I'm back

SelfishIncarnate thank you for the kind review! It means a lot 3

He's suddenly tired.

Ren hasn't realized in the least that, while waiting for everything to unfold, the tension has been silently building up inside him. And now that he's actually safe from getting booted into whatever hole he had crawled out of before, he's tired, spent to the bones, with not a lick of energy or mind to even move from the chair he has been forced to sit on, within the confines of their safe haven (the rooftops).

(Ren is… surprised, to see all those people coming up to apologize to Ann for something that they had no control over, for their inactions, something no one ever did for him before. It gives him a small light of hope that he quickly smothers, like the rest of everything else, because Ann and Ryuji might be one of the very few exceptions to the rules.

Ren also doesn't miss the bits of discomfort in Ann's body language when they all come flocking her after Kamoshida's confession, but he will not ask her to elaborate, because what she's feeling might've been the same thing that has been nudging at the back of his mind since the very beginning of all of this.)

He watches as Ann tells them about visiting Suzui, that she's now conscious, and that she's sorry – Ann speculates that she must've found out that her best friend had been flirting with Kamoshida for her team's position for a while, too – about everything. Ren wrinkles his nose, his own distrust simmering into cool, negligible embers at the pit of his stomach, Arsene's laughter light and soothing, calm, as if to say that he, too, approve of Ren's slight change of mind.

After updating everything, the three of them start talking about pawning the medal in and getting the money to celebrate for themselves (Ren's stomach growls softly at this, the idea of eating anything to his heart's content making him carve for more), and Ren thinks back to Untouchable. Before he could stop himself, he says, "Maybe Untouchable will buy it."

"Huh? You mean that grumpy, gangster-ish manager?" Ryuji asks, tilting his head. Ann gives him a curious look, while Morgana purrs a soft ah in understanding. "Why do you think a gun store would buy that?"

"Hunch," Ren lies, the word coming to him too quickly that he could feel Arsene rustles disapproval. Ren only hums to himself before getting up. "I'll sell it, and after the… celebration (the notion of actually participating in something with people that will not stop calling him friends feels quite strange, and it is a nice surprise, Ren thinks), you could split the money between the two of you. Or, if what Ann said is true, then I guess the rest's going to her?"

At this, he's met with silence, and for a moment he fears himself saying something wrong that might've upset them, only for Ann to speak up slowly. "Ren… why aren't you talking about splitting a part of it to yourself?"

"Huh?" He hums, genuinely curious, cocking his head slightly with furrowed eyebrows. "I mean… it's your reward for a job well done, so—"

"Why aren't you counting yourself in?" Morgana quips, jumping down from the chair and curling his tail around Ren's ankle, the warmth seeping into his skin. "I mean, you're the one with the most contribution, and I'm sure these two will agree."

"We do," Ann quickly chips in, nudging Ryuji by the rib. "Right?"

"Yeah! Absolutely!" Ryuji grins, hand pulled back as if to slap him, but the boy seems to catch himself in time and puts his arm back down, instead grabbing onto the back of his neck as a form of nervous tic. "I mean, you pretty much helped the both of us. And Morgana, too! You deserve a share, man!"

What you did are mine to reap, what you made are mine to use, brat. Remember that.

With each and every time he talks to these two, his own understanding seems to crumble just a little more – as if his father's teaching is nothing but a sandcastle, ready to melt into nothing at any new information they're feeding him with. But time for disbelief and skepticism is long since gone, he thinks, with how far they have come.

He allows Arsene to take reign – something he's been doing more often despite the deep-rooted fear still boiling within him – and smiles slightly, pushing his hair back with his fingers and nods. "…Alright, if you two insist. But I don't make promises, because I don't know how much I can actually pawn this thing for."

"No pressure, man. We've been leaving lots of things to you, so if you need anything, just give us a holler, 'kay?" Ryuji grins easily, hands clasped behind his head. "We're here whenever you need us to."

"Okay," Ren murmurs, nodding slightly. "Thank you."

(Arsene laughs, delighted, his wingspans extending outward, black feathers adorning the void of his heart.

