My Brother's Best Friend
A story by Government Patsy
Chapter 6
Mulder POV
I hate that I can't say properly goodbye to Dana. We have our last night together almost a week before she leaves and then I don't see her again for months. I fully invest myself in my studies instead of obsessing over Dana. This is my last year of college as well and I have to decide what I want to do afterwards. I'm pretty sure I'll go on to get a master's degree - and I've been thinking about specializing in forensic psychology.
As the end of November rolls up the fog lifts though - Dana will be home for Thanksgiving and I need to see her. I know from Bill that she'll be home late Wednesday evening and that she'll leave again Sunday. The whole Scully family is together for Thanksgiving on Thursday and I'm spending the holiday with my own family. My mother, father, sister and grandparents are all together at my parents' house. I have a really nice day with them but I can't stop thinking about Dana, she's finally home and it finally clocks for me how much I've missed her. I send her a message saying that I need to see her. But when our thanksgiving dinner ends she still hasn't responded. I say goodbye to my family and give my sister an extra big hug before driving home. When I arrive at the apartment, I climb the stairs and walk to the door, digging around for my house key in my pockets. But before I find it, I notice her… standing in front of the door to my apartment. We both break into a big smile as we walk towards each other and I envelop her in a close hug. I can't believe that she's here. I breathe in her scent as I hold her close to me.
I pull back slightly and study her face. Her hair is slightly longer. She seems taller too. But she's even more beautiful than I remember. Her bright blue eyes pierce my soul and her smile makes my heart melt. I have to kiss her and I do just that. We kiss for the longest time, our mouths moving together hungrily. But it's cold and when I feel her shiver in my arms, I reluctantly pull away from her. We move inside and as I hang up my jacket and step out of my shoes she just walks straight for the stairs, heading up to my bedroom. I notice that she's wearing heels, that's why seemed taller.
"You coming?" she asks me with a smile.
"Straight to business, huh?" I tease her and follow her up the stairs. "You didn't wanna hang up your jacket?"
"I might as well just bring it up so you don't have to go get it later - Bill will probably be home at some point," she shrugs as we make it to the bedroom.
"So, you're spending the night?" I ask hopefully, helping her out of her jacket which I put down in the chair in the corner of my room.
"I told my family I was catching up with some high school friends - so I just have to be home before they get up," she says and steps closer towards me, her hand going to my nape pulling me in for another kiss.
We have an amazing night together. I feel complete again. The gaping whole inside of me is full for a little while. As we've satisfied our lust, I finally just hold her in my arms and we talk for hours. She tells me all about college and the people she's met and how much she loves her studies. I tell her about my plans for next year, how I want to go into forensic psychology even though my family would rather have me become a psychologist. But Dana supports me, she backs me up. When we grow tired of talking we have sex again, then we talk some more, before having sex again. We don't get any sleep at all. At 5 AM, Dana leaves again, taking a cab home. I see her again for a few hours Saturday and then she's gone again. But at least Christmas is only a month away.
I see her again over Christmas break, spring break and when she's home for a few weeks over the summer. We see each other as much as we can but it's not nearly enough. I earn my bachelor's degree in psychology and I get into forensic psychology at Berkeley. I completely let myself get absorbed into my studies. I spend most of my time on my work, the studies I do, the courses I have to teach, learning everything that I can about my field of study.
The only time I fully relax is when Dana is home. Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring and summer. That's the four times a year that I get to see her. And I treasure the moments we have together. We never talk about our future - we both know that if we go down that road, neither of us will be able to focus on our studies. If we take that final step, say the words… it would only be so much harder to say goodbye. To not see each other for months at a time.
I finish my master's degree in forensic psychology in 2 years and with all the work I've already done in the field, I get plenty of job offers when I'm done. I end up becoming a consultant for the San Francisco department of the FBI. I'm excited about getting to work and I throw myself into it. I've only been putting together profiles and doing behavioral analysis for a few months when they ask me to take the 20-week training course it takes to become a federal agent. I never thought I'd be going down this route but it seems perfect for me. When Dana is home for Thanksgiving I tell her all about it. I'll begin the training course in January and be an agent sometime in May, if I make it through the course. Dana is in her last year as a pre-med. This summer she'll move back to the San Francisco area as she'll be going to Stanford to study medicine and become a doctor.
