I don't own Digimon.
A/N: Love this chapter. It's also nice to show some of the relationships I may not have had much of an opportunity to focus on in the past, and this chapter let me do that with Sam and Kara.
Following the Footsteps of Destiny
Chapter 320: A Heartfelt Confession
Sam Ichijouji
Odaiba, Japan, Earth
"Sam...are you okay?"
Sam Ichijouji jumped at the sudden question, and frowning at the notes he had scribbled down for his school project, he let out a deep sigh before allowing his tired brain to fall back against the headboard. Thankfully, the pillow he was using to prop himself up softened the blow, but it did nothing to curb the anxiety building in his heart. The inquiry had come from his partner, who was nestled comfortably against his thigh on the bed, and turning to address the little digimon, he said wearily, "Asking me the same question over and over again isn't going to change my answer, Glimmermon."
"Which means you're not fine," his partner replied, the light emanating from the bulb on the little digimon's head flickering in obvious disappointment.
"Even if I'm not, does it matter?"
The only thing that matters to me right now is Mickey, and I know Matty feels the exact same way. Even if Mickey's sensible most of the time, he tends to lose his head a bit when someone he cares about is in danger. I don't blame him for that, but if something like that were to happen, I know he'll put himself at risk...
"You seem nervous," Glimmermon pointed out, ignoring his somewhat saucy reply. "How come?"
That was another issue entirely, and unfortunately it was a problem he was going to have to face sooner rather than later.
Takara obviously wants to talk to me, and it's only a matter of time before she barges in and demands I tell her whatever it is she wants to know. That's not exactly a bad thing per se, it's just...I don't think I'm ready to give her an answer yet. I just...can't bring myself to say anything to anyone right now. I know she means well, and I'm grateful that she cares so much, but...I need more time...
Except time was running out on him, and that was his greatest fear of all.
It's obvious Mickey's grown a lot more hesitant around me, but I can't tell if it's because he suspects the truth or if he's just worried about me. I know I haven't been acting like myself around him either, and I could see how that might make him worry about our friendship. Then again, maybe Mickey's behaviour is unrelated to my feelings. He might just think there's something else on my mind, and he's worried about upsetting me if he asks about it...
There were so many possibilities, and that more than anything was to blame for most of the frustration plaguing his mind. There was a part of him that wanted to reassure Mickey, but at the same time he didn't want to say too much in case he couldn't hold himself back from revealing the truth.
Am I a terrible person for doubting him? Even if I did tell Mickey how I really feel, why should it matter? I know him better than I know myself, and ultimately if he doesn't feel the same way, he's not the type of person who would distance himself from me. He's not like Makku's old friend, Akira. Mickey would never do that to me. I know that in my heart, so why...Why am I so scared to tell him?
If anything, that was the part that hurt him most of all. How could he call himself a true friend if he couldn't even summon the energy to trust the one person he loved most of all?
There's no sense in denying it anymore. I know what my heart's telling me, just like Makku said I would. It feels like the ultimate betrayal on my part to question Mickey's loyalty to me...
Sam knew better than anyone the dangers of allowing yourself to succumb to your own insecurities, but beyond that there was another issue that was perhaps just as bad. If his unusual behaviour was causing Mickey a lot of unnecessary stress, that could create a whole new set of problems, including the older twin shifting the blame to himself.
I know Mickey's going to suffer if he wants any hope of getting his Spirit Chip to work. There's no way to avoid that, but would I ever be able to forgive myself if I was the cause of that suffering? If I don't tell him the truth about my feelings, he might get the wrong impression and blame himself for my inability to act like a normal person. Knowing him as well as I do, he'll likely start to think he's the main reason I'm acting so strange and take it as a bad thing. Except...it's not a terrible thing. It's the opposite. It's because I care about him so much that I'm acting so stupid...
And that was the main problem. Mickey had no way of knowing the truth, and as a result there was a good chance the older twin would use his uncertainties as fuel for the inevitable fire to overcome the darkness in his heart.
I can see it already. My silence has the ability to send him spiralling into the shadows, and if you combine that with his insecurities about Matty, it'll be only too easy for him to succumb to the blackness eating away at the edges of his soul. How can I ever face him again if I contribute to his suffering? Even if he does overcome the darkness in his heart and somehow manages to harness the power of his Spirit Chip, that still won't make up for all the pain I'll have caused him.
Pain that could have been avoided.
Mickey...
Just thinking about the whole scenario caused an ache in his heart, and muttering to himself, he grumbled, "I really am an idiot."
"What was that?" Glimmermon asked, gazing at him with child-like innocence.
"Nothing. I'm sorry, I swear I'm not trying to be difficult. I just...I don't even know where to begin..."
Not surprisingly, Glimmermon's violet eyes began to sparkle with obvious concern, but before the little digimon could respond, the door flew open, creating a burst of energy that proceeded to filter ominously into the room. A moment later, Takara stepped across the threshold, and giving him a disapproving look, the female Digidestined said, "So this is where you've been hiding. If you don't want a lecture from your mother, you better act a little more social when you have guests in the house."
At those words, Sam raised his eyebrows and said, "It's just you and Noah. What's the big deal?"
"Oh, I see how it is," Takara teased, crossing the room to join him. "Try telling that to the formidable woman who feeds you everyday. That's why I'm here. I figured I'd better give you the head's up before she goes through with her threats and attempts to badger you about your lack of people skills."
I bet that's not the only reason you're here...
There was no avoiding the female Digidestined now, and resigning himself to the inevitable, Sam tossed his notes aside and said mildly, "Since when have my social skills ever been a problem? I'm trying to do school work here. Even she can't complain about that."
I bet Kara's going to ask me why I was holding Mickey's hand that night in the waterway. She definitely noticed, even if she didn't say anything about it at the time, which makes me wonder...If she's asking now, does that mean she's figured out the truth?
"When has that ever stopped your mother before?" Takara joked, making herself comfortable on the bed. "Seriously, though. She's worried about you, and I don't think you need me to explain why that is."
