard about all the events that led to them kissing and came to one logical conclusion: human desire.
It only made sense that after living with a woman for so long she would evoke those feelings in him. It was normal, natural, biological even. Should they really feel bad about it? He wondered.
"Sir," his PA said from the door. "This came in for you."
"Thank you Jessie."
She nodded and took her leave.
An envelope from a travel agency came. He frowned, annoyed at the insistence of this organization. It was probably the tenth promotional pamphlet he received. When would they understand that Barry Allen just didn't have the desire for an overseas adventure?
{-}
If Jade were still alive, she would be her confidante, minus a few PG-13 details, Caitlin reminded herself. A pang of pain crashed through her. The memory of that little girl, her dear friend, would stay with her for as long as she was alive.
"Everything alright Caitlin?" Cisco asked as he closed up his computer. Jax and Wally had already left for the day.
She was pulled out of her musings, "Yeah. Yes. Yes it is," she said a bit out of it.
Cisco eyed her suspiciously, "Right. And that's why you've been looking at a black screen for almost half an hour."
"What?" Sure enough she turned to her computer and it was in sleep mode. She groaned out of frustration.
"Let me guess," he said, ever the expert, "this has something to do with our favorite doctor."
She dropped her head on her desk miserably, "Yes," she mumbled.
Not surprised. "What did he do this time?"
"It wasn't just him," she said softly.
"What was that again?" He wasn't sure he heard clearly.
"It wasn't just him," she said more firmly.
Cisco nodded slowly but his eyes snapped open when he processed her words. "What!?" He asked in a higher octave than intended.
"Oh Cisco, I don't know what to do."
"Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight," he pulled a chair closer to her and she sat up to be at eye level, "You and Barry," she nodded, "you and Barry…" he pulled his two index fingers together in front of the woman.
She nodded.
He almost fainted.
"Wow!" He stood up and started pacing, "Wow, wow, wow, I can't believe this, it hasn't even been a year."
"I know!" She said in despair, "I wasn't planning on it I promise!"
"I don't know what to think anymore," Cisco said to himself, "I was beginning to think Barry was asexual. Well he sure proved me wrong."
"I mean the night was magical," the auburn haired woman began, "maybe it was the wine—"
"—Oh, ho, ho, how the mighty have fallen," he had more ammo to tease his old friend now.
"Or maybe it was a lapse of judgment—"
"—He's never going to hear the end of it," Cisco began plotting teasing scenarios.
"I just can't believe I kissed him…"
What did she just say?
"We were at home and he was nothing short of charming that night," she began reminiscing on the romantic memory, "I just thought, no," she shook her head, "I wasn't thinking, that's the problem"
Did she say kiss?
"I shouldn't have kissed him," she ended.
"You kissed him," Cisco confirmed.
"Yes!"
"A kiss," he said to himself.
"I know! I don't know what happened, one moment I was giving him back his coat and the next I just...we just...we kissed…"
"And that's all that happened?"
The woman nodded, "Yes. And now I can't even look at him. What do I do Cisco?"
Well that put a damper on all of his plans. "A kiss is no big deal Caitlin, you're both adults, it's normal," he tried to reassure her.
"I don't know, everything has been so awkward since then."
"I thought you guys got along better," he said without a trace of malice. He was, after all, the only person, or one out of two people, that knew about Caitlin and Barry's particular arrangement.
"Precisely why I'm trying to fix this whole thing."
"Has he been acting weird around you?"
"It's hard for me to say, I've been avoiding him like the plague," she confessed, "and I have a feeling he has done some avoiding as well."
Interesting. Cisco filed that bit of information away. It was unlike Barry to avoid and not confront head on. "The best thing you can do is talk to him," he placed a friendly hand on her shoulder.
"What should I tell him?" She asked.
"Tell him how you feel about it," Cisco said wisely, "the kiss I mean."
"How I feel?" She pondered softly.
{-}
She was so thankful Barry had to stay behind for work and she could get home and have some time to think about what she would say.
What could she really say?
Hey Barry, you know that kiss we shared the other day? Well I wanted to tell you that was wrong. It was a mistake. Should've never happened. It doesn't matter how right it felt or how dreamy you were that night, and how I couldn't hold back from — Wait. What was she getting at again?
