Mine
Chapter 18 "Getting Through"
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my made up characters!
Molly POV Monday, May 21st
Get up. Do something with yourself.
But I didn't. I stared blankly at the wall. I couldn't make myself stop. Why couldn't I stop?
I told myself, again, that I needed to get up, get dressed, go outside, but I sat there on the couch, unmoving, instead. My limbs felt heavy and unmovable.
What was wrong with me?
Get up! I mentally shouted at myself but my body didn't make any moves.
Even with the curtains closed, everything seemed too bright. I didn't want the sun, I wanted the darkness.
I knew before long Katie or Nate or Tia would show up at my door. Ever since he and I had ended things, they hadn't left me alone longer than a few hours.
Not that I minded exactly. It was nice to have someone there. It was nice not being alone.
But when I was alone? My thoughts took over and all my feelings spilled over.
I went from having everything to having nothing in the matter of hours. The future we had planned, the life I had imagined, just gone. Since the day of the break-up, I hadn't heard from Kit. I winced, as I thought his name. I wasn't sure whether not hearing from him bothered me or relieved me.
I imagined that Nate—or Katie—had something to do with that. Katie had been fierce in protecting me ever since I found out. Nate had been my rock, helping me keep it together.
Though at times I felt wrong for having Nate here—he was Kit's brother after all—I didn't see how I'd get through it without him. While Katie was more about moving on and helping me process, Nate let me talk. He let me talk about Kit, about my feelings, and held me while I cried.
Tia had been by daily to visit. She helped around the apartment, straightening up, encouraging me to take a hot shower or bringing food by.
I remembered her telling me "I know everyone will tell you that you won't feel this way forever and you'll feel better, but I won't tell you that. I hated hearing that when I was going through my personal hell. I couldn't see the future or how I'd ever be happy again. They were just empty words to me. I just wanted someone to listen. To let me grieve in my own way. I want you to grieve in whatever way you need to."
Jason and Lynn had left a few days after, staying as long as they could. Jason was angry, Lynn was more sad for me. They had both been keeping in touch since they had left.
Sam and Jen had visited me a day or two after. They had brought ice cream and we had sat there, eating straight from the carton. Sam and Jen had shared a look at one point, leading me to ask what was going on.
Sam had sighed and told me "Jake says that Kit hasn't left yet. He's still at Three Ponies. He hasn't really left his room much. Apparently, it's a little…dark in the Ely household at the moment."
Hearing about Kit's pain hadn't helped me but I had been surprised that he was still around. Spring going into Summer was a hot time for a rodeo competitor. There were so many events going on.
Tears sprang to my eyes. I missed Kit. I missed him so much that I physically ached. Part of me wanted nothing more than to call him, to tell him we'd find a way to work through this, that our love was stronger than this.
That part was usually beaten down by a bigger part that said there was no way I could forgive him for this, that I couldn't trust him again.
I glanced at the door as a knock sounded. "Molly? It's Joe. I brought you some soup. I heard you were sick and wanted to check on you."
I sighed. Katie had been covering my lessons and duties for me. She had told me to take as much time as I needed and knew she had come up with an excuse to why I wasn't out there teaching.
Looking down at my clothes, I grimaced. I was wearing the same sweats as yesterday. There was a stain from something on the knee and my shirt was faded and worn. My reflection in the TV screen wasn't much better. Hair tossed into a messy bun, bags under my eyes.
Sighing, I called out "Come in!"
The door opened and Joe walked in, bringing sunlight with him. I winced as the brightness hit my eyes and he quickly closed the door. "Hey, how are you feeling?" He asked, setting a brown paper bag on the coffee table before sitting down next to me on the sofa.
I shrugged, before clearing my throat. "Fine, just a little under the weather. You probably shouldn't be here in case I'm contagious."
Joe gave me a sympathetic smile. "I'll be fine. Let me grab the soup for you."
"Oh, I'm not really hungry." I said quickly and he glanced over at me.
"Can I ask you something?" Joe asked quietly and I nodded. He shifted so he was fully facing me. "Did something happen between you and Kit?"
I tried really hard to keep my expression blank but I don't think I did a great job as Joe's face softened.
"I only ask because…well that day last week, Katie called asking if I had heard from you, you were missing and then you're sick…and I haven't seen Kit's truck here…you don't have to tell me anything. You can tell me to mind my own business." Joe added hurriedly.
Taking a moment to think it over, I released a breath before speaking. "Kit and I…broke up last Monday. Remember the girl from the photo?"
Joe nodded slowly and I continued. "It turns out, it was more than just a photo, more than just a kiss on the cheek." I told him, my voice breaking, staring ahead and trying not to cry. Again.
"Oh no. Oh Molly, I'm so sorry." Joe said gently, placing a hand on my knee.
I swiped at a lone tear that made its way down my cheek. "Thanks." I mumbled and turned my face away.
"What can I do? How can I help?" Joe asked softly, scooting closer.
I shook my head. "Nothing—unless you can build me a time machine and help me see the signs."
Joe sighed. "Molly, you know this isn't your fault right?"
Swallowing hard, I shrugged and Joe put his arm around me. "This is on Kit, not you."
"I know." I said, my voice cracking. "But I just feel like…"
"Like you don't know how you'll get past them and like you'll never meet anyone who makes you feel the way they do? That maybe you could just forgive them—but you know you can't?" Joe's voice was gentle and his thumb rubbed my shoulder.
"Yeah. Exactly." I whispered, a bit in awe at his way of describing my pain.
Joe nodded. "I've been there, Molly. I've been in your spot before. And I'm not going to lie, it's going to be awful for a while, it really will be. But you'll get through this. Just keep pushing through."
I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Thanks, Joe."
He reached for the bag. "You should really eat some of this. I know you probably feel like you don't want to, but you could at least sip some of it."
I sat up and nodded. "Let me try."
….
Kit POV
I stared up at the ceiling and watched as the fan spun around slowly. It had been over a week since Molly had ended things. A week since my life had ended.
Who knew having your world fall apart could hurt so much? That it could cause such physical pain?
I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was pretty much useless ever since that day.
Thinking back to that day, I thought about the drive back to Three Ponies, the quiet in the truck. No one had wanted to say anything—not one of my brothers made a single joke or said a word as tears continued to slide down my face.