Ren allows himself to relish in the feeling, smiling just slightly as he returns to his daily life.)

When he returns, Sakura waves him forward. He quickly sets Morgana down, and the not-cat catches his unsaid words and races upstairs on his own right away.

After he walks over, Sakura just points at the counter. "That old man over there ordered a Red Eye. You remember how to do it, right?"

"Yes, sir," Ren nods, taking off his blazer and donning the apron right away. A part of him questions the man's choice; while he does realize that Sakura has been teaching him how to cook his curry (with a recipe that admittedly is strange, even for Ren's standard) and brew coffee with his techniques for this shop, it shouldn't have been his first thought to allow Ren free reign of the machine after only a month of being under his care. But he cannot and will not question it – he's in no position to, after all.

While he sets out to work, he spies the man alternating between making small talks with the customer and watching him, not with scrutiny, but… curiosity, and a bit of sadness that Ren doesn't know how to properly explain. He decides not to ask about it (it's not his place to ask, and it's not safe – never is – for him to voice his opinions to others) and just focuses on the task at hand.

After a moment, he fishes the cup, and Sakura nods at the customer, silently saying that he should be the one to deliver the cup. Ren nods and puts the beverage down, making as little talk as possible before walking back and cleaning up the counter.

"Oh, this is just like yours, Sakura-san!" The old man says, laughing, as he takes small sips from the cup.

"This guy's pretty good, right?" Sakura says with a small grin, elbows propped on the counter, his cheek resting on his palm. "And if you say it's good, then I guess he passed the test, huh?"

"Definitely!" The old man laughs delightedly. "You've got yourself a good part-timer here!"

Ren tunes out the rest of the conversation as he goes about cleaning the counters and taking care of the unwashed dishes still remaining in the sink. He thinks he might have spied Sakura doing a double take his way, but doesn't point it out, burying his nose where it belongs and does as he's taught and told. While Ren thinks Ryuji and Ann (and by a certain extension, Morgana) do help with his understanding, he still couldn't trust the rest of the world, with meeting but a few exceptions he still isn't a hundred percent certain wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass.

(Lies, Ren tells himself. He's just afraid of forming something more than superficial bonds, because he's been hurt by it, beaten down and dragged on the ground by it. His heart already knows that they will not abandon him like the rest of those people, but years of being seen as an inconvenience at best will do that, he supposes.)

It takes him a while to finish cleaning the dishes, and when he's done, he turns to see Sakura waving at the seat beside him. Ren takes it, shoulders slightly hunched and eyes downward, as to not appear in any way challenging or defiance. After he's properly seated, the man says. "I just wanted you to make the cup for the customer, but you just went ahead and start working, huh… do you like working that much?"

"…Yes, sir," Ren lies (lies, lies, lies, again and again until it becomes the truth, Ren does not say), the words rolling in his mouth and through his lips, tasteless and bland. He nods to accompany his empty words with some sort of confirmation. He doesn't exactly like working, but it's what he does best, it's what was and is expected of him, it's what everyone wants from him. So, he lies, making them believe that he does this of his own accord, making them think that he's worth something.

But he would be kidding himself if he says that he hates it; working is… a meditation. It keeps his mind of the things in the past and the things in the future, focuses his thoughts only on the tasks at hands and the present. It helps keep his mind of many things that would come up, helps him calm down against the panic attacks that would sometimes strike without warning.

So, Ren decides to add, scratching the back of his neck slightly, fingernails leaving reddened marks on his flesh as he scrapes them where his high collar could not reach. "I mean… it helps with keeping my mind off stuffs… sir."

"You're really a strange kid, alright," Sakura says, leaning against the counter and crossing his legs. The older man changes the channel almost absent-mindedly before continuing. "How's school been for you?"

"…It's alright, sir," Ren says, this time with more truth than lies. It has been hectic and wild and dangerous, but he is free – freer than ever before – and while he knows the consequences of his actions will come to him sooner rather than later, he allows himself this brief moment of respite where he actually is in control of his life. "It's been… better than I'd hoped."

"I see," The man hums. "That's good, that's good. Anyways, you have anything planned during the three days' worth of rest?"