Sam took note of the fact that the female Digidestined was alone, having left her digimon partner with Miya and the others, and realising what that meant, he said quietly, "If you wanted to talk to me that badly, you could have just said so."
"Would you have agreed to humour me if I had?"
Despite the way his heart was racing, somehow Sam managed to maintain a neutral expression. "Depends. I'm pretty sure I know what you want, but I don't think I have the answers you're looking for."
"That's fine," Takara replied, reaching out to give his hand a gentle squeeze. "Sometimes talking helps, even if it doesn't solve the actual problem."
Kara...
Sam could feel his resolve cracking, and while he knew his heart wasn't ready to reveal the truth just yet, perhaps there was no harm in easing some of his fears.
She might even be able to help me see things in a different light.
"Sam?" Glimmermon pleaded, nudging him in the thigh. "Please don't shut us out."
"I'm not doing that," Sam quickly reassured his partner before turning to address the female Digidestined sitting at his feet. "If I could tell you anything about Mickey, I would, but ever since we had that disagreement in the waterway, I don't know what's going on in his head anymore."
Or his heart...
"Hmm...Setting that aside for the moment, I assume you're aware of the fact that everyone knows there's something...out of the ordinary going on between the two of you?" Takara asked, gazing expectantly at him.
Sam had suspected as much, though a part of him hadn't wanted to admit the truth to himself. It was embarrassing to say the least, and blushing slightly, he sighed and said, "I figured that was the case, even if I was kind of in denial about it. I didn't want to believe it was that obvious, but...guess that was a lot to ask for."
"Well, to be fair, some of us were pretty good at hiding our awareness of the situation," Takara added, smiling slightly. "I can't speak for the adults, though. I'm not sure how much they've figured out for themselves, but I wouldn't be surprised if they've caught on, especially when it comes to your parents."
"Yeah...they're pretty perceptive."
I've seen Dad watching me with that thoughtful look on his face a few times now, and Mom's always asking if everything's alright. It was pretty stupid of me to think nobody would notice, especially when it comes to my family and friends. As clueless as he is, even Dai would have picked up on the awkwardness between Mickey and I eventually, and if they all know then Matty definitely knows, despite his obvious efforts not to show it.
"Everyone's just concerned about you, Sam," Glimmermon insisted, hopping up and down on the comforter. "We all love you, and we don't want you to doubt yourself."
Sam was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest, and sensing Kara felt the same as his partner, he said firmly, "I'm not following the same path I took when I found out my father was the Emperor. This isn't like that. If you want to worry about somebody losing their heart to the darkness then you should direct your concerns at Mickey, not me."
"It's really bothering you, isn't it," Takara said slowly, her hazel eyes watching him closely. "The owner of the next Spirit Chip. You're scared of something happening to Mickey when we go to the Digital World to search for it. You and Matty. I definitely understand that, but...this is about more than just Mickey's vulnerability to the darkness, isn't it. Your fear runs far deeper than just the suffering Mickey will have to endure in order to reach his full potential."
Of course it does. How can anybody not be afraid of losing somebody they love forever just because you can't control your own feelings...
Sam was silent for a long moment, and keeping his face averted, he rested his arms on his knees and said quietly, "Whatever it is you want to ask me, you might as well do it now."
"Sam!" Glimmermon gasped, sending him a disapproving look.
He hadn't actually meant the words as an insult, as they were said more out of weariness than anger, and looking completely unfazed by his sullen attitude, Takara said calmly, "In that case, why don't we start with the waterway? Is any of this related to the disagreement you had with Mickey?"
Sam quickly shook his head, and stroking his digimon partner's small body, he said firmly, "Definitely not. We sorted that out a long time ago. None of this has anything to do with that. He just...for whatever reason, started to act really uncertain around me, and I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly when I first noticed the difference in his attitude and what triggered it..."
Was it after he caught Matty and I talking about him in that maze of pipes, or maybe it actually started when our hands accidentally brushed together after we set our argument aside. That was the first time he ever reacted so strongly to my touch, even if it was unintentional...
"Well, that's a relief," Takara sighed, leaning back on her hands. "I was a bit worried the two of you still hadn't let that go, especially after Mickey asked Dai his opinion of you."
Huh?
Sam suddenly felt his heart speed up, and growing tense, he said nonchalantly, "What's this about Dai?"
"Oh, Mickey didn't mention it?"
"No, he didn't."
Of course he didn't. Why would he say anything if he was talking about me behind my back?
Takara had the grace to look a bit sheepish, and shrugging her shoulders, she said quickly, "It's nothing bad. Dai just happened to mention it during lunch the other day. Apparently, after he forced Mickey to join him in the bathroom to appease Joe, Mickey asked him what he thought of you. Naturally, Dai was nothing but complimentary, and for some reason Mickey responded in a way that suggested he was...reflecting on Dai's answer? At least, that's what Dai said when I questioned him further about it this morning. I don't really know how else to describe it."
Wait, so...if Mickey was asking Dai about me, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Truthfully, Sam was having trouble deciding, and doing his best not to give too much away, he said simply, "Sorry, I have no idea what that's all about. If you want an explanation, you'll have to ask Mickey."
And while you're at it, you can pass on the memo to me, since I doubt Mickey will tell me himself...
"I wonder if he said something to Dai because of the way you were acting so protective of him?" Takara asked, her expression growing suddenly thoughtful.
Sam immediately felt his face heat up, and doing his best to avoid the female Digidestined's curious gaze, he said briskly, "What does that have to do with anything? It's not like I have any say in what Mickey does or doesn't do, nor would I ever want to. He's free to make his own choices, just like the rest of us. I just didn't think it was fair of Matty to keep embarrassing him like that."
"I'm not saying Mickey mentioned it because he thought it was a bad thing," Takara quickly explained, her tone indicating she was doing her best to exercise a little patience. "Why so defensive? If anything, I'm sure Mickey appreciated your efforts to sway the conversation in a different direction. Maybe he just wanted somebody else to confirm how totally sweet and caring you are."
