The back garden

With each passing day, Faren's eyes became bluer and bluer.

My maids argued about it from the time he was born, from the beginning we knew his eyes would be light, some thought they would be a light green like Gae's, but soon the blue predominated and became intense. They were the colour of the sky on a midsummer's day according to Lel, but I saw them as more of that blue that glacial ice has, the purest ice that collects on mountain tops.

My baby was beautiful and not because I was his mother and all that, well, maybe a little bit yes, but... what the hell, he was the cutest thing I've ever seen. With each passing day I saw him change and look for me not only to eat. I saw him open his eyes and senses more and more to understand the world around him, it was a miracle. Gae was swearing to annoy me (and make me laugh, in equal parts), he said that from one day to the next horns and lightning would come out of his eyes, so that everyone would see that he was the son of one of the wraiths. My brother mocked it, but even that had been seriously said about us. Father dismissed the cook who spread the rumour that the baby was cursed and the child of the demons of war, but the damage was done. Nor was Father magnanimous to the chamber maid who let every inhabitant of the citadel know of my "dirty and immoral" pregnancy. It'd have been more beneficial for her to "treat the matter with the utmost discretion", as all the castle staff were asked to do.

And regarding Father... I guess this is a wound that will always be open. His face of rejection and horror when I told him about the pregnancy is something very difficult to forget. And the quick solution he found to everything: it has to be stopped, it has to be hidden, it has to be given to someone, I will make sure that no one knows it ever existed. "I will always know that it exists and has existed", I told him then. I only wanted to find comfort in Father, in Father and not in the king of Hyrule, and all he gave me was rejection, as if I was to blame for everything, as if my pregnancy was my sin and I deserved to be locked up in the deepest dungeon of the castle to cleanse my soul. He relented and softened when he saw me ready to flee alone and pregnant (very pregnant) down a path that I didn't know where it might lead me. He softened even more when Faren was born and he understood what a miracle the baby was in our lives. It was then that Father forbade any bad talk about me or my son, forbade the priests of light to mention anything about us, tried to extinguish the rumours and stories that were circulating in the court. By then it was impossible to put a stop to that, it was as useless as trying to catch a handful of air with your hands. I was a whore who would have lain "who knows what filthy soldier in his hour of need", and the baby was "the bastard of Hyrule" and nothing more. And then there were all those who thought Faren was cursed, that he was a ruse of darkness and so, when the reality was that I was sure he was a miracle of light, the opposite of what anyone could think or imply about him.

So, from the day I felt him moving in my belly for the first time, I knew we'd have to leave the castle sooner or later. Our lives could not continue to be tied to court rumours or gossip. I just had to decide when and where, and Faren and I would leave to be happy and live away from the lies and judgments of others.

Father had his own idea of how to protect us. Unable to hide and expel "the mistake" forever, he was now striving to cover it up with a marriage.

"He's going bald," Gae whispered, over my shoulder.

"Shut up! It's normal for his hair to fall out. Besides, he's grown a lot around here, see?" I growled.

Would it be normal for him to fall and grow elsewhere? What if it wasn't normal for that to happen to him? Damn Gae and his stupid things that only served to make me even more paranoid about the baby.

"He looks like some kind of softy, bald, wrinkled old man."

"Don't listen to Uncle Gae, you're the cutest baby, aren't you?"

Faren laughed, waving his little arms and kicking, his eyes wide open. Now he laughed a lot and got excited easily when we talked to him, he wanted us to talk to him. And he talked his way, or he made all those cute noises.

"Here, hold him a little bit," I said, leaving him in Gae's arms. I started cleaning the dirty diapers and folding other clean ones that I would soon need.

"You know you don't have to take care of all that, Mel can do it, or any of the thousands of people who work here."

"It's good for me to know how to do everything. And you know that, with the exception of Amy, her daughters or Impa, no one should approach Faren."

"You're still thinking about getting out of here, aren't you?"

"I don't know, Gae," I said, "but if I'm honest with you, I don't think I can take this much longer."

