TMZ EXCLUSIVE: "TANYA DENALI TAUGHT ME HOW TO DUMP"
Posted 06/09/2021 1:00 AM PST by Jake Langley
Jacob Black dumped Nessa Carlie via a phone call, which is - in the humble reporter's opinion - absolute buffoonery, because he was pissed when Tanya Denali did the exact same thing to him just eight months ago.
Sources close to the couple report that Black called Carlie from Washington at some point after her album release party on Monday night to pull the plug on their relationship. We're told that Black was vague during the call, citing distance as the reason.
Curious and curiouser, as one is apt to notice his recent cross-country move to "spend time with family" - or shack up with his ex-girlfriend slash publicist, Bella Swan? Only time will tell.
Carlie was reportedly thunderstruck by the call, with the reporter learning she'd expected "a ring and some bling" by Christmas. Supposedly she didn't take the news too well - and who's to blame her? We're told the couple haven't spoken since.
And get this - Black put Ms. Denali on blast on SNL only last month, throwing shade at her alleged eight-second voicemail sayonara.
Pot, meet kettle.
*Representatives for Black, Carlie and Denali declined to comment on the record for this story.
Stream Sunlight for Clear Skin carliesangel91
is it just me or is jacob the biggest asshole since stalin
Ellie is reading ellieinsunlight
imagine dumping our queen via voicemail i-
Marnie BLM marniemoo
tbf i'm not normally into cancelling ppl but jake would've sucked in terminator anyway
Jacob Black finds out, at the asscrack of dawn, that he has both lost his dream job and been internationally cancelled.
"Fuck's sake," he growls, squeezing his iPhone so hard that the protective shell cracks.
The cursed thing's vibrating and beeping and ringing incessantly, and he's approximately two seconds away from sending it hurtling into the wall -
And then he notices last night's beer.
It's enough of a distraction - for now, at least.
He swills the flat ale as he scrolls through his notifications, losing track of the sheer volume of tweets inundating his account. Nessa's friends, his coworkers, and an embarrassing amount of pre-teen girls have come to dominate his timeline, tagging his handle as if it's going out of style.
Maybe he is.
He's not really thinking when he types it. When he tries to remember the moment later, he's not even sure if he re-read the tweets before he pressed send.
It wouldn't have mattered anyway.
By the time TMZ picks up his latest updates, Jacob Black is cancelled with a capital C.
Jacob Black realjacobblack
When you assume sh!t about me that u wish u knew...you make an ASS out of U & me
Jacob Black realjacobblack
But for the record, it was a 3 min call. How much could u even say in 8 secs?
Jacob Black realjacobblack
I have nothing more to say about Nessa. Pretty gud album though
Bella Swan liked to consider herself to be a patient sort of woman. She talked her father through taking his blood pressure medication every evening, as if she were some sort of saint, and she never failed to have a hot dinner on the table by six p.m. sharp, no matter how hectic her day became.
Better, yet - she always offered her sister-in-law, Rosalie, a sweet smile and a kiss on the cheek, even if she knew the woman had spent the better part of three years attempting to orchestrate a break-up between her and Edward.
There were lots of things to which Bella could turn the other cheek.
Jacob Black making a public mockery of himself, of her, and of GoldenEye Incorporated was, unfortunately, not something she could ignore.
She'd agreed to be his publicist out of familial goodwill and a persevering childhood fondness (even if they'd had that awkward love triangle in high school) that soon proved to be quite tenuous. Sure, his playfulness and obstinate nature had enthralled her so many years before, but times had changed. She'd changed.
Bella, the enduring overachiever, had pursued a Master's in Public Relations at one of the nation's top colleges, purchased a beautiful four-bedder with Edward, and taken over the strategic wing of the Cullen family business, all before the age of twenty-three.
Bella had grown up.
Jacob, on the other hand, seemed to be coasting through life on the virtues of his (admittedly) excellent looks and infinite charisma. He'd been scouted at the tender age of seventeen by a producer on a winter sabbatical, and had been thrust into countless on-screen roles ever since. With the glimmer of commercial success on the horizon, Billy remortgaged the family home to finance Jake's move to L.A., and (miraculously, if you asked Bella) the debt was squared away within a year. He graduated from J. Crew commercials to prime-time supporting roles in the blink of an eye, taking Hollywood - and Bella's better sensibilities - by storm.