She started pacing in the living room. "From the top Caitlin," she muttered to herself.
"Yo Barry!" No, that was too casual.
"Bartholemew, please take a seat, there is something we must discuss," too serious.
"Barry my buddy!" too intimate.
She groaned in despair. This shouldn't be that hard!
"Caitlin, we need to talk,"
Yes! That would work. Wait. Why did she say Caitlin and not Barry?
She whipped her head around to see Barry already putting his scarf away.
"Barry, you're here," she said with a mixture of surprise and embarrassment.
He put his jacket away, "Yes, I've been here for a while now."
Well that was just great. "How much did you hear?" She asked tentatively.
The doctor walked towards the kitchen and came back with two glasses of water.
"Just about everything, I would say," he stated as a matter of fact.
She wondered what were the probabilities of the earth opening up and swallowing her whole right now.
"Figured I would save you the trouble."
They both took seats on opposite couches.
"So…" she started.
"We kissed," he stated.
"Right."
Some awkward silence ensued.
She looked at her glass as if it would spill the secrets of the universe at any moment.
"And that's fine."
"I'm so sorry! I don't know what I was thinking! It was probably the wi—" Wait. Did he just say… "it's fine?"
She was expecting for him to be upset and give her a manifesto of why that should never happen again.
He nodded as if it was the most natural thing in the world, "Yes."
"And you're not about to tell me the million reasons why kissing is wrong?" She eyed him suspiciously.
"No," he took a sip of his water, "I thought about it for a while, and understood why it happened, so it's nothing we should worry about."
"Why did it happen then?" She asked genuinely curious to hear his explanation.
"Biology," he said as if it was common knowledge.
"We kissed because of biology?" She re-stated to make sure she understood what he was saying.
"Exactly," he confirmed. "We've been living together for almost a year. As two healthy young adults of the opposite sex, it's normal our biology would play a factor into our human desires," and he said that with the same tone one would use to talk about the weather.
"Our biology," she nodded.
He looked at her trying to gauge her reaction, but it seemed she was still digesting his words, "Or do you think it's something else?" he asked.
She quickly waved her hands in front of her, "Nope, it's biology. Yep. It all makes sense now," she nodded emphatically.
"Good, I'm glad that is settled."
"Phew, me too," she breathed out a sigh of relief. "I'm so happy we talked about this, it's been bothering me for so long and I wasn't sure how to bring it up."
"You should feel comfortable talking about it,"
She smiled, "Thank you Barry, it means a lot to me to have a fri—"
"Business theory says that an open door policy with employees strengthens the relationship and allows for a better understanding and performance."
Her smile dropped and she suppressed a self-deprecatory laugh. Typical Barry.
"Well now that that's settled," she began, "we can both agree that it will never happen again," her words were resolute.
His response was earth shattering silence.
{-}
Doctor Henry Allen was such a fatherly figure to Caitlin. She had a lot of respect for him. He was kind, good natured, had great advice, and was understanding. Frankly, Caitlin really liked him. However, when he was remotely mentioned Barry would shut down. He became silent, distant, annoyed bordering on angry, and more often than not he would tell her to mind her own business.
She knew that if she wanted peace, she would avoid bringing up the elder doctor. After all, the agreement that they made was only that she would be legally married to her current husband for three years. No messy divorce settlements, there was a prenup for that. Caitlin couldn't help, however, wanting to understand how their relationship became so strained.
Over the last several months, she'd seen a different side of Barry. A softer, more caring side of him. That she knew he had to have, and became sure of it after meeting his father. Barry may not admit it, but there was a lot of his father in him, much more than just physical resemblance.
She was surprised when Dr. Henry Allen himself asked her out for lunch.
"Sir, I have to say, this is a nice little spot," she said as she eyed the homey establishment.
"I have to agree," the older man said with a good natured smile.
Caitlin sat on her chair and looked around briefly, "Now will their food live up to the hype?"
"We'll have to wait and see," he said with a fatherly smile.
