Secretly and quietly, part I

Luckily, she got me to sleep in the barracks of the royal guard soldiers, because I didn't lie to her when I told her I showed up at Hyrule with little more than faith in my pockets and no alternative plan if something went wrong.

So, I slept in a cot next other young soldier. Before dawn broke, Impa, the sheikah woman, came to fetch me. She said we had to go for breakfast and that there were a few things she needed to ask me.

"You can trust me," I said, before she opened her mouth.

"The princess has told me that your memory gaps are big. Possibly as big as hers or mine," she replied, leaving me out of place.

"Does that matter in all this?"

"No, but I wonder if there's a connection," she served me a plate with sausages, eggs, and some roasted vegetables. We were both at a secluded table, there were other sheikah and soldiers filling their plates in a long queue where there were three cooks serving.

"At first I was obsessed with it. I wanted to remember everything, but I was unable," I admitted, "now I may say I hardly care anymore."

"I want to ask you something, but I don't want you to misunderstand me."

"I know what you want to talk about. I understand your duties as personal escort to the princess and her son, you have to make sure of everything, it's logical. But I know that other suitors have come here out of pure interest, they came to trade with her and then corner her, I feel sick just thinking about it. I'm not like any of those guys. If you're worried about that, you can sleep easy. Of course, she and the baby are guaranteed a safe home by my side, they'll be safe in my house and part of my family as soon as we're married, they're nothing I intend or can trade, especially since Zelda seems to me quite determined to choose what she wants and what she doesn't want. My interest is... anyway... I'm in love with her, that's all, I don't care if this seems ridiculous to you. You may be wary of barbarians, but we're people of our word, at least I am."

"Alright, I'm glad to see that your intentions towards our princess are honourable, but that's not what I wanted to talk about."

I arched an eyebrow and started having breakfast. I filled my mouth and let her speak, once my position became clear. I had to make it clear and I'd already done it.

"I wish I could move with you to the West."

"What? Do you pretend to watch over me?"

"No. That's exactly what I didn't want you to misunderstand. For a strange reason that I can't explain, I trust you. And the princess has chosen you and I have no reason to distrust you. My reasons are different. It's just that the princess and I have been working together for a year now, we have an ongoing investigation into the wraiths and the Dark War. We don't know if it will come to fruition, but everything we've uncovered so far is quite interesting."

"Okay, that's fine with me. Zelda will want to investigate further, I'm sure. It makes sense for you to do it together."

"I've been working alongside her for a long time and... the awakening has been difficult for me too."

I smiled, rather surprised by her words. The sheikah were known to be discreet, especially when talking to people outside their trusted circle, hiding their intentions as well as they hid themselves in the middle of the night.

"It'll be a pleasure to have you in the Eagle's Nest. Although you should know that everyone works there, we are not many and there's always something to do."

"I'll work as any other there. And I can help with security like I've done all my life."

"That's great. We'll work together then."

"Sure."

I narrowed my eyes and she seemed unmoved, but anxious underneath. She seemed sincere, though I also knew she cared enough about Zelda to "test" me if she saw fit. I didn't mind. It was good for Zelda, I was sure she would receive the news well.

"Well," I wiped my mouth and stood up, "I haven't asked the king for her hand yet."

"You seem very relaxed... the king is pretty tough when it comes to the princess."

"I will ask him for her hand out of mere courtesy, so that the rumour of barbarians and their bad manners won't be further spread," I smiled, "but Zelda told me last night that her hand was mine and I didn't have to ask anyone but her."

"Oh, so I guess it's done."

I winked and headed to the meeting with the king. Zelda told me it would be in his personal chambers, not in the audience chambers, and that no one from the court would be there. She would put him on notice, and then I would go to formalise everything.

It took me a long time to find the place, hell, that castle was a labyrinth and I was impulsive to leave without asking the sheikah woman. Luckily I'd been up early enough that, after a lot of wandering around, I found the place around the agreed time. When I arrived I was kept waiting. When the door to the room opened, Zelda came out first, and exchanged her sullen expression for a smile as we met again.

"I'm glad to see you didn't think better of it during the night and run out of here," she teased.

"The only thing I did during the night was to think of the shortest route home for when we left."

I saw her blush a little, but we were not alone, there were two soldiers guarding the king's chambers.

"Link…" she hesitated, I saw the worry in her green eyes.

"It'll be just fine. I'll see you later, I hope."

She nodded and left. The guards made way for me and I went in, I wasn't sure if I had to follow some strange protocol and again, I forgot to ask so I wouldn't look like an idiot.