Cocksure Jacob Black was a blockbuster hit, and, for his first few years in the big city, he was headed nowhere but up.
Then, Heidi-gate happened.
From what Bella could glean from the tabloids (since Jacob refused to divulge the full details), he'd dated the immeasurably gorgeous Victoria's Secret model for four months, treating her to all of the finer pleasures that life had to offer. He could hardly go a day without being papped with her, and his bronzed face was plastered on each magazine at every newsstand.
Abruptly, Heidi disappeared from the covers.
Didyme, the up-and-coming English rapper with four number-ones to her name, soon replaced her at Jacob's side.
By soon, Bella meant within forty-eight hours.
Didyme and Jake lasted all of six weeks, setting the internet ablaze with pictures far too spicy for Tiger Beat.
Next was Tanya Denali, who was better known for her role directing the highly-acclaimed veterinary soap opera, Aspinall's Physiology. That relationship spanned approximately four months, concluding shortly after Jake's hastily written character was confirmed as a series regular.
Nessa Carlie was the most recent of Jacob Black's soul-sucking conquests. Nessa, known for her daily acapella covers on her massively popular Instagram account, had landed a coveted spot on the Russet Records rotation, effectively dominating the celebrity news cycle for days on end.
Bella found out that Nessa and Jake were dating at the same time as the general public, courtesy of E! News' Twitter account.
The pap shots - specifically, the ones that depicted Jake's tongue halfway down Nessa's throat - had landed him in Bella's office at GoldenEye for an emergency meeting.
He'd loped into her office, looking even more insolent than ever. "Bells, c'mon -"
She'd sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in a bid to restrain her exasperation. "Jacob, enough. All of these photographs, the constant media attention - it's not good news. Not in the slightest. Valhalla's no longer considering you for Terminator, and God knows how long it'll take for Studio 51 to do the same."
Jake had leapt to his feet, sending his chair skittering across the varnished hardwood. "That's bullshit, Bella. I was the best for the role and you know it!"
She'd stared at him, eyebrow raised, until he'd sunk back into his seat. "You're a walking liability. It's got nothing to do with your acting ability - it's about how much of an optics disaster you've been."
He'd scowled, balling his hands into fists. "You've gotta get me back on Valhalla's list, Bells, I don't want to do that stupid Coraci comedy."
"No," she'd said simply, face impassive. "I won't stoop to begging. You need to grow up, Jake, and start acting like an adult. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes."
Jake had strode to the door, pausing with his fingers on the handle. Slowly, he'd turned to shoot her a dark look. "I thought you were in it to help me. Some publicist you are."
With a final sneer, he was gone, having slammed her office door with such force that her desk shook.
Moments later, Alice had poked her head in. "Went well, I presume?"
"Don't play with me, Al. Not the time."
She'd pouted in a display of over-the-top sympathy. "Momentum Pictures starts casting on Monday. Maybe they'll give you the break you need."
For a PR Consultant that claimed to be clairvoyant, Alice had never been so disastrously wrong.
[TEXT] Bella Cullen, 7.01 A.M.
My office IMMEDIATELY. Crisis meeting.
[TEXT] Bella Cullen, 7.02 A.M.
DELETE THE TWEETS
[TEXT] Jacob Black, 7.05 A.M.
I've got tennis at 9, I'll see you after.
[TEXT] Jacob Black, 7.07 A.M.
Seriously? Cancelling Garrett?
[TEXT] Bella Cullen, 7.08 A.M.
Town car ETA 3 min. Be downstairs.
[TEXT] Jacob Black, 7.09 A.M.
Worst. Publicist. Ever.
[TEXT] Bella Cullen, 7.12 A.M.
Send proof you've been picked up.
[MMS] Jacob Black, 7.12 A.M.
Hold to download image.
[TEXT] Bella Cullen, 7.12 A.M.
Middle finger selfie? Very mature.