Mickey...
Despite his efforts to remain neutral, Sam felt a sudden surge of warmth slowly spreading throughout his whole body, and knowing he needed to douse the fire burning his cheeks, he mumbled, "I highly doubt that."
"You know, I've never really thought much about Mickey liking anybody before," Takara commented, her dark tresses gleaming under the bedroom light. "I have to admit, I'm curious. Does he have a crush on somebody? He did seem pretty embarrassed by the question."
At this point, Sam knew he needed to tread carefully, and shrugging his shoulders, he said simply, "Not that I'm aware of. He's never mentioned anything about a crush to me."
What would I do if Mickey did have feelings for somebody else? Let's say he admitted to having a crush on one of the girls from school?
The thought was so painful, Sam felt like there was a fist clenching around his heart, and seeing the look on his face, Takara quickly took his hand again and said apologetically, "Sorry, did I say something wrong?"
"No, it's fine. I...whether he does or doesn't isn't any of our business, and I just don't want anybody bugging him about it. You know how sensitive he is. Mickey takes everything to heart, and I would never want him to feel like any of friends are picking on him or making fun of him. That's why I got so protective over Matty's silly comments. Don't get me wrong, I know Mickey can handle himself, but he is my best friend. We're supposed to look out for each other. That's what best friends do."
Even if I wish we were something more than just friends...
Though from his perspective the comment sounded like a transparent lie, apparently that wasn't the case for Takara and Glimmermon. If anything, Takara seemed satisfied with his answer, and moving to sit next to him, she said softly, "See, you are a sweetheart, and I know Mickey appreciates it."
"That's why you guys make such great friends!" Glimmermon agreed, beaming at him.
Sam wasn't so sure about that, which in itself was a concern. Normally, he wouldn't have batted an eye at such a statement, but now he was questioning everything.
I'm not only scared to tell Mickey I love him, I'm also afraid of what might happen to him in the Digital World during our next mission. Add in the fact that I have no idea how Matty will react if he finds out the truth about my feelings, how am I supposed to keep it together?
"He must have been worried that night," Takara murmured, smiling softly to herself. "And of course you always have the ability to make him feel better."
What?
Sam frowned, and glancing sideways at the female Digidestined, he said hesitantly, "Sorry, I'm not following you. What do you mean by that?"
Takara reached out to wrap an arm around his waist, and giving him a squeeze, she said, "You guys looked so peaceful that morning. You know, when you were holding hands. I take it Mickey must have had a pretty rough night."
I wondered when she was going to bring that up. There was no way she could have missed it, but she doesn't seem suspicious...
Sam wasn't sure what to make of the female Digidestined's pleasant behaviour, and choosing his words carefully, he said, "Not really. You know as well as I do how concerned he is about Matty. Plus, he spends a lot of time worrying about DarkAngelicmon. All I can do is be there for him when he needs me, but I have to admit...I'm scared it's not enough."
"You're more than enough, Sam," Takara said simply, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "I believe in you, and I know you and Matty will find a way to work together to keep Mickey safe."
I hope so. Does this mean she doesn't think there was anything weird about Mickey and I holding hands?
The female Digidestined's expression showed no indication that she felt like there was anything out of the ordinary going on between them in that regard, but just as he was about to let his guard down, she averted her gaze and said quietly, "Any chance you want to explain the look on your face when Dai and I were confessing our feelings to each other on the beach?"
Sam immediately froze, and swallowing the sudden lump in his throat, he whispered, "Not yet. Ask me again once we find Mickey's Spirit Chip. I can't guarantee I'll have an answer by then, but I'll try."
"Oh, Sam," Glimmermon moaned, snuggling closer. "You scare me when you say things like that."
Unlike his partner, Takara's pleasant expression hadn't changed, and nodding her head, she said calmly, "I'll do that, and in the meantime, don't let yourself drift away from Mickey. That's all I ask. No matter what's going on inside your head, he needs you now more than ever. Can you promise me that?"
Sam nodded in return, and hugging the female Digidestined close against his chest, he said softly, "I can. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone for a little while. Knowing you, I'm sure you'll talk to Mickey at some point, if you haven't already. Just don't press him too hard, okay?"
"I won't, and besides, somebody else is going to do the talking first before I get to have my say," Takara replied, smiling mysteriously at him before jumping off the bed. "Make sure you get lots of rest tonight, and I'll see you tomorrow."
Somebody...else?
Sam sat there staring at the closed door long after his female friend had left, and thinking back on her words, he couldn't help but wonder.
She was being so nice about everything. Does that mean, if she does suspect the truth, that she supports me? Could it be I'm worrying for nothing?
Makiya 'Mickey' Takaishi
Odaiba, Japan, Earth
Normally, dinner was a chatty affair in the Takaishi household, and though his parents and sister were making an honest attempt to keep up the tradition, Mickey had to admit he wasn't particularly in the mood for conversation. While some of that had to do with the fact they had just discovered the next Spirit Chip belonged to him, for the most part the news didn't really concern him all that much.
Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say he wasn't worried about himself. His only concern was Matty and how their next mission in the Digital World would affect the older twin.
I know what he's like. He says I'm always thinking of others and forgetting about myself, but the reality is he's the exact same way. In that, we're as identical as our looks. He puts me first before himself, just as much as I do the same for him. Because of that I know he wouldn't hesitate to face whatever dangers await us in the future if he thought I was at risk of succumbing to the darkness...
While the shadows whispering inside his heart did scare him, their voices weren't half as frightening as the thought of losing his brother. There was darkness in every heart, and how he allowed that darkness to affect him depended solely on whether or not he was able to overcome all of the insecurities plaguing his soul. On paper, that seemed like an almost impossible task, but even then his own perilous situation wasn't at the forefront of his mind.
After all, how could he worry about himself when his reckless brother was bound to end up in some kind of danger, all for the sake of keeping him safe?
If something does happen to Matty, it'll be all my fault...