"Link, captain of the Eagle's Nest," announced a soldier, and closed the door, leaving me inside with the king.

"Come in."

I took a couple of steps and stood in front of his desk. I made a bow which he didn't see, his eyes fixed on papers piling up on his desk. I thought he would offer me a seat, but he didn't. The king seemed much older than what I thought.

"You got to see my daughter."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"She says you're claiming her hand."

"That's right, Your Majesty. I-

"She's in favour of that," he lifted his eyes from the paper for a moment to look at me sideways, "and she's asked me to formalise the engagement, as she's clear about what she wants."

"That's right. What I wanted to say-

"Well," he interrupted, and looked for a piece of paper at his table, "I suppose you heard about the goods I've offered for this union. Messages were sent to different regions."

"No, I'm sorry I didn't hear anything, Your Majesty."

"In that case I will read them to you so that there are no misunderstandings," he cleared his throat and picked out a piece of paper from the many before him, "you will own land in a region of Hyrule of her choosing, possibly an uninhabited fortress or we could build one as she sees fit. Two chests of gold, two chests of rupees plus her own family dowry, which is still intact and which I will detail later. In addition, you will be entitled to..."

My brain disconnected while he was reading properties and titles that meant nothing to me. Was he really doing that to his daughter? Was it so threatening to try to marry her?

"I don't want any of that, Your Majesty," I said, once he finished reading.

"I don't think you understand what I'm saying, boy..."

"We'll only keep what corresponds to her by inheritance or dowry, as you said. I don't want anything else from Hyrule. That's not why I came here."

"I suppose you'll know what happened to my daughter, won't you? You should be naive if you don't know."

"If you mean that she's the mother of your grandson, then yes, I'm aware."

The king looked me puzzled, and for the first time into my eyes.

"I'm in love with your daughter, and I want her to be my wife. She feels the same way and has accepted my proposal, that's what I meant to say from the beginning," I clarified, "I have no ill intentions, nor have I come here for gold or deals, as other barbarians would have done. If you are concerned that our union will reflect badly on your family's name, it's fine. We can marry secretly and quietly, as you have suggested she live for the past year."

"You're being impertinent, you should take better care of your words."

"Maybe," I admitted, "but this is how we speak in the West, with the truth."

"You have no idea what I've been through, losing a son, and having a pregnant daughter for the work of..."

"I just want Zelda, I want her" I interrupted, "I don't want anything else. I will sign whatever you want, I'll make an oath to protect her and the child, whatever it takes. We don't have great abundance in our country, as you know, but they will lack nothing. I only wish for their happiness. That's the only thing that is non-negotiable here."

The King of Hyrule didn't say much more. If he had any impressions about me or what was going on, he kept them to himself. I didn't really care, I didn't feel comfortable in his presence, let alone the way it had been to protect his family - or not protect them, depending on how you look at it. He told me I could stay in the castle as long as I wanted and didn't specify how long the courtship should last or what it would be like. He only asked me to be discreet and to contact a royal guard named Gerry if I needed anything. He gave me quarters all to myself. It was a small room, near the guard's quarters. Impa helped me find the place, it was the place where the highest ranking officers used to stay. I asked for Zelda, and Impa told me that I wouldn't be able to see her until the evening, and that I should be patient with the turmoil my presence had caused both the princess and the whole castle.

There was no patience for me. I was consumed with anxiety and fear that it wouldn't go well. She might regret it, after all... dammit, we had only known each other for a day, and I knew how deceptive infatuation could be if it came on strong. But for me it was so much more, I couldn't explain it, there was no peace inside me if I didn't try to do what I was doing. Only Frea knew that I had gone to Hyrule Castle to try to offer myself to the princess, as others had done. My friends didn't know, nor my father. No one. I'd travelled alone, nonstop, and I hadn't been able to rest since the day I'd first seen her anyway. And the idea that someone would extinguish her light by condemning her to a horrible marriage in exchange for gold, rupees and titles... not that I was any better than the others, but at least I loved her, that was my only interest, and I believed that she could feel something similar, it wasn't just my imagination.

To hell with it, the doubts always came back, they came back on the way to Hyrule, they became gigantic while I waited for her in the garden. I almost gave up hope as night fell, but... I don't know, it's like there was something inside me screaming "wait just a little longer". If Impa wanted me to be quiet in my quarters, she was wrong, because as soon as I was alone, my doubts tortured me again. Luckily, as night fell, a soldier came to warn me that the princess was waiting for me again in the back garden. And again, all of me trembled at the prospect of seeing her, of being before her even for a moment. I wasn't going to stop worrying until everything cleared up.