"You can't go around with a baby just over three months old, you'd be moblin grass in a matter of days."

"I've already left and returned from the rito region, and as you can see we are perfectly fine."

"You were travelling with Mel, with Impa and with her Eyes."

"Gae, I'm not marrying any of those old knights. I'm not going to keep bowing my ears and obeying Father. If Faren can't carry the name Bosphoramus, I don't know what the hell we're doing here. The family is supposed to protect each other, but not only when everything's going well. The moment I am of no use to Father to make political unions or to inherit the crown, I am of no use to him at all, except to bring shame on his house."

"You always paint it in the worst possible light, Zel. You know Father loves you, and he loves Faren. Haven't you realised that yet?"

"Well, if it's true, he'll let me do with the rest of my life as I please. He may begin by assuming that I'm not going to marry an old man, or a widower, or a fat, greasy man with gout in his feet. No. I'm not going to do any of those things and I'm not going to expose the baby to that kind of life."

At that moment there was a knock at the door. It was still early for lunch.

"Your Highness."

"Impa, come in," I opened, letting her in.

"The king asks me to look for you, apparently another suitor has arrived at the castle today."

"Perfect!" I protested, and I looked at Gae to see if he understood my desperation at once.

"He's waiting for you in the back garden, where the previous ones waited for you."

"Excellent. That way he'll be distracted when he realises I don't show up."

"Zel... I don't think that's right," Gae said. I took Faren out of his arms and was pleased to see that everything was done and tidied away. The baby would need changing again in a short while, so it was an ephemeral and deceptive order.

"I'll take Faren with me, maybe I can scare the suitor," I joked, "men get easily scared of women who have babies born from the wraiths."

We all left the room. Gae was stunned when he saw that Impa and I were turning towards the library and not towards the back garden.

"Gae, go and tell Father I'm not marrying any old men, and I'm not going to see anyone else, I'm tired of this," I said.

I didn't like having to talk to him like that, but I also didn't want him to become Father's charming little puppet. I didn't want him to be manipulated, and I didn't want Father to use our good relationship to convince me of anything. As crown prince, I hoped that his judgement would be different from our father's, that he would value my decisions. Maybe then, when he was king, I might feel I could live in the castle without suffocating me.

Impa and I had been trying to find out more about the Dark War and the disappearances on our own for some time. Kahen wasn't the only one to disappear without a trace. The most striking loss was that of Ganondorf, the gerudo prince. It was so strange to me that Impa and I came to the conclusion that the two events must be connected.

We had a good selection of texts that we had split equally to speed up the search for clues in the past, joining them to data she had collected in the field, asking and tracking clues. I couldn't accompany her in that investigation because of my pregnancy, but as soon as Faren was older, I intended to travel with her to keep looking and looking for my brother. I also kept a couple of volumes in my quarters, taking advantage of Faren's late lunch or sleep to look through them, although sometimes I would end up so tired that I would collapse hopelessly over the books.

We spent the whole morning in the library and asked to be served lunch in one of the private rooms. The servants were no longer surprised that we had invaded the library to convert it into a dining room and changing room for the baby. It had become commonplace for the two of us to spend time there, and Impa had been kind enough to make a cradle for Faren so we could take it wherever we needed it. It was sheikah craftsmanship, "a gift from the shadow people to the little prince".

The sheikah were my allies. Impa had been my first ally, comforting me when even my brother felt the shadow of doubt in his heart, at the beginning of receiving the news. I went to her when I suspected what was wrong with me and she didn't ask me a single question. Not a single one. I also knew that the doors of Kakariko were open to me if I wanted to go there. They were opened to me the day they heard from Impa about my escape attempt, when I still had the child inside. "No one will judge you, princess. No one will ask questions and there will be no stupid rumours. The matriarch has already let me know that she is proud that you moved there, there is a home ready for both of you as soon as you wish." Every day I was more and more tempted to accept the offer. If I didn't know where to start a new life, why not there?

"Impa, I'm tired of reading. We could go for a walk."