I had went straight to the guest room, where I could be alone. After I had laid down on the bed, I could hear Mom and Dad arguing outside the door. Mom most likely wanted to come in and ask what was going on—what had happened—and I'm sure Dad was telling her to leave it alone, leave me alone.
Mom had won. "Kit, Honey, what happened?"
I remembered looking at her and my Dad as they stood there, their concern obvious. I had sat up and shook my head. "I made a mistake. One time. Well more than once I guess if you count not telling Molly myself…But what she thinks happened, didn't."
Mom had sat down beside me and I had explained the Valentine's Day incident, shame coursing through me as I told them about the girl, the bar, the hotel room kissing, and Molly's call. I found myself unable to stop as I told them about just wanting to keep it from Molly the more time went on, how we had been planning a future together.
"Grandpa Mac even gave me Grandma May's ring." I confessed, a tear making its way down my face. Mom had looked up quickly at Dad and I knew this information was new to at least her. "I screwed up, Mom, Dad. I screwed up badly and because I didn't tell her myself…this girl lied and Molly won't believe me because I've been lying to her for months myself. I don't know what to do."
Mom's advice had been this: give her time and space to work out her feelings.
Of course, that had been before Molly had called me over and ended things the next day. Before she had told me that she couldn't move past this, that there was no future for us.
I knew Nate went over as often as he could to be with Molly. While it was slightly irritating that he got to be there, I was glad she had friends. Mom had been wanting to go over but wasn't sure if it would be good or not, I had overheard her talking to Dad about it.
Nate refused to talk about it with me. In fact, he had been giving me the cold shoulder whenever he saw me. It was a bit surprising, honestly. Nate and I had always been close before.
A knock at the door brought me out of my thoughts. "Sweetheart? I thought you should know that Glen's here, checking out Soda's injury….he thought that you might want to come out and assist."
I nearly jumped out of bed. Glen had been true to his word since that day about keeping me updated on things. Later that day, he had let me know that Molly was surrounded by her friends who were supporting her. He told me that he thought she just needed some time to process what had happened and not to give up.
Dressing quickly, I went down to the barn. Bryan was holding Soda, his mare, for Glen as he looked over her leg. "Yeah, it's probably just a sprain. I'd ice it or hose it down twice a day and I'll leave you some banamine to help the swelling. Keep her stalled while she heals but otherwise, I see her healing just fine."
Bryan looked relieved. "Thanks, Glen. I'm glad it's just a sprain. All that mud out there…"
Glen nodded. "Yeah, makes for a slippery ride. Hopefully this week's weather will help it dry up some." Glen seemed to notice me and he nodded at me. "Hey there Kit, why don't you walk with me while I get Soda's meds out of the truck?"
I followed Glen as he went to his truck. "How is she?" I asked quietly as he opened a compartment on his truck.
Glen sighed, rummaging around for something. "Katie has been handling her lessons all week. Told Molly to take all the time she needed. Molly is…well she's heartbroken, Kit." Glen told me, shaking his head. "Katie goes over there in the evenings and stays with her for as long as she can. Tia has been there almost everyday as well. Of course, you know that Nate's there all the time…" He trailed off and we watched as Nate got into his truck, glaring at me.
"I'm glad she has him." I said dejectedly as I watched his truck leave the ranch. Was he going to see Molly or was he going to work?
Glen leaned against his truck fiddling with the bottle of meds. "So…is it true? Was it just a kiss or was it…more?"
I shook my head hard. "It was just the kiss. I mean, making out, but that was it. I didn't let it go any farther."
"So the girl lied?" Glen asked, looking at me and I nodded.
"Glen, I swear to you, I didn't have sex with that girl. I know that you and everyone else might not believe me, but it's the truth. That girl is lying to Molly. For what reason, I have no clue."
Glen sighed again. "I believe you, for what it's worth. But I've gotta say Kit, you should have told her the moment it happened."
Now it was my turn to sigh. "I know, I was an idiot. I just wanted to spend more time with her. I just wanted to forget it ever happened, just wanted to be with her…"
"She might forgive you, you know, eventually." Glen said, trying to sound positive.
I glanced down at the ground. "Glen, I don't think she's ever going to forgive me for it. She sounded so sure."
"Give it time, Kit. She just found out, she'll need time for it to sink in, to process, and sort through her feelings. Don't give up hope." Glen gave my shoulder a pat before heading back to the barn.
I could hope with all that I had that Glen was right, that'd she process it and find it in herself to forgive me, to get past it. But a thought ran though my mind that maybe she could forgive me, move past it…that still didn't mean she'd want to be with me.
Someone could forgive you but not want to be with you anymore.
But I did what Glen said and held onto that hope that she'd come back.
….
Molly POV
I was just finishing getting dressed after my shower when I heard my front door open and close. "Katie?" I called out, thinking it was probably her coming in.
"It's me!" Nate called back and I opened the bedroom door to find him in the kitchen. He looked back from his raid of the fridge and smiled. "I see someone showered and dressed."
I flushed at his words. "Yeah, I dragged myself into the shower after Joe stopped by and I realized how awful I looked. I really needed a shower."
Nate closed the fridge and turned towards me. "Joe stopped by?"
I sighed at his tone. "He stopped by to drop off soup because he thought I was sick…though he now knows that Kit and I broke up."
"Was he able to contain his excitement?" Nate asked sarcastically.
"He wasn't excited over it. He was very sweet, in fact." I answered, ignoring his sarcasm as I walked towards the living room.
Nate came and joined me on the couch. "So what did Sweet Joe have to say?"
I rolled my eyes. "Nate…"
He held his hands up in surrender. "Fine, fine, I will keep my comments to myself."
I told him about how Joe said it wasn't my fault, that he knew how it felt to be in my position, and that I just needed to keep pushing through the pain as hard as it was.
"Ew, I can't believe I'm in agreement with the creep." Nate scowled. I laughed at his disgust.
"Nate, I know Joe has his flaws but underneath it all I truly believe he's a good guy." I looked down at my hands, sobering up. "And it was nice to hear that it wasn't my fault, that nothing I did caused it."
I could feel Nate's eyes on me. "Molly, you have to know it wasn't your fault. You do know that right?"
The room blurred and Nate grabbed my hand. "Molly, you are not at fault here. It's all on Kit. It was his choice."
"But what if I had a part in making him choose to make that choice?" I asked, barely audible.