On top of that, there was the ongoing issue with Sam. It was plainly obvious the raven-haired Digidestined wasn't behaving like himself, and Mickey knew the other boy's change in attitude was directed at him.
He's acting so uncertain around me, but technically I'm not the only one. He's also behaving oddly around Matty, but even then I don't think he's treating us the same. I can't help but wonder...What makes my brother and I so different? Why does Sam seem so nervous around me, and why is he trying so hard not to make Matty angry?
And even more importantly, what did Matty think about the whole situation?
I really want to know, but I'm scared to ask...
Though he was doing a good job of hiding it, clearly Matty was aware of the situation, and if the younger twin knew that much, then he had to know his own brother was also tiptoeing around him with unnecessary caution.
Just like Sam, which means Matty can sense my hesitation to speak with him. It's not that I don't want to, it's just...it always comes back to the same thing. I have no way of knowing how he'll react. In my heart, I know he'll support my feelings, but if I voice the truth out loud, there's no turning back...
Despite his conflicting emotions, Mickey had done his best not to avoid either Sam or Matty, even if doing so had meant opening himself up to a whole plethora of awkward situations.
I know they're concerned about me, but they can't let that stop them from taking care of their own hearts...
Biting his lip, Mickey proceeded to stare at the food on his plate with very little enthusiasm, and sensing his brother's worried gaze, it was all he could do to remain in his seat. Over the last few weeks, the situation with Sam and Matty had escalated beyond his control, leaving him uncertain as to what was actually going on between the three of them, but beyond that, it was the subtle changes in the raven-haired Digidestined's demeanour that were causing him the greatest amount of anxiety, which was bound to attract attention.
And yet...despite the way he hesitates before carefully allowing himself to engage in any sort of verbal or physical communication, he's still acting so sweet and friendly towards me. It doesn't make any sense. As much as I want to deny it, something has definitely changed between us, but I don't remember exactly when or where it started. Could it have truly been the waterway? I don't know. I just know somewhere along the line he began to behave oddly around me. It's like he's become overly cautious in my presence, and anytime we touch, he seems to feel the need to apologise. Is that because he knows I'm...conflicted? Can he sense how I really feel, and subconsciously that's why I've been treating him the same way?
Which brought up another question. What was truly going on inside his heart?
Is there any point in asking?
Thinking back on the day he had first shown Sam his sketches, the answer was only too obvious. The signs were all there, even if he had yet to admit the full truth to himself. The way the air had crackled between them and the feel of Sam's fingers trailing lightly down his side...how could he possibly ignore all the little hints? The raven-haired Digidestined's touch was enough to give him goosebumps, and the warmth of the other boy's skin had the ability to send all of his senses into overdrive. The more they shared even the slightest bit of contact, the more he couldn't get enough of it, which was the very reason why he couldn't bring himself to act normally around Sam.
I want to hug him. I want to touch him. I want him to stay close to me and never leave my side. And more than anything, I...I want to know what it feels like to...to...kiss him...
Those weren't the sort of things one would normally say if they were asked to describe how they felt about their best friend, and Mickey was well aware of that fact. Over the course of his young life, he had never experienced anything akin to a crush before, and picturing Sam's handsome face in his mind, the reaction was instantaneous. Immediately, his cheeks turned red, and ducking his head, he had to take a moment to compose himself. Nobody had ever had that sort of effect on him before, so why was Sam any different?
It's because...he's Sam. All of these emotions building in my chest, I know they're genuine. I'm not imagining things, and I'm not confused about my feelings, no matter how much I try to push them away or write them off as nothing more than a passing thought. Even if I've never experienced something like this before, there's no way it's just some silly little crush. And...why not Sam? He's one of the most important people in the world to me, and he's always treated me with kindness and respect. I love everything about him. I always have, but...is that the kind of love my parents have, or am I just overthinking things?
Mickey had to admit, while he had figured somewhere along the line he would likely develop feelings for somebody who happened to cross his path, he had never stopped to think that person would be a boy. It wasn't exactly something he had foreseen, and now that the possibility existed, he was at a loss of what to do. How did one go about acting upon those feelings, especially when the strength of his emotions and the overwhelming sense of attraction crackling through his bloodstream was far more powerful than anything he had ever experienced before?
Does it matter? Even if I do care about Sam as more than just a good friend, that doesn't necessarily mean he feels the same way...
It was a painful thought, but Mickey knew it wouldn't do him any good to hide from the reality of the situation. There was no denying Sam cared deeply for him as a friend, and if that was as far as it went, he would have to accept the raven-haired Digidestined's lack of interest and move on.
But what if I can't let go? Or even worse...what if I did work up the courage to tell him about my feelings and he didn't want to be my friend anymore?
Imagining the terrible scenario inside his head, Mickey suddenly felt sick to his stomach, and sliding down in his seat, he took a deep breath to steady his nerves.
No, there's no way Sam would ever hurt me like that, even if he wasn't able to return my feelings. He could never bring himself to do something so mean. When I think back on everything that's happened since the waterway, maybe he's not the one who started all of this. Maybe it's the other way around. The more I began to understand what was going on inside my heart, the more I didn't want him to suspect there was anything out of the ordinary happening between us. Out of fear, I started to grow shy and cautious around him, but that didn't stop my feelings from growing stronger than anything I could have ever imagined. That was when I started hesitating because I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable around me. He must have sensed that, which is why he started to mirror my actions...
There was no other explanation that made sense. Sam had to be aware on some level, but if he was, then what did that mean? If Sam felt at all concerned about their closeness, why didn't he ever pull away or set more boundaries?
Even though we're struggling to communicate, that hasn't stopped him from sharing his personal space with me. Plus, the way he smiles and touches me...If he didn't want me near him, why would he run his fingers down my side like that? Why would he return my hugs and hold me close when I'm feeling upset? I know friends are supposed to comfort each other, but every action feels like it has a hidden meaning...
That was the true question. At the end of the day, it all came back to one very important detail. What was Sam saying with his actions that he couldn't bring himself to say with words?