"I—" Ren begins, to say that he doesn't, but is reminded that he has a medal he needs to pawn off before the 5th, or the money won't be in time for the celebration. He isn't sure what he should do at the moment, however; if Sakura requires his help, he'd rather not get on the man's bad side, but that would mean he'd break his promise to the other three.

Sensing his momentary pause, Sakura scratches the back of his head, looking slightly away. After a sigh, mostly to himself, the man says. "Just say so if you have a plan with your friends. I'll be fine for a few days without my part-timer, you know."

"Um, yes, sir," Ren mumbles, clearing his throat and gathering whatever courage he could. "I um… I have to run an errand for my classmates (the word friends still feels odd on his tongue, so he doesn't say it, not yet) before the 5th, because they – uh, I mean we – are planning on… going out, sir. I'll be back before sunset! And—"

"Don't worry about it, kid," The man chuckles, amused at Ren's stutters, and he quickly clamps his mouth shut before he spews out anything more. "You're a high schooler, and it's golden week. I don't really mind looking after the shop myself for a few days. I mean, I've been doing that for years before you came along, right?"

"Uh, yes, sir. Thank you, sir," Ren says quietly, eyes darting away, not daring to upset the man. After a moment, he decides to add, to diffuse the tension bubbling in his chest. "I'll… probably do the errand on the 4th, so I'll work full day here tomorrow… sir. And I'll try to finish as quickly as I can—"

"As I said, don't worry about it," The man waves, irritation starting to settle in. This time, Ren slams his mouth shut hard enough for the impact to make him wince. Sakura watches him with a slight frown, one that makes Ren unable to breathe, before he grumbles something under his breath. "…Just do it at your own pace. You've been a great help, and since I could only pay you minimum wages, consider this extra payment for a job well done."

"Yes, sir," Ren bows. He still doesn't rightly understand Sakura – the man has been out to get him the first time he's here, but right now, he seems to… be kind. Kind, to a fucking dog like him, and while that thought is a nice surprise, he doesn't allow himself to hope, because he's in the position of power. One wrong move from him, and he'd be booted back to his father, and he—

"Welp, if you said you like working, just stay until eight or something," Sakura's words cut off his thoughts, and he jumps slightly, heart shooting up into his throat. He swallows as the man waves around. "Since there's no customer around, I'm going to teach you something more. You up for it, kid?"

"Sir, yes sir."

Ren doesn't miss the way Sakura seems to frown minutely as he guides Ren towards the shelf and teaches him about the different type of beans and a more advanced technique of brewing, but he doesn't allow himself to think on it as he focuses on the task at hand.

May 3rd, 2016 [Tuesday]

Kamoshida makes the news.

Unsurprising, seeing the uproar he's caused within the walls of the school, but Ren doesn't think it would be this quick. He's also glad that Suzui's name doesn't make it to the news (because he knows just how fucked up it would be, for the victim's name to appear for the public to tear apart like condors upon a rotting corpse), but is slightly displeased that the school's uniform has appeared on screen, enough for Sakura to recognize where the scandal had taken place.

"Were you involved in his abuses as well?" Sakura asks, his voice slightly pensive, angry. Ren suddenly feels cold, but then Sakura relaxes slightly before coughing into his own hand. "…I'm not angry at you, kid. I'm just worried. Were you?"

Yes, "No, sir. He doesn't care much about me," Except for leaking my records and trying to kick me out, Ren adds mutely.

"That's good to hear," The man hums, sniffing slightly. After a moment, Sakura drums his fingers on the woods of the counter, his face thoughtful, before he waves at Ren. "How've you been holding up so far? Are things alright at school?"

Ren frowns minutely, angling his face away just enough so that his… surprise and discomfort would not show on his face. He doesn't have enough in him to rebel against anyone, at least not within this place (in that world, it isn't Ren who rebels against the powers, but rather Joker, a part of him locked deep within his heart, a part of him that has manifested Arsene), and aside from that, he still fears those who holds his future (hah) against him. Sakura is among one of them.