"What?! What do you think you could have done differently to make him not make the dumb decision that he did?" Nate demanded, pulling my face up to make me look at him.
"I could have slept with him, Nate. I mean it wasn't like Kit was abstaining or anything. He had told me before that he enjoyed…being with women. I wouldn't sleep with him and he said he could handle it but apparently he couldn't." I blurted out and I watched as indignation flashed in Nate's eyes.
"Molly, you listen to me, and listen to me closely. Nothing you did or didn't do made Kit do what he did. That is all on Kit, not on you. Kit knew from the beginning how you felt about saving yourself and if it bothered him, he shouldn't have continued the relationship. But listen to me when I say, don't ever think you have to change yourself or who you are to keep someone or make them be faithful." Nate said fiercely.
I met his eyes and he continued. "The right person will love you for who you are and will love all of you. For the right person, being faithful won't ever be a challenge, no matter what, because they love you. Kit…Kit wasn't the right person for you and I know it hurts, but sometimes we love people…and they aren't the ones for us."
Nate's thumb slid over my cheek and stopped a tear that fell. "Please understand that you are an amazing, beautiful, smart woman who anyone would be lucky to have. I'm sorry my brother screwed it up royally with you, but don't ever doubt or second guess yourself, okay?"
I nodded, putting my head on his shoulder. "Thank you, Nate. For this and for being here for me through all of this. I don't know what I would have done without you or Katie."
"Anytime, Molly. Anytime." Nate gave my hand a squeeze. "Now can we get some food? I'm starving."
I laughed at his sudden change. "Sure, I actually have an appetite. What should we get? Pizza or Clara's?"
"Clara's." We both said in unison with a grin.
…..
Molly POV, Saturday May 26th
Another week had passed and while I still hurt, I was able to manage through the pain. I was back to teaching lessons and working in the barn.
It had been good timing because Julio was away for the weekend, visiting his family for the Memorial Day weekend, so there was plenty of work to be done.
I tossed another forkful of shavings and manure into the wheelbarrow. The physical work was helpful in keeping me occupied. I didn't mind mucking out the stalls or stacking hay.
At the sound of footsteps, I looked up from the soiled shavings. In walked Sheriff Ballard and a young man behind him. As always, I smiled at bit at the Sheriff's droopy mustache. I swore that man kept it just to look like an Old West Sheriff.
The man – though he looked young, maybe my age – with him was tall – probably close six feet – and had dark blonde hair that curled at the top of his neck. He wore a button up blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, jeans, and a pair of boots. His eyes were a light blue and they glanced around the barn, taking in everything.
I didn't recognize him, but I was still meeting people.
Sheriff Ballard's eyes landed on me and he smiled. "Molly, how're you doing?"
Leaning the plastic mucking fork against the wall, I left the stall. "I'm doing good Sheriff, can I help you with something?"
"I'm looking for Katie – she has the notes from our last Search & Rescue meeting, plus I'd like to talk to her about some training."
"You just missed her – she went with her Dad to pick up a hay order about thirty minutes ago. But I think she left the notes on her desk, let me check real quick."
They both followed me to her office. "Yep, right here." I said, grabbing a small stack of papers off her desk. "Notes for Sheriff Ballard." I handed him the papers.
"Thanks, Molly." Sheriff Ballard smiled at me then he threw a thumb at the guy with him. "By the way, this is my newest Deputy, Leo Holden. Leo, this is Molly Parker, she's the riding instructor here at the Sterling Stables."
"Nice to meet you." I reached out to shake Leo's hand. He smiled in a friendly way at me and shook my hand.
"You too, Miss Parker. Hard to believe I haven't seen you in this small town before."
I laughed. "I know right? Darton is such a little town but I guess I haven't been out much the last few weeks." I tried not to notice Sheriff Ballard's sympathetic glance. Oh the perks of a small town – your breakup became the gossip that even the Sheriff knew. I gestured to Sheriff Ballard. "And maybe I can help you with the training aspect too – or at least know what you're looking for and pass it along to Katie when she gets back." I motioned for them to sit and took a seat myself in Katie's chair, grabbing her notebook.
Sheriff Ballard glanced at the man beside him before turning back to me. "Actually, I guess you're the one I need to talk to anyways so this works out. Leo here, is looking to become a member of our Mounted Search and Rescue squad. Problem is, he hasn't done much riding."
I smiled easily. "Well I can fix that. I have plenty of time in my schedule to add another student. And I assume we'd want to learn Western?"
Leo nodded. "I rode a few times when I was a kid and I know they say it's like riding a bike but I don't know about that."
We all laughed. "That's what they say and I'm inclined to agree but if you only did it a few times, you probably could benefit starting from the basics." I thought about my teaching schedule. "What day and time would work best for you? I'm pretty flexible with my schedule and we can even do evenings if that's easier since we have the indoor arena."
"How about Thursday evenings? I'm usually off then." Leo suggested, glancing at me.
"I don't have any other students on Thursdays so that works out great." I answered with a smile.
"Great." Sheriff Ballard smiled and tapped the desk. "So the County will be paying – what's your usual rate?"
I leaned back in the chair. "Well I could probably swing a discount for you – seeing as you're the local Sheriff's office, I just have to run it by Katie." I told him my usual fee and he grinned.
"Me and the County would be real appreciative of any discounts. Heck, maybe we could talk about a refresher course out here at Sterling Stables for the entire group. I know Preston's been wanting to hold another desensitization clinic."
"Preston, Trudy's Preston?" I asked warmly, thinking of the woman and her husband. I tried to make it over every few weeks to visit the sanctuary and the mustangs.
"Yeah, we had one a few years ago – which is how him and Trudy met. It was fun. We always talked about having another one, a more intermediate version." The Sheriff nodded.
Excitement ran through me at the thought. "I love that idea. We should definitely have it here and I'm sure Katie would love it too. I know Honor could use the work."
"That's your Grulla filly? She's a gorgeous one, though I'm a little biased about Grullas seeing as my Jinx is one." Sheriff Ballard chuckled and I nodded.
"You want to see her? She's right out in the pasture here." I gestured towards the back pastures.
The Sheriff glanced at Leo. "You mind?"
Leo grinned. "I think even if I did, I'd be outnumbered. Let's see her."
I laughed and led them out of the office towards the pastures. "She's my baby and my rodeo horse." I told Leo as we walked.