It would be so much easier to explore my feelings if I could just talk to someone about all of this. I need help to figure out not only myself, but also what's going on inside Sam's head. I have to get this off my chest, to share the burden before it overwhelms me. I...I need to know I'm not imagining things and that my heart is right where it needs to be...
A sudden kick to his knee made him jerk up in surprise, and realising the sharp blow had come from his brother, he blinked at the younger twin in confusion. In response, Matty nodded towards their mother, and immediately shifting his attention, Mickey said quickly, "Sorry, Mom. I must have missed that. Did you say something?"
"You haven't finished your dinner," the female Digidestined replied, her dark eyes watching him with obvious concern. "Are you not hungry?"
For a moment, Mickey simply stared stupidly at his full plate, and attempting to smile, he mumbled, "Not really. Don't worry, I'm not sick or anything. I'm just tired. Today was...a lot to take in."
"Maybe you should go to bed early," his father suggested, reaching out to give his shoulder a fond squeeze. "We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow, you most of all. It would be good for you to rest while you can."
"You'll need your strength if you want to beat up the baddies!" Rina agreed, flexing her small muscles for emphasis.
Somehow, Mickey managed a small laugh, and gazing at his parents, he said softly, "Are you worried about me?"
"Of course we're worried about you," his mother insisted, reaching across the table to give his hand a quick squeeze. "We're terrified, if I'm being honest, and not just because we know the next Spirit Chip belongs to you. You haven't been yourself lately, and that scares me."
"Whatever's on your mind, just remember, you know you can talk to us," his father added, his firm tone indicating he meant every word. "And if you feel like you can't, I sincerely hope you'll at least talk to Matty."
Though the younger twin remained silent, Mickey could feel his brother's eyes on him, and ducking his head, he whispered, "You know I will."
There's nothing to be afraid of. Matty loves me. He'll never abandon me, no matter what I say.
"You can talk to me, too," Rina pouted, poking him with her spoon. "I'm good at keeping secrets."
There was definitely some truth to that, and ruffling his little sister's hair, he said gently, "You sure are. I'll keep that in mind."
"We're going to be with you every step of the way, Mickey," his mother reminded him, her loving words leaving no room for doubt. "Not just the four of us, but everyone else who cares about you. When you need us, we'll be there. Don't ever forget that."
Mickey could feel a sudden warmth building in his chest, and allowing that wonderful source of unexpected light to ease the tension in his taunt muscles, he slowly slipped free from his chair and said softly, "If you don't mind, I think I will go to bed early. Is that okay?"
"Can I be excused, too?" Matty asked, jumping out of his chair before he had even finished talking.
Mickey had suspected the younger twin would immediately follow him, and though he was reluctant to engage in a one-on-one conversation, he knew if he continued to avoid Matty, eventually he wouldn't have a choice in the matter.
He won't let it go because he's my brother, and there are no words to describe how grateful I am to have his support.
"Go on," their father answered, waving them off. "Just make sure you're both up on time tomorrow to have a bath, and it's probably best if Mickey goes first. You don't want to be late for school in the morning."
"You had to throw that in there, didn't you," Matty groaned, crouching down to scoop Goldmon into his arms. "Had enough food?"
"I could always use some more, but I guess I'm good," the little digimon replied, beaming at his partner.
"You're as bad as DemiVeemon and the others," Gatomon complained, her whiskers twitching with obvious annoyance. "Especially when it comes to the mess."
"That was a bit harsh, even if it is true," Patamon laughed, happily fluttering his ears before diving back into his own meal.
Mickey leaned over to pick up his own partner, and stroking the little digimon's fluffy ears, he said, "Ready to have a nice sleep?"
"Yeah, food always makes me sleepy," Palelymon replied, his words ending in a loud yawn.
Mickey was sure all of their digimon partners had overheard the conversation going on at the table, but thankfully they chose not to bring it up. Even if they had, there wasn't much more he could say, and following Matty up the stairs towards their bedroom, he did his best to ignore the sudden pounding in his chest. He could almost feel his own pulse throbbing painfully through the fragile skin of his neck, and recognising the fact that his senses were on high alert, he had to take deep breaths to calm himself down.
Though the younger twin hadn't said or done anything to warrant a panic attack, Mickey could feel a subtle change in the atmosphere between them, and that alone was enough to make him feel suddenly self-conscious.
Will he say something, or am I just worrying for nothing?
"I feel way more tired than I should," Matty grumbled, his amber eyes sparkling in the dim light from the lamp that was sitting on the table between their beds. "These days, just hearing about the Digital World is exhausting."
Since his emotions were all over the place, Mickey wasn't quite sure how to respond, and sitting on the edge of his bed, he settled Palelymon on the soft comforter before murmuring, "It can be, much as I wish that wasn't the case."
How many times have I stressed myself out about the mere possibility of losing you...
"You think I'm going to do something stupid, don't you," Matty said bluntly, flopping down on his own bed with all the grace of an elephant. "Your face says it all."
"Matty!" Goldmon scolded, giving his partner a disapproving look before hopping over to settle next to Palelymon. "Talk about tactless."
"You're only saying that cause you think the same thing!"
"Well, you are a bit reckless!"
"So are you!"
Shaking his head at the silly argument taking place between the feisty duo, Mickey settled back against the headboard with his legs bent at the knees, and reaching out to pet the two digimon snuggling against his side, he said wearily, "I wouldn't put it quite like that."
"So I'm stubborn then," Matty challenged, sitting up so they could look at one another properly. "Okay, fine. Maybe I am, but you can't blame me for that. I'm only doing exactly what you would do if our roles were reversed."
There was no denying the truth of that statement, and as a result, Mickey didn't have the strength to mount a defence. Instead, he simply stared at his knees and whispered, "I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I don't want to talk about the Spirit Chip right now."
"Because it's not the only thing that's bugging you," Matty finished, refusing to let the conversation end.
You know me so well, and there's no way I can hide from that...
Since it was obvious the younger twin wasn't going to take no for an answer, Mickey paused to gather his thoughts before responding. If he mentioned Sam, would that only make things worse?