Ren thinks… something had happened. The man might've seen something, or heard something that he shouldn't have, something that spurs him to do things that he wouldn't have done otherwise, that spurs him to change so immediately that it makes Ren's head spins. He bites his lip a little, acutely aware now that the silence is starting to settle into the woods and saturating the air with its frozen splendor, before forcing words out of his throat, ones that are meticulously crafted, ones that he has been saying for years on end to avoid hands and sticks on his skin.

"It's… alright, sir," He says at last, eyes looking down at his own hands as he keeps scrubbing away at the dishes. Morgana looks at him from where he is, curling up under the table nearest to the staircase, his eyes and whiskers twitching strangely. Ren decides to pull his attention away and back to the task at hand as he says (lies) like his life depends on it. "The teachers are… they're good (they're not), and the other students usually don't get involved with me much."

"But you do have friends, right? Or so you've said," Sakura comments off-handedly, changing the channels again. "Or were you lying to me—"

"No, sir, I did not," Ren quickly bites out, fear and bile biting at the back of his throat, familiar yet terrifying all the same. He breathes through his nose, calming himself down, Arsene's wingbeats soft and warm, just enough for him to continue without his voice breaking or sweats to cover him from head to toe. "I mean… most people do try to avoid me, sir, but um… I kicked it off with… a few of them? I guess?"

"You guess?" Sakura repeats, and Ren turns to see the man cocking up a single curious eyebrow at him, just enough to be noticeable. "You don't sound so sure about it yourself at all, kid."

"Sir," Is all Ren could think of saying.

This time, the silence might be awkward and unwelcoming, but it is not unnatural, so he leaves it as is, keeping the words (and the pleas and everything else) close to his heart. Arsene hums in disapproval again as Ren's thoughts steer towards where he once was – and still is – in place where he distrusts and fears just about everyone, because that is how he is taught, that is what he has seen. He decides to smother the Prince's wingbeats into the void of his soul as he refocuses his attention back to where it should be.

He takes a few more minutes to finish cleaning out the dishes, the sting of his still fresh scars reminding him that he has yet to replace the fake glasses his father has given him as a reminder of his crime ("wear this, so people won't think you as a disobedient cur that you are. I do not want to associate myself with a child who does not know his place"), and he is also reminded that he is thoroughly and utterly broke.

Thinking thoroughly again, the glasses might not be… necessary, as of yet. Neither of his parents are here – and as soon as that bit of thought crosses his mind, shivers run down his spine like a lightning bolt, and he grunts just under his breath. That line of thought, one that begins to bloom from the hellfire that is Arsene's hollowed grin, is far too dangerous. Ren ignores Arsene's protest, deciding that such thoughts of rebellion have no place in the real world where his life and actions are not his to decide, and finishes his current duty and onto the next.

He is stopped, however, when he turns to see Morgana sitting on the counter and looking at him. Sakura is only paying half his attention at Ren. When he opens his mouth to whisper to Morgana to ask what he wants, the not-cat says, with something akin to worry, one that might have been directed at Ren more than anyone and anything else. "Ren… why are you in the real world so different from in there?"

He only frowns, but decides not to answer the not-cat as he goes about cleaning up the counters and doing the front-of-the-store inventory. He is stopped again when he feels something curling around his ankle, and Morgana is there, looking up at him with blue eyes that do not yield, the warm spring wind of Zoro's powers breezing along the edge of his consciousness like a calm gale. "…Aren't we all, though?"

"Lady Ann and Ryuji don't change this drastically," Morgana comments, walking around his leg a few times before jumping up the shelf – careful enough not to hit anything – and looking at him in the eyes, with his gaze so fierce that it forces Ren to look away. "For them, they just pull out the part they only show among friends. For you? It feels like you're a different person entirely."

"Is it a bad thing?" Ren whispers, adjusting the various jars back onto the shelf.

"It's not necessarily bad, but—" Morgana begins, whiskers nudging the back of Ren's hand twice before he looks away, paws kneading carefully a pattern into the woods. Then, Morgana mutters. "It's… strange. It's as if you have split personalities, or rather, have different masks."