"Haven't done much rodeoing lately have you?" Ballard asked and I remembered he had been a rodeo competitor himself years ago.
I shook my head. "Not much. I've been so busy with teaching and I'm helping Katie bring along one of her young jumpers, Bailey, so my focus has been there. I was thinking of maybe using the summertime to enter a few though."
"Molly here is a hell of a barrel racer." The Sheriff told Leo. "In addition to being our local riding instructor."
I flushed at his compliment and noticed Leo looking at me differently – kind of like in awe, making my face flush more.
"Here's Honor." I pulled myself up onto the fence and pointed her out. Her beautiful Grulla coat was shining in the May sunshine and she lifted her head, noticing us.
"Those Grullas." Sherriff Ballard said with an admiring sigh. "They sure are something."
"They are." I agreed smiling. I smooched at Honor and she trotted over, eager for attention.
After giving Honor some attention and talking some more, Leo and Sheriff Ballard left. I waved as I watched them get into their car before going back into the barn.
Another student and a second Western student. It was kind of exciting and exactly what I needed to keep my mind occupied. Days or evenings when I didn't have much going on were the worst. It gave my mind too much time to think and dwell on things I shouldn't.
Sighing, I picked up the pitchfork. It still hurt and I still missed Kit. I knew that he was still in Darton and that's partially why I hadn't been out and about as much – besides being, well, depressed over the breakup.
I wasn't ready to see him or run into him. Though from what I heard, he wasn't doing much outside of Three Ponies.
Thinking about Three Ponies made me think of the calls from Mac. He had reached out, he knew what happened and he wanted to see me – but only if I wanted to see him, he had made that clear.
Outside of Nate, I hadn't seen any of the Elys and I wasn't sure how it would be to see them. They were Kit's family, not mine. Though Nate had made it clear that he was angry with Kit and completely on my side, I couldn't – and didn't – expect his family to keep in contact with me. Didn't families usually stick with their family member and stop interacting with the ex?
I tossed some more soiled shavings into the wheelbarrow. I didn't want to come between Kit and his family, didn't want to hurt their family. They were Kit's.
Head full of too many thoughts, I finished up with the mucking and thought about my next task. A few of the horses needed exercised and I looked forward to that. I loved riding and to be able to do it and get paid was the best.
Bailey was my first one to take out. I loved riding him, he was my favorite besides Honor. We had grown so close since I had started riding him and he was a great jumper.
He pulled at the bit, eager to hit the course. "We have to warm up first." I said, chuckling as I kept the reins tight, not letting him have his head.
Once he was warmed up, we went over a few of the jumps. Bailey took them as if they were nothing and I couldn't help but smile. It had been fun bringing Bailey along with Katie, helping to train him.
It brought back thoughts of training a horse from the beginning. Honor had been pretty much trained by the time I got her except for putting more 'miles' on her.
I had never had time or the ability to have an untrained horse with all of the traveling. Maybe I'd add that to my list of things to do. That would surely take up my free time and leave little room for thinking.
Just as I finished up with Bailey, I noticed the person standing at the fence line.
"Mac." I said in surprise as I dismounted from Bailey.
Mac smiled, holding the gate open for Bailey and I. "Molly, it's good to see you."
I didn't know what to do. Did I hug him? He must know everything that had gone on and knew Kit and I had split. I wanted to hug him, talk with him like I usually did. We hadn't spoken in two weeks, though that was on me because Mac had reached out.
My eyes met his and his arms opened up, an invitation. Without thinking, I threw myself into his arms. Mac's arms enclosed around me and I heard him sigh.
His hand rubbed my back for a moment and I felt tears prick my eyes. I had missed Mac, so much. He had become so much more to me than Kit's grandfather over the last seven months that I had been here. Not seeing him or talking with him for the past two weeks had been hard.
"I wanted to see how you were. You weren't returning my calls." He said gently as we pulled back from the embrace. I glanced down at the reins in my hand.
"Well after everything…I wasn't sure how you'd feel or if it was really appropriate for me to talk to you." I answered, sounding unsure.
"Let's get Bailey put away and then let's talk." Mac suggested and we did. I cooled Bailey out while Mac waited in the barn.
Once Bailey was back in his stall munching on hay, I invited Mac into Katie's office where she had a small sofa.
"First, how are you?" He asked as we settled down into our seats. How did I answer that? How was I?
"I'm making it through." I responded finally, thinking that was the best I could say. "It's still really hard and I'm struggling but I'm pushing through."
Mac watched my face carefully and nodded at my words. "This was not what you had saw when you thought about the future."
I made a noise of agreement and let out a breath. "That's an understatement. We were apart a lot but Kit cheating never went through my mind until a few weeks ago." Our eyes met and I continued. "I never thought Kit would cheat on me, ever. That was never an issue really between us though he was on the road all the time. But last month, when I went to visit him in New Mexico…"
"When you went to visit him…" Mac gestured for me to continue.
"There were these girls in the bathroom at the rodeo. They didn't see me and they were talking about him. Just normal girl stuff, that he was cute and stuff but then one of the girls said something about a rumor that had been going around. A rumor that he had hooked up with a buckle bunny back in February – the same time the drama with the picture was going on."
Mac nodded slowly, listening and encouraging me to continue. I took a deep breath. "It planted a seed – or maybe the seed was already there from February. I couldn't ask him, I was too afraid of what he might say. So I tried to move past it and forget. But then…I messaged the girl." I sighed and looked down. "She confessed the whole thing to me and Kit denies what happened. He doesn't deny being unfaithful, but what she says happened and what really happened is two very different things."
"But you don't believe him." Mac said slowly and I winced. This was his grandfather. I shouldn't even be discussing this with Mac.
I shrugged, not wanting to answer. "I want to. I really do…because maybe if it was just some kisses, I could move past it. Maybe. But…he didn't say anything for months, Mac. He let me dream up a future and fall deeper in love with him. He hid it from me instead of coming clean. Was he ever going to tell me or let it continue on?"
Mac sighed then, reaching for my hand. "I've spoken with my grandson just as I am speaking to you. Heard both of your sides. I can tell you this, Kit truly never meant to hurt you and he does love you. According to him, he was going to tell you the day you found out. He planned to take you on a ride and come clean. He knew you two would never be able to make a good life together if he kept it a secret. Would that have made a difference, if he had been the one to tell you?"
