21st Century Schizoid Man

by silverbug28

A wannabe gangster gun nut (OC) becomes the Master of one of the haughtiest Heroic Spirits in the Throne of Heroes. No, not Gilgamesh. The other blonde with a massive ego. Let's see what happens when this goofy wack job has to fight for his life alongside history's biggest ham. Remake of Genderbent Emperors and Gallivanting Eccentrics.

14. You Can't Always Get What You Want

Disclaimer: I definitely took way too long to update this. My other story "Transparent" should be getting a new chapter too within the next couple of weeks. Maybe. Hopefully. Oh, and keep in mind that everything italicized in this chapter is pretty much Dante and Nero communicating telepathically. Forgive me in advance because it does get a little grating on the eyes.

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Chapter 14- You Can't Always Get What You Want

Quick update. My ears are 'better'. Quotations around that word simply because 'better' is subjective. Sure, my hearing's definitely 'improved' but that means little considering it was all but nonexistent just a scarce few moments ago. You see, this 'nurse' Rin knows isn't much of a mage. Big surprise, right? She's also not much of a 'nurse'. Nor is she a doctor. Or even a pharmacist. I'll put this as bluntly as possible. She's a quack. A glorified drug dealer. Except apparently, she's not a very good one because she almost exclusively hands out free samples.

This place is more like a hospice than a hospital, and Rin's brought me to a wannabe Mother Teresa that just so happens to (barely) fulfill the qualification of being a mage. Do I sound calm? Good, because right now that's what I'm going for. Righteous fury is bubbling underneath my cool façade. Blowing up at this woman (I refuse to indulge her fantasies any further by calling her a nurse) would accomplish nothing. She'd most definitely break down in tears.

That's the general impression I have of her. She's a kind-hearted but incompetent little mouse that squeaks anytime I so much as address her. Oh, and she's also overwhelmingly polite. Unbearably so. Every time she speaks she ends with an apology. A sincere one, which makes it even worse. I should not have to feel guilty about just conversing with someone, even though to do so I have to either A: use Nero as a mediator or B: force my fellow participant to scream at the top of their lungs so I can even hear them. I did mention my hearing's improved very little, did I not?

Anyway, this woman also has this frustrating tendency to ask me if I'm ok. If I were ok would I be here in this shithole of a–! Calm down, Dante, you're going to burst a vein. This woman likes to call me 'sir' too. 'Sir' this and 'sir' that. 'Sorry, sir.' 'Thank you very much, sir.' If I'm a 'sir' Don Quixote is a legitimate knight. Of course, she isn't really using the word 'sir'. I assume she's speaking in Japanese to Nero (I'm not going to have her scream when she looks like the effort would cause her to faint) so she's likely just referring to me by those irritating honorifics this language insists on using.

Never had much of a need for them, and as such I've unintentionally (well, somewhat intentionally) insulted many a Nipponese in my day. Eh, who cares? It's no different than the time in which I mistook the 'a' for masculine and the 'o' for feminine in Spanish. That lead to quite a few 'splendid' initial impressions. I'm rambling though, so let's get back to the matter at hand. A brief situation report on my current state of being.

I'm still 'partially' (mostly) deaf. I'm in this smelly, rundown little clinic situated in the very back of a distressingly eerie alleyway. There's a homeless man directly outside the front door drinking from a bottle of whiskey. A bottle I gave him. Unwillingly of course. Both Rin and Nero had scolded me to high heavens when I'd snuck into a liquor store on our way here. At least someone will get some pleasure from my vice of choice. If only he didn't insist on waiting outside the front door like a lost puppy. The poor fellow probably thinks he owes me something. Nice man, too much of a pushover though.

Had I been homeless (because of Nero) for more than a few days I would have likely just robbed a bank out of desperation. Granted, I doubt he can build guns from scratch faster than Keltec (not saying much) so maybe I should just praise him for having the strength to keep going forward despite his conditions? Or, maybe I should offer the guy a job? I'm probably short on workers as it stands, and anything is better than nothing. How else am I supposed to make a dent in that massive debt Nero placed on me by buying a mansion?

Well … I could just start producing counterfeit money but ... that'd potentially lead to me unknowingly inflating the market. As amazing as it'd be I don't think doing that would do me any favors. Even if it'd create a comparison between me and Mansa Musa. A vague one, but one nonetheless.

Pesci! Rambling again. Back to what's happening. I'm still deaf. Nero's been translating. This woman that was supposed to heal me is worthless. Rin left to do something ... Oh, that's another thing I should mention. Rin's disappeared. You're thinking it's suspicious, right? She pops up at my doorstep and directly after her arrival Nero and I get ambushed (again) by a new Servant. Then after the fallout's over Rin offers to 'aid' me and ends up blowing it by taking me to an unlicensed, unprofessional, novice mage that has the personality of a wallflower. Sounds like the work of a saboteur, does it not? It's the sort of scheme I'd come up with if I had the time (which I don't) and the patience (which I most definitely do not). Why is it that I let her leave?

Well, 'let her' doesn't really tell the whole story. In short, I was the one that forced her to leave. So, it might be a tad ungenerous of me to say she 'disappeared' of her own volition. Yes, she had something to do. Which was shady. But, I kind of ... encouraged her to do that 'something' sooner rather than later after she told me her 'nurse' was a novice …. By this I mean I physically removed her from my presence.

How, you may ask? How did you do that when she has the blessings of the Iron Sheik protecting her? One word. Nero. And my foot. Ok, four words but it still stands. Nero held her attention using her masterful skills in acting and then I tiptoed my way up using my EX-rank Presence Concealment and violently thrust my foot into her rump. The impact sent her into the waiting arms of my newfound hobo friend who then proceeded to grab her and shove her into a trashcan (as if she were Grover from Sesame Street) before she could fathom how royally she'd been duped.

Does this sound far-fetched? Of course. Nero may not have intentionally distracted Rin. They may have been having casual conversation when I may (or may not) have snuck up on them using makeshift camouflage I created by using Alteration on a nearby patient's gown to make it perfectly match the surrounding lighting.

I may or may not have then proceeded to wrap the thing tightly around Rin using Reinforcement and that prior snake trick I used on that Servant that was undoubtedly the Archer of this War. Then I may or may not have chucked her over my shoulder and run off into the street like Saint Nick carrying a bag of goodies for all the good little girls and boys.

In my haste, I may or may not have collided with my homeless amigo. I may or may not have said "Here! This thing's your problem now!" He may or may not have freaked out. Rin may or may not have begun trying to break her way out with Reinforcement. And I may or may not have nonchalantly (read: heavily) implied Mr. Hobo should dump her into the back of a nearby garbage truck that was just then running its routes. He may or may not have obliged and Rin may or may not currently be residing in the back of a smelly garbage truck.

Oh, but she did have something else she had to do. I heard her say as much through Nero. She just may or may not be actually capable of doing what she wanted to do. And what did her 'nurse' do throughout all of this? Nothing. She was making me a cup of coffee and didn't even know a scuffle had taken place. My excuse to cover up the event? "Rin had an errand she had to run."

No specifics, nothing for her to latch onto that she could question. It was the perfect crime. And hey, it wouldn't really be fair of Rin to get upset at me if she ever found her way back here. I mean, she sorta broke her part of the deal when the person she brought me to ended up not being able to fully heal me and I did cover her in that patient's gown fully so it's not like she's going to get her clothes ruined. She might smell a bit more than she did prior to that little event, but hey, I bet Napoleon Bonaparte did too when he was exiled. Doesn't mean he didn't deserve it.

Just like it doesn't mean Rin may or may not deserve accidentally being crushed in the truck's compactor. Yes, that is a thing they have. But judging from her skill in Reinforcement she'll probably break out before then. Eh, I give her a 55% chance of survival. That's better than 50/50 at least.

By the time she makes her way back to us, I'll be cooped up in that mansion in the forest with enough defenses to make the Maginot Line look like child's play. And Rin most definitely does not have the ability to employ blitzkrieg tactics. She is not a tank, and if she were to bring a tank I could build ten for every one she has as a counter. But first, she'll have to David Copperfield her way out of that death trap I may or may not have intentionally placed her in.

I'm sure when all is said and done we'll get a cheap laugh out of this and reminisce about it when we're old and wrinkly. Or she'll try to kill me. In which case I'll have a viable excuse to use 'self-defense' and reenact Hiroshima and Nagasaki right here in Fuyuki. Oh, I should mention I'm not kidding with this. It may not be apparent, but I'm positively pissed over the latest turn of events.