"It looks like it's going to rain."

"Damn, don't ruin the plan with your positivism. I just want to go up the hill and return. The child hasn't breathed clean outdoor air for two days. We're going to get sick of staying in this castle."

Although I almost had to drag her, we managed to saddle the horses and get out. Just to the outskirts, that was enough for me. It wasn't as if we were going to ride all the way to Tanagar Canyon, let alone with the baby. But in the end she had to admit that the ride was good for both of us, even the fine raindrops that fell at the end of the afternoon cleared our heads. At least it cleared my head. I knew it was time. I was tired of waiting for something that never came: acceptance from Father, the rumours to stop... that… that void inside me. Besides, they wanted to marry me off and I was against it. I was going to start preparations to go to Kakariko and then we would see. All I needed was a starting point and it was time to hold on to that.

When I arrived at the castle I went straight to my quarters to breastfeed Faren, who had started to whimper at the last moment. He ate and fell asleep very quickly, before it was fully dark.

"Princess!" Mel entered into the room. She was sweating and her cheeks were red from running.

"Shut up! He's fallen asleep, I'm going to grab something to eat before the glutton wakes up for the second dinner."

"Princess, it's important, I've been looking for you everywhere," Mel said, still nervous but lowering the tone.

"I was in the library with Impa, as usual."

"I haven't found you there."

"Well, what's the matter? You're making me nervous, damn it."

"It's the handsome boy from the rito village."

"What?" Now I really started to get nervous.

"The handsome boy, Captain Link. He's in the castle!"

"You lie, you're kidding me. I can't stand more mocks or rumours, Mel."

"I swear on my life I saw him. I heard from Alice the laundress, who said she saw a young boy waiting in the back gardens. The maids who serve the king told Alice that they had brought food to a very handsome man who was waiting in the gardens and had refused to move from there. Then I thought that I should go there and take a look."

"Goddesses...," I sat down, trying to assimilate that information, because it was impossible. Him in the castle?

"I pretended I needed to take a basket of apples to my mother, you have to go through the back garden to get to the apple pantry."

"And..."

"And when he saw me, Captain Link recognised me. He's so nice! He told me that he had come to visit his friend, the princess of Hyrule, and that he was waiting for her in the garden, but that hours had passed and she still hadn't turned up."

"What did you tell him?"

"That maybe they hadn't warned you or you'd be busy, but I could come looking for you."

I jumped to my feet and started looking for a thin cape that wasn't wet. Gods, I must have looked awful, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.

"When was that? When did you tell him you were going to come looking for me?"

"Hours ago, Your Highness, I've been looking for you everywhere but I couldn't find you."

I slumped back in my chair. The sun had been down for over an hour. I felt like hitting something, myself, for example. Me and my stupid desire not to do the right thing, even if it was out of politeness. He must have thought I had disowned him. No, I was sure he thought I had disowned him, and in a bad way. He'd come from far away and I hadn't wanted to meet him, not even to say hello, he must have gone away thinking I didn't... It was so unreal that he'd been here all day, so close, precisely him, and just when I was managing to get him out of my head.

"Thank you, Mel. You can go now."

"But aren't you going to meet him?"

"He must have left. He's probably on his way to his country. I asked Gae to tell Father that I'm not going to receive any more visitors."

"He's still there, I'm sure he is."

"Mel... " I smiled, waving my head.

"He seemed very confident, your highness, he said: I'll wait here and I won't leave until I have spoken to the princess of Hyrule."

I sighed and looked out of the window. It was absurd, it was night. I didn't know if I could bear the thought of him being gone again. I didn't even know if I could bear to see him without my whole being shaking inside, like a storm.

"I know how you feel," Mel said, "I saw you that day. You radiated happiness. I was glad for you, to see you happy like that. I was very sorry that the barbarian captain just had to leave to his country."

"I don't even know how I feel," I laughed wryly.

"Then go and find out."

The damned hope Mel had instilled in me made me feel very nervous as I walked through the wings and up the stairs to the back garden. I crossed to the place where I had met the gentlemen who had come to see me before, but found only silence, only the chirping of crickets.