"I do have more than one masks, after all," Ren muses, recalling the way the other voices would call for his attention whenever he is in there. Here, in the world where his life is not his own, Arsene is most prominent, is the strongest, is the loudest. In there, Arsene might represent and birth Joker, but there are others whose masks he had taken up, too. Obiyaron, Pixie, Jack-O-Lantern… "Maybe I'm just switching masks."

"You say that, but you yourself don't sound convinced," Morgana comments, tilting his head to the side and waving his tail slowly. Then, a sigh, "Well, it doesn't really matter as long as you're alright with this. Are you, though?"

Ren frowns again, his fingers stopping for a brief second that is too long to stay unnoticeable. He quickly apologizes to Sakura and resumes his duties, his thoughts going back to Morgana's words. He might've speculated that he's just switching masks between worlds, but that isn't true. He only wears one in the other world, wears Arsene as the rebel's soul he will never allow to bloom on this side. On this side, where actions are followed with severe consequences, though?

In a place like this, how could he allow the rebel to take reign? Of course he couldn't. So here, in this place where his future is nowhere to be found, no choices are his to make, he wears nothing, leaving his heart weak and bare and moldable by the powers around him, as a way to protect himself, as a way to keep his life safe. A part of him – one that grows louder as Arsene grows stronger – whispers incessantly that this is not the way to live at all, but he ignores it, because in here, his decisions do not matter.

Ren decides to put the rest of his thoughts to rest, stifling it silence under his own heels, the shackles of his own makings surrounding him like a hug of despair that makes his very being crawls with disgust.

Because that is the best that he could do.

(It is not the best he could do, Ren realizes. He could do better, allowing Arsene's words to take control of him better, to forge a path of his own. But could he truly? A part of him asks. Because he knows just how little his decisions matters in here, where his life is not his, where it is dictated by powers greater than his own. What could he, an insignificant little mutt, achieve by himself?

Nothing is the answer. So, nothing is what he will do.)

May 4th, 2016 [Wednesday]

Ren's judge of character remains impeccable, as always.

The manager looks like he wants to decline his offer, at first, but when the man takes a careful look at the medal, all he could do his yield and allow the transaction to complete. Thirty thousand yen for pure gold that has no way of being traced would lure even the most careful of dark-crawlers to jump on it, and Ren knows this all too well.

The man seems surprised at Ren's unchanging expression, however. But Ren doesn't give him anything to work with, because he knows the man would rather not ask where this medal came from, or how he got his hands on it, because that's not how the underworld works (not how his father works). Instead, the man sighs before handling Ren a suspicious paper bag weighing heavier than any food could be. When Ren doesn't take it, the man glares at him. "It's almost time. Consider that a souvenir for the medal. Make sure not to open it, and make sure to come back with it next time."

Arsene flares in anger, and Ren stifles him down almost immediately, knowing full well that as long as he has this power to change hearts, he will need the man's services to strengthen himself and the rest of the Theives. Morgana doesn't seem too happy when Ren accepts it without much fuzz, tugging the thing inside his backpack and saying under his breath. "Let's share this thing when I come back."

The manager blinks, surprised, as if not expecting him to talk as if he knows what he's doing, but isn't given the chance to ask about it when he sees two men in suits walking in.

Detectives, a part of him whispers, and he immediately skids to the side.

"Iwai Munehisa," One of them says, arms crossed, addressing the manager with contempt. He decides to leave, only for his exit to be blocked by one of them. "There are some matters we'd like to discuss with you."

"Sure, go ahead," The man says, eyeing Ren and the detective that stands guard at the exit with a frown that doesn't take long to disappear under his act of innocence. "And why are you blocking him? The kid's a regular customer, you know."

"No one leaves until we're done questioning you, Iwai," The man growls, and his eyes are cold and hard, and Ren feels his heart squeezing painfully in his chest—

You're not leaving until we're done interrogating you, kid. You've done terrible shits now, and who's to blame but yourself, hm?