Why I don't think I've been this angry since realizing the extent Kiara was indoctrinated in …. Ah, but that's a topic for another day. Now I just need to worry about figuring out how to fix my hearing and avoid any future ambushes. Because, I swear to Pesci, the Buddha, God, Satan, Zeus, and every other even remotely divine figure that was worshipped in human history that if I get ambushed one more fucking time I'm going to take the Pico and shove it up a Servant's ass!

I'm not kidding! Did I mention that?! This is the third or fourth time we've been caught off guard! The third or fourth time we've had to retreat! And the third or fourth time we've had to lick our wounds with our tails between our legs! No more of this shit! I'm going on the offensive even if it means I have to fight every Servant at once. I'll raze this whole goddamn city down if … wait, shouldn't say that. The whole point of this is to save the city so … I'll raze an unpopulated portion of this city if it lets me get back at these jackasses that keep popping up like Saturday morning cartoon villains!

What in the ever-loving fuck was that last thing we had to deal with?! The Washboard Wyvern?! A Komodo Dragon Kesha?! An accurate visual representation as to why two nukes weren't enough?! Whatever that creature was (her piercing shrieks and the fact that she had wings leads me to conclude she was some amalgamation of a human and seagull) I know one thing for certain. Next time she comes around with her dopey looking gothic Lolita ass I'm going to take that microphone she calls a spear and insert it–

"H-h-here's your c-c-cof-fee?" Why is the fake nurse trembling? And why is Nero looking at me with concern in her eyes? Oh. I'm shaking. Physically shaking. As if I'm Michael J. Foxx.

"Thank you." I try and mumble this to her, hoping a low tone of voice will set them both at ease. For all I know my attempt at whispering is still a loud yell.

Judging from the small smile I'm given by my 'practitioner' I can tell that it's had some effect. Nero, on the other hand, doesn't look that convinced.

Are you alright, Praetor? She makes the tactful decision to communicate mentally rather than vocally. It makes this easier on me for two reasons. The first obviously being my inability to properly hear. The second being how much this method of conversing lends itself better to secrecy. And I don't necessarily want to audibly voice my concerns aloud in front of a woman that could very well be a mole for Rin.

Just … thinking about some things.

Such as?

Our game plan going forward.

Understandable.

The manner in which she answers my response is a bit off-putting. Usually, she'd respond with some sort of suggestion, or ask me what the 'game plan' I had in mind was. Instead, she's just replied in a very clipped manner. As if something's on her mind–

Praetor? Are you going to ever explain why you did what you did to Rin?

Well shit, that explains it. Probably was shocking to see me run off into the street with her like I did.

Was she not to be our ally in this War?

She's being somewhat presumptuous with that kind of guesswork.

That's the assumption you made?

Assumption? I thought it was agreed upon? You told her–

I have to force myself to hold back a groan. I can see why you had so much trouble handling the Senate in your lifetime.

P-p-praetor! I fail to see what relevance those ungrateful–?!

Heh, I actually rustled her jimmies a little there.

Politics are a messy game, full of backstabbing and underhanded deals. It's weird to say this, considering what the history books say about you, but you're way too honest to be good at that kind of thing.

… I can't tell whether or not I should take that as a compliment?

Take it in stride. I'm probably the only one in history to ever consider Emperor Nero an honest person, but I do. You're as easy to read as an open textbook and it's obvious that even if you did the things they say you did it was a lifestyle forced upon you and not one you choose.

… Praetor. You are not being fair.

But I should explain what this has to do with Rin. It's quite simple. Rin said she would take me to someone that could fix my hearing. She lied, and as such I see no reason to have her stick around.

So you … gave her to that man outside? Who then tossed her inside that … what is it called? That 'truck'?

Exactly.

Was that really the best course of action? Could the two of you not have reconciled?

Are you seriously defending her? What's gotten into you?

… We had an enlightening conversation, Praetor.

That definitely sounds like bad news.

I hope it wasn't about me.

Praetor, my pride seems to have rubbed off on you.

… Shuddup. So then what did the two of you talk about?

As your Emperor, I should strive to be forefront with you when possible but, as a woman, I feel some things are intended to be kept secret.

The hell kind of crypto-bullshit is she spouting?

Just … wait. Does this mean we've passed the Bechdel test?

The what?

"Ex-ex-excuse me?" Before I can elaborate further, we're interrupted by the pseudo-doctor. Based on the fact that I can actually hear her I'm assuming she's screaming at us. How one could speak in such a volume and yet somehow still come across as timid is something I'll probably never understand. "I don't mean to interrupt b-b-but the two of you have been staring at each other in silence for a few minutes."

Ah, that's right, she doesn't know Nero's my Servant (or at least she shouldn't if Rin kept her word). She probably doesn't even know about the War– No, that'd be too much to hope for. This conflict might be the last bastion of secrecy left in the world but even so it's something even the most novice mage will know of. After the last War, it wasn't something the Association could exactly hide even if they wanted to.

"Pardon us, we were just deep in thought." While it was quite the coincidence that two people would be daydreaming simultaneously, it's not an inconceivable occurrence. Had I been saying this to someone such as Kiara, Taiga, or probably even Rin they would have called me out on it. But this is the 'nurse' known as–

What was her name again? 'Sasuke'? Was that it? Rin told me it but I can't even be bothered to recall what she said. It starts with an 'S'. Has like six or maybe seven letters in it. Maybe more. Maybe less. I think it translated into 'strawberry'. Though maybe not. 'Satsuki'? 'Shiki'? 'Suburashi'? 'Seabiscuit'? Nope, none of those are ringing a bell. I don't know, she's kind of plain looking and not very competent (my ears are only at around 10% condition wise) so let's just call her NPC. No, not 'non-player character'. 'Not particularly competent'. What? I won't remember her the second I step out of her 'office'.

It's not that she's unattractive. By 'plain looking' I'm not trying to insult her. That pink-haired version of Miley Cyrus we encountered in the woods was most definitely not 'plain looking'. I would have much rather she be. Then I wouldn't have had to deal with her public indecency (the top of her dress was more revealing than the panty window in Nero's skirt). Nor, would she be such a nuisance. In this relatively short existence I've enjoyed I've come to the scientific conclusion that beautiful women are more likely to be unhinged in some manner. Kiara. Taiga (when she was younger). Rin. And yes, Nero. Love the girl to death but she's not exactly sane. I don't think anyone that's ruled a nation, let alone an empire, can have that word applied to them. And that's coming from me, so you know it's accurate.

In conclusion, Sunflower Seeds … err, 'NPC' is as much of a plain-Jane as you'd imagine, shy for a few details of her appearance, and that's not something I can fault her for. If anything, I commend her for having a beautiful (albeit frustrating) personality to offset the normalcy of her visage. If she didn't behave like a survivor of domestic violence it'd be all the better. I mean, she flinches every time I so much as gesture in her immediate direction. And she's got this distant, soulless, thousand-yard stare that's just unnerving to witness. Seriously. I've seen that look before in the eyes of human trafficking victims and child soldiers. It's not something I should be seeing in the cold, dead, violet (I mentioned she did have a few visual quirks, no?) pupils of an unlicensed street healer.

… I sound like a complete ass, don't I? Pardon me, but I can't help it. This woman's likely older than me. Not as old as Taiga but somewhat close if I'm going to go off of her crow's feet, wrinkled brow, and the slight specks of white in her brunette hair. I could be wrong. She could be younger than me. She's got a figure to rival Nero's. One that'd leave a more lasting impression if it didn't come packaged with her slouched shoulders and averted eyes. Eyes that are, again, unnerving to me because they're not at all fitting. Even if she is older than me, someone that naturally has her kind of personality shouldn't be so … jumpy. Maybe she's an ex-addict? Or a current one? She has the means with the various prescriptions (mundane and supernatural) she's surrounded herself with. But that doesn't seem right. She reminds me of how Kiara used to look … maybe that's why I'm focusing on this so much?

Praetor … you are rambling aloud.

Am I? Judging from the fidgeting the object of my perplexion is currently partaking in this is likely true.

You have also been staring her down. I tried to warn you, but you were not registering what I was saying.

That could be because you were trying to talk to a mostly-deaf man.

No, Praetor. I was trying to communicate through our mental link. You were so distracted in your musings that I was about to physically rouse you.

Do me a favor and do that if it ever happens again. You've noticed by now that it's easy for me to get distracted. We're going to have to figure out some kind of system if I can't get my hearing fixed.

I would be happy to do so, Praetor but … what about Sakura?