It was silent as I thought about it. Would it have been different if he had told me himself? If he had come home and confessed? I wasn't sure. He had still cheated. How would I ever be able to trust him again when he went back?
I'll give up the rodeo for you. I'll stop. I will quit today, if you just say we can try again.
The words rushed through my mind unexpectedly. Kit had really said that, offered it up. But he loved the rodeo and probably would have went back eventually or ended up resenting me for ending his career before he was ready.
Shaking that thought from my head, I answered Mac's question. "I don't know." I ran a hand through my hair. "It would have helped, that's for sure, if he had told me right away. But the trust still would have been broken and how can a relationship survive with no trust when you're apart all the time?"
Mac nodded, getting what I said. "You're right, without trust a relationship won't survive. And I just want to be clear that I'm not here to try to convince you to get back with Kit. That is your choice and your choice alone. Am I greatly saddened by the two of you being broken up? Of course, but I can't force you to be together."
Biting my lip, I tried not to ask the question that I wanted to – but it slipped out. "How is he?"
Mac smiled in understanding. "He is struggling as you are. There's a lot of guilt on top of the sadness. He misses you and is feeling a little lost, like I imagine you are."
Lost was a good word to describe it. And lonely, though I was surrounded by people.
"Earlier, you said that you weren't sure if it was appropriate for us to talk. Molly, I want you to know that I want to talk with you and be here for you. I am always going to be here for you. It doesn't matter that Kit and you are no longer together. That doesn't change how I feel about you." Mac squeezed my hand. "And Kit wouldn't ask you or any of us to stop talking. I believe Maxine would like to see you as well, but has wanted to respect your space and not push herself on you. We're Kit's family but you've become a part of our family as well. None of this has changed that."
That broke me and my eyes burned as I tried to keep the tears inside but failed.
"Oh, Molly." Mac pulled me into a hug and I broke down, my sobs loud. He rubbed my back with one hand and rocked me soothingly.
"I miss you all." I sobbed into his shoulder. "I miss seeing you all and being a part of your family."
"Shhh." He soothed, still rocking me. "You've got us still. We're here. I know it won't be the same as it was but we're still here for you too, Molly."
We both separated as we heard a car door shutting. Looking at my watch, I realized it was almost time for Tia's lesson. I had offered to take it over for Katie so she could go with Drew.
"Oh, I've got a lesson." I said, pulling back and wiping at my eyes. "Tia's early."
Mac rubbed my arm and smiled. "You go get yourself together for a moment and I'll go out to greet Tia. I haven't seen her since your graduation party."
"Thanks, Mac." I said softly and hugged him one more time. He squeezed me tightly for a moment.
"Don't be a stranger, Molly. And let's get lunch together sometime soon. Marianne was asking about you as well. Maybe all three of us could go."
I smiled at Mac, feeling happy at the thought. "I'd love that. Let me know a day that works for you and I'll work it out."
I went off to my apartment quickly and went into the bathroom. My eyes were red and puffy from crying. There was no changing that. I splashed water on my face and dried it with a towel. Tia would no doubt ask what had happened but at least it was her and not another student.
Keeping it together for my young students wasn't too hard because they were so happy and it was fun to be with them. They didn't notice too much if my voice wavered or I seemed to fake the happiness.
This too shall pass. I thought to myself, half-heartedly.
Leaving the apartment and approaching the barn, I heard Tia and Mac laughing. Tia had Peach already in cross-ties and was grooming her while Mac sat on a hay bale near her.
I was glad to see how easily they got along. Two of my favorite people.
"Tia, hi, sorry I'm a little behind." I told her, walking into the barn. She turned, her eyes taking in my puffy eyes but saying nothing. Tia smiled and waved it off.
"It's okay, sweetheart. Mac and I were just catching up. He's going to stay for my lesson." She told me as she tacked up Peach.
We went to the outdoor arena and I put Tia through warming up. She was doing well – honestly she probably didn't need the lessons anymore. Especially since I thought most of her reasoning for the lessons was to get closer to me.
After she warmed up Peach, I had her sit on the side of the arena while I set up a few barrels.
Smiling, I turned back to her and she watched with me an amused smile. "Molly, why are you setting up a barrel pattern?"
"Well, I want to see you in action." I laughed and gestured to the barrels. "You said you liked the Western events when you were younger, so give it a go."
"But Peach – " Tia started but I cut her off.
"I've ridden Peach through the pattern a few times, Peach will know what you want."
"C'mon Tia, let's see you do it!" Mac called from the fence where he was standing with a smile.
Sighing but smiling, she gave in. She trotted Peach in a circle before asking for a lope. Tia and Peach completed the barrel pattern at a lope and then rode back to me.
I nodded towards the pattern. "Take her around again faster. Let's see it for real."
Shaking her head, Tia turned Peach and the horse leaped into a run. I watched in pleasure as Tia took the barrels and kept her seat easily. Peach went around the barrels like a horse in training – a little too wide – but went about it enthusiastically.
As Tia flew around the third one and ran Peach towards the beginning, she was grinning from ear to ear. Mac and I cheered her on.
"Oh my gosh, that was so fun!" Tia said laughing as she pulled Peach up. "I haven't ran a barrel pattern in over twenty years but it just comes rushing back."
I gave Peach a pat on the neck and returned Tia's smile. "You're a natural – now I know I get it from you."
Tia dismounted, still laughing. "You definitely have rodeo in your blood, that's for sure."
"Like mother, like daughter it is." Mac commented as we walked towards him.
Tia slung her arm around me. "The barrel racing bug is in both of us, but Molly's the talented one."
I helped Tia cool out and untack Peach. Mac had headed out – telling me to not forget about lunch one day with him and Marianne.
I came back from putting Peach's tack away and Tia looked like she had something to say.
"What's up?" I asked, feeding Peach a treat. She lipped it up happily and I smiled.
"Paul, Hope, and I are going to Lake Tahoe for the week of July 4th and we were hoping that maybe you'd come with us." Tia bit her lip anxiously.
"Oh." I said in surprise. A family vacation. And they wanted me to come with them. I had never really be on one.
"Don't feel like you have to." Tia rushed to add, seeing my surprise and hesitation. "We just wanted to invite you and we thought you might like to come. Hope is bringing one of her friends and feel free to invite someone you'd like to – though they'll have to share a bedroom with you."