"Hey!" The manager – Iwai, Ren corrects himself – snaps, walking out from the counter and to where they are. He feels his hands shake almost uncontrollably, air escaping him, his teeth clattering minutely. A panic attack, his mind registers, and he couldn't stop, there's no way he could stop the unrelenting tides now—

"Wha – hands off me!" The man growls, and before long, something comes in between him and the detective. He looks up to see the manager grabbing the man's (the source of his torment) wrist, another hand pushing him back, just to put some distance between them. Ren feels Morgana's paw on his shoulder, but he couldn't focus— "If you don't, I'm taking you in for obst—"

"Can't you see the kid's having a panic attack!?" Iwai hisses, his voice low, the edge sharp like a blade that cuts and severs without mercy. Iwai shifts again, putting himself fully between the two of them. "What the fuck kind of detective are you, making an innocent gasp for breath like this!?"

"If he's panicking, that'd mean he has something to hide, isn't he?" The man before him growls, and for a split second that spans into an eternity, Ren couldn't breathe. The image of this moment collides with back then, where sirens blared and hands on his arms and—

"That's enough," Another detective, stern and seemingly more observant, chips in. "We're here for Iwai, not the kid. And he looks pretty harmless to me. You're distressing a citizen."

"…Hmph!" The other man growls, pulling his wrist away from Iwai's grasp and walking away from the door. "It can't be helped, then. Scram, kid."

Ren does so without a second thought, not missing the hard look Iwai gives him as he leaves.

May 5th, 2016 [Thursday]

He has never been able to eat until he couldn't, and it's such a strange feeling that he couldn't help but relish himself in it.

He was never allowed to eat what he wanted, never allowed to select the kind of food he craved. He knows how to prepare them to the best of his ability, sure, but he's never been allowed to eat them, never been allowed to treat himself with anything more than instant food and cheapest-on-the-shelf packages, which is why being able to eat a buffet is such a marvel he couldn't help but feel like something would go wrong very soon.

And oh, it does. In the form of the news that the police will be coming to school.

"Our name's gonna come up for sure," Ryuji says, sighing dejectedly. Ren feels Morgana nudge him from the bag, but he isn't too sure, his thoughts too haywire and his mind too blank to even care. "People're spreading some weird rumors about us and Kamoshida and all. But! We've got them pumped up – things like, The Phantom Thieves really stole his heart and stuffs! Look at this!"

Ren glances up, biting his lip and keeping his fists over his knees, trying his best to calm down at the idea of polices coming to the school, instead focusing himself on what Ann is saying. "…The Phantom Aficionado Website?"

She then reads some of their messages, thanking them for taking down Kamoshida, something about giving them hope. It's something strange, really, to be at the other end of a compliment. And it would have felt alright, had he been in the right fucking mind to actually fully understand their meanings. Instead, all Ren does is nodding his head, trying his damn best to appear at least sociable, at least until he's back within the confines of his attic room—

"Hey," He hears Ryuji says, and Ren looks up with a little jolt that seems to escape neither of them. They look at each other, saying nothing, before Ryuji continues with a much softer, less enthusiastic voice. "Uh, I mean… what do you think we should do now?"

"Why're you asking me?" Ren mutters, his fingers yet again finding the stab scar on his left shoulder, one that starts to burn at the mention of authority. Then something crosses his mind. "…Aren't we on a time limit here, though?"

"Oh shit, you're right!"

They then scramble away, saying something along the line of we'll bring something for you guys, and other things Ren doesn't care enough to listen.

Once they're gone, Morgana nudges his hand again, and Ren looks down to see those blue eyes looking up at him. "Ren… breathe. You don't have to tell me, but something we said bothered you, didn't it?"

"Not… that you guys said something wrong," Ren corrects the not-cat, biting the tip of his tongue until the familiar scent of iron fills his nostrils. Arsene's wingbeats then span in the void of his heart, and he exhales, the Prince's fingertips cool and velvet-like, to a degree. "Just… I'm not good with…"

"Polices?"

"…Yeah," He mumbles.

"Well, it's pretty clear after what happened in Untouchable Airsoft," Morgana muses, nudging his hand again and slotting his head under Ren's palm. It's as if Morgana is aware that his fur and his warmth could calm him down, and Ren is both afraid of it and appreciate it. "I don't know if I can help or not, but you can pet me, if you want. I don't mind… much."