Sakura?

The nurse, Praetor.

Oh. You mean 'NPC'.

No, Praetor. I meant 'Sakura'. Your nicknames may be amusing in their childishness, but I do not think it wise to insult our host. Especially when she has been so kind.

Hey, don't blame me. Her name's way too generic for me to remember it right off the bat. What else was I supposed to do?

Ask her what her name was?

… You're no fun, you know that?

Praetor, only a sadist would mock those that serve them dutifully. I assure you I am most definitely not sadistic, and I had assumed this was the case for you as well.

First off, you made an inaccurate assumption. I'm a cruel, malicious, vindictive little man. Secondly, you're not sadistic? Ok, I don't want to really throw past mistakes in your face because you could do the same thing to me and neither of us would be any better from it but … can I just bring up the whole 'burning crucified Christians alive in your garden' thing?

… It would seem you need to be re-educated, Praetor. I am unsure where you have gotten your sources but these atrocities you associate with me simply did not happen.

You're going to go the "I dindu nuffin" route? Have we really stooped this low?

I am being serious here, Praetor. If anything, you have done far worse by insulting Sakura after she tried to help you.

I don't think we can associate softcore genocide with bullying. I might be mistaken, but I'm fairly certain those two things are pretty incomparable in degree.

… Just apologize, Praetor.

Next, you'll expect me to apologize to Rin.

Please, Praetor. If it were not beneath me I would do so in your stead.

Oh so apologizing isn't your thing but it has to be mine?

I have not done anything wrong, Praetor. You have.

Are we really going to argue about this? We were doing so good except for the whole "you burning my forest" and "me going deaf" thing.

Praetor ….

Fine, fine. Pesci, you're worse than my mother.

I am merely trying my best to keep you in check, Praetor. I would expect you to extend the same courtesy towards me in the event I make a mistake.

Aren't you the 'I'm perfect 100% of the time' chick?

No, Praetor. If I were perfect I likely would have sought out a different Master to contract with.

Ouch. That actually stings a little.

But … if you were perfect you would have done the same.

Here's where I'm supposed to say 'you're wrong' but I'm not going to because I'd be lying. Yeah, if I wasn't so much of a royal fuckup I would have probably summoned King Arthur or some other shithead.

Umu … you could have lied just a little, you know?

Nah, there'd be no point. I think you've got a good read on how I act so you'd probably catch it. Besides, I think it goes without saying that perfection's overrated anyway. It's way more interesting having you as a Heroic Spirit.

… That was unexpectedly touching, Praetor.

Well, King Arthur's a dude and you're an attractive woman so while it'd be interesting to have a bromance going on I can honestly say I prefer the eye candy.

Not bad, Praetor. You are definitely getting bolder, but I still have to deduct some points overall because it was obvious your heart was not in it.

Heh, see? I figured you could tell if I was lying. Now you just have to figure out what part of that spiel was the lie. Anyway–

Wait, what do you mean by that?

Anyway, I don't know how we got sidetracked from me mumbling about how depressing our 'host' was to this. I'll apologize to her, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. This isn't something I'm exactly used to.

Praetor, I feel it would be in your best interest to first explicitly reveal exactly what you meant when you said–

Alrighty then! Wish me luck!

Praetor, there is no reason to depart from this conversation. You could very easily apologize while continuing to explain in excruciating detail what you just meant when you said–

Nope! I'm a one-track mind kind of guy. Multitasking is something I'm only good at when it's with my hands not with my head. Plus, I need you to serve as a translator. How else am I supposed to know what she's saying?

Praetor? I hope in the foreseeable future you show more 'dere' and less 'tsun'.

Only if you start acting less like a himedere.

A 'himedere'? Praetor, it is unfair to call me such a thing. At best you could argue I behave like a kamidere but even that would be stretching.

What in the hell is a 'kamidere'? Why do you know all of this?

As I said, Rin and I had an interesting conversation. Mostly about Japanese norms, culture, and the more scenic places in this country that I should prioritize visiting. I feel I have a well-rounded grasp on how to begin capturing the hearts and minds of these–

Going to stop you there. Just ... translate, por favor.

That means 'please', Praetor.

No, I mean actually help me apologize if you want me to do it. Or else I'm going to leave, head to the nearest bar, and drown my sorrows in a glass of–

Let us not get too hasty, Praetor.

Great, now tell her this–

One obligatory apology later (I'll spare you the details, just know that I'm fairly certain Nero spruced up my words before dishing them out) and we've finally made some headway. Am I still mostly deaf? Yup. Are my clothes (as well as Nero's) still trashed? Yup. But hey, Sakura over there doesn't look like she's going to cry anymore and Rin's gone so that's two big pluses in my book. Do they outweigh not being able to hear? No. No, they do not. But I'm trying my best to be a 'glass half-full' kinda guy until this is taken care of. How am I going to fix this? Beats me. I could probably solder together some kind of makeshift hearing aid given enough time and experimentation, but circuitry isn't exactly my area of expertise. Neither is the inner ear. Or healing Magecraft. Or social skills. I'm beginning to understand that I might be a little out of my depth in this War.

THIS IS A LINE BREAK BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON THE ACTUAL LINE BREAK WASN'T FORMATTING CORRECTLY HERE

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"Thanks again (for nothing). I'm sure Rin will be back eventually (probably not)."

Praetor, she said "You're very welcome. Come back if you ever need anything."

Now I find myself waving goodbye to this failure of a medic known as Sakura. I didn't get a chance to 'hire' that homeless guy. He's run off somewhere and I doubt I'll ever see him again. He'll forever have my gratitude though for his simple act of slam-dunking Rin into a garbage truck.

I'm not going to beat around the bush too much here. There's no way in hell I'll be coming back to this place if I can help it. Sure, Sakura made a mean cup of Joe. Sure, she was an incredibly polite and kindhearted soul. But that doesn't change the fact that she did jack diddly for my hearing. Nor does it change the fact that she's connected to Rin in some manner. Furthermore–

Wait … 'Sakura'…. Wasn't the Matou representative supposedly named 'Sakura'?! The girl that I was supposed to have confronted instead of that little punk?! But … no, she looks nothing like the description Kaz gave me. She's shapely, and definitely busty, but she doesn't have purple hair and she's much older than the mage I was supposed to have encountered. Granted, Kaz did screw up regardless. He didn't mention anything about a snot-nosed brat being a Master. I'm going to let that mistake slide though. Had I confronted a more competent Master I would have likely never contracted with Nero. Instead, I would have been sliced and diced into a million little pieces, courtesy of that sword she totes around. Eh, it's probably all some sort of big misunderstanding. I mean, Sakura's a pretty common name around these parts and the Sakura that we just met doesn't look like a Matou to me. Nor does she act like I'd expect one of them too.

That kid on the other hand … yeah, he's a Matou no doubt.

Anyway, Nero and I are now setting out to deal with probably the only problem we now have that I know how to address. The whole 'our clothes being trashed' thing. There's a dry cleaner near where my old house (R.I.P.) was. I'd used them a few times in the past. Mostly to clean the very same jacket that needs to be scrubbed now. You'd think I would have learned by now and just tried to inscribe a trait of 'Cleanliness' on the fabric? It's more difficult than you think. While yes, I'd have an easier time with the inside portion, as it's entirely composed of cotton, the exterior's pure leather, PETA be damned.

For whatever reason, cotton fits inside the overarching composition of the 'Wood' Element. Leather, obviously, doesn't fit into 'Wood' or 'Metal' so I'd have to exert a little bit more energy working with it, but it wasn't impossible. Just not practical. Alteration's fantastic because it's rather straightforward once you know what you're doing. You're just adding properties to an object. I'd imagine it'd be possible of doing the exact same with rune magic, but I'm far from one to use runes (never interested me) so using the more direct (and in some respects, flexible) Alteration branch of Magecraft works better for my purposes.

Making a previously flammable piece of linen fireproof just by transitioning it from 'Flammable' to 'Retardant' is a lot easier than turning a fire extinguisher into a flamethrower. At first, that doesn't make sense. The basic structure of Alteration is that it targets the inherent base properties of an object (usually an object, but I've heard of some of the loonies out there trying to use it on humans) and supplements one thing for another. Something has to be taken away in order for a new trait to be added. For instance, when turning a soda can into a grenade the first thing I do is swap out the 'Malleable' component of aluminum to the 'Rigid' one of steel. Both are related to the structure of the object, and both are physical in nature so it's easy enough to swap one for another.