"Maybe we can finally address the elephant in the room," I say carefully.
We're cuddled up in bed. It's Saturday and she's leaving tomorrow. My hands are lazily stroking her back as she's resting her head on my chest.
"What do you mean?" she asks me, her left hand drawing circles on my tummy.
"Well, this summer you're moving back. You got into Stanford. I'll have a stable job with the bureau in San Francisco… do you think we can finally talk about… us?" I ask her timidly.
She's quiet for the longest time, I'm holding my breath.
"Maybe it's time," she acknowledges. "It's been a long three and a half years!"
"It has," I sigh. "I never asked you… we were never exclusive, so if you… I mean you've been free to do whatever you want…"
"Mulder," she chuckles, stopping me from ranting on. "There's only ever been you."
"Thank God!" I breathe out making her laugh.
"What if I had been with someone else?" she wonders.
"Well, it wouldn't change anything," I shrug. "I mean, I wouldn't like it… I like being the only one you've ever been with, it feels special. But if you'd been with someone else… it wouldn't change the way I feel about you…"
I don't tell her that I love her. But I do. More than anything. I want to tell her. But for some reason, I don't.
"What about you?" she asks me. "Has no one piqued your interest while I've been away?"
"Honestly, no," I chuckle. "When you're not here I just get lost in work - I stay busy. And when I don't work, I hang out with Bill or work out. I try to distract myself from thinking about you too much."
"I do the same," she admits. "Some nights, I just keep busy instead of going to bed - because I know that as soon as I let myself relax, my mind will always go to you. If I'm not tired, I'll go for a run or stay up and read until I'm so exhausted that I fall right asleep."
"I can't wait for this summer," I sigh. "I can't wait to finally be with you, for real."
"Me neither," she whispers.
Dana leaves again Sunday. We don't fully commit to each other but the talk we had, about our future… it changes everything for me. I think about how I'm gonna introduce her to my parents and sister. I just know they'll love her. But then I start thinking about her family… her father will definitely not be happy… and Bill… I've been lying to him for years. Will he understand? I know I'm his best friend but I also know how much he loves his little sister. It's easier with Melissa since her attention seems to be on other girls. But Dana's whole family view her as very special and even fragile in some ways. She's not as outgoing as her siblings but I'm quite sure she's way stronger than all of them. But they all feel like they have to look out for her in some way. I'm pretty sure they all still think she's a virgin as well - except maybe Melissa, I imagine Dana would have told her somehow.
It's a few days after Christmas when Bill invites Dana over to our apartment. The three of us hardly ever spend any time together anymore and whenever I see Dana, we're normally alone. We end up playing board games around the dining table as we have a few drinks - Dana is 21 now so Bill can't stop her even though it looks like he's struggling with it a little bit. We have a lot of fun and we laugh so much. It feels weird not being able to touch or kiss her - but at the same time it feels nice spending time with her outside the bedroom and with other people as well.
It's late before Dana leaves but Bill and I have a few more beers before finally heading to bed. I keep thinking about how he'll react when we finally tell him but I have no clue. I don't want to lose my best friend… as I come downstairs the next morning Bill has been for a run. He's having some water in the kitchen and I can't hold back any longer. I have to say something.
"Bill, can I talk to you?" I ask him seriously, sitting down by the island.
"Sure, man," Bill nods, putting the water down. "What's up?"
"Well…" I'm not quite sure how to go about this. "Remember last night when Dana was over?"
"Yeah?" he seems confused as to where this is going.
"It just got me thinking… she's changed a lot since we were all in high school, huh?" I look up at him but he still looks confused.
"I guess she has," he shrugs. "She was a kid back then. So were we."
"Yeah, but she's grown a lot… I mean she's pretty cool… she's so smart and… you know, she's beautiful," I shrug.
"What the fuck, Mulder?" Bill's voice seems more serious now but he still seems confused.
"I guess I was just wondering… what would you think if I asked Dana out?" I look up at him again and I've never seen him look like this before - he's downright scary.
"I think: Fuck no! That's what I think," he says angrily. "Mulder, I trusted you! I thought Dana was like a little sister to you!"