Jacob arrives at GoldenEye within the hour, smelling - and looking - like something that cat dragged in. Rosalie ushers him through to the conference room at an arm's length, wrinkling her nose as he brushes past her.
"Christ, Black, could you get any worse? Don't bother replying. I already know the answer," she hisses, pivoting on her stiletto to stalk back down the hallway.
He swallows hard, trying to gather himself before entering. He can catch parts of the conversation here and there, and none of it sounds promising.
Before he can even touch the handle, the frosted glass door swings open.
"Well, are you coming in? We've got plenty to discuss," Alice frowns, waving him inside.
He skulks in behind her, ducking his head as he notices the audience before him.
Bella - an obvious choice.
Alice - the most tolerable of the PR Department.
Jasper - the uncomfortably aloof Senior Analyst, slated to take over as Managing Director by his twenty-seventh birthday.
It's official: he's fucked.
"Sit, Black. Let's discuss the sentiment report I've just compiled," Jasper murmurs in his disconcerting Southern twang.
And, like a dog, Jacob obeys.
Jasper spreads the papers out before the team, giving the room a moment to digest the material. Jake's no mathematician, but all of the downward slopes and red values can't bode well for the meeting's trajectory.
"As we're all aware, the press surrounding Black is resoundingly poor. This isn't a new development," he states, gesturing to an oversized chart awash with crimson markings, "but it's certainly been made worse over the past few months. I'm sure after this morning's coverage, I'll have even less to work with."
Bella shakes her head. "Show him the 2018 analysis."
Jasper removes another document from his expander file, smoothing it out on the boardroom table. He traces the printed figures with his perfectly shaped fingernail.
"See this slope here? That's the general sentiment towards you. It's positive. You'll notice that, after 2018, it drops right off. Hasn't even hit neutral since. The general public doesn't like you, Black. Quite the opposite, really."
He stares at the paper, uncomprehending.
The public adores him, if the incessant thirst tweets bombarding his phone is anything to go by. Sure, he's in hot water every now and then, but there's no way things are truly this bad. Someone would have said -
Alice clears her throat. "Bella's given you plenty of opportunities to turn things around, and your behaviour's only gotten worse. If you want to stay with GoldenEye, you're going to have to start taking directions from me."
Bella nods solemnly.
Alice leans across, pressing the buzzer on the intercom. "Send our guests in, Rosalie."
Jasper slides a thick document across the table, along with an embossed fountain pen. The stupid metallic iris logo bores into his brain, crawling under his skin. He wants to leave - no, he wants to shred the fucking charts and send the strips flying across the room, turning Jasper's bullshit colour-coded spreadsheets into confetti. He's a hair away from artfully deconstructing the document when Rosalie cracks the door ajar, waving the newcomers in with a bored flourish of the hand.
"Bella! Long time no see!" a deep voice exclaims.
There's no way. No fucking way.
Jacob turns his head slightly, knowing exactly what he's about to see.
When Jake had moved away from La Push after landing his first real acting gig, he'd expected to leave his past behind, allowing the high school memories to slip into oblivion. Sure, being a teenager universally sucked, but there was a certain kind of shame in admitting to spending the better part of three years as a small-time gang member. Aside from his father and Bella, Jake hadn't spoken to anyone from the great state of Washington in years, and that was exactly how he liked it.
Being within spitting distance of not one, but two, of his former accomplices was not part of the plan.
Behind Embry Call - who looked exactly the same, only with triple the number of tattoos he'd had at seventeen - is someone even worse.
Leah Clearwater.
He and Leah went way back, if running around barefoot in diapers together counted for anything. They shared everything from packed lunches to gym shoes, trading secrets like gold; he and Leah were tight well before puberty hit and hanging with girls became cool, before Sam came onto the scene with seductive promises of clandestine cash and a continuous flow of dope. Lee was the first to fall into his orbit, and Jake wasn't far behind, soon spending his nights driving up and down the peninsula. Within months, Sam had chewed her up and spat her out, and Jake was too preoccupied with deals and his dad and trying to make something of himself to really take notice.
He could kind of understand the motivation. Emily was hot.