In trying to transition a fire extinguisher to a flamethrower you have to first understand the main focus should be in altering the composition of the chemical concoction in the extinguisher. It'd be easy enough to change the container into a facsimile of a flamethrower's fuel tank but to actually make it emit fire the chemicals contained within would have to be changed. And that's more or less a role better suited to Transmutation. Sure, it could theoretically be done, but why would you start a fire with sticks when you have lighter fluid nearby?

This applies to changing the appearance of clothes simply because I can't really use Alteration to change the momentary conditions of an object. Color is one thing, but dirtiness is just a temporary state of existence, it's not an inherent base component of something's being. No one creates clothing with the intent that it should be dirty at all times. If they did I could easily change that into 'Cleanliness' without much thought. But for treating something that's just been rendered filthy from a roll in the mud it'd be a complete waste.

I'd have to first pick one trait (probably something related to the physical appearance of the jacket, like it's color, or it's material) and change that into 'Dirtiness'. Then, from there I could change that 'Dirtiness' to 'Cleanliness'. Changing it to 'Cleanliness' prior to it being 'Dirtiness' would just make the fabric spotless underneath the coat of grime currently covering it. Which would be pointless. And going so far as to alter it twice would be even more pointless when I can just go to a laundromat and have them do it for zero prana and only a few hundred yen.

"Understood?" I've gone into far too much detail. Nero had just asked out of curiosity why I couldn't clean my own clothes. Instead of just saying "Alteration doesn't work that way" I rambled along for a good ten minutes. We're almost to that aforementioned laundromat by now. Pesci, I would have been a wonderful politician. Or a college professor. Talking so much and saying so very little.

"Mmm … I believe so, Praetor. However, when I asked my question I was referring to the fact that you could just as easily clean your own clothes at home instead of tracking down a cleaner."

… Oh. Well, way to waste my time then. "Don't know how." And with a nonchalant shrug, I've given her probably the most worthless answer possible.

"How to what, Praetor?"

"Clean my clothes. I used to have Kiara do it before she moved out."

It's a pitiful thing to admit. That I once used child labor to keep my wardrobe in shape. But, at least I didn't put her to work out in the fields or something. And I gave her food, water, y'know all the necessities. And she had been the one to offer the help so who was I to get in her way? Besides, kids nowadays get away with too much. Back in the good old days they used to work in coal mines. Now, I didn't have Kiara work in a coal mine, but I think doing the laundry worked just as well at teaching her personal responsibility and– Who the hell am I kidding with this?

"This explains so much." There's an underlying tone of seriousness in that which I'm entirely convinced is not a good thing.

"Excuse me? What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Ahem, Praetor, there are some things you should be able to do for yourself. Men should be reliable after all."

"Reliable?" Am I the only one that thinks it a bit ironic a failed tyrant is saying this?

"Yes, Praetor. There are some things my pride will not permit me to aid you in. Cooking is one thing, but this, this is indecent."

'Indecent'? She's lecturing me on decency?

"I mean, you're not exactly one to talk. At any time you could fix your dress and yet you insist on keeping it messed up just to have an excuse to buy modern clothes."

"Praetor, you were the one to offer!"

"Yeah, but it's not like you couldn't just repair what you're wearing now and still get a different outfit? I didn't think it possible for you to show more flesh, but yet again you prove me wrong."

"Praetor, did I not say we were equals when we first met?"

I suppose she did, but I have no idea whatsoever as to how that's related to what we're currently talking about. "You did. How does that apply here?"

She looks at me as if I'm stupid. How am I the stupid one when she's the one not making any goddamn–?! "Praetor, if I were to mend my clothes while yours were in tatters our relationship would appear to be that of a peasant and his princess and not two partners."

A pang of … something hits me in the chest. It's probably heartburn or some various medical ailment signaling my future demise but … who does this chick think she is? I flick her in the forehead. Not hard, no I don't think even I could bear to be so cruel, but I still do so with enough force to get her attention. "Stop overthinking things. I don't care how others see me. I mean, my house (the one you burned down) was a massive eyesore in the community and that didn't stop me from living there in peace (until you torched the place for no reason)."

We continue to walk in silence. Dull, grating silence. I can't bare it. "Besides, I don't think anyone would take you for a 'princess' with that dress. A prostitute maybe but–" My attempt at comedic relief is cut short by a soft jab to my ribs. "Alright maybe I deserved–"

"Praetor, I wish I could believe you." We've stopped once more and now, to make matters worse, she's not looking me in the eye. "But everyone worries how others see them. Even complete strangers." Were this not a mental conversation I probably wouldn't even be able of comprehending what she was saying. That's how quiet it is. I'm partially inclined to believe this isn't something I was meant to hear and is instead her thinking aloud to herself. "Those who pretend they do not end up being the loneliest amongst us." I mean … maybe? I don't know if that's something you can conclude so easily. There's a million other ways to create a feeling of isolation and none of them have anything to do with being thick-skinned. "We can only find disappointment from the mistruths we tell ourselves, because all lies will inevitably be shown for what they are. False."

"Ok, Edgar Allan Poe, cut it out with the edge or I'm going to have to take away that gigantic butcher blade of yours before you do something drastic."

"Which is why–!" She completely ignores my remark. Thankfully. I don't know how I would have reacted had she seriously replied to it. "–we should only be truthful about who we are!"

I flick her in the head again. "Shuddup."

"The voice of truth can never be silenced, Praetor. This is what you must hear!" Can't really do the whole 'hearing' thing, now can I? "Come to me with any of your misgivings and I will welcome you with open arms! There is no need to lie for I am–"

"Hey, Miss Armchair Psychologist? Did it ever occur to you that you're reading way too much into this?"

"Not at all, Praetor! It is only natural for us to find solace in the praise we receive from others. That is why the adoration bestowed upon me by my people was so important. We all yearn for the same."

"No, I think that'd get old real quick. How am I supposed to sleep when people are constantly cheering for me?"

"You miss the point, Praetor. Being recognized for our successes is what brings us happiness. When we are scorned because of our failures we feel defeated. This is the instinctual reaction of man, and those of us that pretend not to feel it will only find themselves lost when they realize they have been lying to themselves." She nods as if she's said something profound. "Do not let yourself fall into this trap, Praetor. Rely on the support of others or else you will fall. Alone, and without anyone to pick you up."

There's a few things I don't think I ever expected to happen to me. Becoming possessed by the ghost of Duke Ellington was on the top of that list (don't ask) before it was replaced by "fighting a gigantic moth creature that shot laser beams from its eyes". Underneath that impossibility would probably have been 'receiving self-help advice from a genderbent Roman emperor' had I the imagination to concoct such an idea. And yet here I am.

"This is alright and dandy, but can you please, for the love of Pesci, explain to me what this has to do with me not caring that people think I look like a slob when I walk around in filthy clothes?"

"Why that is simple, Praetor." The hands are on the hips so this is probably going to be good. "You are lying to yourself. You do care how others see your appearance. If you did not why would you have bothered changing to begin with?"

"Isn't that just something you do? I'm not saying I just wear the same pair of underwear for three weeks or something. I'm just saying it's not too out of the realm of possibility for me to not care if others scoff at me wearing a dirty and bloody jacket. The how it got dirty and bloody is more important, is it not?"

"I can concede that point, but I still hold firm in the belief that you are lying to yourself when you say you don't care."

"Is there any reason this matters? So what if I'm lying? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Because, Praetor … I lied to myself when I pretended the change in how my public perceived me did not affect me and … it made the betrayal even worse."

Ah, so she's projecting her insecurities upon me? Oh wow, I worded that so it sounded completely heartless. Ahem, she's trying to understand how I'm feeling by rationalizing my responses based on her experiences and how she'd feel. There. In short, she's trying and failing spectacularly to empathize with me.

That's sweet of her. But not too important right now. I made a half-hearted attempt at assuaging her concern over us not appearing as 'equals' (this is from the girl with an ego as big as the Hindenburg) only for her to be even more concerned by me not being concerned.

Why do the women in my life have to be so complex?

"Here's the difference. I'm not going to care if some random nobody sees me in a negative light. I'm not a king and these city dwellers aren't my subjects so I don't care how they view me. Now, if you considered me to be a peasant that'd probably hurt but that's completely different. Quality vs. quantity, get it?"

"Your argument is that we should care only about those close to us?"

"Yeah, isn't that kinda obvious? How do you see it?"

"Everyone is a citizen of Roma, Praetor. All of these people are my subjects, so I should pride myself on gaining their favor."