"Well, no," I tell him. "She's my friend but I… I just really like her."
"Well, you're not going anywhere near my sister, you got that?" his eyes are glaring at me.
"We're best friends, Bill!" I say upset. "I think I'd be good for Dana - I think we'd be good together!"
"Mulder, I literally heard you bang some chick the other night!" he yells at me. "Do you think I want that to be my sister?"
I can't very well tell him that it was his sister, so I just look down, scratching my neck.
"I'm not a player, Bill," I say shyly. "I would treat your sister with the respect she deserves."
"Mulder, we've lived together for four and half years now and you haven't been on a single date in that time! And I know you don't do it often, but when you do bring a girl home… it's never for more than a night - whenever I ask you, it's always a one-time thing, nothing serious."
Well, he has me there. I do always say that. But in fact, I've only ever brought one woman back to this apartment.
"How do you even know if Dana wants you? She's a very successful young woman, you know! She could have pretty much anyone she wants. Dude, she's saving herself! Why do you even deserve her?"
"Isn't that for her to decide?" I fire back. "And… you really think she's saving herself, Bill? I mean, she's 21!"
"Mulder!" he warns me. "You're overstepping here! Don't talk about my sister like that!"
"Bill, how many people's sisters haven't you slept with?" I ask him. "You've been more around than I have!"
"I know!" he says defensively. "But I'm with Tara now, you know that! But I also know how I use to treat women… and I never want that for Dana!"
"And you seriously think I'd treat her like that?" I plead with him. "Really?"
"Mulder, it's a no! You're my best friend and if you ask my sister out… then it's friendship over!" he gulps more water as my heart breaks.
"You don't trust me…" I say in disbelief.
"Mulder, you might have good intentions, but… this is my sister!" he exclaims. "Would you let me take your sister out?"
"I…" I think about it and honestly the answer is no - I know Bill too well, I know his history with women and there's no way in hell I'd ever let him date my sister. "Well, it's not the same."
"Yeah?" he chuckles. "Well, my answer is still no."
"Alright," I sigh and try not to let my heartbreak show.
"C'mon, man," he smiles at me. "You're going to Quantico soon - I'm sure you'll find yourself a hot babe over there, someone your own age."
"Maybe," I just shrug - but I feel like my world is crumbling.
Bill will never forgive me, I know that now. I'm pretty sure Dana's father won't ever accept us as a couple either. My hope was that Bill could convince him otherwise - I thought Bill would pave the way for us. But there's no chance of that now. If Dana chooses to be with me… she'll cut off her own family. Can I ask her to do that? And what if she chooses me? Would I be able to live with myself?
More than anything I want Dana to be happy. And I'm now realising that she'll never be truly happy with me. She needs someone she can bring home to her family. I know how much Dana values and treasures her family. I could never take her away from them.
I have to end it with her, I realise. I can't tell her why. I can't tell her it's because of Bill… and her father… I can't allow her to fall out with her family over me, not again.
The day after my talk with Bill, Dana comes over. Bill is visiting his girlfriend Tara so it's just the two of us.
"Hey, Mulder," she greets me with a smile as I open up for her.
"Hey," I say and try to sound normal but she immediately picks up on the change in my mood.
"What's up?" she wonders as she hangs up her coat.
"I need to talk to you about something," I say and it hurts deep within my gut to say this.
"Okay," she sighs, looking very confused and slightly scared.
"Let's sit down," I say and take her hand and lead her to the sofa.
I just look at her for a little while, my heart slowly breaking, tears pressing against my eyes. I love this woman, I do. But I have to give her a chance of being truly happy. Bill said it yesterday - she can be with pretty much any guy she wants to and I'm sure she can find someone her family will actually accept. This woman deserves to have the whole package - I can't let her settle with me.
"Mulder, talk to me - you're making me nervous!" she says, giving my hand a squeeze.
"Dana, I can't do this with you," I say and the look on her face alone is enough to make me want to kill myself.
"What do you mean?" her eyes are pleading with me - I don't want to let her down but it's for her own good.
"This summer…" I try to clarify. "When you're done at Harvard and I get home from Quantico… I just can't be a couple!"