Jake had left Leah behind in La Push without as much as a goodbye, and she'd barely crossed his mind since. Bella mentioned her every now and then - Leah's been cast in this, been nominated for that - but he didn't really care. Indie movies rarely succeeded in holding his attention for more than a moment.
Still, she's here, real and in the flesh and that raw magnetic energy she's always had is as strong as ever. He opens his mouth to greet her, but snaps it closed after taking in her surly expression. Her dark eyes are cold and unfriendly, as if challenging him to say something stupid.
He's all-too-aware that he won't be leaving the GoldenEye conference room in one piece.
"Leah, Embry," Bella says warmly, gesturing to a set of chairs beside Jasper. "Thanks for joining us on such short notice."
Embry nods. "Of course, Bella. Anything for a friend."
She laughs, and it twists something in him. Since when was Bella close with people from home?
"Right, let's get straight to it," Alice says, motioning for Jasper to slide a thick packet of papers to Embry. "I'm sure you're aware of Jacob's predicament."
Embry nods; Leah remains impassive.
Alice continues, undeterred. "I'd like to propose an agreement - a partnership, of sorts. Leah, I'm aware you're looking for a feature-film role. Is that correct?"
She jerks her chin upward. "Correct."
"An associate of mine in Netflix's content acquisitions team has advised me of a role that you'd be well-suited for. 1960s cult classic remake, experimental cinematography, heavy on the unconventional side. They'll be looking for actresses with a...shall we say, subversive catalogue."
Embry nods, studying Leah's expression. "You've got a uniquely varied portfolio, Lee. We'd do well to take these kinds of castings."
She snorts. "Uniquely varied? That's a nice way of putting 'desperate and last-minute'."
Jacob can't hide the smirk that spreads across his face. Her assessment was pretty accurate, if her thirty-percent average on Rotten Tomatoes was anything to go by.
"Drop the smugness, sweetheart. At least I'm not trending alongside #BinTheBlack," she sneers, gesturing rudely in his direction.
Bella snaps her fingers at Jacob before he can fire back. The look on her face is absolutely poisonous - if she was angry before, she's furious now, and that never ends well. He remembers the broken nose she gave him as a teenager more vividly than he'd care to admit.
"My apologies, Leah. I can make no excuses for Jacob's poor behaviour," Alice simpers, smiling as sweetly as she can. "I'd like to make you an offer. With your blessing, my associate will recommend your name for a summer audition. His endorsement is guaranteed to secure you a meeting with the casting director."
Leah eyes Alice warily, her gaze momentarily flickering to Jacob. "What's the catch?"
"In exchange for my endorsement, I'm asking that you publicly align with Jacob for a six-month term. A stage relationship would be mutually beneficial-"
"Oh, come on," Jacob groans, shaking his head. "You're fucking with me."
"Enough, Jacob," Bella growls, her mouth settling in an impossibly thin line. "Your career's halfway in the toilet. Do not make me press flush."
Leah chortles; whether it's in response to Bella's pitiful threat or Jacob's displeasure is entirely unclear. "You know what? I'm in. Full PDA. Where do I sign?"
Embry slides her the contract, quietly elaborating on the terms, but Jake couldn't give less of a shit about him.
"I'm not fucking signing that," he snaps, shoving the pen across the table.
Bella doesn't even flinch. "Sign it, or I'm terminating our business relationship. Alice has the forms prepared."
Alice lays a pale hand on the pre-filled document. "It can be signed immediately. Rosalie will be delighted to process it.'
Fucking Rosalie.
"Just to make it clear," he snarls, snatching the fountain pen from Jasper's outstretched hand, "I'm not okay with this. At all."
"You tell 'em, tiger," Leah taunts, mockingly holding up a curled hand like a paw. "I can already tell we're going to have fun together."
Jacob decides, then and there, to delete his godforsaken Twitter account and become a total and utter recluse for the next six months.
He may not save his career, but he's sure as hell determined to save his dignity from Leah's all-too-enthusiastic clutches.
A/N: FFN formatting is the devil - I can't add any symbols, but if you see the bold phrase/italicised username, it's meant to be stylised as a tweet. This works much better on AO3, but what can ya do.