What backwater logic is this? "You think Japanese people are Romans?" So is ramen just spaghetti without the marinara sauce?

She rolls her eyes. "Not by blood, but by virtue of being civilized. Civilization itself is a product of Roma, and all those that retain a society are therefore too products of the very same Roma."

That is probably the most grossly oversimplified statement I've ever heard in my life. "I don't know if it applies directly here, but I feel this is a 'correlation vs. causation' thing. I'm just going to say that one: by making your pool of 'subjects' so broad you're literally placing the weight of the world on your shoulders, and two: none of these people are my 'subjects' so I give fuck all how they feel about me."

"But you are my Praetor, are you not?"

"Yeah. I'm your Praetor, ya dunce. I'm not the Praetor of Mr. Sakamoto down the street that gave me the evil eye every day when I went out to get my mail."

Awe. Awe is the reaction I receive and definitely not the one I expected. What did she think I was actually auditioning for a government position in her new Roman Empire?

"Hopefully that point gets through your thick skull, otherwise I'm going to just have to repeat it verbatim infinitely until it does. We're partners, got it? As long as your opinion of me is positive the rest of the world doesn't matter."

A massive smile blossoms on her lips, and for some reason her cheeks are tinted a modest shade of red. "Praetor … I would never have thought you to be the one to say such embarrassing things in public …."

Embarrassing? What's embarrassing about me saying something so blatantly truthful? I'm her Master (damn that word) and she's my Servant. We're in a War in which our fates are intertwined. Who the hell has time to care about keeping up appearances in public with such pressure? Empathy comes in limited quantities and I can only extend it to so many people before the process drains me. I don't want to rule the world like she does (apparently). I just want to help out this city so it doesn't get blasted off the face of Earth by unforeseen powers. It doesn't matter if the people of this city like me, all that matters is that at the end of this I can walk away feeling like I did something good in the world.

My goal in all of this isn't even selfless, if anything it's pure selfishness and pride that's keeping me alive. I have to do one good deed. Just one. Ideally, well, more like originally, this was saving Fuyuki from the very real possibility that this War's victor could have malicious intent. Now, with Nero's existence there's a few other options available to me. None of them involve me caring about if Joe Schmoe at the sushi stand likes the color of sneakers I sport.

I just need to … wait. I'm starting to realize something …. She took my words in a completely out of context manner, didn't she?

"Hold up. Stop the blushing. Nothing I said was remotely embarrassing and this is most definitely not me displaying indecent levels of public affection." Damage control. Damage control is what I'm currently attempting. It's a lost cause though. I might as well be one of the engineers trying to stop the reactor at Chernobyl from blowing.

I receive a soft pat on my head in response. "There, there, Praetor. No need to shame yourself by lying."

She's standing on her tippy toes to do this. Her tippy toes. And she's already wearing those weird high heels. This is probably the most demeaning experience I've gone through in my– no wait. I've had worse done to me. Many times. Mostly at the hands of Kiara, but occasionally because of some insane scheme Taiga came up with. Or Kaz. And there was that phone call from that Tohsaka woman that one time …. I'm not getting into details on that.

"Woman. You are an Emperor, are you not? Have some dignity and trust me when I say you're reading far too much into–!"

"Praetor?" She stops patting me. "In the past, you insisted on participating in battle by my side. I (begrudgingly) agreed. But I ask of you to trust in my talent and not needlessly endanger your life for my sake going forward."

Woah, talk about an abrupt shift in topics. "What?"

She folds her arms over her chest. This entire conversation that perpetually enthusiastic attitude she adopts has been severely subdued and this change in stance reflects upon that greatly. Normally her crossing her arms would signal she's deep in thought and would be her attempt at displaying her gung-ho nature with a posture meant to convey unyielding confidence. You see, most think of those that cross their body parts (typically their arms or legs, I've never seen someone cross their ears or fingers) as being passive. The posture is usually seen as being a defensive one and for good reason. Most who do cross their arms are doing so to subconsciously cover a part of themselves from the person they're conversing with. But there are some who, in doing this, are trying to show a stance comparable to that of an unmoving rock. In adopting a defensive appearance they attempt to assure their compatriot that they are reliable.

Normally, Nero would be of the latter camp. Now though? She's of the former. And those crossed arms are signaling exactly that. Along with the slight inclination of her shoulders that's normally not present.

"In our last fight, you believed me to be in danger and acted accordingly. However, while I am grateful for your concern it doesn't change the fact that you underestimated my skill and harmed yourself in doing so."

She nods. Twice. As if assuring herself that this is the right path to take. "You have put me in a predicament, Praetor. I feel guilty that your attempt at helping me caused you harm and yet upset that you felt the need to interfere. It indicates you lack confidence in me."

"Well duh," I reply without thinking things through. A terrible fault of mine. Diarrhea of the mouth leads to all kinds of trouble. "It's nothing personal against you, I just lack confidence in the stability of life. I'd rather risk myself to potentially save you even if in hindsight it was a mistake."

She sighs. "Praetor, I trust you and you need to do the same. Any hesitation, any mistakes can end up costing you your life."

"Better me than you."

Once again she's taken aback. But this time it's for all the wrong reasons. "Praetor, what do you mean by–?"

"Let's not get into that." I cut her off before this can go any further. I've had this very same conversation with Kaz and Kiara so there's no need in reiterating points I've already made. "I trust you. I do. But life's fickle, and battle is a thing of chance. If I can shift the odds I'll take any risk required of me."

"You do not need to risk yourself for me, Praetor. I am your sword, after all."

"Nah, you're my partner. We're just two peas in a pod."

Her eyes widen. "You are saying we are like soulmates?"

Oh fuck. Abort! Abort! "Y-y-you misinterpreted that. I'm trying to say that if you get killed I'm probably going to die too considering–!"

She's grinning! Stop that!

"Considering that we're in a War and without you I'm going to get curb stomped by some overpowered fantasy hero looking sonofabitch! So, what I'm getting at is–!"

"There, there, Praetor!" Stop it with the head pats! That was my shtick! "I understand completely." Really? That's wonderful! I thought for a moment there that my goose was– "You are just shy."

My mouth drops. I can't control the movement of my own jaw. "What?!"

"Normally, I would find such bashfulness irritating. Men should be forward with their intentions, after all." Where the hell are you going with this you–!

"Lady, you're like several thousand years too old for me, ok!"

She wraps an arm around my shoulder, drawing me in closer. Like a spider that's caught a fly upon its web. "Rin shared with me a wise piece of advice that she assured me was well accepted in modernity." That bitch! "Age is just a number, is it not?"

How is anyone supposed to respond to that? How can anyone even try to respond to that?! I do so with as straight a face as I can muster. "You're fucking with me, right? If you're not I'm going to banish you with Kiara in the Shadow Realm."

"Yes, Praetor, I am 'kidding' as you would say."

"Oh thank Pesci." A drop of sweat falls from my brow out of relief.

"From what Rin told me–" Really regretting not making sure that trash compactor I tossed her in had a dianoga in it! "the Grail summons a Heroic Spirit at the point in their life in which they were in their prime. So in reality, I am much younger than you."

Wait, what does she mean by that? "Just curious, but how old do you think I am?"

Her eyes dance across my features, likely trying to establish as accurate of a guess as possible. "I would estimate that you are in your late thirties, perhaps early forties?"

My pride has been unequivocally shattered. "Please. Please tell me this is just an elaborate attempt at getting me to agree with your initial guess on my mental state."

She blinks. As if shocked by my negative reaction. "I know not of what you mean, Praetor? Is that not an accurate guess as to how old you–?"

"BY THE POWER OF MY COMMAND SPELL I COMPEL YOU TO–!"

"Praetor, that is not necessary you are right I was just attempting to force you to compromise on your stubborn insistence that–!"

"Ok, great. Glad we cleared that up." I start walking away, far too tired for how little I've accomplished. "You win, let's go get some new clothes now. We've had like three debates in the past twenty-four hours and I think my brain will explode if we have another one."

"You get migraines too, Praetor?" She seems genuinely curious about this.

"Only when you're around." I pause in consideration. "Scratch that, only when I'm dealing with you, Kiara, Taiga, Kaz, Rin, most of the guys I've hired, the chief of police, this one dude that thinks I owe him money because I demolished his cabbage cart, my middle school math teacher Ms. Brown, and–"

"My condolences, Praetor. You must have a headache constantly."

"Well, someone once said to me 'through suffering we find strength' so that might apply here. Let's just keep walking though."

And we do as such until ….