"Impa told me you've been given some quarters," she approached smiling. She was wearing a dark dress and a hooded cloak.

"Near the barracks of the guard."

"I'm so sorry, I couldn't leave Faren with Mel."

Only then did I realise that in the folds of the cloak was the child, half asleep.

"It's okay."

"I don't know what's wrong with him, he always falls asleep after eating, but today he kept complaining and I felt bad leaving him with the maids."

"I understand very well that he feels more like being with you, it would be the same for me," I dared to say. I managed to make her blush and that made me feel good and confident, just like the other times it had happened.

"Let's take a walk around here, it's better than talking in a room or some area of the castle. If there's one thing you need to know about this castle it's that almost every wall has ears."

As we walked along, she explained that her father had hardly objected to the idea of us getting married. Well, he only put one objection, and that was because of Zelda's own sudden change of heart, because apparently the whole plan to marry her off to someone as soon as possible had come from him and she'd been opposed to it all along. He was the one who had set it all in motion, the one who had talked to some renowned nobles who would try to marry her off as soon as possible so that the child would no longer be just a bastard, and all the rumours about the princess would be forgotten.

"Father made a funny face when I told him I'd chosen a western barbarian from among the options, but... well... In the end he said something like it's not like a barbarian is going to ask for more gold than the others".

"Yes, I'm here for the gold. Everybody knows it's the only thing that barbarians want," I joked. She gave a half-smile but regained her worried face.

"Link, just before you showed up in Hyrule, I was planning to leave the castle with Faren. We'd have gone to Kakariko village, with the sheikah. I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I had it decided."

We stopped to sit on a stone border around one of the many fountains that watered the garden.

"I had a feeling you'd say something like that," I said, feeling my stomach shrink, "I know I came out of nowhere, a clumsy barbarian who can't swim. It was all too fast. But… yesterday seemed like a kind of dream, you showing up when I thought you wouldn't and agreeing to my proposal like that. If you've come to your senses, I understand. It's rash and you don't know me at all. But I'm willing to wait and give you all the time you need, if you want to give it to me."

"You're not a stranger, nor a clumsy barbarian. I feel like I know you," she grabbed my hand, "and about the wedding. I'd be lying if I tell you it doesn't scare me a little bit. Moving to another country, and all that... But I'd lie to you too, and I'd lie to myself if I didn't say that it's what I want. I want it badly. It's contradictory, isn't it? It scares me and at the same time I want it to happen. I still want to marry you, I haven't changed my mind. And I'm doing it because I want to, because not to do so would be to go against myself. You're not a desperate option for me, Link. I told you I don't need anyone to save me."

I took her hand to my mouth and kissed it, enjoying the feel of it. I imagined that it was her lips and not her hand that I kissed, because, although I could have done it, I had not yet dared.

"Good," I breathed, smiling at her.

"Good," she smiled back to me.

"There's something else." I said, meeting her eyes, "you may be offended."

"I doubt it."

"Okay," I took another deep breath, "there's something about this, about all this that surrounds us that makes me very uncomfortable. Your father, this castle... everything. It's like something isn't quite right, like something doesn't quite fit. I know you have your brother and Mel and Impa, but I'm sure you and Faren would be better off with me in the West, as soon as possible."

"You want us to get married right away..." she concluded.

"It's probably as crazy as me proposing to you," I smiled, feeling nervous and unsure, "but when I came here, it was with the idea of not going back alone."

She smiled and squeezed my hand. She was so beautiful... I wish I wasn't scaring her by being so honest with her.

"What do you think, Faren?" she asked him, unfolding a bit her cloak.

The baby seemed more awake and reacted by opening his eyes wide and moving his hands and feet.

"He seems to understand you."

"He loves being talked to, you're here to spy on Mom's conversation, right?"

"He's a smart little man."

"Do you want to hold him?"

"Who? Me? "I said, feeling a sudden panic. He was very small, he had to weigh I don't know, less than a feather. What if he fell on the floor or I accidentally hurt him? I had taken care of the twins a thousand times when they were babies, but... Well, it's been a while.

"Don't worry, don't feel obligated, it's okay."

"It's not that. I haven't held a baby in my arms in a long time."

I held out my hands and Zelda handed him to me, carefully. He was tiny and true, he weighed much less than a feather. The hair on the head was soft, like the down feathers on the cuccoo chicks Frea raised. He stared at me with those two huge, wide-open eyes, I remembered Jannie, who always looked as if in surprise. I'd forgotten what a nice feeling babies gave, how incredibly vulnerable they were.