"No, I'd like to." I found myself saying and was a bit surprised at myself. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it. I'd get to spend the week with Hope, Tia, and Paul. It could be fun and we could get to know each other more. "I just have to run it past Katie first since I'd be gone for a week."
"Of course!" Tia said but she was smiling. My decision made her happy and it made me happy too. My first family vacation. And I could bring a friend.
My first thought was Katie – but we both couldn't leave Sterling Stables. I'd need coverage for my lessons and that would be too much work for Drew and Julio. Nate was my next thought but I wasn't sure how that would go over with anyone – or if he'd even want to go.
"And like I said, you're welcome to bring someone along as well. We booked a three room cabin so we'll have space. We're going to drive and you can ride with us or drive yourself, whichever you prefer. There's so many things to do at Lake Tahoe, you'll love it."
I smiled. "Thank you. I'm definitely looking forward to it. I'll talk with Katie once she gets back."
After she put Peach back in her stall, Tia clasped her hands and looked at me. "How are you holding up, with everything? I could see you had been crying earlier."
I sighed, sitting down on a nearby hay bale. "I'm making it through. It's better than it was, though I'm not over it by a lot. It was hard talking with Mac. I haven't seen him since it all happened. You know, with him being Kit's family and all." I admitted.
Tia sat down beside me, making a sympathetic noise. "It's hard but he really cares for you. He's been worried about you, he told me. He knew how much you loved Kit."
My throat tightened and I nodded silently. Tia put her arm around me. "Just remember, you only have to take it one day at a time. Even an hour at a time."
"You and everyone else being around has been really helpful." I told her, feeling grateful for my friends and family.
"We all love you and we want to know that you're okay." Tia smiled softly.
I nodded. "He's still in Darton, you know."
Her eyes watched me carefully. "And how does that make you feel?"
I shrugged. "I mean it's his hometown, he can stay however long he wants…it's just I thought he'd be gone by now. Back to the rodeo. He loves it so much."
Tia nodded, listening. She always listened when I needed her to.
"I'm afraid to run into him. I mean I know it's going to happen eventually and I need to learn to live with it, but I feel like it would break me right now. Here at the stables, it's safe because Katie told him he wasn't welcome. But I could run into him at Clara's or the store in town."
"It could happen." Tia agreed quietly. "It's going to happen and you can't avoid it forever, though right now it is really soon for you two to see each other and not relive it all."
"I just want him to go." I confessed, feeling ashamed. As I had said, it was Kit's hometown, so I didn't have any right to feel like he should leave. "I know I have no right to feel that way but he was the one who cheated, so he should go."
Tia sighed and rubbed my arm. "I'm not going to say you have no right to feel that way, because you do, but it's not exactly sensible, sure. Of course, no one is sensible after having their heart broken."
"When will I stop feeling this way?" I asked, leaning my head against her shoulder. "I don't want to feel this way anymore."
"Oh sweetheart, I can't tell you how long you'll feel this way. It's different for everyone. And it's hard, especially because your lives are so intertwined. A lot of your friends are his friends too and his family had become close with you. So it's going to take some time for everything to stop feeling this way. Like I said, it's different for everyone."
"I just want it to stop." I said, sighing and she sighed with me.
"I know, sweetheart. I know and if I could take away your pain, I would."
And I knew in my heart that she would. That any mother would.
…
Kit POV
I sat on the porch, sipping a beer when I heard someone talking through the open kitchen windows.
"….why isn't he helping? He's not doing anything but laying around and drinking beer!" It sounded like Quinn's voice and he sounded mad.
"Quinn, he's going through a lot and we all process differently." That was Mom, my defender 'til the end.
"Mom, we know he just had his heartbroken and all, but it's not like his actions didn't lead to it and it's not anything any of us haven't been through before."
I gritted my teeth as the words flowed through the window. Had he ever lost the love of his life? Had he had his heart shattered like mine had been? I had spent years of my life devoted to this ranch before going off to rodeo and I had always helped when I came home, even when I was injured. So big deal, I hadn't helped much in the last two weeks.
"Quinn Ely!" She reprimanded him sharply. "Kit made a mistake. We all make mistakes. He is having a hard time dealing with what is going on and he will come out of it eventually. As his family, we should support him."
Quinn scoffed and someone else's voice came into the conversation. "Mom, I think all Quinn is saying is that it would be nice to have some help to pick up some of the work around here. We're all helping out like we do and Kit should be too. It's been two weeks. Molly sure isn't sitting in her apartment still. She's the victim in this. If she can do it, so can he." It was Bryan.
Man, three of my brothers against me. Nate, Quinn, and Bryan. Nate had been expected because of how close Molly and him had gotten. Bryan and I had always been close – Quinn too. Adam avoided the subject altogether, not wanting to get into it or take sides. Jake kept his feelings to himself when he was home, but I got the feeling that he, too, felt that I was in the wrong.
Which I was. No doubt about it. But I had expected my brothers to at least not take shots at me like Quinn was.
Dad was like Jake, staying out of the situation. He had told me what I did was wrong but that was it. Mom, of course, was my support. She hated what I did and she loved Molly. She understood Molly breaking up with me and didn't hold it against her – but I was her firstborn. She loved me no matter what, as a parent did.
I knew she had wanted to see Molly – hell I knew most of my family had wanted to – but besides Nate, they had been giving her space, not knowing how she'd feel about their presence.
Just the other day, Grandpa Mac had come over to talk with me. We had talked out in the sunroom, alone, about what had happened. He was disappointed in my actions, but believed me when I said it hadn't gone further.
When he had asked why I had done it, I hadn't been able to give him an answer. I was drunk was not an acceptable answer to him. He knew I loved Molly, wanted her to be my wife, but yet I had strayed with another woman.
Then he had dropped a bombshell. "When your Grandma May and I were dating…I too was unfaithful to her."
I remembered how my mouth had dropped open, shocked to my core. My grandparent's – and parent's – relationship had always been an example of how love worked and the example of true love. They had never seemed to fight and seemed in love, even at their older age.
"But you and Grandma May seemed so happy. I never would have thought that there were any issues in your relationship." I had told him truthfully, still not believing.