I want to tell him so badly, it's eating away at me...
"Mickey, are you okay?" Palelymon asked, sounding worried. "I'm sorry, but I can't stay quiet anymore. It's not like you to keep your feelings all bottled up inside."
"You know what bugs me the most about all of this?" Matty asked, his words growing dangerously quiet as his amber eyes shifted to gaze at the ceiling. "When you won't tell me what's wrong, I can't do anything to help you."
The words were like a sharp stab to his heart, and feeling his throat close up, Mickey managed to whisper, "I know."
"When you're hurting, it hurts me, too. Being able to help you is the most important thing in the world to me, and when you won't let me do what I want to do more than anything as your brother, it hurts me even more."
Matty...
The younger twin's heartfelt confession was enough to make his eyes sting with tears, and unable to stand the terrible distance between them, Mickey quickly leaped to his feet and flung himself onto his brother's bed, the force of his momentum sending pillows toppling to the floor in a fluffy heap. Without waiting for an invitation, he snuggled against Matty's side, and burying his face against the younger twin's shoulder, he let out a strangled gasp that ended in a broken sob. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop his whole body from trembling, and immediately pulling him into a protective embrace, Matty said simply, "Is this because of Sam?"
It took a little time before Mickey managed to gain some control over his emotions, and huddling like a wounded animal in his twin's comforting arms, he choked out, "If I tell you something, will you promise me it won't change anything between us?"
"I don't care what you have to say," Matty insisted, holding firmly to his chin so he couldn't look away. "There is nothing you could do that would ever stop me from loving you as my brother and twin. Absolutely nothing."
I do believe you, and I'm so tired of keeping this all to myself. I just want to be honest with you...
Since he couldn't turn his head, Mickey had no choice but to look directly into the younger twin's eyes, and letting out a shaky breath, he said in a trembling voice, "Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to kiss Taniko?"
"What!?" Matty yelped, immediately turning bright red in the face. "Where did that come from!? Actually, forget that. Even more importantly, what does Taniko have to do with any of this?"
"So you have then."
"Well, maybe one or twice," Matty mumbled, immediately averting his eyes in obvious embarrassment. "B-but that's beside the point. You didn't answer my question!"
Clearly flustered, the younger twin didn't appear to notice he no longer had a firm grip on his brother's chin, and taking advantage of the fact that he could move his head again, Mickey lowered his amber gaze and whispered, "What if I told you I've wondered the same thing about Sam?"
"...Oh."
As dead silence filled the room, Mickey chose to remain by his brother's side, his heart hammering so fast it was making him feel dizzy. On the outside, he was sure he probably looked fairly normal, but that only remained the case if you didn't count the sheer panic in his eyes and the obvious anxiety twisting the contours of his face. Unfortunately, though, the same could not be said for within. Beneath the surface, every single muscle in his body was screaming in terror, and his ribcage felt like it was going to explode. On top of that, the butterflies in his stomach were building so quickly he felt like he was going to throw up. And yet, above all else, the worst part was the voices berating him inside his head, and all of them were telling him he might have made a mistake.
No...Matty loves me. He wouldn't betray me. He wouldn't...
After some time, Matty finally stirred next to him, and looking surprisingly unfazed, the younger twin said dryly, "Well, that explains a lot."
Huh?
Feeling confused, Mickey chanced a quick peek at his twin, and biting his lip, he hesitated before saying, "You're not...upset?"
"No, am I supposed to be?" Matty snorted, looking amused. "Seriously, why would I be upset? Actually, if you want to know the truth, I'm kind of relieved."
"You...are?"
"Yeah, trust me. You have no idea."
Now Mickey was really confused, and allowing his body to relax a little bit, he said weakly, "How come?"
He looks so calm. I wasn't expecting that at all...
Matty shifted a bit to make himself more comfortable, and once again pulling him close in a warm embrace, the younger twin said a bit sheepishly, "To be honest, I thought...maybe you were acting all weird around me because I'd done something to upset you."
That was not what Mickey had been expecting to hear, and flinging his arms around the younger twin's neck in a tight squeeze, he gasped, "Oh, Matty...I'm so sorry. Of course I'm not upset with you! If was never my intention to make you feel like that. I..."
"I know," Matty said simply, hugging him tightly around the waist. "I mean, I know that now. You were just worried about how I'd react if you told me the truth about this whole thing with Sam, which by the way makes you a total dummy. Talk about uncool. Seriously, you should have a little more faith in your other half."
It was such an honest statement, and resting his head on the younger twin's shoulder, Mickey immediately felt the last of the tension in his body fade away. If felt so good to finally confide in his brother, and knowing he no longer had anything to hide from Matty, he said softly, "You're right. Ever since this whole thing started, I've wanted to tell you so badly, but...I let my insecurities get in the way of common sense. In my heart, I knew you would support me, but the doubts I had about my own feelings and the way Sam's been acting...I allowed fear to dictate my feelings, and that made me hesitate."
"Does that mean you'll let me help you now?" Matty asked, looking hopeful.
"We don't really get what's going on, but we want to help, too!" Palelymon offered, hopping over with Goldmon to join them.
The two digimon settled themselves in Matty's lap, and keeping his head on the younger twin's shoulder, Mickey said fondly, "Please, I feel much better knowing I have all of you to support me."
"In that case, you might as well start from the beginning," Matty sighed, holding him close. "I'm guess something changed after that whole thing in the waterway?"
Mickey nodded, and speaking quietly, he proceeded to give the younger twin and their digimon partners a brief account of everything that had happened since the moment he had apologised to Sam deep beneath the city of Abacus. He spoke openly about the effect Sam's presence had on his mind and body, and he went into great detail about the flow of their conversations and the events that had occurred during those moments when they were alone together. From there, he talked about the onset of the awkwardness between them, which had steadily been growing over the last couple of weeks, and throwing his own confusing thoughts into the mix, which were the reason he had hesitated to speak to Matty in the first place, he finished by saying, "I know it's a lot to take in, but I can't help how I feel. I wish I could, but that's not an option anymore."