Ren snorts, but lets himself smile slightly, any reservation he's ever held against the three of them long since gone, replaced by this strange, fuzzy feeling that leaves him craving for more. "…Thank you, Morgana – oh, and… I'd like to ask you something."

"What thing?"

"Why do you worry so much about me?" Ren decides to say. He knows now that Morgana cares more about him than just as an investment, and it's this care that baffles him. Ryuji is… weird since the beginning, so he doesn't question it much, while Ann seems to actually want to correct what she'd done wrong to him, probably because that's how she is. But Morgana has been so adamant about being here for a deal at first. "You said you just want to make a deal to find out more about yourself. It doesn't explain why you seem to actually care."

"Why, because I have a heart too, you know!" Morgana huffs, although his haughty attitude is gone with a single blink. Ren feels his paw nudging at his thigh gently before he purrs quietly, arching his back and letting the tip of his tail run along his arm. "But, if I'm to be honest with you, I did think only about that, at first. But seeing you like… that, back then, many times… how angry you were, how hurt you were, I just couldn't look the other way, you know."

Ren only hums, Morgana's explanation only creating more questions he's not willing to explore at this moment. So that's why Ryuji and Ann seem to care so deeply, perhaps? Because they saw how he is truly like, or maybe just having an inkling of idea of what he feels? "…It still doesn't explain much. People don't usually do this for a stranger they barely know."

"Some of them don't, but some do," Morgana says, looking up at him again. "We do. If you still don't trust us all that much, then it's fine. But let us help you whenever you need it, okay?"

"…Okay," Ren nods, clearing the thoughts out of his mind when he notices the other two walking closer to them, plates upon plates in their arms. "…Thank you, Morgana."

"No problem," The not-cat murmurs. "It's what friends do, after all."

(Arsene is warm and calm like this. And here, days in the company of people who do not look at him for what he could give, but for who he is, for a simple company, asking nothing in return…

…It truly feels like something he could proudly call a home.)

The Phantom Thieves is established, and now they have a goal in mind; to give people hope.

(For Ren, it's to give others wings they need to fly. Ryuji and Ann have already accomplished that, and like this, he feels like he's truly worth something, like he finally has a calling of his own. And it's only after he manages to call them friends, does he realize what Igor means about Confidants – people that would form bonds with him, ones that are genuine. He still isn't sure yet, but now he sees why bonds are important to his growth.

Because these bonds, he speculates, will remain in place of his empty heart, to give him a drive he could not possibly give himself. And it's okay like that, he thinks.

As long as he could do something, then he's okay with not having a heart of his own.)

They still don't know what they're going to do next, whose heart to change, who to target. But for now, they'll do what they can, giving hope wherever they could, and heal whoever their hands could reach.

Because Ren knows just how twisted and vile humans can be, and here and now that he could see how bright a human could look (Ann and Ryuji and Morgana, who are different, yet the same), he couldn't help but allow himself this fleeting hope that he could do more than just this, too.

(Somewhere in the world, a butterfly flaps its wings.)

May 6th, 2016 [Friday]

Kawakami catches him after her substitute class.

Ren doesn't bring Morgana with him, because he simply aims to go to the bathroom and back, only for the teacher to stop him with a slight frown on her face.

When Ren turns, Kawakami grimaces a bit more before murmuring, just loud enough for him alone and no one else to hear. "…Are you settling in alright, Amamiya-kun?"

Ren furrows his brows, lips set – that came out of nowhere. She has been so clear about her disinterest and even her agenda of wanting nothing to do with him, leaving him to solve his own problems before. But he doesn't – couldn't – voice it, because she's a faculty, after all. Who knows what she'd do, if he says something wrong? He's managed to scrape by Kamoshida with a lot of luck, and there's no way he would be able to squirm his way out of trouble with a faculty for a second time.

So, he steels himself, pulling the mask of what he is trained to be back over his face like a second skin, and bows his head slightly, just enough to allow his hair to cover his eyes. "I'm doing alright, Kawakami-sensei. Is there anything you want to ask?"