"Where is this coming from?" she asks in disbelief. "Mulder, you have pushed for this! For four fucking years you've told me this is what you wanted!"
"I know…" I sigh deeply. "And I thought it was but… I'm not sure now."
"You're not sure?" she raises her voice and stands up from the couch. "I know I'm not good with feelings and I know I'm not as experienced in relationships compared to the other women you've been with…"
"No, Dana," I cut her off and stand up in front of her. "It has nothing to do with you - you're perfect, just the way you are! It's me - I don't know what I want right now. I don't know about my future yet… I'm not ready to settle down."
I'm outright lying to her. I know exactly what I want - I want her. But it has to be like this.
"I trusted you…" she whispers, tears are starting to fall down her cheeks. "How can you just change your mind like this? How can you want something for so long - and then just stop wanting it when you finally get it?"
"I don't know," I sigh, trying to reach out for her but she backs away from me. "Dana, please. I'll always be your friend, you know that!"
"Oh, fuck off!" she says angrily and walks towards the door, tears rolling down her face.
"Dana, don't leave!" I beg her as she puts on her shoes and jacket.
"Why the hell not?" she yells at me. "I'll never forgive you for this!"
"But, Dana…" I try - but she turns her back on me and walks out the door.
It's over. I feel worse than I ever have. I've lost something truly great. And worst of all: I've hurt Dana. She said she'd never forgive me… neither will I.
x
Dana POV
After Mulder ended things with me I was broken. I cry for hours when I get home. I cry myself to sleep for months after. It hurts so much. More than I thought anything could hurt. I manage to stay focused on my studies and I end up being top of my class.
Socially I do better and better as well. I stopped doing anything social after Mulder ended it with me. I didn't have the energy to see other people. But around Easter my roommate convinces me to join her and our other friends again, join society one more. I start having fun again. I'm still sad when I'm alone, but it helps hanging out with my friends - they cheer me up.
"So, what happened to you over Christmas, Dana?" Alissa asks me one day - we're out for brunch at our favorite café.
Alissa is the most upfront out of the four of us, she's also pre-med like me. My roommate Madison and our friend Teresa are pre-law.
"Oh," I'm caught off guard with her question - all three of them look at me with great interest though - I suppose I do owe them an explanation for the way I've been. "I kinda broke up with someone."
"What?" Madison seems in disbelief. "Dana, you never ever even date!"
"I know," I shrug. "I never dated because I… well, I loved someone from back home."
"From San Francisco?" Alissa clarifies. "So what happened?"
"Yeah," I sigh - I've never told anyone about my relationship with Mulder before, this is a bit nerve wracking. "Well, he was my first love, I guess - and I don't know what happened. He just ended it."
"Been there!" Madison pibes in making me chuckle. "How long had you known him?"
"We started seeing each other when I was 18 - but I was moving here and we didn't want to do the long distance thing… so for the last nearly four years we've just been seeing each other when I've been home. We were finally gonna be together when I move back this summer… but out of nowhere he said he didn't want a relationship anyway."
"Damn it, Dana!" Alissa exclaims. "And I always thought you were saving yourself for marriage or something."
"Well, no," I chuckle and blush. "But he's the only one I've ever been with."
"Dana, we're setting you up!" Teresa says decidedly.
"We are so setting you up, Dana!" Madison agrees with a laugh.
"Girls, no!" I object immediately.
"Dana!" Alissa puts her hand on my shoulder. "You need to get over this guy! We're helping you out!"
I object a bit more but in the end they convince me. To be honest, I don't want to go out with anyone. It's been years since I've been on a date! But I want to stop thinking about Mulder. I don't want to think about him anymore - I'm sure he's not still hung up on me. So I end up agreeing with them. I let them set me up.
The first guy they set me up with… he's nice, I guess, but we just don't click at all. We've only been on two dates when he tries to kiss me and I have to tell him I'm not interested.
A few weeks later they set me up with someone new. He's way too smug and arrogant and I don't make it through more than one date with him.
After that I lose hope a little bit - but after a month's time I agree to give it one more chance and I go out with the third guy they've picked out for me. Only this time it goes way better.