Grandpa Mac had nodded slowly. "I know. It was during our engagement and we had been having a lot of arguments lately, during our wedding planning. I let myself be swayed on something I thought I was unmovable on. When I told her what had happened, it nearly destroyed us. She was so hurt and angry with me. Didn't know how she'd ever trust me again…" Grandpa Mac sighed. "We called off the wedding. I thought everything was over."
"How did you two end up back together?" I asked, wondering how it was possible.
Grandpa Mac smiled. "I put in the work, son. It was hard, let me tell you. Your Grandma May was no pushover and she was hard on me about it – and rightfully so. I had broken her trust, crushed her heart. I devoted myself to showing her that I'd never make that mistake again, that she could trust me. I gave her space at first, letting her get her feelings out and tend to her wounds before I tried again. I started sending her favorite flowers, writing her letters everyday, being honest with her about everything, letting her know how sorry I was. We went to counseling with one of the Elders. It was hard, I can tell you that. But worth it. After a year of us being apart, we were together again. And we got married, had your father. Watched him fall in love with your mother, build up this ranch, raise you boys."
Grandpa Mac sighed, sounding far away. "It was the best years of my life and I was thankful for every day I had with your grandmother. She trusted me again and I never gave her another reason not to. I worked on myself and made sure I was the husband she deserved. I never thought about straying again. I knew how lucky I was to have her and I wouldn't do anything else to hurt her. When she passed, the light left my life it felt like." He glanced at me. "Molly loves you and you love her. I believe you two are meant for each other, but now it is up to her. You made a choice and now so has she. I hope that is not the end for you both, but only time will tell."
I swallowed hard, thinking of what he had and what I had said next. "Do you think there's any chance at all I'll get her back? I'm not sure that I ever will. She seemed so firm on not being able to trust me ever again, not being able to move past what I did."
"I am not sure." He said truthfully and I had winced. "Everything is still new and her pain is fresh. And it's new to her since you were her first relationship, her first love. She may be able to move past it when time has passed. Not everyone can, though, Kit and you should be prepared for that outcome. Give her space for now and maybe an opening will come for you two to come back together. It's up to you, too, and how long you are willing to try, to wait for her."
"I'd wait forever for her." I said fiercely and meant every word. I wasn't lying when I told Molly I'd spend the rest of my life hoping she'd change her mind. Even if I dated someone else, it would never be like what I had with her.
Grandpa nodded and smiled as if my answer pleased him. "Then give her time and space. Let her process her feelings and stop worrying about what this other girl said to her. Sure, thinking you had sex with someone is worse than kissing, but in the end, cheating is cheating. What you need to focus on is proving to her that she can trust you again and that you'll stray from your relationship again."
His words had given me hope. Maybe there would be hope for Molly and me in the future. I just had to give her time – which I would do, though I hated it.
I missed her, so much. She was so close by but yet so far. I might as well have been on the rodeo circuit for how slim the chance it was that I'd see her.
Grandpa Mac had mentioned wanting to see Molly, if she was open to it. He seemed to indicate he wasn't sure if I would be against that or not.
"Of course you should see her. You and her are so close. She misses you, I'm sure. Don't think you can't see her because of me or something. That includes everyone in the family. I won't stand in the way of any of you still having a relationship with her." I had told Grandpa Mac and he nodded.
He had told me to hang in there and he'd help in whatever way he could.
A door opening brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see Quinn. He looked at the beer bottle I held with disdain, but said nothing as he walked past me, headed towards the barn.
A moment later, it opened again and Mom looked out. She looked surprised to see me sitting there and then she came to sit beside me.
"I'm guessing you heard that." She gestured towards the open windows and I nodded, my mouth tightening. She sighed. "Kit, they don't mean to be so harsh. They're just stressed out, that's all. It's hard to understand when you're not going through it yourself. And maybe getting back into the ranch work would help. It would take your mind off of things, sweetheart. If you're staying, that is."
I knew she was wondering if I'd go back to the rodeo. Knew they were all surprised that I hadn't left town yet. But I knew if I went back to the rodeo now, it'd be a disaster and probably get me injured.
No, I'd leave when I could get my head in the game. Distraction and broncs didn't go well together.
"I don't have plans to go back at the moment. I need to get it together first." I told her and watched as she relaxed. She loved having me home since I was gone so much during the last seven years.
"How are you feeling?" She asked, rubbing my back.
"Like my whole life has fallen apart." I answered, a bit bitterly. But what could I say? As my brothers pointed out, it was my fault, no one else's.
Mom made a sound of sympathy. "I know it's been hard, sweetheart."
I nodded, thinking that was an understatement. "I have these voicemails from Molly and I keep listening to them, just so I can hear her voice. I miss her, Mom."
She hugged me then, laying her head on my shoulder. "I know you do, honey, I know."
Dinner that night felt awkward. I couldn't help but notice the way Quinn ignored anything I said – even when I asked him to pass the rolls – and Bryan didn't talk much to me. Nate continued on acting as if I didn't exist. Adam wasn't home for dinner, still at work, and Jake seemed to feel the tension but didn't involve himself.
"So Grace called me today. She said they want to throw a birthday – slash – graduation party for Samantha. She wants us all there." Mom said cheerfully, trying to get rid of the tense atmosphere.
"Are you sure she wants all of us there?" Quinn muttered, pointedly looking at me.
"You know what Quinn, why don't you go scre– " I started but Dad cut us both off.
"ENOUGH!" Dad's thundering voice came and we all stopped what we were doing. It was rare when he was loud like this, he was so quiet usually. "You boys need to settle this stuff between you and be done with it. You're stressing your mother out and making life uncomfortable for everyone."
We all ate silently for a few minutes. "Of course we'll all be at Samantha's party." Bryan said finally, nodding at Mom.
"Good. We should get her something. Jake, maybe you have some ideas." Mom said, acting as if nothing had happened.
Jake shrugged and looked uncomfortable that Mom was singling him out. Though he was the one dating Samantha and had been her best friend for years, so it made sense.
Dinner passed with light, surface topics. The weather, the horses, cattle, work. No one wanted to bring Dad's wrath down on them.
After dinner, I took over dish duty, though it was someone else's turn. I needed to get myself back into helping. If anything, it'd keep my mind occupied, like mom said.
I was finishing up the dishes when I heard Nate's voice as he walked through the hall. "Lake Tahoe? For free? Yeah, you have to go. I'm sure Katie won't mind, Molly."