Soon after, they engaged in an amicable conversation about the mundane things of life. Ordered their food —it did live up to expectations. After they were satisfied and a comfortable silence had passed Caitlin asked.
"I'd like to know why you asked me to lunch?" Save for a few calls she had with the older man, he generally kept his distance. She was certain it was out of respect to his son.
Henry chuckled. As he predicted, Barry had met his match. "You got me."
"This is about Barry, I presume."
"And you would be right."
She nodded, "So how can I help?"
"Well," he began calmly, and his once friendly eyes became hollow, sad, and tired. Whatever it was that he was about to tell her, Caitlin knew it wouldn't be good. "It will soon be Nora's anniversary."
"I'm afraid to ask, but who's Nora?"
Dr. Allen gave her a self-deprecating smile, "So he hasn't told you," he realized. "Nora is Barry's mother, my late wife."
"I see," that made perfect sense. If Barry had a hard time speaking about his father, she could only imagine how difficult it would be to speak of his mother. After the first time she was brought up —the day she met his father— there hasn't been a mention of her.
"I know it's unfair of me to ask," Henry said calmly, "but maybe Barry will be more inclined to listen to you, than this old man."
She had an idea of where this conversation was going, but allowed the man to continue.
"I want him to go visit his mother's grave."
She started to get a queasy feeling in her stomach.
"It's been almost eleven years, and he has not visited her once," he took a sip from his coffee and looked at the people passing by, "I'm sure that's because of me."
Even his voice was laced with sorrow.
"If you don't mind me asking, what happened?" She had to know. The few interactions between Barry and his father were professional but cold. However, when she mentioned or even alluded to his father when they were alone, he reacted as if she had punched him in the face.
Henry let out a sigh. "It was a long time ago. My son was in medical school at the time," he began. "Nora had been diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after Barry left to Gotham for school. Meanwhile, I was expanding the medical business here in Central City."
So far she followed the story, nothing seemed out of place. Save for Nora's cancer diagnosis. "Breast cancer is treatable," she ventured to say.
"There is treatment, it doesn't mean that it eradicates the cancer all the time," the doctor said softly. "Barry would come and visit and Nora would put her best face forward. She didn't want him to know about her situation, didn't want to stop him from achieving his dreams she said."
"And then?"
"Well, unfortunately for us, her cancer was relentless and it was spreading through her body," he was speaking as if he was looking at the pained face of his wife, "We tried all kinds of treatment: chemo, radiation, pills, injections, even natural medicine. But nothing was working."
Even though she knew Nora's fate, how her father-in-law was narrating the events, made her heart break in anticipation.
"It so happened that my Barry got so engrossed in his studies, that he couldn't come home for almost a year, and when he was able to come back…"
She held her breath waiting for the rest.
"...it was too late."
"Dad, what happened?" An out of breath Barry rushed into the oncology ward.
Henry looked down, unable to meet his son's anxious and worried eyes.
"Where's mom?" He pleaded.
"Son I…"
"Dr. Allen, we need you in here," a fellow doctor urged. "We're losing her."
Barry looked from the doctor to his father, "Is she talking about mom? Dad I have to see her!"
"Barr—"
"Dr. Allen, now," the doctor stressed.
Henry turned around and was heading in the direction of the operating room. Before he could take two steps he felt Barry's hand pull at him.
"Save her please," Barry said on the verge of tears. "Please save her, I'll do anything! Anything you want me to, just save her!"
Nora didn't make it.
Barry couldn't say goodbye.
And Henry had failed them both.
"Ever since that day, we haven't seen eye to eye," Henry ended, "my son hates me, and if it's not business, he refuses to meet or talk to me."
Now all the puzzle pieces came together for her. The hatred, the far away looks. How it was so easy for him to sympathize with her when Jade passed. That moment, that loss, defined the man she knows today.
"I'm sorry for everything that transpired," she said sincerely, " but there's something I need to say."
The older man looked at her waiting for her next words.
"Barry had a right to know," while she sympathized with the elder doctor, she could understand Barry's perspective. Her dad also tried to hide his illness. She would have been none the wiser had she not come across the medical bills. "He should have been given a chance to make his own choices. Whether that involved career advancement at Gotham, or coming home to take care of his mother for the time she had left," she said softly but firmly, "it was his choice, and you took that away from him."