I meet up with him at a restaurant for lunch. I've already sat down and I'm just scanning the menu when he walks up to me. I avert my eyes from the menu and look up at him and he seems oddly familiar. He has gentle features and a really nice smile. He's quite slim and well-dressed, his brown hair perfectly side-parted.
"Your friend told me you were named Dana, I had no idea it was you," he chuckles as he sits down. "Dana Scully, nice to see you again!"
"Excuse me," I chuckle as I take the hand he's extended towards me. "Have we met before?"
"High school!" he laughs. "I was in Melissa's year, my name is Ethan McGregor - well, I don't suppose you'd remember me, I was quite anonymous in high school. But your brother was quite popular - I remember you used to have lunch with him and his friends."
"Oh yeah," I nod and try not to think about Mulder. "You did seem familiar!"
"Yeah?" he chuckles. "I had no idea you'd moved here! Do you attend Harvard as well? What do you study?"
"I'm pre-med at Harvard," I nod and he looks impressed. "What about you?"
"I'm almost done with my master's degree in journalism," he beams proudly. "I'll be going back home this summer - I already got a job with the Chronicle back in San Francisco!"
"That's really impressive," I acknowledge. "Your family must be happy you're coming home as well."
"They're thrilled," he chuckles. "And they're quite proud too - I'm the first one from my family to even go to college!"
"That's great," I nod just as a waiter comes over - we both order our food and a slightly awkward silence falls over us as the waiter leaves us.
"So," he breaks the silence. "Are you going to medical school here when you're done with your bachelor?"
"I'm going to Stanford next year actually," I tell him and he breaks into a smile.
"Hey, we're both moving back home then!" he says and I just smile and nod.
Ethan and I continue to date after that day. I like Ethan. He's stable and he's gentle. He doesn't pressure me, we take it slow. We go out on five dates before we even share a kiss. We've been dating for a bit over a month when the school year comes to an end and we both move back to San Francisco.
With my family living in the San Francisco area I have a hard time finding a dorm room at Stanford since the people who come from far away are first in line to the rooms. I hit up Ellen and a few more of the people I use to talk to in high school but no luck. I don't have a place to live when I'm moving back, except my parents' house. I really don't want to move back home. I remember what it was like the last month under my father's roof and we have a much better and much healthier relationship today - I can't go back to the way things were, I just can't!
A few days before I'm leaving Massachusetts, my older brother gives me a call. We catch up and I'm happy to hear that he and Tara are still going strong. I tell him about Ethan as well and Bill remembers him from high school, saying he seemed like a nice guy - it feels great having my brother's approval on the guy I'm seeing. When I tell him that I still have no place to live, he offers me the guest room in his apartment. In Mulder's apartment. At first I tell him that I can't do that. My whole body stiffens at the mention of his name. I couldn't possibly live in his apartment! I don't even think I can look at him without wanting to hit him yet.
"Dana," he tries to reason with me. "It's rent free and it would only be till you found a place of your own. Besides a few people always drop out within the first few weeks of college so if you're waitlisted for a dorm room, it would probably not be very long at all. It beats living with dad, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess," I sigh. "But isn't it technically Mulder's apartment? I doubt he wants your kid sister to move in, Bill!"
"Dana!" Bill chuckles. "You're practically Mulder's little sister too! I'm sure he won't mind helping you out for a few months!"
"Yeah, well," God this is awkward. "You have to ask him Bill… and if he says no, I won't be mad at all, okay? That's totally fine!"
If Bill asks Mulder, I know for a fact that Mulder will say no - I just agree to shut Bill up.
"Of course, Dana," Bill says happily. "I'll ask Mulder when he gets home."
"He's not home?" I ask before I can hold it back - I wish I didn't care but I can't help myself from asking about him.
"He's away on a case right now - that man is always busy with work," Bill chuckles.
Oh, so he's working. As an FBI agent now probably. It feels weird that I have no idea what's going on in Mulder's life. I miss him…
Bill and I talk back and forth for a little while longer before finally hanging up. I pack up the rest of my stuff and right before I'm going out on a date with Ethan, Bill sends me a message. And I can't believe it…
You can move in! Mulder said everything was cool with him! See you soon, roomie!