"Aw, no wonder you've been so quiet lately," Goldmon observed, giving him a sympathetic pat with one ear. "If we had known..."
"Don't apologise for being yourself," Matty scolded, frowning at him. "You can't control who you have feelings for, and no one should expect you to."
That's sweet of you to say, but...I need to know...
Refusing to move from the safety of his twin's arms, Mickey said quietly, "I'm not just imagining what's in my heart, am I? All of those things I feel for Sam, I can't experience that sort of connection with just anyone. My emotions are so strong, I feel like they're drowning me, but...how do I know for sure? How can I tell if I'm truly attracted to him? How do you determine what's real and what's not? Is this the sort of love that goes beyond friendship or is it something else?"
"Mickey, can I ask you something?" Matty said slowly, his amber eyes flashing with intense emotion.
"What is it?"
The younger twin hesitated a moment, and then speaking in low tones, he said, "If Sam suddenly came to you one day and told you he has a mega crush on one of the girls from our school, how would that make you feel?"
Mickey froze, and feeling like somebody had just dropped a bucket of ice water over his head, he felt a terrible shiver race down his spine. Until that moment, the thought of Sam having a potential love interest had never crossed his mind, and now that the idea had burned itself into his brain, he couldn't erase it from his memory. Just the thought of seeing his raven-haired friend holding someone else in his arms was enough to bring him to tears, and struggling to speak, he found himself at a loss for words.
Before he even realised what was happening, he felt something wet on his cheeks, and snuggling against his leg, Palelymon moaned, "Oh, Mickey! Don't look like that! Please don't cry!"
"I-I..."
"I think your reaction speaks for itself," Matty said quietly, once again pulling him into a comforting embrace. "You wouldn't be able to stand it if you saw Sam kissing somebody else or holding somebody's hand the way you want him to hold yours. That says a lot."
"I'm sorry, I..."
"Listen," Matty said earnestly, shaking him gently by the shoulders. "I'm only going to say this once cause it's super embarrassing, so work with me here. I'm no expert on romance, but I can tell you this. All of the feelings you have for Sam, I feel those same things for Taniko. From the looks, the physical contact, the atmosphere...it's all there."
Somehow, Mickey was able to crack a smile, and brushing at his eyes, he said tearfully, "So, you're finally admitting it."
"Hey, this isn't about me, remember?" Matty grumbled, blushing furiously at his words. "My point is, you asked me earlier if what you feel for Sam is just a strong friendship or something more, but...I think you already knew the answer to that, even before you brought it up."
I did. I've known since that moment he came to me in the waterway. I just wasn't ready to admit it to myself, but now that I'm willing to embrace my feelings, what if it's all for nothing?
It was a depressing thought, and chewing anxiously on his lower limp, he said timidly, "Hey, Matty? You...you don't think Sam does have a crush on somebody else, do you?"
"Has he mentioned anything to you about one, boy or girl?" Matty asked, raising his eyebrows.
Mickey had to think for a minute, and feeling a little uncertain, he said slowly, "I don't believe so. At least, I don't remember him ever showing an interest in anyone that I know of."
"That's probably your answer then."
"Huh?"
Matty rolled his eyes, and leaning against him, the younger twin said, "Let's be realistic here. If by chance Sam did have a crush on somebody, you're the first person he would tell. Since that apparently hasn't happened, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say he doesn't fancy anybody at this time."
Not even me.
Once again, Mickey felt a stab of pain in his chest, and twisting his hands together, he said anxiously, "Do you think Sam might...be aware of my feelings? Could that be why he's acting so careful around me?"
If it ever gets to the point where he doesn't want to be around me, not even Matty's gentle words of encouragement will be enough...
"I don't think so," Goldmon spoke up, wiggling his fluffy ears. "Sam likes being close to you!"
"Honestly, I have no idea," Matty sighed, his words laced with obvious frustration. "Maybe, but then again he could just be acting like that cause you're being all weird around him. Plus, don't forget he's not exactly behaving normally around me either. I get why that was the case for you, since you were worried about how I would take the news about your feelings, but that doesn't explain Sam. He's got no excuse for treating me like I'm a ticking time bomb or something."
That was true, and giving his twin a sympathetic smile, Mickey said warmly, "Maybe it's because you're so protective of me, and he doesn't want to risk your temper."
"Hey, I'm not that bad!"
"You kind of are," Palelymon joked, giggling as the younger twin poked him affectionately between the eyes.
If Sam really is worried about making Matty angry, does that mean he might share some of my feelings?
The thought was so precious, it was all Mickey could do to keep his emotions in check, and feeling almost afraid to voice the words out loud, he forced himself to say, "Do you think...there's even the slightest possibility that Sam might feel the same about...me?"
At first, Matty didn't reply, and then frowning slightly, the younger twin said, "Honestly, I don't think I can really answer that for you. With the way he's behaving, his actions could mean almost anything. If you really want to know how he feels, you're just going to have to find out for yourself."
"I'm sure you can get Sam to open up to you," Goldmon insisted, hopping up and down for emphasis. "You're such a great person. How could he not love you?"
"Exactly!" Palelymon agreed. "If you ask him, he'll definitely say he loves you, too!"
The very idea of just coming right out and pleading with Sam for an answer was downright terrifying, but at the same time Mickey couldn't help feeling a spark of affection for the two little digimon. They were so sweet and innocent, unlike some humans. Neither Palelymon nor Goldmon had even questioned the fact that Sam was a boy, indicating just how different their thought process was. To them, love was love, and that was how it should be.
Matty's right. If I ever want to move forward, this is something I have to do for myself. Except...how can I face Sam when I'm scared to hear the truth? If he can't give me the answer I want more than anything else in the world...how do I live with these feelings knowing there's no chance he'll ever return them...
"Hey, I know that face," Matty scolded, poking him sharply in the ribs. "You're giving up before you've even tried. Don't do that."