He walked out the front door and I couldn't hear much more of the conversation. Molly was going to Lake Tahoe? Was she going with anyone else?
Once the dishes were finished up, I decided to run into town. I knew Mom needed some things but hadn't felt like stopping on her way home, so I'd do it for her. It was the least I could do since she was being so supportive.
I was in one of the aisles looking for a spice Mom had requested when someone called my name. "Kit!" I turned to see Hope Geller and her dad, Paul, right behind her. She was smiling and heading my way, Paul following close behind. "I told my dad that was you when we passed! I haven't seen you in awhile, I thought you had went back on the circuit."
Her smile was genuine, so excited to see me and as she hugged me, it hurt a little. She obviously didn't know anything about the breakup – not that I thought she would. Paul's expression was friendly, with a touch of sadness. He knew, of course.
"Hey there, kid. I've been busy over at my family's ranch. Your lessons going well?" I asked and returned her hug before letting her go.
"Yeah, Molly says she's already got our shows planned out for the summer and it's going to be so fun!" She told me excitedly and I smiled, though it wasn't my normal one. "Riding and showing all summer is the dream!"
"It sure is." I said, chuckling at her enthusiasm, not able to help myself.
"Except for the week of July 4th. We're going to Lake Tahoe and Molly's coming! Are you coming with her? That would be so cool! We can rent jet-skis and maybe even a canoe or go hiking together!" Hope gushed on and I relaxed at the idea that Molly was going to Lake Tahoe with her family. But then what Hope was saying got through my head.
"Ah, no, I won't be." Paul and I met eyes. I could tell he didn't want me to indicate we weren't together and I nodded at him, letting him know I wouldn't. "That's prime-time rodeo so I'll be gone by then, I'm sorry."
She deflated at little at the news but smiled again quickly. "But you'll come to some of our shows, won't you? We love having you there!"
I nodded with a smile. "I'll come see you guys at one of your shows, yeah." I wasn't sure how truthful I was being but I'm sure I could make a show without letting Molly know I was there or getting in her way.
"Awesome!" She said and she hugged me again. "We better get going. Mom sent us for cleaning stuff and when she's on a cleaning kick, she gets cranky."
Hope started down the aisle and Paul held out his hand. "Good to see you, Kit. Thanks for not saying anything to her. We wanted to let Molly decide how to handle it."
I nodded. "I get it. Good to see you too, Paul."
"Good luck when you head back out to the circuit. We'll be thinking of you." He left to go find Hope and I sighed. This day was just getting worse. No doubt Hope too would be crushed when she found out. The others girls as well. I knew they liked having me around at the barn and the shows when I was there.
God I just wanted everything to go back to normal.
…
Molly POV
"You really don't mind?" I asked Katie as we sat in her office that evening. I had just asked her about the Lake Tahoe trip and she had said yes, that I should definitely go.
Katie smiled. "No, of course not! I'm not going anywhere that week, so me, Dad, and Julio can hold down the fort. I'll take your lessons that week and I'm hoping then I can ask you to pick up my slack the first weekend of August. Glen and I were going to make a trip to San Francisco. I'm going to meet his parents."
I gasped at her news. "What?! That's awesome. Of course I'll do it. Are you excited?"
She nodded, biting her lip. "Yes and no. I'm excited but I'm nervous! What if they don't like me?"
"What!" I laughed. "Katie, they'll love you! You and Glen are such a perfect pair and let's not forget you're a beautiful, successful businesswoman."
She tossed her hair back in mock-snootiness. "That's true. I guess they should be so happy that their son could get a woman like me."
We both burst into laughter and she shook her head. "I'm sure I'll be a wreck by the time it rolls around but it'll be nice to get away and go with Glen. We haven't had time – either of us – to really get away and I love San Francisco."
"I'm so excited for you." I reached forward to squeeze her hand and then I paused. "Do you think this might be a hint that…things might be moving in a certain direction?"
Katie's cheeks flushed with excitement. "Maybe. He's made it clear that he's a big fan of marriage and that he wants kids. We both love kids and I know he's told me quite a few times that he's glad he has such an understanding woman in his life about his job, that we're a good match."
"A match made in heaven." I said, smiling, thinking it was true for the both of them. They were so good together and such good people. It made me happy to see Katie really happy. "I'm so happy for you."
"Thanks Molly." Katie returned my squeeze. "I know it's been har –"
I held up my hand. "Please don't say it's been hard for me. I'm so emotionally tired out and I just don't want to talk about my relationship issues."
Katie nodded, quickly changing the subject. "So are you going to ask Nate to go with you to Lake Tahoe?"
"I want to." I told her, hesitation in my voice. "But do you think it's weird?"
Katie frowned and shook her head. "Why would it be weird?"
"Well it's not like we're dating or anything and we're going to have to share a bedroom. And it's Kit's brother. How will I explain that to Hope?"
"She still doesn't know?" Katie guessed and I shook my head. Katie shrugged. "She knows you and Nate are friends. It doesn't have to be a big deal. And the whole bedroom thing, it's not like you haven't slept in the same bedroom as Nate before. It's not like he's going to ask you to hookup or anything."
I let out a giggle at the thought. "Yes, the virgin who wants to save herself for marriage and the guy who doesn't commit. We would be a perfect match."
Katie laughed before saying, "A match made in heaven."
We both laughed again and it felt good to laugh.
I was getting through.
…..
AN: Hey readers! Unexpected update! It's not the story next in line to be updated but Molly and Kit have been on my mind and I recently went through the story to edit/make updates.
One thing you may notice if you re-read is that I've changed Molly's age. As I've grown older, I've seen the age difference in a different light and believe it needed to be changed. Molly is now twenty, instead of eighteen. I made some minor adjustments to the seventeen previous chapters and edited errors as I went.
I hope you enjoyed the chapter, let me know your thoughts and if there's anything you may be looking forward to seeing or would like to see more of!
Jmils11: I know and wish it had been Kit who had told her! It would have been slightly better coming from him. I've been in her position and it definitely causes a lot of conflicting feelings. As you see, Molly is getting some of her happiness back and she'll get more as she goes! We'll see what happens with Joe as for right now he's not being a creep but we shall see! Thank you for your review as always! (also did you see the Bree's Challenge update?)
Always,
QuinnandSeth'sgirl15