Just in case I wandered around a few times, the garden was big, maybe... The only thing I found were the fireflies fluttering around the fountains and water channels. There was no one there, I was deluded to believe that he would wait for me despite the obvious rejection on my part.

"Here."

With my heart beating like a drum, I turned around and saw him, I had walked by his side and hadn't even noticed. He was sitting against the trunk of a cherry tree. He stood up and came over to bow awkwardly.

"You…"

"I'm-

"You're not gone."

"No, I'm still here. I'd fallen asleep, sorry."

"No, for Gods' sake, forgive me. I didn't know... I was... damn it," I took a breath, because I was drowning in my own stupidity, "I've just been out of the castle, almost the whole day, and..."

"You remember me, right?" He hesitated.

"Of course!"

He was so handsome, even after a whole day waiting, of the tiredness of the long journey and waiting, I found him more perfect than the most perfect of men. I must have been dishevelled, my hair frizzy from the afternoon rain, my vest still stained and a little damp from having been feeding Faren... I would have put all my energy into looking good if I'd known it was him from the start, that's for sure.

"I knew Mel would make you to come to see me," he smiled, and his smile made me shudder.

"I didn't know it was you the one waiting here, I swear to the goddesses."

"Never mind, in the end you're here, that's all that matters."

"Thank you for waiting so long. It's an indecent amount of time."

"It's okay, really. I'm okay."

"No, it's not okay…" I felt so angry with myself.

"Waiting here is not horrible. The place is nice. Your country is nice. I… I was just afraid I was… I've been arrogant." He admitted, shyly.

"Who, you?"

He was the least arrogant man I've ever met.

"I was sure you couldn't forget about me. How could the princess forget about a barbarian she saved from drowning? So… I'm a moron, princess."

"You're not." I laughed. I couldn't stand in front of him with the tremors the butterflies made in my stomach.

"I've came a long way and I was convinced you'd agree to meet me, so I didn't look for an inn for the night. I thought I'd stay here in the garden and leave in the morning."

"It was my fault, I'm the only one arrogant here." I sighed "I'm so sorry. I… I wanted to receive you."

"Don't worry, it's fine, really." He saw my nervousness and came a little closer to grab my hand. "Are you okay?"

"And you?"

"Now I'm fine." He smiled halfway and let go of my hand.

"I don't deserve explanations of why you're still here."

"So, you're curious and you don't even know how to ask me." He teased.

"Perhaps." I admitted, smiling like an idiot. Gods, he had completely disarmed me.

"I came here pretty hopeful, I'd lie if I said otherwise. I thought I saw something that day on the lake..."

"Something…"

"That something."

"H-have you come alone from the West?" I deflected the conversation to try to process his words, it was too overwhelming and having expectations was dangerous. The hope was a painful thing sometimes.

"Yes. I came alone and almost secretly. Only Frea, a trusted friend who lives in the Nest, knows I'm here. It's just, I felt like an impulse and I left, leaving everything I was doing at the time."

I took a breath not knowing what to say to him, I still couldn't believe he was in front of me, I was sure I would never see him again. I'd buried the expectations. The feelings. And now everything emerged again out of my control.

"I felt confident until I saw the size of this castle, the city... all. Wow, everything is too big here," he continued, "Then I started to get nervous, especially when I saw that you weren't coming. I cursed Hyrule's bad manners, got very angry until some nice women brought me food and that greatly improved my mood... But you still didn't come. Then I was excited to see Mel again, and then... Well. I guess that's when I started completely losing hope and believing I might be wrong."

"A long day."

"Yes, it was," he admitted.

"So…"

"You're still curious, of course." He rubbed the back of his head, nervously.

"I'm usually informed of the reason for the visits. It's protocolary. Even if the visitors are friends." I dared to smile at him.