"I think he'll soon need an axe," I joked, letting him grab my finger with his hand. With the other he tried to catch and mouth one of my braids, a thin, long one that I had let grow since I came of age.

"He likes you," Zelda smiled.

"Do you think so?"

"Just look at the way he looks at you and he didn't even protest. You should see how he bawled when I tried to leave him with Mel."

"So, about the wedding..."

"The wedding," she sighed, freeing my braid from Faren's little hand, "we should marry as soon as possible."

"Really?"

"But I don't want it to be anything noisy." I could see her blush even with the poor light there was, "I don't want pompous banquets or public ceremonies. Just us, the baby and a few witnesses. And we'll travel to the West after the wedding, if you want, we can celebrate as much as you want once we settle there. Because… you're right, I don't know how you could have realised it, but I'm very tired of so much noise around us. I feel that with each passing day I'm suffocating more and more in this castle."

"Tomorrow then? Tonight is a bit late." I teased.

"Link…" she laughed. I smiled like an idiot.

"Tomorrow I could send a hawk to warn my father."

"Do it."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure as long as you're sure."

"It's the only thing I'm sure of lately."

"Link, there's one last thing I'd like to lighten first of all...," she bit her lip, restlessly, "I know there's... a thing between us, but..."

"Otherwise, I wouldn't be here," I interrupted, in the shadow of any doubt, "I told you last night, I can't stop thinking about you, it's never happened to me before."

"Well, I'm glad you said that. You know you're not wrong in thinking that I feel the same way you do."

"You may fear many things about this uncertain future, but not how I feel about you."

"What I wanted to tell you is that I don't want you to feel obligated to the child. I know you're pure and kind, my heart tells me so, and I know you'll welcome him into your home, and you see, he likes you. But I don't want you to feel obligated to anything towards him, is that clear? Your commitment is only to me."

I felt a bitter jolt, how could I feel obligated to something so small and helpless? My only desire was to protect him and her, even more so when I held him in my arms and felt his pulse and heart beating fast, like a bird's.

"Pretending may be typical of Hyrule, but not of the West," I said, swallowing to undo the lump in my throat, "and certainly not of me. No one is forcing me to do this. I'll never feel obligated to do anything but take care of you two, and... and you can't say that horrible thing to me while I'm holding him, it's unfair."

"I didn't mean to hurt you, but I wouldn't have been happy without saying it. It's important to make everything clear, before we can regret anything or it becomes a problem."

"Alright," I sighed, "even if we engage, I will never, ever feel obligated to anything, to you or to Faren. I promise. Does it work for you?"

"I'm so sorry to be like this, but we've suffered a lot," she lamented.

"I know what you really mean, about feeling obligated. I'd never try to be his father if you don't want. After all, I'm still a stranger and I understand you want to protect him."

"What if I wanted you to be? What if - what if I told you that I had thought of it from the first?" she said, and two round, pearl-like tears rolled down her face.

"Then we would think the same way," I felt like squeezing them both against me, the baby and her, "I would be honoured and would accept without thinking about it. It wouldn't be an obligation, or the result of a deal. But really, you don't have to decide that now, trust me."

Zelda sighed heavily and more tears came, many more. I held Faren tightly and put my other arm around her, so that she would cry on my shoulder, I hoped she would cry out all her fears and all her doubts, and release some of the weight from her heart. How could she not be scared? All those who had approached the child had been out of interest or morbid curiosity, in case he really was some kind of a freak. She had stood up to many of them to care for the baby, even her father. Zelda had been strong, a rock for a long time, and she had to mourn all that. I let her do it on me.

For my part... I wish I really was the child's father, I wished I was, so there would be no room for doubt in her heart.

After a while she retreated back to her chambers with wet eyes and a nose red from sniffling tears, there were no words in our parting, only a kind of silent understanding. Faren had fallen asleep and I laid him gently in her arms. She cradled him and looked at me with eyes like glass, full of things the war had taken from her, torn from her and she knew as well as I did that there was no way back. I wished I could kill her ghosts, I wished it even more than I wished I could kill my own, we had to get out of the intoxicated atmosphere of the castle as soon as possible. Patience, again. It was all I had to do in my life at that moment, to be patient, to let everything happen as I had thought it would: a quick and discreet wedding, a departure for home and once there everything would be fine. No matter the lost memories, no matter the wraiths, no matter anything else.

Note: One chapter to go...