"…Yeah," She says after a moment, looking away and scratching her cheek. "I mean… I've noticed that you don't wear your glasses anymore. So, you're not… shortsighted?"

"No, ma'am," He shakes his head, hand reaching up to brush away his bangs and combing back his hair, as a sort of nervous tic for the calamity that he is afraid would come his way. "…Is it not alright? I could find a replacement, if you—"

"No, no, it's fine. You can keep the look. I'm just curious," She says, waving her hands around. "What happened to your glasses, anyway?"

"I… broke it," He relents, squaring up his shoulders slightly. He couldn't get a good read from her, and he isn't quite sure what he should do in response to this sudden curiosity and questioning. And as soon as that though crosses his mind, panic starts to bubble up, and he bites it back down before adding with haste. "I – I just fell and it broke and—"

"Oh," Is all she says. Then, after a pause, where her lips seem to set and her brows seem to furrow, she murmurs. "It's alright, I'm just curious. I'm not out to get you or anything, Amamiya-kun."

He doesn't allow himself to relax, not yet. Because people of authority suddenly caring about him has never been something good, and how could he trust adults? So far, none of them is that kind. Some did help him, sure, but it's not out of their own violation – they are spurred by their own duties or the promises of rewards, as a favor in exchange of a favor, not out of a good of their own hearts, as Morgana has put it.

He bites his lip again, frowning, as Arsene's calm whispers reach his ears. He decides to ignore the words as he mumbles out with a bow. "…Then, please excuse me, Kawakami-sensei."

"Mhm. See you in class tomorrow."

"What did Kawakami-sensei want with you?"

Ann asks when he returns, and Ren weighs the words in his mouth. She seems genuine in her questioning, and as he has established to himself before – the time for skepticism between himself and the other three has long since passed. So, he only shakes his head, and once he's seated, mutters. "I don't know. She just asked me how I am holding up, even though she'd been so clear about not wanting anything to do with me before."

"That's weird," Ann murmurs, looking sideways before back at him again. "How are you doing, though? I mean, the rumors still…"

"It's fine," Ren sighs. He has more or less been ignoring the rumors about him being a psychopath now, seeing no point trying to prove false descriptions with evident-less talk. Who would believe him? Ann and Ryuji and Morgana do because they've seen him risking his life in that other world first hand, but out here, there's no way to prove his innocence.

(Words hurt, they do. They hurt all the time. But here and now, where there are people who willingly call him their own, people who care like no other he's ever seen, he realizes that it's much easier to ignore the bites and the stings of those words.

Like this, here… words hurt less, and he feels like he finally has some place that he belongs.)

Even if there is, if his father finds out he's been disobeying him, he would be whipped back into shape at a moment's notice, and that is not a fun thought.

"Well, if they bother you, just tell me! I'll yell at them until they talk about me instead—"

"—That's a bit extreme, isn't it?"

"It's not! Because I'll be doing this for a friend, after all!" Ann laughs merrily. And Carmen's flame, one that Ann wears like a second skin, is warm and kind. Bright, but not burning, soothing his heart like the spring wind would. "But hey, just tell me if it bothers you too much. I'll be happy to lend an ear anytime, you know?"

"Mhm," Ren hums noncommittally, looking out the window and to the streets beyond the walls of Shujin. Then, he lets himself smile into his hand as he murmurs, with Arsene's hellfire simmering just under his fingertips and the sound of his wingbeats sweeping like a prayer that Ren alone could hear. "I'll hold you onto that, then."

"Okay!"

(The hum of his other self when he talks and stays within the circle of his new-found friends is soothing and kind, tranquil unlike what he's ever felt before in his life. And the walls he has unknowingly put up around his heart like a fortress now sports a single crack, one formed by the flame and the wind and the thunderbolt of ones who continue to embrace his broken heart as their own.

And like this, Ren thinks he already knows that he could, for the first time, call them as his own, too.

Friends are formed from the bonds that they share, and right here and now… he will allow himself to call them as one, with pride that is not his, with a heart that he doesn't have.

Somewhere in the world, a butterfly flaps its wings.)