"Okay…" he snorted and avoided my eyes, arms akimbo, "I guess… the main reason is that I haven't been able to sleep since the day we met. And I guess that you're in all my thoughts. I thought it would pass, that it was passing. We only saw each other one day, just one, it's crazy. But I can't stop thinking about you. It has to mean something, that's the reason for the visit."

I just opened my mouth and tried that the air filled my lungs.

"I'm sorry to be so straight, though I'm sure the... other suitors often tell you things like that," he said, shyly.

"Not at all."

It was important that he knew he was very special to me, he wasn't like the others, so I sighed and dared to be the one to reach for his hand this time.

"I couldn't forget you either, Link. And I've thought of you, so much, much more than I dare admit. But thinking about you has hurt me, and that's why I've tried so hard to forget what happened that day at the lake. Every time you came to my mind, I tried to push you away. You were like a wonderful mirage to me, all that day, the way you treated me. You made me feel normal and... like I could be someone desirable."

"You don't know what you're saying...," he smiled, waving his head.

"That day I told you who I was by the lake. I told you, and we made jokes about it, but you knew that I was the princess of Hyrule. I assumed you knew everything about me, all the rumours," I said, releasing his hand. It had to be clear this time.

"I knew you were the princess by name, the rest I had no idea, Zelda, I swear. When I saw you with the baby I thought I'd been… getting too close to a married woman."

"No, by the gods!"

"That's why I didn't know how to behave, I beg your pardon."

"There's nothing to forgive, it was all my fault. Wherever I go, my story haunts me and I thought it wouldn't be any different with you." I took a breath, "so I guess that now you know."

"I've heard a few things," he admitted.

"My father is looking for a husband to marry me. And, of course, I'm not the heiress anymore. Still, he offers a generous reward for such a sacrifice." I said, bitterly.

"What I've heard doesn't correspond to what I've seen or felt. I can't believe all that crap."

"The only truth here is simple. I don't know who the child's father is, Link. I don't know what happened, all I know is that the baby was growing inside me and that's all I can tell you about it."

"As far as I'm concerned, that child is yours and nothing else."

My lip trembled and tears escaped unintentionally, but I took a breath and pulled myself together quickly.

"I know there's no way to prove it, but I'm sure he's not the son of darkness, nor of a bloodthirsty bandit seeking to blackmail the crown of Hyrule. Faren is just a rare miracle, like the miracle of the end of the Dark War, nothing more. And I love him above everything else, he's the most important thing in my life, you can't imagine how important."

"I'm clear about that and that's why I'm here, I don't trust the rumours I've heard. I know there are people who might want to take advantage of these rumours. And if a dirty impostor tried to demand something from you or get close to the child... Believe me, in the West we are not as careless as you are in your country when it comes to protecting the family..."

"Faren and I don't need anyone to save us. He was born into a world at peace, free from darkness. Nothing can harm him as long as he's with me."

"Saving you is not my intention or... dammit," he clenched his fists, "I can't deny that you awaken in me a kind of protective instinct. Both of you. My intention is, if you want, it is..."

He began to get even more nervous and froze for a moment as he ruffled his hair.

"You said before that you were afraid to be wrong to come here," I intervened, trying to help him, "you were not wrong. You were right to think I have feelings for you. Probably the same thing you felt when you left everything behind without thinking to travel here. Or when you can't sleep. I've been sleepless too, for days. If I could make a wish, I'd have thought of Faren... and of you."

"Gods...," he sighed.

I went up to him and hugged him. The first thing I felt was his heart, which was beating almost as hard as mine. And his warmth and everything about him was... I don't know, familiar, like it was natural, like being like this was the right thing to do. It took him a while to react, maybe afraid of doing something wrong again, but he finally responded to my embrace by pulling me closer, burying his nose in my hair. How could such strong feelings be aroused by someone who was practically a stranger?

We separated a little to look into each other's eyes and I saw the same hope shining in his eyes that was growing in mine. Like the day at the lake, I felt wanted again, reciprocated. His hand cupped my face, it felt rough and warm and I loved his touch on me.

"What do you think the King of Hyrule would say if I asked him for his daughter's hand?"