Henry looked at the woman facing him. Surprised at her words. He surely wasn't expecting that reaction. Yet, it made him come to terms with understanding his son's perspective. Understand that he did have the right to know. In their efforts to spare their son suffering and impede his dreams, they caused him even greater pain. A pain so deep, that festered and grew for the last eleven years.
"I'll talk to him," she said. Pulling the man out of his reverie, "but the choice is his."
{-}
It had been two days since she met with Dr. Allen, and she still hadn't had the opportunity to bring it up. With a sigh, she decided today had to be that day.
Barry became a bit distant throughout the last few days, at first she thought it was because of the mischievous kiss they shared after the Fall Gala. Yet, she soon realized it wasn't the case. They had settled that discomfort and awkwardness within days. After speaking with his father, she knew this attitude was because of his mother's upcoming death anniversary.
He helped her when she had lost a dear friend. It was her turn to be there for him and help him reconcile with his feelings, the loss, and his father.
"Thank you for buying dinner," she said as she munched on the noodles. "Chinese food is so good but so bad," she said with an unapologetic grin.
"Once in a while it's not too bad," he said as he took some dumplings.
It was now or never, "You know Barry," she started, "I don't think I've told you how my father passed away."
That made him look up to meet her eyes.
She set her chopsticks down, "My dad was a good dad. Maybe not the greatest, but I wouldn't change him for the world."
He stopped eating and focused on her without saying a word.
"Anyway, I was around seventeen when he passed, but the two years before that were…" she took a deep breath. After all these years she still choked up when she talked about him, "They were painful, heartbreaking, it was like being in a hamster wheel of suffering and anxiety and not knowing if or when it would end."
She turned away and gathered herself, before turning back to face him with a resigned smile, "He didn't want me to know he was sick. Cirrhosis," she clarified. "However, the medical bills you're so fond of, clued me in on his condition," all that drinking had caught up with her dad, "I confronted him, we had some difficult conversations, and after everything was said, there was only one thing we could do."
"What was that?" He asked as he listened attentively, not only to her words, but also her body language.
"We had to make the best of it," her smile was nostalgic. "At the end of the day we did everything we could, more at my request than my dad's. He said he didn't want to be a burden and leave me with that debt, but at least it's something else I have from him, and I don't regret it."
"He must have had very advanced cirrhosis, if nothing could be done."
"Ironically enough, he wasn't into going to the doctors all that much. He waited until the pain was unbearable to go get checked,"
"Common patient error."
She giggled a little, his response always so Barry. "In any case, he passed away, while I was in school, so I couldn't say goodbye," she ended.
That last part hit hard for the young doctor.
"But enough about me, what about you?"
He turned back to his food, and continued eating in silence.
Caitlin held back her disappointment and ate a bit more, before she pushed on.
"How did your mom —"
"Don't," he stood up. "Don't ask Caitlin."
The woman looked at him with insisting eyes.
"It's not something I want or need to discuss."
"Barry maybe you —"
"No," he warned and walked away towards his room.
She looked at his retreating figure. Barry needed help and she made it her mission to provide it to him or die trying.
{x}
One step forward, three steps back sometimes. There's a few mysteries embedded in the story and breadcrumbs are left throughout.
As you know, in writing, every sentence has a purpose, so if you see something out of place, just file it away for now until another breadcrumb comes around.
The next chapter is another favorite of mine...let me know what you think when it comes around.
As always thank you to everyone that takes the time to read the story, it means a lot to me. Very special thanks to: NNathann, Shyesplease, Rosewelllostcause, and John Robinson (nice to read from you!)
NNathann: Hmmm I don't think we are quite there yet, but we'll see.
Shyesplease: Isn't he sweet!? He's a softie even when he pretends he isn't.
Rosewelllostcause: I'm glad you caught on to that! For this story I'm adding general references to DC Comics, not just what we know of the ArrowVerse. Like Dr. Stewart for example, is Green Lantern. But I digress.
John Robinson: Thank you for hanging in there! Don't die on me! And welcome aboard : )