"So, does this mean you will trust me more in battle?"

"Sure."

"And do you concede that you do care how others view you?"

"Yeah, fine, whatever. But the opinion of people I care about obviously matters more."

"You care about me, Praetor?"

"If I didn't I would have ordered you to commit suicide after that comment on my age."

"I am touched."

"Staaahhhppp. Not in that way."

"In what way, Praetor?"

"Just get back to listing off stuff I'm supposed to 'concede' on."

"You're blushing, Praetor."

"It's hot out here and I'm wearing a long-sleeved jacket."

"Will you rely on my more now?"

"Sure."

"And will you try to stop lying to yourself?"

"That's a lot to ask and I don't even think I would even be able of seeing if I was lying to myself but sure, I'll give it a shot. You have to do the same though."

"Hmm?"

"Stop trying to pretend the fate of the world rests on your shoulders. That's a burden no one should have to handle. If you're going to be an emperor be an emperor. Not a slave."

The chirping of cicadas is the only answer I receive. Strange, I didn't think it was their mating season this time of year?

"Oh, and don't hold your combat prowess in such high regard when you almost got slaughtered by that old due in the plate mail."

"… Was it necessary to bring that up, Praetor?"

"Yup. If you're going to squash my pride I need to return the favor when I can. I'm your advisor, am I not?"

She sighs. "I suppose that is correct, just please try to be gentle."

"Bwahahaha!"

"Why are you laughing?"

"No reason. Let's just get this errand taken care of so we can head home."

….

"Praetor? What about Rin?"

"Who?"

"Rin, Praetor."

"Who's that?"

"… Never mind. I am sure she will understand."

"Don't know who you're talking about but I just wanted to say I really hope The Trash Man didn't pick up the garbage from the butcher yet. That'd be a shame."

"Praetor, you are being cruel."

"You're one to speak."

"That may be, but it still is unwise to antagonize a potential ally for no reason."

"I have many, many reasons. And she's not someone I would ever think of as an 'ally'."

"Really, Praetor? I think that is a shame."

"How come? Oh, wait, let me guess? She's an attractive young woman."

Nero shakes her head, a small smirk playing at the edges of her lips. "There is that, but no, Praetor. I am referring to the fact that she had undeniably a wealth of information on our opponents in this War."

That takes me aback. "What? She actually said that?"

She wags a finger at me. "No. She did better. She proved it."

I can't help but raise an eyebrow. This changes things. Not to a considerable degree, but just enough that I might rethink my judgment of Rin. Now, instead of tossing her to the trash I might need to interrogate her on a few things. Her knowledge about the War alone is suspicious. Granted, every mage worth their worth should know about this and I did already assume she knew but hearing it confirmed as being true causes me to think.

Why would a mage be in Fuyuki now, during the War, when they know about the War? I could have given her the benefit of the doubt had it turned out she, somehow, had no idea the War existed. However, if she knows, Occam's Razor suggests she's here to participate in it to some extent. Which means I should trust her even less. But if she does have useful information like Nero suggests ….

"How did she prove it?"

Cue the hands on hips, pushed out chest, yada yada yada. She's gone into what I'm going to coin as the "Emperor's Stance". "She was brief on the matter, but she did bring up the Harwey family you mentioned having two Masters within it."

"Two Masters?" Kaz did mention two of them recently arriving in Fuyuki ... Well, I suppose it's Leo and Julius. Otherwise known colloquially by many as "the blonde faggot and his emo brother" (and by many I mean Kaz). The head of the whole Harwey family and the head of their security detail. None of the other members fit the bill for this type of thing. Too extravagant, gluttonous, frivolous, etc. Most of them act exactly as you'd expect from people that inherited immeasurable wealth. Leo though. He bought the bullshit his granddad spouted. And Julius … he's too "useful" for them not to give him a Master slot if possible.

"Praetor … your knees …?"

They're shaking. As are my hands. But that could just be because I've been without alcohol for more than twenty-four hours. The knees though …. I'm scared. That's the only thing it could be. I'm terrified at the thought of going against one Harwey. Two of them? And when Julius is all but confirmed as being one of that duo? The guy that leads one of the world's most elite counter-terrorist organizations (the most elite private one) and somehow is more brutal than the terrorists he brings in? Yeah. He brings them in more often then he kills them. Back when I was dealing with Hack & … forget it. Those chumps are nothing compared to his average bounty. This is the guy that can singlehandedly take down a Chechen cell without even being noticed. Spetsnaz can't even do that!

"Shit." Which Servant is his? It can't have been any we've come across so far. If it had been he would have involved himself in the battle in some way. Sort of like how I do, except probably more effectively. Leo would personally greet an opponent before a fight. I know that for sure. Guy loves the spotlight.

"Dammit, why can't anything be easy?"

A comforting hand grips my shoulder. "Praetor." Nero's voice rouses me from my thoughts. I look deep into the emerald pools that are her pupils. "There is no need to fear. No matter the foe, I shall stand by your side."

I blink, and it's like all that tension that'd built up within me just dissipates. Gone without any forewarning.

I still flick her in the forehead.

"Praetor?!"

"Jeez, stop being so serious all of a sudden. You're starting to creep me out." I slip outside of her grasp, using a carefree stretch to make the movement look casual. "I must be a really pitiful guy to need pep talks from you of all people."

Tears begin to form in the corners of her eyes, and once again I'm greeted by the dreaded– "Umu … what do you mean by "you of all people", Praetor?"

Nothing can stop the sigh from coming out. Just as the mandatory pinching of the bridge of my nose can't be averted. "Don't take it the wrong way. Let's … let's just go shopping, alright? You need clothes, right?"

And just like that, she straightens up. "Yes, but you are in much more dire need for a change in wardrobe."

"Yeah. Ok. And?"

She grins, and just like that I've known I've made a mistake. "Of course, as your Emperor, I will be more than happy to assist you in properly building your trousseau."

If only I didn't know what that word meant. "I'm not a bride. Nor am I a woman. And you should really try and avoid using French."

"I find the word is appropriate for your condition." That's scary. "And why should I not speak in the tongue of the French? Are they not just descendants of great Roma?"

"Cette langue que je n'aime pas."

She makes a funny face at my terrible pronunciation and broken grammar. "You … do not like their language?"

"Mainly because I'm awful at it. Spanish was way easier to figure out."

"I did not realize you were bilingual?"

"Out of necessity, not desire. When I first started out I couldn't exactly afford to hire a translator to pal around with me. Magecraft could have solved this but the guy that taught me was kind of lackluster in going over the basics."

"I gathered as much from your inability to use more than minor healing spells."

"Yeah, well enough about me and my inferiority. Let's see if we can find something less trashy to wear and then how about we stop by this dry cleaner I know to see if I can salvage my jacket?"

She pounds a balled-up fist into her other palm. "Not the exact wording I would use but perfectly agreeable nonetheless! I do hope the fashion of this era does not disappoint!" Ah. She's pumped. Lovely.

"Please just don't go overboard. I don't think I can recover from a second bankruptcy."

There's a fire in her eyes. Not good. Definitely not good. "I make no promises, Praetor! If something catches my fancy can you fault me for wishing to claim it?"

"Yes," I reply without missing a beat. "That's called controlling your impulses."

She starts laughing. As if such a thing is a joke. "Nonsense, Praetor! Allowing your impulses to run wild can be a most euphoric experience. You should try it some–!"

"No."

"Then let us be off!" She bounces back without a single pause, grabbing ahold of my hand and dragging me behind her in much the same manner an impatient pet owner would pull along a leashed dog digging its heels into the ground. Pesci, my credit score's going to plummet after this.

---

"They've mobilized." Far above the crowd, on the top floor of Fuyuki's second tallest building, stood a single man. A black fur coat embraced most of his torso. It's collar reached up to his nose, concealing most of his face from anyone not looking directly at him. Here he stood alone, overlooking the cityscape below. With eyes too perfect to be human, he observed his targets from several miles away. Only a Servant could do the same with unaided eyes, though it'd be too much to call this man's sight "unaided".

"To where?"

"… It would seem they are going… shopping. The direction they are heading to leads directly to this city's market district." To the outside viewer it would appear he was talking to himself, but in all actuality, he was speaking to the practically invisible earpiece nuzzled inside his inner ear.

"Did you hear anything?"

"Yes, they were quite loud for some reason. It could be said that they were … screaming at one another. I picked up on most of their conversation with relative ease." His tone was completely monotone. Which was to be expected considering his professional nature.