Why did he say yes to that? I don't want to move in with them! I don't want to see Mulder every single day… but how can I explain that to Bill? How can I explain to him that I can't live with them because I went behind his back and fucked his best friend… for four years!
Ugh, I don't have a choice now. But as Bill said, it's just gonna be for a little while! And if Mulder is really as busy as Bill told me, it'll probably be fairly easy to avoid each other.
x
Mulder POV
I never thought Dana wanted to see me again. I can't believe she asked Bill if she could stay with us. I should have said no. I shouldn't let her back into my life - for her sake but also for my own. I spend the last six months sleeping an average of three hours a night. I work. As much as I can. When I don't work, I read. I go through articles, looking for new cases. I help out different departments. I read local news from all over the country. I look for patterns that someone else might miss. I keep my mind busy. And when I can't stretch my mind any further - when my brain starts shutting down, I use my body instead. I run every morning. I go swimming a few times a week. I even got a set of weights for my room so I can properly work out my muscles. The 20 weeks I spent at the academy got me into working out more. I was far ahead in all of my classes only lacking behind physically - a lot of the cadets came straight from serving in the military. But at the end of the training course I could keep up with all of them physically as well.
They wanted me to work in DC. I wanted to accept. I knew Dana would be coming back and even the slight chance of bumping into her… it scares me. I've been pushing my feelings away for so long now, I have no idea what will happen when I see her. I told myself I said no because of my family… I want to be close to my parents and my sister… but I also think the only thing more unbearable than seeing Dana again would be… never seeing her again.
She'll be there when I get home from work today. Why did I say yes?
I try to get a new case but everything is dead today. It's warm outside, summer is finally here and everyone in the office is desperate to go home. I make it to five o'clock - everyone has left but me and the manager. He pretty much orders me home when he's about to leave himself so I sigh and gather my things.
I stand outside the door for so long before going in. My heart is beating so fast. It's so warm in my suit with the evening sun beating down on me. At last I take a deep breath and go in. It smells amazing as I enter our apartment.
"Mulder!" Bill says excitedly from the kitchen island with a cold beer in his hand. "You're just in time for dinner, man! Tara is making grilled chicken!"
"Nice," I smile at them and Tara gives me a big smile in return from the kitchen.
I look around but there's no sign of Dana. I look up the stairs in the big open spaced room. Her door is slightly open and I can see a few boxes in there. She's here! Oh God, why is my heart beating so fast?
"Don't you wanna change out of your work clothes, man?" Bill chuckles as I'm pretty much frozen by the front door.
"Yeah, right," I nod. "Do I have time for a shower?"
"A quick one," Tara nods at me, still smiling. "Dinner is ready in ten minutes."
"Thanks," I give her a sincere smile back.
I like Tara a lot. And she's good for Bill. He's lucky to have her and I'm lucky to have her in my life as well. She always looks after me in ways that Bill simply can't. When I finally do get some sleep it's because Tara orders me to go to bed. I think she's the only one who really realizes how crappy I feel most of the time. Becoming an agent and working for the bureau… everyone always congratulates me on doing so well. Even Bill. Nobody but Tara seems to see the pain I try so desperately to hide. I don't want people to know… but somehow I don't mind Tara seeing it.
I walk by her door as I go upstairs for my shower. I stop. Should I say hi to her? No, I can't. I look down at Bill and Tara. Bill is talking to her, laughing at something he said himself, but Tara is looking at me. She tilts her head and squints her eyes in wonder. Oh God, Tara, don't see right through me on this one, please! I look down and walk to the bathroom.
I throw my suit on the floor and get in the shower. I wash off the day and try not to think but a thousand thoughts are running through my head. I wrap a towel around my waist and walk to my room after drying off after my shower. I pull on my grey adidas joggers and a black t-shirt before walking back down just in time to see Tara carrying the last of the food to the dinner table and sitting down next to Bill, leaving an open seat for me next to… Dana…
She's so breathtakingly beautiful. She's not looking my way at all, she's quite actively avoiding looking at me. She's wearing a casual, white summer dress. Her gold cross pendant visible on the bare skin on her chest. Her red hair is tied back in a loose ponytail. It seems longer than I remember it. I sit down next to her…
Next chapter will be out on Friday the 12'th of February!