Feeling a little guilty, Mickey quickly rearranged his features into a more pleasant expression, and avoiding the younger twin's eyes, he said meekly, "Are you sure you're really okay with all of this? You're not...going to put up a fuss about it?"
"I'm course I'm fine with it," Matty shot back, looking insulted. "If you really want to know the truth, I'm glad you have a thing for Sam. Better him than someone else."
Intrigued by such an odd statement, Mickey said hesitantly, "Why's that?"
"Well, for one thing, I know Sam," Matty explained, shrugging his shoulders. "He's one of us, and I trust him completely. I'd rather you fall for someone I care about than a complete stranger. Plus, it's obvious he makes you happy, and if you're happy then I'm happy. I know better than anyone Sam will never hurt you, and I can guarantee he'll always treat you well. Really, it's a huge load off my mind. I'm just saying, it would suck if I had to interrogate someone new to the group."
I-interrogate!?
Mickey immediately felt himself turn a deep shade of red, and nudging the younger twin in the shoulder, he mumbled, "You're impossible."
"What? Did I say something wrong? Look, I'm cool with the whole Sam thing as long as he behaves himself. Speaking of which, now that I know how much you like him, from now on he shares with me anytime he sleeps over, or you'll have to share with me and he gets your bed."
"Matty!"
Technically that was probably for the best, especially since he didn't want to break Sam's trust if the other boy didn't feel the same way about him. It would also be good for his nerves, since even the thought of sharing a bed with the raven-haired Digidestined was enough to make him feel incredibly flustered.
Not that Sam would ever even think about making some kind of move. Knowing him, he'd be the perfect gentleman...
"What?" Matty complained, sitting back so he could cross his arms over his chest. "We have to set a good example for Rina. Plus, it wouldn't be fair if I just hassled her all the time and not you."
"Oh, Matty."
"Seriously, though," Matty murmured, leaning close to speak softly in his ear. "Sam better have feelings for you. If he doesn't, I'll take it as a personal insult. I don't want him upsetting you and making you feel bad about yourself. I mean, look at you. What's not to love?"
For the second time that night, Mickey could feel his amber eyes filling with tears, and once again resting his tired head on the younger twin's shoulder, he said dully, "If Sam really doesn't feel the same, I can't force him to love me."
Even if I can't stand the thought of him loving someone else...
"I know that," Matty insisted, placing a hand against his golden hair. "I just want you to understand that no matter what happens, I'll always support you. When it comes to Sam, there's only one thing you can do. Just be you, and let your heart shine bright enough he won't be able to ignore it."
You say you're not good with words, but the opposite is true. Somehow, you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better.
Though his heart was still hurting, at least his mind had calmed down a little, and letting his eyes fall closed, he whispered, "I love you, Matty. Thank you for always being there when I need you most."
"Next time, how about telling me what's on your mind a little sooner, okay?" the younger twin joked, motioning for him to climb under the covers. "Honestly, though, I'm mostly just glad you finally said something. I might not have all the answers, but I can at least give you a shoulder to lean on when you don't feel like you can stand on your own. And just for the record, I love you, too."
"What about us?" Goldmon complained, curling up on a pillow next to Matty's head.
"Yeah!" Palelymon echoed, hopping onto the same pillow to cuddle next to his celestial partner in crime. "We want some love!"
"You guys get enough love as it is," Matty shot back, huffing slightly before diving under the sheets. "No wonder you're both so spoiled."
Sam...I wonder what you're up to right now. Have you already fallen asleep, or are you lying awake staring at the ceiling like I am? If I only knew what was on your mind, maybe then I could find the courage to not only tell you how I feel, but also show you...
The thought was bittersweet, and turning off the lamp, Mickey proceeded to settle comfortably under the blankets next to his twin. Lying there in the darkness, he quickly pulled the comforter more tightly around his body, but despite the weight it provided, he still felt insecure. Though he could have just as easily gone to sleep in his own bed, the thought of being alone right now wasn't exactly appealing, and since Matty hadn't brought it up, he figured the younger twin was fully aware of his need for human contact.
Now if only Sam would reach for me instead of acting like he can't make up his mind whether or not he should hold me close or run in the other direction...
Feeling a sudden hand on his arm, Mickey almost jerked away in surprise, and rolling onto his side, he whispered, "What is it?"
"Listen, I know you don't want to talk about the Spirit Chip, but...this issue with Sam. You see where I'm going with this, right?" Matty whispered back, his amber eyes glittering in the darkness. "You saw what happened to Kara. If you let all your feelings for him fester inside your heart..."
Mickey knew exactly what the younger twin meant by those words, and squeezing his eyes shut, he said softly so as not to disturb their sleeping digimon. "I know, Matty. I'm well aware of that."
But the thing is, Sam's not the only one making me worry. You're very much a part of that, too. On one level, I think you recognise that, but at the same time how do I make you understand why I feel so lost?
There was so much going on in his head, his brain felt like it was going to explode, and knowing the issue with his Spirit Chip was a problem for another day, he settled back under the covers with the intention of going to sleep. On his left, Matty's warm hand was still clutching his arm, and taking comfort from the younger twin's close proximity, it was only then that the significance of what the other boy had done truly dawned on him. Though Matty had shown plenty of interest, Mickey realised not once had the younger twin given any indication he cared that the person who had captured his brother's heart was a boy.
It's because none of that matters to him. He loves me for being me.
Under the covers, Mickey could feel his heart swelling with emotion, and reaching for Matty's shoulder, he mumbled, "I'm really glad I told you. It's nice not to feel so alone anymore."
"You'll never be alone as long as I'm here," Matty said seriously, giving his fingers a squeeze. "And I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon."
Mickey believed him, and closing his eyes, he let out a soft sigh as Sam's handsome face swam across his vision. He had no idea what was going to happen with the raven-haired Digidestined, his brother, or his Spirit Chip, but the one thing he did know was that he needed to be strong.
If he allowed himself even a moment of weakness, there was no telling what the darkness might do to him...