"That's great to hear! I'm proud of you, brother!" The praise very nearly had no effect upon him. Only the faintest hint of a blush blossomed on his cheeks, showing that even this machine of a man could feel some vague sense of embarrassment when called for.

"It is nothing. I'll debrief you on their conversation once I return. But it looks like they won't be our biggest concern."

"Oh? Why's that?" The voice on the other end sounded genuinely curious, perking up even more at the mention of a new challenge they needed to face.

"There is this girl. Surname of Emiya. I find her to be … troubling."

"Emiya … Emiya … oh. That Emiya?"

"Presumably. She recently purchased the former residence of one Rin Tohsaka as well."

"Yes … this does sound "troubling"."

The man on the rooftop nodded, despite knowing full well that his listener couldn't see him. "There is also the matter of the other Servants. I had Assassin engage the familiar, as you wished."

"Ah. The behemoth. How did that go?"

"Not well. Assassin was unscathed but so was the beast. It seems to have a level of invulnerability to it."

"Hmm … we've confirmed it's not a Heroic Spirit though, correct?"

"Without a doubt. The prana signature it emits is completely different."

A frustrated sigh comes across the line. "Then it's likely the work of this War's Caster. I'll have Rani look into it more closely. She's good with these sorts of things."

"What do you wish for me to do now, Milord?"

An answer doesn't come.

"Milord?"

"Oh, sorry. Gawain was just handing me lunch."

"Milord …."

"Julius, it would have been impolite to shoo him away. Besides, I am a bit peckish."

An obnoxious munching noise sounds off and continues for a frustratingly long period of time. During this period our rooftop visitor can do nothing but wordlessly tap the tips of his fingers against the balcony railing. Commenting on the matter would be meaningless.

With a satisfied belch, the conversation begins anew. "Oh, pardon me! Gawain is a marvelous chef as always. In case you were wondering."

'Julius' was wondering nothing of the sort. The only thing he was curious about was how his brother's manners had taken such a steep decline in such a short period of time. The frequent 'tours' he'd gone on throughout the city seemed to have affected him quite negatively. Fraternizing with the common riff-raff had at first seemed like a good idea. It removed the mystique surrounding the Harwey head and made him appear more down-to-earth. Which was a plus when working on publicity. It's rare for a superstar to walk at the level of the 'commoners', and those that do end up easily winning the affection of the public.

At least, that was the initial excuse for why such a thing had been allowed. Julius had been against it for multiple reasons. The first being the damage it did to his younger half brother's civility. The second being the obvious threat of assassination attempts. But Leo had ignored such protests. He wished to be a modern-day Julius Caesar. Just without the whole 'getting stabbed in the back' bit. He also clearly enjoyed being praised constantly by a gaggle of groupies. Groupies that he'd only be able to encounter outside of his massive penthouse. Which was why he'd been adamant such a thing was necessary, using as many justifications as necessary until he got his way. This was the consequence of his actions. A consequence partially exacerbated by the yes-men natures of Gawain and Julius themselves.

But this was a subject for another day. Something that Julius would have to build up the courage to comment on. For now, he would zoom in on yet another bad habit his brother had picked recently. "I hope he at least gave you more than mashed potatoes."

"Tsk. I'll have you know I greatly enjoy the dish. There is a reason the commoners enjoy it."

"The cost to carb ratio might have something to do with it."

"Be that as it may, a proper king should not hold himself above those he rules. He should dine with them as if they were his family." Which was why the individual spouting this line was currently eating on the 182nd floor of a multi-million-dollar skyscraper.

"Of course."

"Anyway …." The voice spoke in a tone that clearly indicated it wished to drop the topic of potatoes. "Let's address the other matter that needs to be dealt with. The so-called "gang violence" that's been rampant throughout Fuyuki."

"Victors just recently reignited the old trade deal he had with the Fujimura clan. But I take it that's not what you're getting at?"

"You're as insightful as always. I'm speaking in reference to the massacres that no one seems to be doing anything about."

Ah. Those. They were a messy business. Something that had started not-so-coincidentally in the weeks leading up to the War and had been continuing on strong even as all but the last Servant was summoned. "It's obviously connected to the Holy Grail."

"Of course. It's likely a Servant at work here. Or maybe a Master with a "hands-on" approach to things? Either way, it's gruesome work and I simply cannot tolerate such savagery."

"I can investigate it too if you wish?"

"Hmm … I believe that would be for the best. Do you think you can find them?"

"They've left a multitude of clues behind in each of their crime scenes. Their tendency to partially cannibalize the victims is particularly insightful."

"I … fail to see anything 'insightful' about that." Nervous laughter resounds over the connection. "But, if you can find them, resolving this sooner rather than later would be for the best. Just be sure to do one thing for me, Julius."

"Anything, Milord."

"That agreeable side of you is going to be your own undoing one of these days." An awkward silence begins, brought about mostly by Julius' own inner demons. His 'agreeable' side had already been his undoing. And it had, at least partially, negatively affected Leo. Had Julius the power to choose his own fate (instead of being forced to conform to the whims and requests of others) Leo's mother would have still been among the living.

"I digress. Forgive me, brother." Leo knew nothing of this but still understood the silence had been his doing and apologized under the assumption that he'd offended Julius in some manner.

"There is no need." It takes everything within him to reply in an even tone. The man whose blood might as well be made of ice water is struggling to keep his cool as the memories of his past sins threaten to overwhelm him.

"No, no. There is. It takes a wise man to admit when he's at fault." He receives no response to this and, expecting this to be the case, continues speaking. "Now, as for that one request, I merely wish for you to return to me in one piece. It would distress me greatly if I had to have you rebuilt twice in one lifetime."

That comment brought with it a flurry of images from the past. Images that Julius pushed from the forefront of his thoughts as he replied. "There is no need to worry. I have Assassin after all."

"That is precisely why I worry. He's no Saber, after all. Just be careful, Julius."

There's no need to respond, and so Julius doesn't. He silences the call without any semblance of a farewell. Such things are a waste to him. A mission had been given, one that had no ambiguity involved (unlike the request for him to keep tabs on certain players in this War). A target was in his sights, and while at the moment he didn't even know it's silhouette in time he would know everything about his prey. For Julius was a hunter and a very skilled one at that. And unlike most, he specialized in tracking man and not beast. The most dangerous of game was his preferred quarry. When the time came he would prevail. Leo had asked this much of him, and Julius did not intend to let his little brother down.

---

AN: Well, there we have it! Hopefully this chapter wasn't too boring. Not much really happened (as far as action goes) and it kind of ended the same way it started. With Dante still being partially deaf. Oh, and Rin's taken a temporary leave of absence. We've also met Sakura, who may or may not be who you think she is! Next chapter will be more slice of life style shenanigans with Dante and Nero going "shopping" (pillaging). Anyway, I should probably give an explanation for why this chapter took so long... well, it's mainly because I rushed Rin's entrance into the plot. Big time. That really messed up my idea of how the rest of the story would go down. I thought bringing her in earlier would add some sense of progression to the story as a whole (because let's be real here, nobody wants to read a dozen chapters of build up) but I can't help but feel rushing it made her arrival somewhat anticlimactic and jarring. So we get an even more jarring Vaudeville hook wrenching her off-screen. She'll come back of course (with a bang), but for this chapter at least it felt better to chuck her aside. Mainly because I tried to roll with her being involved and it was terrible. How terrible? Three rewrites terrible. Yeah, who would have thought writing an entire chapter where Nero does nothing but relay Rin and Sakura's words back to Dante would be awful? I should've. Goes to show you that when writing something you should do two things. First, have a concrete outline of where the plot's going (not just a vague idea of how things'll go). Second, stick to the plan!

Now that my writing tip for the day is done, let's move onto those reviews!

King0fP0wers: Happy New Years to you too, man! And Merry Christmas as well! I am more than a little late though lol.

Diarmuid-Guest: I was under the impression that Strange Fake was not so much a continuation of Stay Night but a spiritual successor of sorts. It references elements of Stay Night but isn't exactly a direct sequel. I might be wrong though considering Waver's in the story and I believe he references Iskander at one point (though apparently he also summoned him in the Apocrypha timeline). Then there's also that weird situation with Maiya's son... Anywho, regardless of all that I wasn't really intending to link Strange Fake and Apocrypha any more than I've linked Stay Night and Extra in Schizoid Man. Mainly because I haven't read all of Strange Fake (if anyone could direct me to an English translation of it I'd be eternally grateful) but also because I just want to use it's setting (America and the American Association) as a background for how Dante would be able of getting involved with the Greater Holy Grail War. The Dante of that story (as well as the Zero one) will not be exactly the same as the Dante you're reading about now. Personality wise he will, but as far as his backstory goes? Yeah, that's going to be changed. More so in the Apocrypha version. And as far as Nero surviving... to be completely honest that depends on whether or not I intend for there to be a direct sequel to Schizoid Man and not just an AU spinoff (let that sink in, an AU of an AU). I'd have to come up with a pretty good explanation for how she'd be capable of existing without the Grail though and so far nothing's come to mind with how I'm thinking the story's going to go.

Guest: Well... him summoning a Caster does sound cool but it'd probably be after Atalanta and Diarmuid. Gilles and Prelati are outright out as candidates. It hasn't been exactly flushed out but one of Dante's few moral rules is "no killing kids". He's also got a totem pole (that's how I'd describe it) of the three types of people he hates the most. In order of least worse to most worse it'd be: slavers/human traffickers, rapists, and child molesters. Yeah, this guy has a bigger bone to pick with Jared Fogle than Osama Bin Laden. Let that sink in. (That's the one thing I saw to link him and Atalanta by the way.) Dumas and Medea would both be boons for him in combat. As would Shakespeare and someone like Hans (now that is a partnership that would be interesting to write). Xuanzang, Nitocris, and Thomas Edison are also a few I'd imagine could be fun. As would Caster Nero. Though... I'd probably lean more towards him summoning Tamamo. Either in some sort of omake/one-shot or else (if I'm really ambitious years down the line) in an actual Fate Extra story set in the Moon Cell Grail War. And as far as Diarmuid goes, well, Dante's going to be a direct contradiction to him. At one point he's going to insult him for being an idiot with "this chivalry shit" and in the next moment he's going to criticize Diarmuid for being so complacent. It's going to give the guy some serious mental whiplash, and unlike Kaynet (who merely insulted Diarmuid) Dante's going to dig into the guy deeper. Going directly for the throat so to speak. Also unlike Kayneth, Dante's got a strict sense of loyalty about him (that'll be shown more in Schizoid Man) so despite criticizing Diarmuid he'll stick with him through the end. I'm actually planning for Diarmuid to go through some major character development as he understands sometimes it's beneficial to his "lord" to call them out on mistakes they've made and that to be truly loyal he must hold his allies feet to the fire to avoid being abused. In a way Dante's going to be the guy that gives him some self-pride and shows him he's not just a tool.

SMV Aria2: And the award for funniest review of all goes to... lol. As seen in this chapter, I'm a spastic when it comes to line breaks XD but I'll be trying something different to hopefully allow for more scene transitions in the future. There was also a short POV shift this chapter that hopefully sated your needs for some time (translation: until I write the next Nero POV in like two chapters). Oh, and Astolfo... I have many things to say about "her" (cue Admiral Ackbar). Are you suggesting Dante summon Astolfo though? Eh. I'm a little iffy on that. I don't actually mind him as a character but I think it'd be a bit much. It'd have to be in an AU type of story because if it were in Apocrypha Dante would end up screwing with the main plot too much (gallivanting with Jeanne and Seig and whatnot). Despite him being the MC in this story I don't actually think he should be more of a side character in any future stories I have set in Apocrypha, Zero, or whatever. He'll still be the MC (as far as POV goes) but things ideally won't revolve around him as much. Otherwise, he's going to take the spotlight from characters like Arturia, Kiritsugu, Jeanne, and Seig which might piss some people off (rightfully so).

liberty86: Appreciate the kind words! I'm always happy to hear that I'm actually not writing Nero and the others OOC. That's my biggest fear in every chapter. Dante's intended to be unhinged but in a good way. The crazy uncle that beats up the Santa imposter at your local shopping mall when you don't get what you asked for during Christmas kind of way XD.

Darebear the bear: You flatter me with your praise lol. That story was amazing! I'm just wondering when the author's going to update it though, it's been over two years D: In regard to your story suggestions well... I'm a bit booked right now with ideas so I'm not sure I could do anything more than a one-shot XD. Sorry about that. But, once I clean my plate (finish this story, my Monster Musume one, and the Zero and Apocrypha ones) I might be able to come up with something. Writing a non-OC story would be really fantastic! Though, from your suggestions it'd still be kind of an OC fic. Just with "real" characters like Pope Joan (interesting you bring her up while I'm playing through Persona 5 lol). The easiest way of doing this would be to use both your ideas in one go, but I'd be more inclined to have them separate stories. One where Kiritsugu summons someone like Napoleon Bonaparte, Edmond Dantes, Charlemagne, or Jeanne Alter just to name a few. And one where he summons (or perhaps where Risei summons Pope Joan). The identity of the kid Nero and Dante "adopt" is actually way more obvious than any of the characters you've guessed. Hakuno is a hilarious suggestion though (especially with there being a spin-off of Extella involving Tamamo, Altera, and Nero caring for baby M and F Hakunos). One last update on that Kiara idea too. The happy ending is still going to be an omake but her involvement in the actual ending so far has been increased extensively. Previously I was banking on Leo and Gawain being the end bosses but now? Now so much.

Anthem of the Night: Nailed the head on the identity of the nurse! Caren is actually one of my favorite characters personality wise so if I could involve her I would. Sakura just fits this role better in my opinion. I'm also glad you brought up how insane "the washboard" is. We've got like five versions of her in Grand Order and all of them have a varying degree of mental instability to them no matter what class they are lol. The only saving grace is that Carmilla wasn't the version summoned.

TheTrueOverlordBear: I'm hoping my elaboration on how exactly Alteration works this chapter made as much sense as the explanations I've given in past chapters. To be completely honest, I think I bit off more than I could chew trying to elaborate on how Dante functions. The Nasuverse, from what I can tell, uses a hard magic system to explain how Magecraft works. Which is great because it's really in depth but terrible because it's, well, really in depth! There's so much I just don't get about how Thaumaturgy works and I'm really concerned that Dante's "powers" don't fit the established system Nasu set up. I don't think he ever directly addressed how something like Transmutation and Alteration work which makes this even more difficult lol. The main thing I hate about Nasu's portrayal of Christianity is the fact that he, frankly, doesn't understand the history behind the religion. From what I can tell Protestantism and the Eastern Orthodox church doesn't exist in the Nasuverse. By doing that he completely shot himself in the foot, intentionally or not. There are so many amazing historical figures that could have been involved in the series that just don't exist or else didn't make the same impact they did in our timeline because Nasu didn't include the various schisms that occurred. I'm not even 100% sure the Thirty Years War occurred in the Nasuverse and that's a major turning point in European history. Not to mention the question as to how America came into existence if the Pilgrims and Puritans hadn't set up colonies in New England. I wish Nasu would have done a bit more research into it all beforehand. Anyway, Liz is a... strange case. She technically had five Masters (not at the same time) in CCC. Rin, Hakuno, Rani, and Shinji. Then Meltlilith (she somehow changed to a Berserker as her Servant).

Gundam-Knight-Christ: I wouldn't exactly call it a cult because I think for it to be a cult you'd need more than one member XD. Just wanted to give you some context on why he randomly shouts out the name of some random actor. And with "her" are you talking about Rin or Liz? I tried to be a little more unique with nicknames for Liz this chapter. Rin will get her own when she returns. Trust me when I say they'll be warranted because you're going to have your question from Chapter 12 answered right then and there.

Anywho, thanks to all of you for sticking with me on this wild ride! I'm flabbergasted by all the favs, follows, and reviews. Seriously, we've almost doubled the numbers of GEGE in all three categories. I could never have hoped for such a thing in my wildest dreams and I'll be forever thankful for all the support you've all shown :D. To think, this goofy OC fic that I still secretly think is kind of ass would actually be enjoyed by others XD. It's humbling to say the least.

I'll leave this off with three questions.

The first being "Do you think I should try to start those Dante spin-offs before Schizoid Man is finished?"

The second being "How would you feel about Dante as a demi-Servant with the Heroic Spirit being Gun God from Notes?" It was suggested by a Guest two chapters ago that Dante fuse with Billy the Kid and at the time I mentioned Doc Holiday as an alternative possibility.

The third being "How are you liking Last Encore so far?" I haven't kept up with at all but I've heard good things at least. Feel free to spoil away lol.

PS: Can't believe I forgot to say this. Big thanks to King Keith and TheTrueOverlordBear for taking the time to look over this chapter before it was uploaded! Be sure to check out their stories too if you have a chance!